Birdemic: Shock and Terror

2010 masterpiece

Rating: 1/20

Plot: A young couple fall in love. Eagles inexplicably begin attacking; sometimes they explode. The couple fights for survival and learns about the importance of taking care of the environment.

James Nguyen directed this. The story goes that it took him four years to make this beast of a film, and he was understandably disappointed when Sundance rejected it. To promote the film, he decorated his van (probably the same one in this movie) with fake blood and birds and drove around blaring screaming and screeching sounds out of speakers. He got the idea for Birdemic: Shock and Terror from watching The Birds and An Inconvenient Truth.

This'll be the worst movie I see this year. It's The Room quality but with more action. You know, because of all the exploding birds. They don't show up right away though. Like Hitchcock, Nguyen gradually builds up the suspense. The first forty-five minutes involves the main characters hooking up, but about half of that time is used for scenes of the guy character driving around. There's even a lengthy scene where he leaves his house, gets gas, and then goes back home. That's it. Nothing else happens. He just gets gas. Another great scene that seemed utterly pointless involves a business meeting-turned-celebration where the actors stand around clapping for a very long time. I'm talking about an unnaturally long time.

Unlike Hitchcock, this movie's got this wild is-this-thing-on camera work and the worst sound problems you will ever experience while watching a movie. I don't think I'm wrong about that either. And the birds look like cartoons and don't mesh with the real stuff at all. It's the worst CGI that I've ever seen, and I'm pretty sure your average ornithologist, when given very tiny magic markers, could have done a better job just drawing directly on the film. And, as I mentioned before, they sometimes explode when they collide with things. The juxtaposition between the romantic plot of the first half of this movie and the bird apocalypse of the second half is so jarring. There are a couple of scenes that might foreshadow a bird apocalypse, but for the most part, it's just wham-bam-thank-you-m'am! Bird attack! Add the most irritating sound effects ever, and you've got something pretty special. Just check it out for yourself:

Yeah, those are coat hangers that they're defending themselves with. But don't worry--the guy in the brown shirt's got a machine gun in his van, and believe me, he knows how to use it!

The lead actors are awful. Alan Bagh might as well have been made of plywood. His co-star, Whitney Moore, is cute as can be, and I nearly gave the movie an extra point just for her posterior. But the "supporting casts" (that's what it says in the credits) is what really makes this a magical experience. Moore's character's mother seems bad at first, but then there's an extended shot where she's giving a thumbs-up sign that made me change my mind. There are two child actors playing Susan and Tony, and they are truly awful, even compared to other bad child actors. But in this movie, they just fit right in. There's a hippie character whose lines are stolen from John Lennon songs (and An Inconvenient Truth) and he might get the line of the movie when he says, "Whoa! I hear a mountain lion!" Guy-in-Easy-E-Shirt and Lady-on-Bus-with-Colorful-Shirt are only on the screen for a few minutes, but they really shine. So good. And just when I think periphery character acting can't get even worse, our characters enter a gas station and meet the gas station employee. Oh, boy. There's also a great musical number called "Just Hanging Out" sung by somebody named Damien Carter.

There's another picture of a bird attack. I know I didn't set it up or anything, but neither did this movie. And I wanted to both shock and terrify you. I apologize if you wet yourself. Here's what happens to you after you get attacked by these birds, by the way:

The thing that makes this one even more special is that Nguyen's got an environmental message that he wants to hammer into our heads. It's clumsy hammering though, like he's using a giant inflatable hammer and trying to drive in a thumb tack. There are news snippets (fake ones) about polar bears dying, scenes where the main character is trying to have solar panels added to his house, conversations with an environmentalist/bird professor ("You certainly know a lot about birds." "I should. I'm an ornithologist."), and my personal favorite touch--a scene of serenity near the end of the movie where the characters eat seaweed on a beach, serenity that is interrupted by the little girl saying she wants a Happy Meal which apparently is the cue for the cartoon eagles to start attacking again. Nguyen must not like McDonalds.

I wonder how Nguyen feels about Zubaz, the best pants money can buy?

This movie is highly recommended to all lovers of bad movies. It really has to be seen to be believed.

