Oprah Movie Club Pick for February--Part One: Up!

1976 sexploitation mess

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Following the murder (by piranha) of sadomasochistic Adolf Schwartz, a lot of people have sexual intercourse, mostly outdoors.

I was pretty much done after "Back to the reservation, Pocahontas" and "Ooh, it's all red. Looks like you've been fucking an Indian." But I was bored far before that. This is X-rated and sleazy although it's tame for the former and at least tries to be satiric and goofy enough for the latter. With 70s-era Meyer, it's like a grown child indulging fantasies. Kinks abound, and although I'm probably not going to complain much about large-breasted women bouncing on men like they're trampolines, so much of the episodes in this episodic, might-as-well-be-plotless pornographic who-done-it seem to go on for an eternity. Witness the scene where a cop gets a blow job. The sound effects are insane, and the scene just goes on and on and on and on. I think it's longer than any fellatio I've ever experienced anyway. There's a scene where Bo Duke chases and then punches a large-breasted (natch) woman before raping her. It wouldn't be easy to watch anyway, but it's definitely not easy to watch for the amount of screen time the act is given, especially with added wooden springy sound effects. Sex happens in various places and various positions, and after a while, enough was enough. It's not a real pornographic movie, so I was longing for a story of some kind.

I did enjoy zipper cam, something I'm surprised Tarantino hasn't borrowed.

It's too bad because from the beginning to the death-by-piranha, this was at least creative and weird enough to keep me going. You had a nude woman in a tree introducing it all--and like a raunchily incompetent one-woman Greek chorus, she pops in every once in a while to fail at clearing things up for the audience--informing us to "sheath [our] sword to the hilt. A pilgrim-hatted man uses a cat of nine tails on Hitler, and there are some wild sodomy sound effects. However, like the pilgrim's penis and most of the other scenes in this movie, the scene just goes on far too long.

I'm sorry I picked this one for the Oprah Movie Club. Something tells me that Oprah wouldn't like it at all.

Movies-a-Go-Go: Fifty Shades of Grey

2015 romantic blockbuster

Rating: 10/20

Plot: A budding romance develops between an English literature student and a billionaire who enjoys whips and chains.

It's Movies-a-Go-Go time! Please don't judge me.

I couldn’t get my wife to watch this with me even though she’s more in its demographic than I would be. Or was it actually made for slightly-perverse middle-aged creepy guys?

“I Put a Spell on You”? Why not just use the Screamin’ Jay version? "He's a wild man, so bug off."

Danny Elfman again? [Note: This is even worse than his Big Eyes score. Has Elfman lost his mojo?]

Slug bug. Blue.

After the first sight of Dakota Johnson, I decide I’m looking forward to seeing her naked.

Giant Rorshach painting in Mr. Grey’s lobby--I’m seeing a panda, one slightly peeved that people keep referring to him as a bear.

What do you see here? Be careful though. "Winnie the Pooh being spanked" might be an answer that will get you committed. 

One has to appreciate the artistic decision to include lots of shades of gray in the decor.

It definitely didn’t take these characters very long to convince me that they’re boring. Now I’m not even sure I want to see them naked. It takes an awful lot of boring for me to not want to see somebody naked.

Grey would have guessed Jane Austen sparked Anastasia’s love for literature? I would have guessed The Velveteen Rabbit.

Now I’m imagining the Velveteen Rabbit in all sorts of bondage scenarios. I think something might be wrong with me.

Come on! You know there's some kink mixed with that stuffing!

“You’re in here.” If that’s your response to seeing a cute billionaire guy in the hardware store you work in, you might be a little stupid, Anastasia.

Christian Grey’s buying rope? I wonder if this is foreshadowing.

Christian’s shopping-in-the-hardware-store sweater is yet another shade of gray.

Oh, and we find out that Anastasia has daddy issues. This is some great--and not clumsy at all--character development.

“I don’t DO the girlfriend thing.” Christian Grey sounds like a real douchebag. Or maybe he's a DOuchebag.

Dakota Johnson’s fake-drunken performance is not impressive.

I’m not sure these two leads could have less chemistry.

“Necrophilia’s not my thing.” Man, this guy is a real charmer. He doesn't DO necrophilia.

Weird crawling on the bed, the words “If you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week,” and an animalistic bite of Anastasia’s toast. I’m starting to understand this guy’s charm actually.

