Some Like It Hot

1959 wacky romantic comedy

Rating: 17/20 (Jen: 14/20)

Plot: Two musician pals (Joe and Jerry, played by real-life gay lovers Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon) struggle to make ends meet in late 1920's Chicago. After accidentally witnessing the St. Valentine's Day Massacre, they have to figure out a way to escape the mob. They decide to become Josephine and Daphne and join an all-girl band on their way to Florida. They fight for the affection of Sugar Kane Kowalcyzk (played by one of JFK's girlfriends) while trying to keep their true identities and genders hidden.

Lots of clever and very funny moments. It doesn't surprise me that the screenplay is clever and funny--some good running jokes and lots of more subtle moments that you'll miss if you're not paying attention. The action sequences with the gangsters, especially at the beginning, are also well done. The musical numbers sprinkled within the narrative are also fun and, in some cases, arousing. There were multiple times when Jen caught me with my hand down the front of my pants while Monroe was on-screen, but what's a guy supposed to do? Boop-boop-a-doop! She's good in this, just devious enough, just innocent enough, and just tempting enough to create a core for this story when it's about ready to lose control completely. There's an energy boiling under the surface of this one, a fervency, that makes it snap, crackle, and pop and raises it above your typical romantic comedy. My only real complain is that Jack Lemmon is a little too hammy, but his overly wacky performance does contribute to the movie's overall energy. How daring would this movie have seemed in the late-50's?

What's New, Pussycat?

1965 comedy

Rating: 9/20

Plot: Michael, a hedonist, wants to settle down and live faithfully ever after with Carole. He finds it nearly impossible since every woman seems to fall for him. Oh, snap! His psychiatrist, a womanizer himself, isn't much help either.

Whoa-a-whoa-a-whoa. This movie sucks.

The Bat

1959 horror mystery

Rating: 9/20

Plot: A serial killer, "The Bat," is on the loose during a time when self-respecting criminals had style and didn't even bother going out causing mischief unless they had a really cool nickname and costume. A banker, a doctor, a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker, an investigator, a woman, the woman's fiance, a female mystery writer, her assistant, a cook, a thief, a wife, her lover, an embezzler, and about sixty-seven other characters somehow get involved. A mystery is solved!

Vincent Price, since he is the greatest actor who ever live, is good as usual, but the rest of this is devoid of entertainment value. At first, I just thought the plot was really clunky and confusing. Then, I realized that whoever made this was actually trying to make a mystery and that I was supposed to be confused. Attempts to trick the audience wind up making the storytelling illogical and nonsensical. They don't work anyway. You can see the finale coming from 9/10 of a mile away.

Babe

1995 uplifting children's movie

Rating: 16/20 (Dylan: 15/20, Emma: 18/20, Abbey: 20/20)

Plot: After Robert "Bobbi" "Babe" Morgenson, a transvestite prostitute living in Ogden, Utah, watches her pimp (a less-than-gallant character played by Donny Osmond) massacred with a meat slicer, he/she decides to leave his/her past behind him/her and try to achieve his/her childhood aspiration of becoming a butcher. He/She rinses off the meat slicer and heads for Salt Lake City where, confused about how life as a butcher actually works, he/she hires thugs to procure livestock from Salt Lake City farms and chops them to pieces. Hilarity ensues.

It should be noted that the guy who wrote Babe's screenplay (George Miller) first made a name for himself writing the three Mad Max movies. I'm not sure that adds up. This is quality children's fare. The best one-word description I can think of for this movie would be cozy. The colors, the music, the sparse narration, the gentleness of the main human character (wonderfully played by James Cromwell), the almost fairy-tale "Once Upon a Time" in Anywhere (heck, it could have been Ogden, Utah) setting, the use of chapter titles, and the quiet way the film delivers messages about love and loss and dreams all contribute to deliver something timeless and rich. It's as comfortable as a favorite shoe; it's something you're used to seeing while simultaneously being unique and original. It's still hard to believe that a movie with talking animals manages to stay charming for an hour and a half, especially since talking animals movies (Homeward Bound, Cats and Dogs, Racing Stripes) generally belong on my least-favorite-movies-ever lists. The special effects are good, and although I don't like all of the characters (some, in fact, are completely useless), most of the animals add color to the farm setting and enrich the story. Babe crosses the line into Sillyland (I hate those singing mice) a few times, but it is, after all, a movie for kids. And the climax is handled so delicately and masterfully, it makes up for all the times this reminds me of those other talking animal movies. Its sins, therefore, can be partially forgiven.

