Selma

2014 drama

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Martin Luther King, Jr. and other Civil Rights leaders try to get equal voting rights in Alabama. A historic march from Selma to Montgomery winds up leading to the invention of rap music.

There's nothing wrong with this movie. The acting is fine. David Oyelowo has to be brave to take this role, and I like how he doesn't really do a King impression here. The movie shows the historical figure as a man rather than a saint or a guy with his own holiday. Oyelowo plays an actual human being, and I think the subdued performance with a script that doesn't really include all that many giant movie moments probably makes the movie better. I thought Tim Roth was really good. What I like best about this movie is the look of the thing. It's too glossy to be a documentary, but there's a dustiness to the South here, and the whole thing feels dream-filtered. I liked the colors a lot. And this is a story that I'm glad was told, but I didn't think the movie was all that engaging. It kind of tells the story exactly as you imagine it would tell the story. It's sad only because you know it's supposed to be sad, and its biggest moments are big only because you know they're supposed to be big. Frankly, I got a little bored with the whole thing, and I hope that doesn't make me a racist.

Bad Movie Club: Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone

1983 sci-fi movie

Bad Movie Rating: 2/5 (Fred: 3/5; Libby: 3/5; Bryan: 4/5 [not sure he really watched it with us though]; Josh: 2/5; Ratboy: 0/5; Kristen: 2/5; Alicia: no rating; Jeremy: no rating; Johnny: did not finish)

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Some nondescript hero and Molly Ringwald try to rescue some women from some clamp-handed villain with a giant belt buckle.

I'll start by pointing out that we didn't see this in 3-D. In fact, we really didn't see it at all because the picture was way too dark. Bryan warned us after we started rolling that this wasn't really a bad movie, and it really wasn't. In fact, I think I would have really dug this one with its Mad Max vibe even thought Peter Strauss is a poor substitute for Max and Molly Ringwald was a really obnoxious 15 year old. I'm not sure the script actually called for her to screech all her lines like a bratty teenager or if that was just her own artistic decision, but it made me want to turn the sound down. Michael Ironside plays the villain because that's what Michael Ironside does. His look is interesting enough although you're really never clear about his motivation. There are cool-looking sets and a handful of interesting ideas in this otherwise very-80's sci-fi/post-apocalyptic film.

THX 1138

1971 science fiction movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: In a dystopian future where hair has been outlawed, Robert Duvall gets bored and decides to go watch a sunset.

It's interesting to see this work from George Lucas back when he was more interested in being like Godard than in making blockbusters. I hadn't seen this in a while, apparently before the director decided to do what George Lucas does best--fiddle-faddle with his own work. Things are still minimalistic, to me the most stunning thing about this, but there are some backgrounds than seem altered and a CGI monkey man that is just plain ugly. Reverse opening credits, a great use of sound, music that is at its best when it clashes with what is going on visually, a languid pace, a climactic car chase that shows off editing chops. Watching this in the early-70s, I'd imagine that people could see a revolutionary mind behind it all. Watching it in a post-Jar-Jar world, it's like this fascinating artifact that shouldn't even exist. I mean, what in this thing really foreshadows the Star Wars saga? Here, Lucas's is thematically subtle, and special effects are really kept to a minimum. The plot's half asleep, and most of the movie feels extraneous. Nothing about the movie really seems like it was made for an audience at all. Like a movie called THX 1138 is going to find an audience. Of course, there are those metal-faced policeman things that do, especially with the way they talk, kind of remind me of Stormtroopers. And there's something about the world-building here, how it all starts in medias res, that reminds me a little of A New Hope where it just jumps right into things and expects you to catch up as it goes along. There's less moisture farming in this one though. I'm not even sure this movie has moisture. It has a lot of bald heads though. The obvious connection there is Lobot:

There's also this perverse angle to this that makes you want to pay attention more--mentions of sexual misconduct and libido levelers, nude dancing bald African American women and the use of masturbation machines. Seriously, this movie has a masturbation machine. For whatever reason, it's hard for me to believe that this is even Robert Duvall in this movie even when he's on the screen right in front of my eyes. It's also got favorites Sid Haig and Donald Pleasence, the latter who has a great scene where he reacts to watching a pair of people doing it. The whole thing adds up to something that, for large chunks, is a little boring and won't appeal to a whole lot of people. But for fans of Star Wars and George Lucas, it's really fascinating to see where it all started.

