2014 Year in Review: Part One

Statistics

I used the word “titular” in 241 blog entries this year, and that’s not counting this entry in which I’ll more than likely use it again. I haven’t confirmed this, but I seriously doubt there’s another blog out there that used the word that much. I am really proud of this.

I don’t know if I’m proud that I’ve completed my 7th year blogging or not. Or that I ended up watching 361 movies this year without really having the old 365 movie goal in mind at all. I felt like I was going to be well short. My wife says I still watched too many.

I watched (or at least wrote about) more movies in March (47) than in any other month. I only wrote about 7 in September.

I only gave 3 movies a rating of 1/20 this year. The top ratings were 15/20 and 16/20 with 56 each.

The Billy Curtis Award

Following tradition, we’ll start in my best-performance-by-a-little-person category, and I refuse to consider any of the Terror in Tiny Town performers, including the guy this award’s named after, because that movie had already appeared on my blog. I’m also not counting any of the little people who subjected themselves to humiliation in The Wolf of Wall Street during a “midget tossing” scene either.

So who’s in the running?

Hungarian Mihaly “Michu” Meszaros, the little fellow in the Alf costume on the television show, was good as Andy in Big Top Pee Wee. He was also on the cover of a Doors album.

Whoever played the mischievous little guy in Skritek brought those fart jokes pretty hard.

I did see a Jodorowsky movie (The Rainbow Thief), so you know there’s a little person somewhere in that. And there is--Jean-Yves Tual.

I’ve always wanted a woman to win this award, and both Patty Maloney as an elf in Ernest Saves Christmas and the sexy Debbie Lee Carrington as Thumbelina in Total Recall were both terrific. Carrington was also “Emperor Penguin” in Batman Returns, but I didn’t notice her.

Speaking of the Batman movie, I saw Danny DeVito in a few things this year, and he always seems to fall just short of winning this award.

The appropriately-named Jack Little stood tall in The Nasty Rabbit.

Any time Warwick Davis is involved, you know there’s big competition. I saw him in both The Phantom Menace and Leprechaun.

Other former nominees Tony Cox and Billy Barty rocked in Beetlejuice and UHF respectively.

But alas--there can only be one winner of the Billy Curtis Award. And this year it goes to the first ever repeat winner--Weng Weng, that 2’9” Filipino star of D’Wild Wild Weng. Congratulations, Weng Weng. You kicked some serious ass in that movie, and you beat some solid competition for this award. And you’ve won this two more times than Billy Curtis himself!

Best Emoticon

))<>(( from You and Me and Everyone We Know, a movie you’ll have to check out some time so that you know what the heck I’m talking about.

Best Scene Involving Fecal Matter

Jackie Robinson spent two years dropping a deuce in 42

My Most Inappropriate Laugh of the Year

I’m very immature and probably laugh at things I shouldn’t all the time. My most inappropriate laugh was while watching the dreadfully awful Parkland (a movie I now own thanks to my friend Josh) during the scene where Kennedy is assassinated. “Oh my God! Oh my God!” exclaimed Paul Giamatti, who should have known better.

Movie I Was Too Childish to Watch

That would be The Final Member, a documentary about a penis museum. I should not have been allowed to giggle my way through that one.

Best Performance by a Wrestler

Oh, Tommy “Tiny” Lister, did you really think you could compete with the Hulkster? You did your best in a pair of movies--The Fifth Element and No Holds Barred--but Hulk Hogan’s pythons got you for his stellar work in the latter.

The Lew Zealand: Award for Best Scene Involving a Puppet

I can’t give Lew Zealand the award for throwing fish in the Muppet’s version of A Christmas Carol the first time the award is named after him, can I? Can I? It’s a serious question! Wow, is there some tough competition in this category. Look at these puppets!

Clint Howard’s puppet show with two severed heads in Ice Cream Man is a thing of beauty.

Cronos, the late Peter O’Toole’s pet in The Rainbow Thief?