My nephew Caden picked this movie but didn't end up watching much of it.

Pierrot Goes Wild

1965 cinematic anarchy

Rating: 17/20

Plot: Completely bored with his own life and appalled by the superficialities of modern society, literature-lover and failed poet Ferninand (not Pierrot) flees town with his children's babysitter Marienne. Marienne, it turns out, is mixed up with a motley crew of gun-runners, and following a murder, the lovers find themselves on the lam. Then, succumbing to peer pressure and the teasing cameras, "Pierrot" repeatedly exposes his wild wild nipples.

This equivalent of cinematic pop art is more than likely the inspiration for all those "Girls Gone Wild" videos. Hockney-esque, Warholish, and Lichtensteinian, Godard borrows from comic books, American film genres (humorously, the crime movie, the road movie, musicals, romantic drama), advertising (dialogue at a party early in the morning is plundered from ads), poetry, and painting and slaps it all together into a freeform stew of cinematic anarchy. The result is wildly chaotic, original and fun, funny and poignant, and frequently beautiful. My favorite scenes: the midget gangster and his eventual demise, the gun-runners' dance scene on a beach, an extended long-shot in Marienne's apartment before they leave town, the numerous non-sequiturs peppering the script (the best being Pierrot's final conversation he has with a stranger about a song), the surreal car accident, the explosive denouement. What at times seems like a guy just dicking around, Godard actually has a lot to say about romantic relationships, language futility, emotions, and the role and possibilities of cinema. I gave this movie a bonus point just because of how good Anna Karina looks. Samuel Fuller, who isn't nearly as cute, has a cameo in this one. At times very similar to Godard's Week-end, but it also reminded me a lot of Jeunet's Amelie. Maybe it's the Frenchness.

Get this head a beret!

Batman Begins

2005 superhero blockbuster

Rating: 13/20 (Jen: 13/20)

Plot: Following the death of his parents, Bruce Wayne (rich punk) decides to dedicate his life to fighting evil. He stumbles into Schindler's School for Ninjas where he's trained by Schindler himself to not be a pansy any more. By this time, Gotham City has become a wasteland of corruption and despair. With the help of his butler, Gary Oldman, and the wife of a renowned scientologist, and the narrator of March of the Penguins, he attempts to use his rich boy toys to clean up Gotham City. He becomes Batman, delivers a bunch of clever one-liners, and runs into something even more sinister than expected. Everything finishes right in time for the sequel.

This was recommended by numerous people who promised me a great new start to the franchise. It's ok and certainly better than those other cheesy Batmen blockbusters, but it's not without its problems. The direction is really heavy-handed, the dialogue is bad (especially the overuse of repeated lines), Christian Bale is in it and just not very good, it's stuffed with improbable or hard-to-follow action sequences, it lacks a really engaging antagonist, and it finds itself trapped in cliche too many times. While it avoids the trappings of those cheesier comic book movies and is never goofy, it does seem to borrow quite a bit from the recent Spiderman movies with an attempt to find a Toby McGuire, the moodiness and angst and other thematic elements, and an overall darker, more mature tone. I guess I did sort of like the Scarecrow character, but he wasn't developed enough to be really interesting. I had worried about Christopher Nolan's ability to direct something like this since I don't think he's even very good at what people think he's good at, but there's a chance that he'll hit a groove with these things.

Here are Jen and I wondering where Devito's at:

Beauty and the Beast

1946 French version of fairy tale

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Belle is a complete whore. Magic gloves! And they all lived happily ever after.

