Cory's Birthday Post: Son of Godzilla



1967 Godzilla movie


Rating: 8/20


Plot: Godzilla has to protect his son from gigantic praying mantises and a spider while scientists experimenting with controlling the weather try to survive an island filled with monsters. 


To continue the tradition, here's a Movies-a-Go-Go post about a Godzilla movie for my brother-in-law Cory's birthday. I've done this for several years, and he either pretends to appreciate or actually understands how special it is to be one of two people (with the other being Nicolas Cage!) to have their birthday acknowledged with movie activity. Son of Godzilla is not one that Cory likes. In fact, as of March 22, 2010, he had never even seen this one. 


But happy birthday anyway! 


Here are my unadulterated, stream-of-conscious thoughts as I watched this movie: 


Son of Godzilla! 


This came up several years ago when a friend of mine named Kent left me a blog comment claiming that it was the greatest monster movie ever. Cory accused him of teasing, and he never answered to say whether he was serious, but Cory's pal Barry said it was a mid-tier Godzilla flick. So let's find out! 


The title, by the way, leaves me with some questions. I’m fairly certain this means Godzilla has fucked, and if that’s true and that scene is not in the movie, I’m going to be angry enough to knock down a few buildings of my own. 


Son of ____. Which movie franchise has the best son? It wouldn't be Son of Frankenstein because that kid was obnoxious. Son of Lassie? Son of Flubber? Son of the Mask? Son of Dracula? Son of Sam? Son of Zorro


Ok, let’s focus here. 


By the way, I’m pretty sure this has to be good because it’s part of the Criterion Collection now. 


How low was this plane flying to have to pull the nose up in order to avoid hitting Godzilla while he was standing in the ocean? 


Godzilla in the rain with menacing music...kind of cool. Then--boom. A title screen and a transition to colorful island shots and some lounge music. That’s...not quite as cool. 


These are the whiniest scientists I think I’ve ever seen in a movie. And comparing their work to being in a concentration camp? This guy must have gone to the Marjorie Taylor Greene School of Insensitive Analogies. 


This little science camp certainly is colorful. It looks like a delightful enough place to spend some time to me. 


The arrival of a newsman who is guided by his stomach--if I made decisions based solely on feelings I had in my stomach, then. . .well, I doubt things would be all that different. 


A giant praying mantis! I believe they eat grasshoppers, so I'm not sure this thing will be all that menacing to humans or a giant lizard that spits fire. 


I wish I had some understanding about what all these scientists were even doing on this island or what the experiment is. 


Oh, here we go with some experiment exposition. They’re going to freeze the island in order to help solve famine-related issues that are the result of overpopulation. Got it. I now feel like I'm ready to proceed. 


Wait, the South American jungles are “useless”? 


In the wrong hands, freezing islands could be worse than nuclear bombs. 


Here’s a scientist with a pipe. I’m not sure about anybody else, but in my estimation, a scientist with a pipe is more credible than one without a pipe. 


That was a cheery little science montage. I don’t know exactly what is happening and would like to see some giant monsters fighting, but in the meantime, I’ll take a cheery little science montage. 


My daughter Buster has joined me for this movie. 


I caught her up on the plot (the best a person with my limited ability to even understand the plot of a Godzilla movie could) and she said, “Ok, I’m not watching this” and left. Before she did, she suggested that Godzilla is a "Bigfoot-like creature but with horns and feet that aren't that big." I have no idea what she's talking about. 


What? Now there’s a narrator? 22 minutes into a movie is not the first time we should hear from a narrator. 


Reporter: “Don’t you believe I saw a girl?” 

Professor: “And I don’t believe in ghosts either.” 

So...he doesn’t believe in girls? 


Oh, snap! Not only is the praying mantis bigger but there are now three of them! 


Scientists in short pants definitely don’t have as much credibility as scientists with pipes. I learned that in my 8th grade science class, I think. 


Gimantis! That is some solid portmanteauing! 


I’m as intrigued by this jungle woman as the reporter, to be honest. 


Godzilla’s son is awfully squishy. I guess they’re born without bones? 


Godzilla’s now back in the movie and stomping all over the science camp. I have a feeling even more repairs will have to be made now. 


