Carrie

1976 horror movie

Rating: 17/20

Plot: The titular bullied high schooler goes nuts and kills everybody.

This was the first movie that I can remember seeing in a movie theater back in '76 when my parents took me as a 2 1/2 year old. It was hard to forget the artsy dirtiness of that locker room scene, the way John Travolta drinks his beer, that bucket of pig blood, those flying knives, and that filthy hand as I relived it all over and over again in my nightmares throughout my childhood. Though dated somewhat, this is a horror classic. De Palma's storytelling, though not far removed from King's novel, is unapologetically over the top, but he's got a style that I really like here. I really like how Carrie the character is filmed in a lot of of this. She's seen at askew angles and through things enough, and it adds to the mystery of her character. I also loved this long shot that leads the audience up the rope and to that ominous bucket. The whole king/queen announcement sequence is brilliant and leads to  the longest applause for anything in movie history. The aftermath--the music cutting out with the only sound being a stylish bucket creaking and dripping--is such a perfect calm before the shit storm. Sissy Spacek is perfect; her eyes manage to give off an innocence and creepiness simultaneously. Piper Laurie is also perfect, the performance nowhere near realistic but deliriously entertaining regardless. She's effectively creepy while saying some pretty absurd things. "I can see your dirty pillows. Everyone will!" Also, note that carrot chopping scene. Laurie apparently thought that this movie was a spoof which may explain how she played her character. This isn't a perfect movie. There's a dancing scene where the camera spins around Tommy and Carrie way too fast, almost like De Palma wanted to make his audience really dizzy before the climax of the story. There are a few awkward comedy attempts including one with sped-up chipmunk voices. John Travolta, probably because he became so famous, is a little distracting. This movie should also probably lose points for his "Get 'er done!" which I'm sure is what gave Larry the Cable Guy the only idea he's ever had as a comic. There's also so much music, a few notes plagiarized from Psycho, I think. Of course, with an overbearing mother and a notable shower scene, I guess this has a few things in common with Hitchcock's movie.

Worth mentioning: Michael Talbott acting his ass off during the scene where they get a pig. Incredible performance.

Love this "Goof" from imdb.com: "Chris is somehow able to give her boyfriend a blow job and talk to him at the same time, without her voice being distorted in the least."

Quigley

2003 movie

Rating: 2/20 (Abbey: 12/20)

Plot: A mean businessman who owns a CD-ROM company in 2003 dies but is sent back to earth as a dog to do good things so that he can get into heaven.

You're probably going to think that I'm making this movie up in some desperate attempt to hit my 365 movie mark for the year. In fact, you're probably wondering to yourself why I spent the time making that poster up there instead of just watching and writing about a damn movie. That does look like a movie poster that I could throw together using Photoshop, doesn't it? The menu screen for this dvd (yes, this movie does exist) was just as crappy looking, and the title sequence looked like the director William Byron Hillman--a guy who does not deserve to be called by three names like that--must have told his niece, "Here's some paper and crayons. Draw me some pictures of dogs to use for the beginning of my movie." Hillman hasn't directed a movie since this one. He directed a movie about a miniature horse called The Adventures of Ragtime which is currently at a 3.8 on imdb.com, an action picture about a kickboxer saving his girlfriend called Ragin' Cajun which sits at a 4.0, Double Exposure which is rated a lofty 4.7, the even better (apparently) comedy The Man from Clover Grove which is a 4.9, and The Photographer from 1974 which is a 6.8. Quigley's at 2.4, and since the movies I just listed are in reverse order from his filmography, we can only assume that Hillman's movies are getting worse. I can't imagine a movie being worse than this movie that rips off the far-superior Shaggy Dog movies (Note: "Far-superior Shaggy Dog movies" is something I never imagined typing.) or any of the other bad-people-turning-into-animals movies, and that might be why Hollywood hasn't given him another shot.

This is all about Gary Busey. Gary Busey nearly died in a motorcycle accident in 1988. He wasn't wearing a helmet, and I imagine that had a lot to do with what is happening with him in this movie. Helmet advocates should use this entire movie as a way to get motorcyclists to wear helmets when they ride actually. Gary Busey talks about his accident in an interview I watched in the dvd special features. You can watch the interview on Youtube right here, and you should because it's one of the most beautiful things you'll see in your entire life. He talks about this movie, his near-death accident, and getting "cancer in me face." That's not a typo. He actually turns into a pirate and says "me face." And if you like to read stuff, here's an article about how Busey was sort of ticked off because the makers of this film got heaven all wrong. There were some angels, a couch, and a mirror. Busey argued that there were no mirrors in heaven.

