Showing posts with label 9. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 9. Show all posts
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
2013 magic comedy
Rating: 9/20
Plot: A magician partnership turns sour when, in an effort to compete with a hotshot Internet sensation street shock magician, they try and fail to perform a David Blaine-esque stunt on the streets of Las Vegas. The arrogant titular showman has to rediscover the magic and get back on top.
Look--somebody made all the humor disappear! Wait, I'm sure that one was used before. Let me try again. This feels like a trick on the audience? I'd rather be sawed in half? It's a wonderstone this even made it to theaters? The only thing incredible about this is how bad it is? Abracrapola? This plot that took place in Las Vegas should have stayed in Las Vegas? A few less laughs than Nolan's The Prestige? It'll be hard to find a volunteer in the audience because they'll probably leave halfway through the movie? Worst magic-related accident since Houdini's death? Is this why Ric Ocasek sang "Uh oh!" when he sang about magic? Somebody pull a better script out of a top hat--quick!? The Statue of Liberty will be begging David Copperfield to make her disappear again so that she can avoid seeing this movie? I know where director Don Scardino can stick that magic wand? A movie bad enough to make somebody vomit an endless stream of colorful scarves out their mouth? Not even that Sorcerer in that Mickey Mouse movie could clean up this mess? Here's a film that will make you stop believing in magic in a young girl's heart? About as entertaining as your perverted uncle who smells like he lives in a porta-potty doing that got-your-nose trick at a family reunion? Something-something Harry Potter losing his virginity something-something at Hogwarts?
I can't imagine a comedy being less funny than this one. Just giving Steve Carell a mullet is not going to do it, Hollywood. The funniest things about this were Steve Buscemi's on-stage facial expressions although he otherwise looked kind of lost in this thing. The late James Gandolfini very nearly made the entire movie worth the trouble when saying, "It's gonna smell like ass in there." And there was a scene with a guy juggling ventriloquist dummies. Other than that, this was just disappointing from top to bottom. For a movie about magic, this was just so bland. One of the main issues might actually be that there was no magic. It was all special effects. You can't have a movie about magic without showing some magic.
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
1994 manic comedy
Rating: 9/20
Plot: The titular detective is hired to find the Miami Dolphins mascot before their Superbowl appearance.
Ok, I don't get it. I watched this--yes, it was my first time--because I read something somewhere and was convinced that this was something. Jim Carrey was unleashed with this 1994 release, and his performance almost looks like the performance of somebody who is trying to ruin the movie. It's almost dada, Jim Carrey as an avant-garde genius or a Marx Brother whose wires became crossed during the time travel process. Nothing about the character makes sense, and once you get used to Carrey's rhythm, this is almost entertaining. Then, it's just annoying. I'm glad that Jim Carrey didn't spend his entire career doing this crap. I will say this though: You're not going to get any other opportunity to see Tone-Loc talking to Jim Carrey's ass. I'm really not sure how the other actors and actresses, some who were at stages in their career where they shouldn't have been desperate, put up with these shenanigans. I laughed exactly one time while watching Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, and that wasn't even because of anything Jim Carrey did. No, that was Alice Drummond as Mrs. Finkle with the line "Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell." I will not be watching the sequel to this movie unless I am tricked or in a P.O.W. camp.
Humanoids from the Deep
1980 horror movie
Rating: 9/20
Plot: Damn science! Once again, scientists dick around and accidentally create rampaging monsters. In this case, it's fish men who go around slicing up men with their deadly claws and violating women with their hideous reproductive organs. I guess they should have all listened to the Native American.
This is also, as you can tell from the poster called Monster. But that's not nearly clever enough for a movie made by people who can afford three monster costumes, the amount that is shown on screen at the same time. Yes, this is a cheap production as you'd expect something from Roger Corman to be. But it made up for its cheapness with the half-man/half-fish rape scenes. I mean, you never saw Jaws rape anybody unless you saw that titular beast as the phallic symbol that he was and saw the whole movie as some sort of rape allegory. I kind of liked how the monsters looked in this thing. They had these enormous heads and elongated arms, the latter which I imagine made groping teenagers a lot easier. This movie also has a fantastic ending, one that only sort of looks like it might have been stolen from another (more famous) movie that came out the previous year. And there was a random ventriloquist dummy in this thing as well as a splinters joke that I'm definitely going to be using if I ever get my hands on a ventriloquist dummy. This isn't the worst of these low-budget sci-fi horror hybrids, and the climactic scene where the monsters unleash their fury at a carnival that for whatever reason wasn't cancelled has its moments. And those monsters really do look kind of cool in a very ridiculous way. But this just feels like something we've all seen several times before.
Labels:
9,
Corman,
gratuitous sex scene,
monsters,
nudity,
puppets,
science fiction,
violence
Wife to be Sacrificed
1974 Japanese drama
Rating: 9/20
Plot: An ex-husband put behind bars by his wife escapes, kidnaps his wife, and gets his revenge.
It's unlikely that Masaru Konuma made any pleasant movies. This wasn't pleasant or entertaining although I imagine the target audience might get a kick out of some scenes and the creative use of lit candles. Things start cruelly and maintain it throughout, and that's pretty much all you get--just meanness. If there was any drama at all to the story, it might work, but this seems less like an attempt to tell a good story and more of an excuse to bust the kinkometer. There's very little style to transform this from smut to art. I did like how it was almost entirely sans music until for a pooping scene. That made me laugh. This was not a good movie, and you shouldn't even think about watching it, you pervert.
Shane Watches a Bad Movie with Friends on Facebook: Invasion of the Saucer Men
1957 science fiction movie
Rating: 9/20 (Libby: 7/20; Fred: 16/20; Carrie: 9/20; Chris: left because of newborn issues)
Plot: Teenagers' make-out sessions are interrupted by the titular invasion of some broccoli-headed aliens. One couple runs over one with a car, and they find themselves in trouble when a dead human is found in its place. Oh, snap!
