First, the boring statistics. For the second year in a row, I watched the most movies in December (a whopping 50) as I was trying to reach the yearly goal. I watched the least movies in August (only 16) as school was starting up. Most of the latter were watched on a urine-stained couch. The year started strong with a January average rating of 14.6. The lowest-rated month was November at 10.9. The overall average this year rounds up to 13. That's .7 less than last year, but it's higher than the year before. For the 4th straight year, the rating I gave out the most was a 16/20. Last year, I didn't have a single 1/20. In 2011, I watched two. There were also only two 19/20's.
Readership: I think it's the same--4 1/2 readers. Anybody got any ideas? Maybe I'll start promoting more because the more I read myself the past couple of days in preparation for this post, the more I realized how delightfully entertaining I am.
But enough about me. You 4 1/2 readers come here for the awards.
The Billy Curtis Award (Best performance by a little person): Not a particularly strong field this year. I like Danny Devito's work in Cuckoos Nest, and Jesus Juarez is great as Aladin in Jodorowsky's Santa Sangre. I liked that little caramel-covered Indian in The Manitou, but that little bugger was actually played by a pair of little fellows--Joe Gieb and Felix Silla, both who will probably find in this blog after Googling themselves and be thrilled to come so close to winning the Billy Curtis Award. This one was really no contest though as Weng Weng jump-kicked and scooted into my heart as Agent Double-O in For Your Height Only. Whether as a fighter or a lover, a kung-fu or weapons master or a guy floating from a top floor of an apartment building with an umbrella, Weng Weng delivered the goods. Way to go, little buddy!
Most Embarrassing Thing That Happened While Shane Was Blogging in 2011 That He Probably Shouldn't Even Admit to His Readers: How much I giggled after imagining little people Googling themselves.
Best Blog Comments: Because it's really you 4 1/2 readers that make this blog the success that it is! Here are my favorite comments from the year:
"Starting off the movie club with accusations of brutality? Couldn't ask for more." (L@rstonovich)
"Ohhh snap. That plan of posting like a billion reviews almost worked. Bitch!" (my brother, after my plan to post a billion reviews to hide a movie that I was supposed to watch with him didn't work)
"I will never see One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. It beat Jaws for Best Picture. (Barry, bewilderingly)
"[Gump's] voice is like a cheese grater to the balls." (my brother again)
"Haven't seen it." (Barry, numerous times)
"I thought, 'Ringo doesn't cry!'" (Cory, possibly still crying himself after his failed efforts to get Ringo's autograph)
"If I didn't know any better, I would suspect you of subtly pointing out that I misspelled caricature...and you did it twice!" (a paranoid Cory...or is he?)
"If you had seen [Inception] in a theater, you would have given it a 36." (Cory)
Readers don't get to see all the comments. Anonymous comments, spam. Here are the three best ones:
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"You have a very good blog that the main thing a lot of interesting and useful!" (left by "Order Anti-Depressants")
"You are truly correct with this piece." (left, of course, on the Up post)
Movie That Caused Me to Suffer the Most Abuse from People Who Are Supposed to Love Me: Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas. I need a new family.
Scene That Causes Spontaneous Bits of Giddiness When I Think about It: When the guy in 127 Hours starts hallucinating and imagines that Scooby Doo is with him. That laugh!
Number of Movie Posts in Which I Confused or Asked about Alligators and Crocodiles: 6. 7 if you count this one.
Best Nipples: Leslie Nelson in Day of the Animals! The worst scene with a nipple is probably in Ichi the Killer when a nipple gets sliced off.
Best Fight Scene: So many good ones. Anything with Weng Weng could have won. The fight between a boy with a stick and an alligator (or would that be a crocodile) in Louisiana Story is really a thrilling action sequence. In Night of the Demon, you get a scene where a guy fights a stuffed animal. Leslie Nelson could take this and the nipple category with his fight against a bear in one of the most erotic movie moments I saw this year. Arnold Schwarzenegger also fights a bear in Hercules in New York, although it's really a guy in a bear suit because Arnold doesn't have Nieson's nipple power. Rat Pfink and Boo-Boo also fight a guy in a bear suit. Lots of good kung-fu action--Bruce Lee, Donnie Yen vs. a whole bunch of dudes in Ip Man, the showcase of weaponry at the end of The Legendary Weapons of Kung-fu, several fights in Master of the Flying Guillotine but especially the ones involving the guy who can extend his arms to ten feet, Super Inframan against all those guys in rubber suits. The award, however goes to Lionel and his lawnmower against all those zombies in Dead Alive. Bloodbath-o-rama!
Best Special Effect: A three-way tie because I couldn't decide between the flying horse scene in Ashik Kerib (accomplished with a spinning globe), the woman falling in Day of the Animals (accomplished with a blue screen), and the baby octopus in Octaman. I don't know how that last effect was accomplished.
Movie That Needed Mel Tillis the Most: The King's Speech. Tillis would have brought the laughs.
Number of Movies That I Think Andy Dick Might Have Been In: 17, a new shane-movies record!
Best Giant: John Aasen in Harold Lloyd's Why Worry? despite Richard Kiel's attempts to win the award by popping up in every other movie I watched in December
Best Documentary: Marwencol! Although I also loved Exit through the Gift Shop, Anvil: The Story of Anvil, Why We Fight, Brother's Keeper, Vernon Florida, and I Like Killing Flies.
The Question I Asked My Readers That I'm Disappointed None of Them Answered: Are there any movies with a Whoopi Goldberg nude scene?
The Movie That Should Have Killed Me but Didn't: Teen Wolf, which also started the Urine Couch A.M. Movie Club. All those recurring dreams of dying while van surfing? Watching this at the most dangerous motel in Indianapolis? I risked my life to see shaggy Michael J. Fox dunk basketballs in this one.
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My Favorite Thing I Wrote All Year: "I liked Jafar as a villain. . .but when he turns into a genie and starts making puns that would make C3PO groan, it was clear that the script could use some editing."
Another Time When My Readers Let Me Down: After I asked if anybody wanted to do a "Human Centipede" thing with me for Halloween, I got no responses. None! The offer's still on the table, people.
