2013 Year in Review Part II

Best Documentary: I watched three featuring animals that were all really good--Cane Toads: An Unnatural History, The Natural History of the Chicken, and Animals Are Beautiful People. Cory recommended the great Errol Morris movie featuring Robert S. McNamara, Fog of War, disappointing because it didn’t have a single toad-on-toad sex scene, any yodeling or chicken impressions, or drunk animals like those other three. Room 237 dazzled me with its collection of strange ideas about The Shining, and Beauty Is Embarrassing was a great look at an artistic oddball, my favorite kind of artist. But I’m a chess guy, so the incredible Bobby Fischer vs. the World wins it. But seriously, those cane toads were pretty awesome.

Best Musical: Peter Jackson’s Meet the Feebles has perverse puppetry, and in any other year might be hard to beat. And the homoerotic Can’t Stop the Music could get the prize except it’s more of a biopic with some interrupting Village People music videos. The big Bollywood production Enthiran is maybe the best sci-fi musical I’ll ever see and makes me giddy just thinking about it, but it’s also more in that music-video-interrupting-mayhem category. The best musical is Troma’s Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead. A warning though: If you’re looking for a musical to watch because you liked West Side Story or The Music Man, this might not be for you.

Best Song: “Friends Forever” from Miami Connection. There can be no second place.

Most Memorable Montage: There’s an Eddie Money song used behind some random nonsense in Stallone’s arm-wrestling epic Over the Top. There’s only one thing I can think of that’s worse than that montage--one used later in that movie with a terrible song by Frank Stallone, a guy who I’m going to assume is related to Sylvester Stallone. Speaking of Stallone, Cobra has a nifty montage of images with Sly and his partner interrogating street thugs, a cult slapping axes together, and Brigitte Nelson posing for pictures with robots. That’s something. There’s only one montage that can win this though--”YMCA” in Can’t Stop the Music which managed to make me want to invent a time machine so I could travel to the late-70s and wear really short shorts, exercise more, and have sexual intercourse with a man.

Biggest Movie Badass: So easy! In a year where I watched Arnold Schwarzenneger, Sylvester Stallone, and Joe Piscopo movies, there’s still only one badass who can be the biggest badass and that badass is Jon Mikl Thor for his badassery in the fantastic Rock and Roll Nightmare. I mean, let’s see Sylvester Stallone battle Satan and come out of it alive.

Something I Claimed I Was Going to Start Doing but Forgot All About: Say “Come on, God damn it!” every time I step in an elevator and push the buttons like Weaver does in Aliens.

Best Stunt: 2’9” Weng Weng’s leap over a chasm on a pocket rocket in The Incredible Kid of Kung Fu! You can’t end that sentence fragment without an exclamation mark.

Sexiest Moment Not Involving Actual Sex: That 20-foot-tall Sophia Loren in Chicken with Plums was a sight to behold, but when Anna Karina looked straight at me and winked in A Woman Is a Woman, that was the best--and I mean the absolute best--moment of my entire life.

Best Comments I Received All Year:

“I find this review pretentious and sad.” (anonymous, for my write-up of A Nightmare on Elm Street)

“A female telephone repairman? That’s not a thing.” (my brother)

“You were going to cry? What?” (my wife, making me feel bad for my feelings while watching Life of Pi)

“Maybe Bin Laden watches this for laughs in a cave under the grassy knoll.” (Cory, describing Zero Dark Thirty)

“Lew Zealand should not be above Swedish Chef.” (Cory again, showing that we all have a little too much time on our hands)

“You’ve officially surpassed Roger Ebert in my estimation of film critics.” (Matt, and all I had to do was write about Cane Toads: An Unnatural History)

“When the hell did you start identifying with guys who are older than our parents?” (Barry, in a question to Cory about The Bucket List)

Best Animated Movie: Not a strong year with animated movies for me. I didn’t watch very many, and ParaNorman and Wreck-It Ralph were only as good as Starchaser: The Legend of Orin which we watched for Bad Movie Club. The aforementioned Dead Leaves had a penis drill but wasn’t even really long enough to be considered a full-length movie. Monsters University was really good but not great. So I’m going with Jan Svankmajer’s Surviving Life (Theory and Practice) which is a mix of animation and live action. It’s kind of cheating, but Jan Svankmajer deserves to win an award.

