Cory's Birthday Special: Godzilla vs. Gigan

1972 monster movie

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Aliens, under the pretext of creating a "Children's Land" that will somehow encourage peace, summon Gigan and Ghidorah in order to lure Godzilla into a trap. Can our big green friend save humanity once again?

I only celebrate two birthdays on this blog--the birthdays of Nicolas Cage and Cory. When you're getting the same treatment as Nicolas Cage, you know you're pretty special. Every year, I watch a Godzilla movie on July 16th as some weird idea of a birthday present to Cory, a guy who I like even though he doesn't see the genius in Eraserhead or The Phantom Menace like I do. I ran out of Godzilla movies that he told me were good ones and just have to watch whatever's available. I remember another reader telling me that this particular Godzilla movie was really bad, so I decided to watch it.

And as a special treat, this is Movies A-Go-Go style because that seems to be enormously popular. So here are my always somewhat convoluted thoughts as I watched Godzilla vs. Gigan, aka Godzilla on Monster Island.


Jun Fukuda directed this. I'd almost kill to have a last name like Fukuda.

This homework monster idea sounds really good actually. [Context: The main character, a comic book writer, brought a homework monster idea to the table. Essentially, it's children's fear of homework materializing in the atmosphere into a monster. See? Really great idea!]

Godzilla Tower in World Children’s Land--I thought this was going for an anti-capitalism subtext, but this playground library thing doesn’t seem like that much of a money maker.

Strict mother monster now? Man, this guy’s got some great ideas! Homework Monster? Strict Mother Monster? What will he come up with next? Chores Monster?

Monster Island shot--a final shot of baby Godzilla spitting a smoke ring accompanied by a fart sound. Before that, the shots of those twitching monsters almost made me giddy.

Godzilla looks so proud there. I'd be proud, too, if my son could do that. Or if my son could do anything! 

Rotating desk scene--I really want one of those for my classroom. Complete with the dramatic music that plays when he rotates.

What good’s a rotating desk if people can just walk around and see you though?

Whoa! What’s with this guy’s outfit? I think this might be a Japanese hippie. I like how he just helps himself to our protagonist’s corn cob, typical Japanese hippie behavior.

This is already too many pictures! 

“Those Children’s Land people are the enemies of peace.” Maybe this has an anti-Disney subtext.

Godzilla Tower is 13 stories high. And you can smoke in it. These are the kinds of things that matter to me when I'm watching a Godzilla movie.

Monster Island inhabitants apparently enjoy the sound of malfunctioning tapes. Godzilla’s eyeballs are silly in this movie.

What the hell is this talking business? Whoever came up with this idea should be slapped! Or thrown off the top of Godzilla Tower. [Note: More on this later. Barry had mentioned that Godzilla and the monster I'm going to be calling "Spiky Guy" talk in this movie. In this version I watched, they don't. In others? Well, hold on to your asses!]

Godzilla translation (since they didn’t give me subtitles): “Damn it! Those kids are playing their experimental electronic music too loudly again! Get them off my lawn!”

I’m secretly hoping that Godzilla and Godzilla Tower fight.

I haven't done the research, but I'm willing to bet Japan's got something that looks like this.

I’m watching this on something that forces commercials on me. So while I have a break--This is the second Cory’s birthday in a row where I’ve watched a Godzilla movie that is supposed to be awful, somehow making the absolute worst and cheapest birthday present even worse. This year, I have to confess, I was actually looking forward to this. Seriously--for like an entire month, I've been excited about watching a Godzilla movie on July 16th. It's like I need an excuse or something.

There’s too much time in this movie devoted to the comic book artist with terrible ideas, the chubby hippie, and the girl with no pants driving around with this dopey music in the background trying to figure things out. Bring on the monsters! This movie owes me fighting.

Fumio, who is dead but isn’t dead, died while climbing a mountain with his English teacher. And now the rule we have in my school district that prohibits student-teacher mountain-climbing expeditions makes perfect sense!

Now the bad guys are going to play “the tape of peace” which I believe was the name of Yoko Ono’s first album.

[Nope, but she does have two albums with "peace" in the title.]

Oh, boy. I just rubbed my hands together and sat up in my seat a little bit. We’re going to have some tanks vs. Spiky Guy action!

Spiky Guy seems a little too lumbering to be any kind of a menace. Well, until he makes that terrible noise that he makes. That would annoy the crap out of anybody.

Anguirus is Spiky Guy’s name. I looked it up during a commercial, but I won't remember it. His eyes don’t move. I think you either have all the monsters with moving eyes or you have none of them with moving eyes. Having both seems like some sort of continuity error.