“I don’t DO romance.” I’m also pretty sure Jamie Dornan doesn’t DO acting. And whoever wrote this crap doesn’t DO realistic dialogue.

“Fuck the paperwork!” You go and get those lips, Mr. Grey! Get ‘em! Elevator attack with elevated Elfman music, and I can’t decide if I hope there’s more to come or a lot less to come. No pun intended.

Christian’s a guy with a lot on his plate, but that doesn’t mean he can’t find the time to stand by his helicopter and look cool.

Christian Grey doesn’t DO barrel rolls in his helicopter.

“First, I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard.” He doesn’t DO making love, and he doesn't DO subtlety.

Anastasia’s “Are you going to make love to me now?” makes her seem like she’s either prepubescent or mentally challenged.

Nice collection of floggers, Christian.

“Do women do this to you or. . .?” I would have been a lot more excited about the rest of this movie if he answered, “I do this to little people.”

She can decorate her room any way she likes? I’m guessing that means My Little Pony posters and some creepy-looking dolls.

If she says no to all this, the helicopter ride home would sure be awkward.

She’s a virgin? She’s been saving herself for just the right guy to flog her, I guess. That’s very evangelical of her.

Nipples! It only took 43 minutes and 10 seconds.

Wait a second. He just mounted her, but I’m not sure I saw her sign the contract. Did I miss that part or did they just leave it out? As a guy with a signing-contracts fetish, I have to admit that I’m a little disappointed.

I don’t know what this song that’s playing over this totally non-erotic sex scene is, but the lyrics are about as intelligible as your typical Enya song.

"Oooh-hoooo-oooo-ooo."

Apparently, director Sam Taylor-Johnson got tips from Tommy Wiseau on how to film a sex scene.

“Because I’m makin’ pancakes!”

Wiseau must have been bought in as a dialogue consultant as well.

I really like his tie drawer. And I don’t want to brag or anything, but I believe I have way more ties than Christian Grey does.

Christian Grey’s mother--serious boner kill. We'll know the makers of this ripped off Wiseau if she reveals that she has breast cancer.

Dinners and movies aren’t really his thing. He doesn’t DO dinner and movies.

Oh, he was keeping the contract in the glove compartment. I better take my pants off because I’m pretty sure there’s a contract-signing scene on the horizon.

“Laters, baby”? I’m going to have to use that one.

I figured “My computer is down” was Anastasia’s way of saying “I have no idea how to use a computer.”

Safewords: “Yellow” and “red” are both good choices, but I think I’d prefer to choose my own safewords. I’d go with “brambles” and “butterscotch,” I think. But I haven’t put any thought into it.

I don’t like seeing a tie--especially in that nice shade of gray--used for bondage purposes.

Did he just baby-bird some white wine into her mouth? That's a smooth move, Mr. Grey!

Love the lighting in this contract-signing sequence. So hot!

Striking out anal AND vaginal fisting? Come on! Where's your sense of adventure?

What? No genital clamps? What’s a weekend without the allure of genital clamps? You at least have to know they're out there, right?

She doesn’t DO genital clamps. And now, Mr. Grey, the tables have turned.

She’s not flushed, Christian. It’s the weird lighting in your contract-signing room!

Slug bug. Some shade of gray.

Here’s a boring question--would a dominant/submissive contract really be legally binding?

I can’t figure out why Anastasia’s dad isn’t Henry Winkler.

“Oh, my God. Christian, that’s a car.” Ok, I take back what I said about Anastasia not being smart.

Well, it took an hour and 19 minutes, but we finally have spanking. I would have laughed out loud if she had used her safe word right off the bat. Swat! "Brambles! Butterscotch!"

She still hasn’t signed that contract.

I’m starting to feel bad that Danny Elfman had to watch this in order to create the score.

I’m confused about why Christian has such an issue with one of her parents living in Georgia. I think I was too busy laughing at "Brambles!" up there to pay complete attention.

Christian Grey doesn’t DO hearts and flowers, Anastasia. Figure it out and sign the contract!

If there was any less tension in this movie, I’m not sure there would even be a movie. The characters would just sort of flake away into nothing.

Oh, I see. She has to go away to Georgia. That is going to be a problem. It’s not like she’s signed a contract or anything though.

She must be a heavy sleeper if that story about how Grey’s real mother was a crack addict didn’t wake her.

This looks like a fun date. Being towed behind a plane in a fourteen pound plane thing? I guess you should get ready to die in Georgia, Anastasia.

