Warm Springs

2005 polio movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: The guy from this movie has his political career and family life put on hold when he is diagnosed with polio and becomes a paraplegic. He retreats to the titular spa to rehabilitate. The movie sort of leaves things hanging, but I'm pretty sure he became president.

Cory recommended this about six years ago, and I kept putting it off because I thought it looked boring. There's a disturbing lack of kung-fu, and it doesn't have the FDR on Eleanor action that I hoped it might; however, I did enjoy the thing. It's certainly well acted. Branagh abandons Shakespeare (unless Shakespeare somehow wrote this) to play the future president, and he's just really really good. It's hard to explain why he's good. I mean, he nails the emotional ups and downs of FDR, but a lot of actors could have done that. What I like about Branagh's work is that he does these little things that humanize the character, taking FDR from some guy you've read about in history books to a guy you get to know as a human being and see grow in the context of the story. Cynthia Nixon plays Eleanor, that hot little number. Now, I'm sure she nails Mrs. Roosevelt's mannerisms and vocal inflection and all that, but she kind of annoyed me. Don't get me wrong--Nixon's good. She also does a good job with the human side, like in a scene where she discovers that her husband is boinking some other broad.  David Paymer and Tim Blake Nelson are also good although the latter plays a character who I am convinced is just Tim Blake Nelson. I didn't know while watching the movie, but I learned that they used authentic locations and stuff  along with actual disabled people to tell this story, lending the whole thing more of an authenticity. Branagh was actually swimming in the same pool FDR swam, staying in the same cabin, and driving the same car equipped with hand controls so that he could drive feet-free. I haven't verified it, but I think Branagh was also wearing FDR's underpants. I was also impressed with the effects used to make Branagh's atrophied legs. At least I assume that he wasn't using FDR's actual legs. And I'm also assuming that he didn't do something to himself to make his legs actually look like that. Daniel Day-Lewis might have done something like that. With simple direction and the great performances, there were a few scenes that managed to move me. I liked a lot with the Roosevelts' marital relationship, and a scene with a little girl walking nearly brought a tear to my eye. Good movie even though it has less Nazi werewolves than the other version I saw.

Yogi Bear

2010 family fun

Rating: 11/20 (Emma: 14/20; Abbey: 20/20; Buster: nr)

Plot: Yogi and Boo Boo have to help Ranger Smith save Jellystone Park on its 100th anniversary after the mayor decides to sell the land in order to help balance the budget.

Buster saw this dvd sitting around the day I watched 2001: A Space Odyssey. I asked her, "Hey, Buster, do you want to watch a Kubrick movie with me?" and she said, "Yes!" a little too enthusiastically. She patiently watched the monkeys and some of the space stuff before asking me, "Daddy, where's the bear?" Apparently, she thought Stanley Kubrick directed Yogi Bear. Three-year-olds are so dumb!

This is one of those television show adaptations that doesn't include any evidence that a single creative mind was involved in the production. The thing's completely harmless and mildly fun, but it has absolutely no zip and feels uninspired, bland. The animated bears look pretty good although the conversations between the human characters and them don't seem natural at all, almost like Tom Cavanaugh, T.J. Miller, and Anna Faris aren't even sure if there will be bears talking to them in the finished film. "Alright, I'll run through these lines, but if you don't stick a CGI bear in this, I'm going to be pissed!" I really like Tom Cavanaugh because he starred in one of my favorite television shows of all time, and I wish the poor guy's career was going a little better. Unfortunately, he's awkward. Dan Aykroyd provides the voice of the titular goofball, and it's probably among the least annoying work of his career. And Yogi Bear, along with his sidekick, is an annoying character who I really don't want to spend an hour and a half with. Boo Boo is voiced by Justin Timberlake which probably explains why I was aroused while watching this thing. The story's weak and predictable, the humor is spotty, and the characters probably aren't as likable as anybody remembers them. This was maybe better than I thought it would be, but nobody is going to list it among Stanley Kubrick's best works.

Look at that promotional poster up there. That's my favorite thing ever. It might not automatically look like Yogi and his little pal doing it "bear style" to anybody who isn't a pervert, but the "Great things come in bears" tagline invites the image. Somebody had to have been fired over that one.

Beavis and Butt-Head Do America

1996 cartoon

Rating: 13/20 (Buster: no rating)

Plot: Two boys go in search of their stolen television set and get mixed up with a pair of smugglers and the FBI.

