2014 Year in Review: Part Two

Most Inappropriate Scene That Almost Ruins an Entire Movie


Teenagers with cancer making out in Anne Frank’s hiding place--and getting a round of applause for it (Fault in Our Stars)




A List of Things I Learned from Watching Movies This Year

Bogart’s first wife should have married Whitman Mayo from D.C. Cab so that she could have been Mayo Mayo.

Male prostitutes--still called whores

The Rainbow Thief is actually pretty good and Jodorowsky should have definitely made more movies in the past 23 years.

Shammalammadingdong’s movies are a little better when he doesn’t write them.

Email wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for AIDS.

“Vader” means “father” in German. Thanks, Pitch Perfect!

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and Fists of Fury have nearly the exact same ending.

Philip Seymour Hoffman is the type of actor who made everybody on the screen with him better.

You can buy John Wayne toilet paper in Monument Valley.

Crazy Horse’s name wasn’t even Crazy Horse.

Iron Eyes Cody (the crying Indian in that commercial) was an Italian guy.

A new sex position--the Mildread

Kurt Thomas from Gymkata is the most important Indiana State University alumnus. Suck it, Larry Bird.

Never go into an orgy ass up.

Hugh Marlowe’s real name was actually Hugh Hipple.

Michael Haneke tried to direct a pigeon.

Badham plays a ham in To Kill a Mockingbird.

Charles Darwin was a master of botany.

Dick Miller played a character named Walter Paisley in a lot of movies--6 of them actually.

Communists’ torture methods! If If Footmen Tire You, What Would Horses Do? is to be 
believed, they’re sadistic fellows!

People in the future wear their pants really high.

Platypuses or platypus...not platypi.

Un pinche dia a la vez. Thanks, A Talking Cat!?! (You’ll have to look that up on your own. This is a fucking family blog.)

A guy with 174 movie credits can be best known for a performance where he just coughs and rings a bell--Karate Kid’s Uncle Louie. Tough career, Joseph V. Perry.

All the foreskins cut off could reach to Mars and back.

A question mark in titles is considered bad luck. What if it’s surrounded by exclamation points though, A Talking Cat!?!?

A cup was the only thing in the Bible that Jesus was afraid of.

You can’t turn in a solid acting performance until after you’ve thrown a ball around and made noises with Jon Voight.

570 people have found my blog searching for Bicentennial Man. Or maybe it’s the same person 570 times.

Michael Berryman has something called Hypohidrotic Ectodermal Dysplasia--no hair, no teeth, no sweat glands, no fingernails.

Jeff Bridges smoking a cigar on a Segway is worth 3 bonus points.

Don’t get fruit at crotch-level in supermarkets.

Duane just might be the savior of mankind.

E.T. porn does, in fact, exist. And it is not pleasant.


Best Action Sequence


The entire sequence in the fishing village at the beginning of Chow’s Journey to the West was really something, and I could watch Weng Weng shoot people up all day. But Weng Weng’s got his award and is too dead to enjoy it anyway. So how about Barry Bostwick’s flying and flipping on a motorcycle in Megaforce. With a headband! Hard to beat, right? But Wes Anderson’s prison escape sequence and a ski/sled chase in Grand Budapest were perfectly constructed action sequences. And a fight scene between a woman and three ninjas in Ninja Hunter was really good, and so was the scene where a ninja turns into a flying carpet. Hell, everything in Ninja Hunter was good!  But for me, nothing beats the ending of Cory McAbee’s beautiful Crazy and Thief with some time machine action. It’s a scene that will make me smile for the rest of my life.


Watch that movie right here.


Favorite Scene of the Year


The terrifying “It’s a Small World” scene in Escape from Tomorrow. I’m just amazed that somebody somehow made that ride even more horrifying than it already is.




Best Silent Movie


I really enjoyed the Musty Suffer shorts, and the modern Blanconieves, Snow White with bullfighting, was unique. I watched Metropolis this year, but it was hardly new to me. The obscure and unbelievably awesome horror flick A Page of Madness gets the prize.