I’m going to be disappointed if I don’t hear Boy George singing “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” at some point in the last 20 or so minutes of this movie.

“Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up.” I think that’s probably what this movie’s called in the Philippines.

Her butt cheeks are about to be fifty shades of red. Buh-dum-dum!

“I know what you’re thinking. Did he slap my ass with a belt six times or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I kind of lost track myself. You've got to ask yourself one question--do you feel lucky? Well, do you, Anastasia?”

I wonder if she’d be this upset if he went with five belt swats instead of six?

What the hell? That’s really how the movie ends?

Blade

1998 action movie

Rating: 13/20

Plot: A half-man/half-vampire slices up and disintegrates vampires in an attempt to save the world from them.

Traci Lords, Matrix-style slo-mo bullet effects, urban time lapses, blood sprinklers, Kris Kristofferson, cool and bad CGI that somehow adds to the style, ultra-violence, Wesley Snapes paying a total badass, an anti-origin story that starts in medias res, a perfect dark tone filled with grays and shadows. I don't know why I decided to watch a movie with so much vampire action, but it's not awful. I stopped trying to figure out what was going on with the story and just went along for the ride.

Purple Rain

1984 drama

Rating: 12/20

Plot: "The Kid" tries to turn musical genius and charismatic stage presence into something marketable while dealing with family issues, a new love interest, and an equally charismatic rival.

Watch the scene in this movie where Prince twerks and tell me you're not spiritually moved. You'll be lying.

Purple Rain was my favorite album at one point. My pal Vernon and I used to listen to it, probably liking it more because it felt like a naughty thing to do. I never got around to seeing the movie, likely because it was nearly rated X and my parents or God wouldn't let me. In a way, I'm glad that I didn't see it in the 1980s. It would have ruined some of Prince's mystique. Here's Prince, a showman and music god at the height of his powers, and all the footage of he and his band on stage is electric. "Let's Go Crazy," "Darling Nikki," "Purple Rain." Whether you like the guy's music or not, you're not going to win an argument that these performances aren't special. Thank the Gods that this movie was made to document what Prince could do at this stage in his career.

Unfortunately, the "height of his powers" doesn't include his acting, and the entire movie comes across like an 80's Me-generation vanity project. You get the sense that Prince has never had to be a real person, so playing an actual human being must have been pretty difficult for him. It probably doesn't help that his character is unlikable. He slaps a woman after she's bought him a really pretty guitar, he tricks that same woman into taking her clothes off at a lake, he's mean to bandmates Wendy and Lisa, and he attempts vehicular manslaughter with that purple motorcycle of his.

Of course, there's also a scene where he performs ventriloquism in a mirror. No, I can't verify that it was actual ventriloquism, but I don't care. It still aroused me. It's the same with one of the final shots of Prince, after a mischievous fourth-wall-busting look, did his ejaculating guitar trick.

It might be the greatest moment in guitar ejaculation history.

And how hot is the love scene in this? It's like God made Prince and Appolonia for that one moment. I love how The Kid uses backward crying funk as part of the foreplay. Oh, and when Prince engages in sexual intercourse with a speaker during the orgasmic "Darling Nikki"? Turn out the lights and call it a night, Mabel!

Morris Day tops Prince's bad acting performance although "Your lips would make a lollipop too happy" is gold. There's another reason that I'm glad I didn't see this as a youngster. I would have used that line and that line alone during my formative years to pick up girls. Day's other best moment is a drunken backward walk ending with a flash and a stunning "Ha ha ha!" scene.

The dynamics between the characters make no sense, and the protagonist is really too unlikable (unless he's on stage) to make it work anyway. Still, despite the countless flaws of Purple Rain, it's got a special something that makes it really enjoyable.

Big Eyes

2015 drama

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Based on a true story, this documents the husband/wife fight over a bunch of painting of children with absurdly-huge eyes.

I can't decide if this should have had more to say about women in the 1950s and 60s or if its subtle approach was just fine.

I also can't decide if I liked Christoph Waltz in this. The performance sizzles and I enjoyed every single moment he was on the screen, but he was almost distracting. It's almost like he was stealing Amy Adams' spotlight which, I guess, works as a meta-metaphor for what Walter Keane did to Margaret. Waltz is delightfully goofy, his character just contradiction upon contradiction. But he brings a charm to the character that is necessary in this entire story making sense, a charisma that helps you understand how all these other characters are drawn to him. He's got to be one of the most likable villains I've seen in a long time. Amy Adams, who I'm still not convinced that I like, is fine, overshadowed by the wackiness that Waltz brings to the story, but you're definitely able to sympathize with her character. The movie doesn't work if that doesn't happen.