Oprah Movie Club: Joe vs. the Volcano

1990 romantic comedy

Rating: 16/20 (Jen: 13/20)

Plot: The titular loser's stuck in a dead-end and depressing job in the depths of a gray building where artificial testicles, amongst other things, are made. As a hypochondriac, he makes frequent trips to the doctor. He complains that he doesn't feel right, and a doctor informs him that he has brain cloud and only five to six months to live. Joe quits his job with style and takes a secretary out. The next day, an eccentric gazillionaire shows up and makes Joe a proposition. He wants to pay for Joe to travel to a Pacific Island and throw himself in a volcano so that he can get his hands on a mineral needed to make superconductors. Yeah, I'm not sure that made much sense either. Joe agrees, buys a lot of stuff with Ossie Davis, and then begins his journey.

So how cute is that Meg Ryan? I've always been apathetic when it comes to Meg Ryan, but I was really impressed with the trio of characters she played here--the secretary, the flibbertigibbet (Full disclosure: I had to give this movie a bonus point for using flibbertigibbet.), and the yacht lady. Cute as a freakin' button, no? Tom Hanks? Well, I was distracted by his hair in this one, maybe even more than I was when I watched The Da Vinci Code. He's kind of like the straight man in this giant cosmic joke played on his character, and the performers around him, even though they're barely more than cameos, are memorable and a lot of fun. I always enjoy Dan Hedaya, and he's funny as Joe's boss with all those repeated lines about how so-and-so can get the job but can he do the job. Robert Stack plays the coolest-sounding doctor ever, Lloyd Bridges is hilarious as Graynamore, and it's always good to see Ossie Davis. The luggage salesman (Barry McGovern), Abe Vigoda, Nathan Lane. They're all great periphery characters. You really have to be willing to let go of the real world and just accept the way things happen in this movie, but if you do, I think this one's a rewarding experience. It's like a fairy tale with a little more depth, a story about letting go, taking chances, and living the big life that you've been given. It's probably too surreal and free-floating for the rom-com crowd and too goofy and Meg Ryan-y for a lot of people, but I thought it had enough giant dogs to make it worth anybody's time. And hammerhead shark puppets! That made me laugh. This one's worth watching multiple times, by the way, to catch some recurring imagery (check out that lampshade) and repeated lines (lots of "soul" stuff here).

Joe vs. the Volcano was Barry's pick for the Oprah Movie Club.

Young Frankenstein

1974 comedy classic

Rating: 18/20

Plot: A descendant of Dr. Frankenstein tries his best to live a life of obscurity but can't escape his famous ancestor's reputation. He inherits his castle, gets himself a hunchbacked Igor and a sexy laboratory assistant, and finds the notorious doctor's secret library. He begins to experiment.

I'm just going to say it--Gene Wilder's work in this is the greatest acting performance of all time. Let me make sure I'm being clear here because I'm not just talking about a performance in a comedy or a performance by a person with hair like that. I'm talking about the greatest acting performance of all time. His highs and lows are pitch perfect, and so is his comic timing. And I just love it when Gene gets mad. It's exhilarating, and I would honestly not be surprised to open a National Geographic and find an article about a tribe of people in some country I've never heard of who do nothing with their time but chew on leaves and have religious experiences while watching scenes from Gene Wilder movies. Now I'll accept one argument to my claim that this is the greatest acting performance of all time. Only one though--that Gene Wilder tops himself as Wonka. I'll give you that. The psychedelic boat ride scene with that creepy poem is about as good as it gets. But his work in Young Frankenstein has got to be in the top two. The rest of this cast is great, too. Love Feldman's hammy Igor, Boyle's monster, Leachman's Frau Blucher, and Teri Garr's Inga, the latter with sex appeal that rivals Mamma Fratelli's. Kenneth Mars' inspector character isn't around much but nearly steals every scene he's in with a Peter Sellers-esque role. Not all the gags work here, expected with something that Mel Brooks put together, but when this connects, it hits hard. Fans of childish word play will have a head start. And I really like how Brooks keeps things classic with the black and white, the score, and the elongated exterior and interior shots of the castle. One could argue, by the way, that things go a little too far with a song and dance number when Frankenstein and his creation perform "Puttin' on the Ritz" as it almost clashes with that classic feel. But you know what? Just thinking about that scene cracks me up so much that it's difficult to both type and swallow. And I know that tribe in the National Geographic loves that scene. That's probably why they don't wear pants actually!

