Cory's Birthday Celebration: Terror of Mechagodzilla

It's July 16th, and that can mean only one thing--it's time to watch a Godzilla movie for Cory's birthday!

Once again, it seems that I've chosen one that isn't considered one of the greats. However, I think I'm out of those. I'm also wondering if I've now seen more Godzilla movies than Cory has. I didn't enjoy this one very much, but as usual, here are my unadulterated thoughts as I watched it:

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Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla confused my son and I when we watched it, making me wonder if I was even smart enough to be watching Godzilla movies. But here we go with the direct sequel, Revenge of Mechagodzilla.

This movie begins with stomping, and I imagine that’s usually a good thing with any kaiju film.

And then what I assume is footage lifted from previous movies--probably not a good sign?

600 ton monster? What else weighs 600 tons? That number’s too big. (My research led me to the information that Christ the Redeemer weighs 700 tons. And that just makes me want to see a fight scene between Godzilla and that giant statue of Christ!)

A flash to some of the goofiest cinematic aliens I’ve seen in a while.

I know this is all flashback stuff so far, but this one really seems to be shooting its wad early.

Yes! That victory dance that I like so much!

Hmm. Don’t remember Mechagodzilla spinning his head around really fast and creating a forcefield, but that’s certainly a cool move.

If nothing else, the montage during the opening credits makes it seem like Godzilla’s victory of Mechagodzilla was nearly impossible.

Right in the jugular! That’s the kind of blood spurt you’d expect to see in a samurai movie!

And at the 10 minute and 39 second mark of a less-than-90-minute movie, we’ve finally got something that isn’t from a previous movie.

I have the closed captioning on, but it’s consistently off. That just said “especially for the head and pick it up carefully understood dick 200 meters.” I don’t think that’s what submarine guy actually said.

Uh oh. It seems as if they’ve woken something up. This is why it's always wise to submarine as quietly as possible if you really have to submarine.

This new thing has a terrifying cry. I think the sound effects wizards probably recorded themselves wounding a dog and then used some garbling effects.

At this point, would any character in a world where Godzilla’s already existed and fought all these other monsters be surprised by the appearance of an underwater dinosaur? It seems as if this would be pretty standard by now.

The way the mad scientist guy and the other guy are toasting their dinosaur success and then drinking wine is disturbing me.

I’ve never been to film school, but I’m pretty sure prospective filmmakers are told that the more a mad scientist laughs, the madder he will seem to the audience.

I just want to pause and remind everybody that this film is part of the Criterion collection.

“We are from the third planet.” Unless I’m missing something, wouldn’t that be Earth?

If you have the technology to rebuild a Mechagodzilla that was smashed into a bunch of pieces, wouldn’t you have the technology to just make a few Mechagodzillas and really give Godzilla some problems?

The editing in this chase montage is making me dizzy, but I did like the random flip the guy did.

What a death scene!

According to the captioning, this INTERPOL guy is named Wacky Anna.

I wish I could hold and look at a piece of metal and determine that it’s “space titanium” within a few seconds.

“Your heart is frozen and dry. Who’d love a cyborg?”

The organ score during that flashback was a little much.

Why is sending an exact duplicate of the submarine that the giant dinosaur easily destroyed a good idea? I’m not sure whatever plan they have is very well thought through.

Of course, I underestimated the supersonic waves. As I often do!

First off, the dubbing with this alien character was incredible. Second, the captioning read “then try to ski birthing or you will force us to kill you wash your asshole.”

At least get out of your chair while whipping your minions, alien dude. That’s just lazy.

Playing havoc? That’s not the right phrase.

If nothing else, this teaches people not to pick on scientists. Apparently, that is a group that does not like to be mocked.

Finally! At around the 50-minute mark, we’re going to have some action. I’m still starting to wonder if Godzilla is even in this movie though.

Cool, there was a device in the alien headquarters that was constructed out of an erector set.

Monsters are finally fighting, but sure, let’s spend some time watching people chase each other in a forest.

There’s always one dubbed voice that sounds a lot like John Wayne in these things. It forces me to imagine John Wayne secretly doing a lot of work like this in between his acting gigs and racism.

Mad scientist guy is feeling up his sleeping daughter. Who does he think he is--Donald Trump?

Hell hath no fury like a Mechagodzilla scorned! I’m not sure I totally understand the science and the connection between cyborg-daughter and the titular metal monster, but as I usually do, I’m just going to roll with it.

Titanosaurus has some style. I like that mohawk anyway.

Damn, Mechagodzilla is really playing havoc here! Then try to ski birthing or you will force us to kill you wash your asshole!

I’m not sure what happened to Godzilla. He was fighting Titanosaur, and then they just kind of stopped showing that so that they could concentrate on people in the forest and other people talking. I must have missed something.

When he does show up, I wonder how this will go. As I recall, he needed to be struck by lightning in the last movie to have enough spunk to tear off Mechagodzilla’s head and win that fight. Now he’s going to defeat it again while it’s teamed up with this mohawked monster?

Wait, where did Godzilla even come from?

The big guy is getting his ass handed to him! And Mechagodzilla isn’t really even helping yet. This does not look good for our hero!

Now Godzilla is boxing.

Maybe Godzilla was rope-a-doping him?

Oh, there was some goofy fight choreography. Titanosaurus bit Godzilla’s face and picked him up a couple of times. That looked really stupid.

Godzilla pops out of the ground after being buried alive, knocks Mehagodzilla down with his ice breath, and then dusts himself off. That was a cool move.

Mechagodzilla’s throwing everything he has at the big guy, and Godzilla was actually on fire for a little bit. I’m going to assume it was an accident.

A “stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself” moment there.

Welp! There goes the head again!

It didn’t actually need his head.

This movie does a good job showing the collaboration between Godzilla and humans, but it really makes Godzilla look pretty weak. Without human intervention, Godzilla’s dead.

Ok, that’s over. Happy birthday, Cory! Next year--Godzilla vs. Christ the Redeemer!