"This sucks more than anything that has ever sucked before."

Not quite. This movie might have made me feel old if I thought about it a little more. I was never a fan of the MTV show but still managed to see this in the late-90s. And now I've seen it in 2013. It's the perfect sort of thing for a middle-aged man to watch with his mind completely shut off when he's supposed to have his mind turned on and actually accomplish things. There are a few film allusions including the opening sequence which parodies Shaft, but for the most part, this is the very opposite of clever. However, I did laugh a few times, and I liked a psychedelic dream sequence and a David Letterman voice cameo. Speaking of voices, I wonder what this had to do with the break-up of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis.

I am sorry. I can't dedicate any more time to this movie.

Charlie's Angels

2000 television show remake

Rating: 10/20 (Jen: 10/20)

Plot: The titular crime fighters have to defeat a bad guy who has stolen something that has to do with computers.

My wife wanted to watch this because she's a big Crispin Glover fan. The special effects team behind this twist him all around, allow him to defy gravity, and give him a cane sword. It actually looked to me like Glover might have been having some fun as a mysterious and mute villain. It's the most action he's had on screen since that punch in Back to the Future. He's easily the best thing about this mess. Well, unless you're a fan of the numerous shots of the Angels' rear ends. With hair-sniffing quirks and severely-parted hair, this will likely be the closest Crispin gets to being a James Bond villain. This tongue-in-cheek action comedy is almost a little fun, but the stupidity overwhelms it. Gratuitously sexy, unashamedly corny, and cartoonishly action-packed, this definitely won't appeal to the thinking man part of you. The trio of Angels--Barrymore, Liu, Diaz--are fine, but that something about Drew Barrymore that really annoys me is on full display here, and Diaz's character is a little too stupid. But they all move well and are shapely enough. There are a few cameos (Jen--"Tom Green AND Joey?"), and then there's Bill Murray who always looks to me like he knows that he's wasting his time when I see him in things like this. Allegedly, a fight with Lucy Liu caused by Murray questioning her talent kept him out of the sequel. I was happy to hear a Flying Lizard's song in this, but that was early in the movie, way before I realized that the makers of this were actually going to use every single song that has ever existed on the soundtrack. Oh, and there's Sam Rockwell, not surprising at all since he's in every movie.

I'm going to eventually see the sequel to this, but I won't feel good about it. I hope there are more explosions in part two!

Scooby Doo! The Mystery Begins

2009 television movie

Rating: 10/20 (Abbey: 15/20)

Plot: Details the origin of the Mystery Inc. as the gang get together for the first time to solve a mystery at their high school and clear their names.

This might be a little better than the theatrical movies. I also might not have paid that much attention to it. The real mysteries: Why does Fred a brunette sans ascot? Why is Velma Asian? How much money did they spend animating that dog? The dog looks pretty good for a television movie, but if you're going to animate the titular dog in something like this, you might as well animate everything else. And you know what? They did that several years ago, retelling the same story again and again and sometimes adding Don Knotts to the equation. There's really no reason for this to exist. Well, unless they want to add a CGI Don Knotts, and I'm all for that.

The biggest problem with this is the MacGuffin. It would be completely worthless, so the antagonist going to all the trouble he does in the movie to get his hands on it makes almost no sense.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

2011 sequel to what I assume are movies that are just as bad as this one

Rating: 3/20 (Dallas: 5/20; Rodrigo: 15/20; Osni: 17/20; Melany: 16/20; Dutch: 18/20; Lance: 15/20; Drake: 1/20; Ig'Enid: 5/20; Kimberly: 11/20; Mary: 16/20; Jaidah: 16/20; Breona: 17/20; Adrian: 19/20; Kuenton: 17/20; Justin: 10/20; Cierra: 1/20; Matthew: 1/20; Danel: 19/20; Sarah: 2/20; Tyler: 13/20)

Plot: Talking chipmunks fall off a boat and Jason Lee ruins his career looking for them.

