Lonesome

1928 semi-silent romance

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A lonely guy and a lonely girl meet and spend a romantic day together at Coney Island. However, when disaster strikes, they become separated, and they realize they forgot to get each other's cell numbers.

"I'm so tired of being alone that I can't stand my own company."

Been there, Jim.

This was at the threshold between silent cinema and talkies, so director Pal Fejos decided just to go with both. That, I believe, was a bit of a mistake. The experiments with sound effects are slightly awkward but work fine and give this some charm, but when the spoken dialogue comes in, it's embarrassing. What makes it worse is that the characters are given some awful things to say. Like, "You found your little lamb." And yes, it's obviously the guy who says that. I'm also fairly positive that a real woman--as opposed to an actress pretending to be a real woman--would have dumped this guy after his third "Gee." This works best at the beginning, juxtaposing the two leads at work and living their lonely little lives, and it works most impressively because there are almost a complete lack of title cards. Glenn Tryon and Barbara Kent, with the help of typical 1920's sentimentality, are perfect pictures of loneliness. Their lives are actually so sad that you figure this movie will either end with the couple being together or some sort of suicide scenario.

The most interesting thing about this is Fejos's use of special effects. Splashes of color, lots of double exposure, an impressive amount of extras and confetti, quick-shot montage, a camera that might move more than in anything else from the silent era that I've seen. It doesn't all work--listen to that repetitive, grating whistling for the wind during a storm--but it does keep things interesting even when the story's started to drag.

Some questions: Can you really be arrested for "picking up girls"?

Check it out if you're a fan of romantic comedies from this era.

The Walk

2015 drama

Rating: 16/20

Plot: See this, except Philippe Petit has been replaced by an American former child actor pretending to be French.

I was actually impressed with Joseph Gordon-Levitt here. At first, I wasn't sure if it was special effects or the work of stunt doubles, but apparently he really did perform his own French accent in this. Honestly, I'm not even sure I could tell whether somebody's fake accent was a bad one or not. To me, Gordon-Levitt's accent sounded fine. At the very least, it wasn't a distraction for me although you do have to wonder why they didn't, you know, just get a French guy to play Petit.

Gordon-Levitt also did some tightrope walking after training with Petit although I'm pretty sure Robert Zemeckis was using special effects trickery for the walk across the Twin Towers. I don't think Gordon-Levitt was really on the Twin Towers. Aside from developing skills to make him look like an actual tightrope walker, the time with Peti probably helped his performance. The most memorable thing about Man on Wire is Petit's infectious enthusiasm and vivaciousness, and Gordon-Levitt captured that wonderfully, forming this character who takes on the world with wide eyes and passion. As with the documentary, you really feel in love with Petit, as crazy as that son of a bitch is, and even though you already know the story, you're still on the edge of your seat as you root for him in this ridiculously crazy endeavor.

Speaking of being on the edge of your seat, Zemeckis really did everything he could to give this former-acrophobic a bad case of vertigo. The special effects in this are outstanding, and I can only imagine what it would have been like this to catch this in 3D in the theater. You really feel like you're up there with Petit. Zemeckis shows off a bit, his camera soaring around Gordon-Levitt and over him and scaling walls and plummeting. Petit ends up on that tightrope at right around the 1 hour and 30 minute mark, and for the next 25 minutes or so, you're sitting there with your stomach in your throat and your eyes glued to the screen.

The final fourth of the movie is exhilarating, but it's not like the rest of the movie isn't worth watching. Zemeckis gives the exposition of Petit's story some flair with some of his characteristic perspective shots. What he did with feathers in Forest Gump or other things in those creepy animated movies he won't stop making, he does with hard candy flying through the air, the flight of an arrow, or a shot from the reverse side of a piece of paper Petit is drawing on. Along with some splashes of color in a black and white world--stop lights, brown shoes, a checkered pattern of a restaurant patio, obviously a wire--it gives the non-WTC scenes an effervescence. Add in a French-language version of "These Boots Are Made for Walking" and a pretty cover of Leonard Cohen's "Suzanne," and you've got some lovely set-up. I also loved the performance of chameleon Ben Kingsley. He plays Petit's mentor and has some of the funniest and most poignant lines. Sure, some of the dialogue in this is a little ponderous, and there are some schmaltzy moments, but Zemeckis sure knows how to dazzle.

You could argue that this entire movie is superfluous following the release of the excellent documentary. We know how the story goes, and that does take away a little of the suspense. The movie probably isn't necessary as a story, but this does two things better than the documentary. First, it gives you that experience. Again, I can't describe well enough how good the effects are here and the magic that Zemeckis works to put you high above Manhattan with Petit, feeling not only this thrill but that sense of accomplishment and that realization of a crazy dream. Second, it's a wonderful tribute to the Twin Towers. There are a couple moments in this that brought tears to my eyes, including a final bit of narration from Gordon-Levitt and an absolutely perfect final shot.

Now You See Me

2013 magical heist movie

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Four magicians are brought together for criminal purposes. An FBI guy, a French chick, and a debunker of magicians try to catch up with them.

I hated this movie. I hated every twist and turn, I hated its artificiality, I hated the CGI magic tricks, and I hated the music. It all starts out intriguing enough with the characters being introduced and then drawn together, a first 1/3 of their magically criminal or criminally magical act that flashes and intrigues, and the spawning of a mystery. But this is the perfect example of a movie that just keeps getting worse and worse as it goes, like a snowball of suck rolling down a mountain.

It's too bad because I thought I was going to like this once those characters were introduced. Things were ultra-flashy and modern, but Eisenberg's character pulled off a card trick where I actually saw the card I was supposed to while sitting on my couch, Harrelson does a funny hypnosis bit, and Isla Fisher is devoured by piranhas. Those characters are never developed, yet they still somehow manage to become more and more unlikable as their story moves along. And after a while, you realize this is going to be all glitz and dazzle without any depth whatsoever. I guess that kind of makes it like your typical magic show. A guy pulls a rabbit out of his ass, people applaud, and everybody goes home wondering whether it meant anything. Nothing really matters here, and all those twists and turns--and especially the giant reveal that takes place after the other three or four giant reveals in this--don't really make sense when you step back and take a good look at this thing.

