2014 Year in Review: Part Two

Most Inappropriate Scene That Almost Ruins an Entire Movie

Teenagers with cancer making out in Anne Frank’s hiding place--and getting a round of applause for it (Fault in Our Stars)

A List of Things I Learned from Watching Movies This Year

Bogart’s first wife should have married Whitman Mayo from D.C. Cab so that she could have been Mayo Mayo.

Male prostitutes--still called whores

The Rainbow Thief is actually pretty good and Jodorowsky should have definitely made more movies in the past 23 years.

Shammalammadingdong’s movies are a little better when he doesn’t write them.

Email wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for AIDS.

“Vader” means “father” in German. Thanks, Pitch Perfect!

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and Fists of Fury have nearly the exact same ending.

Philip Seymour Hoffman is the type of actor who made everybody on the screen with him better.

You can buy John Wayne toilet paper in Monument Valley.

Crazy Horse’s name wasn’t even Crazy Horse.

Iron Eyes Cody (the crying Indian in that commercial) was an Italian guy.

A new sex position--the Mildread

Kurt Thomas from Gymkata is the most important Indiana State University alumnus. Suck it, Larry Bird.

Never go into an orgy ass up.

Hugh Marlowe’s real name was actually Hugh Hipple.

Michael Haneke tried to direct a pigeon.

Badham plays a ham in To Kill a Mockingbird.

Charles Darwin was a master of botany.

Dick Miller played a character named Walter Paisley in a lot of movies--6 of them actually.

Communists’ torture methods! If If Footmen Tire You, What Would Horses Do? is to be 

believed, they’re sadistic fellows!

People in the future wear their pants really high.

Platypuses or platypus...not platypi.

Un pinche dia a la vez. Thanks, A Talking Cat!?! (You’ll have to look that up on your own. This is a fucking family blog.)

A guy with 174 movie credits can be best known for a performance where he just coughs and rings a bell--Karate Kid’s Uncle Louie. Tough career, Joseph V. Perry.

All the foreskins cut off could reach to Mars and back.

A question mark in titles is considered bad luck. What if it’s surrounded by exclamation points though, A Talking Cat!?!?

A cup was the only thing in the Bible that Jesus was afraid of.

You can’t turn in a solid acting performance until after you’ve thrown a ball around and made noises with Jon Voight.

570 people have found my blog searching for Bicentennial Man. Or maybe it’s the same person 570 times.

Michael Berryman has something called Hypohidrotic Ectodermal Dysplasia--no hair, no teeth, no sweat glands, no fingernails.

Jeff Bridges smoking a cigar on a Segway is worth 3 bonus points.

Don’t get fruit at crotch-level in supermarkets.

Duane just might be the savior of mankind.

E.T. porn does, in fact, exist. And it is not pleasant.

Best Action Sequence

The entire sequence in the fishing village at the beginning of Chow’s Journey to the West was really something, and I could watch Weng Weng shoot people up all day. But Weng Weng’s got his award and is too dead to enjoy it anyway. So how about Barry Bostwick’s flying and flipping on a motorcycle in Megaforce. With a headband! Hard to beat, right? But Wes Anderson’s prison escape sequence and a ski/sled chase in Grand Budapest were perfectly constructed action sequences. And a fight scene between a woman and three ninjas in Ninja Hunter was really good, and so was the scene where a ninja turns into a flying carpet. Hell, everything in Ninja Hunter was good!  But for me, nothing beats the ending of Cory McAbee’s beautiful Crazy and Thief with some time machine action. It’s a scene that will make me smile for the rest of my life.

Watch that movie right here.

Favorite Scene of the Year

The terrifying “It’s a Small World” scene in Escape from Tomorrow. I’m just amazed that somebody somehow made that ride even more horrifying than it already is.

Best Silent Movie

I really enjoyed the Musty Suffer shorts, and the modern Blanconieves, Snow White with bullfighting, was unique. I watched Metropolis this year, but it was hardly new to me. The obscure and unbelievably awesome horror flick A Page of Madness gets the prize.