Tim Burton seems to be at his best at this point in his career when working biographically. The setting is Scissorhanded, but there's nothing that screams Tim Burton about anything that's going on here which is probably a good thing. This lacks distracting fantasy elements. The only fantastical excursion takes place in a grocery store, but that scene's a standout, reminiscent of creepiness in the scene where Roddy Piper slips on those sunglasses in They Live. Danny Elfman, attached to Tim Burton's hip apparently, does the music for this, but nothing he added really worked for me at all. Elfman, at his worst, is going to give you something memorable. The music in this was distracting and bland.

All in all, I enjoyed the movie because of its important feminist-angled story and the whimsical performance of Waltz.

Saw 2

2005 horror sequel

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Marky Mark's brother tries to save his son and a bunch of other people from Jigsaw's trap-filled house.

This was recommended by a colleague which is why I watched the first one again. This movie is edited in a way that irritated me, poorly acted, and extremely predictable. I saw every twist and turn coming with the exception of the main Shammalammadingdong-esque twist, but I'd contend that was because it doesn't make any sense.

I can't decide if I liked Tobin Bell's performance as the cancer-stricken Jigsaw. I liked him in the second season of 24, and I think I probably liked him here, too, although it might be because I was looking for something to like.

I don't know if I can trust that colleague of mine again.

Pixels

2015 sci-fi action comedy

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Aliens attack Earth after mistaking a video as a declaration of war, and send 80's video game characters to our planet to wreak havoc. It's up to President Kevin James and some video game aficionados to save the day.

Despite Adam Sandler's appearance, I thought this looked fun enough from the trailers. I was an 80's kid, so I'm firmly within the demographic this was made for. It is a fun idea, and the pixelated characters look really good contrasted against the realism of urban streets, London, and military bases. When Pacman, Donkey Kong, or Centipede is on the screen during the big action sequences, things are tolerable. At the climax, a wild attack that throws everything from Frogger to Paperboy. It's a scene that should be as orgasmic as the scene in Cabin in the Woods (you know the one), but by this point in the movie, you're a little tired.

It does sort of feel like an assault on your eyes and ears after a while though. I think my taste buds were even scorched at one point. And once that novelty wears off and transforms into something a little annoying, you realize that there's just not a lot here.

I am glad Max Headroom is finally getting work again though. And although the 80's references felt forced, it was nice seeing Herve Villechaize in this.

I don't think I want to live in a world where Kevin James is president. We're too close to a world where Donald Trump is. I suppose Kevin James as president is the joke there, but it's more terrifying than it is funny. Sandler plays the exact same character he always plays, a guy you don't really like at all who is trying desperately to be likable. Early scenes with Michelle Monaghan, because of course there has to be a love interest for no reason at all, seem to prove that neither Sandler or the people who wrote this have ever engaged in actual human interaction. Just check out a scene early on that takes place in a closet if you need any proof. Peter Dinklage is fine, but he tries very hard. Again, this is a movie that makes no reference to his size which is pretty amazing. I'm counting his spoken fantasy of Martha Stewart, Serena Williams, and him in the Lincoln Bedroom as a sex scene because it was definitely real to me. Dinklage's mulleted character was the most fun although he didn't have stiff competition. He reminded me, probably intentionally, of the guy in King of Kong.

The characters become even more irritating once we reach the point in the movie where they all start yelling every single one of their lines. That's at around the five-minute mark, I think.

This will hit you in your nostalgic sweet spot a few times, but the parts of it that are annoying are almost overwhelmingly annoying. In the end, Adam Sandler and bad writing are just too much to overcome.

Bad Movie Club: Catwoman

2004 superheroine flop

Bad Movie Rating: 2/5 (Josh: 3/5; Johnny: 0/5)

Rating: 3/20

Plot: The story of how Catwoman became Catwoman and fought one of comics' greatest villains--Sharon Stone.

I can't remember a movie flopping this hard during my lifetime as a movie watcher. This is the second time I've watched this, for some reason, and it's an example of a movie that manages to get everything wrong, utterly and hilariously wrong.

