Deathsport

1978 futuristic action masterpiece

Rating: 4/20 (Mark: 4/20)

Plot: Some evil people kidnap a couple "guides" and prep them for. . .wait for it. . .the titular Deatsport! That's an arena-style competition involving glass swords, motorcycles, and inexplicable explosions.

Corman needed another "death" movie and this is what happened. David Carradine is the Carradine in this one, and I'm willing to bet it's the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to him. Not that he would remember a thing since he was apparently stoned throughout the filming. This movie isn't good for the right reasons, but it does have just the right ineptitude to provide a few laughs. The action scenes are repetitive, and my brother and I speculated that this might have the record for most things exploding in one movie. Most of those are random explosions, by the way, as these motorcycle death machines (destructocycles, natch) seem to blow up at the slightest touch. A climactic sword fight scene is also repetitive and dull with choreography that doesn't even show the swords, presumably because they are made out of glass and would shatter if they actually connected. Richard Lynch is a lame bad guy with an even lamer script, and he's got something wrong with his neck that perhaps distracted me from discovering the smaller bits of genius hidden within Deathsport. You also get some bug-eyed cannibals that look like they waltzed straight out of Killers from Space. My favorite scene, by far, was one with a naked Claudia Jennings in a disco torture chamber. I could just imagine this conversation taking place between the directors:

Director 1: Hey, I was watching what we shot yesterday.
Director 2: Yeah? What did you think?
Director 1: I hate to tell you this, but Deathsport is really going to suck.
Director 2: Oh, man. That's a shame because we've already shot fourteen hours of motorcycles with silver cardboard boxes taped to them driving around the desert. And this is really going to hurt David Carradine because he's really putting his soul into this performance.
Director 1: What are we going to do now?
Director 2: Well, I do have some Christmas lights.
Director 1: You do? Fantastic! Let's go see if Claudia Jennings will take off her clothes!
Director 2: Bingo! You took the words right from my mouth, Director 1!

To continue the thread of decapitation, this movie does have a rather exciting one. And the lovely Claudia Jennings, it seems, was also decapitated in an automobile accident. Apparently, it ended her acting career.

Also recommended for fans of The Help.

From Dusk till Dawn

1996 George Clooney movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A pair of brothers kidnap a faithless preacher and his two children, drive to Mexico, and meet up with some vampires and Fred Williamson.

A tale of two movies, the first a very written tale of criminal activity and possible neurosis and the second a balls-to-the-grindstone (is that a phrase?) vibrant and chaotic and squelchy erupted bloodbath with decapitations and stake piercings. And Salma Hayek, a woman who makes Juliette Lewis look like a little boy. The brothers are interesting even if they're a bit cardboardish, and even though you've already seen this movie, it's still got a way to keep you guessing. There's a solid ten minutes in this, right after Salma's little dance, that is about as exhiliratingly bitchin' as cheapo gross-out mayhem can get. But my favorite part is how John Hawkes' Pete pronounces "microwave" or maybe his magazine selection. That and the words "Hey, Monkeyman."

Recommended for people who really liked The Help.

Bad Teacher

2011 comedy

Rating: 6/20

Plot: The titular teacher wants new tits, and after her rich fiance dumps her, she's having trouble figuring out a way to afford them on her salary. See, they just don't pay teachers what they deserve. She crushes (that's how the kids use this verb) on a new substitute teacher (although he shouldn't be rich--plot hole) while ignoring the advances of the gym teacher who is crushing on her. When it's announced that the teacher whose students do best on the standardized test will win a financial prize, she begins taking her job more seriously.

I really wondered if this would be a biopic about me, but it's not. I'm not a slut. And look at that--this wholesome family-friendly conservative blog is now likely to feel the wrath of liberals who don't like it when people call women sluts. My blog will be boycotted, and I'll be the second most hated blowhard after Rush Limbaugh. For that reason, I'm taking another point away from this movie. It's a movies-that-ruin-my-reputation-point-deduction rule. This movie wasn't funny at all even though everybody involved (with the possible exception of Jason Segal) is trying really really hard to make it work. Timberlake is intentionally miscast, and Phyllis from The Office makes a fool of herself. Things are more awkward and silly than humorous. Other than a car wash scene that was almost as magical as the one in Cool Hand Luke but that really made me wonder if I was watching a Carl's Jr. commercial, there's not much to see here. No, it's not as offensive to my profession (until somebody hires me to do something else, that is--if you're reading, just ask for my resume!) as Waiting for Superman, but it is offensive enough. And you just keep waiting for the character to change or learn a lesson because that's what happens in all stupid movies like this, but that doesn't happen either. And that might be just as bothersome.

