Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron

2002 horse movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A cartoon horse runs around the prairie, is captured by a guy with a mustache, escapes with the help of a Native American, hooks up with a girl horse, and listens to Brian Adams' music obsessively.

Is it just me or does it seem like half the movies I write about on here are cartoons? This is another old-school flat-D animated feature that, like The Iron Giant, more people should have bothered seeing. Actually, I have no idea how this one did in the theaters or with its subsequent dvd release. I do remember it coming out and the commercials boasting that it had "more action than Star Wars: Attack of the Clones" which Dylan and I thought was pretty funny at the time. Spirit: Stallion of the Blah Blah Blah doesn't even have Yoda! This does have a lot of solid action scenes though, enough to make it a horsey movie that boys would probably like. Vibrant music and animation perfecting capturing the American West circa when we was killin' all the Indians make this fun for both the eyes and ears, and I liked seeing the historical fiction narrative through the eyes of a horse. I liked the protagonist, voiced hunkily by Matt Damon back when he was skinny. Honestly though, one more Brian Adams song, and I would have left the house to find a horse to kick as hard as I could. This has a nice lively story with good themes for both the little ones and their parents. Dumb title though. It probably failed at the box office because nobody wanted to ask for tickets to see something called Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron.

Cold Feet

1989 black comedy

Rating: 10/20

Plot: A couple and a hit man steal some jewels in Mexico and do the only logical thing to transport them back to the states--they surgically implant them inside a horse. Buck decides to abandon his partners and takes off for his brother's ranch in Montana. Or some state like Montana. His jilted lover and the hit man try to chase him down.

I really have mixed feelings about this one. On the one hand, it's really a terrible movie, a Raising Arizona neo-madcap rip-off failure with some truly embarrassing performances. But on the other hand, it actually is very funny. It's a bit unhinged, and it all starts with Tom Waits' performance, the only time I'd describe him as awful. But he's hilariously awful, completely over-the-top as if he took some acting lessons from Nicolas Cage prior to the shoot. It's almost as if he decided that he never wanted to act again and intentionally took the piss to ensure that nobody would ever again offer him a role. But it's pretty cool. He does sit-ups while hanging out the window of a moving truck, all while screaming, "I'm a man!" He delivers wonderfully written gems ("Cowboys!", "I'll shoot you like a rabbit," "You hardly think that you've done anything wrong when you made a mouse fart at a guy's head," "I'd like some cowpoke stuff.") like a lunatic, and has scenes where he cries like no human being would ever cry (Bahuhuhuh. Bahuhuhuh.) and laughs until something (an organ?) falls out of him. Definitely reminiscent of Cage. Oh, and there's a great moment when he hits a golf ball, turns around, and flips somebody off. Awesome. The other actors aren't much better. Sally Kirkland's apparently only in this to wear a variety of tight outfits. Not that I'm complaining. Keith Carradine plays every scene like his character has to pee. And Rip Torn sleazes his way into the story late to say things like, "Just a minute. I'm taking a piss." A real pro. Add a catfight eruption that made me wonder if every single scene in this movie is extraneous, one of the most obvious boom mics I've ever seen, and a movie marquee that advertises a film called Chicks with Zip Guns, and you've got yourself a movie that is kind of a blast while not being very good at all. It's one of the few examples of a 10/20 (or, truthfully, probably a little lower) that I would actually see again.

Tom Waits fans (Matt!) should definitely check it out!