The CGI, for both 2004 and 1967, is embarrassing.

The puns manage to neither be kitschy or witty. They are puns that exist because the writers of this drivel felt that having puns was necessary in a comic book superhero movie.

Halle Barry's career-wrecking performance is probably not entirely her fault. And I'm sure Sharon Stone's sleepy performance has more to do with whatever drugs she was on at the time. Nobody has anything to work with with this abysmal screenplay, and it's likely that director Pitof made them stretch out all their lines, especially since that's the sort of thing a director who goes by one name would do.

Speaking of Pitof, he's credited with visual effects on both City of Lost Children and Delicatessen, two movies I absolutely love. Now that I know that, some of the visuals in this do sort of make sense. It doesn't mean that this movie ever has an appropriate tone. It somehow feels comic bookish without ever getting the comic book tone right.

This movie gets sexy all wrong. Halle Barry's forced to strut her stuff in what appears to be bondage gear, showing about twice as much skin as any Catwoman who has came before or after. I can't even tell if Sharon Stone was supposed to have sex appeal or not. I kept expecting her character to flash vagina, but it unfortunately didn't happen.

Speaking of the bondage motif, Catwoman's whip confused me. I'm pretty sure Catwoman is supposed to have a whip, but I think she only has one in a single scene. It's like Halle Berry was too busy working on her sexy kitty voice and walk guaranteed to force sweaty geeks worldwide to salivate and objectify and didn't have enough time to train with the whip so that she didn't accidentally knock one of her beautiful eyes out and ruin her acting career.

As if this movie didn't, sadly, have that exact same effect.

As expected, this ends up with a big fight between our titular protagonist and her arch-nemesis--a cat fight. That pun is better than any of the writing in this movie, so I'm not listening to any of your criticism. But that big climactic fight is between Catwoman, a character who has made complete fools of everybody else she's encountered, and Sharon Stone. Now, I think I misunderstood some of the movie's plot. It's entirely possible that some cream she was using gave her super powers of some kind, but it still looked really dopey.

The romantic subplot, because every heroine needs a man, isn't necessary or convincing.

The pace kind of thunks along, ostensibly for character development, but once the scenes that wallop you like a hammer to the grill come along, you discover that you still don't really give a damn about any of the characters.

This movie not only fails; it fails spectacularly. And after watching it twice and spending this time writing about it, I feel that I've wasted enough time with the thing.

Bridge of Spies

2015 Cold War drama

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A lawyer hired to represent a suspected Soviet spy decides to take his job a little too seriously.

A terrific opener featuring Cold War spy vs. spy cat 'n' mouse stuff reminds me how much I'm longing for a Mad Magazine Spy vs. Spy movie. Before you scoff, just think about how great that could be. Adrien Brody would be both spies for obvious reasons.

Forgive me for being sidetracked already, but the Internet is telling me that a Spy vs. Spy movie has been in development for a long time. And that Ron Howard has been involved or rumored to be involved? I don't know for sure because I don't have time to read anything. I have a lot of blog posts to write here.

This Spielberg jam is a little color-by-numbers, but that doesn't lessen its impact. The true story intrigues. I like these movies about the quieter bits of the Cold War, ones without heads of state reaching for buttons. Spielberg's eye is as dependable as it always is, and the fuzzy lighting and period details work to give this an authentic vibe. Other than one action scene used in the trailer that probably tricked a lot of people into thinking this was going to be an action movie, this focuses on conversations behind closed doors. Spielberg creates tension effortlessly, most tensely in a trio of scenes--a foot-chase scene with umbrellas, Hanks' character's first trip from one side of the Berlin Wall to the other, and a climactic scene on a bridge. A schmaltzy ending and some music that's a little too predictable bog things down only a little bit. The Coens apparently helped punch up the script, and there are a lot of lines that felt like they came from Coen characters' mouths. And I mean that in a good way. It helped keep the dust off this one.

The performances are good. Hanks is Hanks, and although it's sometimes hard to forget that in his movies, his Everyman quality works perfectly here. Best Supporting Actor winner Mark Rylance gives this quietly brilliant performance, all hushed lines and sniffing. He's really really good without doing anything that you're likely to remember. And maybe if I had watched this movie in the 1960s, I wouldn't feel this way, but Rylance creates a character who is easy to sympathize and root for even though he's the enemy.