The broccoli-headed aliens are great. Not sure how they even walk with heads that bulbous. I also liked a scene where a severed alien hand grew a hand and started moving around. Man, teenagers could make out in the 50's. They were going at it for what seemed to be hours of movie time. They've all got that "golly-gee" attitude that I'm sure all 50's teenagers actually had. They're all essentially the same character except some of them get to talk more. My favorite character was the farmer who owned the fields they were parking on in order to lock lips for hours. He's played by Raymond Hatton who acted in 416 things in his nearly 60 year career, a career that started in 1909. I'm sure this nearly unintelligible farmer was one of the highlights. Frank Gorshin, playing the town drunk, is also in this movie, but I didn't know that until about five minutes ago when I was looking up the farmer's name. The best thing about the movie is the morality they try to inject into the thing at the end, a hugely silly anti-booze message. The worst thing about the movie is the oppressive soundtrack. The music is constant and overwhelming. Phone-cranking and looking out of windows just aren't actions that need music to make them more cinematic. This is just silly enough to be watchable.
Shane Watches a Bad Movie with Friends on Facebook: Dead Heat
1988 zombie movie
Rating: 9/20 (Fred: 8/20; Libby: 7/20; Ozzy: 8/20; Josh: left before rating; Carrie: also left before rating)
Plot: A pair of cops fight off zombies created to commit robberies of jewelry stores. One of them turns into a zombie himself, and it's a race against the clock as they try to figure out who's responsible for the zombification.
Ozzy, the youngest member of our little Bad Movie Club, was annoyed because "zombies don't shoot guns" and because "no one can get that messed up." He apparently doesn't give Vincent Price bonus points. Price is in this for only a short amount of time, probably all he could handle at this stage of his career, but he certainly classes up the movie a little bit. As always, he's great to see, especially when trilling his R's in a movie where R-trilling seems completely out of place. Joe Piscopo does the opposite of "class things up," whatever that is. Piscopo doesn't quite have enough screen presence to make up for his lack of acting ability, and he's not funny or likable. He's like a big dopey gorilla, and he's got this thing where he'll say one of his stupid lines (i.e. "Sorry to interrupt your erection, pal.") in a way where it's obvious he wants to be noticed for saying it. He doesn't quite look at the camera and wink, but he might as well do it. This thing is painfully written anyway, and Joe Piscopo's delivery and/or general personality somehow makes it all worse. I can't knock the guy's triceps though. Treat Williams isn't much better. It's almost like he's brought down by being in the same room with Piscopo or something. Darren McGavin is Piscopo-proof and is as good as you'd expect him to be. The story's really goofy and not really effective as either horror or comedy. In fact, it's sort of painful as comedy. There are a few inspired moments, however, including one that involves zombified duck heads and some hulking decapitated meat monster. In fact, if you just watch the scene that takes place in a butcher's shop and nothing else, you will probably think this is some kind of horror-comedy classic, something directed by Raimi or Jackson maybe. The zombies look ok but they don't have much personality. They're kind of blandly gross and blandly menacing, even when they are armed. A corpulent one that Joe engages in fisticuffs with isn't a bad little zombie. This movie is full of dumb. Of course, that's what makes it tolerable to watch on Facebook with a few friends, I guess.
I picked the French (I think) poster for this because Piscopo wasn't holding up a pair of panties and making a stupid face on the others.
Rating: 9/20 (Fred: 8/20; Libby: 7/20; Ozzy: 8/20; Josh: left before rating; Carrie: also left before rating)
Plot: A pair of cops fight off zombies created to commit robberies of jewelry stores. One of them turns into a zombie himself, and it's a race against the clock as they try to figure out who's responsible for the zombification.
Ozzy, the youngest member of our little Bad Movie Club, was annoyed because "zombies don't shoot guns" and because "no one can get that messed up." He apparently doesn't give Vincent Price bonus points. Price is in this for only a short amount of time, probably all he could handle at this stage of his career, but he certainly classes up the movie a little bit. As always, he's great to see, especially when trilling his R's in a movie where R-trilling seems completely out of place. Joe Piscopo does the opposite of "class things up," whatever that is. Piscopo doesn't quite have enough screen presence to make up for his lack of acting ability, and he's not funny or likable. He's like a big dopey gorilla, and he's got this thing where he'll say one of his stupid lines (i.e. "Sorry to interrupt your erection, pal.") in a way where it's obvious he wants to be noticed for saying it. He doesn't quite look at the camera and wink, but he might as well do it. This thing is painfully written anyway, and Joe Piscopo's delivery and/or general personality somehow makes it all worse. I can't knock the guy's triceps though. Treat Williams isn't much better. It's almost like he's brought down by being in the same room with Piscopo or something. Darren McGavin is Piscopo-proof and is as good as you'd expect him to be. The story's really goofy and not really effective as either horror or comedy. In fact, it's sort of painful as comedy. There are a few inspired moments, however, including one that involves zombified duck heads and some hulking decapitated meat monster. In fact, if you just watch the scene that takes place in a butcher's shop and nothing else, you will probably think this is some kind of horror-comedy classic, something directed by Raimi or Jackson maybe. The zombies look ok but they don't have much personality. They're kind of blandly gross and blandly menacing, even when they are armed. A corpulent one that Joe engages in fisticuffs with isn't a bad little zombie. This movie is full of dumb. Of course, that's what makes it tolerable to watch on Facebook with a few friends, I guess.
I picked the French (I think) poster for this because Piscopo wasn't holding up a pair of panties and making a stupid face on the others.
Over the Top
1987 arm-wrestling epic
Rating: 9/20
Plot: Estranged truckdriving father Lincoln Hawk tries to reconnect with his son after his ex-wife's death. His father-in-law is against the idea, and his son doesn't like the idea either. Hawk wins his son over after impressing him with his arm-wrestling prowess.
