You've Got Mail

1998 romantic comedy

Rating: 11/20 (Jen: 17/20)

Plot: Joe Fox is the "son" of Fox & Son Books, a discount book store chain. Kathleen is the owner of a quaint store for children's books called Shop Around the Corner. Since the former's actions threaten to put the latter out of business, they should be enemies. However, without knowing it, they've been corresponding electronically, smitten with each other despite already being in relationships with douche bags. The relationship between their secret identities grows while their actual physical interactions cause them to hate each other more and more.

Completely harmless. Jen's reasons for wanting to see this also had to do with interior decorating. The movie's sweet enough, but it's simultaneously too long and suffers from a final half hour that seems too rushed and unbelievable. There are also some unforgivably cliched moments--most notably when she's closing up the shop and has some sort of acid flashback--and a soundtrack that is fairly obnoxious except for the Harry Nilsson. By the way, where the hell did Meg Ryan go? And why didn't Tom Hanks go with her?

Practical Magic

1998 romantic comedy

Rating: 5/20 (Jen: 8/20)

Plot: Sally and Gillian come from a long line of witches. As they grow into adulthood, they desire more normal lives with normal loves, but unfortunately a family curse seems to kill off all men who they fall in love with.

This is one of my least favorite movie-watching experiences of the year. Jen had her reasons for watching this (wanting to check out the house or something), and unfortunately for her, I don't think I'll ever forgive her for it. Thing is, this idea could have made for whimsical, funny movie, but the script was so bad and the story was all over the place any potential fun was just sucked out of the thing. Maybe I kept dozing off or something, but it almost seemed like I was watching excerpts from a television series. One that would likely be cancelled after four episodes. The story just didn't make much sense. The acting was also terrible, but that very well could have been because of the script. Well, that and the fact that Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman are in it. I've said it before and I'll say it again--Nicole Kidman is nearly completely worthless in films unless she's naked. Aidan Quinn, by the way, was the most terrible at all, but I have no desire to see him naked.

Steven Wright: When the Leaves Blow Away

2006 comedy

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Deadpan comic Steven Wright delivers his one-liners and people laugh.

The live show footage is followed by a short written and directed by Wright called "One Soldier" which is pretty bewildering. It's a poetic look at mortality, both depressing and hilarious. Really cool stuff. I always enjoy seeing Wright, but so many of the jokes are things I've heard on his albums that I didn't find myself laughing much. That might have more to do with my crippling depression though. And I do prefer hearing him over seeing and hearing him for some reason.

Aztec Mummy vs. the Human Robot

1. 1958 Mexican monster movie

Rating: 2/20

Plot: A crazy scientist who wants to take over the world races against some men of indeterminate profession to grab an Aztec breastplate with matching bracelet that unfortunately unleashes some mummy curse.

If seeing a mummy fight a clunky robot in slow motion is up your alley or anywhere near it, this is the movie for you. The story's ludicrous and the acting and pacing and special effects are arguably worse. The movie is narrated by one of the main characters as he tells his group of friends all about his goofy experiences with this goofy mummy. The movie probably would have worked better without the narrative framing. On second thought, I doubt anything can save a movie like this. There are lags, but this is a pretty entertaining piece of crap. A scene involving a wife who was kidnapped at least three times in the movie, some of the silliest gangsters you'll ever see, a laboratory with beakers filled with what must be acid, and a pissed mummy is a highlight. The main bad guy/evil scientist sort of has an Orson Welles thing going for him. Maybe he was the Mexican Orson Welles or something. His soliloquy when he describes his excitement after creating a "human robot" is exceptionally moving. That "greatest invention" itself is pretty cool. A guy in a clunky metallic costume who moves really slowly? How do they think of these things? There's also one of those wonderful Torgo-esque performances by a guy who plays the night watchman at the cemetery. And there are numerous moments where this looks to be the production of a group of people who have never actually witnessed actual human behavior. Or mummy behavior. Or human robot behavior. I can see the actors and director together on the set.

"Hmm. Now what would an actual person do here?"

"I have no idea. Maybe we should go and find some so that we can ask them."

