Best Names
Seamon Glass
Imogen Poots
Will Gill, Jr.
Angelo D’Angelo
Estus W. Pirkle
Rainbow Ching
Just Jaeckin
Cam Gigandet
Scoot McNairy
Best Possible Band Names I Got from Movies This Year
Radioactive Cock
bOner (so proud of this one)
Troll Taint
Pimp Chalice
Teeny Wangers
Barbie Doll Crotch
Silent Gong
Mummified Ponces
Rick Moranis Pants Bulge
Jodie Foster Ass Slap
King Kong Rape
Space Shuttle Sex Murders
Jackie Chan Camel Toe
Interdimensional Hopscotch
Animated Cooter
Pinhead and the Cenobites
Random Maggots
The Baldwin Brothers
Spank Bank
Best Monsters
The nominees:
The assassin in Future Folk
Bigfoot, Curse of Bigfoot
The guys in Big Trouble in Little China
The Ding Whopper in Forbidden World
Lightning crap monster in Metalstorm
Viy in Viy
The guy in Ax ‘Em, especially since he doesn’t use an ax
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The thing from the Astral Plane shown very briefly in Furious
Vincent D’Onofrio in Men in Black
the Cenobites
Hopping vampires, one in a gorilla mask, in Robo Vampire
Pyramid-head in Silent Hill--Does he have a name? I like how he strips his victim needlessly before eviscerating her.
The winner? The “beast creatures” in Attack of the Beast Creatures because when your monsters look like a bunch of miniature Tommy Wiseaus, you automatically win this category.
Favorite Quotes of the Year
I can’t even explain why some of these appeal to me, but they all do. For fun, you can try to guess the movie they come from!
“If you can go through the night without committing suicide, then you OK.”
“Everything’s past tense now.”
“I need hugs.”
“Hey. You got the prettiest pussy.”
“One-Eyed Jack’s yearning to go peeping in a seafood store.”
“My dog barks some.”
“You have the most eyes I’ve ever seen.”
“Why don’t you go fuck one of your raccoons?”
“Think you used enough dynamite there, Butch?”
“What’s the matter, woman? Can’t I fondle my own grandson?”
“I wouldn’t know a gene from a jellybean.”
“We’ll go to my place. My wife will see something she’ll never forget--not even in hell!”
“It’s clobberin’ time!”
“Aim for the crotch!”
“I don’t empty anyone’s ass on principle.”
“I use baggies.” -- “I use them, too.”
“My taste buds got wiped out in the crash of ‘97.”
“No wire hangers ever!”
“You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!”
“It’s been proven that all Brunos eventually hang themselves.”
“You’ll be dead, and I’ll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes.”
“Hey, let me ask a question: You ever fuck a mutant?”
“Waitress, more butter!”
“Trick or treat?” (But used as trash talk)
“I’m so hungry I could eat cancer.”
“Now I gotta do my pee-pee in the dark.”
“You can’t fuck the future; the future fucks you.”
“It has no bones.” (This one’s from The Final Member, a movie I haven’t been able to stop giggling at.)
“Maybe that mime.”
“Looks like you’ve got some entrails on you, pal.”
“He’s going to derail us.”
“Man, you know what I’d love to do right now? Go down to Marie Callender’s, get me a big bowl, pie, some ice cream on it. Mmm-mmm good! Put some on your head! Your tongue would slap your brains trying to get to it! Interested? Sure!”
“It’s turkey time. Gobble gobble.”
“One hardly dare imagine the quacking duck.”
“Who’s the pied piper now, ice cream dick?”
“I know how refined and ladylike you are, but can I take a leak off your roof?”
“I want to tickle your belly button. . .from the inside.”
“Not until you sink your dick into this filthy tomato.”
“You know, Willie, I had confidence in a fart once, and I shat all over myself.”
Favorite Discovery of the Year
Here, watch something:
Best Special Effects
Love the old-school stop-motion and time-lapse stuff in The Time Machine, the ashes falling in Silent Hill, the giant purple scorpions and psychedelic skies in Damnation Alley, and the baby with Arnold Schwarzennegar’s face in Junior. But this award goes to the only special effect that can save our souls--Jesus fireballs in Miracle Man! Take that, Satan!
Things I’ll Miss Watching Philip Seymour Hoffman Do in Movies
Crying. Playing a sport. Eating. Sharting. Ejaculating. Screaming. Pretty much everything, I guess.
White Chocolate!
Most Inappropriate Scene in a Family Movie
The Peanut Butter Solution’s wildly-growing pubic hair! What the hell?
