The Last Emperor

1987 Best Picture winner

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Biopic about the titular last emperor.

Whose idea was it to have the characters speaking English?

There are beautiful moments throughout this, but it just might be the longest movie ever made. Plodding stuff.

I have nothing else to say about The Last Emperor.

Transit

2018 German movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A guy tries to get out of occupied France because the Nazis have arrived. He assumes the identity of a recently-deceased writer and meets some new friends in Marseilles.

The intentional anachronisms were interesting, I suppose all to make this WWII-era issue a timeless one. I'm undecided about whether or not I liked the strangely omniscient narrator who turned out just to be a bartender. Maybe it's because I saw the movie within the last few months, but the pacing and tone of this reminded me a little of The Crying Game. I was intrigued with the characters more than I was engrossed with their plights.

It really feels like the kind of movie I should see again, but I doubt I ever will. Miles to go before I sleep and stuff.

This is a worthless review, and I hope you enjoyed it.

Pilgrim

2019 Thanksgiving horror movie

Rating: 5/20

Plot: A lady hires some Thanksgiving re-enactors to help her make Thanksgiving magical for her family. It doesn't go very well.

This gloriously stupid movie was recommended by a colleague. Here's a list of what I loved:

1) The great (actually great--not being ironic here) credits montage that looked like it could have come straight from the Everything Is Terrible people.
2) "Did we just murder. . .as a family?"
3) "You best get to shucking!" Except "shucking" is pronounced like "sssssshhhhhucking!"
4) The terrible camera work and strange editing choices throughout. I got dizzy a few times, and the movie is really ugly. And I had to squint a few times because of sun coming in a window or some other light source in the background.
5) During a nutsy climax with all sorts of ultra-violence and bloody vomit, the soundtrack choice was a church choir. There's nothing at all wrong with that, but the recording used was live and had clapping it.
6) Intestines!
7) This is a spoiler, and probably some of that stuff up there is, too. You know, the shucking and the murder. Sorry about that. Anyway, after a scene where the mom bludgeons one of the pilgrims with her husband's severed head, the little kid gives this thumbs up that made me laugh loudly enough to wake my wife. And probably a neighbor or two.

You best get to ssssshhhucking!

This movie is awful. Don't watch it.

A Swedish Love Story

1970 Swedish love story

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Two kids fall for each other and try to navigate romance in a world filthy with adults.

It's a sweet enough story, but it's not what you'd expect from a Roy Andersson movie if you've only seen the last three films in his oeuvre as I have. There's the same love of his characters, even the ones who are not supposed to be lovable, and there's a sprinkling of his visual humor early on with a scene involving one of the ubiquitous scooters and later on with some party hats, along with some other little moments. This lacks a narrative drive, but that's probably not really Andersson's thing, is it?

Oh, and guess what? I think Andersson invented the selfie stick in this movie. If you see this, you're going to know what I'm talking about and think this is hilarious.

The clash between that childish innocence (though the children aren't innocent, but they're not innocent in a childish way) and blossoming romance and whatever the hell the adults have going on in this is really well done, and idea that sneaks up on you instead of one that is thrown in your face. 

I can't tell you how excited I am about Roy Andersson's latest movie.

Tokyo!

2008 anthology film

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A trio of stories all taking place in Tokyo. Hey! That's probably why they called the movie Tokyo! 

This is a triptych of Tokyo tales from three directors I like very much--Michel Gondry, Leos Carax, and Bong Joon-Ho, the latter who doesn't like tight clothing. None of the three do anything that would surprise anybody who's seen their work. The stories don't really seem to connect thematically, just tied together by taking place in contemporary Tokyo.

Gondry's short is first, a story about people having trouble finding their place and being seen in a crowded metropolitan area. As you would probably guess with this particular filmmaker, it's a mix of melancholy and whimsy. There's a funny bit with some smoke and a great film-within-the-film called "The Garden of Degradation, a movie the character hopes is "not too intellectual." It's got bunny births and skull-headed motorcycle guys. Gondry shows off some cool visual trickery a few times (a well-placed dish, some insects) and then surprises with some really grotesque but nifty special effects near the end. There's an abrupt transition and a denouement that I don't believe was foreshadowed at all, but it all ended with a shot of a metronome and a banjo, so I can't complain. "But as for me, I'm living between the buildings with the ghosts." Such poetry.