Best Accessory


As a lover of fashion, I thought the neckties in American Hustle were the best thing about that movie. And you have to love Robert Baker’s suspenders flip in Fists of Fury. But what about the protagonist’s “special” hat in Omega Cop? No, there can only be one winner in this one--Richard Ruxton’s t-shirt in The Galaxy Invader.


The Tootie (Most Offensive Child Actor)


Georgie Nokes wins for Song of the South on the strength of his “Where’d you get those clothes at?” line. But you’re not even allowed to see that. Other contenders: Edward Furlong in Terminator 2, the “Oh, I thought it was gonna be He-Man” kid in Ghostbusters II, and Morgan Lam, a poor kid who was definitely not helped by really bad dubbing in Rumble in the Bronx.




Best Child Actor


I don’t know who let their son Jackson Nicoll play “Billy” in Bad Grandpa, but I was impressed with how he was able to roll along with Johnny Knoxville’s shenanigans in that movie. Shenanigans? Is that a word I use almost as much as titular? And I’ve recently discussed how good Jake Lloyd is in The Phantom Menace. But the best child actor goes to Mara Hobel as Christina Crawford. If you’ve not seen Mommie Dearest, you should probably do that immediately just to hear her delivery of “Jesus Christ!”




Largest Body Count


Weng Weng in D’Wild Wild Weng. It’s over 14,000 people. Deadly Prey was a close second, and Weng Weng unfortunately didn’t beat somebody to death with the victim’s arm. But he could have!


Best Poster







Worst Pun


“I’ll keep an eye out for ya” in Godfrey Ho’s Undefeatable. It completely ruined an otherwise perfect movie.


My Favorite Movie Insults of the Year


White Bread Chicken Shit Hockenberry
You shit fucking animals! (Maybe only when Nicolas Cage says it?)
You Goddamn ding whopper
Ectoplasm on wheels
Cornbread fool
Jockasses (if there was a winner, it would be this one that gave the BMC members a name)
You big gorilla monkey ass
Cornball
Lousy stinking dirtbag
A stench in the nostrils of God
You disloyal, fool-ass, bitch-made punk


Best Taint Moment in the History of Cinema (Lifetime Achievement Award)


Barbarian taint--an unbelievable quadruple taint shot in Deathstalker. Quadruple taint!


Movies That Made Me Cry


GLOW: Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling documentary
Fresh
Saving Mr. Banks
Searching for the Sugar Man


I’m not ashamed of any of those. Well, maybe one.


Best Review for a Movie I Did Not Actually See


Dennis the Menace


Best Voice Work


Scarlett Johannson, Her



Best Voice Work If We Disregard Scarlett Johansson


Mercedes McCambridge, The Exorcist


A List of Things That I Wrote That Would Get Me In Trouble If My Wife Read My Blog


My disappointment in a lack of “metallic cooter” in an animated fantasy movie
My infatuation for Veronica Lake
My desire to watch a terrible movie again in slow motion because of Nicole Kidman’s bare feet
“I don’t think I’ve ever said ‘Gee whiz’ during sex, but maybe it’s my wife’s fault.”
Admitting that I was only paying attention to Nic Cage during the Cage/Dern sex scenes in Wild at Heart
Mentioning Goldie Hawn’s butt again
Cate Blanchett fondling
My idea for the Kate Winslet reading incentive program
“Bruce Lee is one of the best-looking human beings I have ever seen, and I welcomed the times in Fist of Fury when he took off his shirt.”
“I need to get myself a mannequin room actually, a place where I can just light candles, try on veils, and make out with plastic women.”
My speculation about Kylie Minogue’s posterior
Ruminations on Lynn Collins skin in John Carter
“Every guy should get a sexual encounter with a Roller Girl once in his life.”
“Tornadoes are sexy.”
“Claudia Cardinale made me fall in love for the first time.”
My thoughts on Michael Jai White’s body in Black Dynamite