It’s become clear that I’m not going to get a Godzilla sex scene in this movie, and my disappointment is profound. 


These monster noises have frightened my cat. 


Ok, I just watched a scene where two Gimantises kick a rock back and forth like it’s a soccer ball before launching it into Godzilla Jr.’s head and had to rewind to watch it again. And then--I watched it a third time. This whole Godzilla-movie-on-Cory's-birthday thing is now worth it. 


And now baby Godzilla was thwacked in the skull by his own father’s tail. The most interesting parts of this are definitely going to involve head trauma to the titular child. 


Son of Godzilla is a mistake of nature. He looks like something a four year old can make out of clay. 


I’m not sure if this movie will give us a glimpse at who or what Godzilla fucked to produce this son, but from the looks of this kid, I believe it must be a congealed thing of yogurt that’s been hidden in the back of a refrigerator for several years. 


Well, it there’s no Godzilla sex scene, maybe something between the reporter and the jungle woman can help make up for it. 


“Boy never wear red shirt like this. Maybe you’re a girl.” If I had a nickel for every time somebody said something like that to me in school. . .


“Oh! The reporter! Are you alright? We were worried.” Translation: “Oh! The reporter! We completely forgot about you!” 


I’m really starting to dig the peppy lounge music that plays whenever a Gimantis shows up. These guys, however, are not one of Godzilla’s most formidable foes. 


Oh, man. The slapstick in these scenes with Son of Godzilla is hilarious. With stunts like these, I’m fairly positive it’s Buster Keaton in this Son of Godzilla suit. 


After a race: “Goro, you gave up. Are you really a man?” That’s the second time this jungle woman has questioned this guy’s masculinity. It seems to be her thing. 


Goro (the reporter) just pointed at Son of Godzilla and said, “Godzilla!” I don’t see how anybody could make that mistake. Not only is he not really a man but he's also apparently an imbecile.


He certainly has grown quickly. It’s up to his dad’s nipples already! 


Now the little guy’s having some sort of a seizure. 


I wish the characters would quit saying “Spiga” because I’m having trouble taking a monster named that seriously. 


Is “Spiga” also a portmanteau word? Spider and gassy? 


The reporter (Goro) and the jungle woman are off to retrieve some “hot red water” (my guess is cherry Kool-aid that has been left out) in order to heal a bunch of scientists with fevers, and I feel we’re as close to a plot as we’re going to get. 


Godzilla’s son sounds a lot like a donkey at times. He brays. 


Oh, he just blew a smoke ring. I forgot that I saw him do that in another movie. I really should have watched these movies in order. I probably wouldn’t have all these questions. 


“Here, drink this hot red water. But you can only drink it from a shell.” 


Where did this jungle woman get pants anyway? 


Aww, it’s Son of Godzilla’s first fight. I hope his opponent isn’t hear his little theme song because that’s not intimidating anybody. 


He just got bopped in the head again. And he always kind of has an expression that makes it look like he’s concussed anyway. 


And here comes Godzilla, a helicopter parent. How’s your son ever going to learn to defend himself if you’re fighting his fights for him, Godzilla? 


Spiga! 


Uh oh! Spiga spews silly string! 


I kind of like the look of Spiga. He looks a little cooler than the Godzilla in this one and way cooler than Godzilla’s son. His movements seem pretty complicated. 


The scientists must not have explored their new cave home at all if they didn’t notice that very obvious back door. 


And now their cave is caving in, and they don’t seem to have any clue about how to get out. Umm...maybe that back door you were shown about five minutes ago could work? 


I’m kind of surprised the shot I just saw hasn’t been turned into a meme. It looked like Son of Godzilla standing gleefully while being covered in jism. 


I’ll see myself out. 


Wait, this is rated G? I guess I should have known that it wouldn’t have a Godzilla sex scene. 


Waa-waa! Waa-waa! 


This fight, which I’m assuming is the climactic one, is not one of the most exciting of the franchise. Barry, in his comment, claimed that this had "some great fight scenes," but I'm not sure what movie he was watching. 


I have no idea why the scientists are this excited to see snow. I guess it means the experiment worked? But didn’t they already know that? 


I have no idea why I’m paying any attention to the science in this movie. There’s a monster fight in the snow! 


What a sweet scene with father and son working together to catch a Spiga on fire. It reminds me of all the times when my dad and I would. . .well, no. It doesn’t remind me of anything like that. 


The snow on a tropical island is a neat look. Luckily, lizards love snow. 


“They won’t die. They’ll hibernate. They’ll just go to sleep until the snow’s gone.” Yeah, that sounds scientific. 


So my friend Kent was clearly wrong when he claimed this was the best monster movie ever. And more than likely, Barry was also wrong when he ranked it as the 7th best. Of course, I’m not exactly an expert on these sorts of things. However, a movie focused so much on a baby monster that looks like that and either whines or brays like a donkey probably isn’t quite a mid-tier Godzilla movie. 


Ok, another Cory birthday officially in the books. I’m running out of these Godzilla movies and have no idea what to do. Rewatch them? 


2020 Year in Review (Part 4)

Best Shirt

Froot Loop shirt in Atlantics


Best Mutton Chops


Burt Lancaster, The Leopard




Best Hat


I loved those Teutonic Knights helmets (the one with the outstretched hand or the one with the chicken foot) in Alexander Nevsky, but Gregg Turkington’s hat in Mister America is the winner here. I’m sorry if you don’t understand why. 




Best Jewelry


Furby bling in Uncut Gems



Best Hair


Bernadette Peters’ beehive in The Longest Yard




Best Dress


A tie! The killer dresses in In Fabric or any number of dresses in Donkey Skin are all great. 


Best Furniture


Giant white cat throne--also Donkey Skin




Best Mustache


W.C. Fields’ fake mustache he insisted wearing in his shorts (“perversely insisted” according to Wikipedia) because he knew his audiences didn’t like it




The Wiseau


This award is for the best-worst example of a person who thinks he or she can do it all--write, direct, act, and sometimes even make music. The nominees: 


Neil Breen, Pass Thru


Noel Marshall, Roar 


Julie Kimmel, A Karate Christmas Miracle


The winner: An upset! Maybe it’s because Breen has won this award too many times or something, but I’m giving this one to Noel Marshall because Roar is a pretty special work of art. 




Favorite Cameo of the Year


Jake “The Snake” Roberts, The Peanut Butter Falcon


I thought he was dead. 


Number of Frederick Wiseman Documentaries I Watched This Year


Pretty sure it was seven! Maybe eight!


The Zap Rowsdower Achievement in Bad Action Heroism Award


Ron Slinker, Andy in Mr. No Legs


It was Ron Slinker’s only role. 


The Lew Zealand (Best Movie Puppet)


The randy puppet in Coming Home at the hospital. He really really liked Jane Fonda. 


Best Scene Featuring a Mask That I Totally Forgot to Mention Earlier!


The use of a Richard Nixon mask in The Ice Storm. Thanks for reminding me, Josh!



Favorite Minor Character of the Year


That dude with a flower in his mouth in French Cancan certainly was up to something. I wanted a spin-off for his character. 


The “sundial man” in The Man Who Sleeps


John Fielder plays the human equivalent of Piglet (well, other than my friend Josh) in Sharky’s Machine


The winner is a rich lady in Husbands who Peter Falk flirts with. With this ever-changing face, she was just so interesting. 



Best One and Done Performance


The previously-mentioned Noel Marshall directed and starred in Roar and then did nothing else. And again, that was truly special. 


Fernando Ramos da Silva’s story is a little sadder. He was the titular character in Pixote and didn’t do anything after that because he was shot by police before his 20th birthday. 


Ted Vollrath played Mr. No Legs in Mr. No Legs and then couldn’t find any studios looking for actors to play more legless characters. 


Vladimir Garin, the older brother in The Return, sadly drowned at the age of 16. This year-in-review has suddenly gotten really depressing. 


Ike Sanders, thus far, has directed Final Flesh and nothing else. 


Barbara Loden acted in a few things, including Wanda, the only full-length feature she directed. 


And Bill Sherwood wrote and directed Parting Glances, his only feature, before he died from AIDS. 


I’m too depressed about all of this to pick a winner in this category. 


Best Actor


Bernard Pruvost, Li’l Quinquin

Dirk Bogarde, The Servant

Claude Laydu, Diary of a Country Priest

Shooby LeBoof, Honey Boy

Volker Spengler, A Year of 13 Moons

Giancarlo Giannini, Seven Beauties


I liked all of those. The winner, however, is Honey Davis for She’s Allergic to Cats




Best Actress


Zhao Tao, Ash Is Purest White

Jeong-Hie Yun, Poetry

Chunibala Devi, the aunt in Pather Panchali (she’s so hot!) 

Isabelle Adjani, The Story of Adele H. 

Krisha Fairchild, Krisha


The winner is Ana Torrent from Cria Cuervos. She was 7 years old when she did Spirit of the Beehive, and this came out a few years later. These performances are the opposites of Tooties. 




The Torgo Award (The Best-Worst Performance by an Actor) 


Look! It’s Neil Breen again. Pass Thru was his movie. 


Two one-and-dones deserve a mention--Ted Vollrath and Noel Marshall from Mr. No Legs and Roar respectively. 


And Jeff Kirkendall from Sharkenstein is the final nominee. 


This one goes to Neil Breen. “Isn’t that corrupt?” Maybe, it is, Neil. But nobody knows what either of us is even talking about. 




The Livingstone (The Best-Worst Performance by an Actress) 


Kathy Corpus, Pass Thru


Donna T. Rogers, the smuggler lady who sounds like Mr. T in Pass Thru


Edith Massey, Polyester


Rebel Wilson, Cats


Maybe it’s a bit of recency bias here, but I’m giving the Livingstone to Anne Barschall for her confusing work in A Karate Christmas Miracle. 




The Ten Least-Enjoyable Movies I Saw in 2020


Cats

Ready or Not

It: Chapter Two

Two Tons of Turquoise for Taos Tonight

Hillbilly Elegy

The Bling Ring

Maps to the Stars

Da Sweet Blood of Jesus

The Old Guard

Where’d You Go, Bernadette


Bob Dylan’s Renaldo and Clara almost made this list, by the way. 


The Manos Award (Best-Worst Movie of the Year) 


Bad Movie Club didn’t meet a lot this year, surprising since we all had more time at home in 2020. There were still some enjoyable bad movies though, including these nominees for the Manos: 


Pass Thru

Sharkenstein

A Karate Christmas Miracle

The Christmas Tree

Future Fear

Mr. No Legs

Neon Maniacs

A Score to Settle

Assassin 33 A.D.

The Creation of the Humanoids


The winner? Probably no surprise--Breen takes it again! 



Best Twenty New-to-Me Movies I Saw in 2020 in Random Order


1917

The Servant

La Notte

Aparajito

The Naked Island

Diary of a Country Priest

Il Sorpasso

Portrait of a Lady on Fire

The Man Who Sleeps

Le Million

The Burmese Harp

Loves of a blonde

Nazarin

Welfare

Quai des Orfevres

The Travelling Players

Topsy Turvy

All About My Mother

L’Eclisse

Kanal


Movies I Saw Twice This Year


Uncut Gems (in one 24-hour period actually)

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

I’m Thinking of Ending Things


Favorite TV Shows That I Watched This Year


The Mandalorian

Schitt’s Creek

Neon Genesis Evangelion


2020 Year in Review (Part 3)

Best Food Moment


The Two Popes--watching Hopkins attack a piece of pizza

Tampopo--the egg yolk scene (though that should probably go in the “sex scene” category)

Driller Killer--Abel Verrera can also tear through a pizza


The winner: The pizza voters were divided, and Tampopo comes away with this one. 




My New Go-To Thanksgiving Movie


Krisha


Best First Appearance in a Movie


Here’s Claudia Cardinale again--The Leopard. And the men in the movie would agree with me. It’s a lovely moment broken by a froggy “Dinner is served” from a servant. 