If you've seen Holy Motors, you know the central character of "Merde," Carax's short. Denis Lavant's character's introduction might be the exact same as it was in Holy Motors. I can't remember. Anyway, it's perfect, maybe my favorite character introduction of all time. Then, there's an extended sequence where Lavant's sewer man is walking down a street and eating money and flowers, all to this dramatic music. It's wonderful. Later, there's a brave conversation between the sewer man and another character, a long sequence where nothing at all is translated. I did figure out that the word/gesture for "god" in sewer man's language involves a slap of one's own face. Seems about right. If there's a message here at all, it's got something to do with immigration, but like all three of these shorts, things feel open to interpretation.

I liked all three of these, but if I had to pick a least favorite, it would be Joon-Ho's. There's one wowser of an image with a figure behind this frosted, textured glass that I think was just about the best thing I've ever seen, but I'm in the mood for hyperbole, so you probably shouldn't take me seriously. The protagonist in this one--a self-described "hikikimori," which is sort of like an urban hermit--is interesting, and I like what Joon-Ho does with his domicile to show us everything that character is about. There's a plot point involving buttons that I thought was a little goofy.

Anyway, if you like these three filmmakers, you should give this a look. It's on Amazon Prime.

The Forest of Love

2019 Sion Sono movie

Rating: 8/20

Plot: I'd rather not get into it. It's pretty confusing.

Unfortunately, Sion Sono is not immune to the Netflix stank as this straight-to-streaming release is the worst I've seen from him. It looks terrible, it's way too long, the narrative is unnecessarily confusing, and it never really establishing a tone that feels right. There's a nifty musical number and some visible intestines, but this is definitely one I should have bailed on instead of sticking with it for its 2 1/2 hour duration. It was all over the place, but not really in a way that was unpredictable or fun.

In the Land of the Owl Turds

1987 owl turd movie

Rating: none...it's a short

Plot: A guy with an unique car looks for love.

Looking for love in an unusual car in some of the right places and probably a lot of the wrong ones. I think I would have dug this had I seen in high school as I would have identified with the main character despite his green skin and his sweet, sweet ride. The guy also imitates chickens a little more than I did when I was in high school.

This is very much a student film. Harrod Blank, son of Les Blank, possibly substitutes genuine ideas for absurdity and off-the-wall humor, and after the bit of joy of catching that initial glimpse at that car, the filmmaker's budget and talent limitations prove hard to overcome.

I probably should have dug around to find his dad's documentary from 1987 instead. Gap-Toothed Women looks like a winner.

The Nightingale

2019 bird movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A woman seeks revenge with the help of a black man named Billy who might think he's a bird.

Should I be this disappointed that this had nothing to do with any English romantic poets. This wasn't inspired by either Keats or Coleridge.

Instead, it's almost as if Jennifer Kent decided to show us what a movie experience would be like if consisted of 135 minutes with only 1 1/2 moments of anything resembling humanity. Yeesh, this is a tough watch. I mean, there are a pair of rapes within the first 20 or 25 minutes, and the bleakness doesn't really let up from there. A developing relationship has impact, and while there are those 1 1/2 moments that show something you might call a positive human interaction, for the most part, this is a drama fueled by hate, vengeance, bigotry, animal violence.

You almost have to blame the males. The movie's a real sausage fest with the exception of that protagonist and a couple of female auxiliary characters who pop in way late. Not surprisingly, decisions they make contrast sharply with almost everything else that has taken place. Of course, it contrasts with the growly, almost masculine fervor of Aisling Franciosi, too.

Aside from the revenge plot, a second conflict is between the white bastards and the black natives. One says, "Whitefella way is shit way," the sort of thing that will definitely make this movie unpopular with the religious right. This movie also features the death of children, but I assume that won't bother the religious right as much since these are children who were actually born.

The natural landscapes go a long way here, but it's unclear to me why this was shot in the 4:3 aspect ratio. I'm not sure what the boxiness contributed to anything. Kent has a few nifty perspective shots, and she throws in a pair of cool nightmare sequences. Birds become an important motif, and bird sounds creep in in the latter third of the movie. Maybe earlier--maybe I just wasn't paying attention before.

This ends with a hopeful image and a musical moment that makes me wonder if the whole thing is really about the power of song. No, I'm not talking about the musical moment where a character uses song as an act of defiance. I'm talking about the one a little later than that.