Witching and Bitching

2013 horror comedy

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Some thieves run into some witches.

First, the title. Right now, I can't think of a worse title. Witching and Bitching? Nobody wants to see a movie called that. I don't know this director, Alex de la Iglesia (Alex of the Church), but I'm intrigued by this enough to check out more of his stuff. This is really multiple films in one, for better or worse. It starts like a darkly comedic heist film, very vibrant and modern. That jumpy modern editing distracted me, but it's hard to argue with a golden street-performing Jesus with a shotgun. Or that Minnie Mouse who looked a little like a stuffed animal you might have won at a carnival after it spent five or so years in your attic. Or that Invisible Man whose slapsticky collision with a pole made me laugh out loud and then immediately feel silly about it. Oh, sorry. This is a Spanish film, so it's actually Hombre Invisible. Hombre Invisible and Minnie Mouse are both played by little people, Nacho Braun and Fabian Augusto Gomez. Now, Nacho Braun might be the best name I've ever heard in my entire life, but knowing that it's the name of a little fellow? That makes it even better. The goofball scenario during the first third of the film, with its heist and its car chasin' and shoot-'em-ups, is fun enough, but things get even wackier in the second third with skirt-lifting old women and weird guys suggesting that "The Devil has no tail and his pussy's like a cave." I wonder about the translation for that subtitle actually. Another character claims, "I'm not afraid of witches, but I'm afraid of bad motherfuckers," which I think would look great on a tombstone. There's suggested cannibalism, and probably one of the most horrifying bathroom scenes I've ever seen. And I've experienced troughs at both Wrigley Field and the Indianapolis Motor Speedway! During this second chunk of Witching and Bitching (uggh), things seem to be threatening to transform into Evil Dead II-esque shenanigans which I, of course, would have welcomed. Unfortunately, it evolves into a third act that doesn't make a lot of sense and just keeps getting uglier and uglier. CGI effects get worse and worse, and the whole thing turns into an incomprehensible mess. With lard. This thing's in it:

No, it's still not as horrifying as urinating in a trough at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, but it's not pleasant. As an effect, it reminded me of something you'd see in a live-action Scooby Doo movie, and I don't mean that in a good way. The movie kind of wears out its welcome by the end, and some its best ideas--like the father/son dynamic--aren't fully realized. It's a semi-entertaining mess of a movie though.

Dolls

1987 horror movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Some people with car trouble wind up at a creepy house with creepy old people who have a collection of creepy toys. And those toys, of course, start killing everybody.

From the mind of Stuart Gordon of Re-Animator fame, this is never is really anything new but winds up entertaining enough with a balance of horror and comedy. And you're satisfied on some cinematic moral level because everybody in this movie gets exactly what he or she deserves. I always appreciate when horror movies and their killers seem to be doing their deeds for moral reasons. It makes me feel better about all the blood, I guess. I really enjoyed the special effects. Doll movement, at times, filled the screen, and although things dragged a little bit when the dolls weren't up to no good, the times we did get to see them made up for it. Although pulling off creepiness with doll imagery doesn't necessarily seem that difficult--it's like using clowns--Gordon and his special effects wizardry pull off some unique stuff here. The opening credits feature disembodied doll heads, and I'm not sure there's anything out there that is that creepy without being designed to be creepy at all. Oh, and somebody named Fuzzbee Morse did the music for this. It makes me like humanity a little more knowing that somebody named a child Fuzzbee. With a wacky Teddy hallucination, some freaky doll effects, creepy old people, a great old house setting, and a twisted little sense of humor, Dolls is a cult classic that doesn't quite have a cult.

Wild

2014 drama

Rating: 11/20 (Jen: 14/20)

Plot: A woman walks the Pacific Coast Trail all by herself. It's wild!

