1991 sex movie
Rating: 9/20
Plot: A painter starts sleeping with the wife of his former friend who used to be a poet but is now some sort of impotent businessman.
Unfortunately, I was not able to find myself a good Nicolas Cage performance to enjoy on his birthday. Fortunately, a bad Nicolas Cage performance is still usually worth watching. The guy's something else. In his defense, it's not like he has good writing to work in Zandalee. There is part of me, however, that suspects Cage had a lot to do with some of his lines, like they're the products of some drug-fueled improvisation. Check out some of these lines:
"Without creativity, without life, then you are truly unable to go straight up the devil's ass, look him right in the face, smile, and survive." Yeah, go ahead and read that again. It won't make any more sense a second or tenth time.
"When that big red snatch is coming right at your face like a freight train, it's pretty hard to paint--I'll tell you what." Keep in mind that this line almost directly follows the mini-manifesto about the importance of creativity. His use of the word "snatch" here makes it seem unlikely that any woman is going to want to sleep with him, so everything that happens after this is jumping the shark. Or jumping the snatch.
How about these, all attempts at seduction: "We're inevitable," words spoken like a threat. "I want to shake you naked and eat you alive." I haven't met a lot of women in my life. Maybe that's the kind of thing that would actually work? "Take my dumb coon ass prick inside you. . .with your husband in the other room." Coon ass prick. The 90's were a different time, friends. "What about this? Isn't this poetry?" Ah, that sounds kind of romantic, doesn't it? How about in the context when he's got a woman whose morning jog was interrupted pressed against a wall and is stroking her private bits with his finger. Poetry? Well, it's more interesting than Robert Frost.
And "Theirry, you are really going fucking coon ass, man!" That's right. "Coon ass" made it into the script twice.
All of these lines are delivered by a Nic Cage who sounds a little like a sleazier Keanu Reeves. I mean, even when he's saying something that should be perfectly prosaic--like "This duck is really succulent," a line followed by a wonderful Marisa Tomei chortle--it sounds sleazy. That's fine, I suppose, because it really matches the tone of the rest of the movie. Is it a memorable Nic Cage performance? It's not exactly top-shelf Vampire's Kiss type work, but there's some fun. His weird posture and weirder hair, like a greasy mullet, combine forces with douche-y facial hair to make him irresistible to both women and I assume wombats. He performs a nifty card track in Aaron Neville's presence, and does one of those cool Nic Cage point things that I like, this time while offering a cigarette to Zandalee. He curses loudly in a church and actually manages to open his shirt up with the violence of his gesticulations. His character's first appearance is quite the intro. He's silhouetted in a hallway against the light from a door, bends slightly and does a head twirl like an 80's rock star. And, probably because of that move, it doesn't take long for him to find a woman to lick whipped cream off. He also asks Judge Reinhold, "Wanna share my peach?" at one point, a line that's interesting in an a way that is both oddly perverse and pretentious. We know Cage can eat a peach for hours. How long do you think it would take Cage and Reinhold to eat a peach? Cage's best moment is near the end, a classic Cage freak-out in his studio right after he tells an artist friend, "75 years you're gonna be dead! And I'm gonna be standing next to Picasso and Vincent. So get the fuck out of here! Want a cup of coffee?" Lots of gesticulation in that scene, too. But then he kung-fu fights his paintings, whines in a way that only a member of Nic Cage's species can whine, and winds up with black paint all over himself. It's pretty awesome.
Judge Reinhold's performance is worse than Cage's. First, his Adam's apple is very distracting, and I don't even blame Zandalee--played by a gorgeous and frequently-nude Ericka Anderson of Twin Peaks fame--for finding Cage and his hair attractive after having to spend so much time with her husbands protuberance. Nothing about Reinhold's performance would convince you that his character is supposed to be an actual person. You can tell he's a poet though because he looks at the heavens when saying things like "paraplegic of the soul." His worst moment is probably when he's singing on a streetcar. But my favorite thing about Judge Reinhold being in this movie is that it inspired a message board thread on imdb about his posterior.
Somebody: "seriously, whats wrong with it? it must be some kind of birth defect. theres something seriously wrong with his ass."
Somebody else: I can`t see anything wrong in Judges ass?
Check these screenshots i took:
The first somebody again: you seriously cant see anything wrong with his ass? its like not there. his legs just go into his back with some kind of separation. im surprised he can walk. excellent screen shots though, they will allow for others to weigh in on the subject. thanks
I read "his legs just go into his back with some kind of separation. im surprised he can walk" last night and laughed loudly enough to wake my poor wife up. Clearly, I am very easily entertained.
Anyway, this movie is stupid and sleazy. There's lots of sex, but the sex scenes are about as erotic as the average episode of Sanford and Son. The story sort of oozes along instead of developing, and it all leads to a pair of climactic moments that are equally ridiculous. The ending makes you wonder if the screenwriter (Mari Kornhauser) said, "You think that last scene was preposterous? Check this out!"
Oh, Steve Buscemi also runs around as a garbage man and part-time criminal, grabbing his crotch and waxing poetic at a graveyard. But I wouldn't recommend this to Steve Buscemi fans. Or anyone but the staunchest Nicolas Cage completists.
Seriously, I just read that "his legs just go into his back" comment again and laughed out loud. I am a child.
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