I really like the greasy Kuato abdomen puppet in Total Recall.

Linda Blair puppet in The Exorcist?

Pin? Does a medical mannequin count as a puppet?

And the winner? 

Lew Zealand, for those scenes where he throws fish in those movies!

Best Dance Scene

Another tough one. You’ve got Jerry Lewis in The Nutty Professor, David Carradine in his underwear in Death Race: 2000 (not that the underwear part matters to me, of course), and a 300-pound stripper in Cybernator. Three completely different dances, all great. There’s the absolutely touching scene in The Fisher King with spontaneous waltzing in Grand Central Station. I love that scene so much. Another great scene at the end of Boy has a “Thriller” dance that I liked a lot. John C. Reilly in Boogie Nights? And how, if you’re going to be completely honest with yourself, can anything beat Travolta’s moves in Saturday Night Fever? Oh, of course it can! If it’s Nicolas Cage with those roundhouse kicks and punches in Wild at Heart. I’m surprised nobody was injured during the filming of that dance sequence. Or while watching it! 

So the award goes to. . .wait, a second. Hold on just a second. You’re telling me that I saw a dance scene that tops both Nicolas Cage and John Travolta, the co-stars of Face/Off? Sorry, fellows. This award goes to Sam Mraovich for this:

When you’ve beaten Cage and Travolta for an award, you’ve really achieved greatness. Congratulations, Sam Mraovich.

Worst Sequel

Machete 2, not worth watching for any reason that I can think of. Other nominees: Big Top Pee Wee and Despicable Me 2.

Most Excited I’ve Ever Gotten Over Seeing a Stuffed Animal While Watching a Movie

Spotting a Carrot Man from Ikea in Future Folk

Best Comments of the Year

“Boobs or Uma Thurman’s metallic vajayjay would have helped Nausicaa a lot.” --Anonymous

“Just wanted to let you know I read about your Pee Wee bird masturbation.” --Barry

“So you’re into gay porn now.” --my mother

“I cannot for the life of me imagine how [Robert Patrick] laughs.” --Cory

“Your rating [for Frozen] offends me.” --Cory

Josh’s filthy “Spoonful of Sugar” analysis (private conversation actually--not a comment)

“The only good thing that came of [Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster] was that the director was never allowed to direct another movie. If I could find him, I might do worse.” --Cory

“There are always two peaks in Russ Meyer’s movies.” --Me

“I’m hoping your delayed post didn’t turn off the rest of your Oprah Movie Clubbers. It was going so strong for so long.” --Josh

“This movie has kind of ruined the Golden Gate Bridge for me. We were there a few years ago and I kept worrying my kids would see someone jump off who wasn’t even a Republican.” --Cory

“The Lance Armstrong story with only little actors. What do you think? I can give you co-writing credit.” --Anonymous

“Good news--Joe Dirt 2” --Anonymous

And one of the best comments ever from another Anonymous: “I don’t really like that movie [Dinosaur Island] because of the soldiers killing dinosaurs. But what hate most about it when they killed my favorite dino, reptile, and animal of all: Tyrannosaurus (Tyrant Lizard). It reminds me of when two male jerks told me that they blew off a T. Rex’s head when they and I were in Grade Six just because I expressed my love for that beast.

“To this day, I still wish that I could beat those bullies up for bullying me like I want to do all the people who antagonized me.”

Most Orgasmic Movie Moment

Nicolas Cage and a windsock man on screen at the same time!

Best Car Chase

I like the one in The Fifth Element through Coruscant’s streets, but this award has to go to the climax of The Nasty Rabbit with a guy running around with the rabbit, a wannabe James Dean on a motorcycle, a convertible that a stereotype keeps falling out of, and a dog which was desperately looking for a way out of the movie.

Best Food-Related Moment

A wine-tasting scene at the end of It’s a Disaster is nice, and I’ll never forget that scene where the kid puts peanut butter on his scalp because some elderly ghosts told him to in The Peanut Butter Solution. But the poetry of the preparation and finished products in the Jiro Dreams of Sushi documentary wins.