My obsession with James Dean’s lips
“Catherine Keener playing a dead octogenarian would have given me a strange erection.”
“I would see a movie called Jack Reach-Around.”
“I might be sexually attracted to Formula One cars.”
My continued infatuation with Bradley Cooper
“Giancarlo Esposito has a rockin’ bod.”
All the Mary Poppins stuff--although she knows about all of this
My written desires to make love to two women under the height of 4’5” simultaneously
the Jovovich fawning in my The Fifth Element write-up
My desire to see Jessica Lange in bondage scenes
The idea that I would premature ejaculate if given the opportunity to touch Elizabeth Perkins’ boob
How I wouldn’t mind being killed by Famke Janssen’s character in Goldeneye
Jessica Rabbit’s cooter search
The fact that I apparently used the word “cooter” twice in one year
Stella Stevens’ leg infatuation during The Nutty Professor
Scarlett Johansson’s buttocks obsession
Calling Sarah Silverman “cute as a goddamn button”
My dream of the cause of my death to be Scarlett Johansson’s legs



Best Moment Featuring Intestines


Well, nothing’s beating a scene in Anthropophagus where a guy eat his own, right? (See above poster)


Best Use of a Dummy


Exploding ninjas on ropes in Ninja Hunter, a child Jackie Chan saves from being run over by a hovercraft in Rumble in the Bronx, or Richard Ruxton flying off a cliff at the end of Galaxy Invader? Who cares? Nobody’s reading this shit anyway!


Favorite Musical Moment


The opera sequence in The Fifth Element is pretty far out, and it was great seeing Grandmaster Flash do his thing in Wild Style. But I loved watching McConaughey do that weird humming and chest-thumping thing in The Wolf of Wall Street. So did St. Louis Cardinals backup catcher Tony Cruz apparently since he used it for his walk-up music.


Best Cameo


Larry “Bud” Melman in Nothing Lasts Forever. Man, it was good seeing him!




Best Sex Scene


Did you know that Pee Wee pops his cherry in Big Top Pee Wee? Well, it’s the old Hitchockian train-through-the-tunnel shot, but still I’m counting that as a Pee Wee Herman sex scene because it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want. There’s the old guy’s “Gee whiz” from Sonny that I already mentioned, the weird motion-capture dragon thing going on in Holy Motors, the subliminal effects as a guy searches for a monster in Forbidden World, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Liraz Charhi in Late Quartet, Harry Potter and some dude in Kill Your Darlings (wizard sex!), Rosemary and Satan going at it in Rosemary’s Baby, the very weird straw thing--virtual sex?--in that Gwendoline movie, the nurse and Pin in Pin, Sid Haig who has trouble getting to the point with a pair of women in Black Mama White Mama, and Gordon-Levitt and Scarlett Johansson (whom I hope to mention more than Sam Mraovich in these awards posts) dry-humping in a hallway in the middle of Don Jon. Out of all those, Pee Wee’s is the hottest, so Big Top Pee Wee gets this award.




What Should Have Been the Best Sex Scene


Tammy and the T-Rex in Tammy and the T-Rex


Best Masturbation Scene


Emile Hirsche awkwardly jerked off in a sleeping bag next to Paul Rudd in Prince Avalanche. There was the guy masturbating in a booth in Skritek. There was the kid, or the kid’s dad, or Philip Seymour Hoffman spanking it in Happiness, bleakly. Meryl Streep’s facial expression does it in Ironweed when another character uses her hand to jerk himself off. A guy took the time to pleasure himself in Chopping Mall before getting chopped, but at least he died doing something he loved. Jonah Hill did extraordinary things in The Wolf of Wall Street, but the his masturbation scene is the most hilarious and probably what will make is mother the proudest. Harry Potter jerks off in Kill Your Darlings (wizard masturbation!). I watched There’s Something About Mary, so I guess I have to include that (in)famous scene. I loved David Holzman’s reference to the “widow thumb and the four daughters” in David Holzman’s Diary. Oh, and just imagine this: a black screen with the sounds of Michael Cera doing himself. Because that’s how Youth in Revolt started! That prison guard in Black Mama, White Mama watching prisoners spray themselves with a hose in what seems to be the only female scene I’ve got here. Gordon-Levitt beating his own meat, redundantly in Don Jon. And you’re telling me something is going to beat off the crucifix scene in The Exorcist? Well, yes, and that scene is the one in The Time Machine where H.G. Wells strokes his time machine handle while watching the dressing and undressing of a mannequin. Randy!