Morning Patrol

1987 apocalyptic movie

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Wandering through an apocalyptic wasteland, an amnesiac woman stumbles upon a forbidden city and struggles to figure out who she is and what has happened.

This lacks the aggressive weirdness of the only other Nikos Nikolaidis movie I've seen--Singapore Sling. With its glacial pace, lack of narrative thrust, unengaging characters, and scant dialogue (other than lots of narration), this was a bit of a challenge, even for somebody who really enjoys glacial paces and unengaging characters. The narration, apparently, comes from novels by Philip K. Dick, Raymond Chandler, and Daphne Du Maurier. Mostly, it just seemed like nonsense that I didn't really need to pay that much attention to. The inability to connect those dots in the narration was as frustrating as the pace, but it's possible that Nikolaidis's goal was to disorient the viewer with the word salad in order to help us empathize with that amnesiac protagonist.

There are loose ends within the story that Nikolaidis also doesn't seem interested in providing explanations for that further disorient. The two that stand out might be the most interesting bits in the movie. In one, the unnamed character wanders into a house, watches a bit of an old movie (maybe The Band Wagon? I know a snippet of that is in here somewhere.) and then is harassed by a radio-controlled car. It's a slightly eerie sequence, but it never seems to matter. Later, the woman is watching another movie in a seemingly abandoned theater and some goggled theater ninjas assault her and, after a cut that yadda-yadda-yaddas their intent, leaves her topless beneath a bunch of loose film. She never reflects on what happened or mentions it to the character she meets later on, so it doesn't seem like this episode really matters at all.

I did enjoy the set design quite a bit. She wanders through Tarkovskian landscapes, down abandoned streets, in subterranean hallways, and through haunting empty shopping malls, and a lot of it looks really cool. I was impressed with the amount of locations, especially since it seems like this movie had to have been pretty cheaply made. It doesn't have nearly the impact or depth of Stalker although it seems to share a lot of those ideas. It's like Nikolaidis thought that all he needed to do to make his own Tarkovsky film was make it really really slow and esoteric.

Shadow

2018 Yimou Zhang movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: I don't feel like typing a plot synopsis for this one.

The wife of the warrior guy told another guy, "Your zither needs tuning," and I may have gotten an erection.

Zhang Yimou goes with all blacks and whites and grays in this one, yet it's as visually stunning and as vibrant as the movies he made right after the turn of the century. Early on, the power dynamics and character relationships confused me, but things fell into place enough as it went on. There isn't a ton of action until there is, but the conflicts still intrigue, and there's a really great performance by the guy who plays the king. And man, oh, man! Those visuals are enough of a hook to make me watch something like this even if I don't end up understanding any of the story at all. There are a few shots that just made me say "Wow" out loud.

There really are a couple of great moments with dueling zithers.

Herbie Rides Again

1974 sequel

Rating: 7/20

Plot: Herbie, the car from The Love Bug, tries to save an old lady's property from a guy who wants to build shopping malls or something.

So we've got that Disney+, and after watching and enjoying the first episode of The Mandalorian (and the second episode which I thought had a real Samurai Jack vibe), I was looking at all the treasures and Disney classics available to watch. And then, because I apparently hate myself, I decided to watch Herbie Rides Again, something I know I saw as a little kid but haven't seen since. I had my laptop nearby and decided to Movies-a-Go-Go this son of a bitch because the opening credits made it seem like it deserved the Movies-a-Go-Go treatment. So what follows are my unadulterated thoughts as I watched Herbie Rides Again in the year 2019 with my eyeballs.

What a jarring opener--stock footage of building demolition with Hawk overacting like he’s a villain in a silent movie.

With that mustache, you know Hawks is just no good.

God bless, Disney+ for allowing me to watch this. It was either this or begin my attempt to watch The Shaggy Dog the most days in a row. But I think I've decided 2020 is the Year of the Shaggy Dog. I don't want to shoot my Shaggy Dog wad in November of 2019, do I?

Hawk Towers will be 130 stories. I think that’s what they said. The World Trade Center buildings were 100 stories, I believe. So how can these old people at this rich white guy party not be impressed?

Also jarring--Hawk is in a cab talking about demolishing the Roman Colosseum, and now he’s in San Francisco?

