2000 sci-fi clunker
Rating: 4/20
Plot: It's the year 3000, and humans try to take back Earth from alien invaders called the Psychlos, a race of extraterrestrials who enjoy chuckling.
Someday, I'd like to be considered a bad-movie aficionado. I have work to do, and this is one of those bad-movie classics that I should have seen a long time ago if I'm going to be taken seriously. Here were my thoughts while I watched this seven-hour movie. And yes, by now I realize that these probably aren't going to make any sense to anybody who hasn't seen the movie recently and that they're probably not as funny as I think they are. It's too late now because I've already copy and pasted all of the words here from another document.
Movies A-Go-Go!
Think about movies with "Earth" in the title. Have there been any good ones? And, go!
Green letters on black background. Does anything look more 1980s than that? We're seconds into the movie, and I already feel like throwing up.
Subtitle: A Saga in the Year 3000.
If there’s this alien race that has come and gone from earth and nearly wiped us out, why do humans think a wooden door with wooden spikes is going to stop them?
Wow, our fashion sense has gone to shit in 1,000 years. And what are the Scientologists behind this movie trying to say about humanity? How did we regress this much? I guess this is what John Travolta leads to.
People also over-enunciate in the future because it’s one of those movies.
This scene where Rock and some guy (Carlo apparently) who makes throat noises reminds me of the last time I played miniature golf actually. And that’s why I’ve never played miniature golf again. [See, here's the perfect example of something that doesn't make sense unless you're watching the movie. By the way, this miniature golf course scene almost convinced me that I was about to watch some underappreciated sci-fi classic. I thought it looked cool. Here's a picture:
Sorry: No picture available.]
Uh oh! Mall security! This is exactly why you don’t make campfires and cook meet in the middle of a mall. A guy will chase you around with really bad special effects.
I think our hero just ran through 8 glass walls. I think? Maybe it was a a replay of him running through the same glass wall? Does “You Break It; You Buy It” apply in the year 3,000?
I’m pretty sure these special effects are terrible for 2000. I know they’re bad for the year 3000.
“Don’t breathe the air! It’s poison!” Actually, I think they’re piping in the stench from this movie.
“Sure you might! And I might suddenly grow a third arm!”
“You’re out of your skull-bone!”
This is the type of dialogue we're going to have in Battlefield Earth. And that, Battlefield Earth, is why people laugh at you.
Travolta and Whitaker laughing--they’re not going to think things are that funny when they read reviews of this movie. [Note: I'm amazed at how much screen time is devoted to Travolta and Whitaker laughing. Here's a compilation of their laughing that somebody put together:]
Earth--one of the ugliest crap holes in the universe? The arrival of this king guy [Zete--inspired naming with this movie] brings out an even worse acting than Travolta. [Michael MacRae, by the way. And I'm not so sure about that "worse acting" comment that I typed there.]
Oh, my. They’re laughing again. These Psychlos are certainly jovial guys.
Nevermind. Nothing is worse than Travolta in this movie.
More laughing.
Why are lines echoing? Is that supposed to be artistic?
“The senator’s exact words to me--and I’m quoting. . .” That’s what “exact words” means, isn’t it? Is this how L. Ron Hubbard's novel reads or is this the genius of the screenwriters?
Planet Psychlo is the color of medicine I used to take as a kid.
All that fighting over some sort of pistachio jello?
Oh, I really liked how that guy said “economics” there.
More Psychlo chuckling. They think everything is funny!
More artsy-fartsiness: cockeyed camera angles. For no reason! Artsy-fartsy angles and weirdo echoing. I think that forces this into bad-bad movie territory rather than good-bad.
Every transition in this movie is a swipe from the center. That’s as tiresome as the rest of this movie.
Crumbling tower: Some of the worst CGI I’ve seen in a long time. I guess that's the best that you can get from Travolta's Pulp Fiction money?
Oh, forget I said that about the tower. That spaceship thing was even worse. This entire movie is gross, and I'm starting to hate myself again.