"Yes. Yes. That just might be the solution. Come on."

"Yes. Come on."

Of course, the dubbing could have a lot to do with the completely unnatural way these characters behave. I'd definitely recommend this one to lovers of really bad movies. And I look forward to seeing more Aztec mummy movies, especially the one where the Aztec mummy fights Mexican women wrestlers.

A Crude Awakening: The Oil Crash

2006 doom 'n' gloom documentary

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Apparently, the world is running out of oil. That probably means I should stop drinking the stuff.

The feel-bad movie of 2006. There was some clunkiness in the editing of this, but surprisingly very few moments that seemed propagandish. A nice mix of history lesson, interviews, and entertaining archival footage. Phillip Glass should probably sue whoever did the music for this. Unless it was him. That lawsuit wouldn't make any sense.

Cory's recommendation.

Chaplin

1992 biopic

Rating: 15/20

Plot: The life of Charlie Chaplin from his impoverished childhood with his older half-brother and mentally ill mother to his life in exile in Switzerland. It's a life of sex with minors, multiple divorces, obsession, accusations of communism, and struggles to find a cane with just the right flexibility.

I saw this in a movie theater at the very beginning of 1993 and then forgot about it. I didn't know anything about Charlie Chaplin, and I think I had only seen one of his movies. Maybe. One or none. As I left the theater, I put my hands in my pockets and walked as slowly as possible to the car. There was a juggler. He wasn't juggling, but he asked me for a quarter anyway. I told him, "I don't have a quarter," and gave him a nod of the head so he'd believe me. As a fellow juggler, I could identify. It was really cold. My nipples were likely erect. Distracted by the gravity of the situation, I ended up accidentally dropping my hat in a mud puddle and not knowing until the next day. But I think I was in love; that, or I had the kind of rash that you just don't want to go away. There was a cemetery with infants' graves and a lake in the shape of America. Somehow, I ended up in a basement, completely confused about why I was there or what I was supposed to do. A quick flash, sort of a lunge, and the promise that when I returned from military school, I would locate and embrace the statue of Athena in the middle of the golf course, the one with the wind-scrambled fragments of paper scattered around her cracking feet. The one with the albatross perched on the shoulder. Earlier, we'd spent what seemed like minutes but was probably hours or days trying to piece the paper back together again, reassembling so-and-so's love for so-and-so or maybe the news that the other shoe had dropped, proverbially. Pondering an end and a ladder without any rungs, I drove over one hundred miles per hour, maybe even one hundred and fifty, and counted every single snow flake. I may have counted some stars, too. The difference between bright stars and snow flakes drifting in front of your headlights on a winter night is barely discernible. The memory is so vivid that I barely remember it. It's when I reach my hand out in my memory that I find another hand forever there. All of my memories are black and white and silent, and the title cards are illegible and the organist has the flu and refuses to take off his mittens. So that explains all that.

The Seventh Seal

1957 comedy

Rating: 18/20

Plot: A knight returning from the Crusades meets up with Death and asks for a reprieve. He challenges Death to a game of chess, a game which continues as he continues his travels back to his home. He meets up with some actors, a priest-turned-thief, a blacksmith and his wife, and a variety of other unfortunate souls facing death and plague. LOL!

Quite possibly the funniest comedy ever made! A hilarious precursor to the works of Benny Hill and the Farrelly Brothers, The Seventh Seal includes a lovable cast of characters delivering lines dripping with both dry wit and bawdy humor, along with slapstick and visual gags. From the uproariously funny dance choreography of the crippled plague victims to the scene where Death's mother catches him pleasuring himself in the laundry room, this one will have you laughing for days. Literally. You'll be sitting at your workplace and then you'll be all like, "LOL!" and everybody will look at you and be like, "What's so funny?" and you'll be like, "OMG! I just saw The Seventh Seal!" and they'll be like, "Bergman? That shiznit is the funnizzle! Damn straight. LMAO!" This is a movie all your pals will be quoting right along with their Simpsons and their Saturday Night Live quotes. You don't want to be the only one not in on the joke when you frat brother says, "Most people think neither of death or nothingness" while your other friend, fighting snickers, answers, "But one day you will stand at the edge of life and face darkness!" LOL!