Best Svankmajer Moment Not in a Svankmajer Movie: Animated meat in John Dies at the End, the best part of that movie.

Best Silent Movie: I didn’t watch a lot of those either! The best was the stunner Sunset although I did enjoy Harry Langdon’s The Chaser, a slightly-surreal 1920’s comedy about impotence. I also showed my students Modern Times on our team party day right before break, and they all seemed to love it. They’re not going to admit to it though.

The Shammallammadingdong: Another new award! This one goes to the best (or maybe the dumbest) twist in any movie that I saw all year or, if not the best, then the most Shammallammadingdong-esque. Shriek of the Mutilated is one bad movie, but the twist--which I suspect was just a way to explain why the Yeti looked a lot like a guy in a costume--was pretty terrific. But I’m giving this to a racist’s realization at the end of Abar: The First Black Superman, another bad movie. An absolutely amazing way to end a movie! And no, I’m not going to spoil it. But it was really stupid.

Best Nudity: A photograph of Bobby Fischer’s posterior in the documentary I mentioned earlier.

Speaking of That, Here’s a List of Things That Would Probably Irritate My Wife If She Read My Blog More Closely:

A confession: That I was aroused while watching Yogi Bear

“How hot would it be to date a lizard woman?”

“I find metronomes sexy.”

“Leggy blonds in skimpy denim cut-offs being groped by zombies--that’s a movie I’d want to watch.”

Upon realizing that dwarf actor Arturo Gil was in an Olson Twins movie: “the hottest menage-a-trois I’ve ever imagined”

The words “the perfect amount of skank”

“I’d take the risk for a chance to have Eva Marie Saint fondle the back of my head.”

My claim that I’m allowed to lust after movie nuns

The fact that I still give movies Winona Ryder bonus points and frequently make Freudian typos and call them “boner” points

Calling a shot of Kim Flowers the best shot in the entire Alien franchise

“I’d like to invite Anna Karina to every one of my dreams.”

My admittance that Gordon Liu is my celebrity crush.

2013 Year in Review Part I

Let’s start with some statistics! I fell short of the year 365 movie goal, but I only missed it by 125 if we’re only counting movies that I was able to finish.

The most common rating: I gave 39 movies a 15/20.

The least common rating: In a year when I watched a ton of bad movies, I only had a pair of 1/20s and 2/20s. And one of the 1/20s was a repeat.

As expected with the amount of bad movies I normally subject myself to along with the addition of a weekly Bad Movie Club viewing, the average rating dipped a little. I averaged a 12.47, an all-time low for a year. Last year, I was nearly a full point above this. The previous record low was 12.6.

Now, on to the awards!

The Billy Curtis (Outstanding Performance by a Little Person): Before glancing back at my year, I was a little worried about this, the most prestigious shane-movies award. I couldn’t remember many little people performances this year. Turns out there were a ton, and a ton of little people, as you might expect, is a lot of little people.

Billy Curtis turned up in Little Cigars, all 4’2” of him. He’s angry and engages in little fisticuffs throughout the movie, but the character is so mean-spirited and there’s a distracting number of other little people. Angelo Rossitto almost outshines him in that movie with just a single line, and Jerry Maren, Felix Silla, Emory Souza, Frank Delfino, and especially Buddy Douglas are also great in the movie.

Bridget “The Midget” Powers makes a run at the first female Billy Curtis award winner with her work in the awful Insane Clown Posse Western, Big Money Rustlas. Mireille Mosse tops her (“Goodbye, Grasshopper”) with her creepy work in City of Lost Children though, and if I had to go with a sentimental favorite, she’d win.