Pow! I saw this movie in the dilapidated movie theater in Brazil, Indiana, as a middle school student, and I thought it was pretty stupid back then, and I was a pretty stupid kid in 1987, the type of kid who still thought the Ewoks in Return of the Jedi made perfect sense. It's your standard father/son road trip movie sprinkled with the arm-wrestling scenes, scenes that seem to be there only so Stallone can show off his guns. Then, the truck crashes into a mansion, and you realize what a stupid story you're watching and, at least at the age of thirty-nine, start to doubt your decision-making abilities. I've been a busy guy the last few months, and I just haven't had the time to watch as many movies as I'd like. So I get a little free time and watch Over the Top? This movie reminds me of just how bad I always was at arm-wrestling. This movie came out and made a very tiny splash, but it was enough of one to get kids to start arm-wrestling each other. We'd all try the little wrist twist thing that Stallone uses in this, but I'm not sure it ever did anything. Neither did putting our baseball caps on backwards. I'm really glad that was explained in this movie, by the way, or I would have lost sleep. I had little twigs for arms, and even girls would beat me although I had trouble focusing because the physical contact with a female made me giddy. I'm surprised Stallone's character didn't have the same issues because most of his opponents are real lookers. A handful of them are interesting characters who aren't given a chance to shine and add a little personality to this drab movie. One of the main issues is that arm-wrestling isn't really all that interesting, even in a Hollywood motion picture where you have some white-knucklin' edge-of-yo'-seat back-and-forth action. It's a lot of slow-motion grunting and despair. The biggest issue with the movie is the kid. He's played terribly by David Mendenhall, an actual kid, and although the acting is as terrible as you'd normally expect from a kid, the main problem actually has more to do with the writing. Basically, the kid comes across like a real asshole. He flees across traffic on a highway in an effort to escape, says, "I hate you!" a few too many times, and grows to like Lincoln Hawk a little too quickly. But Mendenhall doesn't help matters. I mean, if you can't look effectively disgusted after Sylvester Stallone says, "Would you like to use my shoulder for a pillow?" then you're just not an actor. This movie doesn't know how to develop a story or its characters and instead leans on a bunch of montages. I thought one song during an early montage was the worst thing I'd ever heard in my life, but then I heard another song that might have been worse. It was like Eddie Money and Frank Stallone, the latter who I bet is related to the star of this movie, were having some kind of competition to see who could make my ears bleed most. So many montages though. I think one montage even contained its own montage.
Rating: 9/20
Plot: Estranged truckdriving father Lincoln Hawk tries to reconnect with his son after his ex-wife's death. His father-in-law is against the idea, and his son doesn't like the idea either. Hawk wins his son over after impressing him with his arm-wrestling prowess.
Pow! I saw this movie in the dilapidated movie theater in Brazil, Indiana, as a middle school student, and I thought it was pretty stupid back then, and I was a pretty stupid kid in 1987, the type of kid who still thought the Ewoks in Return of the Jedi made perfect sense. It's your standard father/son road trip movie sprinkled with the arm-wrestling scenes, scenes that seem to be there only so Stallone can show off his guns. Then, the truck crashes into a mansion, and you realize what a stupid story you're watching and, at least at the age of thirty-nine, start to doubt your decision-making abilities. I've been a busy guy the last few months, and I just haven't had the time to watch as many movies as I'd like. So I get a little free time and watch Over the Top? This movie reminds me of just how bad I always was at arm-wrestling. This movie came out and made a very tiny splash, but it was enough of one to get kids to start arm-wrestling each other. We'd all try the little wrist twist thing that Stallone uses in this, but I'm not sure it ever did anything. Neither did putting our baseball caps on backwards. I'm really glad that was explained in this movie, by the way, or I would have lost sleep. I had little twigs for arms, and even girls would beat me although I had trouble focusing because the physical contact with a female made me giddy. I'm surprised Stallone's character didn't have the same issues because most of his opponents are real lookers. A handful of them are interesting characters who aren't given a chance to shine and add a little personality to this drab movie. One of the main issues is that arm-wrestling isn't really all that interesting, even in a Hollywood motion picture where you have some white-knucklin' edge-of-yo'-seat back-and-forth action. It's a lot of slow-motion grunting and despair. The biggest issue with the movie is the kid. He's played terribly by David Mendenhall, an actual kid, and although the acting is as terrible as you'd normally expect from a kid, the main problem actually has more to do with the writing. Basically, the kid comes across like a real asshole. He flees across traffic on a highway in an effort to escape, says, "I hate you!" a few too many times, and grows to like Lincoln Hawk a little too quickly. But Mendenhall doesn't help matters. I mean, if you can't look effectively disgusted after Sylvester Stallone says, "Would you like to use my shoulder for a pillow?" then you're just not an actor. This movie doesn't know how to develop a story or its characters and instead leans on a bunch of montages. I thought one song during an early montage was the worst thing I'd ever heard in my life, but then I heard another song that might have been worse. It was like Eddie Money and Frank Stallone, the latter who I bet is related to the star of this movie, were having some kind of competition to see who could make my ears bleed most. So many montages though. I think one montage even contained its own montage.
Trailer Park Boys: The Movie
2006 comedy
Rating: 9/20
Plot: The titular small-time criminals, following their release from prison, concoct a plan to steal a bunch of change.
I am not familiar with the television series that gave birth to these dull, stupid characters. This is the type of movie that glorifies idiocy. Although there are some bits that some people might mistake as humorous, this is messy and seemingly endless. All the characters are unlikable, the jokes are cheap, and neither the main plot or the subplots are enough to make this worth the ninety minutes.
I feel dumber after watching this movie.
Note: I think I watched this movie in six installments over a five day period. That probably didn't help.
Rating: 9/20
Plot: The titular small-time criminals, following their release from prison, concoct a plan to steal a bunch of change.
I am not familiar with the television series that gave birth to these dull, stupid characters. This is the type of movie that glorifies idiocy. Although there are some bits that some people might mistake as humorous, this is messy and seemingly endless. All the characters are unlikable, the jokes are cheap, and neither the main plot or the subplots are enough to make this worth the ninety minutes.