Best Puppet: I've already mentioned how much I enjoy Emmet Otter's legs, but that little furball had too much competition this year. We had creepy Hugo in Devil Doll, the skeletal creatures and sock caterpillar in Svankmajer's Alice, the wonderful Bilial in Basket Case. Heck, if I can count Mitzi Mozzarella as a puppet, there's even a sort of strip tease in that documentary about Showbiz Pizza's band! But I have to give the award for best puppet to Gordon in Follow That Bird.
Worst Puppet Omission: How could they not put Roosevelt Franklin in Follow That Bird? Is it because they already had Gordon?
Best Shane-Movies Transvestite Experience: Easy. I only had one, the interruption of American Splendor by a transvestite who first wanted stale doughnuts and later wanted to sell me a shrink-wrapped pornographic DVD for five dollars. My biggest regret of the year? Not buying that DVD.
Most Controversial Thing I Typed: "Why was Kevin Costner's wife wearing a beanie at one point?" It was the question that almost destroyed the Oprah Movie Club!
Other Favorite Things That I Wrote This Year (If you can guess the movies correctly in the comments, you can win a prize!):
1. "Next time I'm on an elevator, I'm just going to go ahead and kill everybody just to be on the safe side."
2. "I'm going to try to start my career as a battle rapper."
3. "Halitosis bonerificus!"
4. "I want breasts on my Disney princesses."
5. "I have the hots for Mary-Louise Parker. Don't tell my wife. I can type that because she only skims this crap."
6. "[A titular character] reminds me of my penis."
7. "All I want is a two-hour film in which Renee Zellweger gets beaten with a shovel."
8. "Black people are really dangerous."
9. "[This movie] was the only source Al Gore used for An Inconvenient Truth."
10. [The spanking scene in this movie] reminds me--a baseball coach at my school was telling me today that one of his players couldn't make it to practice because he injured himself by "diving onto his bed with a hard-on," hurting the member."
Amount of Tarkovsky's Movies I Watched After Announcing That I Was Going to Watch All of His Movies Back in January: None.
Number of Movies That Used "Beyond the Sea": 27. This is a real statistic!
Best Sex Scene: Another tough one! Nicolas Cage and Satan (you have to turn your head sideways and squint a little) in the otherwise dreadful Season of the Witch. The wind and door sequence in Out of the Past. The drill/robots sex in Tetsuo. Action hero Tom Griffith's bare-bottomed work in Nightbeast. The great line that ends the scene in Taoism Drunkard: "How is it? Is it comfortable?" Silvano Venturelli and everybody else in The Lickerish Quartet movie. Nic Cage again in Deadfall, a scene with just him and a bed. The scene in Taxidermia that includes a hole in the wall of a barn, lubricant, and a rooster. Bilial in Basket Case or the Fleshapoids with their finger lightning in that Kuchar movie. Those were all good and very very erotic, but the scene that takes the prize? Ashik Kerib's sex scene in which a clown covers a couple with a sheet before a couple guys blow horns and a couple more guys release a bunch of doves. That one wins because it was in a children's movie.
Most Erotic Movie Moment That Isn't Really a Sex Scene: Catherine Keener's delivery of the line "We'll see" in Being John Malkovich. Oh, there's also that scene in The Cat in the Hat where Kelly Preston vacuums somebody. That's hot. And of course, Tippi and those birds.
Best Masturbation Scene in a Motion Picture: C'mon. I still have this award? Somebody needs to take this blog away from me! I would have thought that Natalie Portman, in what would undoubtedly be her proudest moment as an actress, would win this one easily with her masturbation work in The Black Swan. It definitely beats the Randy Quaid/dildo opener of Another Teen Movie and John C. Reilly's work in Cyrus. Crispin Glover doesn't masturbate on screen, but his line about how he doesn't masturbate in Fast Sofa is close enough: "I've never done that. . .thing. That thing with the dolphins and the ponies." There's implied masturbation of a tire in Rubber which is great, and it's fun watching John Waters watching Chucky masturbate in Seed of Chucky ("A masturbating midget!"). But this is all Taxidermia's award for its opening scene (that's right--it opens with this) where a guy ejaculates fire. Sorry, Natalie Portman. Maybe you can try again and win next year!
Movies That Made Me Cry: Make Way for Tomorrow, Edward Scissorhands, Toy Story, Cars, Yellow Brick Road, The Illusionist, Waste Land, Anvil: The Story of Anvil
Best Stunt: The bike stunt from Bad Ronald
Worst Child Actor: Mike "Boys have penises; girls have a vagina" Hughes would take this easily for his work in Kindergarten Cop but had the disadvantage of acting next to Arnold Schwarzenegger which made him look not as bad. Milton Davis Jr. is terrible in Angels in the Outfield, but at least I was convinced he was really a black kid. He pulled off "black kid" pretty well. The kid who played Bodo in Watch on the Rhine though? Eric Roberts couldn't even convince this viewer that he was a kid! A truly awful and irritating performance.
Best Sound Effect: It's got to be the hiccup from Hukkle, my second favorite movie from this year. Although I did like the final sounds in Mongolian Ping Pong and some grunting the The Saragossa Manuscript as well.
Best Monster: This category is tough every year. I'm going with the Watermelon Monster from Taoism Drunkard, but look at these other contenders: the Demon in Night of the Demon, the titular creatures in Attack of the Eye Creatures, Larry Buchanan's other monsters in Zontar--The Thing from Venus and Curse of the Swamp Monster (the monster in the latter is mostly recycled from It's Alive! though), the little uvula-stealing demon in that Miike movie, the Umbrella Monster in that Yokai Monsters movie, rubbery-blubbery Yongary, all those rubber-suited guys in Super Inframan, Ortega from Mixed-Up Zombies, the fearful Manitou, the bunny-exploding tire from Rubber, Octaman, Gooby. That's a nightmarish collection of monsters!