Peter Bark gave a nightmare-inducing performance as a child in the Italian zombie movie, Burial Ground, a movie where his character fondles his mother’s breasts. That’s an amazing performance! Billy Barty, who actually won a Razzie for the role, plays Hitler in Under the Rainbow, and Cork Hubbert shines as the hero of that film. And former-winner Weng Weng was once again incredible as the titular Impossible Kid of Kung-fu.

They’re all little winners in my heart, but the award goes to the great Helmut Doring from Herzog’s Even Dwarfs Started Small. The final scene of that movie where Doring laughs at a defecating camel is enough to win him some kind of lifetime Billy Curtis award, but add to it the extended scene where he’s trying to climb onto a bed and the amount of insane laughter in this, and there’s just no way he couldn’t win. Congratulations, Helmut Doring!

Best Shirley Temple Reference: A tie! The wild Shaye and Kiki: Fun Bubble made me laugh with Shirley Temple 2000 while Crispin Glover aligned her with Nazis in What Is It?

Best Voice Acting: The legendary Fred Welker could almost have this award named after him and was great as the monstrous alien thing in TerrorVision, but if I’ve watched 2001: A Space Odyssey, I’m afraid the award will have to go to Douglas Rain as the voice of H.A.L. And Cory is still looking for a H.A.L. ringtone, so somebody make that happen.

The E.T.: This is the first of a few new awards I’m giving this year. This one goes to the movie that had the most remarkable use of product placement, and the first winner is Mac and Me for teaching me that Coca Cola can have healing powers and that McDonalds is a great place to breakdance if you’re wearing a poorly-made bear costume. Skittles, Volkswagon, and Sears also got their brands in there.

Movie that Most Needed a Tripod: Hunger Games

Best Sound Effect: The gunshot at the end of The French Connection.

Worst Remake: Easily the completely useless and entirely derivative Evil Dead.

Worst Sequel: Hangover III, and I really didn’t like the others enough to watch it but for some reason did.

Let me take a break to justify the amount of time I spend with movies. Some people might think that it’s all a complete waste of time, but I learn a ton of stuff from watching movies. Here’s a brief list of things I learned in 2013:

Bob Clark directed two awesome Christmas movies.

Dominique Pinon couldn’t remember “Easter Bunny” for that Alien sequel and kept saying “English Bunny,” a problem that caused the line to be changed to “Who were you expecting--Santa Claus?” That must mean that the French don’t have the Easter Bunny. Bunch of heathens.

The KKK started in Indiana. Only it didn’t, and Spike Lee is an idiot.

There is a guy named Hark-On Fung.

Ben Affleck might be Mexican.

If you ever go to Mars, you’ll probably need to bring a raft. And you’ll want to wear your loafers.

Speaking of Mars, Martians gave up neckties long before humans did.

The Ten Commandments movie unfolds in real time like a season of 24. I’m actually still watching it.

PCP is bad for you.

Guns in 1858 made people explode.

Best Monster: The monoliths in The Monolith Monsters, a movie recommended by Barry, were interesting. I loved the titular Crab Monsters in that Corman classic, the hulking decapitated meat monster which was the best part of Dead Heat except for Vincent Price’s appearance, the big-headed Saucer Men in Invasion of the Saucer Men, the huge big thing in the redundantly-titled The Giant Behemoth, scores of monsters--including some familiar rubber suits--in Destroy All Monsters, and the turtle-like Silicates in Isle of Terror. But that Brainiac in the Mexican movie named after it is about the most ridiculous, and therefore one of the best, things I’ve ever seen.

Best Penis Reference: The anime Dead Leaves had a guy with a penis drill which might sound hard to beat, but Russell Crowe actually refers to his character’s member as a “baby’s arm” in The Man with the Iron Fist. A close second would be what Matthew McKonnahey does with a chicken finger in Killer Joe.

Why I Misspelled Matthew McConaughey’s Name in That Last Award: I’ve obviously just given up.

Best Sports Moment: I like the comedies Major League and Slap Shot which I both saw this year, but I also saw Christopher Walken play pool in Poolhall Junkies, so that wins.