It was very disappointing. I don't even think I'd heard of this movie until seeing a preview for a sequel despite having what you'd probably call a movie blog of nearly professional quality and being Jesse Eisenberg's number one fan. The mash-up of magic and criminal heists seems like something that could have been a home run. This movie is unfortunately the equivalent of a magician actually sawing a woman in half.

Check out this douche bag:

The Education of Charlie Banks

2007 drama

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Charlie Banks, following an uncomfortable experience with a violent guy in high school, encounters the guy again in college.

This was the directorial debut of Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst. I thought, "Surely there's another Fred Durst who directs movies," but nope, this is Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst. I believe Durst is going for something gritty here, but it comes across like an after-school special with violence and cursing. And with worse dialogue. Charlie Banks isn't a likable character, and that really gets in the way of the movie working as a sort-of tough coming-of-age story. It's a low-budget, mishandled and more unbelievable Outsiders. John Ritter's son plays the bully, and there are times when he's genuinely terrifying and other times when he's kind of like a big dumb cartoon character.

Most offensive is a conversation the characters have about deconstructionism that cheaply tries to trick you into thinking the screenplay of this is more intelligent than it actually is.

Here's what Jesse Eisenberg's hair looks like in this movie:

This is also the second movie of my mini-Eisenberg film festival where he's shown playing basketball. Lex Luthor also shoots a little hoop in the superhero movie. In this one, he plays in a polo shirt like the one he's rocking in that picture there. It's really hard to take a character seriously when he plays basketball in a polo shirt. I think I could take Eisenberg one-on-one, by the way.

The End of the Tour

2015 movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A cinematic retelling of a multi-day interview that David Lipsky did with David Foster Wallace for Rolling Stone.

This reminded me of My Dinner with Andre in a lot of ways. It doesn't take place over one meal like the Louis Malle movie, but it essentially is one drawn-out conversation between two guys. And like Andre, it kind of sneaks up on you. You realize near the end just how much much these seemingly banal series of moments and conversational tidbits have revealed about these two characters, their flaws, their hopes and fears, their anxieties. There's humor, what appears to be a developing friendship, some tension, a disintegration, an understanding, and what I believe is a really clever pun. The latter has to do with a shoe.

None of it would work without good performances. I've read a little David Foster Wallace and watched Brief Encounters with Hideous Men, but I don't know much about the real human being or how accurate Jason Segal's (How I Met Your Mother and other things) portrayal is. I really liked how he brought the character to life though. It's not any sort of in-your-face powerful performance or anything like that, but there's a consistency to the character's inconsistencies that really bring this complex guy to life. You really feel like you know Wallace after seeing this, and that's a tribute to both the writing and Segal's performance. Eisenberg plays Lipsky, and although he essentially plays the character he plays in every other movie he's in (and I should know because this was the third I watched out of five Eisenberg movies in a row), he's good. I think I've decided that I like Eisenberg if he's in roll where that character he plays fits. It's in romantic comedies or action films where Eisenberg just doesn't fit.

Here's what Eisenberg's hair looks like in this movie in case you're keeping track at home:

Do you think Eisenberg is really smart, by the way? His characters are always smart. Has he ever played a dumb guy?

Anyway, I digress. I think this is definitely a movie worth checking out, and not necessarily only for people who know David Foster Wallace's work. I was touched by the conversation and the relationship of these two writers, and the movie tackles themes about fame, public personas, and art in ways that force you to reflect.

Why Stop Now

2012 comedy

Rating: 10/20

Plot: An aspiring concert pianist tries to get his mother to check into rehab but needs Tracy Morgan's help.

This was the first of five Jesse Eisenberg movies I watched in a row. Call it a mini-Eisenberg film festival if you want to. I don't even know why I watched this one, but Batman v Superman happened the next day, so I decided to get a streak going.

In this movie, Jesse Eisenberg is out-acted by a sock puppet on the hand of a little girl named Emma Rayne Lyle who can't act. Tracy Morgan plays a drug dealer named Sprinkles.

And that's really all you need to know about this movie that I'm likely going to forget that I even watched in a year or two.

But hey, is that really Eisenberg playing the piano in this thing? It certainly appears to be, but I can't believe anything I see in movies these days. The special effects have gotten too tricky. If that's him, he's pretty good.

Here's what his hair looks like in this movie. He also dons a Jesus jacket at one point. I can't be the only person who alternates between liking Eisenberg and wanting to punch this guy in the face, can I?

The Big Short

2015 Best Picture nominee

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A bunch of guys try to take advantage of an impending financial crisis. Based on a true story.

This movie was just a little too cute. Color me underwhelmed. I liked the performances, but for the most part, every single character in this story was really hard to like. What might pass for effervescence with women in bubble baths or Selena Gomez or famous chefs giving us little economy lessons really grated on my nerves a little bit. I felt the tone was inconsistent, and a whole lot of the financial stuff really went over my head. I felt like I needed Michael Moore or somebody to help explain everything to me in his normal unbiased manner. So many characters, so many tidbits, and so many tangents made this a really messy experience.

In a way, this reminded me of The Wolf of Wall Street. Scorsese and company, however, kept me on my toes and entertained for the duration. This just perplexed and, after a while, started to bore me.

Spectre

2015 Bond movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: James Bond, a kite dancing in a hurricane, goes up against a sinister organization.