Seriously, readers. If you're riding a motorcycle, please wear a helmet.

Anyway, congratulations Gary Busey because you just won yourself a Torgo Award. I'm sorry if that ruins the suspense for any of you waiting for my end-of-year blog awards blog post, but I couldn't help myself. I was afraid that once he turned into a dog, he wouldn't be in the movie. Thankfully, another bad actor (Oz Perkins) plays his guardian angel, and whenever Perkins is in the scene with the dog, it's Gary Busey kind-of acting like a dog. And it's so brilliant! This film inflicts quite a bit of pain on the viewer, but it's worth it to hear Gary Busey say such great lines like, "I hurt my leg. . .lifting my leg to pee. It's not easy being a dog." And Busey's response to a hug from Oz Perkins? Friends, this twitching limp-armed thing he does is real acting. There's also a scene where he talks about shaking himself dry before giving a demonstration. But the very best Gary Busey moment in this movie is when he says the bewildering line "I'd have a better time cleaning a short person's teeth" while scratching himself. I thought that maybe "cleaning a short person's teeth" was some idiom that I'd just never heard, and decided to Google it. "Cleaning a short person's teeth" only gave me six results, all of them about this movie. So what the hell happened to bring us the magic of "cleaning a short person's teeth" in Quigley? Was it written? Was it an example of what happens when you let guys who died after traumatic head injuries improvise lines? I've emailed the director, so maybe I'll find out soon enough.

There's a lot to love about this terrible movie. A stereotypical German janitor who actually says, "Doggy, where are your papers?" That's P.J. Ochlan who, in a movie where he's not overshadowed by what Gary Busey is doing, could have been in consideration for the Torgo Award. A dogcatcher with a skunk played by Kieran Mulroney (he's listed as "Dog Catcher Wally Sprigs" in the cast overview) is equally awful. There are some details that prove the writer of this (Hillman again) is likely some kind of Luddite or at least not very tech-literate. There's the whole CD-ROM company thing which made me wonder if this movie was actually made in the 80s, but making it worse is that Busey's company only had one copy of the CD-ROM. And later, Busey's brother, an amateur game-maker, screams, "He's got my game! Those are my only copies!" That game, by the way, was great. It involved skipping stones and a surprise party, and I'm pretty sure I played something with better graphics on the Atari 2600 when I was 10. The overacting kids love it though. Speaking of the kids, there's a scene where the dog saves the little girl's life that completely defies logic and has to be seen to be believed. And then there's another scene where the dog saves the girl's life. Actually, it's a looking-for-a-lost-little-girl montage, and the "Give Me One More Chance. . .Let Me Change My Fate" song that plays through it is probably the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. Notice that I didn't say "worst song in a movie" or anything like that. I mean it was probably the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.

I'll say this about Quigley: One of the biggest laughs I've had all year while watching movies came near the end of this, a scene that I reckon was supposed to be sad but wasn't because one of the kids had to say, "Yeah, now we've lost two doggies."

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

2011 action movie

Rating: 25/20

Plot: The titular guy with the flaming skull has to fight the devil in order to save not only a boy's life but the entire world. Bring it on!