Gospel According to Harry

1994 pretentious nonsense

Rating: 7/20

Plot: Wes and Karen try to work through their marital problems in the middle of the desert. That's where they live. They've got furniture and stuff. It's pretty artsy.

Thing is, I'm probably the audience for this. In fact, if I became a director, this seems like it could be the exact movie I'd make except for the lack of midgets. There would also be more nudity probably. So the fact that I didn't like it at all is probably not good. This was 80+ minutes that I really had to suffer through. I don't think I ever want to see a movie directed by Lech Majewski.

Careful

1992 movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: In the fictional mountain town Tolzbad, residents live in relaxed but constant fear of avalanches. They cover their windows in sheepskin, cut the vocal chords of livestock, and do anything else to prevent any disturbance of the snows. Within Tolzbad lives a mother with her three children, two who are in training to become butlers and one who sits mutely in the attic and occasionally converses with the ghost of his father. That father, an unfortunate soul who lost one eye as a baby when his face was too close to a pin and the other as an adult when he got too close to a cuckoo clock, tries to warn the mute son about the incestuous dreams of his recently-engaged brother and the murderous plans of the other. Love trapezoids!

Man, I love this guy (pun intended). Again, the voice of this Guy Maddin-directed surrealist funk rings loudly and clearly. Still referencing silent films--especially German oddball expressionist stuff with the paper-background sets and facial close-ups and camera angles--this one is in color (albeit it's this weird fuzzy colors, hand-tinted and grainy) and the characters speak. It's a darkly comic visual feast. At the same time, there's this almost agonizing detachment. It's so otherworldly, so blatantly like anything you've ever seen before while at the same time reminding you of so many other things, that it's almost an uncomfortable movie experience. It's almost like you're watching one of David Lynch's nightmares. Which is fine because uncomfortable movie experiences are my favorite movie experiences. Definitely put this in the "not for very many people" category.

Gojiro

1954 Japanese monster movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Those damn nuclear weapons! All that messing around with radioactivity has awakened a rubbery, dinosauric beast from 2,000 fathoms, and now it's rampaging through Tokyo and messing everything up. Can anybody stop Godzilla? The one guy? The other guy with the oxygen-destroying invention? The girl? The other guys?

It's really unfortunate that (spoiler alert!) they kill Godzilla at the end of this because they probably could have made a bunch a sequels and a buttload of money. A Godzilla-buttload of money! This movie is probably more important historically than it is entertaining. It's not a terrible monster movie, and the special effects (puppets, guy-in-suit-stomping-on-miniatures) aren't bad at all for the mid-50's, definitely preferable to the more contemporary stuff that might look more realistic but isn't much fun at all. The Japanese version (the American one has Raymond Burr stuffed in it and loses over ten minutes) also has an anti-war message which straddles that line between movies-whose-messages-take-it-beyond-just-mindless-entertainment and sci-fi cliched junk. There's far too much talking in this, especially since not much at all is actually said, and it (at least the dvd I watched) is really grainy and makes the action difficult to see. I would like to see some of the goofier follow-ups. Anybody know any good ones?

Help!

1965 musical comedy

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A religious cult located in the Bahamas can't complete a sacrifice to their octopus god because the sacred ring is missing. Tough break since they'd already painted the woman red and everything! Somehow, Ringo's got that ring on his finger, and he can't get it off. The bad guys nefariously attempt to either get the ring or paint Ringo red to get him all ready to disembowel. Ringo and the other Marx Brothers flee, go skiing, explore a beach, sing some songs, and do other Beatle things.

Very entertaining and deadpanly funny movie although not as accomplished/consistently great as A Hard Day's Night. The story, I guess, doesn't matter a lot as it is just an excuse for numerous sight gags and other bits of nonsense. It is pretty loosey-goosey and chaotic though. The musical parts seem squeezed into the story, but I do really like how "A Hard Day's Night" keeps working its way into the soundtrack. Lester's direction is also pretty loosey-goosey, a good cross between fun and experimental, and there are some nice touches that make this artful nonsense instead of just nonsense. Moments as funny as Monty Python and the aforementioned Marx Brothers make this a movie that will likely still be fun in another forty-odd years. I'm sure this one isn't as good as Yellow Submarine though.