I feel dumber after watching this movie.
Note: I think I watched this movie in six installments over a five day period. That probably didn't help.
Ted
2012 comedy
Rating: 9/20
Plot: Marky Mark refuses to grow up, spending all his free time smoking pot with his childhood friend--the titular teddy bear who was magically brought to life after the fairy from the Pinocchio story felt sorry for him because he was a loser and brought the stuffed animal to life. This puts a strain on his relationship with his girlfriend.
This is just a big game of "Let's see what crude things we can have a teddy bear do!" and I found it pretty annoying. I've never been a fan of The Family Guy, so I'm not really sure why I thought this might be funny. I guess it was knowing that there would be a teddy bear saying a lot of crude things and maybe, I predicted, having a sexual encounter with an adult female. I know, I'm not a genius for predicting that or anything. We all saw the previews, the perfect case where those could have just been repeated about thirty times to produce a similar result. I didn't anticipate the storyline being so predictable. And predictably lame. It's definitely too predictably pedestrian for a movie that features a talking teddy bear should be. I don't like Marky Mark anyway, and although I'll credit him with having a nice rapport with a CGI stuffed animal, I didn't like him here either. I also didn't like Mila Kunis's voice at all. I think she's supposed to be sexy or something. This is filled with gags that I am not going to remember in a year, and a lot of the targets it pushes around won't be around long enough for this to need to be seen in twenty years. It's nowhere near as funny as Gooby, another talking bear thing. In fact, I don't believe I laughed a single time. I laughed during Gooby just to try to keep myself sane.
This is about as well written as Ted, but I have an excuse: Rapid fire!
Rating: 9/20
Plot: Marky Mark refuses to grow up, spending all his free time smoking pot with his childhood friend--the titular teddy bear who was magically brought to life after the fairy from the Pinocchio story felt sorry for him because he was a loser and brought the stuffed animal to life. This puts a strain on his relationship with his girlfriend.
This is just a big game of "Let's see what crude things we can have a teddy bear do!" and I found it pretty annoying. I've never been a fan of The Family Guy, so I'm not really sure why I thought this might be funny. I guess it was knowing that there would be a teddy bear saying a lot of crude things and maybe, I predicted, having a sexual encounter with an adult female. I know, I'm not a genius for predicting that or anything. We all saw the previews, the perfect case where those could have just been repeated about thirty times to produce a similar result. I didn't anticipate the storyline being so predictable. And predictably lame. It's definitely too predictably pedestrian for a movie that features a talking teddy bear should be. I don't like Marky Mark anyway, and although I'll credit him with having a nice rapport with a CGI stuffed animal, I didn't like him here either. I also didn't like Mila Kunis's voice at all. I think she's supposed to be sexy or something. This is filled with gags that I am not going to remember in a year, and a lot of the targets it pushes around won't be around long enough for this to need to be seen in twenty years. It's nowhere near as funny as Gooby, another talking bear thing. In fact, I don't believe I laughed a single time. I laughed during Gooby just to try to keep myself sane.
This is about as well written as Ted, but I have an excuse: Rapid fire!
Blood Games
1990 Rambo clone
Rating: 9/20
Plot: A barnstorming female baseball team runs into some trouble in Hicksville after the opposing coach refuses to pay.
Note: This also goes by the much-better name of Baseball Bimbos in Hillbilly Hell.
The most surprising things about this are that it came out in 1990 and that it was directed by a woman. It's actually director Tanya Rosenberg's only credit which was surprising to me because it's not completely inept film-making or anything. No, she expertly showed off these scantily-clad and oft-naked women just like a male exploitative director in the 1970s would have, most notably during an extended and completely pointless shower scene. This is a lot like Rambo with the whole "Hunters became the hunted" idea on the poster up there, only the makers of Rambo thankfully didn't try to find any excuse they could to get their main character naked. Plenty of skin in Blood Games, gratuitous, if you're into that sort of thing. I, of course, only watched this because I was in the mood for a good baseball movie, but there's only baseball in the first ten minutes of the movie unless you count women hitting rednecks in strategic locations with bats as baseball. That game was a disappointment though. [SPOILER ALERT] The girls win 17-2? C'mon, drunk rednecks, that's just embarrassing. This movie definitely gives psychotic country folk a bad name, not because they try to rape members of a female baseball team or murder people. No, it's the way they celebrate and talk trash during a baseball game they are losing so badly. One said, "Hey, let me show you my bat!" after a double and added some hip gyrations, very similar to a move that got me in trouble during a church softball game. My favorite redneck is played by the great George "Buck" Flower who even gets a scene where he's attacked by a group of women after caught being a peeping-Buck during the shower scene. He's got a trucker cap that says "The check is in the mail" which I assume came from his own personal collection, and for most of the movie but especially the locker room scene, it looks like he accidentally wandered onto the set or something. My favorite line in the movie is from main redneck Mino: "You're fucking with the devil now, boy." I think it's how he said it, with a little gravel in his voice box. He's played by a guy named Ken Carpenter who got a strange filmography. He acted and was a crew member for a movie in '74, had an uncredited role in a 1977 movie, and then did nine films between 1989 and 1994 before apparently dropping off the face of the earth until 2011 when he played a ranger in a movie that he wrote and produced called The Terror at Big Bear Lake: Thrillogy. He could have easily had a career as a poor-man's Sam Elliott though. Anyway, this isn't exactly a baseball classic like I expected and it's not quality storytelling either, but it's kind of fun in bits and pieces. And I'm sure a feminist would love it!
Rating: 9/20
Plot: A barnstorming female baseball team runs into some trouble in Hicksville after the opposing coach refuses to pay.
Note: This also goes by the much-better name of Baseball Bimbos in Hillbilly Hell.