Best Scene Featuring a Metronome

The Late Quartet, used in a pre-seduction scene as metronome were meant to be used

Best Nude Scene

This one’s a tie because I’m not man enough to pick between the woman with three breasts in Total Recall and the topless woman in the window of The Rescuers.

Worst Nude Scene

More stiff competition. The Academy Awards would give this to Tom Hanks’ ass in Charlie Wilson’s War, but this isn’t The Academy Awards. And Hanks ain’t beating Riva in Amour, Jean Hill in Desperate Living, or Fred Willard in Youth in Revolt. Gerard Depardieu should not have been seen in his tighty whities in Buffet Froid, but I guess that’s not technically nudity. It is, however, unpleasant. And look who’s popped up again? Sam Mraovich who, because he can, decided to show off his body in Ben and Arthur. Does an early scene where Johnny Knoxville’s titular (See? Told you!) bad grandpa gets his scrotum caught in a cola machine count? I think that was probably a fake scrotum. This was really down to two, both penis-related though. The runner-up is Tom the American in The Final Member documentary that I couldn’t stop giggling at. There were numerous shots of his penis--named Elmo, natch--in a variety of costumes. The winner is artist Bob Flanagan because any time I’m forced to watch a nail being driven in somebody’s penis, that’s probably going to win this award. 

And no, I’m not looking for recommendations.

The “Attaboy, Luther”

My award for best offscreen utterance would go to “Hit him, Mike. He’s hallucinating” from The Karate Kid III, but it’s not “Get him a body bag!” and therefore can’t win. So I’m going with the hearty “Nazi whore!” from The Reader. You know that extra shows that to friends and says, “Did you hear that ‘Nazi whore!’ there? That was me!”

Best Sound Effect

Godzilla’s scream, Linda Blair’s head twisting around, the metallic clang when Jaws is kicked in the crotch in Moonraker, the squeaky wheel in the opening sequence of Goldeneye, the dripping water in Bava’s Black Sabbath, all that creaking and cracking in American Werewolf in London, the paint can shaking in Wild Style, the horrifying sounds of vagina dentata in Teeth, the plastic knife cutting off a thumb in Gigli. Those are all great, but have you heard the ridiculous gunshots in Ben and Arthur? In a year without a Wes Anderson movie, they might have had a chance, but my favorite is the ski lift thingies squeaking with the rhythm of the score in Budapest Hotel.

Scene That I Laughed at So Much That I Had to Stop Watching the Movie Because I Was Waking My Wife Up

Rob Riggle’s conversation with Tatum and Hill in 21 Jump Street when the duo’s drugs are taking effect. I rewatched it later, and it turns out that it’s not all that funny.

Best Satan

Bitch (Pitch?) can’t win in the Mexican Santa Claus movie because that movie was already on the blog. Telly Savalas was an awfully good Satan in Lisa and the Devil, but you’re not beating Ernest Borgnine’s horns in The Devil’s Rain. And Borgnine’s not beating Gregory Joseph’s work as a demon in Miracle Man, the greatest story ever told. Although maybe Borgnine should get it instead. Mr. Joseph wasn’t actually Satan. I’ll consult the judges and let you know later.

Buster!

Best Bald Guy

Telly, you can have this one over Ivan in The Machinist. And that's even taking Ivan's toe hands into consideration.

Guilty Pleasure of the Year

Pitch Perfect, one of two movies I watched twice in 2014. The other might be my Best Movie of the Year.

Best Villain

Love Oldman in The Fifth Element and both Rourke and Kingsley in the Iron Man sequels. But they’re just cartoonish movie villains. How about white people in 12 Years a Slave? Or the Communists shoving bamboo in children’s heads in If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do? The one who haunts the most, however, is Leo Fitzpatrick’s Telly in Kids. Man, that little bastard!

Stay tuned for Part 2 coming soon. . .