This opens with a stupendous five-minute tracking shot through a Day of the Dead parade, into a hotel room, out a window, and across from an explosion. It's a great start, but it's all downhill from there. Not that this is a terrible James Bond movie because it isn't. It's too long, the Sam Smith theme song during an octopus-filled opening credit sequence is terrible, and the movie feels derivative, but it's not a bad movie. Craig globetrots, hooks up with a beautiful woman, drives a cool car, matches wits with Christoph Waltz who makes a really good Blofeld even though he's not bald, fights a henchman played by Dave Bautista who might remind you of Oddjob or Jaws, and kills a bunch of people. The latter's ok though because he's got a license for that sort of thing.

This continues the approach with the Daniel Craig 007 movies of humanizing the character. It doesn't do so as effectively here, but Bond's faced with a decision at the end of the movie that really deepens the character as Craig's played him in these last four movies. This doesn't have the soul and emotional impact of Skyfall exactly, but it's got the same sort of tone.

I did enjoy the action sequences--a destructive bit of fisticuffs on a train, a car chase--although the final act may have been a bit ludicrous. I'm still missing the type of James Bond movie that isn't afraid to accompany an automobile stunt with a slide whistle though.

The plot of this reminded me a lot of the last two Mission Impossible movies. With those and movies like The Kingsman or the Bourne movies, you have to wonder about the legs of this elderly franchise. Are they going to adjust the formula to keep up with these more modern spy adventure things or will they try to remain true to the character and the Fleming novels?

The Zero Theorem

2013 Terry Gilliam movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: A computer programmer is given an assignment to prove that life is meaningless.

Christoph Waltz is at it again, this time without hair, and Terry Gilliam's got another mess on his hands. I like the set design and a handful of ideas, but this suffers from being a movie without a really good central idea. So the bleak but colorful look at a vibrant utopia has its moments, but it really loses steam quickly and starts to drag. A lot of this movie will have you remembering and probably wishing that you were watching Brazil.

I did like the imagery with the final scene of the movie, and the movie gets a points boost because David Thewlis is so fucking good. Peter Stormare is also in this briefly, and Melanie Thierry is really cute and makes this happen:

Terry Gilliam's made some movies that would be in a favorite movie list if I ever made one. Sadly, I'm not even sure I would recommend this to a fan of the guy. I won't give up on him after two disappointments in a row that followed Tideland, a movie I'm still trying to figure out if I liked. But it feels like his talents as a writer or director can't match his imagination.

Entertainment

2015 existential dramedy

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A stand-up comedian wanders around the desert.

I should note right off the bat that this movie isn't for everybody. I'm intrigued by Neil Hamburger, the stage persona of Gregg Turkington, and it's mostly because of how different that brash stage persona and the real guy seem to be. And you really feel that difference here with Turkington's wonderful performance. Turkington was recently in Ant-Man very briefly, but he's not really an actor. I was surprised at how good he was in this. It's a nuanced performance, and there's a lot of depth to the character without Turkington really needed to do a whole lot. A lot of it has to do with body language, the timing, and his overall appearance. The greasy hair, the nose, the poor posture, and an unsure gait contribute to creating this character who's clambering through the desert with all this psychological weight pushing him down. More than any other movie character I can remember seeing, it's like there's this unseen hand from above pressing down on the comedian. I think a lot of this movie is about a man's hatred of himself as he is forced to become something he doesn't want to become for the sake of entertainment. The feeling is so palpable that it becomes haunting.

The movie's listed as a drama, but there are definitely some funny moments. The Hamburger stage character would grow tiresome if you had to spend too much time with him, but his jokes ("What's the worst part of being gang-raped by Crosby, Steals, and Nash?" or "What do you get when you cross Sir Elton John with a saber-tooth tiger?" and timely jokes about E.T.) are funny because you can't tell whether they're offensive because they are offensive or if they're offensive because they're just so bad. I'm mystified by the jokes because I never know who the target is. Is Hamburger poking fun at comedy, picking on corporations, attacking celebrities? Does he hate his audience? Entertainment shows Neil Hamburger on stage, but it has more to do with Turkington sitting around doing nothing at all, venturing into the desert to see airplane graveyards or other tourist attractions, or trying to connect with his daughter. Oh, and Tye Sheridan plays his opening act--an irritating clown act. His best gag is a toss-up between pantomimed masturbation or pantomimed shitting-into-his-hat.

When I watched The Comedy, another Rick Alverson movie that is more like drama than comedy, I wasn't prepared for it. I expected, you know, a comedy. Instead, you got this relentlessly depressing anti-movie. I was more prepared for this one and knew what to expect going in. It didn't make the experience any less depressing. This is still so consistent and relentless with its listlessness. It's not a movie that's going to make anybody happy, but it's fascinating watching this character move through this increasingly surreal tour through the desert. The music haunts, the performance captivates, and some scenes (a scene with a pregnant woman in a bathroom, a machine-gun act that they're "not paying for," a meeting a lonely Michael Cera in a public restroom, an intrusion into a Mexican soap opera) stick with you after it's all over.

Oh, and the worst thing about being gang-raped by Crosby, Steals, and Nash? No Young, of course.

WR: Mysteries of the Organism

1971 fantasy documentary

Rating: 14/20

Plot: An in-your-face look at communism and sex and the works of psychoanalyst Wilhelm Reich.

Eastern European movies sometimes go over my head, but it's never hard to appreciate lengthy scenes of plaster casting. And silly me thought that Cynthia Plaster Caster was the only penis mold artist. I guess I need to get out more. This has its fair share of pornography, scream therapy, and Tuli Kupferberg from the band, The Fugs. He strokes a gun the only way a human being walking urban streets in a helmet can stroke a gun--lewdly. I guess we're supposed to make the connection between sex and violence, but there were so many ideas thrown at you with this movie, I found it difficult to know what I was supposed to be focusing on. This movie simultaneously is a sloppy incoherent mess and redundant, not the best combination. It's like Dusan Makavejev held up a mirror to society and then broke it. The fragments only sort of come together though.

