Pulgasari

1985 monster movie

Rating: 10/20

Plot: In an oppressive regime, a jailed blacksmith makes a doll out of rice, probably because he doesn't have anything else to do. When that doll comes in contact with the blacksmith's daughter's blood, it comes to life, and when it starts eating metal, it grows to an immense and destructive size.

The story behind the making of this is probably more interesting than the movie. The South Korean director, Shin Sang-ok, was kidnapped by North Korea, orders from none other than Kim Jong Il. And then he was forced to make this movie with the help of folk from Toho studio. The movie itself is really kind of dull, a boring entry in the guy-in-rubber-suit-wreaking-havoc genre. The thinly-veiled communism allegory makes it all a little more interesting, but the monster itself is a little stiff and without much personality. The adult Pulgasari anyway, as the little baby one that munches on sewing needles and door locks is about as cute as a fierce monster can be. He's also possibly retarded, and I can justify the use of that word here because what Kim Jong Il did in his career as a dictator is a whole lot worse. This has some really poor fight scenes with all those 1970's martial arts movie sound effects. The whole thing has a much older feel actually, so much that I wondered just how long Kim Jong Il had been in power before noticing this movie comes from the mid-80s. The movie takes a very long time to get going and as a whole is nearly as stiff as Pulgasari. I'll say this though--I was impressed with the amount of extras involved in this production. The battle scenes were epic!

True Stories

1986 movie

Rating: 13/20 (Jen: 10/20)

Plot: Talking Head David Byrne visits a Texas town on its sesquicentennial as its inhabitants prepare for a talent show. One of those inhabitants, Louis Fyne, looks for love.

Band Radiohead nabbed its name from this movie.

This is a mess of a movie, but it's an interesting enough failure, probably one that would appeal to those in tune with Mr. Byrne than those who aren't. Like the Heads' music, this one kind of has its own rhythm, one that does quite fit in with pop movies like the Heads' quirks make them one of pop music's more unlikely successes. If I had to pick a movie this reminded me of, it would be Soderbergh's Schizopolis, although this is a lot less subversive. There's almost a documentary feel to the movie with a sprinkling of satire about life in small town America. Byrne's narration, mostly from a red car which contrasts sharply with the Texas landscape, is humorously naive, and his costumes are goofy and fun. Being a musical guy, director/star Byrne gives his characters multiple opportunities to sing or, in one memorable scene, lip sync. There's a lot of clever in this, but you have to wade through a lot of clumsiness to get there, and I don't imagine it'll be worth it for too many people. John Goodman lumbers as enthusiastically through this as he does in that Bob Dylan mess, Masked and Anonymous. Spalding Gray also makes an appearance. I can't say I completely understood what Byrne's intentions were with this thing, but I did enjoy watching parts of it.

Deadhead Miles

1972 truck movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A possibly-crazy Cooper steals a Peterbilt, paints it yellow, and starts a transcontinental trip. He picks up the Jeffersons' butler, and they have a series of misadventures.

If you like trucker movies or 70's counterculture road movies, you need to check this one out before you forget about it and it goes away forever. A large percentage of the population ain't going to get this Malick-penned undiscovered little gem, but for those who do, it's going to hit hard. I came for the truck driving and Malick script, stayed for Alan Arkin's ridiculous performance, and fell in love with the Paul Benedict brilliance. Let's start with that script which seemed aimed straight for my funny bone. There's very little story here, just episodic free-form truck-driving tomfooleries, but there's a great feeling of nostalgia and a celebration of the open road. The story has a very made-as-you-go feel, but not in a bad way at all. Take this sequence when the characters try to go to a drag race: They can't get into the drag race because they either can't pay or don't want to pay. Paul Benedict's character says that he is going to watch the drag race from inside. The two have a little fight. Benedict buys a fake mustache. They steal a doll. Arkin rips off the dolls head and attaches it to the bottom of the gear shift in somebody else's truck. He moves the gear shift which contorts the doll's face and then says, "The world is bigger than you know." Nothing in that scene connects with anything else. Hell, the scene doesn't make sense on its own, but for whatever reason, it adds to the experience and is really funny. Here's another bit of dialogue after the characters throw full stolen bottles of soda at signs from their moving cab in a scene that might be about six bottles too long:

Arkin: Boy, I never had so much fun. Howdy mighty damn!
Benedict: Golly.
Arkin: That was fun.
Benedict: Gee.
Arkin: That's what I call fun.
Benedict: That was something all right.