Shane trivia: Even though this isn't a biopic based on my life and career, I did catch a few lines that I have uttered before.

"Adios, bitches!"
"Hey, zip your shit!"
"OK, we all know these tests are gay."

I've used all of those at one point. Again, if you're interested in hiring me, let me know in the comments below. I'm willing to do anything as long as it doesn't involve a lot of hard work.

The Brother from Another Planet

1984 urban sci-fi production

Rating: 13/20

Plot: The titular brother, a mute alien, crash lands in Harlem. He tries to adapt despite his inability to speak. Two mysterious men who I think might come from those Matrix movies in black pursue him.

This is far from the 1980s blaxploitation picture that I was expecting. Netflix kept telling me that I would like this one, so I finally said, "Fine, Netflix! I'm starting the damned thing! Are you happy now?" It's a science fiction B-movie with a dopey title, but it's not nearly as goofy as you would expect it to be. There's nothing over the top with the possible exception of the protagonist's toes, and all of the humor is very low key. My favorite scene is a short one where those aforementioned men in black walk into a bar while searching for the brother. I don't know what effect is used, but the film just seems off, like it's filmed backward or something. The men in black move with this lurching motion that is really cool. There are other cool small moments in this, but it really fits more into the "interesting failure" category than anything else. There's some social commentary (character names: The Brother, West Indian Woman, Hispanic Man, Haitian Man, Islamic Man, Korean Shopkeeper) and a lot of no-budget effects. The story's not always interesting, but I did like watching Joe Morton as the title character. He does a great job considering he's not given a single line. In all, I'm glad that Netflix recommended this even though the parts don't quite add up to enough of a whole. If nothing else, it was cool seeing all those early video game machines.

Thieves Like Us

1974 crime movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Bowie, Chicamaw, and T-Dub escape from prison and team up to become a bank-robbing team. While hiding out in a gas station, young Bowie falls for the owner's daughter who may or may not be Popeye's girlfriend. I'll have to check the timeline to verify that one. The life of crime puts a strain on their relationship.

In the last week, I've seen both Keith and David Carradine without shirts, both at the height of their pectoral powers. With a little research, I can probably see Robert Carradine's nipples, too, and complete what might be the first ever Carradine Nipple Trifecta. It'll be a first for this blog anyway.

Also, I got the opportunity to see Shelley Duvall naked. If I remember correctly (this could just be a delusion or fantasy on my part), she's also naked in Altman's 3 Women. I told my brother, a guy who I remember describing Shelley Duvall as "hot," and he emailed, "What was it like?" It's actually exactly like you'd imagine it to be.

This is one of those less-busy Altman movies with a focus on a lot less characters. Really, it's a focus on two naive souls and this impossible little romance that develops in the middle of this bank-robbing crime spree. It's a quiet, reflective movie, and the cinematography perfectly captures this long-gone Great Depression-era Americana. It's gorgeous and it's dusty, and it's got one of the things I really like about Altman--that ability to show this quiet little moment and make it feel like it's an important memory that came right from your own head. Also contributing to the period flavor is a lack of movie soundtrack. With this, you get all crackly diegetic music, mostly from radio seriels. Add some creaky rocking chairs and footsteps on a wooden floor and you've got a setting that is as quiet as the 1930s in the middle of all that dust. Even the robbery scenes, all but one at least, are quiet. Most of them are shot in a way so that the action can't even be seen. I think it's Altman trying to be funny. Altman's wry humor is all over this otherwise serious crime story actually. It's seen in the ineptitude of the titular thieves, especially during a "drawing straws" scene that I thought was hilarious but didn't laugh at. I was also amused at a robbing practice scene with a kid in blackface playing a porter. Carradine is good as this naive kid in way over his head, and the other two-thirds of the robbing trio--John Schuck and Burt Remsen--are perfectly cast. And I really do like Shelley Duvall who I always think is underrated as an actress.