So this is the complete bullshit they're forcing me to watch at school now? I saw the terrible and terrible-unfunny punny title of this and said to myself, "This thing loses points just for the title." And then the chipmunks started talking and singing, and there went the rest of the points. Speaking of their voices, here's a question: Why do they need famous people--Amy Poehler, Anna Faris, Justin Long, Jesse McCartney, Chritina Applegate (some of them are famous, right?)--to do the voices for the chipmunks? Their voices are speeded-up and unrecognizable anyway! You know what I think? I think they're doing it just to screw with me. That's right. Director Mike Mitchell, who after this and Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo should probably never be allowed to work again, cast Justin Long as Alvin just to screw with me. Well played, jackass! Jason Lee looks really uncomfortable here, and I'm not sure if it's because he has to talk to himself (well, imaginary chipmunks) the whole time or if he's upset that his career has come to this. And what's David Cross doing? His appearance actually makes me a little angry because there are a lot of things that David Cross could be doing with his time that doesn't involve him walking around in a chicken suit in this movie. This is annoying on more levels than I knew a movie could be annoying on. The chipmunks rap, sing, sing some more, rap again, and sing. And gyrate. There are way too many songs, and I was really close to sending one of my students out to pull the fire alarm so that I could a) hear something more pleasant and b) have a reason to go outside for a while. There are also all kinds of awkward references to much better works of art--Cast Away, Lord of the Rings, James Bond, television commercials, and Internet memes. All of them seem tired, and some of them won't make any sense in a few years. Hopefully, nobody's being subjected to this trash in a few years though. This movie really loses steam when they run out of things to do on the island, and it really didn't have any steam to begin with. I will say this, however: the chipmunk animation works well with the animals blending in with their surroundings perfectly. Unfortunately, they must have run out of special effects dough before making the volcano. I think this completes a "bad volcano trifecta" actually.

There was a movie that the chipmunks watched on the boat that had this monster that could shoot lasers out of its mouth. I really wanted to watch that movie instead. Hell, I really wanted to watch any other movie ever made instead!

Yes, I lowered the grades of any student who gave this above a 5/20. It makes me tremble when I think of our country's future.

And really. This and Deuce Bigelow? Blacklist this fiend!

Klown

2010 comedy

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Frank's having trouble with his girlfriend who has begun to doubt his abilities to be a father. A few other ill-timed mistakes (for example, jizzing on his mother-in-law's face) also threaten to end their relationship. To prove that he can be a good father, he kidnaps his nephew for a perverse camping trip. Things don't go very well.

These characters are from a Danish television show that was compared to Curb Your Enthusiasm, so I decided to check it out. The comparisons are apt ones. This finds humor in awkwardness and rude behavior. There's not a lot here that you'd feel all that comfortable watching with your mother. The "pearl necklace" advice and execution that I referenced above (yes, only for the jizz variation) is just one example of how this movie just doesn't understand boundaries. The characters, the kind who you like to watch on the screen even though they're not the least bit likable, sort of unapologetically and lackadaisically venture through taboo land. You can maybe believe that they're doing some of these things in a movie because they're the kinds of things you might see American movie characters. What you can't believe is that they're doing these things so casually. It's gross-out comedy but with subtitles which makes it perfectly ok for a movie snob like me to enjoy. I don't want to go into details too much because like the best comedies, this works because of its surprises. I'd hate to ruin that. Be warned though--you'll probably be offended. There's a quick Chaplin reference in this, a poster of The Kid. This movie has a kid, too. Of course, I don't believe Chaplin ever ejaculated on anybody in any of his movies. Maybe in The Gold Rush?

Run Ronnie Run

2002 comedy

Rating: 10/20 (Mark: 10/20)

Plot: The titular redneck frequently makes appearances on a Cops-like reality show, so a struggling producer decides to give him his own show where he gets arrested in different cities every week. It's a smash hit, and Ronnie has to adapt to a new celebrity lifestyle.

I laughed at this a few times, but I never felt comfortable doing it. It really felt like a blow to my dreams of being an elitist hipster. Elitist hipsters, by the way, will refuse to admit that this is just a slightly-more-intelligent Joe Dirt with performers slightly cooler than David Spade. David Spade would have trouble stuffing this much star power in his comedy. Seriously, look at this list of famous folk:

Jeff Goldblum. A bunch of others.

It's just missing Andy Dick, and I could have sworn I saw him, too. Couldn't find him in the credits though. Mark and I watched this after watching the lighthearted Mishima and had time for another piece of classic cinema. I demanded something "stupid" and ended up with this. It's definitely stupid.

The Spongebob Squarepants Movie

2004 cartoon

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Somebody's stolen King Neptune's crown, and it's up to Spongebob Squarepants and Patrick to save the day.

