2014 Year in Review: Part Three

Best Names

Seamon Glass

Imogen Poots

Will Gill, Jr.

Angelo D’Angelo

Estus W. Pirkle

Rainbow Ching

Just Jaeckin

Cam Gigandet

Scoot McNairy

Best Possible Band Names I Got from Movies This Year

Radioactive Cock

bOner (so proud of this one)

Troll Taint

Pimp Chalice

Teeny Wangers

Barbie Doll Crotch

Silent Gong

Mummified Ponces

Rick Moranis Pants Bulge

Jodie Foster Ass Slap

King Kong Rape

Space Shuttle Sex Murders

Jackie Chan Camel Toe

Interdimensional Hopscotch

Animated Cooter

Pinhead and the Cenobites

Random Maggots

The Baldwin Brothers

Spank Bank

Best Monsters

The nominees:

The assassin in Future Folk

Bigfoot, Curse of Bigfoot

The guys in Big Trouble in Little China

The Ding Whopper in Forbidden World

Lightning crap monster in Metalstorm

Viy in Viy

The guy in Ax ‘Em, especially since he doesn’t use an ax

The thing from the Astral Plane shown very briefly in Furious

Vincent D’Onofrio in Men in Black

the Cenobites

Hopping vampires, one in a gorilla mask, in Robo Vampire

Pyramid-head in Silent Hill--Does he have a name? I like how he strips his victim needlessly before eviscerating her.

The winner? The “beast creatures” in Attack of the Beast Creatures because when your monsters look like a bunch of miniature Tommy Wiseaus, you automatically win this category.

Favorite Quotes of the Year

I can’t even explain why some of these appeal to me, but they all do. For fun, you can try to guess the movie they come from!

“If you can go through the night without committing suicide, then you OK.”

“Everything’s past tense now.”

“I need hugs.”

“Hey. You got the prettiest pussy.”

“One-Eyed Jack’s yearning to go peeping in a seafood store.”

“My dog barks some.”

“You have the most eyes I’ve ever seen.”

“Why don’t you go fuck one of your raccoons?”

“Think you used enough dynamite there, Butch?”

“What’s the matter, woman? Can’t I fondle my own grandson?”

“I wouldn’t know a gene from a jellybean.”

“We’ll go to my place. My wife will see something she’ll never forget--not even in hell!”

“It’s clobberin’ time!”

“Aim for the crotch!”

“I don’t empty anyone’s ass on principle.”

“I use baggies.” -- “I use them, too.”

“My taste buds got wiped out in the crash of ‘97.”

“No wire hangers ever!”

“You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!”

“It’s been proven that all Brunos eventually hang themselves.”

“You’ll be dead, and I’ll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes.”

“Hey, let me ask a question: You ever fuck a mutant?”

“Waitress, more butter!”

“Trick or treat?” (But used as trash talk)

“I’m so hungry I could eat cancer.”

“Now I gotta do my pee-pee in the dark.”

“You can’t fuck the future; the future fucks you.”

“It has no bones.” (This one’s from The Final Member, a movie I haven’t been able to stop giggling at.)

“Maybe that mime.”

“Looks like you’ve got some entrails on you, pal.”

“He’s going to derail us.”

“Man, you know what I’d love to do right now? Go down to Marie Callender’s, get me a big bowl, pie, some ice cream on it. Mmm-mmm good! Put some on your head! Your tongue would slap your brains trying to get to it! Interested? Sure!”

“It’s turkey time. Gobble gobble.”

“One hardly dare imagine the quacking duck.”

“Who’s the pied piper now, ice cream dick?”

“I know how refined and ladylike you are, but can I take a leak off your roof?”

“I want to tickle your belly button. . .from the inside.”

“Not until you sink your dick into this filthy tomato.”

“You know, Willie, I had confidence in a fart once, and I shat all over myself.”

Favorite Discovery of the Year

The Everything Is Terrible folks

Here, watch something:

Best Special Effects

Love the old-school stop-motion and time-lapse stuff in The Time Machine, the ashes falling in Silent Hill, the giant purple scorpions and psychedelic skies in Damnation Alley, and the baby with Arnold Schwarzennegar’s face in Junior. But this award goes to the only special effect that can save our souls--Jesus fireballs in Miracle Man! Take that, Satan!

Things I’ll Miss Watching Philip Seymour Hoffman Do in Movies

Crying. Playing a sport. Eating. Sharting. Ejaculating. Screaming. Pretty much everything, I guess.

White Chocolate!

Most Inappropriate Scene in a Family Movie

The Peanut Butter Solution’s wildly-growing pubic hair! What the hell?