Of course, you have to appreciate its subversiveness. It's very much a product of its time--the challenging post-hippie and pre-AIDS world where communism is scaring a lot of people and making other people's lives unbearable. I'm not sure how timely the movie's message is now. Then again, I'm not even totally sure I understand the movie's message at all. When the ideas come together, there's something mesmerizing and fascinating about this movie, but the times when the ideas come together aren't always easy to find.

I've seen three Dusan Majavejev movies now. Sweet Movie is more challenging and subversive than this one, and Man Is Not a Bird which bored me to tears. I'd say this and Sweet Movie are worth checking out once for adventurous movie fans.

This was my brother's Criterion movie pick as we make our way through a bunch of those. It wasn't his turn--he picked The Tin Drum, too--but felt I was moving too slowly. Next up is Kwaidan if you're interested.

Oprah Movie Club Pick for March: The Matrix

1999 sci-fi movie

Rating: 16/20 (Abbey: 15/20)

Plot: A perpetually stoned guy is approached by a pair of clubs who each want his membership. On the one hand, he's got the snarling and toothy Snippy Republicans of America, a group who promises him sunglasses and neatly-pressed suits. On the other hand, he's got the Bald-Headed Freedumb Flighters, and they're also promising sunglasses along with cool leather outfits for when they're out and about and cheap K-Mart sweatshirts for chilling on their spaceship. The guy--Neo or Thomas Anderson depending on who you ask--is offered pills, and then finds himself in some pink goop with more holes in him than he could ever possibly need. A hot chick and some bald guys try to help him figure out if he's "the one" or if they're horribly mistaken and he's just "someone." Either way, a whole bunch of people are going to get kicked and shot in slow motion.

I ended a string of five Jesse Eisenberg movies in a row to actually watch the Oprah Movie Club pick on time for once. I have to say that I don't like this movie as much as the above kinda-high rating might indicate. I think it's a bit overrated actually. The storytelling isn't great, Keanu is distracting, and the dialogue is poorly written. It's a quintessential 90's movie though, and it's influential, my nicer way of saying that the Wachowskis should get a lot of the blame for poor Matrix imitations that came after this. Of course, a lot of my feelings about this movie are shaped by the two movies that came after this one, and that's probably not fair.

I'm going to have to watch those sequels again, too, because Abbey wants to.

Anyway, it's Movies A-Go-Go time. Here were my thoughts as I watched The Matrix for, I think, the third time.

Whoa. 

"Juris-my-dick-tion crap."

Gosh, I hope Jimmy Stewart isn’t one of the cops chasing Trinity on the rooftops.

I think Hugo Weaving was cast based only on how he runs. That's some great form, Hugo.

What’s with the jewelry on this collection of people who come to get a mini-disc from Keanu?

Trinity knows why he sits looking at his computer all night? If the answer is “pornography,” I’m not sure she knows anything that anybody else wouldn't be able to guess.

I’d go looking for anything to get away from this awful Rob Zombie music.

Keanu’s expression to the Fed-Ex guy’s “Have a nice day” makes it seem like that was the most insulting thing a person can say to another person.

This phone call and guys with sunglasses office prank is a classic. "Hey, how can we get Anderson on the roof?" "Oh, easy. We just need to Fed-Ex him a cell phone and get some guys with sunglasses in the office."

Keanu’s monologue about how he hasn’t done anything and is a nobody is ridiculous. It's an internal monologue that should have stayed internal.

OK, it’s not just his running. Hugo Weaving's every move is perfect. Watch the way he jerks his hands out to adjust his sleeves! That's a sweet move. And that voice! He makes everything he says--”helping your landlady take out her garbage”--sound like the most important piece of information in the world. You just absorb every line of dialogue that Weaving pushes out of those weird lips of his.

There are too many guys wearing sunglasses in a room that doesn’t even have windows. I'm maybe just not remembering this trilogy very well, but there's no reason for the sunglasses in this, right? Other than product placement or because sunglasses look cool?

Agent Smith just pronounced the word “speak” like it has eight syllables.

Uh oh. Keanu now has no mouth. Terrible acting has become more of a challenge now, but if any actor can manage it, it's Keanu Reeves.

The “Gestapo crap” might not have scared him, but the insect in the bellybutton will.

“You are the one, Neo.” I think that’s a palindrome.

Oen eno eht era uoy. No, it’s not a palindrome.

“Listen to me, Coppertop.” “There’s only one rule--our way or the highway.” I am really not impressed with the writing in this thing. Why is the blonde lesbian calling him Coppertop?

That’s the biggest dildo I have ever seen, Trinity.

Unfortunately, I could not find a picture of Trinity's futuristic dildo. 

“Ah, God! Hurts!” Keanu Reeves actually said that. I turned the captions on just to verify. "Ah! God! Hurts!" is what they actually said.

The writing might be bad, but you have to give it to the Wachowski siblings for creating a unique look. I guess it has predecessors--Blade Runner, The Fifth Element, maybe Dark City--but this sci-fi noir approach still feels unique.

More sunglasses. It appears that Neo’s got a choice between people who wear lots of leather and guys in suits. Both talk really slowly, so it's going to be a tough choice.

Morpheus likes his theatrics with these pills and all. I've never even been sure what the blue pill would have done. Would he just have awakened in his apartment again?

Are connections to Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and The Wizard of Oz supposed to have meaning or is it just lazy writing?

Unfortunately, Neo, mirror goop is really hard to wash off.

"Ah! God! Hurts!"

That reverberating scream as we venture down Keanu's throat was such a great sound effect.

“Have you ever woken up as Michael Stipe in a pink goop with wires attached to you and wondered if you were still dreaming?”

Whee! Waterslide time! And then straight into one of those claw machines. And somebody won a Neo! All I’ve gotten is a few pieces of candy from those things.

Acupuncture. If they’re rebuilding muscles, shouldn’t he have some of those needles in his junk? I know there’s an orgy scene in one of the sequels that he’s got to prepare himself for, right?