3 comments:

  1. Again, I don't even know what to say regarding the categories. I just can't do the research you've done. So this is definitely shooting from the hip, and will just be the most memorable for me. I mean, if I can remember it out of a cavalcade of movies, then it's got be worth something.

    Most Inappropriate Scene That Almost Ruins an Entire Movie: Nymphomaniac's Joe shooting Seligman.


    A List of Things I Learned from Watching Movies This Year:

    1) The true definition of "folk music." Ok, not from a movie. But it definitely rocked my world.
    2) Sexual proclivities run deep within us. They don't have to define us, but they can't be ignored forever.
    3) Customizing a countdown for a movie really makes me feel exposed and self-conscious.
    4) Christians think they can make really good movies. They are wrong.
    5) I don't hate Ben Affleck.
    6) Just because someone did it first doesn't mean they did it best.
    7) America is a really abstract concept to some foreign writers/directors. It can make for great hilarity when they give us their version of "America."
    8) My perversions are shared among friends.
    9) Movies are better when under the influence of narcotics.
    10) Porn directors make funny family movies.

    Best Action Sequence: I rewatched "The Bourne Identity" and really found the fight choreography for the entire movie to be engaging and original. However, I have to give it to "NBC Presents Peter Pan LIVE." Christopher Walken can do no wrong. Even when he's doing wrong, there's a swagger about it. His swashbuckling pretty much spoke or his entire attitude regarding that show: THIS. IS. A. PAYCHECK.


    Favorite Scene of the Year - "Cats - The Musical's" Grizabella singing, "Memory." It's haunting, yet sentimental. It speaks to anyone who is nostalgic.

    Best Silent Movie - I had to watch a porno with the sound off, so that no one in the house would hear it: "Assablanca"

    Best Accessory - Tommy Wiseau's football.

    The Tootie (Most Offensive Child Actor) - Jake Lloyd should get it. Unfortunately, I didn't watch Phantom Menace this year. So I'm giving it to Eric Lloyd in "The Santa Clause." Character "Chuckie" from the dope-ass, killa McFilla chess movie, "Fresh" (played by Luis Lantigua) was a close runner-up.

    Best Child Actor - The Apatow daughters from "This Is 40." It's obvious that they were being directed, but you could also tell that the cameras were just left running so that honest, natural moments could be captured sporadically.

    Largest Body Count - Nymphomaniac's "Joe" really racked 'em up...oh, you mean killed...I guess that would have to go to "Omega Cop." Anything post apocalyptic allows for the inference that millions of people have died. Plus, anyone who was trying to keep up with Adam West's drinking, probably suffered from liver failure.

    Best Poster - I can't put pictures here, but I have to name a few:
    "The Room" - It's ambiguous, gross, invasive, yet appealing.
    "Nightcrawler" - It gives the send-back to a old Hollywood style.
    "The Grand Budapest Hotel" - Just looking at the cover is engrossing. It's artistically crafted. It also shows a glimpse to the world, not just the building.

    Worst Pun - THE SET-UP: In the original "Total Recall," Sharon Stone plays Arnold's wife. She turns out to be the enemy, lets him know that their marriage has been a fake, and starts to kill him. He shoots her in the head. Arnold says, "Consider that a divorce." Anything Arnold says in English rapes to the language.

    My Favorite Movie Insult of the Year - A demonic force so hellbent on bringing down the returning son of God, Almighty, that it spews out lies and curses: "Buster!" I mean, I thought "Your mother sucks cocks in Hell" was a little on the edgy side.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Best Taint Moment in the History of Cinema (Lifetime Achievement Award) - "Tammy and the T-Rex." How can I deny seeing a dinosaur's taint?