This whole movie feels like the cover of a heavy metal album that has come to live for the purpose of eating your stinking soul. That's especially true of flaming motorcycle cam scenes where Nic Cage's face starts contorting and getting all Ghost-Ridery. It's pretty badass. This sequel or reboot or whatever it is is a lot better than the first movie although that honestly doesn't say a lot. No, it's not a true 25/20, but there's a scene where the Ghost Rider pisses fire. And oh my God that might be the best thing that I've ever seen--Cage standing on the back of a moving truck demonstrating with some of his own flaming urine sound effects is magical all by itself, but when it changed to the Ghost Rider pissing fire, looking back at the audience, definitely breaking that fourth wall, and nodding his skull head? Holy hell, that's something to behold! It made me wonder if there was something I could buy in a toy store--similar to Hulk hands that make smashing noises or a Captain America shield--that would allow children to urinate flames. I'm a little confused about Ghost Rider's superpowers actually. Apparently, he can eat bullets, spin around while perpendicular about five feet in the air, survive missiles, turn all vehicles he drives into fire vehicles, and make people explode with a chain. And, of course, he can piss fire. The general tone of this movie feels different than it did with that first movie, but I'm probably not remembering it very well. There's almost non-stop action, right from the get-go with some crazy shaky-cam monastery kidnapping action and a car chase scene, but this also feels a lot more tongue-in-cheek. There's a humor I either don't remember or was too distracted to see. Nicolas Cage doesn't laugh at a monkey in this movie though. Cage's performance adds to his legendary list of unhinged credits. There's a scene where the Ghost Rider does a cute little dance while a nondescript bad guy says "Get some" which was nice, but the best scene is where he really loses his shit, makes himself twitch like no other actor is capable of doing, laughs like no other actor can laugh, and says "Scratching at the door, scratching at the door!" in this unearthly falsetto. He also threatens to eat somebody's stinking soul. He also narrates a bit (of course, because he's Nicolas Cage), reminds me of The Wicker Man remake with a line about bees, and gets a terrific line that I think might have been lifted from an original draft of Die Hard--"Merry Christmas, you assholes!" That line had to be improvised. And Nicolas Cage has to be on drugs. I also liked the too-brief performance of a guy playing a Swedish hippie who says, "Dude, what happened?" There are lots of "dudes" in this movie actually. And enough references to Twinkies to make me wonder if Hostess had some kind of deal. I can't imagine a urinating Ghost Rider being on a box of Twinkies next to the Twinkie cowboy with his lasso. Despite all the moments in this movie with a raw sublimity that will likely make you either spew blood or ejaculate right in your pants, this movie is a whole lot of dumb. When the devil gives the main bad guy the "power of decay," it apparently also involves giving him bad blond hair for some reason, and he succeeds in looking stupid rather than menacing. A big motorcycle stunt has either the dumbest or greatest musical selection backing it--a guitar-driven song with the lyrics "I got a velvet itch, I got a velvet itch, I got a velvet itch in my jeans." There's the randomly jerking camera, a trick I don't normally like in action movies and that here seems even more irritating. There's an unnecessary dig at Jerry Springer, and a subtitle that read "All chanting in demonic language." And a climactic fight scene on top of moving vehicles was about the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen, and I had just seen a leather-clad flaming-skulled guy urinating fire about an hour before. I did laugh at a whispered "Roadkill" that punctuated that fight though. I did appreciate a very obvious Wilhelm scream though. This movie is far from great, but at least it's a consistently entertaining bad movie.

Lo

2009 romantic comedy

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Justin's girlfriend April has been abducted by a demon, and he has to use a book of spells she left behind to call upon Lo, a demon who looks a heck of a lot like Lord Voldemort, to get her back.

I wanted to like this extremely low-budget independent romantic comedy because the concept is kind of neat, maybe more for the stage than the screen, and the director Travis Betz is a fellow Hoosier. The modern take on the myth of Orpheus unfortunately just isn't clever enough or entertaining enough to keep a person's interest. At the start, I thought I was watching low-grade horror until the titular demon shows up, starts calling the guy Dinner, performs a demon-head-busting-open magic trick, tells the main character to clean the shit from his pants, and asks, "Where the fuck am I?" He's got a little Beetle Juice in him. And he really does look like Voldemort, but that's just probably the lack of nose. I don't think my problem with this is the single setting with a few flashbacks mixed in. The problem was more to do with the Lo character being a little too dopey. There was also too much dopiness in the asides with gay Nazi demons busting into songs (though I imagine "Demon Girl" with a demon saxophonist is deservedly a big hit in hell), a random dancing demon waiter that made me ask "Why is this happening?", and a flashback scene complete with canned laughter. It wasn't until a second flashback scene featuring these weird gold-painted heads sticking out of the wall that I figured out that I'd already seen this movie, nearly fifteen years before it had even been made. There's also a scene where the guy talks to his hand, but it's not nearly as entertaining as when that happens in Evil Dead II. I do enjoy scenes in movies where a bunch of characters laugh in creepy ways at another character, and this does have a nice one of those. The demon costumes probably aren't bad for the budget this movie had, but I think I've seen better masks on trick or treaters. There's just too much exposed flesh in the eye-holes. In the end, this isn't funny enough to work as a comedy and not emotionally compelling enough to work as anything else. A scene at the end is supposed to be touching, but I was distracted because the actors just couldn't pull it off. This movie does contain a line that reminded me of something I said when I proposed to Jennifer though: "Tell me you won't eat me, and I'll make you my wife."