I'm not proud of anything I've typed in the last five minutes. I probably shouldn't even post this.

Your crew has really stupid names, Morpheus. Mouse? Cypher? Tank?

You can load anything you need into the program? Maybe you should get some sides for your sunglasses, Morpheus.

It looks like they’re watching Koyaanisqatsi on their television set.

“Welcome to the desert of the real.” Oh, God. That's the worst line I've ever heard. And Fishburne delivered it with such conviction!

Why do the machines need humans exactly? Can’t they use plants? Or rabbits?

Duracel product placement. Duracel--the preferred battery for sci-fi metaphors.

You just got here and you’re already puking on the floor of Morpheus’s nice ship? Classy, Neo. Real classy.

Keanu Reeves looks a little like Sinead O’Connor.

See? Exactly alike!

You don’t have any holes, Tank or Dozer or whatever your name is? I’m sure you have a few holes.

Drunken boxing? I like how that was slipped into the learning montage.

“I know kung fu.” That line and delivery makes me laugh every single time I watch this movie.

Keanu is stealing Bruce Lee's moves. I saw that thumb to the nose, Keanu.

I’ve seen a lot of kung-fu in my life. This is not kung-fu, Keanu.

I think most of the dialogue in this movie was taken directly from Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit,” but I haven’t heard that song in a while.

“Whoa.” There it is!

Your body can’t live without the mind? Tell that to 75% of the students I’ve had in my teaching career!

Neo’s got to be wondering when he’s going to get some leather of his own.

Squiddy is a good name for a killing machine. Of course, when you're going up against Mouse, Dozer, and Switch, I guess Squiddy will suffice.

Why is everybody whispering exactly?

“You scared the bejesus out of me.” I’ve always wondered what the etymology for “bejesus” is. [Note: I looked this up. It is not interesting enough for me to reproduce here.]

Mouse’s monologue about Tastee Wheat probably could have been cut.

I know Cream of Wheat but not Taystee Wheat. I suppose this was product placement, too. That explains why the scene was in the movie. They must have gotten a huge check from the Taystee Wheat people. 

Actually, the conversation they have about how chicken tastes and masturbatory fantasies involving women in red dresses is fairly important thematically. The whole "What it means to be human" thing.

Who’s the bearded blind guy guarding the Oracle? I’m sure there’s some sort of mythological reference here.

The "potentials" are watching Night of the Lepus for some reason while bending spoons and making blocks levitate? I can't think of any reason why that movie would be referenced in The Matrix.

Thanks, Spoon Boy. That advice about a spoon not existing is good stuff.

I'm actually going to start putting "Played Spoon Boy in The Matrix" on my resume. Nobody's going to ask about it because nobody would think somebody would lie about that.

Keanu’s playing a “not too bright” character? Whoa.

Balls to bones? Is that a real phrase?

Geez! Spoiler alert, Oracle!

I wonder if The Oracle sees lung cancer in her future?

In all seriousness, Gloria Foster's performance in this is my favorite performance in the movie. It's probably just because I like old people though. [Note: I looked her up. She wasn't in much, but was in an episode of The Cosby Show and Leonard Part 6. That makes me sad because it means that she was more than likely raped by Bill Cosby.]

Neo doesn’t get to take one of the Oracle’s pot cookies for Morpheus? That seems unfair. I bet that spoon-bending kid is going to take more than his fair share.

Why’s Joe Pantoliano using a Ghostbuster proton gun thing to kill Tank and Dozer? That seems impractical.

Cypher’s getting all pervy.

I think Plato would have loved this movie. He got off on shadows in a cave, and the special effects are a lot better here.

It would really suck if that phone call is just a prank.

"Human beings define the world through misery and suffering." I agree completely, probably because I’ve heard a whole lot of conservative talk radio.

Ahh, how sweet. These agents are finishing each other’s sentences.

Man, Moss’s eyes are incredible. I think I just fell in love.

Oh, snap! Agent Smith is dissing humanity by comparing us to viruses, cancers, and diseases. C'mon, Fishburne. Snap out of this and hit him with a well-timed "yo mama" joke.

I think I’m siding with the agents here. Humans are a real problem.

This shootout following the metal detector scene is a thing of beauty. It’s the flying debris that does it. There’s nothing like techno music and slow-motion debris to get the heart racing.

The other two agents walking in Agent Smith and asking, “What were you doing?” I think they were reminded of that scene with the man in the bear suit in The Shining.

That’s right. I’ll find any opportunity to use this picture.

Fire and a flying door...those were some gross special effects. The effects are a little dated in this movie, but they were incredible for 1999. This one was surprisingly terrible.

More slow-motion debris. And I’m not sure the machine gunning from a helicopter is the best plan, is it? How did Keanu not hit Morpheus?

Is that helicopter bleeding?

"There’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path." Damn, I wish somebody would have told me that when I was 18. That's good stuff.

I have to find out who plays the homeless guy. I think random homeless guys in movies is one of my favorite things.

Ah, that little percussive four seconds, like from Morricone or a samurai movie. That spaghetti western shot in the subway with Agent Smith cracking his knuckles beats the silly bullet thing or wire-fu stuff. I wish the pre-fight stuff was stretched out even more.

Broken sunglasses now. That’s bound to piss him off.

“You hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability.”

That poor homeless man. If I’m understanding all this nonsense right, he just got subwayed right in the face.

Watch out! Squiddies!

“Oh, shit! That guy took my phone!” Guy. I doubt he's credited for this, but he definitely seized the day with his delivery of that line.

You needed “a little help” to know to kick through a door, Neo? And this guy’s supposed to be the one?

Watching stoned Keanu fighting Agent Smith without even looking is one of my favorite things. That's even better than when he said "Whoa" earlier.

Jumping into Agent Smith’s body has to be revenge for that insect intrusion from earlier in the movie.