Keenan Wynn simultaneously appears to be giving it 110% and dying. He’s so sweaty in these early scenes.

What did this old lady do to Dean Jones and Buddy Hackett?

Two minutes at this old bag’s firehouse, and this lawyer’s already met a with a sentient Volkswagon,  jukebox, and trolley.

Oh, Buddy Hackett is off in Tibet with a guru. Pronounced with an accent on the second syllable.

Wait a second. Have I been pronouncing "guru" wrong?

Whoa! Nicole is a smokeshow! Great legs! And now I have to watch Herbie Rides Again on a Wednesday night aroused. If Buddy Hackett was in this, that would be expected. No Buddy Hackett? Well, I'm as surprised as you are!

This driving scene is just regurgitated from the first movie. But I do love the recycled music, truly one of my favorite bits of music in any movie ever. I'm not even joking.

Chicken Tournament Jousting Today...looks like they used a Madlibs book to write some of this.

The Red Knight? Was the casting call for somebody who could make that face like Peter Thorndyke when driving?

I guess they didn’t want to film at a real wharf, so they decided to go with the green screen. What is really cool about this scene is that they couldn’t figure out if the characters are inside or outside.

Nicole strikes Hawk’s nephew with a lobster and he flies--I’m not even kidding--at least thirty feet. And it might or may not have been through a window.

“Why did you hit Mr. Whitfield with that boiled lobster?”

There's just something about a hot woman sliding down a fireman’s pole. I must be in a mood or something because I think I might have to pleasure myself during this viewing of Herbie Rides Again. I'll try my best to control myself, however, because these Movies-a-Go-Go things don't type themselves!

Racing montage! And yes, we get more of the music. I really hope this Herbie dream sequence ends with a shot where Herbie has leaked oil all over the ground.

I really miss Dean Jones. I’ve written about this before, but for me, he was right up there with Harrison Ford. I just thought he was the coolest motherfucker around.

This Willoughby Whitfield character has a head that is too similar to Mr. Bean’s. It's very distracting.

They don’t make stewardesses like they used to. Or their skirts. And yes, I know I’m not supposed to call them stewardesses, but I’m already objectifying women and doubt it matters all that much.

Did this rich guy with the cigar just say that his men and some equipment were playing rummy? Is the digging equipment also. . . [Note: Apparently, I didn't finish this thought.]

Holy cow, this Keenan Wynn is on fire!

This scene where Hawk is bragging out how good he was at repossessing cars at the age nineteen certainly has some odd editing choices.

I’m really not sure how stealing this old lady’s car is going to get her to move out of a firehouse, but I’m just trying to go with the flow here. I’m going to turn off my mind and let Herbie take me places.

“DON’T YOU DARE TO THREAT ME!”

I had to rewind it this to watch the shot of people celebrating when the cop cars crashed into each other a second time.

These characters sure do talk to themselves a lot in this movie. I guess if the inner monologue is as important as it is here, you just have to let the audience get that glimpse inside the characters' heads.

I believe the scene where the old lady is going to the store and takes her hands off the wheel and Herbie takes control is supposed to be movie magic. It is not, I'm sorry to report, movie magic.

And now a scene in a parking garage that very obviously inspired Tokyo Drift.

Outstanding special effects as Herbie leaps from the top of a parking garage to a building across the street.

Ha! The bad guys ended up with cake on them! The perfect consequence for villainry!

I didn’t think this movie could get stupider or look worse, but the quintet of villains are chasing Herbie up the Golden Gate Bridge now. The special effects are bad, and the lack of logic makes it just way too silly.

It’s possible that I’m wrong, but it sure seems like the old lady is giving Herbie instructions to get Willoughby and the stewardess to sleep together. She really wants her daughter granddaughter or whoever this is to get laid!

“Did you know that’s the first time I’ve ever heard anybody use the word ‘romantic’ in a real conversation?” What?

Herbie chasing seagulls around probably doesn’t help the romantic mood.

“You can hit me back if you want.”
“That wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.”
I think you’re missing the point, Willoughby. She wants to you hit that!

Willoughby and Nicole are about to “do it,” and Herbie is trying to fuck a seagull. This movie just got really horny!

“Well, that’s ridiculous. Why would a shark be following a Volkswagon?”

Surfer guy--my favorite auxiliary character in this thing so far. [David Mooney, I guess. And it appears as if he just passed away in 2019. RIP, surfer guy.]