Guiltiest Pleasure: I’m not sure I feel guilty about anything I like, and that’s the way life should be. Still, Russ Meyers’ Supervixens.

Man of Steel

2013 superhero movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Kind of a cross between the 1978 Superman story with Christopher Reeve and the sequel with Terence Stamp.

My mother-in-law is apparently a huge fan of this movie. She couldn't stop talking about it, and I finally figured out that she's got a thing for either Henry Cavill or Amy Adams or perhaps both. I'm not sure what movie she watched because the one I watched was really boring. And it might be all because of the Superman of my childhood and the expectations that come from those movies. Henry Cavill does make a decent Superman. He's got the body for it, and he really looks like Christopher Reeve in a few scenes. I think I remember reading how they used computer trickery to put Reeve's face in this thing during one scene. Reeve will always be the only Superman for me, so I thought that was a nice touch. Adams is no Margot Kidder, and the character seems to exist only to give this a strong female character and a love interest to get mothers-in-law into the theater. Russell Crowe, Mr. Automatic Distraction, is no Marlon Brando and is in the movie way too much in ways that I couldn't even understand. My regular reader-and-a-half can tell you that my brain has trouble with comic book logic, and I struggled with Superman's dad stuff and most of what was happening with the cool video game visuals on Krypton. There's liquid metal and giant moths and a Superbaby penis and insect people. I kept wondering where the ice was at. And Michael Shannon and his pals duplicate the flatness of Stamp and Sarah Douglas's Zod and Ursa, but it doesn't work. "Release the world engine!" No, this Zod is wack, boring.

This has about everything you'd expect a 2013 version of Superman, one that is slightly better than the 2006 reboot. You've got a lot of camera shakiness, computer-generated action sequences that are difficult to follow, and special effects that aren't nearly as good as they think they are. Check out that giant oil thing exploding in the ocean or a scene when a car is thrown into a house for evidence of that. But here's what you might not expect: Superman doesn't even do anything Supermanny for about 90 minutes. Sure, it takes Christopher Reeve a while in the 1978 movie to get to that phone booth and the scene where he saves Lois Lane after the helicopter accident, but that payoff makes it worth it. When Cavill gets to do something Supermanny--again, saving Lois Lane from falling--it's at the 1 hour and 26 minute mark. And it's boring. Sure he does a few things as a kid or when he's not in the new weird Superman costume, but that's a little like seeing Boba Fett as a little kid in the Star Wars prequels, isn't it? Hell, until that 1 hour and 26 minute mark, Superman actually pukes blood more than he does Supermanny things. The last 45 minutes or so is almost all action with a lot of fight scenes where the superhero and villains move like they're probably supposed to. They're slammed into the streets and buildings again and again at super-fast speeds, but by that point, I didn't care very much. The Superman as a Christ figure was pushed pretty heavily, too. He strikes a crucifixion pose. He decides to sacrifice himself to save everybody, in front of stained glass, naturally. And this whole thing is happening when he's 33 years old. And I was most annoyed when Superman takes a break from saving the world and defeating the bad guys to make out with Lois Lane. Get a room, guys. And I don't remember any of the Gospels including a scene where Jesus makes out with somebody. Maybe that's in the Mormon Bible.

I'm going to end my movie year focusing on the positive though because that's the kind of optimist I am. This has a good Wilhelm Scream in it. I also liked the exploration of Superboy's struggles growing up with these powers he doesn't understand and can't control. That was part of the effort to Nolan-ize this superhero, make things all moody so that hipsters will take it more seriously. And I liked Russell Crowe's wacky-cool presentation used to explain everything to Superman right before he gets his tights and cape. Of course, I was still distracted by the lack of an ice palace during all that.

I'd probably watch a sequel to this, but it better be better.

Quick question: If the bad guys had succeeded and turned Earth into Krypton, would Superman still have been able to fly around it really fast and reverse the whole thing or does it have to still be Earth in order for that to happen?

