Freaks

1932 circus soap opera

Rating: 20/20

Plot: A circus strongman and a trapeze artist conspire to steal a sideshow little person's fortune. Gooble gobble.

This is a special movie. A lot of its specialness is the context. It's 1932 when talkies are mostly awkward, and as expected from both the time period and the use of non-professional actors, this is stagy. But you look past that because so much of this is stuff you've never seen on screen before and will likely never see again. Sure, certain directors revel in showing audiences the grotesque, but in Freaks, Browning shows it all so casually, and instead of exploiting the sideshow performers in this movie, they're just nonchalantly shown going about their business and are easily more likable than the "normal" characters. This is prior to the enforcement of the Hays Code, and a couple years later, this movie wouldn't have been allowed to exist. Predictably, it was banned in several places as well as being heavily edited by the studio. The studio also decided to tack on a happier ending.

Here's my context: I had heard about this movie long before I saw it. I saw a VHS copy at a library and took it home to give it a spin. I enjoyed the antics of the titular freaks, but the 1930's movie aesthetics were distracting while the story was weak. It's really a side-show soap-opera rather than the horror cult classic that I was setting myself up for. However, I couldn't shake it, especially the climactic scene in the rain that is so wonderfully filmed. I watched it again, and what I thought were flaws the first time I watched it didn't seem important at all. Now that I've seen it a third time, I think it's a masterpiece.

At the heart of the movie is Hans, the little guy whose infatuation with the "most beautiful big person" he's ever seen leads to the tragedy. He's played by Harry Earles who unfortunately has a small discography which includes another Tod Browning movie called The Unholy Three which I liked. He was also in the Lollipop Guild. His wife in this movie is played by his sister which, if you ask me, is all kinds of creepy. His character in this is such a player. Harry and his sister Daisy are both great, and they have these great little people voices. The best Hans scene is when he raves about "Swiss cheese heads" with tiny clinched fist body language. The "laughing" speech is also really good. Of course, this movie isn't just about little people. The first shot of the microcephalic children from the circus with "La la la" circles is plenty shocking, but there's also something beautiful and wonderful about the whole thing. Add conjoined twins, one who is marrying a stutterer; Johnny sans the lower half of his body whose deft maneuvering using on his arms is beyond impressive (Johnny Eck--a guy referenced in a Tom Waits' song); a marriage between a thin man and bearded lady whose offspring just made me try picturing a thin-man-and-bearded-lady sex scene in my head; a guy with no arms and no legs who lights a cigarette (Prince Randian in his only role); a bird-girl; Schlitzie, one of the "pinheads" whose incomprehensible dialogue doesn't even get subtitles; and the 2'11" Angelo Rossitto who gets the "Gooble Gobble" chant started during the great wedding reception scene. From the torn title screen leading into a carnival barker's foreshadowing intro about the "code of living monstrosities" to the shocking rain-drenched finale, this is about as fascinating as movies get, one that has really grown into one of my favorites.

The Lemon Grove Kids Meet the Monsters

1965 children's entertainment insanity

Rating: 5/20

Plot: The titular gang races against a rival gang, fights a guy in a gorilla suit, cleans a starlet's home, and battles sinister aliens in a trio of adventures.