I didn't like this woman. What am I supposed to be celebrating here? In the walking scenes, she's annoying and seems to think she's the center of the universe. One of her first encounters is with a farmer, and the interaction between the two of them was almost painful. It went a little something like this:

Farmer: [Farming/Tractoring]
Reese Witherspoon: Hey! Stop farming and look at me!
Farmer: What?
Reese: I'm walking the PCT [hated her more every time she said it this way] for really no reason at all, and I've planned very poorly and am really not equipped to do something like this. So I'm going to need you to stop what you're doing and take care of me.
Farmer: What? Are you serious?
Reese: Me! Me!
Farmer: Ok, but I'm going to do it while looking slightly rapey.
Reese: That's fine. I have a giant whistle. Well, obviously I have a giant whistle since, as you can see, I am carrying around everything I own on my back.
Farmer: [Rapey glances]
Reese: C'mon, man. Hurry it up. I'm hungry.

Then, we discover through all these fragmented flashbacks that Reese Witherspoon is a drug-addicted whore. But at least she had a good reason to start doing heroin and acting all slutty. Her mom died. That's probably what Elton John really meant when he was singing about the "Circle of Life" in The Lion King. I thought she became more and more unlikable as her journey went on and her past became more clear. Even though I knew it was impossible because this is based on the real Cheryl Strayed's book about her experiences, I was kind of hoping this would end like Into the Wild did. And I kept wondering how this movie would have been received if the protagonist would have been a male and exactly what kind of message this sends. Would a man who cheated on his wife repeatedly while in some sort of drugged haze be celebrated in the same way? Is this journey the accomplishment that it is because she's a woman and women are not expected to take on such endeavors? I think the message is really unclear here, and the movie's almost entirely devoid of drama.

Bad Movie Club: The Killing of Satan

1983 religious movie

Bad Movie Rating: 4/5 (Ratboy: 3/5; Bryan: 1/5; Libby: 1.5/5; Johnny: 4/5; Josh: 4/5; Fred: 4/5; Kristen: fell asleep; Jeremy: no rating; Larry: unable to finish)

Rating: 5/20

Plot: After a guy named Lando's daughter is whisked away by a cult and taken to an island, he enlists the help of Rando (I am not shitting you) to rescue her and kill the Prince of Magic and Satan. The devil is no match for all that denim, a magic staff, and elbow power.

Here's this movie's Satan:

Here's the Prince of Magic:

And here's our hero, Lando (not to be confused with Rando):

The Prince of Magic can make people spin around really fast and also shoots lasers out of his hands. Lando can shoot spiraling laser stuff out of his elbow and has a mustache. Satan has a pitchfork and an impressive special effects team behind him. And if you don't think this all sounds awesome, you are probably dead inside. I don't believe I've ever seen a movie from the Philippines that has disappointed me. That's probably what you'd expect from the country that brought us Weng Weng. This is wall-to-wall cheapo weirdness. There are naked women in cages; a great boulder-smashing scene; snake people; an epic staring contest; a creepy little mute kid who Bryan was convinced was going to end up being Satan, Shammalammadingdongily; and cheek tearing. It's all strangely entertaining, almost otherworldly filmmaking. The guy who plays Lando is named Ramon Revilla, and isn't really the prototypical action hero exactly. Except when he's running around screaming, "Where are you, Satan? Come out and fight!"

If anybody wants to know what Bad Movie Club is all about, here's a 2-minute clip that about sums it up. The aforementioned epic staring contest starts around the 35 second mark. You should watch this 6 times.

Gettysburg

1993 war movie

Rating: 13/20

Plot: The Powers That Be decide that a Civil War is a bad idea for any country, especially one that should want to start stockpiling nuclear weapons in a historical pissing contest with the Soviet Union. Somebody comes up with a plan to save lives and end the war--a Beard Off! The Union and Confederacy gather their most dazzling examples of facial hair and get ready to square off in what I believe is Pennsylvania. I never really had a decent history class. Unfortunately, men with bitchin' beards and mustaches do what men with bitchin' beards and mustaches do--start shooting at each other.

This movie is really boring, and honestly, if it wasn't for the facial hair, I don't think it would be worth watching. Full disclosure: I'm not really a fan of history movies. And hold on--while we're fully disclosing, I should probably let you know that I didn't even watch all of this movie but chose to write about it anyway. This was something we showed the kids at school because our testing schedule gave one class way too much free time. They were bored out of their minds and kept asking where Vin Diesel was. I kept saying, "He isn't in this movie! Shut your traps!" Then, we sat and watched a bunch of guys with kickass staches and beards deliver soliloquy after soliloquy, position themselves like they were in some sort of chess game that was more boring than actual chess games, and every once in a while shoot at something. There was always the promise of a big battle scene, but once all the killing started, it was exactly what you'd expect from a battle scene that took place 150 years ago before there were tanks and machine guns. Or lasers. Or Tauntauns. That's what Gettysburg needed! Sam Elliott on a Tauntaun! The human part of me kept wanting to apologize to my students for having to watch this, but then the cynical part of me chimed in with, "These little fools deserve this! Let them suffer through a movie about Gettysburg that seems longer than the battle of Gettysburg!" It was kind of cool that this was all filmed on the actual battlefield, making this one of the worst things that's ever happened there if not the very worst.