I liked Cocteau's surrealist Orphic Trilogy (especially the first two-thirds) better, but this had the same sort of dreamy, atmosphere and ingenious special effects--backwards filming, tricky mirrors, moving statues. Memorable imagery works, but unfortunately, some old-time overacting and a goofy script, the latter which could actually be more of a problem with translation, keep this from being really great. Cocteau was a poet, and the majority of this looks like the work of a poet. After an extended exposition, slowly unfolding melancholic scenes of Beauty lamenting her situation in the Beast's castle, and a believably paced romance, the end feels a little rushed, almost like the director got bored and just wanted to end things. Choppy ending. I don't really care for the fairy tale's ending anyway.

My wife, a beauty, took this photograph of beastly me watching Beauty and the Beast:

Facing the Giants

2006 family football movie

Rating: 1/20

Plot: A struggling high school football program faces yet another losing season, much to the disappointment of the players, their parents, the administration, and the coach--a loser in his sixth year. He's not just a loser of a coach either. He drives crap, lives in crap, and, due to a problem with his junk, can't get his wife pregnant. His team, the Eagles, drop their first three games, and he finds out that people are conspiring to replace him. Rightfully so. He's a loser. However, when a soccer player with a crippled father and Jesus Christ Himself join the squad, everything changes.

When I found out that this was financed entirely by a Baptist church somewhere in George, I almost wanted to bump it up a few rating points. Then I remembered that I had just watched one of the most offensive movies I have ever seen in my entire life and kept the 1. This is so over-the-top religious (the central message seems to be that if you love Jesus and pray, you will get improbable football victories, brand new trucks, raises, and pregnancies) that it nearly seemed like a parody. Predictable, trite, sappy, sticky, cliched, and agonizing, this treats the viewer like an idiot and takes no prisoners in the war on common sense. There's a terrible script, acting that makes the script look even worse, and a feel that makes it seem like you're not only watching an after-school special but actually living one. There are twists and turns, but it's sort of like somebody saying, "I'm going to hit you in the head with a rolling pin," and then telling you that he was only kidding and won't hit you and then hitting you ten seconds later. The movie's plot twists aren't like that though. . .they are more like the 57th time when you know that you're going to get hit with the rolling pin even though he told you he wasn't going to hit you all because of what happened the previous 56 times. I did laugh a few times--once inappropriately (spoiler alert! nevermind. . . if you actually see this, you will know what is coming) when the kid with the crippled father gets ready to do exactly what you knew he would from the first moment his character was introduced while his father (are you ready?) stands up to cheer on his son. Simultaneously, God makes the wind stop blowing to make a field goal attempt a little easier. Nearly simultaneously, Jesus gets the coach's wife pregnant. Miracles, man! Actually, the true miracle is that God allowed this movie to be finished. God Himself would surely be offended at how his message has been bastardized. Seriously, if I see a movie this year that is worse than this one, I will take my own life before it's over. And if I ever get the opportunity to meet anybody involved in the production of this movie, I will spit on him relentlessly.

I was forced to watch this at school, so there isn't a real picture. I would have looked something like this though. (Special note: I have worn this tie 15 straight school days.)

Knocked Up

2007 romantic comedy

Rating: 7/20 (Jen: 11/20)

Plot: A woman gets knocked up by a loser. Lives are changed.

I didn't like this movie at all. I do sort of like Seth Rogan as an everyman, but he doesn't have enough character to sustain a movie that is far too long. There wasn't much that even scratched the surface of funny, and topical material will keep this firmly in the late oughts even with the timeless subject matter, subject matter, I might add, that is ALWAYS hilarious. I believe this might have worked for two and a half seasons as a television sitcom, but only if it came on right after and right before shows that people really like to watch. This idea of making 'chick flicks' with vulgar humor to appeal to male undergrads is probably a good one though.

Note: Tom Waits makes an appearance on Paul Rudd's character's shirt. It's the cover of Raindogs, the same picture used in one of Jim Carrey's memories in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. That movie is referenced with a movie poster that Seth Rogan's character hangs in his apartment. It's the circle of life!

Me and part of Jen's head:

The Beastmaster

1982 fantasy

Rating: 12/20 (Dylan: 10/20 although he said he liked this. I'm not sure the boy understands the rating system. I mean, didn't he see the breasts?)