My Most Ridiculous Claims of the Year
I make some pretty ridiculous claims. Here are a few:
The possibility that Sylvester Stallone could find my blog and be offended
The idea that The Room should be selected for the National Film Registry and that it’s omission is the biggest oversight in the history of anything
Robert Duvall was given lines in To Kill a Mockingbird but couldn’t stop giggling and farting
Future anthropologists will be thinking that Coke cans are some kind of secret message from the past
Matthew McConaughey car commercials came from an idea somebody got while watching Locke
Geena Davis is a Baldwin brother
Danny Elfman should score Stephen Baldwin’s death
Danny DeVito/Michael Keaton sex scene would have saved Batman Returns
My write-up for Santa Claus is deserving of a posthumous Nobel Prize
That I’m one of the most popular movie bloggers
Somebody who made Annie Hall can’t be guilty of child molestation
My Danny DeVito playing a farfisa organ horror movie idea
My Best Ideas of the Year
That’s right--I have some terrific ideas, too. Here are my best from this year:
Sneaking into Disney dressed as characters in an attempt to have people take their pictures with me
Vincent Price and Burt Reynolds laugh loop--3 hours called The History of Film
A Danny Cooksey “Mullet Boy” spin-off Terminator movie where cyborgs are sent to the past to give him a haircut
Start wearing a baseball helmet around
Rick Shaws, yet another movie taking place in the Cars universe
A documentary called Eephus!
Samuel L. Jackson getting an “En passant, motherfucker!” would have made Searching for Bobby Fischer the greatest of all time
A movie about that guy who unicycled in a suit made from cans in Searching for Bobby Fischer...also featuring Ben Kingsley
An all-Muppet version of West Side Story
Replacing Maria’s voice in West Side Story with Screamin’ Jay Hawkins
Giant Tom Hanks vs. Godzilla
Smog Monster Festival
My funeral--people should be given the opportunity to pose for pictures with my corpse like in Blanconieves
A movie where Ron Howard watches Clint Howard in Ice Cream Man
Lew Zealand origin story
My Favorite Thing of the Year
I looked up the kid who played Poe in Searching for Bobby Fischer to see if he’d been in anything else. Imdb only had one other acting credit, a short film. And I noticed that he had died at a very young age. I was curious to find out how he died and found this in a message board thread titled “He’s not dead!”:
I'm his mother and can verify that 1) you've got his birthdate wrong and 2) He's alive and well. How does one go about updating erroneous information???
Followed by some instructions about how to contact the imdb people and some people hoping that he really isn’t dead. Then, “TelevisionFan” said:
What was believed to be incorrect information, has been removed.
Thanks to all!
and dancerjwal said:
That is such happy news! I was so sad to read that a while back, seeing as I had a major crush on him years ago...
To which TelevisionFan responded:
Yes, indeed it is!!
It was either a simple mistake, or someone trying to be funny, which clearly was an terrible thing to do, but all has been corrected now.
Now, we just need to hope he will make some more movies!
But then Wakanohana burst our bubbles with this shocker:
I don't know what information was shown in 2007 and what was changed later, but right now the front page says Michael Nirenberg died in 1996 at age 18.
And fdaveokc confirmed:
He is dead. The OP is a nut job who probably does this a lot.
and even provided a findagrave.com link.
And then, vinylfish:
Now it says he died in 1990. Why does it keep changing? I just came on here to see if this kid played in anything else as he looked oddly familiar. Weird that it keeps changing.
It is weird. Maybe Michael’s brother can help us out with this? In steps nadav-nirenberg:
As Michael's brother I can verify he's alive, born Aug. 3rd 1983, a successful chef and once again, alive. Nice guy too.
Please remove the erroneous info, thanks
The only other thread about him on imdb is also about how he died of cancer three years after the movie came out. I don’t know why--maybe because I’m very easily amused--but I thought the whole thing was hilarious.
The kid on the left could be alive but is probably dead although it's unlikely though possible.
Word of the Year
Hearing Slavoj Zizek say “plumber” after describing the plot of most pornographic films in Pervert’s Guide to Cinema, one of my favorite discoveries of the year
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Greatest Unanswered Question from the Year
Why does Sal have an ink pen in his pocket in Dog Day Afternoon? Or maybe whether or not there are groups for women (or men, I guess) who are sexually attracted to Zoltar. I’m asking for a friend.
Biggest Disappointment of the Year
That Ernest Saves Christmas was not adequate punishment for my family to get them back for making fun of Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas
Best Song
Allow me to mention Ben and Arthur again here as that movie had a great (original?) called “Let’s Go” during a packing-for-Hawaii montage and also used “The Entertainer” hilariously during the opening credits. The opening credits, of course, consisted of Sam Mraovich’s name about thirty times. There are so many ways I could go here: a song about space worms in the fun Future Folk, more seriously with “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah” from Song of the South, Jerry Lewis’s stylings on “Old Black Magic” from Nutty Professor, the best part of The Bellboy--”Alabama Jubilee” by the Novelites, that dinosaur song by Simon Stokes and the Black Whip Thrill Band from Tammy and the T-Rex (although I might just like that band name), or “Magic Man” from The Peanut Butter Solution. I loved “Robot Walk” from The Nasty Rabbit, the “Meatballs” theme by Rick Dee and His Cast of Idiots (another great band name), and that Devo-esque band in Furious. It was cool hearing Tiny Tim in Insidious, but the more I think about it, the more I’m sure that they were saying his music is somehow creepy. Also loved that version of “You Light up My Life” from Happiness, and there’s a scene in D’Wild Wild Weng where Weng Weng, his sidekick on guitar, and a guy with no tongue serenade somebody, and that is nothing short of magical. Oh, and the nostalgia of hearing the William Tell Overture kicking off the most improbably movie action ever in the Lone Ranger movie! Tough category! But I’m going with “Please, Mr. Kennedy” from Inside Llewyn Davis, featuring the stylings of Adam Driver.
Best Score
Morricone, Danger: Diabolik
Jerry Goldsmith, The Edge
Roque Banos, The Machinist
Robbie Robertson’s collection of stuff for Shutter Island
Eric Serra, The Fifth Element
Danny Elfman, Nightbreed
Winner: Ennio!
Best Musical
Wild Style, The Nasty Rabbit, and Eegah aren’t traditional musicals but should probably count. Rock of Ages was no good. West Side Story is an important movie to me for reasons I won’t go into here, but giving the award to that doesn’t seem like the shane-movies thing to do. Future Folk, The Apple, Pitch Perfect, or The Black Rider. I’m going with The Black Rider because I can’t have Pitch Perfect winning two awards.
Best On-Screen Duo
I will not decide between Ben and Arthur in Ben and Arthur and Arnold and DeVito in Junior. I just won’t.
Best Robot
Can’t go wrong with Wynorski’s Chopping Mall guys or the Robocop rip-off in Robo Vampire, but Cybernator’s Michael Foley’s character name (Captain Hair) gives him the boost he needs to take home the prize.
Best Violence
American movies are violent, and the following scenes had an effect on me for different reasons.
Dennis Haysbert killing a woman with a bow and arrow in the darkly comic The Details
The hammer-smashed guy in Deathstalker
Bruce Lee’s bird chirping and dummy-throwing in the dojo in Fist of Fury
The mind-bending killing and killing again in Holy Motors
Macy offing himself in Boogie Nights--that smile
The climactic, devastating shocker of Ben and Arthur
The touching climax of Amour
A dude’s head exploding in Chopping Mall
Ted Prior beating somebody to death with the victim’s own arm in Deadly Prey
Martin Sheen killing a hamster in The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane
Lots of stuff in Hard Ticket to Hawaii--skateboarding blow-up dolls exploding, a cancer snake, razor-blade Frisbee tossing with Shades on the beach
The chilling scene in Joe where Poulter beats a homeless guy to death with a bottle of wine and then kisses him
Weird Al as Rambo in UHF or maybe as Gandhi punching through a person’s torso
The end of “Bathtub Guy” in Vampire Cop
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Miller’s Crossing: guy jerking around shooting a machine gun as he’s riddled with Albert Finney’s bullets
Bobby Peru’s death in Wild at Heart
Michael Cera’s demise in This Is the End
That kid getting a bamboo shoot in the ears in If Footmen Tire You, What Would Horses Do? That vomit!
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But the winner? I’ve got five words for you: Kurt Thomas on a fucking pummel horse. Gymkata wins in the Best Violence category!
Best Auxiliary Character
Lord knows that I love my characters who don’t really matter all that much. And I loved all these auxiliary characters from this year:
the baby in refrigerator in Desperate Living
the “Oh my shit!” guy or the guy who really has to poop in The Beaver Trilogy
Doyle Carter, the old guy at the end of Teeth
Burnham Burnham in The Howling III
the “I have no legs” guy in Kids
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Kim Chan’s butler in The King of Comedy
Mr. Noodle (Michael Jeter) in The Fisher King
the character who spends the entire movie in his bathtub in Vampire Cop (see above!)
Butterball Cenobite from Hellraiser
The leather-clad and mustachioed motorcycle guy who an almost-entirely mute sidekick to a more vocal motorcycle guy in Miracle Man
All great, but there can only be one winner, and that winner is Lupo, the guy with no tongue in D’Wild Wild Weng.
