... and the omelette stinks!
2015 Year in Review: Part Four
Best One-and-Done Performance
Sometimes, an actor or director bursts onto the scene for one magical moment in movies, does his or her thing to perfection, knows that he or she can never ever top the performance, and then is never heard of again. This award is for those people.
Petey Wheatstraw has two such actors, both nominated for other awards. G. Tito Shaw was the devil, and Bryan L. Roquemore delivered some terrible child acting in one of the worst death scenes of all time.
There’s Mavis Washington who does a great job as a female player on an otherwise-male team in Fast Break.
Rima Kutner is The Black Klansman; the aforementioned Charlie the Chimpanzee from Nukie; and Ricky Roach, the “first lover” in Black Devil Doll from Hell; and George Barry from Death Bed: The Bed That Eats.
The Creeping Terror was, for reasons that I don’t think can be explained, Vic Savage’s only venture into filmmaking.
The saddest case might be Gareth Carrivick who directed the delightful FAQ About Time Travel, his only movie before his death.
This award’s going to another sad case though. Mike Jittlov, the guy from The Wizard of Speed and Time, should have gotten more opportunities to let his light shine. Hollywood needs that kind of creativity.
Best Cameo
Director Andy Sidaris as a pervy and sleazy RV driver in Malibu Express and Jay Jackson, Perd Hapley in Fast Five were both good.
Got to give it to my main man Buster Keaton for his too-brief appearance in It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World.
The Tootie (Most Offensive Child Acting)
Vidal Peterson, Simon in Wizards of the Lost World; Bryan L. Roquemore, Larry, a kid who gets an incredibly bad death scene in Petey Wheatstraw; Brandon Angle in his only role as Stevie in Hollywood Cop; Major Dodson, Nic Cage’s mentally-challenged son in Left Behind; Natasha Ryan, Jenny in The Day Time Ended; Chris O’Neil or Rhiannon Leigh Wryn, both terrible in The Last Mimzy; Kerry MacLane, from Johnny Got His Gun.
All bad performances, but the most painful child acting goes to the entire cast of Not Just Another Christmas Movie. It’s quite possible the worst ensemble cast I’ve ever seen, so they’ll have to share this year’s Tootie.
The “You’re No Chuck Norris” Award (Worst Action Hero)
James Mitchum could almost have this award named after him. Bad Movie Clubbers enjoyed watching him get his action hero on in Raiders of the Magic Ivory this year.
Mithun Chakraborty, the guy who plays Shankar, our hero from Gunda, is like a mash-up of Indian Elvis or Indian Jeff Goldblum. How’s he not winning this?
David Goss, who plays “Turkey” in Hollywood Cop, has no business being seen in a film doing anything actiony.
Peter Hodgins is “Fantasy Man,” a superhero character in one of the ABC’s of Death shorts.
And Ramon Revilla, demon-clad and dumpy, makes a ridiculous-looking hero in The Killing of Satan.
But if you see Road to Revenge, you know why it’s John De Hart who’s taking the “You’re No Chuck Norris” Award this year. It’s an action performance that makes you embarrassed for the guy. Of course, he does sing that “Shimmy Slide” song which would be enough to make Chuck Norris shit himself.
Speaking of Shit--The Best Movie Moment Featuring Fecal Matter and/or Piss
The golden shower in Jodorowsky’s Dance of Reality wins because the urine contained healing powers and was therefore uplifting. However, a close second would have to be where a guy takes a dump on another guy’s windshield in an act of road rage in. And a far distant third would be any of the numerous poop jokes in the dreadful Vacation.
Best Depiction of a Mentally-Challenged Character
Devon Graye in 13 Sins, a deliriously bad acting performance. You just have to love a performance that is so bad that it winds up becoming politically incorrect.
Best Villain
It might seem impossible to beat out Klaus Kinski from Timestalkers or Jon Voight from Karate Dog, but there’s only one villain I know with a bitchin’ mustache and a weird habit of drawing out the words at the ends of his sentences, so it’s my new favorite actor Mukesh Rishi from Gunda who wins this awaaaaaaaaaard. (Nobody will get this. Why do I keep doing this kind of shit?)
Things I Learned from Movies This Year
Ice cream cones are gay.
The future will contain comically-large eyebrows.
What happens to a man when semen gets backed up and goes into the brain.