All 13 points I gave this movie are for the facial hair.

Bad Movie Club: Prisoners of the Lost Universe

1983 fantasy thing

Bad Movie Rating: 2/5 (Fred: 2/5; Kristen: 1/5; Josh: 2/5; Johnny: 2/5; Libby: 3/5; Jeremy: no rating)

Rating: 6/20

Plot: A "scientist" and two "people" get too close to a fuzzy laser ray and are zapped to another dimension. How will they ever get back? And are they going to have sex?

I was totally excited about cosplaying as characters in this movie at the next Geek Convention here in Indianapolis. I hope I'm using that verb correctly. No, none of us really liked this movie all that much, but if all I need is a pair of jeans and a flannel shirt to nail an awesome character, it's hard to resist. This movie's almost entertaining as a good-bad movie. I mean, there is a Manbeast. There's also a green guy, apparently named The Greenman. John Saxon hams it up admirably as the main bad guy, and Kay Lentz does her best Kate Capshaw impression as our heroine. Studly Richard Hatch dons that flannel to play Dan Roebuck, hero extraordinaire. The whole thing has a very made-up-as-we-go feel and is never really as fun as it should be. There's a little fellow named Malachi because lost universes always have to have little fellows. He was played by Peter O'Farrell who was also in one of the Harry Potter movies and Legend. He also played Toulouse-Latrec in a documentary. Yeah, I don't know either.

Beyond the Black Rainbow

2010 sci-fi thriller

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A woman tries to leave some sort of research facility where a guy who may or may not have hair experiments on her.

If this movie's a complete failure, it's at least a very interesting complete failure. This is really moody, surreal, and strange, and folks who prefer their science fiction dramas to actually, you know, make damn sense should probably not bother. It's visually entrancing, and it's paced like one of the goals of Panos Cosmatos was to hypnotize you. Panos, by the way, was the son of a guy who directed at least one Rambo movie, and this is about as far from Rambo as you can possibly get. There are some characters in a later scene in this movie who look like they would enjoy a Rambo movie though. They're listening to a band called Notorious Anus, or at least I think that's what it said on the cassette. Cassette! One of them--Skinny Hesher, played by Gerry South--needs to be the main character in a prequel. Any character who says "Who'd want that two-inch blood bat?" (almost makes sense in context) and "Fuck, my left ball hurts a little" and almost nothing else before being whacked is a good character in my book. There are some other odd, almost funny moments that seemed to clash with the starkness and general malaise. Another line--"Bring home the motherlode, Barry."--actually made me giggle, and I also laughed at the way the antagonist said, "The Devil's Teardrop." It was just so goofy. Or this sequence:

Barry's wife: What are you dong?
Barry: [mumbles}
Then--appliances!

I'm sorry I put that there. It doesn't make any sense without the context. It barely makes sense in context!

Oh, and a scene where Barry is driving, turns and sees himself with the "appliances" and says, "You are doing so good." It's hard during some of this to not see this as a comedy actually. But it really isn't. The creepiness is very artificial but palpable. It's creepy visually, and it's creepy sonically. The score is by Sinfonia Caves, all moogy and mysterious and foreboding. Everything's fucking grainy, like Eraserhead or Begotten rubbed all over it, and the whole thing, with its Tron lights and Arboria infomercial that starts the movie (a scene that hooked me instantly because of the doctor's hairstyle), and all the washed-out blues and reds. The color's off-putting. Or maybe it's the lack of color in a lot of scenes that is off-putting. But it's all off-putting in a good way, at least if you're attracted to off-putting works of art. This is definitely a movie I'm glad I watched (on Josh's recommendation, by the way), but it's definitely the type of thing you have to be in the mood for. It's almost too abstract, kind of like Under the Skin, and therefore very difficult. And there are references to Reagan which, along with a scene where a Speak and Spell calls Barry, makes it even more 80s-ish. And makes me wonder what is going on thematically. I think Reagan's important, but I'm just not real sure how.