Credits roll, and Abbey tells me that Spoon Boy was her favorite character.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

2016 blockbuster Marvel movie

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Superman and Batman are neighbors who don't like each other very much. Am I the only person on Earth who didn't realize that Metropolis and Gotham were in close proximity? I always thought both were supposed to be New York, but apparently they're based on Minneapolis and St. Paul instead. Bruce Wayne is ticked at the Man of Steel because his last movie wasn't very good. Superman's unhappy with Batman because his pets are too loud. The brother of that annoying little curly-headed girl in those 1990's Pepsi advertisements also hates Superman because he's an alien and Luthor--rich and white and male--is obviously a Trump supporter. He tries to get his hands on some Kryptonite because he saw the Christopher Reeve movie with Gene Hackman and knows that's the way to take the superhero down. Meanwhile, Wonder Woman makes a few appearances because Warner Brothers wants to set up future movies. More and more plot is piled on until the two superheros in the title of this movie that also inexplicably has a "v" with no punctuation meet to engage in the ultimate pissing contest. Then, a CGI crescendo!

For the first time in a very long time, I found myself in a mall. I wandered into a shoe store, looked at some hats at a store that sells nothing but hats, browsed in another shoe store, noticed that Spencer's sells ball gags now, and looked for Frisbees in a sporting goods store. It's what happens when you can't read a movie schedule and show up for a big spring blockbuster movie an hour before you're supposed to be there.

I began to despair and decided I have a fear of being asked if I found everything I was looking for. Is there a deeper meaning to that question? I'm a grown man about to see a superhero movie by myself. I'm wearing a smelly t-shirt, orange pants, and a sweat-stained hat. I'm a middle-aged man completely out of place in a loud shopping mall, completely out of my element. The ennui was oppressive, and when I checked the time on my phone, I realized that I was only through half of the longest hour of my life. "Are you finding everything you're looking for?" Everything? Have I found anything? Do I even know what I'm looking for? Do you mean "everything" in a concrete, materialistic sort of way or are is it a metaphysical everything?

A miniature train passed by. The driver appeared to be on the verge of suicide. The three children and one adult looked as if they just found out that they were tricked into riding a miniature train to hell.

Just as I had made the decision to circle back and purchase a ball gag, a tiny woman asked me if I wanted to take part in a survey. I enthusiastically answered, "Yes!" and then she told me that there was money involved. I answered questions about lunch meats and hot dogs, two things I know absolutely nothing about, and then was lured into a little room to answer more specific questions about lunch meats and hot dogs on a computer. I was told that I would be given four dollars. As the survey wound down, I asked how much it costs to ride that train.

"How much does it cost to ride that train?"

"I think it's five dollars." The other woman in the room nodded in agreement.

"Shoot. I'll be a dollar short."

"Well, you can do another survey if you want."

Of course, I told them I was interested. I would have been a fool not to! And after a more high-tech survey that involved some guy, special glasses, a purse slung over my shoulder, and shelves of toothpaste (something else I'm a bit of an expert in), I was given eleven dollars and left with just enough time to get to the theater to see the big blockbuster movie.

At one point, I told the guy who gave me the purse and made me look at shelves of toothpaste that we had to speed things up because I had a movie to catch. When I told him it was the Batman/Superman movie, he said, "Oh, I heard that. . .was pretty good from. . .people who saw it." The whole thing sounded suspicious. I wondered if the man had even seen other human beings who hadn't been in that toothpaste room in months. I didn't question him or say, "Oh yeah? Prove it! Who are these people?" which was what my instincts told me to do.

I did not think the movie was going to be pretty good, but for reasons I can't even explain, I was interested. The movie is neither great nor as bad as I expected. Those mysterious "people who saw it" that the guy in the toothpaste room may or may not actually have contact with were maybe throwing around "pretty good" too generously, but they weren't far off.

Here's what I noticed about the thing. I'll let you know when there are spoilers if you haven't seen this movie yet.

1. The music. I think I liked the score by Hans Zimmer, a guy who is apparently retiring from superhero movies, and Junkie XL. The music is definitely hard to ignore. As you know, I don't go to theaters often anyway, and I hadn't been in one of these theaters. The previews were loud, and the music in this movie was oppressive. It throbbed and vibrated the air around me. One of my shoes might have fallen off. I think I urinated at one point. But the music is never really in the way and generally enhances the action sequences and the music they give Wonder Woman, which I believe might be played by the flamethrower-guitar guy from the Mad Max movie, raised the hairs on my arms.

2. Why am I making a list here? Is it only to annoy my wife who has told me countless times that she doesn't like when I do numbered lists like this?

3. Gal Gadot is a beautiful woman and has the right legs for Wonder Woman. I have no attachment to any superhero character and don't really get excited about movies featuring any of them. I definitely had no real interest in a Wonder Woman movie despite liking the t.v. show with Lynda Carter when I was a kid. And like a lot of warm-blooded males, I've had my share of Amazonian-with-a-rope fantasies. After seeing her in action here, I have more of an interest. Of course, it could wind up being the next Catwoman. I assume it'll be a sort-of origin story where she works her way through the 20th Century and fights antagonists from other planets like she boasted she had in this movie. I wonder if she'll run into Captain America.

4. Speaking of origin movies, it was nice that this didn't have to mess around with all that. Superman already had his third or fourth origin movie in Man of Steel, and Batman's story just starts in medias res. He's middle-aged, graying a bit and surly, and although we get to see his parents murdered for the umpteenth time, there's no explanation for why Affleck's Batman is the way he is in this movie.

5. We do get far too many dream sequences. Bat levitation where Batchild strikes a crucifixion pose even though that should be Superman's move, a weird nightmare where Superman's got a legion of wasp people or something, something really odd involving a character I later discovered was The Flash (Flash? The Flash? Which is it?) even though I thought it was Robin while watching it. I think every one of those dream sequences could have been cut. They befuddled and muddied up a movie that already suffers from being way too muddy and befuddling.