How stoned were the writers of this thing?

Another question--why isn’t there a Herbie ride at Disney World?

“Alright, get your hands up!”
“Don’t get fresh with me, young man.”
What?

How many cigars does this Barnsdorf guy smoke a day?

Judson, doin’ alright until he imbibed in that sheep dip.

Another car chase, a potentially out-of-control trolley filled with junk and a guy loopy on sheep dip...things are about to get nuts!

Offscreen: “Look what you done to my pretzi!” I had to rewind it four times and couldn’t heard anything else.

I want to see a dollar amount on the property damage this little heist has caused.

Oh, man! This action scene with Willoughby’s leap from Herbie’s hood to the out-of-control streetcar was something else!

At this point, I’m not totally sure that Willoughby and Nicole have had sex, and that bothers me.

Ha ha! Obvious switch to stop-motion as Willoughby is hanging from a window cleaning lift.

A scene with bubbles has me so flabbergasted that I have no idea what to type.

Hawk yelling at some birds for absolutely no reason--nearly magical.

This nightmarish sequence with sheep with a 53 painted on them jumping over a fence before a bunch of Hebies with teeth chase down Willoughby...then Herbie’s throwing hatchets, a King Kong sequence...what a dream sequence!

“Right for the jugular vein, baby!” Hawk’s just getting cooler as this thing goes.

Reusing the same restaurant set. Maybe it had windows the entire time. I’m not sure what’s real anymore after watching Herbie chase Hawk around in a room full of bubbles.

Yet another reference to Willoughby looking like a rabbit. I think I might have missed something earlier because this recurring joke or whatever it is doesn’t make a lot of sense.

Slug bug!

So all Volkswagon Bugs are sentient now? Got it. I think. Maybe I don't got it. Maybe there's nothing at all to get.

Hippie VW at the drive-in....there’s a shot of a couple inside kissing, and it was a still. What the heck?

They just showed them again! What is happening?

Hawk’s workers get a little wet and run away like their lives are in danger. That seems plausible.

The shot this ends on...wow. The newlyweds are riding in Herbie under an arch made by other VW Bugs and some kids are throwing rice. It looks worse than the shots of Herbie on the Golden Gate Bridge.

Disney+ is telling me to watch Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo, and I can’t think of a reason why I shouldn’t. That's one I'm definitely watching without pants.

No Way Out

1987 thriller

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Navy shenanigans.

God damn it! It's Gene Hackman again!

I don't remember Kevin Costner being this studly, but maybe I just like a man in uniform. There's a moment in this where he eats bugs off a windshield, and I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on.

There's also a moment when the "No Way Out" (thanks, Paul Anka) song is playing while Costner and Sean Young are going to town in a limo. Bill, the pervy limo driver, is watching eagerly. And then--boom! An obelisk! The whole thing is super sleazy, but it's probably my favorite part of the movie. Things get a little tired and cliched as the suspense is turned up, and then there's a twist that you can't see coming because it doesn't make a lick of sense.

Most of this movie is enjoyable.

Wall Street

1987 Oliver Stone movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Wall Street stuff.

Well, there certainly are a whole lot of words in this movie. And then there's some split-screen and the appearance of a robot butler.

Bonus points should have been given for the tracks from David Byrne and Brian Eno's My Life in the Bush of Ghosts album, but I'm in a bad mood and don't feel like it.

Stylistically, this seems a little ahead of its time. But with the subject matter and its themes and that robot butler, it is very much a 1980's movie. It's hard to take Charlie Sheen seriously as an actor 30 years after this, and I'm not sure he's really any good here. Michael Douglas won an Oscar for this, but I've seen him be better in better movies.

No Oscar for the robot butler unfortunately.

Radio Days

1987 Woody Allen movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Woody reminisces on a youth spent listening to the radio with his family.

This movie is the second in a row in which Dick Hyman appeared in the credits. That's called a "Double Dick Hyman," as you probably know.

This semi-autobiographical movie is that special kind of movie that can make you feel nostalgic for experiences you've never had. The performances are really good, and the episodic structure keeps this thing buzzing right along, like somebody hitting the "scan" button on the radio to look for a station. At first, it's hard to tell just whose point of view this is supposed to be, but it's a good portrait of this family. Woody Allen, at least in this stage of his career, had both the technical virtuosity and the love of the subject matter to make something that really sings.