Best Musical Movie Moment: You've got Joe Pesci singing Chuck Berry, a wicked dancing scene in the Greek Dogtooth, another great dance number in Godard's Band of Outsiders, the guy singing "If I Only Had a Brain" in Yellow Brick Road, the piano mayhem near the end of Hausu, Bad Boy Bubby's punk antics? They're all good, but this is the actor known as Lucky Ron's award for his work in Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. His scene as Blind Jimmy Leper is a short one. He enters, scats, and is gone, never (as of right now) making another movie appearance. I'm guessing it's because he knew that he had climaxed, that nothing he ever did again would come close to touching this scene.
Best Animated Movie: Out of the ones I had not previously seen, The Illusionist takes it easily. Beautiful, beautiful movie. I also liked A Town Called Panic, Idiots and Angels, Rango, and Blood and Red String.
Weirdest Thing in Any Movie I Saw This Year: The face groping thing that John Travolta does in Face/Off. What the hell is that?
Best Movie Quote of the Year (not said by Nicolas Cage or Crispin Glover): See if you can guess the movie! No prizes though.
"God called us here to shoot this movie, and we're going to shoot this movie--camera or no camera!"
"You want a taste of my sewage pipe?"
"I am using abdominal language to joke with you."
"And the omelet stinks!"
"Hi, doggy!"
"Have you seen a five-year-old boy, blond hair, and he's wearing a t-shirt that says "bullshit" on it?"
"Remember, Boo-Boo, we only have one weakness--guns!"
"You shouldn't have been from Minneapolis."
"I haven't seen any goats!"
"You're quite a good chicken strangler."
"I'll be like, what time is it? Five o'clock? Damn. Time to rape me some fine bitches." (This one is really special and the one I'll most likely quote at dinner parties.)
"I've seen amputees with better hands than this."
"He had a lot of ukuleles in his trunk."
"Our Father, who art in heaven, you made a jackass out of me for years!" (Leslie Nelson again!)
"Let's shag ass."
Best Nicolas Cage Moment: In a year that included the ongoing Summer of Nicolas Cage, this isn't going to be an easy choice. Watch Vampire's Kiss or Deadfall in their entirety, and you will see Cage at his very best. The reciting of the ABC's and the "I'm a vampire!" scenes in the former and the "What am I--a fucking retard? Huh?" delivery or the awesome karate kick in the latter? Movie magic. Stuff like that is why we watch movies! Other great Nic Cage moments:
"Banana nut--that's a good muffin." (His real best performance in Adaptation. Heck, there are two of him!)
"You know, I can eat a peach for hours." (from Face/Off, and I'd like to meet the woman who isn't turned on by those words)
"Have you ever been taken to the sidewalk and beaten until you pissed blood?" (magical moment from Matchstick Men)
Dozens of Nic Cages on screen at the same time in Next (actually, that's not as euphoric as you'd think)
His sex scene in Drive Angry where he smokes a cigar, drinks whiskey, kills garden-utensil-wielding Satan worshippers, and screws a woman simultaneously
Cage and Tom Waits on the screen at the same time in Rumblefish
Best Scene Featuring an Animal: A cow is eviscerated in Viva La Muerte, rats jump on Roger Barnes' face in Day of the Animals, a guy calls a turtle a gopher in Vernon Florida, Crispin Glover flips out over a bird in Fast Sofa, a turtle is torn to pieces is Cannibal Holocaust, Paris Hilton's face falls off in Repo Man: The Musical, and Gooby wafts his fart. The best animal scene is the elephant funeral in Santa Sangre though. It's one of those can't-believe-this-exists things.
Best Actress: Anna Karina is just so pretty in Band of Outsiders. I just want to squeeze her. Again, I can type things like that because there's no way my wife (or anybody for that matter) will read it. Jennifer Tilly's work in both Seed of Chucky and especially Fast Sofa can't be ignored. Crispin Glover's mom in Willard (Jackie Burroughs) is really awesome, too. But the Best Actress award goes to Helen Lloyd Breed for her one line in Vampire's Kiss. To stand out in a movie where Nicolas Cage is that Nicolas Cagey is award worthy.
Best Actor (Nicolas Cage and Crispin Glover Aren't Allowed in This Category): I saw a lot of my favorites this year--Matti Pellonpaa, Paul Benedict, Klaus Kinski, Peter Stormare. I think David Thewlis in Naked is about as great as it gets, and Richard Beckwith's work as a medium in Night of the Demon really has to be seen to be believed. I really wanted to give this award to Fred Kaz for his work as Noah in ...And God Spoke: The Making of. But Tom Hardy in Bronson was just too mesmerizing and powerful to not win this one.
The Torgo Award (Best Worst Acting Performance): I really would like a woman to win this award some day. Same with the Billy Curtis! And Linda Watkins almost did it as the neighbor in Bad Ronald, most impressive because she doesn't even have a single line! Jake Busey came on strong at the end of the year with the crap he threw on the screen in Fast Sofa. The guys who played "Jim" and "Uncle Dave" in The Attack of the the Eye Creatures (my favorite on-screen error of the year) and Nightbeast were just awful, and believe it or not, Tom Waits could have won this award for his wackiness in Cold Feet ("I'd like some cowpoke stuff."). Arnold delivers a bad performance in Hercules in New York and an even worse one in Kindergarten Cop. But there's just no way anybody is beating Tommy Wiseau in this category. I have trouble imagining anybody being worse than he was in The Room.
The Manos (Best Worst Movie): Tommy Wiseau again with The Room. Not that there wasn't stiff competition. Buchanan's Eye Creatures, Zontar, and Swamp Monster could all three have given him a chance to win his second Manos in a year where I didn't watch The Room. Ray Dennis Steckler's Rat Pfink and Incredibly Strange Creatures are both solid pieces of inept filmmaking. Nightbeast, The Manitou, Hercules in New York, Bad Ronald, Octaman, Day of the Animals. I loved all of those. But they all have one problem--they're not Tommy Wiseau's The Room and therefore can't win the Manos for 2011.
Worst Movie (Bad Worst Movie): Well, I saw The Cat in the Hat on the Urine Couch. No need to count any ballots this year.