Dodgeball--A True Underdog Story

2004 idiot comedy

Rating: 7/20 (Dylan: 13/20)

Plot: Norman Bates is about to lose his gym, much to the amusement of the cocky guy who owns the much larger gym next door. In order to save the family business, Norman and the gym's geeky clientele enter a dodgeball tournament with a fifty thousand dollar first prize.

This movie isn't as funny as Titanic. Actually, that might not tell you enough since certain moments of Titanic really are funny, especially when people start falling off the boat or that whole part at the end where the naked girl tells blue Gilbert Grape that she will never let go and then lets go something like ten seconds later. Sorry, spoiler alert if you haven't seen that one. No, it's probably more telling to type that this movie--a true underdog story, by the way--isn't even as funny as A Night to Remember. I don't like the way that Vince Vaughn walks. Is it just me or do other people feel the same way? This movie has extraneous Lance Armstrong. Seriously, it's like the lamest cameo appearance of all time.

I'm going to Hollywood to pitch the following idea: Take A Night to Remember, a finished movie from what I understand, digitally remove the iceberg, and digitally include Rip Torn throwing wrenches at the ship. That would be hilarious!

And that brings me to this week's blog question since the "Dinner Party with Movie Characters" was such a successful endeavor: What historical moment, one depicted on film or not, do you think would benefit most from having a Rip Torn throwing wrenches?

Cube

1997 movie about people doing math

Rating: 12/20 (Dylan: 13/20)

Plot: Seven strangers wake up in the titular cube. Well, really it's a whole bunch of cubes inside of one big cube. At least that's what they think. It's not like they can see the outside. Some cubes are booby trapped, so they have to be careful as they maneuver about to locate an exit. At least the cubes have pretty colors.

"Is that your two cents worth, Worth?"

"For what it's worth."

"But it is pointless!"

"That's my point."

See, this almost turns into an Abbott and Costello routine a few times. I think it's intentional. Dylan and I have been quoting that second bit of dialogue all week. This is a less-traditional entry in our prison escape movie festival, and it really was a little pointless. Of course, that might actually be the point, a sort of nihilistic or existential nightmare. It's not a bad premise, and I have to give credit to director Natelli for making something that looks so cool on what was likely a minuscule budget. Unfortunately, the writing isn't very good at all, and the acting might be worse. The woman who played the doctor (Nicky Guadagni) is the worst of the bunch, but the others really aren't far behind. Granted, I can't imagine shooting something like this would be much fun, and they did have a lousy script to work with. After a couple scenes of shocking violence, this loses its momentum and turns into a story about people doing math while really bad music plays. Seriously, this has a soundtrack so bad that the music actually made me tired. My initial prediction, by the way, was way wrong. They surprised me by using a different cliche than the one I thought they were aiming for. Neither would have made for a satisfying ending though. All in all, Cubeis a failure, but it's at least a pretty interesting one. And, in case I didn't mention it before, it's got math in it!

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

2004 love story

Rating: 18/20 (Jen: 17/20)

Plot: Joel plays hooky from work and takes the train to Montauk for reasons that he doesn't completely understand. He meets a blue-haired gal, and they hit it off. Soon, however, they discover that they not only were an item previously but that they both underwent an experimental procedure to wipe their memories clean of the other person. It's very touching.

Jim Carrey's such a good actor when he wants to be. He's got an everyman face that makes you want to root for him. I'd accuse myself of having a crush on him if I didn't already have a crush on Kate Winslet and/or Kirsten Dunst's underpants. This is such a fascinating fractured rom-com, one that is always more touching than it is funny. Intricately written and visually clever, this thing slides down the gullet so smoothly that it almost seems like it's half as long as it actually is. And somehow, even when the goings get sad, things still manage to be joyful. The storytelling feels fresh, and the premise, although there's so much sci-fi fantasy that you're forced to suspend disbelief more than a lot of romantic comedy fans might be willing to do, is creative. Other movies just aren't like this one. Sunshine entertains while making a pseudo-profound statement on love and loss and relationships. It's really a beautiful little movie.

You have to have a good eye, but this movie does contain a Tom Waits reference. And Jon Brion's got soundtrack duties for this one.