The most surprising things about this are that it came out in 1990 and that it was directed by a woman. It's actually director Tanya Rosenberg's only credit which was surprising to me because it's not completely inept film-making or anything. No, she expertly showed off these scantily-clad and oft-naked women just like a male exploitative director in the 1970s would have, most notably during an extended and completely pointless shower scene. This is a lot like Rambo with the whole "Hunters became the hunted" idea on the poster up there, only the makers of Rambo thankfully didn't try to find any excuse they could to get their main character naked. Plenty of skin in Blood Games, gratuitous, if you're into that sort of thing. I, of course, only watched this because I was in the mood for a good baseball movie, but there's only baseball in the first ten minutes of the movie unless you count women hitting rednecks in strategic locations with bats as baseball. That game was a disappointment though. [SPOILER ALERT] The girls win 17-2? C'mon, drunk rednecks, that's just embarrassing. This movie definitely gives psychotic country folk a bad name, not because they try to rape members of a female baseball team or murder people. No, it's the way they celebrate and talk trash during a baseball game they are losing so badly. One said, "Hey, let me show you my bat!" after a double and added some hip gyrations, very similar to a move that got me in trouble during a church softball game. My favorite redneck is played by the great George "Buck" Flower who even gets a scene where he's attacked by a group of women after caught being a peeping-Buck during the shower scene. He's got a trucker cap that says "The check is in the mail" which I assume came from his own personal collection, and for most of the movie but especially the locker room scene, it looks like he accidentally wandered onto the set or something. My favorite line in the movie is from main redneck Mino: "You're fucking with the devil now, boy." I think it's how he said it, with a little gravel in his voice box. He's played by a guy named Ken Carpenter who got a strange filmography. He acted and was a crew member for a movie in '74, had an uncredited role in a 1977 movie, and then did nine films between 1989 and 1994 before apparently dropping off the face of the earth until 2011 when he played a ranger in a movie that he wrote and produced called The Terror at Big Bear Lake: Thrillogy. He could have easily had a career as a poor-man's Sam Elliott though. Anyway, this isn't exactly a baseball classic like I expected and it's not quality storytelling either, but it's kind of fun in bits and pieces. And I'm sure a feminist would love it!
The Uninvited
2009 horror remake
Rating: 9/20
Plot: A crazy girl returns home from the mental institution. She and her sister start to suspect that their step-mother is up to no good. Boo!
Random creeps, artificial insanity, characters who just don't feel like real people at all, plenty of creepy imagery, lots and lots of gimmicks, and a story that is fairly predictable make this an all-too-typical and kind of boring horror movie. I'd never heard of it and had no reason to watch it except Indianapolis television personality Sammy Terry wanted to show it to me. Well, his son anyway. And I have to assume that the rubber spider George isn't the original rubber spider either, more likely a great-great-grandson of George or something. Sammy Terry's name isn't the only bad pun you're likely to hear during a broadcast. I have good memories of watching the purple-cloaked and pale-faced ghoul with his Vincent Price laugh during sleepovers with friends, so when somebody told me that there was a Sammy Terry special on Halloween, I was all over it. Unfortunately, The Uninvited was the movie that I had to watch. It made me look forward to commercials.
Sammy Terry:
Rating: 9/20
Plot: A crazy girl returns home from the mental institution. She and her sister start to suspect that their step-mother is up to no good. Boo!
Random creeps, artificial insanity, characters who just don't feel like real people at all, plenty of creepy imagery, lots and lots of gimmicks, and a story that is fairly predictable make this an all-too-typical and kind of boring horror movie. I'd never heard of it and had no reason to watch it except Indianapolis television personality Sammy Terry wanted to show it to me. Well, his son anyway. And I have to assume that the rubber spider George isn't the original rubber spider either, more likely a great-great-grandson of George or something. Sammy Terry's name isn't the only bad pun you're likely to hear during a broadcast. I have good memories of watching the purple-cloaked and pale-faced ghoul with his Vincent Price laugh during sleepovers with friends, so when somebody told me that there was a Sammy Terry special on Halloween, I was all over it. Unfortunately, The Uninvited was the movie that I had to watch. It made me look forward to commercials.
Sammy Terry:
The Amazing Spider-Man
2012 superhero reboot
Rating: 9/20
Plot: It's just like this Spider-Man (hyphenated for Kent) except with a mutant lizard man instead of a goblin. And this one is in 3D.
Thank God! I've been wanting a movie to explain the origin of Spider-man for years!
It's like they decided to celebrate the 10th anniversary of the Sam Raimi Spider-Man by releasing the same movie again with different actors and a different villain. When that first movie came out, the story already felt stale to me because Spider-Man was one of the handful of superheroes who had a backstory that I knew fairly well. So here's the story again, so soon after the other one came out that it's impossible not to compare the two. I'm not going to do much of that, however, other than taking time to mention that there was a Randy "Macho Man" Savage-sized hole in this one.
This is what they showed me on the plane. I was going to try sleeping but couldn't. It's entirely possible that I dozed off throughout this, and I'm pretty sure it was edited for time. Either of those could explain why this seemed so choppy and poorly-paced. And there seemed to be quite a few lazy storyteller shortcuts in this, like how the bad guy finds out that Peter Parker is really Spider-Man. This is heavy on the one-liners--as predictably lame as one-liners can get--and since you can't see Spider-Man's mouth move, they always seemed like voice-overs, lines added during the punch-up stages of the script-writing process. The action sequences are dizzying and cartoony, all special effect and no soul, and since you already know how everything's going to turn out in the end, you kind of just want them to end. I really liked Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker. He's charming enough and everything. This version of Spider-Man was a little too cocky though, and that character trait was either not developed enough (i.e. Spider-Man as a dynamic character who learns a little humility while he fights crime) or that was lost in the airplane edit. Denis Leary and Emma Stone's characters were silly cliches, and Rhys Ifans and his stump were really good, the lizard villain (I think he's named The Lizard) just didn't do it for me. The budding romance between Peter Parker and whatever the girl's name seems like it was developed to grab fans of Twilight movies. I might have just thought that because of Garfield's hair though. Oh, I did like Charlie Sheen's dad as Uncle Ben although he was also a little cartoonish. This adaptation of the Spidey story has a troubling lack of depth, a movie made for teenyboppers. If you're easily entertained by watching a guy in spandex fly around the city, there's plenty of that. A lot of that, I'm sure, was for the 3D or even just big screen crowd. I was just irritated. More irritating was a scene where a bunch of tough New Yorkers--construction workers and firemen, aka the real heroes--help out our titular superhero with some cranes. And most irritating? That would have to be the music, a horrible mix of bombastic blockbuster score and emo tunes.
