Crank: High Voltage

2009 action sequel

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Picking right up where the first film left off (with the protagonist falling to his death from a helicopter, bouncing off a car, and landing in the street), we find our hyperkinetic anti-hero having his heart stolen by bad guys. He tries to retrieve it, only staying alive by finding creative ways to give his artificial heart electric jolts.

The news guy put it best during the opening five minutes: "Events I can only describe as implausible."

This is more of the same, but that's exactly what I signed up for when popping this in and was therefore happy. This pair of Crank movies might be the most ludicrous action movies ever made, the kind of action movies that make Bollywood seem almost normal. I don't think I've ever seen movies take themselves less seriously than these. The movies are insane, and that's exactly why they need to be seen. Statham, brilliantly over-the-top for the duration, says "Just just me" at one point in the proceedings, and that's a little how you'll feel while watching this--juiced, electrified, likely erect.

Gratuitous nudity and violence abound, and Statham and company get some of the dumbest things ever written for movies to say. It's a tribute to Statham's acting prowess that he's able to say things like "Who's got my fucking strawberry tart?" with a straight face. I also really like Dwight Yoakam's Doc Miles character. If they make no more Crank movies, Doc Miles should pop up as a character in other movies, probably saying things like "Is Doc Miles gonna have to choke a bitch?"

Speaking of bitches, I can imagine people having a problem with the role women play in these movies (mostly [entirely?] whores and strippers) and the homophobic slurs. I don't think I'd excuse either, but when your movie is written by pimply-faced 13 year olds (at least I assume it was), it might be expected.

David Carradine makes one of his last movie appearances as a character called Poon Dong. Because of course he would. He's great in his limited screen time.

Aside from Carradine and Statham, the latter who is clearly taking the piss with these, I liked the actor who played The Ferret. That's Clifton Collins Jr., and he gets a great dance scene.

The thing always threatens to go just a bit too far (Godzilla monster fight scene, for example?), but it's always in the name of good non-clean fun. I mean, why would I complain about characters turning into giant monster versions of themselves and fighting after that strawberry tart line, the "9 seconds later" transition they use at one point, shot gun sodomy, shot-up implants, Statham barking (after goat-bleating in the first movie) while wearing a shock collar, a character with "full body tourettes," horse cock, panties caught in teeth at a horse racing track, nipple slicing, and the line "Fuck your mother! I let the boss know you shit in Superman's stomach!"

I took notes on this movie, but they caught on fire during the credits and were completely destroyed. So I don't have much else to say.

Oh, one more thing: Mike Patton, Faith No More frontman turned experimental cartoon music maker, did the score for this, and I thought it was tremendous. It really help the whole thing seem like a cartoon made for grown but immature man-children.

And yes, I did watch this right after Pather Panchali. Find me another blogger or movie critic guy who has done a Pather Panchali/Crank: High Voltage double feature.