Wind River

2017 drama

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Animal bounty hunter Cory Lambert is called on to help solve the mystery of his deceased daughter's murdered friend. He and an FBI agent who might be out of her element ride around on a snowmobile on a Native American reservation and get ready to shoot people.

This from Taylor Sheridan who wrote Hell or High Water and Sicario, but I didn't think it was as good as either of those. You really have to enjoy snow and violence, I guess. The snow is an interesting clean and bright contrast to the darkness at the heart of the movie. The mystery unfurls in some surprising ways until you get to the end of the movie and realize that it's kind of like most contemporary mysteries, like a completed Lego piece made up of borrowed Legos from other sets. I had trouble emotionally connecting to anything because few of the characters--and certainly not any of them who had any chance of dying--were developed very well. The action turns violent and as bleakly silly as you'd expect from a Hollywood production before a message about missing Native American women on reservations is tacked on to try to give the whole thing some substance. Sorry, Mr. Sheridan, but it really seemed like it was all violence for the sake of violence. This was an entertainment, not a public service announcement.

I'm not the biggest fan of Jeremy Renner, and here, he's playing the exact sort of tough guy you'd expect in something like this. He doesn't do it poorly, but I didn't find the character that engaging. He was just a guy haunted by his past who was really good at what he did, but there are tons of characters out there like that. Elizabeth Olsen plays the FBI agent, a character who we're made to think is a strong female character but who ends up being nothing more than a love interest for Renner to save. I did like the character played by Apesanahkwat.

Nick Cave sort of moans over the proceedings, and the story is gripping enough to keep the average person interested until the end, but there just wasn't anything fresh or anything deep about this one.

Perfect Blue

1997 anime

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A pop singer has a bit of a mental breakdown after leaving her group to pursue a career in acting.

This flows like an animated David Lynch movie. I'm not a fan of anime, but the style of the storytelling and the use of an unreliable narration keeps things interesting. It's definitely a very adult cartoon as there is a very graphic rape scene, so you should watch this with your seven-year-old daughter like I did.

I feel like I'd need to watch this again, get some more saliva in there in order to help unravel what is fantasy, hallucination, and reality in Mima's story.

This was directed by Satoshi Kon who made Paprika, another rare anime movie that I enjoyed, at least more than my brother did. I don't know. Maybe I would like anime more if I watched it more often.

Evolution

2015 artsy horror-ish film

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A young boy grows up with the types of questions that all young boys have. Why are there only mothers and boys on this island? Why do we all have to go to the hospital? Why are you and all those other ladies rolling around naked in the mud together, Mommy? Why doesn't anybody care about that dead kid? Wait a second--am I pregnant?

Quiet, bemusing, and visually poetic, this is a film that grabs at you and keeps you intrigued until the finale. Since I didn't understand what it was getting at, I'm going to go with the "It's open to interpretation" analysis, though I do have my own ideas. Of course, I can say that I have my own ideas even if I don't and get away with it for a few reasons:

1) Nobody reads this.
2) Anybody reading this is unlikely to call me on it, probably because this isn't a widely-seen movie.
3) If I am called on it, I am really good at just making crap up. I'd start with feminism and go from there.

I don't know director Lucile Hadzihalilovic other than she's got a whopper of a name and that Evolution was her first movie in 11 years. Oh, and she co-wrote Enter the Void with Gaspar Noe.

The Wave

2015 Norwegian disaster movie

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Fjord mayhem!

What the hell am I doing with my life? I saw this on Netflix and thought I remembered reading about it being really good. The only thing it proves is that Norwegians can make disaster movies just as dumb as Americans can.

I lost interest in the characters and the plot, and I got frustrated because the actress--Ane Dahl Torp--looked a little like Nicole Kidman but was never naked.

The director's name is appropriate. It's Roar Uthaug which is actually Norwegian for "Loud Blockbuster." You can look that up if you want, but I'd rather you just trust me that it's accurate information.

Silent Saturday: A Man There Was

1917 Swedish drama

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A guy boats away to look for food for his town during war times. He gets himself captured, and by the time he returns, his family is gone. He lives a bitter life until something happens which requires him to decide between revenge and forgiveness.

This is based on a poetic work by Henrik Ibsen. Ibsen is considered one of the greats, but let's see the fucker write a plot synopsis that well.