This movie doesn't try to do anything that the television show doesn't do which is probably why you'd call it successful. The animation retains the simple old-school style with little-to-no setting details but with a manic creativity that makes up for it. I don't like the Spongebob characters as much as most people it seems, and just like the little fifteen minute stories that you get on the tube, I lost interest pretty quickly into this one and didn't perk up again until David Hasselhoff's nipples made a cameo appearance. Spongebob just doesn't do much for me which begs the question once again: What am I missing here? Why do so many people around my age dig this show? Is pot required?

By the way, during the squid-guy-taking-a-shower scene (hot, by the way), I'm pretty sure there was a Frogs' song hummed. That's awesome! And there's a Ween song at the end, so it's got that going for it. And I had to give this a five point Jeffrey Tambor bonus. And Alec Baldwin's in it.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: The A-Team

2010 ass-kicker

Rating: 13/20

Plot: The titular team is sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. They promptly escape from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem--if no one else can help-and if you can find them--maybe you can hire The A-Team.

Got five words for you that might, if you're the type this might appeal to, sell The A-Team: they fly a fuckin' tank. Sure, sometimes you read something like that and find out later that it's not nearly as awesome as it sounds. Not this time though! The action sequences in this use up more bullets than several other action movies combined and have this ludicrous energy that makes this a lot of fun. It's like the makers of this finished writing the scene where Murdock is flying a helicopter upside down and said to themselves, "Why stop at ridiculous when we can go for batshit insane, fellows? Let's juice it up!" And this is juicy, folks! Maybe it's not the greatest of movies or even the greatest of action movies, but it's a ton of fun, sneaky smart, and worlds better than the last vile television-show-from-my-childhood-turned-movie. Great start with a cool introduction of Liam Neeson's Hannibal and T's doppelganger engaging in some fisticuffs filmed with not so much a shaky camera but a blurry one. Then, you get some The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly-style name introductions. Pretty cool. There's Bradley Cooper again. That guy's got this special gift where he has this natural chemistry with anybody else on the screen with him. All four have it though. I don't remember the television show well enough to know if it did this, but I really liked how the action scenes were broken up by shots of Hannibal and the other three explaining the plan. This is alternately funny and action-packed, and even though things get a little too goofy at the end, the plot was pretty solid. I may have watched this twice at the motel, and I'll definitely look forward to seeing the sequel on the urine couch.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: The Dukes of Hazzard

2005 idiocy

Rating: 3/20

Plot: See a synopsis for pretty much any of the television episodes of The Dukes of Hazzard but stretched into twice the length. Boss Hogg wants Jesse Duke's farm, Daisy Duke's got long legs and a vapid expression, and Bo and Luke drive their car around really fast. Honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk-honk. (Now go back and read that again to "Wish I Was in Dixie."

The good ol' boys, according to Waylon Jennings, were never meanin' no harm, but I'm not completely convinced the makers of this film version of the television show weren't. Or were. Too many double negatives and too much time for me to spend in Hazzard County to figure out what I even typed there.

Here's the biggest issue that I have with this movie: Johnny Knoxville--a guy I like when he's lighting his balls on fire or shoving toy army soldiers into his anus; also, a guy with a charisma and natural charm and good looks that could have made him a star if he would have made better decisions--and Seann William Scott--a guy with not only too many first names but too many N's in one of them--recreate the Duke boys as really unlikable characters. The television cousins were rude but always retained some likability. You rooted for them even though they were breaking some rules because they were firmly on the good side. These Duke boys are impossible to root for. They're jerks. And really stupid. You'd expect a character played by Jessica Simpson to be stupid, but I don't remember the Duke boys being so dumb. Or maybe Bo was. I don't remember. Actually, there's not a single performance on this that I enjoyed. Jessica Simpson looks good enough. Just ask Gene Siskel's ghost's erection! Willie Nelson looks confused, almost like he's wondering how his career hit such dismal depths. Watching him on the little motel television set me made really sad. Burt Reynolds? He's obviously just showing up for the paycheck and isn't half the actor that the porcine Sorrell Booke. I mean that literally and figuratively. M.C. Gaines doesn't even attempt that "Goo-goo-goo" giggle that the great James Best's Rosco P. Coltrane had. They even found themselves a Waylon Jennings imitator. There's just no spark to these characters. They go through the motions, sort of look like the original characters, and get in the same car crashes. But they very obviously are not the same characters and this Hazzard County is not the same world that the television show created.