Also--there's a William S. Burroughs allusion that made me smile.

I think I'd like to see this one again, but not for a while.

The Babadook

2014 horror movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A creepy pop-up book stalks a widow and her young, misbehaving son. Then, something called The Babadook shows up and terrorizes the pair.

As you might know if you've read stuff I've written about other horror movies, I like when my movie monsters best when they're standing in for something more realistic. It's not that a monster that is just a monster isn't capable of entertaining me, but those symbolic monsters add a depth and a realism. The symbolism here is almost too obvious, but it really works to give the ending of this thing a rewarding philosophical depth. If that Babadook--admittedly, sort of a dopey name--was just a monster, this would still mostly work as the top-hatted, oily creature, whether in children's book for or materialized in the pair's home is creepy and cool, like an Edward Gorey character brought to animated life. I'm not sure if he's nearly as terrifying as the little kid in this though. I'm not sure how effective your horror movie is if a first grader out-scares the title monster. Of course, if you've spent a lot of time with first graders, that probably won't surprise you. But seriously, if I have nightmares about this movie, it'll be because of Noah Wiseman's eyes rather than the Babadook. Throw this kid Samuel in with all those other classic horror movie kids. I like how this manages to creep you out without a lot of tricks. There's a visual style to the storytelling, but nothing's jumping out at you and yelling "Boo!" with a screechy violin noise. It's got that quietly creepy vibe, and that restraint allows it all to sort of seep in. I think my favorite thing about this movie is that while visually, you don't really believe anything that's going on, this still manages to feel very real on an emotional level. I'd recommend it to horror fans especially--William Friedkin said it was the most terrifying film he's ever seen--but probably even to people who don't like horror movies all that much.

Wetlands

2013 comedy

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Teenager Helen sees an anal wound as an opportunity to get her parents back together. Meanwhile, she has a friend, and there's a nurse she likes.

This is like artsier gross-out comedy, and I think there's probably something I'm completely missing. I guess you have to call Carla Juri's brave as she trudges through shit in this movie, sometimes literally. I really liked the performance actually. There's a surprising emotional arc with the character who, at least for the first half of the movie, is a skateboarding picture of apathy and angst. For a character so completely eccentric and, well, shockingly disgusting, she kind of feels like a colorful cliche. However, as you piece together her backstory, mostly from flashbacks, there's surprising depth to Helen. Unfortunately, I really didn't like the character--or really any of the characters--at all. These weren't people with whom I wanted to trudge through that shit--again, sometimes literally because this movie's groddy to the max--for over an hour and a half. My brother, who recommended this to me, compared it to Amelie and Run, Lola, Run, and those are probably appropriate comparisons. The style's vibrant enough, definitely creative visual storytelling, but you kind of have to wonder what the point is. This almost bludgeons you with taboos with numerous shots of blood, ejaculate, fecal matters, skateboarding, and pubes. You almost want to hop in the shower after watching this, and although I've never really considered myself a prude, I just didn't get the point of it all unless the point was just to create this shocking character. It's definitely not for the squeamish, climaxing (literally) pornographically in the relayed pizza circle jerk fantasy she shares with Robin the nurse, another character I didn't really understand or like. A sequence that, of course, is accompanied by "The Blue Danube Waltz," which makes sense because most people have trouble masturbating on food unless there's a little Strauss in the background. I think my biggest problem with this was that the storytelling was a little too loose, and I think that hurt any impact the climactic revelation could have delivered. I didn't quite understand a scene on a diving platform or really why any of the scenes with her friend were even in the movie. There's a subplot featuring a scrawny drug dealer that kind of seemed unnecessary, too. Too many loose ends, and I really had trouble connecting with Helen like I did Amelie.

Wilhelm Scream--we hear one while the characters are watching something on television.

Movies A-Go-Go: Armageddon

1998 blockbuster

Rating: 11/20

Plot: An asteroid is heading straight for earth, so a ragtag team of drillers are sent in shuttles to blow the fucking thing up and save humanity.