This is the second recent Silent Saturday featuring the work of Victor Sjostrom, a guy who must have been a blast at parties. This, according to Wikipedia, is "the start of the golden age of Swedish silent film." It's good, featuring great landscape and waterscapes typical of Sjostrom's best work. I liked the character so much that I talked about this movie the next day with my 7th grade students. They didn't give a shit.

As good as this movie is, it certainly has some ugly poster choices. Which is worse--the one above or this thing?

I should have watched this during my famous "Man" movie streak! I like to bring that up whenever possible because it's the only thing I really have to be proud of with this movie blog. I certainly can't be proud of doing this for more years than I've had readers. That should probably be a source of great shame actually.

Haunted Honeymoon

1986 comedy

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Read the title.

This film that killed Gilda Radner isn't funny, and I don't know why I made it to the end of it. I guess I was in the mood to hear Gene Wilder screaming about something, but he seems really tired here, as if directing and acting at the same time took too much out of him. Tommy Wiseau seems to have no problem doing it though.

When I saw that this movie was the next one that I had to write about, I very nearly decided to delete the blog and toss my laptop into the backyard. Like Sisyphus and his stupid rock, I just can't stop doing this. I'm exactly like a Sisyphus who is uncomfortably aroused at the sight of Dom DeLuise in a dress.

This is a comedy that I didn't even consider laughing at. It really put me in a gloomy mood and ruined an entire Saturday. I watched it because it was on television, and I was interested in the commercials.

3-Iron

2004 South Korean drama

Rating: 16/20

Plot: An abused wife is whisked away by a young man who enjoys breaking in people's houses and doing the laundry.

Ki-duk Kim--director of Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter. . .and Spring and Moebius--is quickly becoming a new favorite director. And if you want to see examples of what this blog looked like when the author gave a shit, you can click on those links and read other entries.

Kim's pacing and tone give this a unique--although very Asian--feel. There's a mystique that I wouldn't imagine is easy to manufacture. It's aided by dreamy cinematography and a lack of dialogue. In fact, the romantic leads don't say a single word to each other. Still, their connection feels very real. Actually, it might be authentic and moving because the superficiality of language doesn't get in the way. The final third of the film adds mysticism to the poetics; it almost becomes a romantic ghost story.

As with Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter. . .and Spring, I feel like I need a stronger grasp on Buddhism to fully appreciate this movie.

Silent Saturday: The Penalty

1920 drama

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Lon Chaney's got no legs.

A dopey ending attempting to over-explain the main character's motivations nearly sunk this intriguing story with yet another impressive Chaney performance. He was the Daniel Day-Lewis of the 1920s, and in this movie, he actually had his legs surgically removed in order to take on the role.

I think I'd rather chop off my legs than write another blog entry. I've become extremely depressed.

My Life as a Zucchini

2016 French cartoon

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Zucchini makes friends at an orphanage.

These are some weird-looking children. I figured this would be right up my alley since it's both French and stop-animated, but although it's charming enough, I didn't really love it.

Nick Offerman's in this one, too. The guy's becoming ubiquitous.

The depiction of bullying didn't really work, and a lot of the sentimentality in this felt a little forced.

I think Emma watched this one with me, but I don't remember if she gave it a rating. It was years ago, back when she was a young adult. Now she's a middle-aged woman living with her cats.

Silent Saturday: The Wind

1928 drama

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A pretty girl gets her hair messed up.

How am I supposed to remember the intricate details of plots to movies that I saw over a month ago? Why are you people expecting me to write anything coherently here? I watch slightly more movies than the average person, and all the plots just sort of run together, especially if I try to cram weeks of movies into a stream of blog entries in one afternoon like I'm trying to do today. So if you want anything insightful, you should go somewhere else and just leave me alone.

I think I watched this because it was Lillian Gish's birthday. If she were alive today, she'd be around 125 years old, and I'd still probably want to have a sexual encounter with her.

The Founder

2017 drama

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Ray Kroc steals ideas from a pair of brothers and then builds an empire that likely kills millions around the world every year.

This very safe, breezy drama is worth watching though it's a bit generic. Michael Keaton brings his Cal Ripken eyebrows. They're villainous eyebrows which must be why he's being cast as a villain more and more. Here, he's a more effective villain than in the recent Spider-man movie because his eyebrows are more fervent.

