Bad Movie Club: Jurassic Shark

2012 horror movie

Bad Movie Rating: 3/5 (Josh: 4/5; Fred: 2/5; Tami: no rating; Libby: no rating; Kristen: 2/5; Jeremy: no rating, but called it an "awful experience")

Rating: 2/20

Plot: Killer prehistoric shark in a lake eats people, including art thieves.

Here's everything you need to know about Jurassic Shark:

1) The shark is indeed in a lake, and it doesn't even appear to be a large lake.

2) The shark doesn't look "Jurassic" at all. It just looks like a regular shark. Well, actually it looks like a CGI shark. You can't blame the CGI for the movie ending up terrible though. It's seamless.

3) This had the distinction of being the lowest-rated movie on imdb.com when we watched it. Right now, it's number 2 (a big number 2) because it's been replaced by something called Kartoffelsalat. I'm sure they're both right around the same level of "offel" though.

4) This movie is 75 minutes long, and I'm pretty sure 40 minutes of that involved walking through the woods.

5) It took two people, according to the credits, to cast this movie. My guess--one casting director didn't have enough friends to put in the movie, so they had to get a friend-of-a-friend to find some more friends to put in there.

6) The movie also had three sound recordists which probably explains why it sounded so good.

7) Dynamite is used, hilariously. The explosions look great, at least as good as the CGI blood splattering on the camera, but where there's dynamite, there has to be a lighter. And I believe half of the budget was spent on one lighter. I have no idea what the other half of the budget was spent on.

8) The movie ends with "Fin" because. . .well, I don't know why it would do that.

9) Brett Kelly directed this, and we Bad Movie Clubbers had seen his work before in the awful Thunderstorm: The Return of Thor. I wonder where this guy gets his ideas!

10) There's an action sequence in this where the shark leaps from the lake over two characters (in slow motion, of course), sails over a pair of characters, chomps a woman from the knees up and leaves only her boots on the shore, and somehow winds up back in the lake. I've actually lost sleep trying to figure out the physics of this one. Josh said the attack was "Free Willy style," if that helps you imagine it.

11) Vin Diesel might be in this movie.

12) There's an extra ending scene featuring some beer guzzlers sitting in lawn chairs on a giant rock. Yes, it does set up a sequel, probably something called Son of Jurassic Shark, and the way they introduce the idea manages to be juvenile, pervy, and idiotic simultaneously.

13) Cleverly, they added a reference to a painting by John Singleton Copley. This one:

Get it? Brett Kelly might be a genius.

14) Nobody ever stays wet in this movie.

15) The best performance (and by that, I mean the worst performance) is by Angela Parent as the leader of the band of art thieves. She's over-the-top in all the right ways and has an unexplainable accent. I think it might be a Canadian accent.

16) There's nothing else you need to know about Jurassic Shark.

Reality

2014 absurdist comedy

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A director pitches a movie to a film producer and is given a deadline to find the perfect groan of pain. Meanwhile, a little girl discovers a VHS tape in a boar. People dream.

I'm of the opinion that the release of a Quentin Dupieux movie should be celebrated like a holiday, yet even I'm not sure what I just watched. Sure the face of Eric Wareheim, the non-sequiturs, and the absurd tone are all familiar enough, but I'm pretty sure this is a puzzle with pieces that don't even fit together. If you like clean resolutions in your movies, you might be frustrated by this. And if you're Christopher Nolen, you might think Dupieux is poking fun at your little Leonardo Dicaprio dream movie. There's part of me that still thinks Dupieux is a complete hack and that his movies are absurdist for the sake of absurdism, but something like Reality still feels so original and is so funny that it doesn't really matter.

This might be the type of movie that would grow on me even more if I watched it again.

Bad Movie Club: Uninvited

1988 straight-to-video horror release

Bad Movie Rating: 4/5 (Fred: 4/5; Amy: 5/5; Libby: no rating; Josh: fur/5; Kristen: no rating; Jeremy: no rating)

Rating: 6/20

Plot: A demonic cat puppet inside of a regular cat finds itself on a yacht where it starts killing people.