Shane's Blog Christmas Extravaganza: Christmas Evil

1980 Christmas movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A kid catches Santa Claus being naughty with his mother. Later, as an adult working in a toy factory, he decides that the world needs a Santa Claus and starts scouting out who is naughty and who is nice. Then, he kills some people.

This, John Waters' favorite Christmas movie, is a pretty interesting film, mostly because of the performance of Brandon Maggart who plays the crazy guy. His descent into madness is just subdued enough and just manic enough to make a story that often has trouble knowing where it's going and is filled with pacing and editing problems work. It's a powerful and nuanced performance, one of those going-nutso characterizations that always threaten to cross the boundary line into silly territory but never does. Sure, he stalks neighborhood kids, really getting annoyed at one young lad's obsession with Penthouse magazines. But you can still somewhat identify with what is going on with this character. And if there's ever a remake, Nicolas Cage should take the part. This has a real what-the-hell ending, and the time frame, especially as the story sort-of winds down, is wacky, but I dug what I perceived to be references to M and appreciate a Christmas comedy that isn't afraid to be this black. I wonder if this is the only movie that has a Santa Claus police line-up? I can definitely see why it appeals to Waters because most normal people would be a little put off by the subversive story and humor. It differs from the earlier Black Christmas because it is very much character driven and not really a slasher movie at all. Maggart's character kills, but it's part of a bigger picture of a guy who has lost his mind and is taking Christmas and the idea of Santa Claus to extremes. There's so much music, mostly avant-tinklings, whirrs, and scrapings. This is imperfect, a little amateurish in places, but I really liked the vibe and even the strange ending. Unfortunately, this was the only movie that Lewis Jackson directed.

Shane's Blog Christmas Extravaganza: Silent Night, Bloody Night

1972 horror movie

Rating: 9/20

Plot: Somebody's trying to sell a house, and people are getting axed to death. Merry Christmas.

The most interesting thing about this is that it was scored by Gershon Kingsley, composer of the maddening classic Moog hit "Popcorn" and 1/2 of the Perrey and Kingsley duo who composed some of that awesome bleepin' and blurpin' electronic music for the Disney Light Parade. The music for this movie is nothing spectacular though. In fact, there's nothing spectacular about this, a movie you'll almost forget you saw right after the credits. It starts promisingly enough, with about five different people providing voice-overs and a guy on fire in the snow. The latter made me say, "Stop, drop, and roll!" at my television. There's a guy who communicates by ringing a bell, some cool camera movements through the house, and some very effective and very bloody ax-chopping with these quick cuts. There are some movies that are atmospheric because they're crafted a certain way. This is atmospheric because of how cheap it is, but it moves so languidly and simply fails to grip. There is some more creepy Christmas music though. This is not recommended for a holiday family Christmas movie night.

Shane's Christmas Extravaganza: We're No Angels

1955 Christmas movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Three cons escape from Devil's Island and take refuge in a shop operated by a trio of Ducotels. They intend to rob the place, but they wind up doing nothing but helping the family out.

Bogart, Ray, and Ustinov are perfect for this script stuffed with irony. I'd almost describe their adventure and rapport with all the straight characters in this thing as Marx-esque, and I thought it was very very funny. It's the sort of black humor that I love in the Ealing movies--Kind Hearts and Coronets, The Ladykillers, etc. The leads sparkle with a chemistry I didn't quite expect, but the supporting players, especially the great Basil Rathbone and Lea Penman, fill in the gaps perfectly. This floats along, often unpredictably, and takes its time getting to any points it has to get to. There's plenty of space to enjoy what's going on, and it's all perfectly charming. I'm not sure about the ending for these characters, the kind of tacked-on thing that I imagine must have been a requirement in 1955, but it doesn't take away from the overall story. I would have preferred something indeterminate though, like a Coen ending. Great performances, some sneaky heart, hilarious dialogue and madcappery, and a whimsical flow make this the kind of Christmas classic that you don't have to watch during the holiday season.

I'm thinking that one of my goals for 2014 should be to see ever Peter Ustinov movie. What do you think?