Travolta seems proud of his hand prosthetics in this. They’re rubbery and hairy and nothing to be proud of, but he seems to be finding every opportunity to hold those bad boys up. Maybe that’s acting.
Look at that thing!
I really really hope Travolta’s character gets an opportunity to dance in this movie.
“What do you think a man-animal would like to eat? What would he consider a treat?”
“How the crap would I know?”
I just find it hard to believe a Psychlo would say "How the crap would I know?"
Ok, I guess they’re not speaking the same language here? Otherwise, Travolta isn’t giving away his plan, right? It’s a good plan, by the way--release the man-animals and wait for him to find his favorite treat. That plan's just as intelligent as the writing for this movie.
Travolta finished at the top of his class? Really? I’m finding it impossible to believe that this guy can be the top of anything.
“Crap lousy ceiling!”
Clinko language slave. And there’s a jellyfish. And some magic dust. This might be the stupidest-looking scene yet. And trust me--that’s really saying something.
“Are you hungry, little fellow? Yes?” It’s a case where ignorance is bliss because now our hero is going to have to understand the Psychlos’ terrible dialogue like the rest of us.
That hero, by the way, is apparently named Jonnie Goodboy Tyler. And he's played by somebody named Barry Pepper.
Was Barry Pepper supposed to be Tom Cruise? He looks a little like Cruise.
More movies need guy playing rudimentary horns on cliffs.
Oh, good. It’s Chrissy again. Sabine Karsenti plays her, very poorly. I'm starting to forgive all bad acting in this movie though because I think it's mostly a writing problem.
“Do you want lunch?!”
I knew this movie was bad, but I thought it had a terrible reputation because of the Scientology angle. But no--this is really as bad as its reputation would lead you to believe.
Field trip! Travolta takes our hero to a library to read the Declaration of Independence and to a farm to see cows. And this scene where Travolta’s showing off his marksmen skills by shooting cows is about as manly as a movie scene can be. Behind the back? Oh stop, Travolta! It’s not quite the dance scene I was looking for, but I guess it’ll have to do.
The lights in the night sky are planets?
Chirk’s forehead, long fingers, wild eyebrows, and tongue. And now I’m spent. I would not have predicted that I'd masturbate while watching Battlefield Earth, but there you go.
“I’m going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of Kerbango.” I'm just going to add this to the masturbation rolodex. [Oh, my! That's Kelly Preston!]
Who’s this guy who fudged the books? I bet he was in Dune.
Shaun Austin-Olsen, and he wasn't in Dune. The character's name is apparently Planetship, by the way. What the hell kind of name is that?
Battlefield Earth drinking game: a shot every time the characters talk about leverage.
There’s no way the Washington Monument is still standing in 1,000 years.
I’ve completely lost track of what’s going on here. Maybe it’s because I’m not a Scientologist. All I know is that Carlo has regressed into a human who can only make that throaty grunting sound and say “Piece of cake!”
Leverage!
When Travolta said “Don’t be crazy!”, he sounded like Tony Manero. Until then, I was completely believing him as an alien.
Whitaker should be embarrassed. What was he doing before this movie that he felt like he had to do this movie?
“Our friendly bartender!” Severed head with giant music! Whitaker gets his hand shot off! This is nearly comedy gold.
I am really looking forward to the end of Battlefield Earth. This is an exhausting experience, easily the hardest I've had to work in 20 years.
This has turned into an explosion fest, but Carlo’s celebration after he shoots down a spaceship makes it all worth it.
Jets. Yeah, this is realistic.
I just checked on Rotten Tomatoes, and I’m surprised to see that 4 critics out of 148 gave this a favorable review.
"Blow the dome!" Paul Reubens got in trouble for that very thing while watching a movie, so I don’t think it’s a good idea to include that line so many times.
“THEY’RE KILLING US!”
I bet you can’t predict Carlo’s final words in this movie.
I have no idea what happened there, but a lot of shit blew up.
Travolta--still laughing until the very end.
I'm not sure we can take anybody involved with the production of Battlefield Earth seriously ever again. Or Scientology, of course. This is to Scientology what [insert name of any Christian movie here] is to Christianity.
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