Fred found this one. It might have the ugliest collection of posters ever. Check these out:

This is your standard killer-cat-on-the-loose-on-a-yacht-while-some-sleazy-criminal-masterminds-one-who-looks-a-little-like-Hall-of-Fame-pitcher-Dennis-Eckersley-attempt-to-follow-some-sketchy-plan-while-some-scantily-clad-college-kids-also-wind-up-on-board movie. What elevates it to near classic good/bad movie status is a wildly-silly climax and the embarrassing puppet. Or, more accurately, the embarrassing puppet-within-a-puppet. Look at this fucker:

That's not as grotesque as a couple performances here. Alex Cord plays Dennis Eckersley and has a strange rhythm to his speech. Even worse was former Oscar-winner George Kennedy who had to have been embarrassed if he ever saw this. His death (sorry, spoiler alert) is straight-up comedic.

This is definitely a bad movie worth checking out.

Wild Tales

2014 anthology movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Six stories all sharing themes involving rage.

This comedy from Argentina is as black as comedy gets, so if that's your thing, you should definitely check this out. With a film that's an anthology of short, unrelated stories, there are bound to be some that are less satisfying than others. In this one, that's probably the one with a demolitions expert and one that takes place in a restaurant, the latter because it's more mean-spirited than it is fun. Actually, these are all probably mean-spirited, and maybe that is part of the fun. Szifron, a name I can't even try to pronounce, has some visual flare and a sick humor that blends well together. It works best in a story that takes place during a wedding reception, a 20-or-so minute wild tale that has more hilarious twists and turns than an entire season of a sitcom. A escalating series of acts of revenge by road ragers also works perfectly and has a wonderfully poignant finale. I can't imagine that this would be for everyone, but anybody capable of laughing at the darkest and most absurd of flaws in human beings might get a kick out of it.

Bad Movie Club: Birdemic 2: The Resurrection

2013 sequel to one of the best bad movies ever

Bad Movie Rating: 5/5 (Amy: 2/5; Libby: 3/5; Fred: 5/5; Josh: 5/5)

Rating: 3/20

Plot: Birds attack people again, just like in the first movie. Except this time, they're joined by zombies and cavepeople.

I've had a Birdemic 2 t-shirt for a couple years and finally got to see the film. It's tough for a sequel to be as good as the original. This one's just as awkward with it's unearthly pacing, unnatural high fives, and tacky music. There are enough nods to the first movie to make you wonder if James Nguyen, self-proclaimed "Master of the Romantic Thriller," is in on the joke. There are a few minor characters from the first movie that pop in this one to deliver poorly-written lines. And that's right, coathangers. I saw your appearance. The zombies are a nice touch although their appearance doesn't make sense, and those cavepeople are laughably stupid. Our structure is virtually identical to the structure of the first movie. It almost feels like you could lay this movie on top of Birdemic: Shock and Terror and blend it into one coherent movie. Well, one movie that's just as coherent. Things start slowly with characters celebrating success in not-so-humble ways, romance is awkwardly developed, high fives are given, there's a lengthy driving sequence, and then birds start attacking and exploding. Those comfortable with the first movie will find comfort here as the cadence is pretty much the same.

There are a handful of new characters and a pair of new leads although fans of Alan Bagh and Whitney Moore from the first movie (and really, how could a person not be a fan of Whitney Moore?) will be happy to see that they have large roles. Moore's mom also returns for a scene and has a likely-improvised line that might describe the whole movie. Tree huggers ("Trees are cut down to make toilet paper! We haven't used toilet paper in many years.") and a scientist, beloved from the first movie, also pop in to help Nguyen push his environmental agenda, clumsily but majestically. Oh, and Damien Carter's back with a musical interlude for this one.