    Movies That Made Me Cry - I recently rewatched "Shawshank." Brookes's suicide still gets me. A statistic stands that one of the highest suicide rates in America is 75 yrs and older men (especially single/widowed). "A Talking Cat!?!" came to fruition for me this year. That made my eyes misty.

    Best Review for a Movie I Did Not Actually See - "The Peanut Butter Solution." (didn't make it through 70% of the film).

    Best Voice Work - Betty Lou Gerson "101 Dalmations." Not only is she a great villain, a great character, with great motives and means, Gerson is the perfect rough, bourgeois voice which adds a hint of backstory. Though Scarlett Johansson did do a great New Jersey accent in "Don Jon." Accents count as "voice work," right?

    Best Voice Work If We Disregard Scarlett Johansson-
    Alec Baldwin's narration in "Royal Tenenbaums." Thanks to you, I rewatched this Wes Anderson classic. Not only does Alec have the best voice out of all the Baldwins, but he actually does give a good, even delivery. I could imagine that's the sound Alec had in his own head while reading the novelization of the movie. I would like to tip my hat to F. Murray Abraham's narration in "Grand Budapest Hotel." Though, I can't give it to him since the movie had 3 narrators (Tom Wilkinson & Jude Law to boot). Also, I feel like the narration in "Budapest" wasn't as interactive with the actors.

    A List of Things That I Wrote [On Your] That Would Get Me In Trouble If My Wife Read [Your] Blog:
    1) Anything regarding religion
    2) The entirety of the Nymphomaniac post.
    3) Actually...everything because she's afraid one of our crazy religious relatives will run across it one day. I told her, it will only be because they searched something dirty like "horny teenage mermaid."

    Best Moment Featuring Intestines - The scene in "Hannibal" where Lecter eviscerates a guy and then hangs him out a balcony. "Bowels in or bowels out?" The movie was stupid and over-done. But that scene is definitely memorable for intestines.

    Best Use of a Dummy - Terry Kiser in Tammy and the T-Rex. God, he was dumb. If that doesn't work, then it still goes to the same movie. Only it's the scene where the robotic T-Rex literally flattens the demented doctor's henchman. "Helga" gives a "feeling a little flat?" pun, and then they drag the weightless corpse back into the wearhouse.

    Favorite Musical Moment- It could go to "Santa Claus" (1959) where santa uses his creepy pipe organ and makes his slave children dance and sing. But the winner goes to the opening credits of "Beetlejuice." Danny Elfman's overture is flawless.

    Best Cameo - Soupy Sales in "...And God Spoke."

    Best Sex Scene - Stacy Martin and Shia LaDoof actually had sex on camera in Nympho (Vol 1). That is a rarity for "mainstream" cinema. But, I gotta go with Zed givin' it to Marsellus Wallace. (I rewatched Pulp Fiction this summer).


    What Should Have Been the Best Sex Scene - Eegah's methodical, Neanderthal near-rape.

    Best Masturbation Scene - Jonah Hill gawking at Margo Robbie in "Wolf of Wall Street." Honorable mentions go to Vince Vaughn in the "Psycho" remake, Tammy whilst riding her T-Rex, and Amy Adams jerking Philip Seymore Hoffman's character off in front of a sink in "The Master."

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm amazed that you were able to come up with winners for all of these stupid awards...

    You done good with your pick for most inappropriate scene, accessory, poster, pun, and insult.

    I still don't know if you're being sarcastic or not with the #1 thing you learned...

    #10...spot on!

    Assablanca? That sounds classy.

    What happened with you and Peanut Butter? Is that when the little guy got sick? Too bad. You missed a stone-cold classic!

    Your voice work is a good one except...did you not see that picture of Scarlett Johansson? Come on, man!

    Hard to argue against T-Rex taint!

    If I start using your full name in random blog posts, maybe (MAYBE) your family or in-laws would run into something. But even then, I doubt it. They'd be more confused than ashamed anyway.

    That Jonah Hill one was probably the best masturbation scene I saw...I just wanted to jerk people in another direction, I guess.

    That pun is forced.

    That 35 minute musical sequence from 'Santa Claus' is a good one.

    ReplyDelete