You can drive from Vietnam to Miami by truck.
All sorts of things about the KKK from The Black Klansman
You’ll get 14,200 results from Googling “Bill Paxton douche bag.”
An ATM can’t malfunction and shower people with cash--the only unrealistic part of the entire Fast and the Furious franchise.
So much from Jodorowsky’s Dune
The Confederacy would have won the war if Lee had had a motorcycle.
Frequence has the movie record for most shots of things falling in slow motion (97).
Just about everybody who works at the post office is an alien.
The word “fuck” was around in 1000 AD.
Smurfs are asexual.
Alec Baldwin has two natural states--one where he’s about to burst into laughter and one where he’s angry.
Lollapalooza’s still around.
Best Movie Insults
Coon ass prick
Cocksuckers, but only when Jack Nicholson says it in his Jimmy Hoffa voice
Diseased rhinoceros pizzle
Supercrotch
Polyester puppet
Duck fuckers!
A dwarf reaching for the moon
A bunch of retards I wouldn’t trust with a potato gun
Nerfbags
Scuzz bucket
You wooden-headed bastard
Freak peckerheads
Dick juicer
Saucy, sheep-biting flat-mouthed dewberry
Daintish beetle-headed foot-licker
My Greatest Ideas or Claims
There’s got to be a “codpiece rule” in every contract Malcolm McDowell signs.
Thrual should be a word.
I should have won a Pulitzer for my Teen Wolf review.
Harold Lloyd and Josephine the Monkey likely had sexual relations.
My blog is my legacy and will keep me from being forgotten for a long time.
Seeing Paddington in the theater would have likely gotten me arrested for “Pee Wee Herman atrocities.”
The John Wick sequel will likely be a remake of A Boy and His Dog.
Fred Savage and Joey Cramer are the same person.
Ron Perlman’s had a prosthetic head in every movie he’s ever been in.
Disney people are a bunch of pussies for not showing mangled feet and blood smearing the glass slippers.
Roger Waters owes me an apology.
What was the first cinematic fart joke? (Note: I researched. Blazing Saddles is credited, but Cold Turkey apparently beat it by three years.)
Sea Monkeys: The Movie
The Hairy Hands of Orlac
Either Eddie Murphy or Arsenio Hall should play me in a movie about trivia night at a bar.
Saving Mrs. Banks is a movie about somebody trying to help Glynis Jones get out of Nukie.
Sam Elliott on a tauntaun would have saved Gettysburg.
The Island of Dr. Moreau 2: Look at Him!
Somewhere in Time 2, a sequel where a guy travels back in time with two suits to one-up Christopher Reeve’s character
Secretary 2: Age of Ultron
Unanswered Question
RE: Medicine cabinets--do people really snoop in medicine cabinets in real life or does it just happen in movies?
Best Nudity
Naked wine stomping in Seconds, just loads of hippie boobs
Brigitte Bardot, although strangely underwhelming in Don Juan If Don Juan Was a Woman. But come on. It’s Brigitte Bardot.
Two women standing awkwardly with covered breasts in I Am Here….Now.
Katherine Waterston in Inherent Vice.
Alicia Vikander’s reverse stripping in Ex Machina
Dianna Lund’s tubby time in Elves
If you couldn’t have predicted that Scarlett Johansson was going to win this for what she did in Under the Skin, you just don’t know my boner very well. It’s quite possibly my favorite nude scene ever.
Worst Nudity
The random naked cowboy guy in Fatal Deviation, an Irish kung-fu movie might ordinarily win, but this one belongs to Judge Reinhold’s ass, in Zandalee memorable to me only because of an IMDB user’s rant about it on the message board. “You seriously can’t see anything wrong with his ass? It’s like not there. His legs just go into his back with some kind of separation. I’m surprised he can walk. Excellent screen shots though. They will allow for others to weigh in on the subject. Thanks.” [Note: Capitalization and punctuation partially mine.]
Best Masturbation Scene
We’re still doing this one? Yes? Ok, if you say so. . .
There were so many good ones this year!
4 guys and 1 pizza to “The Blue Danube Waltz” in Wetlands
Laurence R. Harvey in a post-credits scene for the ABC’s of Death sequel. “How am I going to wank to that?”
The mom vibrator scene in The Babadook
George Lucas’s personal masturbation machine used in THX 1138
Joan Allen, cinematically safely pleasuring herself as Betty Parker in Pleasantville, made better with an explosive tree bonus
Kevin Spacey--twice! Once, dejectedly, in the shower. Another time while lying next to his wife. We’ve all been there, Kevin Spacey. We’ve definitely all been there.
The Wank Award is going to Bitchy the Wookiee with the Holographic Wow in the Star Wars Holiday Special. C3PO probably said it best: “Let the Wookiee masturbation win.”
Best Sex Scene
Another almost impossible one to award because there are so many stellar candidates!
There’s the operatic sounds of ecstasy in Jodorowsky’s Dance of Reality, William Hickey in The Telephone Book, catfish cunnilingus in Uncle Boonmee Can Recall His Past Lives, net sex in Hanzo the Razor: Sword of Justice, hot animal cracker foreplay in Armageddon, a dog and a stuffed duck going at it in Click, John Leguizamo making a sandwich in Chef, Tim Robbins with a ridiculous wig doing the deed in High Fidelity, the fake old people having their way with trash cans in Trash Humpers, the nurse hand-job in Johnny Got His Gun, and the caveman sex scene (with exploding birds, naturally) in Birdemic 2.
Our winner?
There’s no way it can’t be Black Devil Doll from Hell.
Best Penis
Hanzo the Razor leaves a penis impression in wood in one of the weirdest training sequences you’ll ever see in a movie, Brolin going at a banana treat confection in Inherent Vice is penis enough for most people, and Malcolm McDowell actually talks to his in Get Crazy. But I’m going to have to give this award to Roger Daltry’s 10-foot erection in Lisztomania.
Things That I Wrote That Would Annoy My Wife If She Read My Blog
My continued infatuation with Scarlett Johansson
Francoise Dorleac and her sex aloofness in Cul-De-Sac
My desire to try net sex like in Hanzo
The description of Nicole Kidman as statuesque and stunning as a villain in Paddington
That I made love to a movie
Joanna Newsom and how I fell in love with her because of her narration in Inherent Vice
That I said she was an Adam Sandler fan
Infatuation with Belinda Bauer
I would sleep with Kris Krisofferson if he came over and asked just because of his work in Convoy
I fell in love with Rachel McAdams’ character in About Time at the same time the character did
That I have a thing for Catherine Zeta-Jones
I masturbated during Battlefield Earth.
I might have gotten a little turned on when Godzilla teabagged Gigan and Spiky Guy and Ghidorah were necking
Infatuation with Carrie Fisher
More Rachel McAdams--this time, a mention of her posterior
The news that I would be willing to have sex with a robot
Katie Aselton’s voice in a phone call is arousing.
That I watched that Naked Fear movie only because I knew it would be about a woman running around outside naked
That she reminds me of Anita Fellenberg but only because she plays a character who never gets out of bed
My desire to see Evangeline Lilly in a tight superheroine costume
My desire to see a Don Knotts/Buddy Hackett sex scene
Wishing I could do nothing but dance in my house with an 83-year-old Barrie Chase
Being upset over not seeing Elizabeth Banks’ backside in the tight pants she wore in Love and Mercy
Nicole Kidman fawning during Eyes Wide Shut...actually, a great deal of Eyes Wide Shut actually
I’d be interested in having sex with a woman just because her last name was Pickles.
The obsession with Rebecca Ferguson’s legs
I love my wife very much.
2015 Year in Review: Part Three
Best Movie Monster
A woman’s head with dangling entrails controlled by a witch in Mystics in Bali?
Guilala, the X from Outer Space?
That Babadook with that top hat of his?
The dolls in Dolls?
The stop-motion dinosaur things in The Day Time Ended?
Worst Movie Monster
I’m putting both Godzilla and Spiky Guy here from Godzilla vs. Gigan because they talked. Like, with actual human speech. Talking. Godzilla and another monster. TALKING!
The monster in Beach Girls and the Monster
The Predator rip-off in Aliens vs. Avatars
The claymation demon thing in Night Train to Terror
The turkey-headed Blood Freak
The ridiculous-looking elf in Elves
Those are some lousy movie monsters. The one that tops them all, however, is the Creeping Terror’s walking human-devouring carpet.