Or more than likely it is but desperately needed to be half the length that it was with a few commercial breaks. I need some breaks from all the car crashes. As it is, it's one of the most mind-numbing pieces of crap I've ever seen, and I really feel more dumber for spending time with it. My vote for most ridiculous moments: Anytime Bo Duke talks to his car. I half-expected there to be a Bo Duke/General Lee sex scene at some point. I would have given it a five point boost.

Sidebar: I was talking about this movie and t.v. show with a black friend of mine. My token black friend so that I can make a few racist remarks every now and then and defend myself by saying, "It's ok because I have a black friend." It's the same reason that I'm friends with a gay guy, a little person, and a Republican actually. And a mentally-challenged guy. They're my entourage. Anyway, this guy's about my age and talked about loving this show as a kid without having any idea that a racial undercurrent was there. I always wondered growing up whether this show had any black fans. My black friend (See? That almost makes me a better person just for typing that!) said he remembers a recurring black character on the original series, a guy who was always in the big city they would sometimes go to. He didn't have any lines though. I think there should have been an episode where Bo and Luke interact with some black guys. The scene would freeze as they stand face-to-face and Waylon Jennings would say, "Black guys? The Duke boys sure are in trouble now!" and then that banjo riff would play. It'd be the ultimate cliffhanger because black people are really really dangerous. And I can say that because I have a black friend.

I'd be surprised to find out that this movie had any fans, by the way.

The Last Airbender

2010 soul-sapping experience

Rating: 5/20 (Abbey: 13/20)

Plot: A little kid with a blue glowing arrow tattoo on his bald head is the chosen one or something and as the titular last airbender, has to journey to far-away lands to learn how to bend water and fire and dirt. Fire-bending people are trying to get in his way.

Abbey's a fan of the television cartoon series that this is based on. I kept having to ask her questions about what the hell was going on in this piece of supernatural crap, but honestly, I didn't really care all that much and was just trying to stay awake. This was probably the most bored that I'll be with a movie all year. The characters were flat, and they might as well have been played by statues. That's about how much personality they all had. And I just didn't get this bending thing. The characters made these little kung-fu moves, and through the magic of special effects, crap moved around. I got that, but the fight scenes didn't make any sense to me. I kept trying to apply logic, paper-rock-scissors type rules, to the whole thing, but what element beats what? It seems like water would beat fire. What beats air? At least closing my eyes and trying to figure that all out kept me from having to see this movie. It looked synthetic, synthetic and ugly. And like Drive Angry, the criminals responsible for this have tried their best to take advantage of that fad with swooshing water and flying fire. No type of glasses will help this look any better though. The biggest issues here are with the storytelling though. This fantasy-adventure tale is told by a person who has no idea how to pace a movie or write dialogue. And who might that person be? M. Night Shmaltzydong, of course! And he tells this story so humorlessly. I've seen bits and pieces of the cartoon, and there's some humor in that. This thing is sickeningly stiff, as if somebody wanted this epic tale of bending crap to be super-serious and decided to suck out anything that could potentially cause the audience to have fun. And the best news? There are at least two more installments required to finish this story. I won't watch those with 3-D glasses either. In fact, I'd rather have somebody poke my eyes out than watch any more of this shit.

Jackass 3

2010 high art

Rating: 13/20

Plot: More comic mischief from the Jackasses. This time, they utilize 3-D technology so that it looks like the fecal matter is coming right into your living room! Huzzah!

Well, I felt like showering after watching this one, so that's something. I didn't watch this in 3-D, of course, but I can see where that would have been kind of fun. The colorful and gimmicky opening scene has the boys being pelted with paintball pellets, kicked in the face, and abused with little booby traps that might have been borrowed from Wily E. Coyote's attic. And they're wearing funny costumes. And some times it all happens in this slow motion. Now I don't possess a high-def television, but the images in this were impressively crisp anyway, fantastic news if you want to see every detail of a fat guy wearing some transparent plastic suit designed to make him ooze sweat. Or vomit. Or poop. Or urine. Or hair glued to somebody's palms right after it's been yanked from some other guy's chest. You get the idea. This is definitely not the movie I'd pick to watch with my grandmother if, following some miracle, she was resurrected and really wanted to watch a movie with me. Unless she picked it, of course. I'm not going to deny the dead the right to select a movie for movie night. There's something nice about seeing the jackasses willing to do all this gross or dangerous or gross and dangerous stuff despite their advancing ages. You get the sense that some are doing these things reluctantly though. And the stunts in Jackass 3(D) aren't as consistently hilarious as the ones in part two, the Empire Strikes Back of Jackass movies. I think they peaked (Wait a second. There's no way peaked is the right word here.) with number two. But I had more than a few chuckles, and as with the other stuff, I'm glad I watched it. I laughed most heartily at a scene involving a score or more of little people, one of their set-up/written gags. I'm a grade school kid in a thirty-seven year old's body though, so I, of course, enjoyed the slapstick as well. After all, if you can't appreciate video footage of a guy getting hit in the balls, you're just not a real American. There are people who could argue that the world would be a better place without these movies. I'm not sure I could successfully argue with those people actually, but I'm happy the movies do exist. Long live the Jackasses!