My main gripe with this would probably be that there's no impact to the drama. It's hard to take actors like Nick Offerman and John Carroll Lynch seriously even though I liked them both. The whole thing's just a little too light. There's almost some exploration of McDonalds as some sort of new American church with juxtapositions of cross, flag, and golden arches shots, but Keaton's Kroc never really becomes the cult leader he could have been in this.

I did enjoy watching hamburgers being made rapidly, the crazy burger ballet. I wish I had been a live when fast food was made by people who look somewhat clean. I would have bumped this up a point if it included a scene where cows and/or chickens were being slaughtered.

Bad Movie Club: Things

1989 Canadian horror movie

Bad Movie Rating: 5/5 (Johnny: 3/5; Josh: 4/5)

Rating: 2/20

Plot: Fertility experiments result in things, the Canadian equivalent of monsters.

My only hope with this movie is that lots of people rented it because porn star Amber Lynn "acts" in it and then had to endure the opening dream sequence scene. At least her fans are able to discover that she can almost read, so that's something.

I'd wanted to watch this "infamous abomination"  with the Bad Movie Club Jockasses for a while now, and it was certainly worth the wait. Andrew Jordan got his one shot at writing and directing a horror masterpiece, and he delivered a giant piece of cinematic defecate with Things. Poorly dubbed and even more poorly written, it kind of festers and stumbles, completely unclear about where it wants to go and winding up going nowhere. The performances are exactly what you'd expect with a pair of goons named Barry J. Gillis (who was in the Bee Gees) and Bruce Roach leading the way. However, it's baffling performance by Jan W. Pachul, unfortunately with his only film credit, who pops in at the end as a doctor who steals the show.

This ends with the words "You have just experienced Things," almost like the movie is making fun of us for getting to the end. "Ha ha," says the movie, "you actually sat through this trainwreck!"

Bob Roberts

1992 satirical comedy

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A right-winger folk singer runs for congress.

This sure was prescient, and that really depressed me.

Congratulations to Tim Robbins who manages to be about the most punchable movie character in history in this movie. He wrote and directed and starred in this thing, and he did the music with his brother David Robbins.

Dig Two Graves

2014 movie that I apparently watched

Rating: 10/20

Plot: A young girl befriends three guys with great tastes in hats as she tries to get over her brother's tragic death.

You'd better dig a third grave and put this movie in it. Hi-yo!

Ted Levine's performance almost makes this watchable.

I came to the old blog here because I felt like the universe wanted me to, but now I'm not so sure. Most of me thinks that writing blog entries about movies I can't remember at 2:35 in the morning is a terrible idea, but there's a part of me--my fingers mostly--that thinks it's exactly what I should be doing. I'm listening to Tom Waits' Bone Machine, an album that has been a part of me for 25 years now. My relationship with this album is almost sexual, and I love the thing more than even my cat.

I realize there's a misplaced modifier up there, but I'm too lazy to fix that. I'm writing at 2:35 in the morning, not not remembering things at 2:35 in the morning. I know that, you know that, and if you point it out, you're an asshole just kicking a guy when he's down.

So dig a fourth grave and put yourself inside it. Hi-yo!

Wool 100%

2006 Japanese movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Two sisters collect junk and sketch pictures, but their lives are interrupted by a girl who screams about having to knit.

It's been something like a month and a half since I wrote anything on here, but I've seen a lot of movies. This one is the exact sort of quirky thing I usually end up liking a lot more than anybody I know. The soundtrack's got more tuba than most people could tolerate, and it was likely that, along with the ear-piercing screams of the intruder, that annoyed my wife. She refused to watch the movie but was in close proximity the entire time, and commented more than once. I think I may have given the movie a bonus point because of that.

I like the allegorical flavor, almost like a clumsy fairy tale. I'm not exactly sure what it was I was supposed to get from the experience, only some vague feminist themes, but I did enjoy it very much. The highlight was an unexpected and breathtaking animated sequence that I had to rewind and watch twice.

Do you rewind a dvd? Is it still called that or is there another word for it? When I last did a blog entry, dvd's were still in their infancy, so I'm not down with the lingo.