Best Movies of the Year (in no particular order): Note--this excludes Naked, Do the Right Thing, Alice, Goodfellas, Rope, Psycho, The Birds, The Royal Tenenbaums, Enter the Dragon (a 20/20 if I ever saw one!), Being John Malkovich, Edward Scissorhands, Double Indemnity, Punch-Drunk Love, Adaptation, One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest, Santa Sangre, Out of the Past, Toy Story, and any other movie I'd previously seen. This is a list of Best Movies New to Shane:
Hukkle
Taxidermia
Make Way for Tomorrow
Ip Man
Ace in the Hole
Ivan's Childhood
Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown
The Cremator
Lenny
Irreversible
The Saragossa Manuscript
Tree of Life
Witness for the Prosecution
The Social Network
Vampire's Kiss
Very Best Movie I Saw This Year: Werckmeister Harmonies
Favorite Crispin Glover Moment: His answer to his mother's "What are you doing in there?" question in Willard: "I'm going potty!"
... and the omelette stinks!
Leningrad Cowboys Meet Moses
1994 sequelRating: 13/20
Plot: It's five years after the Cowboys do America, and the titular worst band in the world have fallen on hard times in Mexico. Tequila has taken the lives of some of the bandmates and gotten the rest of them in trouble. A savior arrives, Vladimir the manager returning after abandoning them at the end of the last movie and "never being heard from again." He's renamed himself Moses and promises to help get the Cowboys back to their native land. Promised land, I guess. Before they depart for Europe, Vladimir steals the Statue of Liberty's nose for reasons that are never explained very well.
What better way to finish off a year of movies than with an Aki Kaurismaki movie? This isn't as solid as the first Leningrad Cowboy movie unfortunately, but it does have my favorite actor Matti Pellonpaa in it and a scattering of funny bits. The musical numbers are all pretty good, my favorite being the one sung by "Elijah," the guy who's chasing them around for most of the movie trying to steal back the nose. That song ("Kili Watch") is just pure bliss. There's a lot of Biblical satire here, some which doesn't work at all. Pellonpaa's quoting of the Bible ("You shall not eat any disgusting thing. Also, you should not cook a kid in his mother's milk." [Wheezy laugh]) is great. The burning bush or water-from-the-rock scenes are a little too silly and random. This is filled with enough absurd comedy to make it worthwhile for fans of the first movie or for Aki Kaurismaki in general, but it's not exactly a great movie.
Hercules in New York
1969 action comedyRating: 4/20
Plot: The titular demigod is bored with life in Olympus, so his father Zeus lightning-bolts him to New York City to teach him a lesson. While in the Big Apple, he becomes a successful wrestler and competitive weightlifter with the help of a nerdy streetwise guy named Pretzie and gets himself a girlfriend. Meanwhile, Zeus sends Mercury and Nemesis to retrieve him.
This is worth watching for fans of Arnold Strong as this is his first film appearance. Or Arnold Stang fans, I guess, if there are any of them out there. I liked him in The Man with the Golden Arm enough. But back to Schwarzenegger, the real star of this show. With the screen presence this guy has in this movie, I'm really surprised he didn't have more of a career in movies. Seems like he could have had a nice career as an action hero or something even though the acting he does in this is embarrassing. He's worse in Kindergarten Cop actually. Here, he doesn't have to do much acting. He just has to be big and strong, and he does a fine job of doing that. Now, the version I watched has Arnold Strong dubbed, allegedly because he was unintelligible when delivering the wonderful dialogue that was written for him. The voice used is odd since we all know what Schwarzenegger sounds like. I watched some bits and pieces of the non-dubbed version for comparison purposes, and Arnold's heavily-accented voice would have been pretty brutal for the duration of this one. Honestly, I think this is kind of a cute idea for a movie, and writer Aubrey Wisberg got a lot of the mythology right. This, by the way, was her last writing credit. The writing's bad, but it's the inept direction that really makes this one special. The poster brags about this being filmed almost entirely in New York. Well, they really should have located a more isolated location for the Olympus scenes since you can hear traffic in the background while Zeus and Juno are bickering. The pacing of the story's awkward. Even more awkward is the amount of screen time devoted to Arnold Strong just standing around flexing. The most awkward of those is when he spots a movie poster as he's walking down the street with his lady friend and starts griping that the actor doesn't even look like him. Of course, he takes off his shirt and starts flexing in order to prove it to her. But the scene that makes this movie? Arnold Schwarzenegger fighting a guy in a bear suit! I had to rewind and watch that epic battle twice just to make sure I really saw it.
Side note: I wish Arnold Schwarzenegger would have stuck with Arnold Strong. It's a lot easier to spell.
Tangled
2010 Disney movieRating: 15/20 (Jennifer: 18/20; Emma: 20/20; Abbey: 20/20)
Plot: Poor Rapunzel. Her fake mother keeps her trapped in a lonely tower in order to take care of the Fountain-of-Youth-like powers of her golden tresses. She watches floating lanterns on her birthday every year, not even aware that they're released by the king and queen for her. A handsome thief stumbles upon her tower while fleeing from a horse, and she sees him as her chance to see the world for the first time.
It's amazing how lively and fresh this one seems for something that borrows so heavily from all the other Disney princess movies. You've got very similar stock fairy tale characters, an anthropomorphized animal sidekick, a big romantic "Whole-New-World-Boat-Ride-Ballroom" scene, action scenes that seem like they could be identical to action scenes from other Disney movies. But this one puts all these pieces together in a way that really works and gives this one some vibrancy. I really like most of the characters. Rapunzel's now getting my vote for hottest Disney princess with those cute big eyes and beautiful hair that she can use to tie you to a chair with if she's feeling frisky. And a makeover at the end makes her even cuter! The guy's that typical bad-guy-only-on-the-outside type, but he's at least a hero you can root for from the beginning until the end of this one. The animated couple has good chemistry, and their developing romance feels more real here, probably because Disney gives it more of a modern spin to appeal more to contemporary kids, than in most of their princess movies. The "mother" bad guy is funny as that typical overly-judgemental and overly-protective mother, and I thought the anthropomorphized horse was fun. This story moves briskly, has action and humor, and has some lovely computer animation. My only complaint would be with the songs which I thought were just awful, the only exception being the big "Dream" number in the pub filled with ruffians. That was a fun scene and included voice work by Brad Garrett, Jeffrey Tambor, and Richard Kiel. That's right--another Richard Kiel spotting.