Historical dramas aren't my generally my thing, but the Cold War tensions are palpable in this, retaining the story's drive, and that keeps things interesting throughout.

Deadpool

2016 R-rated superhero movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A Deadpool origin story.

Vibrant and cheeky, Deadpool feels fresh from beginning to end, and part of that might be because of the R-rating. The humor is randy, and there's some extremely violent imagery that your other X-Men [Disclosure: I don't know my comic books well enough to know whether or not Deadpool even is an X-Man.] or Marvel movies can't show you because they wouldn't be able to sell as many action figures. Oh, and nudity. There's some nudity in there as well. I think I even saw a dick!

Most of the credit has to go to the writers and Ryan Reynolds' performance, both tongue in cheek. The script is peppered with references to its cinematic peers, often poking fun at the genre. My favorite bit might have been a visit to the X-Men's school and the ensuing dialogue. The opening credits, my favorite superhero movie credits since The Watchmen, set the perfect tone, immediately taking jabs at and embracing the cliches of the comic book action movie genre. Reynolds is fearless, and he has this ability to have this arrogance where he knows he's all that while still managing to be likable. Witty dick jokes feel redundant after a while, but Reynolds delivers the last of them exactly like he delivers the first of them, and that persistence and dedication keeps the audience going. The script is more dirty limerick than Shakespeare, of course, but it's so offbeat and different from everything we're used to seeing in these Marvel superhero movies, that it's refreshingly amusing. This is the kind of movie where you know the people writing it probably had just as much fun as you are watching it.

The tone shifts when our anti-hero is transformed, but I suppose it's necessary. If any of the movie lags, it's this middle bit, and I think a more engaging bad guy could have helped. Like every single other Marvel superhero movie that has been made and will be made, this ends with a grand fight sequence that doesn't make a lot of sense. The big action and effects-laden payoff isn't nearly as much fun as the rest of the movie. Still, as a telling of the anti-hero's journey, this works.

Am I the only one who feels slightly embarrassed for Stan Lee when I see his cameo in these things?

I really liked Deadpool's sidekick, the blind woman played by Leslie Uggams.

I made the rare trip to the theater to watch this, the kind of thing that convinces me that I need to only watch movies in the privacy of my own home. The Simpsons' comic book guy was sitting two seats from me and couldn't stop giggling. Also, I was uncomfortable when the kid who came in to clean the theater as I was leaving decided he needed to talk to me.

Here's a question: Aren't most Marvel superhero movies going to seem really boring after this one?

The Armour of God 2: Operation Condor

1991 sequel to a movie I haven't watched

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Jackie Chan races bad guys to find Nazi gold in the Sahara desert.

No, I haven't seen the first in this Jackie-Chan-gets-his-Indiana-Jones-on series, but I was in the mood for a Jackie Chan movie. It was hard to stick in there during the first half of the movie. Action sequences, the same sorts of creatively cartoonish ones you'd expect in one of Jackie Chan's movies, are sprinkled throughout, but it's hard to connect with the characters, good or bad. The lengthy climactic fight sequence makes the whole thing worth it, however, as Chan and others take advantage of the subterranean sets with brilliant choreographed kicks to the head. The big payoff is with some wind tunnel hijinks, but I preferred most of the fighting that led up to that. The last 30 minutes are definitely a lot of fun and definitely quenched my Jackie Chan thirst.

Terminator Genisys

2015 blockbuster sequel

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Pretty much the same as the other Terminator movies.

Ok, I think I'm going to have to be done with Terminator movies. This is slightly better than Terminator Salvation. I guess you don't really know how much you miss Arnold Schwarzenegger until he's gone. The character stopped making sense a long time ago, but Schwarzenegger himself is at least as likable here as he's ever been. The humor doesn't really work in this, mostly because it contrasts with the action mayhem of the rest of the movie, but there are a couple moments that almost put a smile on my face, both involving Arnold.

This really feels like a movie that the studio decided to make well before anybody knew what the story would be, and then, once greenlighted, had computer graphics guys scurrying into their basements to start putting together wild action sequences. And only then did somebody decide, "Hey, this movie needs a plot! Somebody start writing something." The story and characters are thrown to the side so that we can watch morphing and melting Terminator villains, cars crashing all over the place, buses doing forward flips, and a whole bunch of other stuff that I'll likely forget I've seen in another week or two.