Plot: A trio of hideously deformed women who apparently left their pants on the set of Macbeth warns Rip Torn and his evil eyebrows that a baby is about to be born that is gonna get all up in his bidness. Rip Torn sends a witch to perform a forty-seven step abortion involving blue Jello, a cow, a fire, cackling, and fingernails. A nosey guy interrupts, awkwardly kills the witch, and adopts the boy as his own. At some point, he's named Dar which, I should note, is Rad backwards. That's not a coincidence because Dar has a truly radical talent--he can communicate and control animals. After his village is slaughtered by Rip Torn's thugs, Beastmaster takes a journey seeking revenge. Well, that and finding some animal pals to accompany him. Oh, and checking out the breasts of naked slave girls.

This was a likable, but dated, fantasy flick. There was so much (especially with the script but also with the set design and cinematography) that keeps this a product of its time. I thought the pre-CGI special effects were great, and the work with the animals was really good. Moments annoyed me (see: the cute ferrets) and moments were unintentionally funny (I had to pause every time he introduced himself with "I'm Dar" so that I could laugh for twenty minutes. . .during some scenes, I had throw in my own "I'm Dar"), but for the most part, this was a fun little movie. Creativity (those cannibalistic robed things and the eye ring were cool) and some interesting shots (mostly exterior stuff but also some interesting mood-aiding set design) make this worth watching.

Note: My wife claimed after hearing about this that I have an obsession with breasts and only watch movies because of the boobs. Little does she know, I actually have a (probably unhealthy) sexual attraction to Dar. Can't fault me for that though! Dar!

I'm not Dar:

Dylan is hiding.

The 400 Blows

1959 French drama

Rating: 18/20

Plot: A disillusioned adolescent raises hell. Trouble at both home and school forces him to react--he spins, ogles, steals a typewriter, reads Balzac, fibs, catches part of his bedroom on fire, engages in subtle homoerotic romance, ticks off his teacher, conjugates, slinks, runs away, drums his fingers, and goes to the beach.

As I've said, I love good endings. This one has a classic, an image of a look into the camera that says more than millions of words in thousands of movies. Truffaut succeeds because he constructs a plot where nothing is wasted and every scene builds to that final shot. At the same time, few of the scenes really scream at you and seem to matter. There's nothing fancy here because there doesn't need to be. Subtle comedy intermingles with the despair of adolescence. Great lead actor. A human is created, and the kid makes it easy to want to follow him around. Well-constructed autobiographical film-making, tragic and life-affirming and beautiful.

Bonus points awarded for puppets.

Me, who during my own childhood never got above 280 blows:

A Big Hand for the Little Lady

1966 Western

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Henry Fonda, his wife, and their child arrive in a Laredo, Texas bar/inn on their way to San Antone. They got forty acres waitin' for 'em, and they's got some farmin' to do; however, the 19th Century equivalent of a flat tire causes them to temporarily halt their travels. The annual big poker game between the richest dudes in the area just happens to be taking place in a closed-off back room of the inn, and Fonda's character wants a piece of the action. While his wife is at the auto mechanic's shop getting the wagon fixed, he does get involved despite promising her that he wouldn't. He loses a bunch of money because, apparently, he is terrible. Then, in a game of five card draw, every player at the table gets a huge hand, and Fonda has run out of money. Jason Robards gets grumpy and says something in a gravelly voice, a voice that smells like bourbon. Then a bunch of other stuff happens, nothing which has much interest for this viewer who wanted more poker action, and the movie ends.

Honestly, I picked this movie up thinking it would be a movie about spanking. It wasn't. It wasn't, unfortunately, about poker either as not a single hand was shown. Not even a single card of a player's hand was shown (although we did find out that a guy had three deuces while another had a full house during one hand). This was completely unbelievable as a poker movie. The game was unrealistic, and although the players were gritty, watching the players' faces light up when they looked at their cards during the big hand was really painful for me. There's a surprise twist of an ending that could be seen (at least pieces of it) from a mile away regardless of plot holes shot into it that make the whole thing not work in the first place. The movie was fun enough, but the good cast seemed to have phoned it in and there was a complete lack of style. I did like Jason Robards though.

So, Jason Robards (if you're reading this), good job! I liked you as Cable Hogue, too!

Here I am wishing I could play poker at this table: