The Comedy

2012 not-comedy

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A spoiled guy drifts through life and annoys people.

Tim Heidecker stars in this. He, along with Eric Wareheim, made Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie which I refused to enjoy, and he also hosts my current favorite movie review show On Cinema which you can watch on Youtube. He does that with comedian Neil Hamburger, and both Hamburger (as Gregg Turkington) and Wareheim are in this movie. But this is Heidecker's chance to show off, and his performance is just about perfect. What Heidecker's good at, both here and the online movie review show, is being awkward. He's got a screen presence that can make a viewer uncomfortable, and he's perfect for his character in this who seems like a candidate for one of the worst human beings who ever lived. He's like Nicholson's character in Five Easy Pieces although updated for the naughtier naughts. His reaction, or more accurately a complete lack of reaction, to a person having a seizure is a genius display of non-emotion. With Heidecker and friends, you'd expect this to be a wacky irreverent comedy, and it's really not, despite that title. Or maybe it is, but it's one of the darker comedies you'll see. There's a lot of funny stuff going on, seemingly improvised, but this weird sadness kind of creeps in and overwhelms the whole thing You're not finishing this movie feeling like you just watched a comedy. When the performers do improvise and go for laughs, they go straight for the potty, having conversations about how hobos' cocks are as clean as a baby's breath and hospital scalpels. Subversive humor to say the least, but it comes across as tacky and makes you not like the characters very much. Heidecker's character's decisions don't make a lick of sense, and the episodic structure and almost complete lack of anything resembling a plot--there's something about a dad dying, a brother in a mental institution, and an inheritance, but none of it seems to matter much) gives this a dreamy tone. And it makes you a little uncomfortable. That all starts with the provocative intro with the mellow sounds of some funk song while tubby guys dance and pour beer on each other and in their underpants. And then--a dick. You'll cringe right off the bat and possibly continue to cringe, but there are a few moments in this that are almost beautiful--a final scene that takes place on a beach and one where the friends have gathered to watch a slide show. And there's a Baron-Cohen-esque scene where Heidecker goes into an African American bar and nearly improvises himself to death. This movie feels raw and challenges; it almost barks at you though it barks in a laidback sort of way. It's definitely not for everybody and might not be for very many people at all, but it really surprised me.

Aliens

1986 sequel

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Ripley's convinced to travel with some soldiers to the planet from the first movie to check on some colonists. They have to square off against a bunch of Xenomorphs.

This replaces the chilling atmospherics and almost raw poetic and almost elegant creepiness from the first movie with non-stop action. And as far as non-stop action Hollywood blockbustin' action goes, James Cameron nails it. This pretty much takes the ideas from the first movie and increases the quantity while sacrificing the quality. This is bigger, bloodier, and louder, but if the first movie is a knockout, this is like a violent and exciting uppercut that looks great on the television before replays show that it didn't connect with anything. And Ripley's underwear fits a little better. The minimalist music that worked so effectively in the first movie is replaced with dull, predictable stuff. The space scenes look terrible compared to the first, odd since this comes about seven years after its predecessor. The characters run around like living and breathing stereotypes. There's a black guy chewing on a cigar, a bunch of asshole marines, an ultra-tough Latina, Paul Reiser's villain. They're Hollywood clichés except for my favorite character in this--Lance Henriksen's android Bishop. Bill Paxton is awful as one of the space marines and was apparently told that he needed to screech all of his lines. As much as I hate cats, I wasn't happy with the kid Newt who replaced the cat from the first movie. With this collection of characters, it's not hard to see why I was rooting for the titular aliens pretty early in the proceedings. Sigourney Weaver's character turns into Bruce Willis--taping space guns and flamethrowers together and discovering her inner-badass. Actually, I guess she retains her hair in this movie, so maybe she doesn't quite turn into Bruce yet. I was surprised to learn that she was nominated as Best Actress for this. She's at her best as Ripley here, but is it a Best Actress worthy performance? Maybe she was nominated for the scene in the elevator where she screams, "Come on, God damn it!" I've decided that I'm going to do that every time I use an elevator from now on. Don't get me wrong. This is a mostly entertaining movie even when it feels a little too ludicrous. Cameron knows how to put together an action sequence, and the last half of this movie is relentless action--just action piled on top of action, an orgy of action! It's a great action movie, but that's a little disappointing since its predecessor approached something a little closer to great art.

Supposedly, there's a subtext here, and this is a Vietnam allegory. I don't know anything about that. I didn't learn about Vietnam in school.

Alien

1979 sci-fi horror classic

Rating: 18/20

Plot: The titular fiend is loose on a spaceship where it starts picking off the crew one by one. A woman with ill-fitting underpants has to stop it.

This is the movie that my "ill-fitting underpants" tag was made for. And this is a movie that I was fascinated by way before I saw it. It came out when I was six, far too young to see it since the poster alone is terrifying. My father, however, bought me a Xenomorph doll, a foot-tall plastic guy with a button in the back that, when pushed, pushed a second set of menacing teeth from his mouth. It was not an appropriate gift for a child of six, and I didn't know what to do with it. I probably had my Star Wars action figures kill it over and over again. Anyway, I saw the monster in this franchise long before I saw the first movie which seems odd because one of the reasons why I think this movie works so well is that they don't let you see the monster for a really long time. You see eggs, you see a Facehugger (coincidentally also the name of something you can purchase from certain prostitutes), and you see the Xenomorph in bits and pieces, but you don't see the monster as well as I saw it in plastic form on my birthday when I was six.

It's hard to find a flaw in this movie, and I should probably give it a 20/20 just because it's one of the best science fiction movies of all time, one of the best horror movies of all time, and probably the very best horror/sci-fi movies of all time. The story's derivative, and it's easy to find the same yarn spun in the 50's and 60s'. Here, here, and this here Mario Bava film are some examples I could think of. The story had never been told like this, and it's never been told this successfully since. The opening credits and the way the title appears--deliberately, like the rest of the movie--with the scraping and rumbling minimalistic music set the tone early. Then, Ridley Scott gives us a tour of the Nostromo, taking his time to get to any characters or a story. The characters are snoozing anyway. The set design for the spaceship is impressive except for the Christmas lights on the bottom of it. That tour of the Nostromo creates this sense of loneliness, makes it palpable. Space looks great in this movie, too, no better than what Kubrick did the previous decade though. Kubrick didn't have Harry Dean Stanton though, and this movie does. There's not a lot of character develop here as they're kind of just there to be killed by the Xenomorph. But they get to exist like you'd figure bored astronauts would exist. I like how the dialogue is handled during a less-famous dinner scene where the characters talk like they think they're in a Robert Altman movie. The biggest surprise about the characters? Just look at the last three survivors--a black guy and two girls. Who would have predicted that? The black guys are always the first to go in horror movies! And women? A lot of the fear in this is because of how effective Scott is at building up tension. It's relentless, even if you've seen the movie. It's almost relentless even if you're not seeing the movie. There are times in this when you could listen to the sound effects alone and be terrified. There are a ton of memorable scenes and shots. The more-famous dinner scene reminds me of a Thanksgiving dinner I was once at, only less gruesome. I still remember watching that scene for the first time and being shocked and mesmerized. And check out that cute little guy skitter across the room! There are scenes that would terrify claustrophobics even more than non-claustrophobics, but a lot of the fear, I think, has to do the amount of sexual imagery in this thing. The imagery hits you more psychologically--taking advantage of women's fears of being sexually assaulted and men's fears of being attacked by a homosexual. Next time you watch this thing, watch for sexual imagery just to see if I'm making it up.

Prairie Love

2011 movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A hunter in frozen North Dakota saves a stranded man's life and later steals his identity in order to meet his pen pal girlfriend upon her release from prison for sexual reasons.

This is a very quiet movie, like the Coen's Fargo with the sound and style turned all the way down. That's not necessarily a terrible thing. I enjoyed the leisurely pace and attention to details that don't really matter at all. There are shots of rattling things on the main character's rickety trailer, and they don't add to the character much or the plot at all, but they lend some flavor to the movie. The director, by the way, is named Dusty Bias, and this is his debut. I'll be following his career, mostly because his name is Dusty Bias. He takes things so slowly here which allows the viewer to absorb everything. That keeps things kind of uneasy since there's really not that much to absorb. A lot of people will find this thing too slow and the characters too unattractive and uninteresting. And a lot of people probably won't find this very funny although it is a darkish comedy--kind of a grayish comedy. There's ill-fitting underpants during a run through the snow, perhaps the bravest and coldest-looking running I've seen since that guy in that Inuit movie, Atanarjuat: The Fast Runner. A frozen deer prop is used in funny ways, including an odd parallel episode where characters suggest to the guy, "Maybe you should taste its blood." Things move from naturalistic to just plain goofy with a play dinner, and the main character dressing up as a cowboy, making pow-pow-pow sounds, and saying, "Look at me. I'm a cowboy, ya know." This is a comfortably odd comedy that I'm glad I accidentally watched.

Five Easy Pieces

1970 character study

Rating: 18/20

Plot: Bob takes a break from his meaningless and directionless life of odd jobs to return to his former life with his well-to-do family of musical geniuses because Dad's dying. After a visit of a couple weeks, he returns to his directionless and meaningless life.

If this movie was made today, Nic Cage would have to play Dupea. And although he's one of the finest actors to ever grace the silver screen, he's not touching what Jack does here. Nicholson's performance is otherworldly, transcendent. This character-in-limbo study works for me, mostly because of that performance. The movie's driftless, just like his character, but Nicholson holds this whole thing together, gives it this chewy center. I could watch him attempt to order toast for hours, but that most famous scene in this movie isn't the only place he shines. His road rage is complete genius, all intensity and random shouting. "Why don't you flash your lights so we can see what else you got for Christmas?" And when his barking turns to a piano solo? Unforgettably beautiful. There's also a Nicolas Cage-esque freakout in a car, and his demonstration of Vegas rehearsal piano playing is so nutty. It's truly a virtuosic performance. I also enjoyed Billy Green Bush despite his dumb name as Dupea's buddy Elton. He's got a great southern chuckle which he demonstrates during some bowling alley antics and after pulling something out of his nose. He's also the reason I get to use my "ill-fitting underpants" tag, and, unless I heard incorrectly, he called Jack a "shit ass" at one point. One little detail that I like: during the scene where Jack visits his sister in a recording studio, you can hear the sound of a rewinding tape, backwards piano as a clue to what we're supposed to be looking for in Jack's character. I like that. Five Easy Pieces, a movie with a title I won't pretend I understand, also has arguably one of the best endings.

"Her name's Twinky."
"Twinky?"
"Yeah, cause she's so Twinky."

That's not the ending, you shit ass.

Hesher

2010 after-school special

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Dwight from The Office loses his wife, and he and his son are having difficulty coping. Dwight grows a beard while son T.J. obsesses over purchasing the car his mother was killed in from the junkyard. Dad mopes on the couch; T.J. deals with a bully who makes him lick urinals. Enter the titular uninvited guest, a long-haired tattooed rocker with a scary van and a dirty mouth. He makes a mess of everything.

I'm not sure if the poster is supposed to look like somebody left it in his pants pocket and accidentally sent it the washing machine or not, but I guess it fits. It's heavy metal and all, right? This movie and Gordon-Levitt go for attitude over substance, but this movie really felt flat to me, like an after-school special with a whole bunch of cussing. I kind of liked the titular character, more as a symbol than as an actual flesh 'n' blood slacker, but Gordon-Levitt is just a little too sure of himself here, leaning too heavily on the character's written antics and fuck-filled lines and not giving Hesher any real depth. Comically, it works though. The Star Wars trash compactor scene re-enactment is a hilarious bit of frantic genius. I also really liked the "on one condition" flatulence bit, something I might borrow for my personal life. Which might make the point since, as I said, he's really more of a symbol for this father and child anyway. Rainn Wilson's not bad in a more dramatic role, but he's got the same problem with a lot of sitcom stars with very recognizable faces--it's just hard to take him seriously. The youngster, Devin Brochu, really does a good job with an emotionally tough role. His character is put through quite a bit. Hell, he falls off his bicycle at least three times in this movie. I realize that's probably a little stuntman though unless Devin Brochu is the Tom Cruise of child actors or something. Natalie Portman's performance is dull, but it might have more to do with her character being pointless. Well, no. She's actually just not very good here. I didn't buy that character at all. Things are just implausible in this, and although the sentiments are nice, I just had too much trouble connecting with these characters and their story in a way that was meaningful.

Withnail and I

1987 comedy

Rating: 18/20

Plot: Two unemployed actors go on a vacation to the countryside, apparently because doing absolutely nothing can get exhausting. They have hilarious misadventures.

"We've gone on holiday by mistake!"

So it turns out that the great Daniel Day-Lewis was offered the Withnail role but didn't take it. As good as he is, it's just hard for me to imagine that anybody could top what Richard E. Grant does with this character. That's high praise. Really though, none of the performances in this one really stand out from the others because they're all good. Even that guy's afro gives an award-worthy performance. This movie is so quotable, but typing the lines I like the most just wouldn't do them justice. You need to hear them in the almost no-context context in which they're presented from the lips of these character actors. "No, it was like this long white hat" would probably be hilarious if you read it in the script, but it's magically hilarious when Ralph Brown's Danny says it. Withnail and I makes me laugh, but there's also this melancholy bubbling beneath the surface, and the end really gets me. I think my favorite moment might be a look on Withnail's face following a sharp "Ponce!" Love this movie. It's got voodoo qualities!

Basket Case

1982 horror sleaze

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Duane travels to the big city with a basket containing the lumpy blob of a brother who was formerly attached to him. They're not there to sightsee though. Oh, no. They're on a mission of revenge to kill off all those responsible for separating them. But Duane finds love, and brother Belial isn't happy about it at all.

What percentage of female first-time viewers of Basket Case (to be honest, I can't imagine there are many female fans of this movie) watch and just pray that there will be a Bilial sex scene somewhere in the sleaze? They'll get their wish with what will undoubtedly win my annual "Sex Scene of the Year" award. As a guy who enjoys both puppets and stop-motion, there's no way that I'm not going to enjoy Bilial. This is one of the cheapest movies you'll ever see, but it's got this grimy style and filthy charm that, although not something that will appeal to everybody, puts this a notch above its landfill-dwelling brethren. The most obvious thing you have to overlook is some of the worst acting ever. Kevin Van Hentenryck, the guy who plays Duane, is like a poor man's Bud Cort, and the periphery characters (mannish prostitutes, hotel managers, shady doctors) are played by actors/actresses who are each worse than the one who preceded them. Bad acting can be entertaining, but the stuff in this crosses a line into a new level of bad. I really enjoyed some over-the-top sound effects and a really weird soundtrack. There's a funny "woo-woo-woo" thing during a scene when the camera reveals an empty basket (Woo woo woo!), and the exaggerated squishes, wickery creaks, and audible drooling give this a disgusting edge. Basket Case isn't played 100% straight, and I laughed most during some flashback scenes, including an operation scene with some hilarious dubbing. This has enough sticky violence, creative garbage cinematography, and fun for somebody in just the right mood.

I'm pretty sure most of the budget for this one was spent on the basket, by the way. It's a pretty nice basket.

Brewster McCloud

1970 bird documentary

Rating: 16/20

Plot: After stealing from the wardrobe of Waldo (of Where's Waldo infamy), the titular Brewster hides out in a bomb shelter deep within the Astrodome. He spends his time studying birds, developing intricate wings so that he can fly, and exercising his flying muscles to prepare for when the big day arrives. He's helped by his guardian angel, the woman in the shower in that one scene in M.A.S.H. Meanwhile, a mass murderer is apparently on the loose in the greater Houston area, and a

Whether or not you actually like this movie (and I suspect there's only a small percentage who will), you've got to at least appreciate how different it is from anything else, even other Robert Altman movies. I imagine there are a lot of Altman fans who wouldn't necessarily like anything about this movie, and a lot of fans of Brewster McCloud who might not like any other Robert Altman movies. But I don't know who those second group of people might be. Part-fantasy, part-social statement, part-murder mystery, part-nature documentary, the mash-up that is Brewster McCloud succeeds as an oddball in the oeuvre of Robert Altman and cinema in general, like a crazy aunt you forget you have until you read about a news story about how she's living in a studio apartment with more than thirty cats and piles of Popular Mechanics magazines with all the eyes cut out of the pictures. About that comedy--a lot of it's the sort of humor where you're not even sure if there's an intent to be funny. There's an odd combination of the old-timey slapstick you'd expect to see in something from the 20s (chase scene with a portly Astrodome security guard and Brewster before the latter has gotten a line), word play reminiscent of a Laurel and Hardy feature (a hilarious exchange between the detective and a guy about the height of a suspect), and really dry humor that you might miss if you blink (opening music credited to Francis Scott Key). The movie begins with a tongue completely piercing a cheek and popping out the other side and never goes back in, a big ol' middle finger of a movie after Altman's success with M.A.S.H. I really like Bud Cort in this, but Sally Kellerman as that sexy wingless guardian angel and the always-sexy Shelley Duvall are also really good. This is a fun movie that gets better with repeated viewings, and I'd definitely recommend it to three or four people, none who I have actually met yet.

Inside Man

2006 Spike Lee joint

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A super smart criminal matches wits with a super smart cop after taking some hostages in a New York bank. Somehow, Jodie Foster is involved.

Cool heist movie with enough twists and turns and folds to keep me interested all the way to the end. It's not always totally believable, and the story may be so brittle that you don't want to start poking at it, but it's well acted, and I like how it all unfurls. This is one of those movies that gets better and better as it goes along, as it effectively creates tension and intrigue. Lee tells his heist tale with grace and without cliche, and even though a lot of the ingredients are the same as the ones you'd find in any heist thriller director's kitchen, this still manages to be an original. Do the right thing, and give Inside Man a chance!

The Family Man

2000 Nicolas Cage movie

Rating: 10/20

Jack Campbell's got it all! He's a hotshot businessman with a high rise apartment, a Ferrari, and sleek underpants. On Christmas Eve, on the verge of a gazillion dollar merger, he decides to buy eggnog on the way home and has a run-in with a punk trying to rob the eggnog store. He tells the punk that he has no regrets in life, and the punk looks at him knowingly, so knowingly that you realize he's not a punk at all but actor Don Cheadle. When Jack wakes up the next day, his apartment's turned into a home in the suburbs, his Ferrari has become a mini-van, and his bikini briefs have transformed into boxers. He's married to his former sweetheart, has a pair of kids, and sells tires for his father-in-law's business. Oh, snap! He tries his best to figure out what the hell's going on so that he can return to his normal life.

What if. . .

I had decided to watch a different movie, say The Projected Man or Little Big Man or maybe Encino Man?

it was discovered that Nicolas Cage was not only the nephew of Martin Scorsese but the son of the guy he looks exactly like on the above poster, Jimmy Stewart?

Frank Capra had come up with this idea, the idea of a character seeing how his life would be different if different choices would be made, and filmed this sixty years ago?

Jack Campbell's skull would have suddenly caught fire and he hopped on a motorcycle and started hunting down bad guys?

I got a second chance to watch this movie for the first time?

Tea Leoni's shower scene would have been over an hour long?

this movie didn't have big chunks that made absolutely no sense?

Jack Campbell's really odd behavior in his new life wouldn't have been so awkward that his wife and friends would have had him committed?

this wouldn't have been so episodic, so chunky?

this movie wouldn't have had "man" in the title?

I had a heart and not groaned audibly when, after playing a ten second game of chase in an area no bigger than ten square feet, Jack Campbell's daughter, who previously thought that aliens had taken her real daddy, said, "I knew you'd come back"?

I fell asleep halfway through this and missed the ending, therefore never ever figuring out what happened to Jack Campbell, a character I had trouble caring about anyway?

the above poster wouldn't have been so silly and never inspired me to make fun of it in this blog entry?

I told you that, similar to how his father Jimmy Stewart is best in movies when he's really angry, Nicolas Cage is at his best when his character is frustrated by confusion?

Nicolas Cage's line "Is this like a Christmas [big pause] JOKE?" had been answered with a gigantic "Yes!" by a narrator and followed immediately by the sudden appearance of an accordion quintet whose playing inspired the characters and two dozen elves to dance for the remaining hour of the movie?

this idea would have been handled by a writer, director, and actors who were far more competent?

Jack Campbell would have been allergic to bees?

I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With

2006 fat guy comedy

Rating: 9/20 (Jen: 5/20)

Plot: A fat actor living in Chicago with his mother is having a bad day. His agent drops him, he's fired from his job, and his girlfriend dumps him. He sneaks out of an Overeaters Anonymous meeting and heads right into an ice cream shop where he meets Sarah Silverman, a woman I'm not even convinced is human. She's bizarre, but he digs her, and eventually, they do it.

Jen hated this movie so much that she's barely spoken to me today except for a few times when she's hollered things. It's not been a good year for Curb Your Enthusiasm-related movies as Jeff Garlin wrote, directed, and starred in this affair. Sure, you get to see Sarah Silverman, suspiciously sans head, in underpants, but you don't get to see Jeff Garlin in underpants which is why I took the chance with this one anyway. There are a couple mildly amusing moments, but I only laughed one time during a scene involving a giant pirate head. But I laugh at mascots all the time, so that probably wasn't really funny. Seriously. Next to the place where I get gas, there's a Kentucky Fried Chicken, and the first time I saw the Colonel (not him, but some sort of statue) sitting on a bench inside, I laughed for a solid ten minutes. Gas was leaking all over the ground, I was rolling around and holding my sides, an elderly woman kept asking, "Is he having a seizure or something?" It was great. And sporting events? If there's a mascot involved, it doesn't matter what the final score is. Everybody wins! My first erection was actually at Busch Stadium in St. Louis as I watched Fred Bird dancing on top of the visitor's dugout. I've been to Disney World a few times, but I'm no longer allowed to go back because I humped Pluto's leg and fondled Baloo the Bear. It's a lifetime ban, one that I think is really unfair. But I digress. Back to this ridiculously titled movie. The story's a bit random, and there were too many characters in this movie for only a few minutes. The writing had an improvisational quality to it, usually something I'm not going to mind at all, but the problem was that it just wasn't all that funny. So, to recap: Sarah Silverman trying on underwear? Good. Pirate? Great! No scenes with Jeff Garlin trying on underwear? Depressing. What do we learn? A two-hour movie featuring nothing but Jeff Garlin on top of Mr. Redlegs while Sarah Silverman tries on underwear in the background would probably be the greatest movie of all time. Get crackin', Hollywood!

Leolo

1992 French movie

Rating: 17/20

Plot: Leo Lauzon's family is insane and dysfunctional. His grandfather attempts to kill him, and his siblings even have their own wing of an asylum. That's why he dreams his way out of his life, transforming himself through his writings into Leolo Lozone, the son of an Italian man who masturbated on a tomato that his mother later fell on top of. Yeah, I'm not sure about the science of that one either. He reaches adolescence and becomes sexually aware, discovering masturbation himself and fantasizing about an older neighbor named Bianca.

Forget the very solid performance by Maxime Collin as Leolo. And forget the lyrical and beautiful narration, the dreamy cinematography, and the couple Tom Waits songs used. I didn't need the literary script, the gradually episodic unfolding of this coming-of-age story. No, I was sold within the first ten minutes during a scene in which a guy enthusiastically ejaculates on some tomatoes. That scene could have lasted two hours and been enough for me. This movie has some really bizarre moments, perversely bizarre. But it succeeds because it allows you to connect to the characters no matter how strange their situations might be. This film consistently surprised me. It'll move along like a lullaby, leading the audience through a dream landscape, and then suddenly hit you with something funny, unexpected, and bizarre. I won't spoil, but there are scenes with meat, a grandfather, and a cat that are just wonderful. This reminded me at times of My Life as a Dog. I really didn't like the music that much, but I did start to wonder (too late unfortunately) whether or not each of the characters had his own music. That could explain why the soundtrack was so wildly uneven. There was gypsy music, throat singing, Tom Waits, silly French pop music, creepy ambient stuff. Like all good movies like this, this smoothly shifts from humorous to touching. This is a movie that I'll admit I didn't completely get this first time I watched it. Luckily, it's entertaining enough to eventually watch again.

A Winter Rates recommendation. And now I know where he got that "meat" idea.

Dementia 13

1963 horror mystery film

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Louise and her husband John are boating. He informs her that according to the will, his death would mean that she wouldn't get any money. Then he conveniently dies. Louise ties on an anchor and hurls his body into the lake. She then writes a letter from John to his mother explaining that he won't be able to visit on the anniversary of his little sister's funeral. She then travels to Ireland to visit the Haloran castle and find out what she can about her husband's family. It turns out that they're really weird.

I was really confused during most of Dementia 13. There's a whole lot going on, the characters' actions don't make a lot of sense, and there are two actresses who look exactly the same. This one has a lot in common with Psycho. It's nowhere near as good though it does have a lot of individual scenes, some stylistic touches, and two pretty blond women who look exactly the same that make it worth watching. It's also worth watching for anybody wanting to see what Francis Ford Coppola was up to before he started doing stuff that made him Francis Ford Coppola. The ax murderin' scenes are very well done although I think it accidentally gives away the murderer too soon. A scene at the beginning where the husband is dumped from the boat and sinks followed by his still functioning radio is also a nice scene. I'm not sure they'll be easy to find, but I'm going to try to find Dementias 1-12 to watch.

Whatever Works

2009 comedy

Rating: 7/20 (Jen: 3/20)

Plot: Boris is a curmudgeon, a misanthropic former near-Nobel winning physicist who lives alone in a messy apartment following his divorce. A cute runaway from the South winds up on his doorstep. She needs food and shelter, and he decides to help. They sort of fall in love. Then a bunch of other things happen, none of them the least bit funny.

I like Larry David. I really do. So I was pretty excited when I read that he was making a film with Woody Allen. I thought it would be a perfect hilarious storm of neuroses. But oh, Woody. This is a stinker. I'm not going to blame Larry David, although he should have probably read the script and decided on his own, "I better turn this down. I don't think I can convince anybody that I'm a genius. Heck, I don't even think I can convince anybody that I'm an actor." Ninety minutes of movie and my wife and I didn't laugh a single time. That would have been fine if it was clever or sly or witty or something instead, but it wasn't any of those things. It almost seemed like Woody Allen completely lost interest in this movie and decided to rush to an ending, completely ignoring reasonable character development or logic. There's also an annoying breaking-of-the-fourth-wall thing where Larry David's character talks to the audience. It doesn't work. In fact, nothing in Whatever Works works. I should have watched a few episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm instead.

Language arts teacher gripe: At one point in the movie, the genius corrects another character's grammar, saying that she used an objective pronoun (us) when she should have used the subjective pronoun (we). Unfortunately for the genius (and for Woody Allen), he was wrong! It was a hypercorrection and dropped this thing another point for me.

Le Trou

1960 prison break movie

Rating: 17/20

Plot: Four middle class inmates share a French jail cell. They face long sentences and have decided that their only hope is to escape. They've got a wonderfully subtle plan that involves hammering through the floor. Unfortunately, a new guy arrives and they don't know if they can trust him. They do, and together, the men make le trou.

Ahh, I love the prison escape movies. Great Escape, Alcatraz, A Man Escaped, Shawshank, Stalag, Grand Illusion, Papillon, the television show Prison Break. Without question, this one needs to go near the top of the list. Psychologically tense, Le Trou toys with ideas about how movies are supposed to go. Unlike Alcatraz, this seems a little more realistic to me because there's not a recognizable face. That could be because this is French, but I believe Becker used non-actors here. I really did enjoy the audacity and brute force the men use to bust through the floor of their cell, but I also like the tiny details of their plan that are revealed. The pacing allows for you to both appreciate those finer details and feel like you're in there with the hopeful prisoners. I also really liked the character development at the beginning of this. I thought I was going to have trouble keeping the characters apart, but they're developed into separate entities very naturally early on. Le Trou is a prison escape movie that not only thrilled me but one that really hit me in the gut. I felt these characters. And I'm so happy I got to see most of them in their underpants.

This was a winter rates recommendation.

Zaat

1975 monster movie

Rating: 2/20 (Jen: -1/20)

Plot: A bitter and insane scientist, Dr. Leopold, transforms himself into a "walking catfish" in order to get revenge on colleagues who doubted his ideas. He also wants to team up with other aquatic beings in order to take over the world.

The first fifteen minutes of this is just footage of a tired looking dopey scientist shuffling about, occasionally twiddling with knobs. We get to hear his thoughts which barely make sense. We also get to hear his Vincent Price-esque evil laugh which begs the question--do actual evil scientists really stop their thoughts to laugh evil laughs in their heads? The remaining seventy-five minutes or so of the movie is a ratty-looking sea monster shuffling around, occasionally twiddling with knobs. The soundtrack of this movie consists of one obnoxiously repetitive moog synthesizer dick-around after another. Seriously, I could have spent a couple hours with a moog and come up with a very similar soundtrack. For a while, this was in the so-bad-it's-entertaining camp, but by the end of this, it felt as if somebody had repeatedly slapped my brain. I did laugh nearly every time somebody died in this horror film. That's usually not a very good sign. There is some really nice (stock?) footage of sea creatures. Of course, there's also the filmmakers' sorry excuse for a killer sea creature:

For reasons I can't explain, I felt filthy after watching this movie and required a hot shower. If you're looking for this atrocity, it does have alternate titles including Attack of the Swamp Creatures (even though there is only a single attacking swamp creature in the movie), Blood Waters of Dr. Z, and Hydra. Like all movies that contend for the title "Worst Movie Ever Made," nobody associated with the making of this film was ever allowed to work in the movie industry again.

The Last Detail

1973 movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Two Navy lifers have to transport an inexperienced kid to a Marine prison because he tried to steal forty dollars. Along the way, they decide to treat him to one last good time for his eight year sentence begins.

Perhaps I'm a dope, but I was sold on the authenticity with this one. I imagined that this is exactly what life in the Navy was like in the 1970's. Jack Nicholson distracts me in nearly every movie he's in, but he, Otis Young, and Randy Quaid (speaking of dopes) delivered realistic portrayals of Navy men at similar but completely different points of life--being young and fearful of losing freedoms you always imagined you'd have and being older and feeling trapped by your decisions and dismayed at the ennui. The dialogue is crispy and sometimes lewdly funny, and the rapport between the three men develops perfectly as they travel together and trash hotel rooms, locate whores, drink, drink again, and enjoy the perfect fifty cent sandwich. If nothing else, this movie made me want to grow a mustache, wear one of those Navy hats around, smoke a big cigar, and say things like "Grab your cocks and drop your socks! We're going to party!" An entertaining and different sort of buddy road movie. Oh, and before I get angry comments from the Randy Quaid Appreciation Society, I'm not saying that he's a dumb guy or anything. His performance here as a mild dope (as opposed to the absurdly dopey or mentally challenged dopey characters he seems destined to play) is very good, and I found it very easy to identify with his character. So get off my back, Randy Quaid Appreciation Society. Get off my motherfucking back.

On the Beach

Feel-good film of 1959

Rating: 17/20 (Dylan: 8/20)

Plot: The Cold War swings into action and almost immediately ends. Now, thanks to radiation, everybody's going to die. Stupid people. An American submarine reaches Australia where they wait anxiously for news about whether the radiation cloud will reach them. The last men and women on earth confront their impending doom in various ways.

I love it when a movie can be removed far from the context in which it was first seen (1950's Cold War fears) and still retain relevancy. On the Beach has an interesting story and characters anyway, but to me, its greatness is in the many great moments that it has. When Peck's character talks about his family for the first time, the cock-eyed camera visually reminding us what a cock-eyed world we live in, he's acting straight from the heart. Dylan told me while we were watching this that Gregory Peck is the 5th best actor of all time, (Two video game voice actors and Keifer Sutherland are ahead of him.) and he is really good in this, a perfect blend of nearly-submerged melancholy and tired hope. That scene is his best in the film. Every second of the scene in San Francisco is pitch perfect. Each member of the crew takes his turn peeking through the periscope, ending with the rhythmic clang of the periscope's handle and tears in his eyes, is a moving scene, and the submarine drifting away from the guy who decided to stay behind is another memorable, great scene. The Grand Prix race (and the after-effects in Julian's garage) is really well done. The look on Julian's face captures this perfect bittersweetness, such a hopeless fulfillment of a dream. The last image of the movie is also fantastic. Well-acted from top to bottom and shot with some great details (loved the bicycles). That sure was a roomy submarine though, wasn't it? And I could go without hearing "Waltzing Matilda" for a very long time.

Natural Born Killers

1994 Oliver Stoned movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Mickey and Mallory haven't enjoyed the easiest lives. None of that matters, however, after they meet and fall in love. They marry and take a romantic road trip for their honeymoon.

This is one of those movies like Team America: World Police, Pirates of the Caribbean, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, The Happening, The Life Aquatic, and Punch Drunk Love, the type of movie that I really like but have to answer a scrunched-up face asking, "What? You like that movie?" whenever I mention it. It's wildly imperfect. And Oliver Stone takes so many chances and dicks around so much that it winds up looking, at times, like the cinematic equivalent to vomit. But I really like what this movie says (about society's sick attachment to violence, the way the media feeds that monkey, our willingness to consume crap, the power of love) and I have to respect a movie that takes these kind of chances. When I saw this in the theater, it was so unlike anything I had ever seen. Tinted film, cameras askew, distorting faces, psychedelic imagery, grotesque visuals piled on top of grotesque visuals, the ornery and almost irrational switching from different color film to black and white and back again, headache-inducing tomfoolery. I was mesmerized then and still am when I watch this one. It's completely over the top, but it needs to be over the top. From the beginning bit of darker-than-darkly comic ultraviolence that introduces the two killers to the scenes with Mallory's family and her abusive father (genius casting of Rodney Dangerfield) that parodies a situational comedy complete with canned laughter to the amazingly ludicrous prison escape, it's impossible to take your eyes off the screen. Is it too much for most people? I'd have trouble arguing that it's not excessive. There's far too much going on in scenes. It's an assault on the senses. Your poor inebriated eyes want to separate to watch what's going on in different parts of the screen. Your ears are attacked by what sounds like multiple songs being played at once (which is what literally is happening at one point). Speaking of the soundtrack, it's just as uneven as the movie, but there are some really interesting choices, and this was my introduction to Leonard Cohen. If I remember correctly, Trent Reznor had something to do with the soundtrack. The performances are nearly perfect from top to bottom. I remember how shocked I was seeing Woody Harrelson who I only knew as Woody from Cheers. Nothing will make me like Juliette Lewis, but I can't think of anybody else who could have been as effective as Mallory. Tom Sizemore injects just the right amount of creep to his performance, and Robert Downey Jr. out Geraldoes Geraldo. And Tommy Lee Jones' performance as the warden just might be one of my favorite performances ever. It's one of those complete transformations and so over the top. Jones is constantly threatening to cross what must be a really thin line between mad genius and what-the-heck-is-this-over-acting-bozo-doing territory. The actors really look like they're having a blast making this movie. So much of Natural Born Killers is just plain wrong, and while I'd never blame anybody for not liking it, I can't help digging it. Definitely the feel-good movie of 1994!

Please use the comment feature below to ask "What? You like this movie?" and tell me how it makes you think of the words "cinematic vomit" when you think about it.