How to Kill Your Neighbor's Dog

2000 comedy

Rating: 13/20

Plot: An impotent and misanthropic playwright hasn't had a stage hit in a decade. And that's not his only problem. His wife is pressuring him to knock her up, the neighbors have an obnoxious dog, and his new eight-year-old neighbor won't leave him alone. Oh, and he has a stalker. It's enough to make a guy as moody as Hamlet.

I had my doubts about the comedic stylings of Kenneth Branagh, but he's got a nice character to play with here. And really, all he needs to do to pull off surly and misanthropic is have an accent. The character is the type of character that I usually like, but the movie meandered a little too much, and there were a couple-few scenes where Peter went from likably mean to just plain mean. The little girl (Suzi Hofrichter) was fine, but her character was a little too much like an eight-year-old girl to actually be likable. Far from the documentary on how to kill dogs that I thought this would be, it was an almost-funny way to pass some time but nothing I'm going to remember seeing in a week.

Oprah Movie Club: Once Upon a Time in the West

1968 Western

Rating: 19/20

Plot: Some guy who might have a name travels the Wild West in search of some talented musicians to complete a band he wants to start--The Belt and Suspenders Blues Band. At the beginning of our story, he's got himself on lead harmonica, and all he needs to complete the band are a back-up harmonica, a gitfiddle, a drummer, a stand-up bass, a washboard, a bottle blower, a harpist, a bassoonist, a tromboner, another tromboner, an accordionist, a piano player, a lead singer, four mildly-attractive women for back-up singers, a beat-box, and another back-up harmonica player. Meanwhile, a guy who's usually a good guy but in this movie is a bad guy has been sent by a guy with his own train to scare a nerd with "the worst hair west of the Mississippi" and either does a really poor job or a really good job. Then, his wife--Boobsy McWhoresalot--shows up and starts distracting everybody. She realizes that her honeymoon is likely ruined and makes some coffee. A bunch of ugly guys are shot, and it all builds up to a thrilling climax when a dying man pats Boobsy on her sweet sweet behind.

"How can you trust a man who wears both a belt and suspenders?"

See, I didn't remember this movie had a character who wore both a belt and suspenders. There was a line in Billy Wilder's Ace in the Hole about belts and suspenders and a line in a novel that will remain unfinished because I'm too much of a dumbass to write a stinking chapter of it with a character who wears both. I might need a "belt and suspenders" blog label. Can you imagine Nicolas Cage playing a character who wore both a belt and suspenders? Pants would literally be shat!

Did everybody but me know that Dario Argento co-wrote this?

There's more goodness in the first fifteen minutes of this thing than most directors can dream of putting together in their entire careers. Bird taunting, whistling metal, a stutterer, veins on a dark hand, a ticket flying right into my living room. Under the direction of Leone, I'm pretty sure I could have watched these characters sit around and do absolutely nothing for two hours and forty minutes or so, all scenery and glorious sound effects. I'm not sure who's decision it was--Morricone's or Leone's--to not have music over the opening scene at the train station. If it was the composer's decision, this might be his best work. And that's saying a ton. This movie doesn't need to go anywhere. You've got a screen packed with details, and you just want to absorb it all. There are chunks of this movie where it's barely a moving picture. The pace is leisurely, and that allows us to just savor it. It's more a summertime movie pace, but it's the kind of pace I love, especially when there's so much to look at. Of course, contrast the overall pace to the blink-and-you-miss-it climactic gun fight.

I also love the character's dynamics and the often confusing relationships. They operate with these unwritten rules, this code that shows that Leone's version of the Wild West has this underlying structure. In fact, you almost wonder what samurai movie Leone lifted the story and its characters from. The characters, by the way, are just so complete. You don't need their back stories. All it takes a few moments on the screen and a few lines of dialogue and you just get them. Bronson ain't Eastwood, but everything he says is so cool. Fonda makes a great bad guy (love his sinner's smile), and Claudia Cardinale is so cute that I'll likely dream about patting her behind myself. Robards' Cheyenne is a complex and tragic figure. And they all get their own music! The periphery characters fill in the gaps. As Scott commented (premature commentation, by the way, but I'll allow it), Elam's "wandering eye" is a nice little detail, but really all of these characters' faces twitch or contort in ways that mine can't. I should know because I spent some time in front of the mirror trying to look tough after watching this movie. Leone's really put together a Who's-Who of Grizzled Guys. He sure loves his close-ups.

