1962 kaiju movie
Rating: 10/20
Plot: It's kind of in the title. Any other plot that didn't just involve the titular pair brawling was beyond my comprehension.
Years ago, I started watching a Godzilla movie every July 16 to commemorate Cory's birthday. Aside from Cory, nobody else not named Nicolas Cage gets the birthday treatment on this blog. Cory likely stopped caring long ago--especially after I ran out of Godzilla movies that he actually likes--but I'm the kind of guy who enjoys nonsensical traditions and can't stop doing this. As I've often said, it's the cheapest kind of birthday present imaginable. Cory's a good guy and a knowledgeable cinephile with somewhat questionable tastes in movies, so he likely deserves better than this.
I'm really running out of Godzilla options here. If I had thought ahead, I could have probably seen the new Godzilla: King of the Monsters in a theater yesterday. However, I like to do these write-ups Movies-a-Go-Go style. Therefore, you're getting my unadulterated thoughts as I watched
King Kong vs. Godzilla late last night when I probably should have been sleeping or something. I can't imagine it being worth reading, but here it is anyway.
Before we begin, I should clarify that yes, this movie is not as good as
Hale County This Morning, This Evening. Suck it, Cory.
How's that for a birthday present? Within seconds, I've already told the recipient to "suck it."
Oh, thank Godzilla! The credits informed me that they got permission to use the name King Kong. I was worried about that.
Am I hearing a theremin already? Nice! I’m already hooked.
“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." Now we're quoting Shakespeare? With how good the dialogue usually is in these movies, I'm not sure juxtaposing it with Shakespeare is a good idea.
Imagine the filthy puns he could have come up with for a kaiju screenplay. . .
Ok, this news man with a tall jar of tomatoes on his desk is a little too American. I can’t do American right now. I’m starting over with the Toho version of this.
No theremin in the opening credits, but this big opening theme is very cool.
I’m not sure if there are going to be subtitles. I might have to start over again. This is going very well so far.
Ok, now I have two sets of subtitles going simultaneously. That might be distracting.
[Note: I watched the entire movie with two sets of subtitles--the English was on top of the other one, however, so I could read them fine. There was a later problem where the sound wasn't matching up with anything. King Kong would beat his chest, and then you'd hear it about a second and a half later. That was pretty distracting, so if I start getting surly in this, that might be why.]
Oh, yeah, the news guy is much better, and the theremin was still there. All is good in the hood.
Much needed comic relief with the television boss who doesn’t know how a telephone works.
This man is named Tako.
More comic relief with the English voices of these dudes on the submarine.
Suddenly, this transforms into a Damien Chazelle movie with a close-up of a cymbal.
As always, I don’t care about any of these human characters. Where’s the monkey? I'm sure the American version--since Americans are both stupid and impatient--has already had at least two scenes with the monsters killings stuff by this point. Maybe I should go back to the American version.
Something tells me that next year’s
Godzilla vs. King Kong movie is going to be a lot different than this one.
“I know my sister’s lipstick.” I’m getting an incestuous vibe here, and the sexy piano jazz certainly doesn’t help.
Sakurai, a man who knows his sister's lipstick, probably a little too well.
These two have their monster-catchin’ hats on.
Here's Tako. He doesn't get his "monster-catchin'" hat until later though.
This submarine captain’s kind of got a W.C. Fields thing going on. I hope he starts juggling.
“Shut the water tight, fuckheads.” Apparently, I need subtitles for the English parts, too. I rewound, but that's all I can hear.
Oh, shit! That familiar screech! Godzilla’s finally arrived!
Maybe I’m in the minority, but I really appreciate when you can hear a monster in a movie before you ever see it. Stomping, screeching, farting. It's always a cool move.
The natives of this island (not Skull Island, I guess?) don’t get subtitles.
This introduction to the natives feels a little racist. I mean, not Donald Trump tweet racist, but still a little racist.
This man would not like either of the monsters in this movie because they are not white.
The guy translating is the Japanese Don Knotts. He doesn’t quite have the sexual energy of Don Knotts though.
They’re giving the natives cigarettes and access to terrible music. This should work.
I’m not sure I like the message about cigarettes this is giving. One of the native children is now smoking. Of course, this was made in 1962 before cigarettes were capable of harming a human being.
They’re laughing because they think the natives’ “god” is just the rain and thunder. Why would they be in good spirits about that? Wouldn’t that make trip be nothing but a huge waste of time and money?
Transition to a televised lion--I do not approve. They’re making me wait way too long for King Kong. Of course, the original King Kong made you wait, too. But again, I'm an American, and I want my monsters now! Trump would have turned this off a half hour ago and called it "fake news."
The Americans in this all sound like John Wayne after he’s been hit over the head with Jimmy Stewart.
Godzilla! And big music! Go get 'em, big guy!
The models on this military base aren’t not the most effective I’ve ever seen. Still, I’m digging this a lot more than the 2019 Godzilla movie, and I even saw that on an IMAX screen.
Ok, this actually doesn't look too bad.
So it was just revealed that Godzilla is going to come to Japan because he remembers his birthplace. I’m not sure the big guy is that sentimental, but I’m willing to accept that as a legitimate enough reason for him to find his way to Japan.
The native leading the visitors to King Kong looks a little like Buster Keaton.
I swear a character just twirled some sort of lizard over his head for five minutes of screen time.