Ah! I finally settled on a name for my stream-of-conscious type-as-I-watch posts--Movies A-Go-Go! Do you like it?

Before I copy/paste what my thoughts while watching this, I thought I'd share a couple things from the imdb trivia section that amused me.

1) Steve Buscemi was asked why he was even in this movie. One answer--he wanted a bigger house. Another had to do with getting to play a more heroic character rather than the slimy guys he usually plays.

2) Bay says he was aware that there were a lot of science errors in this but left them in because the audience doesn't know any better. And he's right, so who are we going to blame for Armageddon--Bay or the masses?

3) Ben Affleck was talking to Bay about how it would probably be easier to train astronauts how to drill rather than train drillers how to astronaut, and he was told to shut up.

Ok, here we go. Movie A-Go-Go!

This just feels scientifically accurate--a voiceover and you can trust. [Edit: I thought that was Charlton Heston! He IS a guy who can be trusted!]

The title screen explodes! Because if it didn’t, people would wonder if Michael Bay was OK.

Billy Bob Thornton: “I’ll give you a buffalo nickel if you’ll calm down just a little bit.” I was pretty sure a buffalo nickel was fecal matter. Regardless, this is the type of line that can only be spoken by Billy Bob Thornton as a NASA employee.

Random couple, Carl and Dottie [John Mahon and Grace Zabriskie]…”Get me my telephone book!” You should always keep your telephone book by your enormous telescope, by the way. Lesson learned. These two aren't overacting at all, by the way. If they're not in the movie much, I want either a sequel or a prequel that focuses on their relationship.

Now random New York people. Wow, this city seems louder pre-9/11. Glad that dog somehow survived being hit by an asteroid. The narrator at the beginning probably thinks he should have died.

[Edit: Speaking of 9/11:

Yikes.]

That destruction! There goes the Chrysler Building! And that taxi driver keeps saying, "Whoa!" Like, that's all he can say. I wonder if it was scripted or if he was trying to get Michael Bay to slow down.

I’m sorry, but I can’t buy Billy Bob Thornton as a real human being in this. But “It’s a big-ass sky” and “the size of basketballs and Volkswagons and stuff” make him fun.

“We’ve got to come up with something realistic here!” And “This is as real as it gets.” Just keep telling yourself that, script.

This isn’t wasting any time. Even character development involves big music and Bruce Willis shooting at the new Batman.

“Basically the worst parts of the Bible.” I just love how Thornton's taking this all so seriously. I have to say that I do appreciate the humor in this screenplay. It keeps things lively.

“Sir, FBI.” 

“No thanks.” 

I don't know how that line would come from somebody who isn't Steve Buscemi. Loved it there though.

I like this rounding up the crew montage to the Beatles “Come Together,” but why are they all all off the rig? Hasn't it been just a few hours?

“A bunch of retards I wouldn’t trust with a potato gun."

Fichtner, on the scene! And his first line is “Talk about the wrong stuff," a line he delivered like he’s been waiting for years to say it.

Uh oh. A pretty woman astronaut--Bruce Willis is probably going to hit that. Be careful, Bruce, because women astronauts are apparently crazy. [Edit: Totally wrong about this one!]

The shuttle travel might suck Steve Buscemi’s eyes into the back of his head? For Buscemi, that might make his eyes seem normal.

NASA doesn’t take chances? That doesn’t seem historically accurate.

Pervy Bruce Willis watching Ben Affleck suck at his daughter’s back...those sound effects have to be added, and if so, it’s inappropriate. Michael Bay: "I want Affleck's slurping noises to be as loud as my explosions!"

[Edit: But wait! It gets grosser:]

Shot with the crew leaving the NASA place with half of them hanging out the window like dogs. I know they haven’t seen the outside in several months. . .oh, wait. It’s been a few days.

Owen Wilson’s prayer...that's all I have to say about that. [Edit: Man, I did like the cast here. Bruce Willis, action superstar. Michael Clarke Duncan, large black man. Buscemi, weasel. Stormare, badass. Owen Wilson, guy who makes every character he plays seem like a stoner. Fichtner, another badass. Thornton, guy who can get away with talking about buffalo nickels.]

This soundtrack is oppressive, especially when Ben Affleck is on the screen. And now we’re talking about animal crackers. “Baby, do you think anybody else in the world is doing this very same thing at this same moment?” Umm...the answer to that is no. Nobody else is using animal crackers as some kind of weird foreplay. Nobody has EVER done that.