Come on! That's almost Shakespearean! I also liked this exchange, following some enthusiastic singing:

Benedict: You know "Red River Valley"?
Arkin: Yeah.
Benedict: You want to sing it?
Arkin: No.

As I type that, I realize it's one of those you-had-to-have-been-there moments, but I don't care. I'm typing it anyway. I'm not sure any of the dialogue would work without Arkin and Benedict. The latter I was just thrilled to see. Arkin is completely unhinged here, so close to Depp's Hunter S. Thompson that you almost wonder if Depp drew inspiration from this before remembering that he drew his inspiration from an actual guy. Arkin's performance is one of the oddest I've seen as he hollers at blow-up dolls, claims his name is Bingo Freighthaulers, or tells stories about Jesus. A lot of the fun is this weird rapport that Arkin and Benedict have. Watch Benedict's face as Arkin is talking through a drive-in showing of Samson and Delilah when he says, "Hey, look at Jesus up there!" or claims that "Jesus don't make no deals." Or when Arkin's rambling something like "If I see him again, I'm gonna stick his head with a fork mumble mumble mumble" followed by a pained scream, a moment when Arkin just gives up on using words. That look on Benedict's face is priceless. My favorite moment (possibly ever) is when both characters are screaming. A feeling of euphoria washed over me, dear readers.

OK, I'm going to start reminiscing with myself about this movie that none of you will ever see. My new favorite movie!

Oh, but for all you Richard Kiel completists--you could blink and miss him, but he is in this one. You know, the dude with the 7'2" teeth.

A Christmas Carol

2009 Christmas horror movie

Rating: 11/20 (Jen: 14/20; Dylan: dnf; Emma: dnf; Abbey: too terrified to finish)

Plot: An old guy mixes up his medication again and has a series of fever dreams and hallucinations that end with his obsessing over a crippled little boy. Merry Christmas!

I don't think Robert Zemeckis has a clue who his audience is. This isn't as terrifying as the ultra-creepy Polar Express movie (Shane trivia: That's the only movie that, since I was watching it on a plane, made me wish for a plane crash.) which is odd since this one has a lot of scenes that are supposed to be terrifying. It is scary though, so much that there's no way this would appeal to children. And it's a cartoon, a genre that a lot of adults have no interest in, so it's not really for adults either. So who's the audience for this thing? Speaking of the cartoonishness, I don't care for this kind of animation at all. I don't like the unnatural way the characters move while they have such a realistic look to them. I think it's that clash that makes this feel so cold and stiff and creepy. I did like how the camera moves, and being able to zoom beneath character's legs or through wreaths is almost enough reason for this story to be told yet again. The animated telling of the story allows for some different perspectives at least, and there's a liveliness to this version that only gets old at about the 2/3 mark. Zemeckis does a great job creating an animated London that effectively sets the mood for Scrooge's story, and the ghosts look pretty good. Well, Marley looks ghastly cool. The Ghost of Christmas Past is the wrong kind of creepy, and the Present one looks like it could be a Will Ferrell character. Dug the shadowy final ghost though. Overall, this just seems loud and extraneous, and far from the new Christmas classic I think Zemeckis is trying to make, it's not even one that I'll likely ever revisit again. Unlike Polar Express which I do periodically revisit in my darkest of nightmares.

Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas

1977 holiday miracle

Rating: 16/20 (Jen: 12/20; Dylan: 20/20; Emma; 14/20; Abbey: 12/20)

Plot: Pa's dead, and Emmet Otter and his mother Emily struggle with odd jobs to make ends meet. When they both hear about a Christmas Eve talent show that pays fifty bucks to the winner, they sacrifice tool chests and washboards in order to capture the prize. A flashy rock band from River Bottom threatens their chances of winning, however. Will Emmet or his mother be able to win the big money? Will they find something more valuable than fifty dollars? Will somebody who uses the slide Pa made injure himself and sue?

My favorite thing about this is how their legs move when they walk. You'd almost think that Jim Henson or somebody would say, "OK, fellows. We tried with this leg thing, but we just can't get this to look right. Oh, well." Maybe they did, but somebody else stepped in and said, "Don't change a thing! Those legs look awesome the way they are!" And that second person, Christian readers, was correct.