Speaking of Nguyen, you have to wonder if references to classic cinema mean that the man actually feels he belongs in the same echelon as your Hitchcocks and Wilders. There are numerous references to Sunset Boulevard including an ending--"ending" is used liberally here since this movie doesn't really end as much as it does stop--that directly and obviously alludes to that movie. I didn't get it the first time though. And that's right--I saw this movie twice. I've watched a handful of movies during my hiatus, but this one I somehow caught more than once. Nguyen also makes his Hitchcockian cameo because, honestly, it's not like he's not going to do one.

Early on, it seems Nguyen has replaced the heavyhanded environmental message with some heavyhanded themes about independent filmmaking. That at least makes it feel as if he's trying to make something that he wants us to take seriously, but I still don't know. I'd love to think that the two cameramen I spotted in mirrors, one during your typically-Nguyenesque sex-with-clothes-on scene, were accidental, but who's to know? Anyway, Nguyen's wearing "Indie Filmmaker" like a badge, and you're almost forced to disrespect him for that.

Highlights: An extended date montage which might be the most boring montage ever committed to film, one where everybody else's face is blurred because they apparently didn't sign waivers; cartoon jellyfish, a cartoon ambulance, fake driving, raining blood, eagles being split in two, fake blood, and zombies that once again show Nguyen's brilliance in creating realistic special effects on a next-to-nothing budget; hilariously bad sound, especially the fake crowd noise piped in, although it's honestly probably better than it was in the first movie; Colton Osborne's work as adopted son Tony, bad acting that manages to stand out in a movie filled with inept performances; caveman sex; roundhouse kicks; characters who say "so-and-so is dead" no less than a hundred times in a five minute chunk of this movie. There's plenty to see here, and I'm happy that although I was skeptical going in, this is a good-bad follow-up to one of my favorite good-bad movies ever.

The Boxtrolls

2014 animated movie

Rating: 15/20 (Abbey: ?/20; Buster: ?/20)

Plot: An orphaned boy is raised by subterranean trolls wearing boxes who some ugly guy wants to kill in order to gain admittance into a cheese fraternity.

Well, at least they're not Minions.

Creative, visually wondrous, and oft grotesque, The Boxtrolls was fun even if it didn't have a terrible original story. I liked the humor and the darkness that squished around the corners, and I'm not sure this was really intended for children, like most good cartoons. Buster was bored anyway.

This movie isn't as good as Coraline but beats Paranorman.

Bad Movie Club: Double Down

2005 Neil Breen movie

Bad Movie Rating: 5/5 (Kristen: 5/5; Josh: 5/5; Jeremy: no rating; Johnny: 5/5)

Rating: 2/20

Plot: Not really sure.

Breen is a miracle. The guy elevates bad movie making to a higher form of art, the kind of art that human beings aren't even capable of understanding. It's the type of movie that you watch and then are unsure whether or not you even watched it. Watch Neil Breen partake in tuna and spill some on his lap. Watch the infamous pool scene. Watch Neil Breen wake up next to his car about seven times. Watch Neil Breen pound away on laptops that are clearly not turned on. Listen to Neil Breen narrate the entire movie. You'll be touched, perhaps inappropriately, and you'll wake up a changed man.

Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol

2011 sequel sequel sequel

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Events follow events from the last movie.

This franchise hits its stride. It's a movie you watch when you want to know what camels sound like.

Mission: Impossible 3

2006 sequel sequel

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Ethan Hunt's called back into active duty after an attempt to live a more normal domesticated life.

Philip Seymour Hoffman's a nice addition. Like The Fast and the Furious franchise, these actually seem to be getting better. Of course, it would be hard to be worse than that second Woovie. And that's despite this stupid "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall" line that made me want to hurl my television at a train. That portmanteau kind of action is the sort of thing that I can't deprive the world of, so maybe I'll end this hiatus.

High Fidelity

2000 movie

Rating: 14/20 (Jen: ?/20)

Plot: A music fan mopes.

This is a whole lot of John Cusack.

Bad Movie Club: The Creeping Terror

1964 sci-fi horror

Bad Movie Rating: 5/5 (Johnny: 1/5; Libby: 2/5; Kristen: 1/5; Josh: 2/5; Fred: 4/5)

Rating: 2/20

Plot: A giant carpet is moving around slowly and devouring people.