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

2001 fantasy movie

Rating: 17/20 (Dylan: 15/20)

Plot: A bunch of midgets are fighting over a piece of jewelry, so they hire a grumpy old man named Grumpy to settle the dispute. It's decided that Frodo should travel to a scary place and have the ring sold to a pawn shop called Crap 'n' More. Unfortunately, Crap 'n' More was put out of business after the locals founds out that the soup they served in the pawn shop's concession stand wasn't really cream of mushroom. Why would anybody eat food served at a pawn shop anyway? Another grumpy magical guy named Count Dooku sends some of his friends to warn Frodo and his fellow midgets--Harpo, Blinko, Porno, Zippy--so that they don't waste their time and gas driving all the way to the scary place. Meanwhile, Frodo decides to have himself committed to an asylum run by smug Englishmen with pointy ears. A flaming vagina hallucination keeps him there for several months while the smug Englishmen crack jokes and draw things on his face while he sleeps. "Flaming vagina? Did it belong to my wife? Ha ha ha!" That joke is in the movie seventeen times. Grumpy figures that Frodo needs help, so he recruits some help--Beardo, Lance Spectacular, Big Ears, and Stumpy--to travel with Frodo to find another pawn shop to sell the ring. They decide to take the scenic route through some dark places because Grumpy brought a flashlight and "I ain't carryin' around this flashlight for nothin', bitches! Let's roll!" They have several very expensive adventures.

A great deal of midget action in this one.

Sawdust and Tinsel

1953 movie

Rating: 17/20

Plot: Darkly almost-comic battle of the sexes within a filthy dilapidated circus. As they pull into a certain town, the ringmaster plans to visit his ex-wife and sons for the first time in three years. Meanwhile, his current love--a Spaniard who rides a horse around and displays bobbing bosoms--sleeps with an actor they met when borrowing clothes from a theater troupe. Problems in their relationship escalate poetically. Nobody lives happily ever after.

Great stuff. It's often amazing what the camera does in this, and although it has a few flaws, this is still a great Bergman flick. A first viewing feels incomplete, but the visuals (especially in an early flashback/dream [?] sequence involving a clown and a naked woman and the thickly tense climactic scenes) are so capable of creating moods. There's a definite and not-very-complex plot, but this still works more as a movie you feel rather than follow. There are strange period details that make this both otherworldly and timeless. Add terrific acting, an interesting score, lighting that even somebody as dumb as me can notice and appreciate, and some close-ups of clowns' faces, and you've got yourself a great movie. Keep in mind, however, that I'm a sucker for circus movies. Usually, they've got both midgets and monkeys just like this one.

Lord of the Flies

1963 novel adaptation

Rating: 17/20

Plot: It's just like a typical day in my 7th grade language arts classroom except that it takes place on an island and all the kids speak proper English.

Fantastically faithful adaptation which seems bizarre considering the way the film was made (60 hours of film, lots improvised, later condensed into the 90 minute movie). The imagery is striking, enhanced by the grainy black and white photography. The setting's about perfect, too. This is really a movie that should have been free of music though. The anarchy provided by the children was soundtrack enough. Great movie with some truly memorable and haunting scenes.

Sergeant York

1941 American propaganda

Rating: 16/20 (Dylan: 11/20)

Plot: All Alvin York wants is a piece of bottom land and a piece of love interest Gracie's bottom. Living in Tennessee with his mother (they don't even have telephones or the Internet there!), he matures from an uneducated hillybilly troublemaker into an uneducated hillybilly pacifist. But the Great War has broken out, and it's the wrong time to be a conscientious objector. Torn between his duty to his country and his devotion to God, York trains and eventually heads off the France so that he can become Forrest Gump. God bless America!

This is a very attractive movie and Gary Cooper is great in it, but it does pour it on pretty thickly. Good script though.