Me: Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein--greatest performance in movie history.
Jen: Gene Wilder? What happened to his career?
Me: He had cancer.
Jen: That's not funny.

The Goonies

1985 slice o' childhood

Rating: 11/20 (Jen: 13/20)

Plot: Two brothers are about to lose their house and hangout of the titular gang of dorks because some land developers want to get their hands on the land. Luckily, they conveniently find pirate One-Eyed Willy's treasure map in their attic and decide to go treasure hunting. It's an adventure that leads them to the hide-out of escaped criminals.

"But Jen, you've got to see The Goonies! I can't believe you didn't see this as a kid!"

I'm not sure why I said that. I hadn't seen this movie since I was twelve, and it wasn't really one of my favorites anyway. As an adventure story, it sufficed between installments of Indiana Jones maybe, but this isn't really something that I remember enjoying all that much back then or that made me nostalgic now. I guess I was just surprised that my wife hadn't seen it. Chances are, some of the kids in her neighborhood watched it on their VCR's, and if that's the case, I'm sure my wife would have at least heard the movie as a child since it's probably the loudest movie of all time. If you want the experience of a daycare with much older children but don't want to leave the house, pop The Goonies in. It's an hour and forty minutes of prepubescent boys screaming as loudly as they can. Sometimes they urinate. Sometimes they curse. Now I'm no prude, but with the amount of shits in this movie, I had trouble figuring out who the audience was supposed to be. I don't imagine older children would like it, and I don't think 1980's parents would be too happy with the potty mouths. I don't know. Maybe I am a prude. More offensive than that is the acting of Jonathan Ke Quan, Short Round himself. I can tell you why that kid didn't have a more fruitful acting career--he's fucking annoying. Midway through this movie, I was hoping that scary guy from Temple of Doom would pop out and rip his heart out. And every single scene that features one of his dumb inventions manages to top (or bottom) the previous one. Corey Feldman's annoying in a different way, but the other kids aren't all that bad. Oh, wait. Jeff Cohen's Chunk is obnoxious, too. There's another guy who Hollywood thankfully decided didn't deserve to be in more movies. The guy who played Sloth even got more work than him. Actually, I'm surprised there wasn't a sequel called Goonies 2: Sloth and Chunk Gay It Up. And before you tell me--yes, I am aware that this has a sequel. I don't think my eardrums could tolerate it though. I did like most of the adult actors though. Joe Pantoliano and Robert Davi make good bumbling crooks, and the always-fetching Anne Ramsey's as nasty as you'd expect her to be. There's another sequel that should have happened, by the way--Goonies 3: Mama Fratelli's Bedroom Adventures in 3-D. Robert Duvall could have been in that one. Or a Quaid brother. Or both Quaid brothers! That son of a bitch would almost write itself, wouldn't it? Opening credits. A bunch of gratuitous sex scenes. Sloth busting in on Mama Fratelli and Dennis Quaid doing "The Double Kangaroo" and yelping out, "Hey, you guuuuuuyyyyys!" Roll credits while some Cyndi Lauper song plays. Boom! It's a billion dollar idea. This movie is disappointing because in the hands it was in, it really should have ended up a classic adventure story for kids. Instead, it's annoyingly loud, inappropriate, and not nearly as much fun as it should be.

Swingers

1996 bromantic comedy

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Mike is a comedian who recently moved to L.A. to from New York to make it big. He becomes despondent after his long-time girlfriend breaks up with him, and his friends drag him from party to party and bar to bar in an attempt to cheer him up.

Is it just me or is Vince Vaughn actually funnier the Psycho remake than he is in this movie? This movie's just not for me. There's too much Big Voodoo Daddy, and too many allusions to things in the 1990s, a decade I don't really like that much anyway. Seriously, these references are going to firmly lock this comedy in that decade, and it seems dated to me watching it fifteen or so years later. My biggest problem with Swingers is that I either can't connect to characters like this or I just don't buy that characters like this actually exist. First, you've got Jon Favreau's dopey protagonist, a comedian who doesn't say a single funny thing in this movie. Vaughn's character is annoying, and I think I broke a finger or two punching my television after I'd finally had enough of the deluge of "baby's" and "money's" that smother the dialogue. Baby? Money? Did I hibernate in the mid-90s and somehow miss a time when people used these terms? Was it a West Coast thing? Whatever the case, it was grating here. I laughed during a scene where the characters were playing a hockey video game and smiled during a rendition of "Stayin' Alive," but other than that, I can't say I'm happy that I watched this.