Moonstruck

1987 romantic comedy

Rating: 8/20

Plot: No time to write a plot synopsis. I don't care enough.

My wife fell asleep during this, but before she did, I asked if I could have her permission to sleep with Cher if the opportunity ever arises. She gave me permission. So if you're reading this, Cher, that door is open!

I watched this more for Nicolas Cage than Cher, of course. I didn't figure it would be good, but I thought it might provide me with some entertaining Cage moments. Man, that guy had some body in the late-80's. I was going to ask my wife if I could also sleep with him if that opportunity ever popped up, but I believe I've already asked before and got a firm no as an answer.

There's something magnetic about Cher even though I don't really buy her character as a real person. There's also not much chemistry at all with Cage. In fact, there's a lot of whatever the opposite of chemistry is. The story is trite, the dialogue is poorly written, and the sentiments seem like they come from 1930's cinema rather than something produced in 1987.

But what about the Nicolas Cage? Well, I do like the fact that his character has a wooden hand, especially when he holds it up and screams, "I lost my hand! I lost my hand!" as only Cage can. And this really strange scene that precedes the first moment they sleep together? That's entertaining. He flips a table. Then, he grabs and kisses Cher. Then, she kisses him back. He picks her up. She asks, "What are you doing?" He yells, "Son of a bitch!" for no reason. She asks, "Where are you going?" He answers, "To bed."

I had to rewind that three times to figure out whether or not it made any sense.

TL;DR: If you want to have sex with me, Cher, you totally can! My wife's cool with it!

Where Is My Friend's House?

1987 Kiarostami film

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A kid looks for his classmate's house after he accidentally takes his notebook. He doesn't want his friend to get in trouble.

The story that takes place here is about as simplistic as a movie narrative can be. A kid has to return a notebook but has trouble finding his friend's house, mostly because the adults around aren't being very helpful. It's a very human story, somehow these movies with kids as protagonists managing to get to the hearts of things more effectively than movies with adult protagonists. There's something profoundly sad about seeing a child, along with all the naive innocence and optimism that comes with him or her, in a world where that sort of innocence and optimism has difficult thriving. This movie really is about the difficult road a person is required to travel in order to practice empathy. The best visual metaphor is a road or path that cuts uphill toward a tree. Empathy isn't a straight shot, is it? It takes some traveling and some sacrifice and maybe some risks. The jagged streets in wherever-the-hell-this-takes-place also create that visual metaphor.

This is pretty damning toward the adults here, individuals who are contrasted so sharply with the kid because they seem to lack empathy. Most of this movie is seen through the kid's eyes, almost entirely his perspective until a scene with a grandfather who wants to beat him every fortnight. And man, that kid's eyes are fantastic! When an act of kindness like this is seen from an adult perspective, a jaded and tired perspective, the contrast is even more extreme.

Lots of doors and windows in this, including a reference to an iron door, a metaphor as simultaneously simple and complex as something from a Robert Frost poem. Differences in doors and windows are as clear as the differences between the hearts of children and the minds of adults, especially at night when funky lights and shadows from windows are thrown on walls. One of the first shots we see in this also has a door, a classroom door that a teacher can't get closed.

Man, that teacher. I know we're probably supposed to see that guy and be disgusted by the way he treats his students, but I'm not going to lie--that's kind of the teacher I want to be.

This is the first of a trilogy--the Koker Trilogy--so I'm probably going to have to check out the other two sometime--Life and Nothing More... and Through the Olive Trees.

Border Radio

1987 independent picture

Rating: 8/20

Plot: Don't care.

Sometimes when I'm doing research for these "Best of Some-Year" lists, I end up watching movies that I really hate. I couldn't get past the terrible acting and complete lack of any style or voice in this one.

Parasite

2019 Bong Joon-Ho movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A struggling family infiltrates the home of a wealthy family, and problems arise.

I don't want to write much for fear of giving too much away because this is the kind of movie one should see with as little knowledge as possible. It has several of those moments where you think you've figured things out, but then you realize you only sort of figured them out. Bong Joon-Ho is a director who knows how to entertain as much as any director currently working, and as you'd expect from one of his films, this has a lot to say about classes and economic diversity. It's not subtle, but there are some real nuances that make you reconsider everybody's roles, and without clear-cut good guys and bad guys, the whole thing is a richer experience. It's a nice companion to Us, a movie I didn't like as much.