The Japanese military = terrible shots. No wonder they had to crash their planes into things at Pearl Harbor. They couldn't shoot.

I can only assume this random gift of cigarettes is product placement.

Oh, it wasn’t random at all! It was part of an evil plan. This movie is way smarter than I am, I guess.

Ok, why are Ghidorah and Gigan floating around in space? Did Superman’s dad get mad at them and put them in a mirrors like he did with Zod and friends?

As a middle school English teacher, this is giving me ideas. Now I want to find a student to team up with to take over the world with the help of a pair of space monsters. [Clarification: Yes, I know the bad guys aren't really teacher and student. It was their cover. Still, those ideas are very real.]

Great. We have a hero who can’t make it up 13 flights of stairs.

Cool--the bad guys have cockroach shadows. Cue drunken horn and out-of-control theremin music.

I think some of these tanks might be toys.

I’m a little disappointed in the lack of movement from Ghidorah and Gigan. They don’t flap wings or anything while flying. They’re as motionless in the air as Godzilla Tower.

Finally! Building destruction! [Note: I thought the Tokyo destruction in this was pretty well done, at least average for one of these movies. It was a nice chunk of movie after a ton of exposition, too. I was starting to wonder if this movie was really as bad as Barry thought.]

Mannequins in Japan apparently look like this:

Actually, I’m wondering if these are supposed to be real people. You know, since the tanks are supposed to be real.

See, now Ghidorah and Gigan are animated. These destruction scenes are pretty cool although Gigan apparently has a tummy saw blade that makes it look like he’s having sex with buildings he’s rampaging.

Where are the screaming people? There's a disturbing lack of pedestrian mayhem here!

Godzilla and Spiky Guy are taking forever. Where the hell is Monster Island anyway? And they’re talking again. Barry, when he commented about this movie, told me they talked. This isn’t much different from how Ghidorah chirps or how they talk in other movies. I saw during a commercial break that in one version of this movie, talking bubbles were added. I’m going to have to find that.

[Note: I found that. This is probably what Barry saw, and it's definitely pretty dumb.]

Actually, this might be the best thing I've ever seen. 

I like the bad guy mayhem music. It's familiar, probably recycled, but I really like it.

I think that even more than the fighting in these monster movies, I like all the posturing that takes place before the fight. If there were translations of the monster speak, I’m sure there would be a few "yo’ mama" jokes in there. "Yo' mama's smells so bad, Tokyo crumbles even before she gets there! Oh, snap!"

Ha! Zip-lining dolls! And they’re not even wearing the same clothes.

The one near the top is the woman with the diamond-patterned shirt. That's just bad doll-makin'!

Wait a second! Godzilla isn’t even fighting Gigan. Spiky Guy is. And it looks ridiculous!

Rock volleyball, with Spiky Guy setting for a Godzilla spike at Gigan, is a little silly, but not as silly as when Gigan starts clapping with those pointy hands of his. Or when Ghidorah lightnings Godzilla right in the crotch.

Yikes! That was a lot of blood! That had to be the big guy’s jugular. I have new respect for Gigan and his stomach saw.

Godzilla responds to seeing Godzilla Tower exactly like I expected him to--with a slap to his own head.

I kind of wish Trump Tower would do to Donald Trump what Godzilla Tower is doing to Godzilla. [Clarification: Shoot him with a blue laser until he's motionless on the ground.]

Yikes again! Spiky Guy’s blood splashed on the camera! That's a Kill Bill-esque blood spurt!

Elevator door opens, and the bad guys fall for the drawing-of-the-good-guys-with-dynamite-behind-it trick! And where did they get this picture of themselves anyway?

So they were literally cockroaches. That still doesn’t explain why their shadows were cockroach shadows when they had human forms earlier. The makers of this movie don’t seem to know how shadows work which is strange since they seem to have a complete understanding of all sorts of other scientific things.

Godzilla’s really getting his ass kicked. I don't think I've seen one of these movies where Godzilla's in this much trouble.

Some of Gigan’s gesticulations are comical, mostly because he’s got goofy-looking arms. I’d be embarrassed to hang around him if I were Ghidorah. Parts of him are pretty badass, and he's got his moments, but he really seems like he was designed after some Japanese kid won a Sketch Your Own Monster contest.

This fight scene is getting a little sexual. Godzilla violently teabagged Gigan while Spiky Guy and Ghidorah were necking. Sadly, I might be getting a little turned on.

Spiky Guy’s power revealed--he can hurl himself ass-first at another monster being held by another monster.

Terrible screen shot here. My apologies. 

And with this cool final shot [but another lousy screen shot], Cory's birthday present has ended. Happy birthday, man! I hope it was a great one! 

Godzilla, come back. Come back, Godzilla!