This sweet little story was one of my favorites when I was a kid, mostly because I like both puppets and jug-band music. That and Emily Otter is one hot little number. It's probably been close to thirty years since I last saw this, but I could still do a mean air-guitar/vocal version of the River Bottom Nightmare Band song. They're my favorite characters, of course, because they're misbehaving rock 'n' rollers. Chuck with the voice of Cookie Monster, a bass-playing snake, an otter that looks like he could have been one of Fat Albert's buddies, and a fish that is apparently just there for decorative purposes. I'm so glad [SPOILER ALERT] that they won the thing because they freakin' rocked. Being a Muppet production you can expect certain things--quality songs, recognizable voices (if you grew up on Sesame Street), and great and creative puppeteering. This delivers, and if my wife and kids just want to make fun of it the entire time we're watching it, they may wake up on Christmas Day to find that their father has abandoned them.

I Like Killing Flies

2004 documentary

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Kenny Shopsin's operated a restaurant where he's put a variety of things in pancakes for over thirty years in Greenwich village. Like the Soup Nazi, he's got an eccentric personality and a series of rules he expects his customers to follow. He loses his lease and is forced to move down the street. He was already grumpy, and this development isn't going to help his temperament any.

This is the sort of oddball, like Timothy "Speed" Levitch, who I enjoy spending some time with. I'm not sure I'd want to eat the food after watching it prepared or getting a glimpse into the guy's kitchen. This is the kind of old guy that, given the right circumstances, I'll likely turn into. He's a colorful personality with an interesting life perspective. This documentary is quotable and endlessly entertaining as he tells the camera that "This [stove] looks like a whore's ass" or that new customers "have to prove it to me that they're OK to feed." At the end, he gets downright philosophical, discussing the need for people (specifically, his children) to realize that they're "not so terrific" and encouraging people to "pick an arbitrary, stupid goal, become involved in it, and pursue it with vigor." Shopsin's looks like a fun place, and I'm glad this little documentary gave me the opportunity to visit it. Still not sure I'd want to eat something that's been prepared on a whore's ass though.

Fists in the Pocket

1965 family film

Rating: 16/20

Plot: An epileptic young man named Ale decides to murder everybody in his family in order to give his brother a chance to live a normal life.

This is strange little Italian movie that reminds me quite a bit like that other Italian movie. At the center of things is Lou Castel and his performance as the bad (or good, depending on how you look at things) brother. Even during his calmer scenes, you can see a lot of craziness burbling beneath the surface. Of course, the real fun is watching him come completely unhinged. His performance is really mesmerizing and my eyes were just glued to him. Unless Paola Pitagora, his character's sister, is on the screen because my eyes really enjoyed watching her for different reasons. This bleak and cynical family drama is shot in an interesting way with Bellocchio taking advantage of the architecture and geography to help illustrate the family dynamics and situations. They family leaves on a cliff which works to not only create some beautiful shots but as a metaphor. I also liked an early dinner sequence with some creepy editing and choreography really paints a picture of what this family's all about. It's a picture that's worth a thousand words as all these slight movements give you this strong impression that things ain't right with these people. Morricone's score, a lot of it consisting of ghostly vocals and dropping things, is also very effective. This had some slow moments and a confusing relationship between Ale and his hot, hot sister, but it's still a nice feel-bad picture of a dysfunctional family.

Best Worst Movie

2009 documentary

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A look at Troll 2 and its cult following as a so-bad-that-it's-good-although-it's-in-no-way-really-good film. Michael Stephenson, the boy who pisses on hospitality in Troll 2, assembles most of the talent (Note: I'm using that word liberally here.) and the Italian director, explores the phenomenon of cult cinema, and returns to Nilbog (It's Goblin backwards!) for an often awkward reunion.

OK, I'm not seeing anything on imdb about Claudio Fragasso making a sequel called Trolls 2: Part 2, and I can't decide if I'm disappointed or relieved. I'm not sure this is magic you can just recreate.

I avoided watching this as I was afraid it would yank the Wizard's curtain away and reveal something that would somehow ruin the experience of Troll 2, but it really doesn't do that at all. It's comforting to know that everybody involved in this had every intention to make a movie that was actually good. Fragasso at least claims that he's almost insulted by people referring to this as a bad movie (he almost gives himself away during a screening where he's caught laughing) and the delusional actress who played the mom compared Troll 2 to Casablanca. My favorite scene involves her, by the way. George Hardy (the dad) and Michael Stephenson (the son and guy who put this documentary together) are at her house trying to talk her into showing up at some reunion thing. She nervously refuses and then describes noises she's hearing at night, presumably from Troll 2 fans. Hardy asks what kind of noise she's hearing and she unleashes this hellish scream. The looks on the faces of Hardy and Stephenson are classic. The rest of the principals seemed a little embarrassed or confused by their involvement in this. George Hardy's at the center of all this as the dentist with acting aspirations. The guy's enthusiasm is infectious, but things get a little sad when he starts forcing that "You can't piss on hospitality!" line on people at horror conventions who have never even heard of his movie. Also sad: the look in Robert Ormsby's (Grandpa Seth) eyes when he says, "I guess you could say I've wasted my life." I really enjoyed the antics of Don Packard, the guy who played the shop owner in Nilbog who had spent time in an asylum just prior to the filming of Troll 2.

Yeah, this is a movie about one particular movie and how it's because famous in unexpected ways, but it does a good job exploring the fandom with cult movies in general and, a lot like Winnebago Man, showing how the love people have for the stars of these kinds of oddball phenomena is genuine.

I might try to convince my family to make Troll 2 a Christmas Eve tradition.

Terror in a Texas Town

1958 Western

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A greedy oil tycoon is trying to drink everybody's milkshakes up. One of his thugs shoots and kills a Swedish landowner, and when his son comes for a visit, he finds out about it and gets all pissy.

Iron-hooked fury! They say you can't bring a knife to a gun fight. What about a harpoon though? This doesn't have a terribly original plot, but it opens and closes with one of the craziest Western showdowns you're likely to see--a ticked-off Sterling Hayden yielding a harpoon as he's marching down the dusty street to face the bad guy with his guns and black outfit. Slap my ass and call me Ishmael if that's not just completely badass. Sebastian Cabot is great as the oil baddie, but it's really Sterling Hayden's terrible Swedish accent that steals the show. I was distracted by having to figure out if he was supposed to be mentally challenged or not. Derivative, other than that bitchin' harpoon, but well shot with some solid character development, this isn't a great Western but it's not a bad one. And I'm not joking when I type that this might be the best Hollywood example of iron-hooked fury ever! Iron-hooked fury!

Strictly Background

2007 documentary

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A look at ten professional film extras.

An oft-amusing and at time surprising poignant look at the lives of these folk. Some of them are completely delusional as you might expect, but you can't really accuse the director of going out of his way to find the real nutcases. Most of them are realistic and just have an enthusiasm for this kind of work, a love of being on the set, and an excitement with getting to see themselves, even briefly, on the silver screen. With a documentary like this, one where you get a glimpse at the lives of eccentric people, you always want to judge it on how fair it is to the subjects. There are times when this seems like it might be poking fun a bit. That's fine with me because I really like making fun of people anyway. I really enjoyed seeing these people in their movies, the footage changed to completely black and white except for the extra. Some of these cats were even featured pretty prominently, like the guy who was semi-nude in The Shawshank Redemption or the other guy who even looked like he got to act a bit in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Then again, you also had the poor woman who kept talking about movies in which she had appeared where the clips would only show the top of her head or a shoulder or something.

My favorite bit: A guy outside of the Ricardo Montalban theater calling it the "Tattleban Theater" and then saying, "I might not be saying that right."

Punching the Clown

2009 comedy

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A semi-autobiographical tale of comic singer-songwriter Henry Phillips, this follows the protagonist to L.A. where he tries to make it big and get himself a record deal. Meanwhile, he deals with his brother, love, accusations of Neo-Nazism, and being a sell-out.

This is smart and understated like I prefer my comedies. I watched it on a whim, probably because Sarah Silverman liked it and I want to impress her, and I'm happy that I did. It's not so much a mockumentary, but it's got a vibe similar to Curb Your Enthusiasm where it feels like you're just following this hapless character around as he has misadventures instead of watching a character in something more written. No, Henry Phillips doesn't have the acting chops (does Larry David?) to make it all that believable or Larry David's personality to carry the premise, but this is well written enough that it doesn't matter that much. And Larry David doesn't have a guitar. Phillips' songs all the sound the same, but at least I like his voice and they are consistently funny. As his manager, played hilariously by Ellen Ratner, says, he's like "James Taylor on smack." Loved Phillips' response to that: "But James Taylor really was on smack." I also enjoyed Phillips' rival Stupid Joe (Mark Cohen) and the cuts we get to hear from his album Let's Get Guitarded, probably enjoyed them a little more than I was supposed to actually. But c'mon, it's impossible not to laugh at "Cut loose, footloose, there goes some more brown juice," isn't it? This feels like a Phillips-penned love letter to his career, and I really enjoyed it.

Run Ronnie Run

2002 comedy

Rating: 10/20 (Mark: 10/20)

Plot: The titular redneck frequently makes appearances on a Cops-like reality show, so a struggling producer decides to give him his own show where he gets arrested in different cities every week. It's a smash hit, and Ronnie has to adapt to a new celebrity lifestyle.