Most Special Special Effects
Again, that woman’s head with the dangling intestines thing in Mystics in Bali. Pretty much everything that happens in Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is bad enough to make a guy notice. A guy cutting off his leg in Tusk. All that fun stop-motion animation in The Wizard of Speed and Time. Black Devil Doll from Hell’s clever use of a child to show the doll walking. Dummies ziplining in Godzilla vs. Gigan. An unfortunate guy getting his arm ripped off in Aliens vs. Avatars. A Tanzanian beetle landing on a fake hand in Night Train to Terror. The jellyfish CGI in Birdemic 2, something that made the birds look halfway decent. Jurassic Shark’s CGI. Breen’s floating jism in Fateful Findings. An awful-looking dragon thing in Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, or really any of the effects in that movie. Ghosts in the cave in Holy Flame of the Martial World. Those skeleton hands after the Death Bed has partially eaten an unfortunate character in Death Bed: The Bed That Eats.
All good. Or bad. Or a combination of good and bad. But the winner’s obvious--a fake baby in American Sniper which makes me laugh just thinking about it. I can’t believe that was left in a movie that was so critically acclaimed. Let's watch it again!
Best Action Sequence
The Benny Hill effects and jowl-shaking in Petey Wheatstraw after the character’s back seat and one tire are stolen from his car would make Bruce Lee lose sleep. The Raid and Mad Max: Fury Road are two movies that are like giant action scenes, but the scene with the hatchet guys in the former really stands out. Godzilla and Spiky Guy put on a good show against Gigan and Ghidorah. There’s a fun car chase scene in THX 1138. I watched every 5/7ths of the Fast and the Furious franchise this year, and any number of scenes in that could win, especially ones involving a safe drug through city streets, an out-of-control tank, a car leaping from one skyscraper to another, or a gas heist that somehow works in a lizard. There’s Keaton’s flight in Birdman, Frankenstein guy vs. the good guys in Holy Flame of the Martial World, and Silky in Dr. Black and Mr. Hyde pulling a switchblade on a car about to pin him against a wall for a second time. There’s Animal’s death in Hollywood Cop, a crotch shot, etc.
The winner is Gunda! And that’s for pretty much any of the scenes in Gunda, but especially notable is a climactic fight scene featuring both a baby and a monkey.
Worst Action Sequence
There’s loads of stuff from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, physics-defying moments and just general silliness, that could win an award like this. But there’s also Jeff Daniels punching a woman in Timescape, a fight sequence between the lady cop and the bald guy in Thunderstorm, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles truck-tumbling-down-a-mountain stupidity, and the improbability of Jurassic Shark’s flip and chomp at the end of that movie.
The worst action sequence though, one that makes me giggle just thinking about it, is at the end of Karate Dog, the Matrix-style battle complete with wire-fu nonsense between Jon Voight and a dog voiced by Chevy Chase. It’s the kind of scene that motion pictures were created to share with us.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXYk3HBrqZE (This is totally worth watching.)
Best Ending (Probably Spoilers)
Enemy’s what-the-fuck spider moment
Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry’s train
Birdman, with a smile at the sky, so ambiguously wonderful
Caesar’s eyes in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Jurassic Shark ambitiously setting up a sequel
The cat in The Uninvited attacking a lifeboat twice (“Ahhh! It’s not over yet! Ahhh!”)
The freak-out montage of I Can See You
They’re all good, but I’m going with that drum solo in Whiplash. That editing!
The Lew Zealand (Best Puppet)
Mr. Bonetangles from Chef, the demon cat in The Uninvited, the ventriloquist dummy treated just like a normal human being in Blood Diner, or the beach monster puppet in a beach party scene during The Beach Girls and the Monster?
None of those puppets is beating the rapin’ and cursin’ troublemaker from Black Devil Doll from Hell!
Best Prop
The nominees:
A Big Chug “Eh” Lug cup in Tusk
A bell in Hollywood Cop
Thor’s hammer in Thunderstorm (not the Avengers movies though)
Neil Breen’s black cube in Fateful Findings
The guy’s polka-dotted gun in Dillinger Is Dead
Neil Breen’s can of tuna in Double Down
The winner is. . . .well, I wouldn’t have used four dots in my ellipses if it wasn’t Neil Breen! Neil Breen’s can of tuna wins!
There were lots in that Five Kids of Kung-fu movie which is good because even though not everybody speaks the same verbal language, we can all understand and appreciate the language of flatulence. But the winner is Adam Sandler farting on David Hassellhoff after freezing time in Click. I guess. I don’t know. I just got really depressed.