Best Accessory

As a lover of fashion, I thought the neckties in American Hustle were the best thing about that movie. And you have to love Robert Baker’s suspenders flip in Fists of Fury. But what about the protagonist’s “special” hat in Omega Cop? No, there can only be one winner in this one--Richard Ruxton’s t-shirt in The Galaxy Invader.

The Tootie (Most Offensive Child Actor)

Georgie Nokes wins for Song of the South on the strength of his “Where’d you get those clothes at?” line. But you’re not even allowed to see that. Other contenders: Edward Furlong in Terminator 2, the “Oh, I thought it was gonna be He-Man” kid in Ghostbusters II, and Morgan Lam, a poor kid who was definitely not helped by really bad dubbing in Rumble in the Bronx.

Best Child Actor

I don’t know who let their son Jackson Nicoll play “Billy” in Bad Grandpa, but I was impressed with how he was able to roll along with Johnny Knoxville’s shenanigans in that movie. Shenanigans? Is that a word I use almost as much as titular? And I’ve recently discussed how good Jake Lloyd is in The Phantom Menace. But the best child actor goes to Mara Hobel as Christina Crawford. If you’ve not seen Mommie Dearest, you should probably do that immediately just to hear her delivery of “Jesus Christ!”

Largest Body Count

Weng Weng in D’Wild Wild Weng. It’s over 14,000 people. Deadly Prey was a close second, and Weng Weng unfortunately didn’t beat somebody to death with the victim’s arm. But he could have!

Best Poster

Worst Pun

“I’ll keep an eye out for ya” in Godfrey Ho’s Undefeatable. It completely ruined an otherwise perfect movie.

My Favorite Movie Insults of the Year

White Bread Chicken Shit Hockenberry

You shit fucking animals! (Maybe only when Nicolas Cage says it?)

You Goddamn ding whopper

Ectoplasm on wheels

Cornbread fool

Jockasses (if there was a winner, it would be this one that gave the BMC members a name)

You big gorilla monkey ass

Cornball

Lousy stinking dirtbag

A stench in the nostrils of God

You disloyal, fool-ass, bitch-made punk

Best Taint Moment in the History of Cinema (Lifetime Achievement Award)

Barbarian taint--an unbelievable quadruple taint shot in Deathstalker. Quadruple taint!

Movies That Made Me Cry

GLOW: Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling documentary

Fresh

Saving Mr. Banks

Searching for the Sugar Man

I’m not ashamed of any of those. Well, maybe one.

Best Review for a Movie I Did Not Actually See

Dennis the Menace

Best Voice Work

Scarlett Johannson, Her

Best Voice Work If We Disregard Scarlett Johansson

Mercedes McCambridge, The Exorcist

A List of Things That I Wrote That Would Get Me In Trouble If My Wife Read My Blog

My disappointment in a lack of “metallic cooter” in an animated fantasy movie

My infatuation for Veronica Lake

My desire to watch a terrible movie again in slow motion because of Nicole Kidman’s bare feet

“I don’t think I’ve ever said ‘Gee whiz’ during sex, but maybe it’s my wife’s fault.”

Admitting that I was only paying attention to Nic Cage during the Cage/Dern sex scenes in Wild at Heart

Mentioning Goldie Hawn’s butt again

Cate Blanchett fondling

My idea for the Kate Winslet reading incentive program

“Bruce Lee is one of the best-looking human beings I have ever seen, and I welcomed the times in Fist of Fury when he took off his shirt.”

“I need to get myself a mannequin room actually, a place where I can just light candles, try on veils, and make out with plastic women.”

My speculation about Kylie Minogue’s posterior

Ruminations on Lynn Collins skin in John Carter

“Every guy should get a sexual encounter with a Roller Girl once in his life.”

“Tornadoes are sexy.”

“Claudia Cardinale made me fall in love for the first time.”

My thoughts on Michael Jai White’s body in Black Dynamite

My obsession with James Dean’s lips

“Catherine Keener playing a dead octogenarian would have given me a strange erection.”

“I would see a movie called Jack Reach-Around.”

“I might be sexually attracted to Formula One cars.”

My continued infatuation with Bradley Cooper

“Giancarlo Esposito has a rockin’ bod.”

