2017 action sequel
Rating: 9/20
Plot: Terrorists blow up most of the Kingsmen and their headquarters, but the bald guy and the kid from the first movie make it out alive. They then seek the aid of the American version of the Kingsman--the Statesmen--in order to take down a dangerous criminal organization and save the world.
There were things I enjoyed about the first movie in this series, and there were a lot of things that really annoyed me. I enjoyed previews for this movie, previews which promised more high-tech gadgets, creative and cartoonish violence, Frank Sinatra songs, and Jeff Bridges. I thought this second installment might be like a Planet of the Apes or Fast and the Furious thing where I fell in love with sequels for movies I didn't care for much. I shouldn't have been fooled because while this constantly teases, it's also guilty of just trying way too hard, completely lacking any real emotional impact, and hammering at my skull with an oppressive soundtrack.
Generally, I don't complain about special effects, and to complain that sketchy CGI effects made something as far-fetched as these spy shenanigans unbelievable almost seems ludicrous. But you know what? The sketchy CGI effects were just about bad enough to make all of this unbelievable. If you want to make a spy cartoon, just go ahead and make yourself a spy cartoon.
As with the first movie, this Golden Circle nonsense and Matthew Vaughn aren't short on ideas. Unfortunately, a lot of the ideas are just really bad ones. Take Elton John's too-frequent appearances, for example. I can almost imagine a situation in which an appearance by Elton John could have been humorous, but this was one overcooked cameo. After a flashy and nearly-entertaining bit of sharply-edited fisticuffs and an effects-enhanced car chase, did we really need to see the main character--like a cardboard Bond, one of the most nondescript action heroes I can remember seeing--covered in shit? And how about Julianne Moore's 50's pop-culture-loving villainess? Although I'd never criticize her whimsical use of cannibalism to control her minions, the 50's thing just seemed completely pointless, and she had almost zero charisma as an antagonist. No amount of robot attack dogs--which, thanks to the special effects, also looked stupid--or guys with robo-arms could make those bad guys cool.
Colin Firth, whose character was shot in the fucking head in the first movie by Samuel L. Jackson, is back for this one, and yes, he's playing the same character. You'd think that would be a spoiler, but it was in every preview I saw for this and even on one version of the poster. I'm not sure it would have had quite the surprise factor or emotional impact as a great sequel twist like The Empire Strikes Back, but it does seem like something they should have kept a secret.
The new characters don't add much. Channing Tatum plays the type of character you'd expect him to, Jeff Bridges just looks kind of lazy, Halle Berry doesn't get much to do at all, and Pedro Pascal and his bullwhip, although they have their moments, wind up a little predictable.
Leave your logic at the concession stand, and don't walk into this one hoping for good storytelling because you won't get it. This movie reminds me of candy. There are times when you eat a bunch of your children's Halloween candy or something and regret it an hour or so later. Your tummy hurts, and you knew the stuff was bad for you anyway. This is the kind of candy that you regret eating while you're eating it. You end up hating yourself, knowing that you're probably going to start losing teeth any minute.
I'm not sure if I'll see a third Kingsman movie or not. I really kind of hate these movies, but I know that preview is going to come out and somehow convince me that there's something interesting going on. I'm a total sucker, I guess.
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