A Town Called Panic

2009 animated chaos

Rating: 16/20 (Jen: 15/20; Dylan: 12/20; Emma: 16/20; Abbey: 10/20)

Plot: Cowboy and Indian have forgotten to get Horse a birthday present and decide to build him a barbecue. A computer (user) error causes them to order fifty million bricks instead of fifty. This sets off a chain of cause-and-effects that involve what I think are sea monkeys, a stolen tractor, a falsely arrested farmer, missed music classes, a giant robot penguin, and a trip to the center of the earth.

Quick whining: Why couldn't this have been dubbed? I'm not stupid. I don't need all foreign movies that I watch to be dubbed. I don't mind reading. But there was so much happening on the screen, and I wanted to pay attention to it all.

If you love Gumby even half as much as I do, you need to check this out immediately. The humor's quirky, the stop-motion is clever but rudimentary, and the plot makes virtually no sense. This is a kiddie flick for the kiddies with ADHD, and these characters go all over the place during these misadventures. Gotta love the imaginative spirit of the writer/directors (Stephanie Aubier and Vincent Patar), a couple filmmakers who either have a good grasp on how the average child's mind works or are wacky on the junk. Don't watch this if you're looking for something with depth or heart. This ain't Pixar. This is simply a breezy bit of insanity with some fun characters and lots of very humorous episodes. I imagine it's the sort of thing that could irritate or even infuriate about the same amount of people that it could amuse. There are a few episodes of the television show on Youtube if you're interested. In fact, at about 80 minutes, this would probably be a test for the average adult's endurance like a lot of shorts blown up into features. But seriously--Gumby fans would love this.

Batman: The Movie

1966 superhero movie

Rating: 14/20 (Jen: 16/20)

Plot: Batman and Robin must save the world from four brilliant villains--the Joker, the Penguin, the Riddler, and Catwoman. That's right. Not just one villain. Not even just two or three. Four villains! And not just Gotham City. Not just America. The entire world!

Best Batman movie ever made or, as anonymous says, "the energizer bunny of bad movies"? Is Adam West's performance the greatest performance in any Batman movie? And is the shark attack scene the most thrilling action sequence in Batman movie history? Discuss.

Ali G Indahouse

2002 comedy

Rating: 9/20

Plot: All really dumb gangsta Ali G wants is to save the rec center, but he gets caught in the Chancellor's ploy to embarrass and oust the Prime Minister. Britain ends up loving his Keepin'-It-Real attitude, and the Prime Minister ends up even more popular.

I didn't know this movie even existed or I would have not enjoyed it a long time ago. On the one hand, there are actually a lot of funny bits and Cohen's really good with physical comedy. On the other hand, there are more than a lot of fart jokes and penis jokes (there might even be a joke about a farting penis in there somewhere) and Cohen's really bad with knowing when enough's enough. I would have loved to see the Ali G character in a Borat-esque faux documentary because the stuff with the character on the HBO show is hilarious. Also, even though there is a bit of satire in this, it seems a lot dumber than the Borat movie, an excuse to make those aforementioned penis fart jokes and nothing more. This is more miss than hit, the silly narrative is flimsy, and the sketch comedy too sketchy.

Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy

1996 dopiness

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Scientist Dr. Chris Cooper is working on a pill that cures depression. When the pharmaceutical company bosses start making budget cuts left and right, Cooper feels forced to release his drug even though he and his team are really still in the experimentation stages. The drug works by causing the depressed to focus on their happiest memory and the pharmaceutical company makes a zillion dollars even, to the delight of the company's president, outselling penicillin. Unfortunately, things might be too good to be true.