Bruce Willis’s grandpa...hey, it's Laurence Tierney. With something very distracting on his head! Why aren't they sending him up to space? Surely he's not going to be in this movie for just this one scene. [Edit: Yep. One scene.]

South Pacific villlage destruction, I realize, was probably very expensive, but that probably could have been cut. It looked cheap and about as fake as miniatures being annihilated in a Godzilla movie.

Michael Clarke Duncan had a beautiful singing voice. What a wonderful musical moment there. “Leavin’ on a Jet Plane” has never hit me that emotionally.

The montage during the president’s speech lays it on so thick. He says the title of the movie and we get shots of regular folk. But wait, I thought they were trying to keep this a secret. I must have missed something while typing this crap.

More laying it on thick: big American flag behind Bruce Willis. And there’s Liv Tyler with a big American flag behind her. America!

“Can you make mine really tight because I don’t want to fall out.” Owen Wilson's got the best lines in here. And his character--obviously high.

Aren’t these space shuttles a little too close together? This could be the end of the movie right here. I don’t know much about the space program, but I think these people just broke the record for most space shuttles launched at once.

Wait, did they just say that a “little off” Peter Stormare has been in a space station for 11 years? “I can feel I’m having gravity!” Oh, boy. This is about to get good!

Space station scene, filmed with camera angles to capture the disorientation. See, Michael Bay knows what he’s doing.

I think Peter Stormare is wearing a t-shirt that says “Cock” on it. [Edit: Never got a good look at that. I did just Google Image "Peter Stormare cock" without thinking and, probably luckily, didn't find anything.] And now he’s only been there for 18 months, so I feel better for the guy. 

“Don’t touch my uncle!”

The hot woman astronaut: Check your hoses. I’ve been checking mine, lady! I check every time you're on the screen. [Jessica Steen, by the way. I don't know her, but I'm still shocked Bruce Willis's character didn't hit that.]

“I’m not leaving without AJ!” Of course, you’re not, Bruce Willis. And this scene is ridiculously stupid. Icicles? That doesn’t quite seem scientific.

Shot of a coffee cup breaking….this montage work is as important as Eisenstein's in Battleship Potemkin. This editing--dizzying.

Well, the asteroid looks silly, covered in a layer of tiny icicles.

Steve Buscemi: “Because I’m a genius!” I love Steve Buscemi, but I’m having trouble buying that his character is a genius in this movie.

A hand reaching through burning debris! Ben Affleck emotionally screaming at the loss of a colleague. Two more cliches I can check off my blockbuster Bingo sheet!

Wait, did they just machine gun the drill car out of the shuttle? Why would they have a giant machine gun with them?

QUIT SHOUTING AT ME, BEN AFFLECK!

“This has turned into a surrealistic nightmare!” Was J.J. Abrams responsible for that line?

"The override--it’s been overridden."

Willis/Fichtner conversation: “Do you swear on your daughter’s life?” says Fitchner, all drooly. Willis answers, "I will make 800 feet. I swear to God I will.” This is a well-written movie when it's trying to be funny. When it's not? Not so much.

Red or blue wires?  Another blockbuster cliche! I'm one away from a Bingo!

Buscemi Slim-Pickening that bomb...if I were a woman, I’d be damp.

They're going to fucking ramp a canyon. And if Stormare's out of this thing, I might be, too!

OK, he survived, but now he’s SCREAMING AT ME, TOO!

Gargoyle watching the Eiffel Tower go--that had to be in the trailer.

When Thornton asks Tyler, if she thinks he can drill 250 feet in an hour, I finally get the subtext! This movie’s all about fathers giving away their daughters to be drilled, proverbially, by the Ben Afflecks of the world. [Edit: Obviously, this idea isn't fully developed here, but this is most definitely what the movie's about. Phallic spaceships, numerous references to drilling, the father character dying, an ending that features a wedding. It's obvious, isn't it?]

God, I hope they find oil on this asteroid! It's the only thing that would make sense at this point.

Second astronaut fist pump from Bruce Willis. How come we didn’t see Buzz Aldrin do that?

Speaking of Buzz, which of these characters do you think was the first to shit on an asteroid? Or, which viewer of Armageddon was the first to shit on his couch while watching this?