This is sadly Vic Savage's lone venture into filmmaking. It's pretty special. The obvious thing to talk about would be the monster, a unwieldly lumbering creature with inexplicable anatomy that makes the greatest sound effects I think I've ever heard a monster eat. You have to love a monster that, at one point, fucks a car.

What the hell is that thing? Oh, and here's the semi-pervy way it eats:

I guess it's not eating in a semi-pervy way. It's more the direction that could be described as semi-pervy.

Arguably, the best bad thing about this movie is the narration. You see characters clearly talking in a lot of scenes, but instead of hearing them, a narrator comes in and just summarizes their conversation. It's really great.

I also liked the music which I'm sure was ripped off from other fine pieces of cinema.

The pace is excruciating, but it's almost in a good way. We see the monster right off the bat, and then there's a tedious series of scenes where the monster wreaks havoc. It's redundant, but not as redundant as a dance club sequence that pads the length of this by about 20 minutes.

I hadn't seen this notoriously bad movie and thought it was classic good-bad movie stuff. Most of the other BMCers didn't agree.

Moscow on the Hudson

1984 comedy

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A Russian guy immigrates to New York City.

This was recommended to me by a person who had immigrated to New York City from Russia. That person told me that it was an accurate look at the experience and that Robin Williams, although he has a "heavy accent," does a really good job with the Russian he speaks in the movie.

There are a pair of grandfathers in this, and they were my favorite characters, as old people often are.

My favorite piece of dialogue:

"I defected."
"You can't do that here. The men's room is downstairs."

I'd like to see a spin-off movie about the little person who worked at the circus with Robin Williams' character.

This movie was likable.

Time Travel Movie Fest: Mine Games

2012 thriller

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Weird stuff begins happening to a group of friends on vacation after they explore a mine.

This is also called The Evil Within apparently, and although that's an awful title, it's at least not a pun. Mine Games? C'mon, movie.

Here's a brief list of reasons why I didn't like Mine Games, other than the punnish title:

1) Obnoxious characters. I don't like the generation younger than mine, and this collective, especially Rafi Gavron who played Lex (not a real name unless you're a bald Superman villain), are the type of kids who can turn a guy misanthropic. There was a scene where one of them suggested playing the "silent game," and I was all for it.

2) They're also really stupid characters, criminally dumb. They look for lost wallets in places they haven't even been, yet they somehow know the word "ouroboros," the snake-eating-its-own-tail symbol.

3) Pabst Blue Ribbon product placement. Pabst Blue Ribbon must be the official beer for assholes.

4) A "double rainbow" reference.

This movie didn't make a lot of sense, and as it lost realism, I lost interest. It's clumsy and takes entirely too long to build to anything. Once it builds to something, that something just isn't worth the trouble.

Gregory Peck's grandson is in this, by the way. I'm sure he would be proud.

Mission: Impossible II

2000 sequel

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Tom Cruise's character from the first Mission: Impossible movie runs off to Australia to fall in love and stop somebody from putting a dangerous biological weapon in the wrong hands.

The franchise shifts from Brian de Palma to John Woo and from Danny Elfman to Hans Zimmer, and neither change is a good one. I really kind of hated this movie, mostly because it doesn't even feel like a follow-up to the first movie in the franchise. It doesn't seem like Tom Cruise is even playing the same character, just another character that Tom Cruise could play adequately who is in a similar story. The romantic subplot does nothing but get in the way or make this feel like a James Bond clone. And with Woo bringing his hyper-stylized approach into the proceedings, this doesn't even feel like the same world.