Look out! It's Ray Dennis Steckler, the creator of gems Rat Pfink a Boo Boo and The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? This time, he takes a stab at kiddie entertainment, a trilogy of short films that are like The Little Rascals on mescaline. And with random monsters. In the first, they have a foot race against an antagonistic gang from another grove. They also encounter the same gorilla Rat Pfink and Boo Boo had to battle in that movie. I guess Steckler owned the suit. Or, more likely, the guy who plays Kogar the gorilla owns the suit. His name is Bob Burns, and during his sixty year career as an actor in almost 24 films, he's played Kogar the Gorilla, Gorilla Monster, or Tracey the Gorilla in eight of them. Not that he isn't versatile because he's also a mummy in one of these Lemon Grove things. And he's a "NY Stander" in Peter Jackson's King Kong movie. And he worked on special effects in the Lord of the Rings movies. This whole first adventure--crazy music, bad dubbing, cartoonish sound effects--makes for a maddening experience although it's both completely harmless and energetic enough to be watchable. There's even a Rat Pfink cameo. Oh, and Frankenstein is involved somehow. I should have probably typed "Spoiler Alert" before that though. Things pick up with a little sci-fi craziness with a sexy vampiresss and a grasshopper alien. When the latter talks, it's a beautiful thing. The former is also a beautiful thing, but I would never type that as to not invite accusations of objectification. I was totally objectifying her though. Steckler's in this himself as Gopher, the goofiest of the Lemon Grove Kids. He operates under his cool-guy moniker Cash Flagg here, and his finest moment is when he does a bunch of animal impressions. But his bad acting is overshadowed by his own daughter Laura as Tickles. Her acting almost makes it seem like she had decided at the age of five that she hated her daddy and wanted to ruin his career. Of course, she must have been a dumb five year old to not realize that her daddy didn't make very good movies in the first place. The sheer zaniness, a catchy musical number that probably took two minutes to write, and a bunch of cheap-looking monsters keeps this fun even when it's nowhere near good.

Buskers: For Love or Money

2008 documentary

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A look at the lives and art of the titular street performers.

This is directed by Mad Chat Taylor who juggles chainsaws at Venice Beach. It's an interesting subject matter, but it's not a terrible interesting movie, especially for one about people who make their living playing with fire, balancing on things in slightly-dangerous ways, juggling, unicycling, escaping from things, and breakdancing. I do like the idea that "all great artists have had a deficiency of some kind," and it was fun seeing some old archival footage of some of the performers in this thing. Most of the performance footage, however, felt a little flat, almost like you actually have to be there experiencing it in the flesh 'n' blood for it to be any fun. I guess that's why people don't watch circuses on televisions. This will probably be satisfying for anybody with an interest in the topic.

Team America: World Police

2004 marionette action movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A stage actor joins the titular terrorist busters, stops a group of terrorists in Egypt with the help of his acting abilities, and then must face Kim Jong Il who is planning to use his weapons of mass destruction to take over the world.

There are a lot of movies that I like that nobody else seems to like very much. I get it most of the time. I don't blame or criticize anybody for not liking Eraserhead. But this one I have trouble understanding. Not even South Park fans seem to like this much at all, and I don't understand why. For me, this is easily the most brilliant and brilliantly executed and consistently humorous thing that Parker and Stone have ever done. They nail big dumb Michael Bay-esque action movies, and the satire is just perfect. Of course, I was sold within the first few moments of the movie when there's a marionette who has his own marionette and a mime. All within seconds! And you get to see puppets engaging in fisticuffs including a guy vs. terrorist fight sequence near the beginning that includes the Crane Technique. And yes, there's the infamous marionette sex scene which is not only one of my favorite sex scenes ever but one that should be required viewing for all newlyweds. These puppets are awesome. I'm easily entertained anyway, so something as simple as getting to see marionettes "walk" around is enough to please me. Still, the way they give these little figures facial expressions and all gives them this realism and makes them seem like better actors than the people who are usually in movies like this. The sets are absolutely amazing with this surprising amount of details. I always imagine Parker and Stone catching part of this on television (because in my mind, they're always in the same room as each other) and saying, "I can't believe we made this thing!" Like most of their stuff, this is also a musical, and the songs are also pretty great. There's a wonderfully catchy song about AIDS, a dumber-than-dumb "Freedom Isn't Free" song which is stupid enough to seem real until a line about how "Freedom costs a dollar fifty" line, fist-pump-inducing "America, Fuck Yeah!" that should probably replace our current national anthem, Jong Il's number about how rone-ry he is, and the brilliant "We're Gonna Need a Montage." The big swing and miss is a song devoted to making fun of the Pearl Harbor movie. Aside from a bit of political jabbing that is pretty harsh on both liberal and conservative ideals, there are plenty of goofy moments that just make me laugh. I don't like all the meta-jokes that draw attention to the fact that the characters are marionettes. Those didn't need to be there. But I laugh every single time I even think about that Matt Damon puppet and his repeated single line. And "No me gusta!" makes me smile. And the line "When you see Alec Baldwin, you see the true ugliness of human nature." Oh, and the line "I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees." A hammer slid across a table, Kim Jong Il's panthers, the gruesome deaths of many Hollywood stars. Seriously, somebody tell me what's not to like here! That's a rhetorical exclamation, by the way, so you don't really have to answer. Bonus nods for a strong use of the Wilhelm Scream and an allusion to the cantina scene in A New Hope. This might not be a perfect movie, but I challenge you to find a movie this freakin' funny that also contains an extended scene of marionettes having sex.