And now, here's how I'd rank the Disney princesses by how much I would, if I were a cartoon man, want to have sex with them:
1) Rapunzel
2) Mulan
3) Jasmine
4) Ariel with legs and no voice
5) Belle
6) Pocahontas (I've not seen her movie though)
7) Tiana
8) Cinderella pre-transformation
9) Ariel with no legs and a voice
10) Aurora
11) Cinderella after the transformation
12) Snow White
It should be noted that if the fairy godmother counted as a Disney Princess, she would be between Ariel and Jasmine.
How's my list compare to yours?
Fantasy Mission Force
1982 action movieRating: 6/20
Plot: It's World War II, and the Japanese, while attempting to take over the world, have already captured the leaders of France, Germany, England, and America. The latter, it should be mentioned, is Abraham Lincoln. Officials get together to find somebody who can save them and decide that Lieutenant Don Wen is their man. Rejected heroes: "Snake" Plissken, James Bond (the Roger Moore one, if you care), and Rocky Balboa who is not suitable for military action. Wen assembles a ragtag crew to save the world.
Lots of weirdness here with varying degrees of entertainment value. First, if you really need a coherent plot with your action movies, you've just got to avoid this one. It's episodic, and none of the individual episodes really go together in a way that makes sense. Not only that, the individual scenes don't really make much sense on their own. Not to say that this doesn't entertain because bits and pieces of it manage to do just that. You get a musical number, some Benny Hill speeded-up weirdness, a bunch of masked flying Amazon women wielding ribbons, Jackie Chan fighting while holding a chicken, some hopping zombie things, disembodied hands and ghost women in a haunted house, and some Nazi Japanese riding on hoopties that look like they're straight out of a post-apocalyptic action flick. I expected Mel Gibson to waltz in and demand gasoline or something. Almost all of the humor in this falls completely flat, and the characters aren't really interesting at all. Except one: Brigitte Lin's (Bride with White Hair) great as Lily, all in leather and thigh-high boots, winning drinking contests like Indiana Jones' girlfriend and waxing acrobatically. She's fun to watch, as is a fight sequence with Jackie Chan (not really the star of this, by the way) at the end. Ultimately, this one is just too confusing and goofy to be completely entertaining. I'm also pretty positive that this isn't really all that historically accurate either.
The Last Broadcast
1998 horror mockumentaryRating: 8/20
Plot: A documentarian attempts to get to the bottom of the gruesome murders of some public access show hosts looking for the Jersey Devil. It's horrifying!
I want to get settled right off the bat--the only thing that this movie has in common with the far superior Blair Witch Project is that they both have a lot of trees in them. Only a small portion of this is found footage stuff. The rest is complex and gimmicky with all kinds of television trickery and those big sound effects you hear when you're watching those television expose things. The guy making the documentary got on my nerves and misused the word "ironic," and the acting from the rest of the cast was just not good enough to carry this thing. Things get repetitious and tiresome, and there's not a single moment of this where there's any real tension or scares. By the time we get to the big twist at the end, things stop making sense almost entirely. Not only that, it confuses matters by breaking its own pseudo-documentary rules. If anything, this made me appreciate the brilliance of Blair Witch even more. The simplicity of that one, and Paranormal Activity as well, is what makes that one successful. The makers of this one bite off way more than they can chew, and they end up with a big mess.
The Garbage Pail Kids
1987 garbage pail movieRating: 3/20
Plot: A frequently-bullied, delusional kid accidentally frees the seven disgusting titular puppets from their garbage pail prison in a magician's antique store. They wreak havoc in disgusting and unfunny ways.
This came very close to being the first movie in the nearly four year history of this blog to be too embarrassing for me to admit that I watched. I could attempt to justify spending an hour and a half with this movie, one without a single redeeming value, by saying, "Well, I've seen it on some 'Worst Movie of All Time' lists, and I'm on a quest to find the worst movie of all time," but that wouldn't make it any less embarrassing. I could say, "Well, you know. It had puppets in it" or "Hey, I was watching it ironically!" or a variety of other things that would make it a little closer to OK that I watched this, but I don't think anything could make it OK that I watched this. Don't get me wrong! I did learn a couple valuable lessons from this thing: 1) Don't shake hands with Messy Tessy. 2) Don't watch anymore movies produced by the Topps baseball card company. Apparently, there is something more difficult to digest than that nasty gum they included in those card packs. Farts, projectile vomit, puppet rapping. If somebody shoved a copy of this into an 80's time capsule, likely to get rid of it so that none of their friends would catch them with it, then whoever digs that up is going to likely want to invent a time machine just to go back to the mid-80s and eliminate the race of man before this movie or any movie like it could be made. Here, I'll tell you a story to illustrate just how painful and embarrassing the experience of watching this movie is: I saw a can of Pepsi yesterday, remembered that the Pepsi company had for whatever reason decided to include a little product placement in this movie, remembered that I had watched this movie a few days ago, and attempted suicide by running head first into a cement wall. So this movie, out of the hundreds that I've seen and written about on this blog, came the closest to ending my life. True story.
For Your Height Only
1981 little person James BondRating: 5/20
Plot: The evil Mr. Giant has kidnapped some scientist and is planning on using him for some evil plan that never made any sense to me. There's only one little guy who can stop him and his band of ruffians--Agent Double-O! Mayhem ensues.
I've also seen the title of this as For Y'ur Height Only. I'm going to go ahead and go with what's on the poster since, you know, it's actually a real word and all.
A story behind this movie made me laugh. Apparently, Imelda Marcos put together the Manila International Film Festival as a way of showing off Filipino culture. Only one film sold though--this one! I'm sure that made Marcos proud.