Hopefully, the studio that makes these Spider-Man movies will give a little better effort in 2022 when they reboot this again. And hopefully, the sequel to this tedious reboot will reunite Sally Field and Burt Reynolds. It's about time Burt Reynolds gets a shot to play a comic book villain. Maybe he can be that guy with all the arms or the Riddler.
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
2011 action movieRating: 25/20
Plot: The titular guy with the flaming skull has to fight the devil in order to save not only a boy's life but the entire world. Bring it on!
This whole movie feels like the cover of a heavy metal album that has come to live for the purpose of eating your stinking soul. That's especially true of flaming motorcycle cam scenes where Nic Cage's face starts contorting and getting all Ghost-Ridery. It's pretty badass. This sequel or reboot or whatever it is is a lot better than the first movie although that honestly doesn't say a lot. No, it's not a true 25/20, but there's a scene where the Ghost Rider pisses fire. And oh my God that might be the best thing that I've ever seen--Cage standing on the back of a moving truck demonstrating with some of his own flaming urine sound effects is magical all by itself, but when it changed to the Ghost Rider pissing fire, looking back at the audience, definitely breaking that fourth wall, and nodding his skull head? Holy hell, that's something to behold! It made me wonder if there was something I could buy in a toy store--similar to Hulk hands that make smashing noises or a Captain America shield--that would allow children to urinate flames. I'm a little confused about Ghost Rider's superpowers actually. Apparently, he can eat bullets, spin around while perpendicular about five feet in the air, survive missiles, turn all vehicles he drives into fire vehicles, and make people explode with a chain. And, of course, he can piss fire. The general tone of this movie feels different than it did with that first movie, but I'm probably not remembering it very well. There's almost non-stop action, right from the get-go with some crazy shaky-cam monastery kidnapping action and a car chase scene, but this also feels a lot more tongue-in-cheek. There's a humor I either don't remember or was too distracted to see. Nicolas Cage doesn't laugh at a monkey in this movie though. Cage's performance adds to his legendary list of unhinged credits. There's a scene where the Ghost Rider does a cute little dance while a nondescript bad guy says "Get some" which was nice, but the best scene is where he really loses his shit, makes himself twitch like no other actor is capable of doing, laughs like no other actor can laugh, and says "Scratching at the door, scratching at the door!" in this unearthly falsetto. He also threatens to eat somebody's stinking soul. He also narrates a bit (of course, because he's Nicolas Cage), reminds me of The Wicker Man remake with a line about bees, and gets a terrific line that I think might have been lifted from an original draft of Die Hard--"Merry Christmas, you assholes!" That line had to be improvised. And Nicolas Cage has to be on drugs. I also liked the too-brief performance of a guy playing a Swedish hippie who says, "Dude, what happened?" There are lots of "dudes" in this movie actually. And enough references to Twinkies to make me wonder if Hostess had some kind of deal. I can't imagine a urinating Ghost Rider being on a box of Twinkies next to the Twinkie cowboy with his lasso. Despite all the moments in this movie with a raw sublimity that will likely make you either spew blood or ejaculate right in your pants, this movie is a whole lot of dumb. When the devil gives the main bad guy the "power of decay," it apparently also involves giving him bad blond hair for some reason, and he succeeds in looking stupid rather than menacing. A big motorcycle stunt has either the dumbest or greatest musical selection backing it--a guitar-driven song with the lyrics "I got a velvet itch, I got a velvet itch, I got a velvet itch in my jeans." There's the randomly jerking camera, a trick I don't normally like in action movies and that here seems even more irritating. There's an unnecessary dig at Jerry Springer, and a subtitle that read "All chanting in demonic language." And a climactic fight scene on top of moving vehicles was about the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen, and I had just seen a leather-clad flaming-skulled guy urinating fire about an hour before. I did laugh at a whispered "Roadkill" that punctuated that fight though. I did appreciate a very obvious Wilhelm scream though. This movie is far from great, but at least it's a consistently entertaining bad movie.
Shrek the Third
2007 sequelRating: 9/20
Plot: Shrek doesn't want to be the next king, so he and his friends travel to locate a true heir to the throne. Meanwhile, Prince Charming is still ticked off after the last movie failed to end the way he wanted it to, and he attempts to take over the throne himself. Oh, snap!
Well, they're just going through the motions now. I lost interest in the plot of this one almost right off the bat, and the characters, none of which I actually like at all, are even more grating here than they are in the first movie. There's not a single laugh to be had here, and the novelty that makes the first movie tolerable is almost completely gone. It's replaced with the reverberating sound of a cash register actually. I wish Dreamworks would grow a pair and kill a couple of these characters off. Pinocchio? Have him sawed in half? Gingerbread Man? Didn't he have his legs bitten off in the first movie? You know what else Dreamworks gets wrong here? There's a scene where a character actually does die, and they stomp all over it with halfassed humor. Then, they have a funeral scene where I'm actually supposed to be sad. In the fifteen minutes when this is all going on, they manhandle both emotions and leave me wondering why they even bothered. Why didn't they just have Shrek fart in Donkey's face for fifteen minutes instead? Pop songs, general loudness, allusions that aren't as clever as anybody thinks they are. This is just tired. They made a fourth one of these?