Best Editing


The House Is Black--a scene where quick cuts to leprous faces match the rhythm of a wheelbarrow’s squeaky wheel


Best Monologue


Neil Breen, Pass Thru--a fiery speech from a news station desk




Best Openings


Jojo Rabbit--connecting Beatlemania to Hitlermania very effectively

Coonskin--Scatman Crothers doing his thing in profile


Best Ending


A desert swallowing a family whole in Barren Lives

A goodbye from a train in Summertime

Donald Sutherland becoming a meme in Invasion of the Body Snatchers

A meta scene with characters walking in the background of a shot in Pastoral: To Die in the Country

Vacation photos in The Return

Thick Eggnog in Intimate Lighting





Best Extended Shots


1917--one of my favorite movies from 2019, so something from that (probably the climactic scene I mentioned earlier) has to be mentioned here, right? 

Tout Va Bien--a supermarket sequence

The Passenger--the famous final scene


Best Scene Featuring an Umbrella


A tie!


Anna in Capricious Summer, turning to look at the camera while holding an umbrella


A lady with a missing dog waiting under and umbrella in the Outback in Where the Green Ants Dream




Favorite Shots or Movie Moments of the Year


Denis Lavant walking down a street (and jerking, contorting, etc.) while Bowie’s “Modern Love” plays in Mauvais Sang



A welding scene in I Fidanzati, a rain of sparks around a skeleton of a building at night


The church and its parishioners in the background while the March sisters march food to a struggling family in Little Women


Floating veil in Vera Chytilova’s short in Pearls of the Deep--lightning flashes, lovely and haunting


A husband in The Naked Island looking at a grieving wife and then ignoring her to get back to work


A shot of a girl unspooling a roll of film by rolling it on the ground like it’s a hula hoop in The Image Book


Women changing behind a screen in The Gold Diggers of 1933



A shot of a female janitor trying out a balance beam in Something Different while other female janitors watch her work


A briefcase thrown into a tree in Mistress America


A woman’s face highlighted by light after she’s had smoke blown in her face in Il Sorpasso


Grace Kelly in that beach get-up in To Catch a Thief


In the titular donkey skin, Catherine Deneuve prancing through the woods and later a village with frozen people in Donkey Skin



The winner is a really easy choice this year: “Slow-mo artist taunting some goats with a knife--at one point, he and all the goats look directly into the camera and it’s magical.” That’s a note I have written down for this, but I don’t have any idea what I’m talking about or what movie this might come from. It sounds great though, so it wins. If you have any information about this, let me know. 


Movie Scene I Thought About the Most This Year


Adam Sandler, after digging through a fish in Uncut Gems, looking straight at the camera and announcing, “Holy shit, I’m gonna cum.” 




Best Silent Movie Title Card


“An American boy is in love with an American girl--Let’s go!” 


Best Lighting


Cemetery of Splendour--those oxygen tubes that glow and change colors are so cool


Best Poster
















Best Animal Moment


Pruvost riding a horse (and fulfilling a dream) in Li’l Quinquin--this one has a punchline! 


Barren Lives--Mom kills a parrot


Invasion of the Body Snatchers--a dog with Harry’s face


Lucien Lacombe karate chopping the head off a chicken and walks away before a little girl scrambles over to pick it up in Lacombe, Lucien


A cow shot and eaten in Monos


The acrobatic chickens--in an act with a clown--in Honey Boy (they’re even credited)


Best Scene with a Person Acting Like an Animal


Forest Walrus guy--The Magic Flute




The Bart the Bear Award for Best Performance by an Animal


Beleia--Barren Lives

Jack--What did Jack Do? (disqualified because it’s aided by CGI)

Turkey on a streetcar--Hot Water

Lucy--Wendy and Lucy

Chimp with bells--Arabian Nights

Singing parrot--Donkey Skin

Donkey that shits jewels--Donkey Skin

Dog--The Strange Little Cat

Cat--The Strange Little Cat

Moth--The Strange Little Cat

Bird--The Strange Little Cat

A whole lot of animals in Roar

Rainbow the dog--Fury

Tanga the chimp--Phenomena


The winner: Vlad the tiger from Neil Breen’s Pass Thru. He outshines every human actor in the movie, and any living thing that can have a staring contest with Neil Breen without giggling has to be talented. Congratulations, Vlad. 




Best Monster


That monkey man in Neon Maniacs was really working it. Sharkenstein was goofy in the water and then somehow even goofier on land. Wait, what? On land? 


The winner: The bunch of melded alpacas in Color Out of Space




Best Pleasant Surprise


Roy Andersson’s Giliap