Best Death Scene
Somebody dies by swirly in Satan’s Sadists.
A guy gets himself electrocuted by an electric robot in a wild scene from Night Train to Terror.
Every single time a person was eaten by the monster from The Creeping Terror is pretty awesome.
Deanna Lund’s bathtub electrocution in Elves with that ridiculous oozey elf looking on.
And there’s a girl’s touching Christmas death in C Me Dance, a scene that somehow makes leukemia funny.
Any other year, Bryan L. Roquemore, a Tootie nominee, would win for making me laugh during the death of a child in Petey Wheatstraw.
But this one’s going to a scene that makes me laugh every single time I think about it. This scene, which I’ve watched more than any other scene this year and that includes certain scenes with Scarlett Johansson, set the bar pretty high. Once more, Neil Breen wins with the (should-be-famous) pool scene in Double Down. My God, that’s brilliant!
The granola bar scene in The Butterfly Effect, another scene that makes me laugh every single time I think about it
Best Poster
The Telephone Book
Raiders of the Magic Ivory
Birdman
Left Behind
Beach Girls and the Monster, one they didn’t even bother to finish coloring
Kung Fury
Timescape
Army of Darkness
Uninvited [Click here for a bunch more.]
Astro-Zombies
Love and Mercy
So, which one of those would you pick to win? It's Astro-Zombies for me. It's a classic!
Best Devil
The Satan in The Killing of Satan was great, Tony Giorgio in Night Train to Terror was an interesting take on the devil, and Pierre Palau from La Main du Diable is really good. But the best devil of the year was G. Tito Shaw, Lucipher in Petey Wheatstraw.
Best Prayer
I like Owen Wilson’s character’s prayer in Armageddon, but the guy at the blues man’s funeral in Get Crazy (a funeral attended by only blind people) beats it. “God, this is my man, and you better take care of him or I’m gonna wax your ass.”
Best Car
Again, I’d like to point out that I watched 5 Fast and Furious movies this year. My favorite car in all of those was Twinkie’s in Tokyo Drift. So that wins.
Best Food-Related Moment
The pair of troublesome picnics in Fatal Deviation, an Irish kung-fu movie; the almost pornish glimpses of food preparation in Chef, the kung-fu shenanigans in God of Cookery?
Nope--I’m going with Neil Breen spilling tuna in his lap because that’s a scene that deserves to win multiple awards.
Worst Sidekick
Karg, from Masters of the Universe.
Best Scene Featuring Coughing
The narrator (and co-writer/director Brad F. Grinter) ending his narration duties in Blood Freak with a coughing fit.
Best Achievement in Stunting
Along with 5 Fast and Furious movies, I also saw all the Mission: Impossible movies. And that Tom Cruise? Well, the little guy just impresses me. And I’m still amazed at that airplane stunt that starts off Mission: Impossible -- Rogue Nation. That guy’s a lunatic.
Best Accessory
It’s got to be the headband that says “NINJA” on it in Godfrey Ho’s Godfrey-awful Ninja Champion.
It’s got to be obvious that we’re just making up awards for Neil Breen to win, doesn’t it? I Am Here. . . .Now, a movie title that invented the Breenlipses.
Favorite Discovery of the Year (Not Named Neil Breen)
Pierre Etaix
Best Reader Comments
I don’t get nearly as many as I would like. Here are my favorites though.
Cory’s speculation that Joseph Gordon-Levitt is “kind of a perv”
My brother’s use early in the year of “a tinker’s damn” in reference to Star Wars.
Josh: “This movie made me feel sorry for ice!”
Josh again: Most of what he wrote about The Neighbors, but especially “This is like meth-heads doing a “Whose Line Is It Anyway” show.
Barry: “As a movie about a really bad spy, I guess it should get a 16 or 17. As a movie about James Freaking Bond, it gets a 5.
Spam: “If you are a big fan of Nicolas Cage, he must know all about wearing brown leather jacket. Now you can get it. Nicolas Cage Brown Leather Jacket.” (There’s a link if you’re interested.)
And the very best one of all, from Josh: “Any chance I get to be in the vast universe that is your cinematic experience is a great moment for me.” Isn’t that beautiful? It brings a tear to my eye.
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