I've always wondered. You know how foreign countries translate the names of American movies and they sometimes turn out kind of funny? I wonder if this one is translated as Farting Moody Monster in Vietnam or somewhere? Somebody research that for me.
Urine Couch AM Movie Club: All About Steve
Rating: 9/20
Plot: Crossword puzzle writer Mary meets a camera man for a CNN-like news channel and becomes convinced that they are made for each other. Despite his complete lack of interest, she and her red boots follow him all over the country.
File this under Awkward instead of Funny. Now I did sort of like the parodying of network news, the representation of these news people as nothing more than vultures scrambling around and hoping for tragedy. Thomas Haden Church's character was almost funny. Geraldo also has a cameo, and that guy is always funny. It was as if the makers of this movie said, "Uh oh. This movie's goin' nowhere, guys! Somebody summon Geraldo's mustache!" Sandra Bullock won a Razzie for her performance in this and famously showed up to accept. But you know what? It's not Razzie-worthy stuff. In fact--and you can accuse me of being silly for thinking this--I didn't think she was much worse than she was in that movie about the fat kid playing football. The problem is more her character. Sure comedy seems to fit on Bullock about as well as those ridiculous boots, but the things the writers of this make her character say in the name of so-called humor makes her character not only irritating but almost impossible to care about. I want to type something about DJ Qualls here, that weird looking little guy with the nose, but I can't think of anything to say. And I'm pretty sure Bradley Cooper is in every other movie that I see these days. I'm really not sure there wasn't a good movie idea here, but with all the tornadoes, Wild West hostage situations, and other too-crazy shenanigans, this just got too goofy, and the cliched and slapped-together crossword connections grew tiresome. Yes, bonus points were awarded for Geraldo's mustache. I'd love to see a biopic about that mustache, by the way. Not Geraldo--just the 'stache. Bradley Cooper can play the mustache. Get crackin', Hollywood!
Summer of Nicolas Cage Movie #17: Astroboy
2009 cartoonRating: 9/20
Plot: Robot scientist Nicolas Cage's son dies, so he makes a robot version to replace him. It doesn't work out nearly as well as you would think.
Life is short, and I wasted part of it watching Astroboy. I got really bored early, fought to keep my mind from wandering, and ended up liking next to nothing about this movie. I liked the part where the kid died, I guess. Apologies to anybody who really wants to read my detailed thoughts on Astroboy, but I can't waste any more time with it.
Summer of Nicolas Cage Movie #13: The Ant Bully
2006 animated ant movieRating: 9/20 (Emma: 9/20; Abbey: 20/20)
Plot: Poor Lucas is a bullied little kid who takes out his frustrations on a colony of ants in his front yard, squirt-gunning the hell out of them and being generally menacing. Nicolas Cage ant uses a potion to shrink Lucas down to ant size so that he can learn a lesson about teamwork and being nice. As he adapts to ant culture, he has to figure out a way to save the anthill from an exterminator he hired a few days before he started living in it. Oh, snap!
Nicolas Cage, Bruce Campbell, and Ricardo Montalban? And the movie still is barely half as good as the other two CGI-ant movies? Nothing grabs you in this one. The animation is mediocre, the story is predictable, and the protagonist isn't easy to root for. He's really, probably like all children, unlikable. Like so many modern animated classics, this very clumsily attempts to appeal to adults and children, and I don't really see how it would be completely satisfying to either. There are a lot of big little action sequences with a thwomping score that was probably lifted from another animated movie, but all they managed to do was make my eyes hurt a little bit. I got bored with this very quickly. Cage, as expected, does fine voice work, but it was a waste of his time as he could have been working on a sequel to Vampire's Kiss--Vampire's Kiss II: Watch Out, Roaches, Because There's a New Vampire in Town. This is a completely soulless, headache-inducing affair that actually made me want to either a) get the old magnifying glass out and kill some ants myself or b) give the kid a few doors down an atomic wedgie and make him eat grass. Ricardo Montalban, by the way, needs more work. I think I'd rather watch those commercials where he talks about soft Corinthean leather over and over again than watch this movie again.
Devil
2010 Night chronicleRating: 9/20
Plot: Right after a man jumps to his death from a window far above the van he lands on, a black guy, a white guy, an old woman, a younger woman, and a mattress salesman enter an elevator in building 333. The elevator malfunctions, apparently because it's possessed by the devil. Devil! A detective and the audience try to figure out what the hell is going on.
As soon as the words "The Night Chronicles" popped onto the screen, I had mixed feelings of glee and disappointment. On the one hand, this wasn't an actual M. Night Shyamalanadingdong movie, so it was unlikely that the level of comedy would meet my expectations after watching his brilliant comedy The Happening. On the other hand, M. Night now apparently thinks he's become the next Alfred Hitchcock and there's going to be a whole bunch of this crap, and some of it's going to be really bad. Devil isn't a complete disaster. In fact, the premise is sort of cool, and in the hands of a better writer, one without so many A's in his last name maybe, this might have ended up fairly good. As the film begins, you get these upside-down aerial shots of a city, and I was thinking, "Oh, my God. Shyamalan couldn't even find a director who knows how to properly hold a camera!" Once the detective comes along to solve the mystery of the falling man, things get ridiculous. And that's at the beginnning of the movie, so I guess things get ridiculous fairly quickly. The detective has trouble finding the broken window because of a moving truck or something, and it made me wonder if he was the right man for this or any job. It's just like when you hear the characters in this (especially the mattress salesman) interact with each other? It made me wonder if the writer, the director, and the actors and actresses were the right men and women for the jobs. I really wondered if anybody involved in the production of Devil has ever heard actual human interaction before. My favorite bit of dialogue is the bit about toast falling "jelly-side down" or whatever. Seriously, who wrote this garbage? So is Devil watching despite its many sins? Overall, no. It's too gimmicky and too silly to really enjoy. Or maybe I'm completely wrong and it's the gimmicks and the silliness that make it enjoyable. Who knows? All I do know is that I'll never look at devil-possessed elevators the same way again. In fact, next time I'm in an elevator with other people, I'm just going to go ahead and kill everybody just to be on the safe side. It might just save my life, and I'll have M. Night Shyamalan to thank for that.