The characters, even though we've seen them in various incarnations in the other movies in this franchise, are also forgettable. Emilia Clarke, I imagine, is supposed to be a feisty Sarah Connor, but comes across and bratty. She's really not very good here at all. Jason Clarke and Jai Courtney don't really work, and I'm not sure why J.K. Simmons decided to take time out of his busy insurance commercial schedule to mess around with this crap.

Yeah, I've made my decision. I can't do another Terminator movie. I'll make an exception if they decide to involve Kevin James.

Straight Outta Compton

2015 biopic

Rating: 15/20

Plot: The rise to fame and collapse of one of hip hop's first gangster rap groups.

When N.W.A. hit, I was a white middle school student surrounded by a bunch of other white people. I liked rap music, but it was mostly the stuff where they sang about playing baseball with Dave Winfield or going to Mars in cars or how wonderful their shoes were. I didn't understand N.W.A. and couldn't figure out why they were so angry. It wasn't until an embarrassing amount of time had passed that I really got this.

This biopic tells their story well. What's likely the best thing about it is that it feels like archival footage a lot of times. At times, the actors who play Ice Cube, Dr. Dre, Eazy-E, and others just seem to really be those people. The concert scenes are electric, and so are the reenactments of the highs and lows of the career. It's not exactly an objective look at race relations in the late-80s, but it's not like this is telling the story of race relations in the 80s. It's telling the story of N.W.A., and there's little that happens here that makes you question the story's authenticity.

I don't want to sound as racist as the Academy Award folk, but although the performances of the young black ensemble cast were really good, Paul Giamatti really stole the show.

After this, I suppose the Gucci Crew II biopic is probably in some early drafting stages. It'll be called Everybody Wants Some.

Movies-A-Go-Go: Saw

2004 horror mystery

Rating: 12/20

Plot: A couple guys wake up chained to opposite walls in the filthiest bathroom you'll ever see and find out that they're part of a sadistic game designed by a serial killer who speaks through a puppet.

This is written in the stream-of-conscious Movies-A-Go-Go style (patent not pending) in which I watch the movie with my laptop in my lap to record all of my thoughts. This extremely popular shane-movies blog feature is the closest most of you will get to watching a movie with me.

A film by James Wan. I had either forgotten or never knew that there was a connection between this and Furious 7. 

Here’s the deal with this movie: It’s actually the second time that I've seen it. When I taught in Northern Indiana, a student brought it to me and told me to watch it. All I remember is that I didn’t think it was as bad as I thought it would be.

The lights come on, and it’s my greatest fear: I might have to use the toilet in front of somebody else.

I have problems with public restrooms anyway, but this one would be ridiculous. I will say this though: I have been in at least one gas station restroom that wasn’t as clean as this one.

“First dead body I’ve ever seen. They look different. They don’t move.” Where did they find this genius?

Genius’s name is Adam. Please let the other guy’s name be Steve! I don’t ask for much, God.

Worst thing about this entire situation is that their significant others are never going to buy their stories. “I swear, honey. I was locked in a filthy restroom with a dead guy and a guy who had never seen a dead guy before!”

Using your shirt to retrieve a mini-tape player without getting any blood on the shirt takes both skill and finesse.

Tape voice is doing some freestyle rap. “I see you as angry and apathetic, but mostly just pathetic, yo.”

That’s Jigsaw, as I recall, the first horror icon to be named after something a kid can buy in a toy store but never want to play with. Yo-Yo, Magnetic Head Hair Guy, Sock Monkey, Silly Putty, Hula Hoop, Pink Rubber Ball. Those sadly never panned out.

I’m a little shocked this never became a reality show.

It’s unclear why Adam is doing anything that the doctor is telling him to do considering he just heard two minutes ago that the doctor has to kill him. This is the sort of flaw that keeps this from being the horror classic that a lot of people seem to think it is.

Oh, I could have watched the sawing montage for another 20 minutes.

Danny Glover and Sing, and this is threatening to become a buddy cop movie.

Uh oh. It’s that guy from Lost.

Hi, I'm Michael Emerson, and I'm only in movies and t.v. shows that just almost make sense. 

Danny Glover needs a tie. It’s hard to take a detective seriously when he doesn’t have a tie and his partner does.

I hate the flashy editing in the flashbacks.

I know these people are in peril, but the Jigsaw puppet--especially when his mouth moves as he talks, is really silly. Maybe he should have been Silly Putty.