More science I don’t understand, possibly showing that I’m just not smart enough to even be watching this movie: Why is everything exploding? Mini-asteroids hitting big asteroids cause explosions? Would there be fires or explosions on an asteroid anyway?

Oh, no! They’re drawing straws! I wonder what’s going to happen!

This father/son moment...pretty God-damned touching.

Stormare eyeroll...he’s got to save the day again. And then his solution is angrily hitting the space shuttle innards with a giant wrench. I’m kind of surprised this depiction of Russians didn’t start up the Cold War again.

There’s another flag.

"Harry doesn’t know how to fail." And neither does America!

Oh, thank God! Will Patton’s son likes him now! 

The Patton son-hugging is touching, and the wedding puts a nice happy cap on this story, but I wanted this to end in the only logical way it could have ended--Peter Stormare having his way with five or six women at once.

What a dumb piece of entertainment. I feel dumber having watched it and even dumber for kind of liking it.

Bad Movie Club: Space Mutiny

1988 science fiction movie

Bad Movie Rating: 2/5 (Josh: 3/5; Fred: 1.5/5; Johnny: 2/5; Kristen: 1/5; Libby: no rating)

Rating: 5/20

Plot: The evil Kalgan is trying to take over a spaceship for reasons that aren't really ever clear, and it's up to a burly hero and Santa Claus's daughter to save everybody.

This one's for John Phillip Law completists only. In a way, it's just not fair for a bad movie to have to follow up Neil Breen. Breen sets impossible standards, and no amount of John Phillip Law evil laughter is going to meet those standards. This movie borrows space battle scenes from Battlestar Gallactica, but most of the action takes place on the interior of the spaceship which sort of looks like an abandoned warehouse or something lots of metal stairs and places where it looks like wares could have been stored. It gives the characters plenty of room to dart around in Enforcers, these cute little scooters.

Seriously, what actor is going to see that on the set and not say, "That's what we're chasing each other around in? Screw it, I'm out of this movie." And check out the glare from those windows in the background. That doesn't seem right. Those Enforcer chase scenes are dull and endless, but not as dull and endless as the laser gun fighting scenes where nobody but hero Dave Ryder and love interest Lea (ahem) Jansen can hit anything. I am impressed with that body count though. Lots of nameless characters die in this movie, and it gets redundant. I mean, you're forced to watch nearly the same stunt--a guy being shot and tumbling forward from a platform--over and over again. There are also some space whores who show up and bring their own plasma globes because the only special effects these people could afford involved a trip to Spencer's Gifts. (That's not my joke, by the way. That's all Johnny.) By the way, here's one of the directors:

Yep, David Winters--A-Rab from West Side Story. The other director was Neal Sundstrom who went on to do loads of things you haven't heard of. An assistant director (because this movie needed lots of direction apparently) was Evan J. Klisser who also played a character named Mohawk who had a mohawk. Oh, and this apparently also happens somewhere in space:

I hope nothing I wrote up there is going to make you think you should run out and see this movie because you shouldn't. I mean, who wants to watch a science fiction movie with these people in it?

And there's that glare again. I'm starting to wonder if this movie was filmed in space at all.

The Tale of the Princess Kaguya

2013 cartoon

Rating: 16/20

Plot:  A bamboo cutter finds a miniature little girl in a bamboo stalk, and he and his wife decide to raise her as a princess. She grows rapidly. Unfortunately, in order to be a princess, she has to leave her friends and live in the city. While there, she continues to mature and eventually attracts a bunch of men who are aroused by the sound of the koto.

Well, they don't make princess movies like this anymore! Actually, they probably never did. The storytelling, at times, is tedious. Viewers are required to be a little patient as this all unfolds. The animation is breathtaking, however. It's delicately hand-drawn, and each frame looks like it could be a watercolor hanging in a museum. Although there are some Buddhist themes and a Japanese pace and a length that would probably bore even the most die-hard fan of princess cartoons, it's all so beautiful that it doesn't matter. It's delightfully Japanese. This is Isao Takahata, a guy who shares my birthday. He directed the bleak Grave of the Fireflies, a movie that makes me cry whenever I think about it. This is much lighter, but it's still probably going to make a lot of people cry. Not me though. I'm a man now.