My Most Ridiculous Claims of the Year

I make some pretty ridiculous claims. Here are a few:

The possibility that Sylvester Stallone could find my blog and be offended

The idea that The Room should be selected for the National Film Registry and that it’s omission is the biggest oversight in the history of anything

Robert Duvall was given lines in To Kill a Mockingbird but couldn’t stop giggling and farting

Future anthropologists will be thinking that Coke cans are some kind of secret message from the past

Matthew McConaughey car commercials came from an idea somebody got while watching Locke

Geena Davis is a Baldwin brother

Danny Elfman should score Stephen Baldwin’s death

Danny DeVito/Michael Keaton sex scene would have saved Batman Returns

My write-up for Santa Claus is deserving of a posthumous Nobel Prize

That I’m one of the most popular movie bloggers

Somebody who made Annie Hall can’t be guilty of child molestation

My Danny DeVito playing a farfisa organ horror movie idea

My Best Ideas of the Year

That’s right--I have some terrific ideas, too. Here are my best from this year:

Sneaking into Disney dressed as characters in an attempt to have people take their pictures with me

Vincent Price and Burt Reynolds laugh loop--3 hours called The History of Film

A Danny Cooksey “Mullet Boy” spin-off Terminator movie where cyborgs are sent to the past to give him a haircut

Start wearing a baseball helmet around

Rick Shaws, yet another movie taking place in the Cars universe

A documentary called Eephus!

Samuel L. Jackson getting an “En passant, motherfucker!” would have made Searching for Bobby Fischer the greatest of all time

A movie about that guy who unicycled in a suit made from cans in Searching for Bobby Fischer...also featuring Ben Kingsley

An all-Muppet version of West Side Story

Replacing Maria’s voice in West Side Story with Screamin’ Jay Hawkins

Giant Tom Hanks vs. Godzilla

Smog Monster Festival

My funeral--people should be given the opportunity to pose for pictures with my corpse like in Blanconieves

A movie where Ron Howard watches Clint Howard in Ice Cream Man

Lew Zealand origin story

My Favorite Thing of the Year

I looked up the kid who played Poe in Searching for Bobby Fischer to see if he’d been in anything else. Imdb only had one other acting credit, a short film. And I noticed that he had died at a very young age. I was curious to find out how he died and found this in a message board thread titled “He’s not dead!”:

I'm his mother and can verify that 1) you've got his birthdate wrong and 2) He's alive and well. How does one go about updating erroneous information???

Followed by some instructions about how to contact the imdb people and some people hoping that he really isn’t dead. Then, “TelevisionFan” said:

What was believed to be incorrect information, has been removed.

Thanks to all!

and dancerjwal said:

That is such happy news! I was so sad to read that a while back, seeing as I had a major crush on him years ago...

To which TelevisionFan responded:

Yes, indeed it is!!

It was either a simple mistake, or someone trying to be funny, which clearly was an terrible thing to do, but all has been corrected now.

Now, we just need to hope he will make some more movies!

But then Wakanohana burst our bubbles with this shocker:

I don't know what information was shown in 2007 and what was changed later, but right now the front page says Michael Nirenberg died in 1996 at age 18.

And fdaveokc confirmed:

He is dead. The OP is a nut job who probably does this a lot.

and even provided a findagrave.com link.

And then, vinylfish:

Now it says he died in 1990. Why does it keep changing? I just came on here to see if this kid played in anything else as he looked oddly familiar. Weird that it keeps changing.

It is weird. Maybe Michael’s brother can help us out with this? In steps nadav-nirenberg:

As Michael's brother I can verify he's alive, born Aug. 3rd 1983, a successful chef and once again, alive. Nice guy too.

Please remove the erroneous info, thanks

The only other thread about him on imdb is also about how he died of cancer three years after the movie came out. I don’t know why--maybe because I’m very easily amused--but I thought the whole thing was hilarious.

The kid on the left could be alive but is probably dead although it's unlikely though possible. 

Word of the Year

Hearing Slavoj Zizek say “plumber” after describing the plot of most pornographic films in Pervert’s Guide to Cinema, one of my favorite discoveries of the year

Greatest Unanswered Question from the Year

Why does Sal have an ink pen in his pocket in Dog Day Afternoon? Or maybe whether or not there are groups for women (or men, I guess) who are sexually attracted to Zoltar. I’m asking for a friend.