Joon-Ho balances the humor and the tragedy so well, the only American comparison I can think of being maybe the Coen brothers.

My Name Is Dolemite

2019 Dolemite biopic

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Dolemite.

I don't know. This movie is fine, especially for a Netflix movie. Murphy's pretty good, and so is the rest of the cast, but this reminds me of The Disaster Artist in the way it hits all the expected notes and highlights with spot-on impersonations. I did like the shout-out to Gordy's Lounge in Indianapolis.

This review is about as useless as anything else on the Internet.

The Lighthouse

2019 gay lighthouse keeper movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A lighthouse keeper with a spotlight fetish takes in a new assistant.

With its nods to silent cinema, emphasis on visuals over narrative, the grating sound design, surrealist touches, and performances by gifted seagull actors, this is very much my type of movie. The opening shot hooked me, and then all of the other shots hooked me, too. Willem Dafoe is barely intelligible, garbling lines pulled from Melville and sailor journals from a century or two ago, but he's just about perfect in this role as a grizzled veteran. And look who it is again! Robert Pattinson continues to gravitate to these auteur filmmakers and really challenging roles, likely an attempt to get the stink of Twilight off him.

A friend of mine named Eric didn't like this nearly as much as me, and my claim that it's the horniest movie I've seen in a long, long time didn't change his mind. Phallic lighthouses, furious masturbating, an obvious sexual tension between Pattinson and Dafoe. Eric dubbed it "Brokeback Lighthouse," and that doesn't feel wrong.

Eggers mixes all sorts of folklore and legend from the Northeast with Greek/Roman mythology and who knows what else to make something that is always compelling even when it's not entirely clear how it all comes together or if it even all comes together. If you put a harpoon to my head, I would say this is about what happens when men--and I mean men specifically, not women or mermaids--uncover the truths about themselves, their ambitions, their inspirations, their temptations, their sins, and phalluses.

And if you do have a bright light on the tip of your penis, you might want to get that checked out by a doctor.

This has a stand-out dream sequence, all sorts of fantastic though ostentatious imagery, and most surprisingly, a whole lot of humor. Laughter in my theater was uncomfortable, always a sign that a movie has my kind of humor. I didn't laugh because my laugh is obnoxious enough to make somebody want to take a peek and what kind of face that laugh is coming out of, and since I was watching this without pants, I didn't want anybody looking at me. My lighthouse, after all, was only at half mast.

Excuse the mixed metaphor. It feels appropriate with this movie though.

The Birdcage

1996 romantic comedy

Rating: 15/20

Plot: The son of a gay couple who run a nightclub and the daughter of a conservative politician get engaged.

My friend Fred was shocked and appalled that I had never seen this and told me that I was no longer allowed to step foot in his house until I watched it. I can count the amount of friends I have on one hand, so I didn't really have a choice.

Nichols' film is really funny. I can't compare it to the original European (apparently French and Italian?) version because I haven't seen that one either. I doubt that one has Nathan Lane who is a real national treasure. So is Robin Williams' mustache, I guess. I am surprised that Williams didn't take advantage of the randier material here--though it's an R that could have easily been a PG-13--to show off that enormous penis of his. Gene Hackman Genes all over the screen, and Hank Azaria is on fire in this performance that I just can't decide whether it's offensive or not.

Somewhere tucked in this farcical comedy is a message about acceptance and identity, but I'm not completely sure that was the main focus here.

I can now go to my friend Fred's house again.

Bagdad Cafe

1987 movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: After leaving her husband, a German lady winds up at a motel in the middle of nowhere. The proprietor is skeptical of her ambitions, but she manages to add some spunk to the place and turn it into an attraction.

On the one hand, there's a metronome tease and an irritating opening song that frustrated me, but seeing Jack Palance with that vest, headband, and belt buckle combination won me over. The quirk is spread all over this like I spread mayonnaise on a ham sandwich, but as a fan of quirk, I'm not going to have any issues with that. The story's slight, and there's really nothing profound about the clash of these characters of different races and backgrounds. That might be part of the appeal though. This doesn't always have a thrust or consistent voice, but there's more than enough individual moments and little details to entertain. And I'm always a sucker for these movies where an Eastern European director shares his or her perspective on America.