All the Mary Poppins stuff--although she knows about all of this

My written desires to make love to two women under the height of 4’5” simultaneously

the Jovovich fawning in my The Fifth Element write-up

My desire to see Jessica Lange in bondage scenes

The idea that I would premature ejaculate if given the opportunity to touch Elizabeth Perkins’ boob

How I wouldn’t mind being killed by Famke Janssen’s character in Goldeneye

Jessica Rabbit’s cooter search

The fact that I apparently used the word “cooter” twice in one year

Stella Stevens’ leg infatuation during The Nutty Professor

Scarlett Johansson’s buttocks obsession

Calling Sarah Silverman “cute as a goddamn button”

My dream of the cause of my death to be Scarlett Johansson’s legs

Best Moment Featuring Intestines

Well, nothing’s beating a scene in Anthropophagus where a guy eat his own, right? (See above poster)

Best Use of a Dummy

Exploding ninjas on ropes in Ninja Hunter, a child Jackie Chan saves from being run over by a hovercraft in Rumble in the Bronx, or Richard Ruxton flying off a cliff at the end of Galaxy Invader? Who cares? Nobody’s reading this shit anyway!

Favorite Musical Moment

The opera sequence in The Fifth Element is pretty far out, and it was great seeing Grandmaster Flash do his thing in Wild Style. But I loved watching McConaughey do that weird humming and chest-thumping thing in The Wolf of Wall Street. So did St. Louis Cardinals backup catcher Tony Cruz apparently since he used it for his walk-up music.

Best Cameo

Larry “Bud” Melman in Nothing Lasts Forever. Man, it was good seeing him!

Best Sex Scene

Did you know that Pee Wee pops his cherry in Big Top Pee Wee? Well, it’s the old Hitchockian train-through-the-tunnel shot, but still I’m counting that as a Pee Wee Herman sex scene because it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want. There’s the old guy’s “Gee whiz” from Sonny that I already mentioned, the weird motion-capture dragon thing going on in Holy Motors, the subliminal effects as a guy searches for a monster in Forbidden World, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Liraz Charhi in Late Quartet, Harry Potter and some dude in Kill Your Darlings (wizard sex!), Rosemary and Satan going at it in Rosemary’s Baby, the very weird straw thing--virtual sex?--in that Gwendoline movie, the nurse and Pin in Pin, Sid Haig who has trouble getting to the point with a pair of women in Black Mama White Mama, and Gordon-Levitt and Scarlett Johansson (whom I hope to mention more than Sam Mraovich in these awards posts) dry-humping in a hallway in the middle of Don Jon. Out of all those, Pee Wee’s is the hottest, so Big Top Pee Wee gets this award.

What Should Have Been the Best Sex Scene

Tammy and the T-Rex in Tammy and the T-Rex

Best Masturbation Scene

Emile Hirsche awkwardly jerked off in a sleeping bag next to Paul Rudd in Prince Avalanche. There was the guy masturbating in a booth in Skritek. There was the kid, or the kid’s dad, or Philip Seymour Hoffman spanking it in Happiness, bleakly. Meryl Streep’s facial expression does it in Ironweed when another character uses her hand to jerk himself off. A guy took the time to pleasure himself in Chopping Mall before getting chopped, but at least he died doing something he loved. Jonah Hill did extraordinary things in The Wolf of Wall Street, but the his masturbation scene is the most hilarious and probably what will make is mother the proudest. Harry Potter jerks off in Kill Your Darlings (wizard masturbation!). I watched There’s Something About Mary, so I guess I have to include that (in)famous scene. I loved David Holzman’s reference to the “widow thumb and the four daughters” in David Holzman’s Diary. Oh, and just imagine this: a black screen with the sounds of Michael Cera doing himself. Because that’s how Youth in Revolt started! That prison guard in Black Mama, White Mama watching prisoners spray themselves with a hose in what seems to be the only female scene I’ve got here. Gordon-Levitt beating his own meat, redundantly in Don Jon. And you’re telling me something is going to beat off the crucifix scene in The Exorcist? Well, yes, and that scene is the one in The Time Machine where H.G. Wells strokes his time machine handle while watching the dressing and undressing of a mannequin. Randy!