Waiting for "Superman"
2010 propaganda filmRating: 9/20 (Jen: 7/20)
Plot: A scathing, one-sided attack on public education. Documentarian Davis Guggenheim half-asses his way through detailing the problems with public education and how charter schools can magically fix everything.
Please keep in mind one thing as you read this: An incredibly "bad teacher" wrote it.
Two days ago (one day after I watched this movie), we brought a guy named Jasper Partygarden (Note: That is not his real name.) into our team meeting. Jasper shows up to school late most days if he bothers showing up at all and has problems staying focused in class. In a lot of ways, he's a mature kid. He's street wise, has a car that was wrecked when he let a fellow 8th grader (a girl he liked) take it for a spin, and is a good-looking, older-looking dude who could almost pass as a young college student if you threw him on a university campus. At the same time, he acts really immaturely. He grabs things off people's desks, falls asleep in class, and teases other students in ways you'd expect more from an elementary school student. He eventually revealed to us that he's getting jumped almost daily by "Mexicans" in his predominately Latino neighborhood. He also told us that he doesn't get to bed until around 2:00 a lot of nights because his mother is sick, his step-father isn't around much, and he's got to help take care of the seven other children in his apartment, three who are under the age of two. We teachers realized that a lot of Jasper's problems, and the reason for a lot of his immature behavior, is because he's got to be the man at home. There's no room for Jasper to be a child so he acts out at school.
I'm not bringing up Jasper to make excuses for public schools, but there are a lot of Jaspers in the middle school I work, Jaspers with a variety of problems, a lot of them that you probably wouldn't even guess existed. Waiting for "Superman" frequently mentions the "best teachers" at the "best schools," contrasting them with "bad teachers" at "failing schools," and I just wonder how these "best teachers" would handle a classroom of Jaspers. Where Davis Guggenheim and his researchers are dangerously misguided is that they think the problem with the Jaspers of the world and why they aren't getting a quality education can be blamed solely on the public education system. In reality, it's a much larger and scarier problem than education. Jasper is the result of bad parenting in a broken country filled with arrogant and complacent leaders and citizens.
Thing is, you don't even have to pay much attention to catch the solution to all the problems Davis Guggenheim points out--most kids need to be taken away from their parents. For whatever reason, that's not the conclusion that Guggenheim comes up with. Instead, he's got an agenda, and Waiting for "Superman," likely from its conception, was his attempt to find anything that helps support that agenda.
And I'd like to think that anybody with a little common sense would be able to see the holes in this thing, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Guggenheim's documentary is sloppy myth-making and a textbook example of propaganda. You've got the same tired data that's been passed around for years and never questioned or actually broken down (reading scores flatlining, standardized test scores, Finland has better schools statistically, blah blah blah). You've got the use of buzz words ("academic sinkholes," "drop-out facilities," etc.), cutesy animated sequences, and red herrings that manipulate and distract. You've got faulty cause and effect like when our narrator tells us that an achievement drop-off from the fifth to the seventh grade can ONLY mean one of two things--kids get stupid or there's something wrong with public education. And you've got the stories (climaxing in a seemingly endless scene where they're hoping to be randomly drawn to go to the charter schools) of some kids who really want to learn and who, perhaps coincidentally, also seem to have really supportive parents. This documentary suggests that charter schools are the answer while completely ignoring statistics that show they are just as unsuccessful as public schools. No, it's not difficult to find some charter schools that have an astounding amount of success, but that's just not the norm. One could just as easily find public schools that have an astounding amount of success; however, that doesn't fit in with Guggenheim's plan. I also love how this compares and contrasts American schools with the rest of the world without really comparing or contrasting. Finland's at the top of the pyramid. Wouldn't it have been interesting to know why? Most Americans, I would hope, understand that a lot of those schools ahead of America are there because they don't allow all of their students to even get an education if they aren't succeeding early in their education. But no, Guggenheim just wants us to know that if we replaced our lower six percent with average students, we could be right up there with Finland. Whatever that means. Another statistic that I didn't really understand, likely because I went to public schools--"Bad teachers" only teach about 50% of the curriculum while "good teachers" can teach 150% of the curriculum. What does that even mean? Nevermind. Don't even tell me.
You know, this is so horribly misguided and misses the point (or worse, it invents its own point and hits a bull's eye) that I've decided that An Inconvenient Truth is also probably a bad documentary. I'm going to adjust my rating and stop inviting Al Gore to my parties.
The Toxic Avenger
1984 superhero movieRating: 9/20
Plot: 90-pound weakling Melvin works as a janitor at a health club, and he's endlessly teased and terrorized by the beefier and more attractive clientele. One day, they pull the ultimate practical joke--throwing Melvin in a barrel of toxic waste. It's hilarious. When he emerges, he's transformed into the titular superhero and starts mopping up crime all over town.
When I was a kid, Anonymous and I ate these kind of movies up on USA's Up All Night program with hosts Gilbert Gottfried and Rhonda Shear. And that other woman who was there before Rhonda Shear. Actually, very late at night is the only time this kind of movie would be appropriate. It's only late at night (very very late) when this kind of trash is funny. And this is the lowest form of trash, from the (intentionally?) awful acting to the gross-out effects to the cringeworthy attempts to be humorous. Anonymous and I missed out on some of the more gruesome effects since the USA Network apparently doesn't think there's a time late enough to show watermelons with wigs on them being run over by a car. I liked the low-budget effects; it's a good mix of bizarre and just plain icky. Nobody will accuse The Toxic Avenger or its makers of being intelligent, but there are times when you've watched too many dark and slow Hungarian movies or Czech Holocaust comedies and need something that's just the right amount of stupid. And The Toxic Avenger has that.
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