This has one heck of a body count. Star Weng Weng (pronounced Wang Wang) kills about as many bad guys as James Bond does in all of those movies combined, I think. He does it with his guns, sure, but also with his lethal little hands and feet. As ridiculous as it might seem to have an action star of his stature (2'9", the shortest leading actor ever [Troyer, by the way, is actually an inch shorter but has never had a starring role.]), the guy moves fluidly, packs a tiny but strong-looking punch, and performs his stunts admirably. I assume it's Weng Weng doing his own stunts anyway. I doubt they found a 2'9" stunt double. That the fight scenes don't look completely ridiculous is really pretty impressive. Well, let me clarify. There are multiple scenes involving Weng Weng scooting across the floor and shooting people. It's like his signature move. And it's cool and all, but he's got to be covered in butter or something in order for that to happen. Still, I'm not knocking this little guy's action chops, and if you saw this bitchin' jump/kick/shoot thing, you wouldn't either. The makers utilize Weng Weng's stature to the fullest, and part of his spy skills involve him being able to get into places that spies of a regular stature wouldn't be able to squeeze into. One great scene involves Weng Weng climbing through an opening at the top of a fence. A pedestrian (an actual pedestrian, not a film extra) spots him and looks really confused. Mostly, this is played pretty straight with more than its fair share of sight gags. Sure, there's some silliness. For one, it rips off the James Bond theme which seems pretty ballsy to me. There's a Stooge-esque pie-throwing scene, an X-ray glasses gag that ended with Weng Weng covering his mouth to conceal a Pillsbury giggle (legendary, by the way), a scene involving a lethal flying hat that ended with that same giggle, and a scene where he uses a jet pack that forced me to conceal a little giggle. Other silliness involving a telecommunications device that is essentially a mirror with lights around it with a nearby action figure, the surprise of seeing the main villain Mr. Giant for the first time near the end of the movie, and a scene straight from Mary Poppins that had to have been extremely dangerous for the little dummy they used in Weng Weng's place made it difficult to take this seriously as an action movie. The numerous scenes where Weng Weng essentially trips a villain and incapacitates him also don't seem all that realistic. The real nuttiness is with the dubbing or poorly translated dialogue. I'm sure it's poorly translated anyway because I'm sure the people responsible for writing For Your Height Only had a top-notch script that would make the Philippines and Imelda Marcos proud. But check out these gems:
"Don't be a nosy Parker, Paco."
"Talk! Talk or you'll eat lead!" (Actually, you need to hear the dubbed bad guy voices. They all sound like they're straight out of 1950's gangster movies.
(Weng Weng's boss when going over the weapons/gadgets) "I like how you pay attention."
Or take this dialogue:
Big boss man: Nobody could begin to guess. There's a lot of dough in this dough. The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. Happy pushing. Happy pushing. The boss says to cover every kindergarten...and sandbox. We're gonna teach them something about pleasure.
A subordinate: Yeah, but what if Double-O should appear, huh?
Big boss man: You blast him into another world. You kill him. There's always a way.
This was another nice exchange, and I wonder if the translators rhymed intentionally or not:
Subordinate: He's a mass killer, that Double-O. Who will be the next to go?
Big boss man: I said shut your hole!
Or the line after they find a signalling device on the hot little female spy? "So this is how you communicate with your little Weng." Come on! Remember, it's pronounced to rhyme with dang.
Another good one:
Guy 1: That little man has done it to us again. He's made a monkey out of the forces of evil. He's as slippery as an eel. How the devil do you hold on to an eel?
Guy 2: To be beaten by a lousy eel! We must get him at all cost!
Guy 3: I declare war on that little stinker!
But nothing beats this exchange which might be the best dialogue I've ever heard in a Filipino little person spy movie:
Woman: You're a great person, ya know.
Weng Weng: You don't have to say. It ain't the size. It's the way you use it.
Woman: Maybe, but are you a sexual animal?
Weng Weng: I don't know.
Woman: I'm crazy about you, Agent Double-O. Why, I don't know. Maybe it's the way you strut your stuff. You know sex is like tequila. Take one sip and you're a goner.
Weng Weng: Shall we get it on?
Woman: Yes, darling. Bare your bod.
All in all, I really enjoyed this fun little (no pun intended) movie and look forward to seeing this pint-sized badass ("Pettite, like a potato," as one character says) in the handful of other actioners he starred in.
Witness for the Prosecution
1957 courtroom dramaRating: 18/20 (Jen: 18/20)
Plot: Sir Wilfrid isn't supposed to be taking any stressful cases following a heart attack. Of course, he's not supposed to be drinking or smoking cigars either. So when a juicy murder case falls into his lap, he can't help himself. Married inventor Leonard Vole has been arrested for the murder of an old woman. He claims he's innocent, and his wife helps back up an alibi. But when the trial begins and the wife takes the stand as the main titular witness for the prosecution, things might get more stressful than Sir Wilfrid imagined.
This Wilder/Christie piece is an enormously entertaining courtroom drama with a little dark humor thrown in. It'll appeal if you're looking for a twisty and turny mystery or if you're looking for a fun character study. Charles Laughton's Wilfrid is just the type of character I really like--kinda violent and really surly, the old guy I'll eventually be provided I live that long. Tyrone Power and Marlene Dietrich get top billing here, but this is really Laughton's show, especially in the early going. Don't get me wrong--Dietrich is really good, too, in this multi-dimensional role. Power? He could have been anybody and probably gets in the way too much if you want to be honest. The writing sparkles, lots of wit and irony. One line that I liked was when Laughton compliments Vole by telling him he thinks like a criminal. Pretty brilliant writing. The twists in this work which is really something considering how much time has passed and how much stuff like this has been duplicated. I won't type anymore because that poster up there is telling me not to. The poster up there also calls this "the most electrifying entertainment of our time," and although I'm not sure if that's entirely accurate, everything Billy Wilder does could be described as electric and entertaining. Subtly electric!
I should point out that Jennifer claimed right after the opening credits that she had the whole mystery figured out. She wouldn't elaborate, probably because she didn't want to ruin things for me. At the end of the movie, after the last big twist, she started laughing maniacally and then ran circles in the yard.