Biggest Disappointment of the Year

That Ernest Saves Christmas was not adequate punishment for my family to get them back for making fun of Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas

Best Song

Allow me to mention Ben and Arthur again here as that movie had a great (original?) called “Let’s Go” during a packing-for-Hawaii montage and also used “The Entertainer” hilariously during the opening credits. The opening credits, of course, consisted of Sam Mraovich’s name about thirty times. There are so many ways I could go here: a song about space worms in the fun Future Folk, more seriously with “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah” from Song of the South, Jerry Lewis’s stylings on “Old Black Magic” from Nutty Professor, the best part of The Bellboy--”Alabama Jubilee” by the Novelites, that dinosaur song by Simon Stokes and the Black Whip Thrill Band from Tammy and the T-Rex (although I might just like that band name), or “Magic Man” from The Peanut Butter Solution. I loved “Robot Walk” from The Nasty Rabbit, the “Meatballs” theme by Rick Dee and His Cast of Idiots (another great band name), and that Devo-esque band in Furious. It was cool hearing Tiny Tim in Insidious, but the more I think about it, the more I’m sure that they were saying his music is somehow creepy. Also loved that version of “You Light up My Life” from Happiness, and there’s a scene in D’Wild Wild Weng where Weng Weng, his sidekick on guitar, and a guy with no tongue serenade somebody, and that is nothing short of magical. Oh, and the nostalgia of hearing the William Tell Overture kicking off the most improbably movie action ever in the Lone Ranger movie! Tough category! But I’m going with “Please, Mr. Kennedy” from Inside Llewyn Davis, featuring the stylings of Adam Driver.

Best Score

Morricone, Danger: Diabolik

Jerry Goldsmith, The Edge

Roque Banos, The Machinist

Robbie Robertson’s collection of stuff for Shutter Island

Eric Serra, The Fifth Element

Danny Elfman, Nightbreed

Winner: Ennio!

Best Musical

Wild Style, The Nasty Rabbit, and Eegah aren’t traditional musicals but should probably count. Rock of Ages was no good. West Side Story is an important movie to me for reasons I won’t go into here, but giving the award to that doesn’t seem like the shane-movies thing to do. Future Folk, The Apple, Pitch Perfect, or The Black Rider. I’m going with The Black Rider because I can’t have Pitch Perfect winning two awards.

Best On-Screen Duo

I will not decide between Ben and Arthur in Ben and Arthur and Arnold and DeVito in Junior. I just won’t.

Best Robot

Can’t go wrong with Wynorski’s Chopping Mall guys or the Robocop rip-off in Robo Vampire, but Cybernator’s Michael Foley’s character name (Captain Hair) gives him the boost he needs to take home the prize.

Best Violence

American movies are violent, and the following scenes had an effect on me for different reasons.

Dennis Haysbert killing a woman with a bow and arrow in the darkly comic The Details

The hammer-smashed guy in Deathstalker

Bruce Lee’s bird chirping and dummy-throwing in the dojo in Fist of Fury

The mind-bending killing and killing again in Holy Motors

Macy offing himself in Boogie Nights--that smile

The climactic, devastating shocker of Ben and Arthur

The touching climax of Amour

A dude’s head exploding in Chopping Mall

Ted Prior beating somebody to death with the victim’s own arm in Deadly Prey

Martin Sheen killing a hamster in The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane

Lots of stuff in Hard Ticket to Hawaii--skateboarding blow-up dolls exploding, a cancer snake, razor-blade Frisbee tossing with Shades on the beach

The chilling scene in Joe where Poulter beats a homeless guy to death with a bottle of wine and then kisses him

Weird Al as Rambo in UHF or maybe as Gandhi punching through a person’s torso

The end of “Bathtub Guy” in Vampire Cop

Miller’s Crossing: guy jerking around shooting a machine gun as he’s riddled with Albert Finney’s bullets

Bobby Peru’s death in Wild at Heart

Michael Cera’s demise in This Is the End

That kid getting a bamboo shoot in the ears in If Footmen Tire You, What Would Horses Do? That vomit!

But the winner? I’ve got five words for you: Kurt Thomas on a fucking pummel horse. Gymkata wins in the Best Violence category!

Best Auxiliary Character

Lord knows that I love my characters who don’t really matter all that much. And I loved all these auxiliary characters from this year:

the baby in refrigerator in Desperate Living

the “Oh my shit!” guy or the guy who really has to poop in The Beaver Trilogy

Doyle Carter, the old guy at the end of Teeth

Burnham Burnham in The Howling III

the “I have no legs” guy in Kids

Kim Chan’s butler in The King of Comedy

Mr. Noodle (Michael Jeter) in The Fisher King

the character who spends the entire movie in his bathtub in Vampire Cop (see above!)

Butterball Cenobite from Hellraiser

The leather-clad and mustachioed motorcycle guy who an almost-entirely mute sidekick to a more vocal motorcycle guy in Miracle Man

All great, but there can only be one winner, and that winner is Lupo, the guy with no tongue in D’Wild Wild Weng.