I laughed at this a few times, but I never felt comfortable doing it. It really felt like a blow to my dreams of being an elitist hipster. Elitist hipsters, by the way, will refuse to admit that this is just a slightly-more-intelligent Joe Dirt with performers slightly cooler than David Spade. David Spade would have trouble stuffing this much star power in his comedy. Seriously, look at this list of famous folk:

Jeff Goldblum. A bunch of others.

It's just missing Andy Dick, and I could have sworn I saw him, too. Couldn't find him in the credits though. Mark and I watched this after watching the lighthearted Mishima and had time for another piece of classic cinema. I demanded something "stupid" and ended up with this. It's definitely stupid.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains

1982 punk movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: A triad of punk grrls grab them some instruments and form The Fabulous Stains which, after opening up for a couple of boy punk bands, begin to develop a following despite their complete lack of talent. It's the style that sells records anyway, right?

This is choppy and uneven, it nearly put me to sleep, and it lacks thematic clarity. Still, there are some endearing components, most notably the performance of Diane Lane as the lead Stain. She's going to be Clark Kent's mom in the superfluous upcoming Superman movie, but here she's young and angry. She plays naive and pissed really well here, well enough that it should have launched a great career. She would get to play Patty in Rumblefish and one of Charlie Chaplin's wives in that biopic. Laura Dern and Ray Winstone are both good here, too. The Stains' music is fun, kind of reminiscent of The Shaggs only with a little more attitude. This movie's got a large cult following apparently and was difficult to find for a long time though it is available on Netflix now. It just didn't connect with me, and I doubt I remember much about it five years from now. Well, other than a really disappointing ending maybe.

Cannibal! The Musical

1993 historical musical

Rating: 14/20

Plot: The story of Alfred Packer, the lone survivor of a failed mining expedition somewhere in the Rocky Mountains. Upon his return to society, he's tried and convicted of eating the rest of his party, something you're apparently not supposed to do on a mining expedition. His only hope to escape an impeding hanging is a young newspaper reporter named Polly Pry and some Japanese Indians.

This one, as you'd expect being an early project from one of the South Park dudes, is a mixed bag. It's a musical about cannibalism, so it's nothing I need to be talked into seeing. Since this is a Trey Parker project, you might guess that the songs would be pretty good. They are, too. Parker's songs have a way of feeling they could actually be in a legitimate musical until you listen really closely to the lyrics and hear things that would have Rodgers and Hammerstein reaching for their shotguns. Lyrical genius:

"The sun's as warm as a baked potato."
"The sky was a lot more blue when I was on top of you."
"My pa was an elephant, but that is irrelevant. My ma was an Eskimo."
"I've got a chest of wonder and balls of thunder. I can break right through a wall."
The entirety of the snowman song.

This is brazenly low budget, and I really got a kick out of the costumes and faux facial hair. The trapper characters' outfits were the best. They even had "Trapper" across their backs which made me laugh. My favorite characters were the Indians, played stereotypically by Japanese people. Favorite line: "We are. . .Indians. Look at all the teepees." All kinds of little oddities in this one--references to The Odyssey and unexplained aliens. This one isn't a home run or consistently great, but it can be mentioned in the same conversation as an Airplane or a Holy Grail, which a lot of comedy directors would take as a huge compliment. People will think a lot of this is pretty juvenile but there's enough clever in here to make it worthwhile. Also of interest to South Park or Team America: World Police fans or anybody who likes musicals or cannibalism. And if you appreciate both musicals and cannibalism? Hold on tight!

Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story

1988 biopic

Rating: 14/20

Plot: The Karen Carpenter story, detailing her rise to fame in the 70s with The Carpenters and her battle with anorexia nervosa.

But with Barbie dolls.

This is Todd Haynes first movie, and it looks like it's probably a student film. It's made on the cheap, but the use of the dolls is definitely effective. The initial fun of watching this reenacted with dolls does wear off a bit after a while, and I'm glad this movie isn't longer than the forty or so minutes that it is. I happen to like The Carpenters' music, but the fact that there is so much of it in this little film made it really difficult to both watch this movie or find a poster since its use (and probably the use of Barbie dolls actually) makes this movie illegal to sell. Well, the former wasn't all that tough actually since you can see this thing on the Internet. You'll see the use of the dolls as novelty, but it really does help drive home a point of some kind. I might not know exactly what that point is, but I'm sure there is some kind of point.

By the way, if you're into this sort of thing, there is a Barbie spanking scene in this one. Hot!