Special Feature: The Top-Ten Movies I'm Most Looking Forward to Watching

Some of these are from the future, some of these are currently out there in theaters, and some of these are old things that I just can't find anywhere. I'm not really sure if these are actually THE top-ten or not. They're just the movies I came up with after a quick brainstorm.

Left Behind, 2014

Sadly, this doesn't seem to be the Bad Movie Wonderland that you'd think when imagining a "Left Behind" reboot with Nicolas Cage making that face the entire time. But I'm still looking forward to seeing it because I assume Cage will give the type of performance that could actually save my soul. And my soul, ladies and gentlemen, could use some saving.

Paddington, 2015

I giggle anytime I see a commercial for this one. Like--uncontrollable giggling. This poster reminds me of the one for the Yogi Bear movie, except without the suggestion that sodomy is taking place. You know the one I'm talking about, don't you?

That one! Paddington's got Nicole Kidman getting to play a villain which I'm looking forward to. I mean, any chance to see Nicole Kidman naked--even in a children's movie--is a chance worth taking, right?

Tampopo, 1985

The only movie in this list that I've already seen, but it was a really long time ago. This is a Japanese food-related comedy that mirrors a Western, almost paralleling the Western that I was named after. I have nothing but fond memories of this one. Ken Watanabe stars in it.

Mad Max: Fury Road, 2015

I like Tom Hardy a lot and (probably foolishly) trust that if he's in this movie, it's not going to be just another reboot. And have you seen the trailers for this? I don't watch a lot of trailers unless they're on during football games, but this is one I saw online and actually watched a couple of times. I like the Mel Gibson movies--which reminds me that I need to watch Thunderdome because it's been too long--and am curious to see what they do with this character in this big-budget thing nobody asked for.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 2: The Green Legend, 2015

I have reservations about this one, but with Yuen Woo-ping, choreographer of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and director of two of my favorite kung-fu movies, directing and Donnie Yen starring as Silent Wolf, I'm in. And apparently, I'll be able to watch it on Netflix when it's released. Because something as beautiful and grand as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon should be watched on a Chromebook screen or maybe my phone.  And that reminds me of one of my favorite things ever:

David Lynch apparently doesn't have a movie coming out anytime soon, but I am really looking forward to Twin Peaks coming back.

Birdman, 2014

I've heard nothing but good things even if Michael Keaton's eyebrows creep me out as much as baseball Hall of Famer Cal Ripken's always did. It seems like this is right up my proverbial alley, the brand of black comedy and light experimentation that I dig in movies.

Birdemic II: The Resurrection, 2013

Another "bird" movie. Birdemic: Shock and Terror from the wonderfully inept self-dubbed "Master of the Romantic Thriller" James Nguyen is one of my favorite bad movies ever. I'm a little worried about this follow-up and how self-aware the director and cast might have been as they made this, but star Whitney Moore (a crush) assures me that Nguyen is still pretty clueless. This one adds zombies to the birds apparently. If it's half as fun as the first one, it's going to be worth seeing. I have a t-shirt, so I should probably see the movie sometime.

Lucy, 2014

I have very fond memories of the last movie I saw with a poster featuring Scarlett Johansson's face looking directly at me. Luc Besson makes interesting movies, and Johansson's getting a reputation for finding really interesting roles. And it's got Morgan Freeman who is one of the prettiest actors in Hollywood.

The Day the Clown Cried, 1972

Sadly, I don't see any hope of a release of this movie about a clown named Helmut Doork in a Nazi prison camp. C'mon, Jerry Lewis. Maybe you can win some kind of award for this and then jump on the backs of people's seats and nearly fall on them like Roberto Benigni did when he won for Life Is Beautiful. Hell, I'll probably give you an award, and you can jump on my furniture.

James Franco's movie based on the making of The Room, ???

Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about this one, but my love for The Room and Tommy Wiseau is so strong that I'm pretty excited to see what ends up happening with this. It doesn't seem to be in production yet, and I've seen where Franco himself will star was the auteur and I've seen where Dave Franco is actually playing Tommy. This has the potential to be a bad movie about the making of one of the best good-bad movies which might make it a good-bad movie itself. And maybe in 20 years, somebody will make a movie about James Franco making a movie about the making of a movie which might lead to the apocalypse.

Queen of the Desert, 2015

I don't know if that's a real poster. It certainly doesn't look like one. Anyway, new fiction from Werner Herzog--one of my top-five favorite directors--is always something to get excited about. This one's also got Nicole Kidman and a naked talking bear (hopefully!) and James Franco. And apparently lots of sand. And, um, Robert Pattinson. Anyway, it's a biopic about a female adventure--played by Robert Pattinson, I'm guessing--in the early 20th Century.

And I don't think that's a real poster.

Inside Out, 2015

No Pixar movies in 2014 made the year seem a little empty, but we're actually getting two this year. There's a dinosaur one and this one which sounds like a lot of fun on paper. I saw the trailer and wasn't as confident, but I can't remember a Pixar trailer other than Finding Nemo that actually made the movie seem as good as it ended up being. So I'll set my expectations high. I'm just happy to see brand new characters from Pixar they've been a little sequel-happy lately.

Inherent Vice, 2014

It's getting to the point where a Paul Thomas Anderson movie release date should be treated as a national holiday. I can understand somebody not liking one of his movies, but I don't see how anybody could not find any one of them worth his or her time. And it's an adaptation of a Thomas Pynchon novel? I should probably get in line right now--in costume. Great cast, too--Phoenix (the living one), the wonderful Joanna Newsom, Owen Wilson, and Eric Roberts? Eric fucking Roberts? The guy who voiced the cat in A Talking Cat?!? is in a Paul Thomas Anderson movie? This is without a doubt a future classic.

The Battle Wizard, 1977

Sometimes, I leave little notes for myself and put them all over the place. I don't know anything about this Shaw Brothers production except that I wrote myself a note that says "Battle Wizard--do anything you can to see this movie!" and that exclamation mark must mean that I was being pretty serious. And if this is an alternate poster for this movie:

And if this is an actual screenshot from the movie:

I should probably listen to myself. Battle Wizard!

The Hateful 8, 2015

It's a Quentin Tarantino Western. Like, you don't want to see this?

Tiptoes, 2003

Gary Oldman plays a little person in this who happens to be Matthew McConaughey's twin. Let that sink in a moment. Peter Dinklage is also in this playing an angry little person, like the Malcolm X of little people. This is a romantic drama about a guy with an all-little-person family who has hidden that from his lover. But then, she becomes pregnant and wonders if the baby is also going to be a little person. I can't be positive until I actually see this movie, but it might be the greatest movie ever made.

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 2015

Well, duh. I mean, you're reading a blog written by a guy who likes the prequels. Of course I'd be looking forward to this.

A Pigeon Sat on a Branch Reflecting on Existence, 2014

Yes, there's a movie I'm looking forward to more than the Star Wars one. And it probably doesn't have a single lightsaber. The incredibly prolific Scandinavian director Roy Andersson--in a world where "incredibly prolific" means a movie every seven years--makes movies like nobody else, and if you haven't seen You, the Living or Songs from the Second Floor, you should fix that. Maybe expecting this third in a sort-of trilogy to be a masterpiece is setting the bar a little high, but if anybody can deliver, it's Roy Andersson.