A lull in the action has caused me to remember that my favorite punchline of any joke I’ve ever heard might be “Ping pong balls? I thought you said King Kong’s balls!”
The little kid who was smoking earlier is apparently named Skeeto.
Oh, boy. A giant land octopus.
Man, I am really digging how this octopus moves. And the slurpy special effects are really great. I believe it’s stop-animated, but it’s hard to tell at times.
Throwing torches at it doesn’t seem to have much effect.
Hey, it’s King Kong! And it sounds like somebody knocking on an old wooden door when he beats his chest, so that’s going to be distracting.
King Kong apparently wanted to wear the giant octopus as a hat.
You can buy a little King Kong vs. octopus statue? This made me laugh.
After King Kong hurls a couple of rocks at the giant octopus, I could have sworn it said “Fucker!” twice.
Ok, the action’s over, so we can talk about how stupid King Kong looks in this movie.
And he’s apparently a lush. This was a missed opportunity for Gatorade product placement, by the way. The American version I bailed on probably had some sort of product placement there actually.
This weird native dance is going on entirely too long. Kong’s passed out and can’t even enjoy this.
I have some questions about what’s going on as King Kong is being pulled on a raft behind a ship. 1) Why would the natives let them take their god without a fight. Who’s going to protect them from the land octopuses? 2) What the heck did he drink that he’s passed out for this long after just two jars of it? I feel like I dozed off and missed 10 minutes of this or something.
“Doesn’t that infringe on King Kong’s rights?” That kind of made me laugh.
In Japan, do they have Godzilla drills like they have fire drills in schools? I bet they do. These people sure hopped off the train as if it’s something they’d practiced before.
Wow! He just knocked that train around like it was some kind of toy.
What’s up with the lady flailing around in the water while Godzilla approaches?
Oh, that’s Fumiko. I forgot all about this character.
Idea one: a “million volt shock.” Seems legitimate.
This television executive guy
[Note: We're talking about Tako here.] is the worst. He’s the Jar Jar Binks of
King Kong vs. Godzilla. I hope one of these monsters tears him in half.
King Kong just stood up in water that is only waist deep. I believe they're in the middle of the ocean somewhere.
Somebody went a little overboard with the vehicle models at this construction site.
King Kong is a real animal. Godzilla is a monster born from radiation. Ok, got it.
Kong appears to be clumsy. And he walks kind of like Phoebe runs in that Friends episode where he runs. It’s probably called “The One Where Phoebe Runs” actually.
The guy in the King Kong suit clearly doesn’t understand what he’s supposed to do with his arms.
Oh, boy! It’s fight time! Expecting Godzilla to say, “It’s over King Kong. I have the higher ground!” like Obi-Wan in Star Wars 3.
Kong immediately going with his finishing move--hurling large rocks.
Godzilla with the crotch rocket, likely premature.
What? It’s over? Kong had his belly scorched, scratched his head, and wandered off? And Godzilla just let him? I’m confused.
“Release the fuel!”? I thought they were back to Plan A: 1 million volts.
Was Godzilla trapped in an iceberg before this movie, or was he working on his squats? His thighs look great.
I can’t believe how stupid King Kong looks in this movie. He looks silly when he’s just standing around, and he looks even sillier when running.
Ok, here we go. Back to the one million volts.
Now King Kong is flossing with electric wires. This is making Godzilla look like a punk!
Earlier, people had to get off a train because Godzilla was in the area. Now Godzilla is approaching, so they’re all getting on a train?
And getting on the train was apparently a bad idea. Lesson learned.
King Kong has found himself a woman now. Now all he needs to do is climb a phallic symbol, his go-to for a first date.
Oh, that was Fumiko. I forgot about her again.
“You stupid idiot! Let Fumiko go!” Yeah, I’m sure that will work.
The way Kong is looking at Fumiko and rubbing his nipple reminds me of why I can’t go within 100 feet of our local Starbucks anymore.
Now the guy is drumming again--the earlier drumming scene suddenly has meaning. Not a wasted moment in this stupid movie, is there?
Who’s chanting?
“It wasn’t the airplanes. It was this guy’s drumming and the inexplicable chanting that put the beast to sleep.”
“I’ve got it! We’ll raise him with balloons.” I think my subtitles might be a little off because that doesn’t make any fucking sense.
Oh, no. They’re going to “raise him with balloons.” I stand corrected.
This music is a little too big for a scene where they’re filling balloons with helium.
It’s hard to believe that anybody involved with Toho Studios would have thought this balloon thing was a good idea, but here we are.
Holy cow! This is happening!
I may have laughed when the two monsters were tumbling down a mountain.
Now they’re throwing rocks at each other, and this might be the most ridiculous fight I’ve seen in any of these Godzilla movies. I probably said something similar to this last year, the year before that, and the year before that.
Kong just threw a rock and somersaulted down the mountain and hit his head on a rock. You’d think he’d be better and throwing rocks than he showed there.
Repeated body shots with the tail--is that a move Godzilla’s used before?
“Damn...King Kong is getting roasted.” I know, Japanese guy! He was just teabagged.
Ha ha! Kong just shoved a tree down Godzilla’s throat. And he’s got some sort of electricity power now? What’s happening?
“We humans must change the way we think about plants and animals.” The environmental themes seem shoehorned in a little.
Is it bad that I have no idea how this movie ended? King Kong is retreated back to his island, but what the heck happened to Godzilla?
That was a delightfully goofy Godzilla movie Happy Cory’s birthday to all!