Ahh, the belly button is the period in the question mark drawn on Amanda’s friend’s abdomen. That’s a classy move, Jigsaw. It's those stylistic touches that put the bitches in the seats.

Amanda rooting through intestines. I can’t tell if that’s hot or not.

Now that we get Jigsaw’s viewpoint, we can see that there are urinals in there as well.

It’s taking the doctor’s daughter about a half an hour of screen time to get to her parents’ room in this “last thing I ever said to my daughter” flashback. And why is the daughter so calm with a scary man in her room?

There’s only one thing worse than a bad man in your bedroom, and that’s your father talking about your “tootsies.”

“Tomorrow, I’ll read you your favorite story” is the last thing he said to his daughter? Well, that doesn't seem to bad.

That little girl is still working. I’m surprised she wasn’t traumatized by this experience.

Makenzie Vega, who also played Nicolas Cage's daughter in The Weatherman.

The scene with the man in the closet is terrifying, definitely much worse than somebody talking about your tootsy. The subsequent scene where he’s got them tied up and crying goes on for way too long.

I wish Jigsaw would release an album of covers. I’d like to hear him, with nothing more than acoustic guitar accompaniment, singing some Leonard Cohen songs.

A mannequin factory? Well, that probably should be the first place you check out anytime there’s a murder.

I’m pretty sure Jigsaw survived being shot because he saw Clint Eastwood and/or Michael J. Fox movies and used the old stove-door-in-his-shirt trick. Movies can save lives.

“Are you joking? You’re going to put something you found in this room in your mouth?”

If I had a nickel for every time I was attacked by a pig man in a parking garage, I’d have ten cents.

Seeing the picture Adam hid from him for the first time is the doctor’s time to shine as an actor. Developing a stutter, screaming.

Adam’s fake death after enjoying the cigarette. It’s shocking that Jigsaw didn’t fall for that. The acting was nearly perfect there.

Adam’s house looks about as clean as the restroom they’re trapped in. Actually, I think the restroom might be an improvement, so I don’t know what he’s complaining about.

Whenever I want to turn off a doll that makes noise, I always reach for the baseball bat first, too. Actually, why did Adam have easy access to a wooden baseball bat anyway?

I would have answered the phone with a heartier hello.

If Jigsaw had any sense of humor at all, he would have pranked the doctor, preferably with some bad puns. "Hey, guess what I SAW you do." "Don't ever CHAINGE, Doctor."

Ok, I shouldn't try to pun when I'm this tired.

“Stop the lies! You’re a liar!” I wish this movie was better written.

I don’t think I would pay to stay or sleep with my secretary in an establishment called Shitbag Hotel.

I like that green telephone. Red telephone in a dimly-lit red-walled hotel room feels like it belongs in a David Lynch movie.

Oh, it’s a “prehistoric bathroom.” That does explain things.

I’m really confused about the timeline of this thing. I don’t see how Danny Glover’s detective character could have gone nuts this quickly.

“Covered yourself in peanut butter and had a 15-hooker gang bang.” Hey, that does sound like a good time!

“Is that you, Zep, you bastard! I know it’s you, you son of a bitch!” From now on, I’m going to make a guess at who might be on the phone and scream stuff like that when I answer. It’ll make receiving phone calls much more interesting.

The acting in this gets worse as things move along. The noise Zep makes when he’s stabbed in the leg with scissors. His “I’m gonna kill your husband now, Mrs. Gordon.” The doctor’s moaning after hearing the shoot-out at his house.

I don’t want to ruin the experience of watching this movie by bringing up realism, but would it even be possible to saw off one’s own foot?

Ok, that's a nifty twist. I'll give Saw, that. 

I apologize if you actually read this whole thing.

Bad Movie Club: Cat-Women of the Moon

1953 science fiction movie

Bad Movie Rating: 2/5 (Jeremy: no rating; Melissa: didn't finish; Fred: 2/5; Libby: no rating)

Rating: 5/20

Plot: Astronauts visiting the moon encounter cat-women who make plans to steal their rocket. Freudian!

Very short, three-set B-movie with the kind of naivete you just have to love in these 50's moon movies. Spaceship innards, a cave with really fake-looking giant spiders, and the posh lair of the black-tight-clad cat-women is pretty much all you're getting here although there is a generous helping of light misogyny. It's a long 64 minutes with this one, but it did give us the opportunity to make pussy references, so it wasn't all bad.