My favorite moment: Fonda searching Morton's train while the camera pans over a ground littered with dead bodies. When Fonda exits, it's almost enough to convince you that Leone was the greatest director ever. As I type this, I can think of about fifteen other favorite moments or shots in this.

This is a big movie, successful as a Western revenge epic or as an ode (or maybe an elegy) to the American West. Poetic and shockingly beautiful.

I should add that the way Charles Bronson holds that harmonica is perfect.

Taxi Driver

1976 movie

Rating: 20/20

Plot: Travis Bickle gets a new job driving a taxi, makes a few buddies, starts a hobby collecting guns, gets involved with politics, gets a pretty girlfriend, and decides to experiment with his hair.

I may have given bonus points for this for being indirectly responsible for nearly getting Ronald Reagan assassinated. Just think about how powerful that is for a moment. Yeah, I know that The Cat in the Hat could probably drive a person to kill, too, but that's different.

Some questions for my readers who have seen this:

1) Is Travis Bickle a hero?
2) Isn't Travis Bickle dead at the end of this movie? Is that meant to be ambiguous or am I missing something? If he's not dead, is it a happy ending?
3) Is this a war movie?

Here's the most disturbing thing, for me at least: Travis Bickle is relatable. Think about that, too. He's a lonely figure in one of the most crowded cities in the world. He's trapped in this insomniac pessimist fever dream. He can't understand why his date isn't happy about being taken to a pornographic movie theater. It's almost like this story was ripped right out of every man's diary.

I love how that Bernard Herrman sax-heavy score and the filthy backdrop of New York City's prettiest bits almost sexualize the parts of a taxi cab at one point in this movie. I was aroused, and I don't even really find cars all that attractive. I think it might be the color yellow. Then again, Cybill Shepherd's hair didn't do much for me at all. Oddly, Albert Brooks' hair did.

Another question: Did Jodie Foster have good parents?

Harvey Keitel and Peter Boyle's characters should have gotten spin-offs or prequels.

Love Gene Palma as "Street Drummer" enough here to check out every other film he's ever been in. That's only two movies, one a documentary about pornography and one a John Ritter movie. He should have also gotten a spin-off.

I love the linearity of Bickle's story. Every scene is a step in the direction this character is going. And every single scene, arguably, is important.

Here's a question for discussion: If you could invite any six movie characters to have dinner with you, which six would you invite? For me, it would be Travis Bickle, Mary Poppins, and four others. I haven't finished my list yet.

The Seven Faces of Dr. Lao

1964 Tony Randall tour de force!

Rating: 14/20

Plot: It doesn't matter. Tony Randall is a force to be reckoned with.

At the one hour and thirty minute mark, there's a scene where a Loch Ness monster eats a cowboy while these insane bagpipes blare. And not even that can top what Tony Randall is doing throughout the movie. He's a melting pot of dialects, and that's only when he's the titular character. He plays all seven faces here, and every one of them is hot in its own way. Of course, seeing Randall sans shirt rock a Pan flute would make even the most stoic housewife quiver. Randall's goofily off the wall in this and only slightly racist. The story's not entirely coherent, but it's still a lot of fun. I liked the quaint special effects with the snake and that Loch Ness monster, but my favorite scene takes place at Merlin's magic show when there's an extended shot of a kid playing pocket pool. There's another great bit of child acting during Mike's (Kevin Tate) juggling speech. "I can do it! Look, Dr. Lao!" Right there, that's really what acting is all about. This is corny and dated, but it's not a bad addition to the Western fantasy genre. And Tony Randall, if I didn't make this clear earlier, is a force to be reckoned with.

Papillon

1973 prison escape movie

Rating: 17/20 (Dylan: 14/20)

Plot: The true story of Henri Charriere, a thief wrongly arrested for the murder of a pimp. He's sent to an island prison in South America and decides that he doesn't like it very much. He develops a friendship with the wealthy and mousy Louis Dega who helps him plot an escape. His attempts don't work out very well.