6. There's a lot going on here. This gets from point A to point Z just fine. I liked the story even though it's got the same structure as every single other superhero movie ever made. You know, the whole starts quiet, hits a big moment, settles down to develop, hits another big moment, kablam with a crescendo involving an assload of CGI, settles down, end with some sort of cliffhanger thing? What's unfortunate is that it makes stops along B, C, D, E, F, G, and so on along the way, and a lot of those tangents didn't seem to fit. This was a really long movie, and it didn't need to be. I'm not sure I've seen a movie containing so many scenes that could have been deleted scenes. This movie is bloated.

7. [Possibly, there are spoilers here.] The way the other Justice League heroes are teased was really silly. Aquaman, The Flash (Flash?), some guy without legs. Watching Wonder Woman watching clips of those guys like she was checking out Youtube videos was just goofy. I'm also not sure why Batman decides at the end of the movie that he and Wonder Woman need to find these other characters. Aquaman looks capricious, Flash (The Flash?) seemed incoherent in that dream sequence, and the other guy doesn't even have legs. I don't even know who that legless guy is supposed to be. Ok, I just looked him up. Cyborg? There's a robotic superhero? I had no idea, but I am not happy about it.

8. [There are probably spoilers here, too.] There are all sorts of silly coincidences in this movie, things that just don't make sense. With this much money involved and the hordes of people who had to have come together to tell this story, you'd think that sort of thing wouldn't happen. Nobody looked at the screenplay and had the guts to tell somebody that the whole "Martha" plot point was stupid? It seems like a whole lot of rainy punching could have been prevented if somebody had mentioned "Martha" earlier. Later, Lois Lane somehow knows exactly what she needs to do even though she had just done the exact opposite and had nobody tell her anything different. Apparently, nobody at all lives or roams the streets at night in Gotham or Metropolis or wherever the big fight with the CGI antagonist took place. Superman starts hallucinating on a mountain and has a conversation with a dead Kevin Costner. Why's Lex Luthor, or Lex Luthor's son or whoever the hell he's supposed to be, need to have his head shaved before being Hannibal Lectered?

9) Just so many tangents! I think Zack Snyder, Academy Award winning screenwriter Chris Terrio, and David S. Goyer who wrote those Nolan Batman movies were overly ambitious. This movie would have benefited from being simplification. These guys wanted to show Batman and Superman fighting each other because it's sort of promised by the title, sprinkle the seeds of the Justice League because it's also promised in the title, give us a complex super-villain who in no way could be fleshed out enough with all this other stuff going on, say something about the roles of heroes in contemporary society, allude to things (like the Joker and Robin maybe?) that will likely pop up in other movies, have a giant goopy CGI shit-Kong for the characters to fight (Is that a spoiler? Should I not mention this thing?), and continue the in-your-face Christ metaphor. They wanted to launch, foreshadow, entertain, pontificate, and dazzle, and it's all just too ambitious.

10. [Spoilers] Having said all that, I did enjoy the story. I just didn't like the way it was told. And even though the Jesus figure motif was just as obvious here as it was in Man of Steel, I kind of liked the depth it added. Superman strikes Jesus poses, floats down from clouds, is called a God by Eisenberg several times, dies and resurrects, dies again and In a way, you could read this as a conflict between an optimistic belief in an omnipotent and completely benevolent deity and a dark, pessimistic atheism, the continued efforts to challenge religious beliefs and kill God that have taken place over and over again. Of course, Jesus never had sex with Amy Adams in a bathtub unless that's in a fifth Gospel that I haven't read. But as annoyingly conspicuous and clumsy as it is--Crosses? Really?--I did enjoy the subtext. It gave me something to think about during the big CGI fights.

11. The special effects and fight sequences are really well done. There's a chunk of movie where they work in some Batmobile action, and that doesn't look very realistic or obey the laws of physics. It does remind me of a comic book though, so I guess it works well enough. I'd have to see that goopy shit-Kong again away from the allure of the big screen to see if that CGI holds up. But the big fight between the title characters, the explosions, and the sprinkled action scenes during the build-up all looked great.

12. I thought Ben Affleck made a great Batman. Now, keep in mind that I have no attachment to the character, haven't read the comics, and couldn't tell you if it was an accurate interpretation of the hero. Affleck spends a lot of the movie moping, and he doesn't always have the best lines to say ("I'm a friend of your son" was especially bad), but there's some subtlety to his performance that makes this character in the middle stages of his life more than intriguing.

13. Jesse Eisenberg. I still have no idea what to think about Jesse Eisenberg. There are times when I really like him, and there are times where I think he's just about the worst actor working today. Here, I like what Eisenberg does with the character. Or I at least know what he's trying to do. He's got mannerisms and ticks that almost make you miss him when he's not on the screen, one of the true characteristics of a great movie villain. He's smart and he's mean and he's a little wacky, and Eisenberg gets a lot of the best lines in the movie. Unfortunately, the character is horribly written. There's a descent into madness that doesn't make a lot of sense, and you never really feel like you have a grasp on what he's trying to do or why he's trying to do it. I do like that the character is so prominent, and without him, there would be no indication that this is anything deeper than a movie where people with super powers beat on each other and then try to save the world. He brings some intelligence to the proceedings. But it's a shame the character wasn't fleshed out a little better.

14. I've heard other names tossed around for who should have played Lex Luthor. You know who should have played him though? Nicolas Cage. Don't argue with me because you're going to be wrong.

15. I don't know what to think of Henry Cavill. He still looks like Superman to me, but it's also pretty difficult for a person my age to imagine anybody but Christopher Reeve in that role. And there's just something dickish about Cavill. His Superman sure scowls a lot. But man, he looks good without a shirt.

16. Gosh, I hope Soledad O'Brien is OK.

17. Yes, I'm definitely convinced that I write blog entries that are lists sometimes just because I know it annoys my wife.