Fast Sofa
Rating: 10/20
Plot: Gary Busey's son cheats on his girlfriend with a porn actress and then embarks on a road trip to meet said porn actress at a shoot. Along the way, he picks up a bird-obsessed virgin named Jules, and they have some adventures.
So do you think I watched this for the Jennifer Tilly bondage scenes or the Crispin Glover? Either way, I would have left satisfied. If I had watched this for some kind of plot, I would have been completely disappointed though. There is a lot of Crispin though, red-headed and lazy-eyed. It's a juicy part for him, a neurotic character with all kinds of opportunities to be awkward and strange. His best moment is a freak-out in a bird shop, but he gets a great line with "I've never done that. . .thing. That thing with the dolphins and the ponies." And of course he's talking about masturbation. If you're a Crispin Glover fan, you probably need to watch this just to get the chance to watch him bowl. And if you're a fan of Jennifer Tilly's boobs, you need to see this because there's some screen time for them. You don't get to see Jennifer Tilly bowl though, so don't get overly excited. And if you're a fan of Jake Busey? Well, you must like terrible acting, and with his performance here, you are getting the best of the worst. Not only is he a bad actor, he doesn't really get anything to work with. Nothing he does seems natural anyway, but when he's telling his girlfriend that something is in the refrigerator and then adding that it's "in the kitchen"? Or when he's answering Adam Goldberg's gripe about some sunglasses ("They're too big and they say 'Disco' all over them.") with "Those glasses rule!"? Or when he's justifying cheating on his girlfriend by saying, "It's nothing to do with us. It was crucial and hilarious." I'm not making that up. Somebody wrote that for Jake Busey to say. "It's crucial and hilarious." Not only that, he uses the word "crucial" at least two other times, once in trying to convince Crispin Glover's character to drink water. Later, he defends pornography by saying, "It's hilarious. It's porno. That's what America's about--Freedom." Porn is apparently hilarious but not crucial. Despite a wide variety of flaws, I enjoyed watching Fast Sofa. I would have enjoyed it more without the artsy and pointless split screen stuff that dominated the second half of the movie although without it, I wouldn't have gotten the opportunity to see more than one Crispin Glover on my screen at the same time.
Enter the Dragon
Rating: 17/20
Plot: Bruce Lee's recruited to participate in a martial arts tournament on an island to check out what's really going on there with Han, an alleged criminal with an array of fake hands. He meets some new friends and kicks some ass.
Less a traditional chop-suey flick than a James Bond-esque excursion with Bruce's pectoral and abdomen muscles replacing 007's gimmicks. This movie actually doesn't need a plot; it's all about Bruce Lee's presence. Whenever Lee's on the screen in this, it's impossible to take your eyes off him. You don't even want to blink. He's just so quick and so powerful, and his every gesture is like a work of art. Lee's the focus of Enter the Dragon, and he fills the screen, always right in the center. And I'm not a homosexual or anything, but what a physical specimen this guy was. Enter the Dragon takes a while to build with all this plot stuff and character development getting in the way, but it's all undeniably cool. You get a cool cast with Chinese Hercules himself Bolo Yeung, a different kind of physical specimen but always fun to see; Robert Wall, one of the seventh funkiest white men to ever live; super-suave John Saxon; cooler-than-cool black samurai Jim Kelly; and the nearly-recognizable Kien Shih/Shih Kien with all those "hand" weapons including, I think, a rake attachment. How cool would a Han action figure be, by the way? One Han gripe: He swipes at Bruce Lee pretty well and scratches him up a bit, the only character in the movie to really do any damage to the hero. There's one scene where he sneaks up behind him and cat-scratches him. Why didn't he just stab him there? Once the action in this one gets going, it's a lot of fun watching Bruce Lee slink around, but the real excitement comes in the thrilling final twenty-five minutes, building to a Lady of Shanghai-like hall of mirrors sequence which would have caused me to cream my jeans if I hadn't just seen him doing his nunchaku thang a few minutes earlier and already shot my wad. And if I even owned a pair of jeans to cream. Some early philosophical mumbo-jumbo doesn't distract from the central message of Enter the Dragon: Bruce Lee is a total badass.
Dragon Wars: D-War
2007 fightin' dragon movieRating: 4/20
Plot: A reporter who coincidentally happens to be the reincarnation of a wizard's nipple investigates some dragon business. He has to locate Sarah, the reincarnation of some dragon princess or something, in order to save Los Angeles from dragon fury. D-War!
It looks as if South Korea spent a ton to make this movie which possibly makes them some of the dumbest people on earth. Here's how the pitch probably went:
Guys with idea for a dragon movie: OK, so we need approximately a zillion dollars.
Studio executive: A zillion dollars? (taps pen on desk) That seems like an awful lot of money.
Guys with idea for a dragon movie: Well, we've got a golden idea!
Studio executive: Fine, let's here what you've got.
Guys with zillion dollar dragon movie idea: OK, so it's called Dragon Wars and the whole thing's about these. . .
Studio executive: (breaking pen in half with excited fingers) Hold on right there! Did you say Dragon Wars? We're in!
Because who needs a story, right? You've got fucking dragons fighting in Los Angeles! All you need are some big special effects, some loud noises, and an audience dumb enough to pay for movie tickets. This certainly is a big, loud movie. And you know what? I'm just going to say it. People who enjoy this movie are probably really dumb. I don't even care if I just offended any of my 4 1/2 readers. I don't feel like wasting time typing coherent thoughts, so here's a list of this movie's offenses in no particular order:
--Two narrators within the first three minutes--that's two narrators too many!
--At 6:45, we get a flashback. At 11:20, we get a flashback for the character who is having a flashback. Then, a little later, there's a flashback within a flashback within a flashback. Come on! I can't keep up with all that!
--Imoogi. Enough said. The thing's called Imoogi.
--Quick edits during the action scenes made me dizzy and sick to my stomach.
--The bad guy makes me laugh everything that I see him. He's taking his bad-guy-ness way too seriously and should not be walking around Los Angeles dressed like that. And his magic sword thing? I really got sick of seeing that one.
--Terrible acting that doesn't mesh with the big, big effects. You'll have a giant dragon bursting through a building, and then, not exactly with good timing, a very staged reaction. It's almost like there wasn't even a real giant dragon!
--A kissing scene on the beach? Sure, why not?
--The special effects are ugly and unnatural. The dragon slithering through streets left blurs of damage, but it didn't look good at all. The dragon stuff looked fine. The setting detail around the dragons? Not so much.
--There's a fucking dragon wrecking Los Angeles and nobody seems to know about it? What the hell? The characters say, "There was a rumor that a dragon knocked down an entire hospital but we can't verify it." That doesn't make any sense!
At one point, one of the characters says, "None of this makes sense." I agreed completely. I never thought I'd find a movie that made me wish I was watching one of the Transformers, but this one did. This movie made me angry, and I don't think I'll be seeing a Korean monster movie for a very long time after this trio of crappy movies.
Yongary, Monster from the Deep
1967 monster movieRating: 6/20
Plot: Yongary, a monster from the deep, is awakened and goes on a rampage, inspiring a video game with the same name. Rampage. The South Korean people do their best impression of scared Japanese people and flee before trying to fight the thing with toy tanks. [SPOILER ALERT!] And itching powder.
I thought I'd go ahead and make it a trifecta of Korean monster movies since nothing puts me in the Christmas spirit more than Korean monster movies. This baby's from South Korean, and nobody, as far as I know, was kidnapped and ordered to make this movie. Nope, somebody made Yongary on his own which, in a way, is even sadder. This is a really cheap production, presumably because South Korea is poor. I can understand a production company not being able to afford a real rocket, or even a realistic rocket, but to not be able to afford a real sky? The miniatures in this are charming. My favorite thing about those is how there are some things that don't even need to be fake that for some reason still are. I guess they wanted everything to look fake. I'm not sure which is worse actually--the miniatures or the big lizard. Actually, maybe things are really made like that in South Korea, so I'm not even sure I can knock the miniatures, but that Yongary needs to eat more. He's very rubbery and way too skinny and for most for the majority of the movie, he shows no personality at all. Until a scene where he starts dancing that is. I'm not sure what's going on there. I'm also not real sure what was going on with the editing in some of these scenes. There's one where you see a blue jeep driving along and then it cuts to one of the passengers making a face. Then, you hear a screeching tire sound before the vehicle makes a fiery tumble down a cliff. And then you hear the screeching tire sound again. Another weird scene--at about the 51 minute mark a character says his line twice, almost like they cut and reshot that part and forgot to remove one of them. I can forgive all that though, especially since I knew exactly what I was getting into with an especially cheap rubber monster movie. What I can't forgive is the child actor in this one, a kid who had me screaming at my screen, "C'mon, Yongary! Get him! Get that little bastard!" I don't have any tolerance when it comes to bad child acting anyway, but this kid was especially unpleasant. Also bothersome [SPOILER ALERT!]: a ridiculous and silly ending in which itching powder of all things does the monster from the deep in. Itching powder? Come on! Not only itching powder though. No, this is itching powder that apparently leads to rectal bleeding. Oh, well. At least it made the kid sad for a while. Not long though because he was back to grinning like a moron a few seconds later. I would have liked to have seen more of the filthy "Repent, you sinners!" guy, by the way. If there's a sequel to this silliness, he should be given a more prominent role.
Pulgasari
1985 monster movieRating: 10/20
Plot: In an oppressive regime, a jailed blacksmith makes a doll out of rice, probably because he doesn't have anything else to do. When that doll comes in contact with the blacksmith's daughter's blood, it comes to life, and when it starts eating metal, it grows to an immense and destructive size.
The story behind the making of this is probably more interesting than the movie. The South Korean director, Shin Sang-ok, was kidnapped by North Korea, orders from none other than Kim Jong Il. And then he was forced to make this movie with the help of folk from Toho studio. The movie itself is really kind of dull, a boring entry in the guy-in-rubber-suit-wreaking-havoc genre. The thinly-veiled communism allegory makes it all a little more interesting, but the monster itself is a little stiff and without much personality. The adult Pulgasari anyway, as the little baby one that munches on sewing needles and door locks is about as cute as a fierce monster can be. He's also possibly retarded, and I can justify the use of that word here because what Kim Jong Il did in his career as a dictator is a whole lot worse. This has some really poor fight scenes with all those 1970's martial arts movie sound effects. The whole thing has a much older feel actually, so much that I wondered just how long Kim Jong Il had been in power before noticing this movie comes from the mid-80s. The movie takes a very long time to get going and as a whole is nearly as stiff as Pulgasari. I'll say this though--I was impressed with the amount of extras involved in this production. The battle scenes were epic!
True Stories
1986 movieRating: 13/20 (Jen: 10/20)
Plot: Talking Head David Byrne visits a Texas town on its sesquicentennial as its inhabitants prepare for a talent show. One of those inhabitants, Louis Fyne, looks for love.
Band Radiohead nabbed its name from this movie.
This is a mess of a movie, but it's an interesting enough failure, probably one that would appeal to those in tune with Mr. Byrne than those who aren't. Like the Heads' music, this one kind of has its own rhythm, one that does quite fit in with pop movies like the Heads' quirks make them one of pop music's more unlikely successes. If I had to pick a movie this reminded me of, it would be Soderbergh's Schizopolis, although this is a lot less subversive. There's almost a documentary feel to the movie with a sprinkling of satire about life in small town America. Byrne's narration, mostly from a red car which contrasts sharply with the Texas landscape, is humorously naive, and his costumes are goofy and fun. Being a musical guy, director/star Byrne gives his characters multiple opportunities to sing or, in one memorable scene, lip sync. There's a lot of clever in this, but you have to wade through a lot of clumsiness to get there, and I don't imagine it'll be worth it for too many people. John Goodman lumbers as enthusiastically through this as he does in that Bob Dylan mess, Masked and Anonymous. Spalding Gray also makes an appearance. I can't say I completely understood what Byrne's intentions were with this thing, but I did enjoy watching parts of it.
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