Swingers trivia: At the 1:16:29 mark, an extra looks into the camera.

Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy

1976 x-rated musical fantasy

Rating: 8/20

Plot: The titular librarian's got "all the right equipment but [she] don't know how to put it to work." At least that's what the mechanic who's got his eye on her says. She begins to dream about living a more adventurous life, right there in the library, when a talking white rabbit visits. He leads her through a mirror into a sexual wonderland. Sex is had; songs are sung. And there are enough bad puns to make you gag.

For my money, the "Dingaling" song (not to be confused with anything Chuck Berry ever sang) during the Humpty Dumpty scene is the best song from a musical of all time. "His dingaling up, his dingaling up, he can't get his dingaling up!" And I'm not just saying that because of the lesbian nurses although they probably did put me in a better mood. This is my first dip into the porn genre here on the blog. I'm going to try to make a whole bunch of entries tonight to hide this one from my wife. Honestly, this mid-70's sexcapade seems pretty tame, but I don't (honestly) have anything to compare it to. Heck, you see neither pecker nor snatch until the twenty-three minute and twenty-one second mark although the nipple did make an earlier cameo. Mostly, this is just nutty, probably as you'd expect from something calling itself an "x-rated musical comedy." The comedy is terrible, cheap attempts at copping Lewis Carroll's word play that could have been penned by anybody who's worked a cash register at an adult video store. The music is 70's cheese, but it's not bad, all things considered. And there's that "Dingaling" song. I suspect this has a little more plot than your standard pornographic flick, probably enough to be frustrating for somebody looking to shoot his wad early and often. When people in goofy costumes aren't having sex, this almost looks like a cheaply-made experimental movie, almost like something a Kenneth Anger might throw together if he was feeling especially randy. You could almost argue that there's a point, a narrative outlining a journey of sexual awakening for a typical girl. Mostly, it's just nutty though. You get characters in spandex and furry hats and mittens, talking rocks teaching the art of auto-manipulation, the Mad Hatter's 9 3/4 "thingamajig" (that's not his hat size!), and Richard Brautigan (no, not really) as Jack. It's a little bit of fun for a little bit of time, probably more for people who enjoy watching other people doing it in a variety of ways.

Now don't tell my wife or her sister that I watched this. Thanks.

Street Thief

2006 faux-documentary

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Although reluctantly, the titular professional Kaspar Carr gives two documentary filmmakers permission to follow him around as he gets some work done. Then, something goes wrong. Then, some other things happen.

This is a fresh look at the crime genre thanks to the director and star's borrowing of the currently faddish mockumentary sub-genre. In a way, it's a lot like one of my faves, the great Man Bites Dog, only not nearly as violent or dark. Director Malik Bader plays the thief, and apparently he does a good enough job that there are some people who think this whole thing is real. I enjoyed the complex character, components of real street thieves Bader encountered while living in Chicago. There are things about this that will frustrate a lot of viewers. Not a lot happens for large chunks of time, but for me, the attention to minutia was appreciated as it really helped characterize and add to the enigmatic, open-ended denouement. The film's style gave it this ultra-gritty feel that also contributed to the real-ness of the story. I enjoyed the twists and turns of this guy's story and thought this was a really interesting character study. It's fun to read message board posts about how this is real, too.

Reservoir Dogs

1992

Rating: 18/20

Plot: A gaggle of criminals attempt to steal some jewels, but it doesn't turn out very well.