18. Do I like the dark tone of this movie, a superhero movie devoid of humor, brooding, and philosophically complex? Or do I prefer the piss-taking tomfoolery of a Deadpool? Or do I like something in between? I don't even know. I'm really asking. I mean, I guess comic book movies are supposed to be fun, but when the fun, humorous ones get dark, I have trouble buying them. And I don't watch movies just to be entertained. I like to think. This is a superhero movie that made me think a little bit and work hard to put all the pieces to the God puzzle together.

19. There's a scene near the end with Lois Lane and Superman that made me roll my eyes. Lane is played by Amy Adams again, but this time, they decided to give her a scene in a bathtub so that they could almost show her breasts. What the hell was that? I have nothing against the upper half of Amy Adams' breasts, but that whole scene was really awkward and unnecessary.

20. I might go back to the mall to do more surveys.

21. Wait a second! Where was Morgan Freeman? Isn't he supposed to be in every movie like this? Did he play one of the bats or one of Superman's wasp friends in Batman's dream? Maybe he voiced Goopy Shit-Kong?

22. I know that Aquaman, Wonder Woman, Ben Affleck's Batman, that robot with no legs, and Flash (The Flash?) are going to get their own movies. Call me weird, but I would like to see dead Kevin Costner get his own movie where he just wanders around playing with rocks and sticks on mountains. Two-and-a-half hours of Jonathan Kent ghost action!

23. Hold on a second! Don't Wonder Woman and Superman become an item in the comic books? Is there going to be a Lane/Kent/Wonder Woman love triangle? Will there be a menage a trois, one that will likely end up in Lois Lane being obliterated? Is Batman going to hit that instead?

24. [Spoiler] Does Jimmy Olsen get shot in the head in this movie or was that some other anonymous guy? I don't remember Man of Steel well enough to remember if Jimmy Olsen was even in the movie.

25. I need an excuse to see another movie at this theater so that I can A) purchase that ball gag and B) ride the train, probably twice.

The Tin Drum

1979 coming-of-age film

Rating: 18/20

Plot: Oskar, the son of either his uncle or another guy, decides to stop growing at the age of three. He spends his days annoying people with a toy drum and breaking glass with his horrifying scream. World War II comes along which ruins everything.

"We dwarfs and fools shouldn't dance on concrete that was poured for giants."

Are there other movies that show the birth of the main character from the point of view of the main character?

This movie feels like it's got one foot firmly placed in reality, one foot tap-dancing in a dream, and one foot kicking dust around in the absurd. That's right. This movie's got three legs. It's the type of movie that demands your attention, and for those willing to devote their attention to the lengthy story that never feels complete and frustrates with its tangents, it will likely resonate in different ways. People living in Europe, people who lived in Europe during the rise of the Third Reich, people with a rudimentary knowledge of 20th Century history, and dwarfs will probably view the movie in a variety of ways. And I imagine people will have different ideas about what Oskar represents. Is he a certain type of people pre-war, perpetually childish and powerless and beating on drums? Is he another type of people, trying to be heard with his screams and percussive talents in a world filled with adults and the consequences of adults? Is he a certain type of people post-war, stunted and looking for a place in the world? Is he a country? Is he a continent?

I love this movie from the start. It's got an otherworldly vibe, the sort of thing that fits right in with other 70's greats. It's timeless even though it all takes place during one of the most recognizable times in mankind's history. And from the get-go, you get a feeling that it's a movie that can take you anywhere. It flows organically, even when what is happening is really weird. It's thought provoking, and there's also some black comedy throughout. At times, it's difficult to approach because you get the feeling it's a very personal look at growing up during a time in history where things like this are happening, but at the same time, you're absorbed by these characters and their situations.

A lot of the greatness of this is in the performance of the kid who plays Oskar. David Bennett ended up topping the five-foot mark, but this was really his size at the age of 11 when he starred in The Tin Drum. You see the story through his wide eyes, and no matter how often you spend with the character--and I think he's pretty much in every single scene in this movie--you never really get used to him. He always seems out of place, alien. He carries the film on his little shoulders, and it's really a performance that would be remarkable for anybody. But for an 11-year-old to display this naive wisdom is especially amazing. Once you see this movie, you never forget this performance.

A still from a hilarious scene where Oskar tries aftershave, screams, and slaps his face with both hands. It's later referenced in Home Alone. 

There are other little people in the movie, too. Mariella Oliveri, I'm surprised to find out, wasn't in any other movies. She plays one of the little people performers later in the movie and gets a great final scene that combines tragedy and comedy beautifully. Fritz Hakl was really great as Bebra. I could have sworn he was also in Even Dwarfs Started Small, but I'm getting my little people confused again. Bebra has clown pals and plays beautiful music with glasses. I also liked the woman who played Oskar's mom--Angela Winkler. I especially liked her nude scene, and I think most fascists would have, too.

Once seen, this is the type of movie that is never forgotten. Of course, I saw it about ten years ago and had forgotten most of it, so what do I know? But that horse's head on the beach, allusions to Kristallnacht, Nazi dance sequences, scenes where Oskar madly plays that drum or breaks glass with his screeching, all those fish. It's all puzzle imagery in a completely fascinating and fantastic movie.

The Last Witch Hunter

2015 fantasy movie

Rating: 9/20

Plot: Vin Diesel hunts down and fights witches.

Vin Diesel gets his D&D on, and I hoped he had fun because I sure didn't. This bulges with gross special effects and dark cinematography, and although there is some comic relief, the vibe remained humorless. Vin Diesel runs around like a burly and punchier Sherlock Holmes. Witches shriek and growl. There's some sort of giant spider thing. The story is largely incoherent although that could definitely be my fault since I turned my brain off about fifteen minutes into this thing.

I will not watch a sequel to The Last Witch Hunter. I will watch any Fast & Furious/Witch Hunter crossover movies though.

This movie did have more gummy bear trees, butterflies, and cupcakes than I would have guessed.