"Put all hope out of your mind. And masturbate as little as possible." I have given similar advice.

This second feature in this little prison escape movie festival Dylan and I are enjoying might be a little bit long with an ending that is a little too short. If that makes any sense. You've got a lengthy set-up with some characterization and an introduction to the notorious setting. The prison escape and ensuing outcomes should have been split evenly in thirds for the rest of the movie, but nothing at all should be changed about the first prison escape attempt and the solitary confinement scenes that were the result. And that would have made a movie that you could debate is already too long even longer. Anyway, a minor quibble. There's so much to love in this. You get another cool prison-escape guy with Steve McQueen, and as much as I have trouble understanding what Dustin Hoffman is trying to say through his nose in some of his movies, he's as good as I always expect him to be. Not Mr. Magorium good maybe, but still good. There's a scene where McQueen and Hoffman wrastle a very authentic-looking alligator (or crocodile, whichever they have down there) that is almost as harrowing as the scene in Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium where Hoffman and Natalie Portman are playing with bubble wrap. Speaking of the realism, that's one of the things I really like about this one. There's a brutality here that you just can't help but absorb, especially in that aforementioned solitary confinement sequence. The bugs, the cracks on the walls, McQueen's pasty skin, the beads of sweat, the costume filth, the cold cold cement, and even the darkness feel as real as you can possibly hope something on your television screen could feel. Later, it's the weather, the mud, the lepers. Even a chicken gets injured! This story meanders wonderfully, takes time to really savor the minutia. Contrast that to the brute quickness of a guillotine scene. Startling and effective without any unnecessary trickiness. I also liked a couple surreal dream sequences in this, and the opening scene with a prisoner march through the streets with more extras than I think I've ever seen in a movie was also an impressive cinematic feat. My favorite line: "Blame is for God and small children." Cool, cool movie, one made even cooler knowing that it is probably 100% true, not fabricated a bit.

The Invention of Dr. Nakamats

2009 documentary

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A few days in the life of the titular inventor, a Japanese genius with well over 3,000 patents including, apparently, the floppy disc.

He speaks about himself in the third person, takes pictures of every one of his meals to chronicle his eating, claims that he will live to be 160 years old, egotistically names things after himself, gets only 4 hours of sleep a night, takes credit for inventing glass (OK, that's partially taken out of context), can tell how good a camera is by smelling it, invented radio-controlled roller skates, and created a pencil and notepad that can be used underwater since his best ideas come when he is 5 seconds from death and needs to nearly drown himself in order to invent. Nakamats is eccentric, almost the point where you wonder if he's just dicking around to mess with the documentarians, but he is fairly interesting. There's almost this arrogance or feeling of self-importance that makes him unlikable. At the same time, he's such a funny little man that you wind up liking him. The documentary filmmakers don't get in the way at all here. Nobody attempts to explain or refute or anything else. You get about an hour of Nakamats doing his Nakamats thing, about the time that you can handle.

[Rec]

2007 found footage zombie movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A news reporter and cameraman doing a piece on the lives of firemen get trapped with a bunch of people in a quarantined apartment building. It's zombilarious!

First, there's nothing too intelligent or original about this. I want to get that out of the way right off the bat. Also, I want to throw my main gripe out there--the found footage realism is screwed up with this little what-where-they-thinking? camera trick in the middle of this. But if you're just wanting something scary in that things-jumping-out-and-scaring-you kind of way, this Blair-clone delivers pretty hard. Don't misunderstand. It's not The Blair Witch Project exactly. Here, the filmmakers don't depend solely on mood, ambiance, subtle creeps, and mere suggestions of the evil that is lurking about. No, with [Rec] (dumb title, by the way), you have a lot of the violence and mayhem take place right in front of the lone camera. I was impressed with the set-ups, almost a choreography, and the apartment building's winding stairwell and long hallways gave a lot of opportunities for some creative horror shots. The final scenes take place in a room packed with details. So there's creepiness in this movie, but there are also those Rarr! Creepy thing! scenes that made me pee a little bit. And there are a lot of those. If you're into that sort of thing, I'm sure you'll like this. That this found footage genre hasn't gotten old yet, at least for me, is pretty amazing. I think I like that this genre's got legs.