Carnage

2011 comedic drama

Rating: 13/20

Plot: A pair of parents meet after one son hits the other son in the face with a stick. The meeting doesn't go very well.

I like that poster. If the entire movie was colored like that, I would have rated this higher. Carnage is a real-time dialogue-driven piece that looks like it belongs on a stage. In my head, I renamed the whole thing Who's Afraid of Jodie Foster? It was all pretty stagey, and the characters acted just like characters in a play would act. Or in Jodie Foster's case, overact. Boy, she sure can make the veins stand out on her neck. I used to think that John C. Reilly was a good actor, but his questionable role-taking decisions and some stinkers during which he just kind of acts like John C. Reilly does in all his movies have made me wonder. Cristoph Waltz and the fetching Kate Winslet are fine, but their characters are awfully inconsistent. The message at the heart of this movie is so obvious and a little juvenile that I lost interest less than halfway through. The long joke of a movie has a punchline, but it's not one I'll ever think of again, like that joke about the guy parachuting for the first time with an end that I can't remember. I suppose this is a comedy--a grayish one--but I was more upset than tickled by everything that was going on.

The Gods of Times Square

1999 documentary

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A look at religious zealots and street preachers along the sleazy 42nd Street around the time a Disney Store is put in.

This documents a very specific time and place, and it really couldn't be more fascinating. I like documentaries where somebody's just letting a camera roll to capture whatever's captured, and this works best when it does that. A whole sanctuary full of general oddballery here. There's a preacher rapping about "roasting on your roaster while you're toasting on your toaster while you're coasting on your coaster" because "God's gonna treat you like a butterball turkey." Shots of street performers, a woman with two pairs of sunglasses, lots of Calvin Klein advertisements, and strip joint facades interrupt interview snippets with some positively creepy folk, most who seem anywhere between slightly and extraordinarily unhinged. Militant black guys call for a war with whites, and director Richard Sandler and his testicles argues with one of them. There's a guy who claims to be Jesus returned as a grunge musician who is going to first marry Madonna and later get into international affairs. There's a soulful guy who throws in the old "to the break of dawn" rap cliche. There's somebody calling for "faggots hung from lightposts throughout the city" after the faggot Olympics. Mickey Mouse as the Antichrist (I knew it!), Mom and Pop hot dog joint sadness, recurring folk filled with the Holy Spirit. This is a funky montage, filled with characters with eclectic spiritual beliefs. Some of these people even have conflicting religious beliefs within themselves, including the director who claims to be both Buddhist and Jewish at different points. Speaking of him--there are times when I'm bugged by his voice. When he speaks, things get a little frustrating and unfocused, and I thought there were a few times when he was condescending. One other thing that annoyed me was this belligerent fellow who later said he was a substitute teacher. He was so completely rude that I wondered if he was for real. No way a person's going to really act like that. Still, a fascinating document that will very likely make a believer out of you.

Recommended by Matt.

Hop

2011 Easter movie

Rating: 8/20 (Emma: 14/20; Abbey: 20; Buster: 13/20; Jennifer: 13/20)

Plot: The Easter Bunny's son--the next-in-line Easter Bunny--goes to Hollywood to make it big as a drummer. A 20-something with no job prospects and no home but his parents basement befriends him, and they have a little adventure that is partially animated and mostly stupid.

The makers of this thing need to be crucified. I'll give them credit for mixing the animation with the live action really well. The movie looks pretty good. I can't remember the last time I got bored with the story of a movie though. Hating both of the central characters probably didn't help much either. The rabbit is voiced by Russell Brand which seemed to be the main reason Emma liked this movie. No, she's not a Russell Brand fan, but she really liked his voice in this. I thought he was kind of irritating, and I've never thought the Easter Bunny should have an English accent anyway. James Marsden overdid things, probably because he knew he'd be upstaged by a cartoon rabbit in post-production. This movie is predictable, bland, and too colorful. And that chicken! Hank Azaria should find better things to do with his time and talents. It's unlikely that I'm the audience for it, and my girls seemed to like it just fine, but I kind of hope it'll wind up forgotten since nobody will ever feel the urge to pop in an Easter movie around that holiday season like they do with Christmas movies. Speaking of Easter movies though: The Passion of the Christ has about three more laughs than this movie. If Mel Gibson would have had the foresight to add a cartoon bunny to that movie, who knows how much money he would have made. Actually, I'm not entirely sure why a movie hasn't been made about Jesus and a cartoon bunny. Wait, didn't The Last Temptation of Christ have a bunny?

The Hangover Part 2

2011 remake

Rating: 11/20 (Jen: 13/20)

Plot: Second verse--same as the first! Except this time, they're in Bangkok, and there's a monkey instead of a tiger. And they don't lose their friend. No, this time they lose another guy. And Mike Tyson isn't in this one. No, wait. He is in this one!

Jennifer rated this higher than the first movie for some reason. I liked it almost exactly the same but don't remember what I rated that one. We had a few laughs, and I do appreciate that the makers of these things aren't afraid to get really ridiculous. I still like Bradley Cooper (hell, I might have a crush on Bradley Cooper, but plesae don't tell anybody), Zach Galifianakis, and Ed Helms. They're all trying awfully hard in this, but like the first movie, the sheer insanity kind of loses its steam after a while. It's not a bad formula, but the humor's just inconsistent.

When Part 3 comes out, a character's got to die. Probably Ed Helms. That's the only way I'm going to allow them to make another one of these.

Rounders

1998 poker movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A law student quits playing poker after John Malkovich takes all of his money. When an old friend just released from prison gets into a little trouble because of some gambling debts, the law student has to get back in the game to help him.

What's with that poster? I'm not sure any of the actors look exactly like their characters in this movie. It's almost like they photoshopped them all in there or cut and pasted them from other movie posters.

I love this movie and have seen it several times. It's a movie that inspired me to start playing cards, and even though it's obviously movie poker that they're all playing, it's still the most realistic Hollywood poker I've ever seen although The Cincinnati Kid ain't bad. When I saw this the first time, I loved the sleazy underbelly that these characters wallowed in, and I also loved Damon's narration, surprisingly since I don't usually like narration outside of the noir genre. I'm not sure if this movie is quoted way too often or if the screenwriter just lifted from a book of poker cliches, but the narration really helps the uninitiated understand the game.

An aside: I remember playing poker at a guy's house once, and this 20-something named Shawn strolled in with a bag of fast food. "Boys," he announced as he stacked his chips, "you better watch out. I watched Rounders today." From the right mouth, that would have been kind of funny, but Shawn was being completely serious. And then he lost something like 40 bucks.

Look at that cast! Damon's great even though I don't always like how his mouth looks in this movie. It kind of looks like it does in all of his movies. It's that one expression he makes, like tortured acceptance or something. You know the one. John Turturro is used just enough, but like a lot of his smaller roles, you almost wouldn't mind seeing a movie made with his character as the protagonist. Loved his answer and subtle shrug when answering a "How have you been?" question. Edward Norton is fantastic. There's a physicality here that is just perfect, even the way he eats a hot dog. He's just so good at creating this slimy character. "Depends on the grip" is such a great line, and his first scene where he's gambling with cigarettes in his waning moments at the prison really tell you all you need to know about the character. Martin Landau's also really good as a judge. And then there's John Malkovich, playing a fucking Russian. I'm not sure if his accent is terrible or spot-on, but I don't really care. I just know you don't want to touch his cookies. There's a note on them and everything! "Just like a young man coming in for a qvuickies." "I am still up 20 grand from the last time I stick it in you." (That one with a really awkward pelvic thrust which is my current favorite movie scene ever.) "Mr. son ov a beech, let's play some cards." "In my club, I will splash the pot whenever the fuck I please." Oh, he's just so perfect.

The Karate Kid

1984 classic

Rating: 18/20

Plot: Daniel moves to California, gets in a fight over a boom box, and is bullied by skeletons. His apartment's handyman, a mysterious Japanese man, decides to teach him karate for a chance to win a trophy and his dignity.

After watching this for the first time in far too long (Note: I'm thinking of making a monthly viewing mandatory.), the new one with the Fresh Prince's daughter pisses me off even more. This one is about perfect, its only flaw being that it was made in the 1980s and therefore has the feel of a movie from the 1980s. I was deathly ill when I watched this but still managed to scribble down some notes. Here they are:

1) Ah, the joy of push-starting your car with trumpet fanfare in the background.

2) What's going on with Freddy Fernandez's shirt? "Makin' bacon"? I totally want one of those, and I'm using it as an excuse to use my bestiality tag. With that shirt, it's obvious that this guy is too cool for Daniel.

3) That old lady from Jersey with a nose for her own? Is it just me or does this foreshadow America's current obsession with people from New Jersey? Does this note even make any sense?

4) Pat Morita turns around--it's another of those iconic movie moments that make an indelible impression on the mind.

5) Love the rapport between Miyagi and Daniel. Morita's broken Yoda English and Macchio's Jersey accent clash and compliment each other so perfectly in this movie.

6) I'm so glad Daniel wore his nicest jean shorts and muscle shirt to the beach party. No matter Elizabeth Shue wants him. It's love at first sight of those jean shorts and muscle shirt.

7) "You sure pick cool people to be friends with, Freddy. Where's you find this guy?" Yeah, I'd expect more from a guy with a "Makin' bacon" t-shirt, too. But c'mon, beach partiers. Didn't you see Daniel playing soccer earlier?

8) Macchio really knows how to rock a pair of sweat pants. Actually, the costume people for this should have been fired. Macchio's so good in this movie, and I can only assume that his character's fashion choices had everything to do with his career not really going anywhere after the Karate Kid movies. Camouflage pants with a plaid shirt? Who dreamed that one up?

9) Pain, fear, defeat. Those are things that don't exist in that dojo. Of course, that was before the Cobra Kai sensei heard that Joe Esposito song.

10) Ralph Macchio was in his late-40s when he starred in this, but he looks half the age of his "peers." That alone should have made the Academy consider him for Best Actor. Am I wrong?

11) "I hate this freakin' bike!" That scene should have sealed it.

12) Daniel's charming, a guy who knows to smell his pits before approaching his girl.

13) Miyagi words of wisdom:

"If [tree picture] comes from inside you, always the right one."
"To make honey, bee need young flower, not old prune."
"Revenge--start by digging two grave."
"In Okinawa, belt mean no need rope to hold up pants."
"Walk on the left side, safe. Walk on the right side, safe. Walk in the middle, squash like grape."
"Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything."
"First learn stand; then learn fly."
"Trust the quality of what you know, not quantity."
"A license never replace eye, ear, and brain."

14) If there's a costume contest at the Halloween dance, the shower curtain wins. Yes, the matching skeletons are pretty bitchin', but that's like seven guys who all look the same. There's only one guy dressed up as a shower curtain. Can you imagine dressing as a shower and showing up to a party only to find somebody else dressed as a shower? That's a scenario that can only end in one way--murder/suicide.

15) Ok, so why does Daniel go to the Halloween dance incognito to avoid the bullies after successfully avoiding them at school and then pull that stunt with the water? That makes no sense whatsoever. He flees the scene; a kid dressed as Spiderman asks, "Hey, Johnny. What's up?"; and Daniel causes a car accident. That water stunt was no good, Daniel-san.

16) "Check out this chicken. He's wild." That's what happens when you let Ralph Macchio ad-lib.

17) Miyagi kicking ass! That foggy atmosphere. Throw in some Japanese flute.

18) Did you know that Mifune was very nearly Mr. Miyagi. Yes, it's hard to think of anybody else in that role, but think about that one for a while.

19) Hard to imagine anybody but Ralph Macchio in the titular role as well, even if it's a little black girl who happens to be the daughter of a rapper. Macchio's just so natural in this character, and the dialogue and the whole learning karate stuff just feels so right.

20) You have to love 1980's insults. "It must be take a worm for a walk week." "She must like fungus." "You're dead meat!" If I had a dollar every time I said "You're dead meat!" as a kid, I'd have something like fifty cents.

21) Why do they all pile in the front seat of the station wagon? A station wagon is the closest thing to a limousine without being a limousine. That's just my opinion, of course, but prove me wrong. Love how Daniel's mom says "Pop it!"

22) "Pop it!" That and the perfect timing with the "Hi, kids!" when she picks Daniel and Shue up from their date at the go-kart and bounce house place (Forty-year-old Macchio must feel ridiculous in that bounce house) make me wonder if Mother Larusso is a MILF or not.

23) Those training methods: Wax on/Wax off, sanding the floor, painting chores. This shit will be imitated forever but never duplicated. And that scene where Daniel discovers that he's been learning defense all along is such a beautiful moment. I'm not ashamed to admit that it brought on the tears, kind readers.

24) That clapping/healing thing. I once did that to my own testicles when, during a soccer game during recess, I was accidentally struck in the under-carriage. I did it for the rest of the day.

25) The crane. Oh, man. If you're my age and didn't imitate that over and over again in 1984-85, then you probably didn't have legs.

26) I really like the way Miyagi goes "Ut ut ut ut" to correct Daniel-san.

27) "Kindly do it yourself, Mr. Moto."

28) 1980's stereotyping of the rich: They play tennis, dance in country clubs, laugh at kids who had spaghetti dumped all over them.

29) Miyagi refers to his wife as a "damn good cane cutter." Is that a euphemism? Nevermind, I already know the answer to that.

30) That tear down inebriated Miyagi's cheek! Maybe it's just because I'm ill, but I can't handle the emotions in The Karate Kid. I remember being so bored with this scene as a kid though. The whole thing seemed pointless, but it all adds so much depth to that character. So touching.

31) Mr. Miyagi trash talk: "What's the matter? You some kind of girl or something?"

32) I'm torn up again during the birthday party. "Number 1 present" brings more tears. And this exchange:

"You're the best friend I ever had."
"You pretty ok, too."

33) Winner of the first match in open division: Rufus Snyder.

34) Oh, holy shit! Here it comes. If I could have stood up without vomiting, there's no way I would have stayed on the couch once Joe Esposito's "You're the Best. . .Around" came on. Greatest montage ever!

35) "Go get him, Johnny!" This really needed an "Attaboy, Luther!" instead. Somebody does manage to slip in a "Hey, Johnny, you're a cream puff" during a silent moment.

36) "Daniel Larusso's gonna fight? Daniel Larusso's gonna fight!" I don't care what you say--that is one of the most magical movie moments of all time.

37) "Get him a body bag! Yeeeeeaaaaahhhhh!" And then "Daniel Larusso's gonna fight!" is immediately surpassed by one of the greatest lines in movie history. Rob Garrison should win some kind of lifetime achievement award for that.

38) Mr. Miyagi's face before the credits role. Somebody put that shot on a poster!

Screwballs

1983 teen sex comedy

Rating: 8/20

Plot: Four mischievous high school boys receive detentions, and the chaste Purity Busch is partially to blame. They challenge each other to get their revenge by deflowering her.

Purity Busch sounds like a Bond girl. I can't decide if something like this is completely harmful or harmless. It's possibly a prelude to a deluge of shit, a film that manages to be both way ahead of its time and way behind the times simultaneously. Supposed-teen girls are objectified, breasts are exposed, a giant hot dog is abused. But does it hurt anything? The whole thing beings with a giant hot dog gag before moving things to Taft and Adams High (naturally) where we're introduced to the central characters. And that high school seems like a pretty realistic look at 80's secondary education. You've got a girl playing with a yo-yo, another kid playing with an airplane, a guy wearing a gas mask inexplicably, food fights, make-out sessions on cafeteria tables, a lot of hula-hooping, cafeteria bicycle rides, and meat locker masturbation sessions. The latter, by the way, apparently would only get you a detention, by the way. That's the 1980s for you. Oh, wait. This is supposed to take place in the 1950s, I think, but you really wouldn't know it from looking at anything in the movie. Actually, I might just be confused about when this is supposed to take place. Who cares? Is anybody even reading this? Am I even writing it? Part of me wants to give this some bonus points for a scene featuring sex with a stuffed animal, a scene that puts me just one away from completing a sex-with-a-stuffed-animal trifecta. It also has a scene at a drive-in where the kids are having sex while The Wild Women of Wongo plays. I don't know how much of another movie you're allowed to use in a movie, but this must push it to the limit. I think about thirty minutes of this eighty-minute film is The Wild Women of Wongo actually. I also liked a bearded guy with a pipe, one of the strip club patrons. He gets his one second of fame here, but I couldn't find a name for him. And I was fond of all these extraneous animal sound effects. Really, it was just sound effects in general, I guess. Some sound effects guy really took this as his opportunity to shine. Then, there's the biology teacher named Anna Tommical played by Raven De La Croix, the star of such hits as The Double-D Avenger, The Breast Things in Life Are Free, and Frankenstein vs. the Creature from Blood Cove. Here's here imdb.com picture, one apparently taken during her vacation to the inside of a kaleidoscope:

I do wonder what happened to all these kids. I'm too lazy to look them up to see if any of them had a notable post-Screwballs career. That, or I really don't want to spend any more time with this movie.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

2010 anti-Christmas movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: During a mysterious archaeological dig on a mountain in Finland, a nearby reindeer hunter accidentally captures an old man who he decides must be Santa Claus. Soon after, the children of the village start going missing.

This is not just my new go-to Christmas movie. It's also going to be my go-to movie when I want to see a bunch of naked old men. I'm sure this movie breaks some kind of record for most old man junk in a Christmas movie. This is a cool little story, very quiet and subdued until an action-packed and explosion-filled denouement. The humor is darkly Scandinavian, dry but warm. Scenes are funny because you're just not sure what else they're supposed to be. For example, there's one beautiful shot in a greenish reindeer-butcherin' room where some men sit and eat gingerbread cookies while Santa is tied up and suspended from the ceiling by a chain. Like a lot of Scandinavian movie makers (I'm going to just keep writing that like I know what I'm talking about), director Jalmari Helander (this is his only feature-length movie, by the way) takes his time getting from point to point, allowing the viewer to soak in all the character and setting details. And there are a lot of setting details to soak in. This is very well filmed; they take advantage of the mountainous background and rural settings. This is far from festive and just about perfect for people like me who don't really care all that much for the holiday season. My only hope is that I didn't give too much away with anything I wrote here.

Cashback

2006 comedy

Rating: 10/20

Plot: An art student breaks up with his girlfriend, and combats insomnia by getting a part-time job at a supermarket. Later, he discovers that he has the ability to freeze time.

This movie's so boring that I actually started wondering in the early parts if the whole thing was an attempt by the director to help the viewer feel the protagonist's insomnia or something. It's slow going throughout, and my dislike of the main character probably didn't help. Neither did his constant narration. There were occasional humorous diversions, the best being the appearance of a sausage customer and the antics of two employees who passed their time doing anything they could that didn't involve work. It's cheap gags and a fair share of nudity under a cover of artsy-fartsiness, but naked old man drawing model flatulence poked holes through that sheet right from the get-go. This movie fails dramatically, comedically, and romantically, and all the points I'm giving this are for boobs.

The Living Daylights

1987 James Bond movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A crazy arms dealer wants to start World War III, and James Bond has to stop him!

Timothy Dalton is really dull, and the arms dealer played by Joe Don Baker, a former "Worst Acting of the Year" award winner on this blog, isn't much more interesting. The main villain Koskov is even duller. And the thug has a great name--Necros--but really doesn't do it for me either. The Bond girl is really plain, and there's very little style here. The movie does have a ton of twists and turns, a solid spy story, and plenty of action scenes in a story that has Bond globetrotting and making all kinds of interesting friends. It's a stronger spy story than the typical Bond movies, and it's bookended by a couple creative and exciting action sequences, the opening taking place on Gibraltar and the story ending big with some fisticuffs inside and just on the outside of a crashing airplane with a bomb on it. My favorite moment in this one is the demonstration of the Ghetto Blaster, a gadget that will forever keep this one in the 1980s. This isn't a terrible movie, but it could have been a whole lot better.

Cowards Bend the Knee (or The Blue Hands)

2003 silent soap opera

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A hockey player knocks up his girlfriend and takes her for an abortion in the back room of a beauty salon. During the procedure, he falls for the daughter of the owner of the beauty salon and runs off with her. Unfortunately, she won't allow him to touch her until the death of her father is avenged. A hand transplant operation takes place, followed by murder and sex. And there are some hockey player wax figurines that come to life.

This ten-part short feature was originally intended to be shown in a museum, each six-minute chunk shown through a separate peephole. That would have been an annoying way to watch a movie. I'd predict that a lot of people would be annoyed by the style of this anyway. It's silent, but even those used to silent movies might find the strange techniques--off-putting camera angles, repetitious movements, rapid-fire movements, lengthy but hilarious title cards--a little too strange. And, of course, there's the subject matters covered in this thing, a wacky hodgepodge that could only come from the mind of Guy Maddin. Jen, who started watching this movie with me, was done when the dicks made their first appearance. In the dicks' defense, I think she was about to call it quits even before they showed up. I found it all hilarious, maybe the funniest Maddin movie I've seen. Lots to love here--hockey seizures in sperm samples, beauty salon bordellos, 5-minute breast grope attempts, a gorgeous slow procession to Beethoven's 7th, titular blue hands and warm pies, forced combing, a smoking and corset-wearing abortionist, blind grandmothers, shampoo murders, faked hand transplants, ghost whores, fisting, an ice breast, the feeding of wax hockey player figurines, a questionable check for a pulse, and an Orlacian shower butt poke. Yeah, mostly the typical ingredients for a soap opera.  And the typing of "Orlacian shower butt poke" reminds me why I watch movies in the first place. My favorite scene was one in which Maddin imagines what a late-20's sex scene's sound effects would have been like. Completely ridiculous, but it made me giggle like a fourteen-year-old with a monocle. Definitely find this if you're a Guy Maddin fan already, and it might not be the worst place to start if you want to dig into his work and have a high tolerance for weirdness.