The Kids' first and only movie has its moments, and it is fun to watch the five of them playing about thirty different roles. The story's strong enough and the satire clicks, both which separate this from a movie inspired by a Saturday Night Live sketch, but the writing is a little too ADHD. Tangents, tangents, tangents. Focus was needed to stretch the idea into a coherent hour and a half. Of course, some of the most random bits are also the funniest bits, so what do I know? Some of the comedy falls flat, and there are a lot of minor characters I really would have liked to see more. I bet they really dig this in Canada!

EDIT: Recommended by my sister-in-law, not my brother as earlier reported. She told me today that I need to see it multiple times.

Gumby: The Movie

1995 animated movie

Rating: 11/20 (Dylan: 14/20; Emma: 17/20; Abbey: 20/20)

Plot: Gumby and his friends Pokey, Prickle, and Goo discover that several families are about to lose their farms after entering a book to meet up with Fatbuckle, Thinbuckle, and Nobuckle to rehearse in the Clayboys. They decide to hold a benefit concert to raise money to help the farmers. Meanwhile, the Blockheads discover that Gumby's dog Lowbelly weeps pearls whenever Gumby's band plays. They form a complicated plan involving dognapping and claynapping and robots in order to get the pearls for themselves. None of this makes much sense to anybody not familiar with how Gumby's world works.

I love Gumby. In fifteen minute installments. Stretching this into a feature-length film just doesn't work all that well. Wackiness abounds, and I imagine this is worth watching for fans of the 50's television series. It is, at least, fairly loyal to the original series although a lot cleaner. Turning this into some computer-animated thing would be devastating, and I imagine I would be forced to end my life immediately.

24: Redemption

2008 television movie

Rating: I don't know. Dylan said 12/20. That seems pretty good. 12/20

Plot: Jack Bauer, in Africa hiding from the feds, needs cash. He decides product placement will do the trick and makes a deal with Nextel. Meanwhile, there are children who need saved.

I wasn't going to count this toward the goal of 365, but as Jack Bauer would say--I'm running out of time! It was fine as a transition between seasons of a television show, but it doesn't work as a stand-alone movie like Fox would want you to believe. It did seem to have less of the flaws of the regular show, and it was good to have the protagonist focused on one thing instead of worrying about his love life. Nothing new, but nothing awful either.

Speed Racer

2008 bomb

Rating: 9/20 (Emma gave it a 0 and Abbey gave it a 1 although neither made it through the entire movie. Dylan's old school and couldn't rate a movie he wasn't able to finish.)

Plot: Speed Racer (apparently his real name) comes from a racing family. His dad John Goodman Racer is a brilliant mechanic/inventor. His brother Rex Racer is a brilliant driver. His mother Mrs. Racer makes one hell of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Speed's dreamt of racing from a very young age, but the death of his brother and pressure from big racing corporations nearly ruins it all for him. In order to bring down one corrupt racing organization, he must compete in a dangerous psychedelic multi-continental race and a psychedelic Grand Prix against enemies Snake Guy and Old Gray-Haired Guy.

There were plans to see this in a theater with my brother, but they fell through because my brother, while ice fishing, fell through. It wouldn't have been the worst movie we ever saw in a theater since we also saw Creepshow II, Ernest Goes to Camp, The Disorderlies (featuring rappers The Fat Boys), Overboard, Ernest Goes to Jail, Toys, and Ernest Meets the Fat Boys on the big screen just the way they were meant to be seen. However, It's probably a good thing we didn't make it because we more than likely would have been surrounded by furiously masturbating Japanese men. I can't imagine a movie like this would have any audience other than furiously masturbating Japanese men. I like the colors a lot, and the action scenes, as expected from the Wafflaski Brothers, were things that I hadn't seen before. There was a scene where everybody was kung-fu fighting, and those cats were fast as lightning. The car racing scenes were also sort of like kung-fu fights in a way. And there was a humorous monkey, in my opinion the best kind of monkey you can have in a movie. But like the Wankerowskis' other movies, there's a lot of mumbo and even more jumbo, and it makes the other stuff a lot less fun and a lot more difficult to sit through. This is, however, twice as good as the third movie in the Wabooskies' Matrix trilogy. I also liked the colors. Oh, I already said that. Seems that the seizures Speed Racer induced have affected my brains.