Still fresh--20 years later. It's a canned food movie. I could complain about Tarantino as an actor. You know, I think I will complain about Tarantino as an actor. No, the movie's wouldn't be the same without him in there, but that doesn't mean he should have been in there. When he "acts," it just looks like he's about to bust into a series of uncontrollable giggles. Still, it somehow manages to fit, just like these criminals discussing Madonna and arguing over tipping manages to work. I could watch Harvey Kietel kicking somebody for hours, and I even like Tim Roth here, even when he seems to be channeling Bobcat Goldthwait. Verbose and wormy Buscemi, unhinged and shuffling Madsen, Chris Penn rocking that track suit. I'm sure if Tarantino had a do-over, he'd put Chris Penn in a pair of Zubaz. And then there's Laurence Tierney who kicks everybody's ass, both on screen and probably literally. It's amazing to me that Tarantino had such a command of things with this first effort. The plot is effortlessly complex, fragmented in a way that manages to enhance the feelings involved with these characters. His characterization, dialogue, use of music, utilization of the Wilhelm Scream, and numerous left-turns look like the work of a guy who has made at least two movies! It's the work of an auteur and something that, after you're finished, makes you say, "Wow! That was as cool as it gets!"

Has anybody seen the Asian movie that Tarantino ripped off with this?

And hey, readers, do you know what I just discovered? Zubaz pants are only $29.99 on the Zubaz website. You should check it out!

Midnight in Paris

2011 romantic comedy

Rating: 15/20 (Jen: 13/20)

Plot: A screenwriter-turned-struggling-novelist and his fiance travel to the titular capital with her parents. Gil falls in love with and is inspired by the city, but isn't as thrilled with all the time they're spending with Inez's pretentious friends. He stays at the hotel one night while she goes out partying, and during a late-night stroll, he magically stumbles into the 1920s and meets up with Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Stein, and other literary heroes and artistic luminaries who, along with a mysterious little hottie, inspire him creatively.

It's Woody Allen making a romantic comedy with elements of fantasy, so what's not to like? This one's got the time travel which is cool, and it's fun watching out for all these people I'm going to pretend I've actually heard of. The comedy's more cute than it is funny, and although I almost like Owen Wilson has a goofy Everyman, I was really questioning whether or not he was working here. Ultimately, I decided that I liked the dopiness and naivete that Wilson brought to the character. It helps the viewer experience his story with the same big eyes he's got throughout the movie, and the performance takes any cynical edge this could have had. Like he did with New York City previously, Woody captures Paris on the screen beautifully and in a way that makes it just the type of place where a modern fairy tale like this can happen. I think he's having a lot of fun with all the literature, art, and music allusions, too. I'm not sure Dali had Adrien Brody's nose, however, and I'd like my dad to see this to tell me how good Corey Stoll's Hemingway is or isn't. In other news, I might have a thing for Marion Cotillard. Don't tell my wife!

The Beaver

2011 Muppet prequel

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Some antisemitic guy gets depressed and starts talking to and through a the titular puppet that he found in a dumpster. His family has a problem with it.

If Hesher is an after-school special with a bad-boy edge and a ton of curse words, The Beaver could be described as an after-school special with a puppet. There was a lot of potential here actually with a story that could have had some real depth and could have packed a real emotional punch. Unfortunately, it's very poorly written and doesn't feel fully realized. And I'll have to admit that I feel a little cheated since I went into this thing thinking we'd have scene after scene of Mel Gibson making love to his own hand. But that's likely my fault. Mel Gibson is dynamic in this, a chance to show some versatility. His character's got all sorts of angles, and good old Mel handles them all in a way that doesn't make the character as dopey as a character with a beaver puppet should be. And that's important. When the story focuses on his character and his family, this is actuallypretty good. But there are tangents, and when we move to the subplots involving his oldest son's love interest etcetera, this fumbles.

It's a shame this wasn't a box office smash because I could spend hours playing with them. Probably inappropriately.

Escape from New York

1981 action movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: It's the future, and New York City is a walled maximum security prison. Actually, it's the past if you're watching this in the future and not in the past that was 1981. And I just took some of those words straight from the poster which is just the sort of thing that keeps people from following this blog. What? He plagiarizes from movie posters? That guy's got no credibility. Back to the movie--the president has crash-landed in Manhattan, a problem since he's carrying Samuel L. Jackson's briefcase and all. An ex-Marine (or something) and current criminal named Snake Plissken is coerced into flying in to save him. And the world!