The action scenes are ludicrous. No, you can't expect the good guys to ever get shot, but you can at least expect some close calls. There's never tension here because the bad guys are about the most inept collective that you'll find in a movie like this. The bad guys might as well not even have any weapons. The action sequences are filled with action movie cliches as well as what you have to call John Woo cliches. And yes, I'm talking about the doves. Fucking birds! There's so much slow motion in this movie that if you removed it all, the movie would be about an hour and fifteen minutes. Cars, during one of the most ludicrously pointless car chases you'll ever seen after Cruise meets Nyah, spin around in slow motion. Characters run in slow motion, punch in slow motion, dive in slow motion, get thrown twenty feet through the air in slow motion, eat peas in slow motion. Oh, and birds scatter in slow motion because of course they fucking do! What the hell is with the birds, Woo? You also get gunfight conversations, the kind of thing that really only Tarantino and maybe a few others can get away with. Tom Cruise, who spends the opening credits climbing a mountain for no reason at all, screams things like "I'm not going to lose you!" He does flips in midair before opening parachutes, probably because he was glancing at the storyboard and said, "Woo, this isn't how a Scientologist would do this. A Scientologist would totally do a flip right here."

See? Woo is just fucking with us!

The story for M:I2 (what the cool kids call it) isn't worth anybody's time. If it's not a story that's appeared in a movie before, I'd be surprised. But it's the little touches that make it completely idiotic, and this would probably have been as good as the first movie if it wasn't for the stupid masks in this. Things start with a Tom Cruise mask, and masks factor into things throughout this. It's just so stupid, the kind of thing that makes me mad just thinking about it. Much madder than I should be since I have no real attachment to this franchise. The story moves slowly, probably so that Woo can have enough space to show off how stylish he can be. At one point, Luther is working on a computer and Cruise says, "Isn't there any way we can speed this up?" Considering we had another slow motion scene juxtaposed with the boring computer work, I was actually asking the exact same question. 

More annoying than the slow motion--the Zimmer score. There's all this terrible vocal music, but it's bad enough to compliment the slow motion sequences, I guess. 

A question: Were the sunglasses in this an example of product placement? It seemed like they might have been, but I've never worn sunglasses and couldn't tell if it was a particular brand or not. I'm sunglasses illiterate. 

Best scene in the movie, one that actually aroused me: a sequence where we see Chimera infecting the blood. That was hot. The rest of this movie was blandly stylistic. 

It won't stop me from seeing the third installment though, but it's only because I want to see the new one where Tom Cruise hangs from an airplane. 

Time Travel Movie Fest: The Time Machine

2002 sci-fi movie

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Pretty much the same as this one. Only it's different.

The perfect example of a movie that just keeps getting worse as it goes. I'm not familiar enough with the H.G. Wells' novel to know whether this or the George Pal one from 1960 is more faithful to his book. This pays homage to the 1960 film with some visual references--including the mannequins that I liked so much in the first movie--but the story evaporates and becomes a dumb action movie by the end. Maybe it's unfair, but I just expect a movie adapted from a classic sci-fi novel to be way more intelligent. They bring in Jeremy Irons near the end of this to class things up, but his costume and make-up are too goofy to take any of his scenes seriously.

There's just something sticky about the way 21st Century movies handle the past. It's like a newly-painted room that just doesn't look natural, a room that you know isn't lived in. I can't buy the look of the 19th Century in this movie, and when the computer animators come in to create the near future and then the far-far future, I can't really buy any of that either. The CGI gets really spotty once creatures are involved. And man, those Morlocks are just wrong. What is this supposed to be?

And then, here's Jeremy Irons--a smoky albino.

I don't think H.G. Wells would like this at all.

Guy Pearce plays our protagonist in this version, and he's doing it all for love, absurdly. I always forget that Guy Pearce even exists, but I've liked him in things. Here, he acts with his mouth perpetually agape. For whatever reason, I was completely distracted by Guy Pearce's mouth. There are scenes when you could have fit an entire Madonna in there.

By the way, I'm being haunted by Ecclesiates 1:4--"Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever." There was a reference to that verse somewhere in this movie [Is it on a New York landmark? I think it was in the landmark graveyard in this movie.] and it was mentioned in a book about Hemingway that I was reading, probably because he used it in The Sun Also Rises. Same day and everything. I think God (or Solomon) is trying to tell me something.