Dang, this movie looks so good. The Big Apple's all oily and moody in the early flyover scenes, and it's impossible not to think about September 11th when the plane's heading for the city. And maybe--just maybe--that's where Osama bin Laden and his gang got the idea for this movie. And if that's true, we should blame John Carpenter for 9/11. Or Snake Plissken. Snake Plissken. What a name. You almost have to give bonus points just because the hero's name is Snake Plissken. And you're just not a true American if you don't give bonus points to the movie for having a hero who sports an eyepatch and a pair of Zubaz. It's like they looked at Kurt Russell and said, "I don't know about this guy. He can flex his cheek muscles and all, but does he really look tough enough?" before somebody suggested, "I got it! Let's get him an eyepatch!" and somebody else suggested, "And a pair of Zubaz!" Pretty cool supporting cast here--Harry Dean Stanton, Lee Van Cleef, Ernest Borgnine, Isaac Hayes. None of them rock the Zubaz though which actually might make them slightly less ridiculous than the hero. And yes, I'm fully aware that my mentioning of Zubaz and especially the providing of a link to the Zubaz website is as bad or worse than product placement and that that could be another reason why I don't have more people wanting to read this blog. But hey, if the people who make those idiotic pants decide to throw a little money my way? It'll all be worth it.

Zubaz--best pants ever! Dare to be different! Buy some today! Better yet--buy some tomorrow! If you don't, I will more than likely blame you for the 9/11 attacks.

Trollhunter

2010 troll movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Some documentarians--a couple guys and a gal--investigate murmurings of some kind of monster in the woods. Hey, wait a minute!

Actually, the kids are trying to figure out what's killing bears, but they stumble upon a guy who claims to be the titular hunter of trolls hired by the government to keep these giant trolls in their place and the secret of their existence a secret. He reluctantly agrees to let them tag along, probably because the girl is kind of cute.

Hell yeah! Rampaging trolls? I'm all over that. This puts a new spin on both monster movies and the found footage genre. The special effects are very good in that the giant trolls manage to mesh with the settings, but I do with they would have done a little more. They're really kind of there to be seen and then later turned to stone or evaporated. One would think that this found footage stuff would get old, but this Blair Witch-but-with-special-effects works because it's got a sense of humor. It toys with Norwegian folklore and never quite takes itself seriously enough to be a straight horror movie. The acting works well enough to keep the "This is real!" claim at the beginning afloat even though there isn't a single person on earth who is going to watch this and think it's real.

Well, I take that back. I did have a student this week who genuinely thought the Paranormal Activity movies were real. Maybe I should show him this and see what he thinks.

I liked the title character played by Otto Jespersen, ruggedly and aloofly, and I may have given this movie a bonus point for how pretty Norway looked. This is a very cool movie with a nicely indeterminate ending, and I'd say it's a must-see if you're into trolls.

The Devil's Sword

1984 Indonesian kung-fu craziness

Rating: 7/20

Plot: There's the titular sword, a crocodile nymphomaniacal goddess who enslaves the men of nearby villages, a guy who wears bedazzled diapers and a shiny headband who sometimes floats around on a rock, and a bunch of crocodile men. Mayhem!

I might have to check out more Indonesian kung-fu movies or at the very least some Barry Prima. I'm sure the guy's like the Indonesian Bruce Lee. Only better because he hasn't died yet. Hell, he probably never will. The story for this thing, by "MAN" according to the credits, isn't all that important. It's Indonesian poetry, with action hero Barry Prima who almost knows movie martial arts fighting guys dressed up as crocodiles. This has some of the most inept fight choreography you're ever likely to see, guys moving slowly like they're waiting for their next scripted lunge. If head-loppin'-off's your thing, this has several decapitation scenes. You also get guys sailing off at ridiculous heights after being sliced, sliced with a sword that isn't even the demon sword. And those silly crocodile men who sometimes, but not always, hop into action. Seriously, check this out:

There's one scene (if you're in to this sort of thing) where Barry Prima has sexual relations with a crocodile. Not a crocodile man, you pervert, but an actual crocodile. See:

You'll just have to take my word for it that it's even hotter when they're moving. Actually, that might be a crocodile man after all. I couldn't focus because I was freaking out! I think it was the synth-laden score, or maybe the funny feeling that the crocodile queen gave me during those hypnosis scenes. She was a hot little number, living in her underwater den where special effects look a whole lot like cheap magic tricks. The scene where she's on a spinning bed surrounded by a ring of fire is exactly how I imagined sex to be when I was nine. And there's a huge orgy scene near the end of this (it actually interrupts the big climactic action scene and brings everything to a grinding halt) that I'm sure was an inspiration for that goofy rave sex scene in that third Matrix movie. This has some other cool characters, too. A skeletal boat man was pretty rad. I was really digging the kung-fu stylings of this guy with a skinny neck (I think his name was Skinny Neck Guy) who waits around for a while before flipping into action and showing off this uniquely awkward style. But his demise is unfortunately very quick. The crew of evil warriors are cool, too, with their interesting weapons and their ability to burrow underground or fly around, but the preface to their big battle scene was so lengthy. At least they threw out some good Indonesian kung-fu trash talk: "You polluted bitch hound!" and "Dirty daughter of a whore!" were my favorites. The witch hag, an evil warrior whose weapon appeared to be a bundle of weeds, was neat. I don't want to give too much away, but you don't ever want to count her out, even when she's cut in half. Oh, I just gave too much away. I guess it won't hurt to show you this then, a hideous monster in a cave filled with all kinds of half-assed booby traps:


This is recommended for anybody who's ever wanted to see Barry Prima have sex with a crocodile. I realize that's a very specific fetish, but I'm sure you people are out there.

The Station Agent

2003 movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: The oddly-named Finbar McBride becomes the titular station agent after his only friend passes away and leaves him a tiny bit of land and an abandoned train depot. He clearly wants to be left alone but reluctantly befriends a hot dog vendor who sets up his stand in the weirdest place imaginable and a female artist who almost runs him over twice. Oh, and the guy's a dwarf. I forgot to mention that part.

All three of these characters and the performers who play them are extremely likable. Peter Dinklage is so good as the main character. He displays every single emotion that the script calls for, mostly without having to say a single word. It's really good seeing him in a starring role, and watching his character grow (Oh no he didn't!) is a rewarding experience. Bobby Cannavale brings an enthusiasm as the gregarious purveyor of hot dogs, and Patricia Clarkson is really good as a secretly complex character. Great cast. If there's a problem, it's that the characters don't have enough to go on here. They've got their back stories and their share of unspoken issues, but what we see on the screen isn't a whole lot of story. Still, as a quirky character study, this works really well. I like these movies where you have these characters who need each other, especially if they don't really understand how or why they need each other. I would have liked to have seen more of Paul Benjamin actually, but this movie wouldn't have made much sense if he lived more than ten minutes into things. A sweet little movie that is almost exactly what it needs to be.

Hesher

2010 after-school special

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Dwight from The Office loses his wife, and he and his son are having difficulty coping. Dwight grows a beard while son T.J. obsesses over purchasing the car his mother was killed in from the junkyard. Dad mopes on the couch; T.J. deals with a bully who makes him lick urinals. Enter the titular uninvited guest, a long-haired tattooed rocker with a scary van and a dirty mouth. He makes a mess of everything.

I'm not sure if the poster is supposed to look like somebody left it in his pants pocket and accidentally sent it the washing machine or not, but I guess it fits. It's heavy metal and all, right? This movie and Gordon-Levitt go for attitude over substance, but this movie really felt flat to me, like an after-school special with a whole bunch of cussing. I kind of liked the titular character, more as a symbol than as an actual flesh 'n' blood slacker, but Gordon-Levitt is just a little too sure of himself here, leaning too heavily on the character's written antics and fuck-filled lines and not giving Hesher any real depth. Comically, it works though. The Star Wars trash compactor scene re-enactment is a hilarious bit of frantic genius. I also really liked the "on one condition" flatulence bit, something I might borrow for my personal life. Which might make the point since, as I said, he's really more of a symbol for this father and child anyway. Rainn Wilson's not bad in a more dramatic role, but he's got the same problem with a lot of sitcom stars with very recognizable faces--it's just hard to take him seriously. The youngster, Devin Brochu, really does a good job with an emotionally tough role. His character is put through quite a bit. Hell, he falls off his bicycle at least three times in this movie. I realize that's probably a little stuntman though unless Devin Brochu is the Tom Cruise of child actors or something. Natalie Portman's performance is dull, but it might have more to do with her character being pointless. Well, no. She's actually just not very good here. I didn't buy that character at all. Things are just implausible in this, and although the sentiments are nice, I just had too much trouble connecting with these characters and their story in a way that was meaningful.