John Carter

2012 sci-fi adventure story

Rating: 13//20

Plot: A confederate soldier named John Carter is whisked away to Mars where he finds himself in the middle of another Civil War. He encounters mysterious shape-shifters, long blue acrophobic guys, and a hot princess. Oh, and thanks to his bone density and the weaker gravity on the planet, he has a 400-foot vertical leap. Unfortunately, there's not a basketball hoop in sight.

I think I might have really liked this as a kid. As an adult, I really just liked looking at Lynn Collins' skin. It didn't take me very long to lose track of what the fuck was going on in this, that's for sure. This is essentially a really really expensive B-movie, and it's a movie with an almost intimidating amount of ideas. I'm not familiar with the Edgar Rice Burroughs book, so I can't be sure whether some of these creatures and settings are from his brain or the minds of the Disney magicians, but at times, some of what you're seeing seem like they could have come from William S. Burroughs instead. I liked the look of the blue, four-armed Martians who were kind of cool in a Jar Jar Binks kind of way. Bald floating guys, sand storms, Martian eggs, insect-like flying machines, abominable arena bears. There's definitely a lot to look at, but they probably should have spent a little more time on the titular hero's running and hopping around because he looked as stupid as Christopher Reeve running in that 1978 Superman movie. The biggest problem with this, the thing that really keeps it from being a good movie, is that the characters aren't interesting at all. This might sound racist, but I can't tell the blue guys apart from each other, even when they talk since Willem Dafoe and Thomas Haden Church kind of sound the same. Princess Dejah Thoris only looks good, and the Martians who look human are almost devoid of personality and don't make villains who are intimidating, menacing, or really anything. I suppose the bald guys are the most interesting, but I never really understood what was going on with them and their personalities were lifted directly from Agent Smith in those Matrix movies. John Carter's worst offense is that the hero is unlikable. Actually, maybe unlikable isn't the right word. The character doesn't really do anything to make him unlikable, but he's just so dull. I blame Taylor Kitsch who delivers every line like it's a chore or like his voice is another muscle to flex. He plays the character largely free of emotion, and for some reason, that made it hard to root for him. That and his voice although I have developed a pretty mean impression of that voice. I don't understand why science fiction dialogue and intonation has to be so stilted.

Philip Seymour Hoffman Fest: A Late Quartet

2012 movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: The Fugue is ready to celebrate their 25th season together, but the quartet's patriarch learns that he has Parkinson's which seems to set in motion a series of conflicts that threaten to tear the group apart.

What a beautiful movie this is! I don't think I ever would have watched this unless somebody told me to or I had a Philip Seymour Hoffman Fest. It's the type of adult movie that I generally try to avoid, but I really kind of loved it from the very beginning, an opening scene with the titular quartet walking to their positions on stage for the performance that bookends this movie with their names appearing above them. And then Walken quotes T.S. Eliot:

"Time present and time past are both perhaps present in time future, and time future contained in time past. If all time is eternally present, all time is unredeemable. Or say that the end precedes the beginning, and the end and the beginning were always there before the beginning and after the end. And all is always now." 

I wanted to write out what I thought this movie was all about, but any theme I tried coming up with seemed like it made about as much sense as this. I think that quote does set things up nicely though, and I like how this gradually puts pieces in place for us with these characters and their complex relationships and then having their pasts and maybe futures clash beautifully for that moment on the stage together. Not everything is resolved here for you people who like to have everything resolved, but I think that's part of the point. It's a stunning look at the human condition and how egotism, betrayal, jealousy, selfishness, loss, sacrifice, and a myriad of other things not only can't get in the way of human beings making beautiful music together--proverbially and literally--but how those things all provide the fire needed to bring out artistic passion. Maybe. Metaphorical art maybe? I loved a line from Walken that really sealed it for me: "I can be grateful. . .for even one transcendent moment." I'm not a musician, and I don't have any expertise in classical music although I do listen to it when I want to trick myself into thinking I'm smarter than I actually am, so if the narrative of this borrows its structure from music, I wouldn't know. I'd like to think it does though because that would be cute. There's a great ensemble cast here. Christopher Walken gets a non-cool and completely serious role, and he nails it. I could probably hear him say anything though if I'm in the right mood. He's best in a heartbreaking scene where his wife sings. Philip Seymour Hoffman gets himself a sex scene with a beautiful actress named Liraz Charhi, has a couple scenes where he is running recreationally, and, more believably, eats with his fingers. He's as great as you'd expect him to be with a wide range of emotions. Catherine Keener's always good, and Mark Ivanir is too as the other person. Wallace Shawn, a guy with two first names, and Imogen Poots, a woman with no first names, are also really good. And I really liked seeing Liraz Charhi in the three scenes she had in this movie. Initially, I wondered if any of these actors could actually play their instruments. Apparently, they took enough lessons to fool non-musicians into thinking they were actual musicians. It fooled me anyway. The soundtrack, as expected, is really great. 

Did I mention that there's a metronome in this movie? I probably don't need to remind my faithful readers what I think of metronomes. 

Philip Seymour Hoffman Fest: The Savages

2007 family drama

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A drama professor and his aspiring dramatist sister are forced to face their insecurities when their estranged father on the other side of the country begins showing signs of dementia. 

Intriguing opener with some elderly dancers emerging from topiary'd bushes looks like it could have come straight from a David Lynch movie. And that's followed soon enough with a shot of Philip Bosco (Two Philips in this movie! How many would the Screen Writers Guild allow you to have in one movie?) writing on the bathroom wall with his own fecal matter. In my humble opinion, you can't have enough fecal matter in a movie although I've heard that the Screen Writers Guild likes to keep the amount of scenes involving excrement to one or, for obvious reasons, zero if it's a movie featuring Sylvester Stallone. And what did poor Stallone do to deserve this? Here I'm trying to pay tribute to the great Philip Seymour Hoffman, and I have to take a shot at Sylvester Stallone for no reason. That hardly seems fair. But I digress. This is billed as a comedy/drama, but the drama should definitely come first. And there are a lot of people who won't see much comedy in this at all. I'm drawn to dark humor, but this is pretty depressing. When you don't have any characters at all who seem the slightest bit happy, it's difficult to call something a comedy. Still, there are funny moments for people who like poking fun at human suffering. The two Philips are joined by Laura Linney. I'm not sure I'd automatically think of pairing her with Hoffman as siblings, but they have a great screen rapport here, and I ended up buying the relationship. Of course, I think I'm learning that Philip Seymour Hoffman had this ability to make anybody he acted with better. Linney pulls off both smart and really insecure, a woman defeated in ways she doesn't understand by her past. She's also the more likable of the siblings since she has at least a little bit of a heart left. Hoffman's a jerk, but you see why after you put all the pieces together. And really, putting pieces together is what this movie is all about. Hoffman gets some memorable scenes here--he has to act in this ridiculous contraption after hurting his neck, drives in a pain killer haze while singing in German, carries a balloon around in a funny bit of visual humor, and snatches a sympathy card in anger. I'd also like to know if the baby picture shown in this was really of him or if all babies sort of look like they could be Phillip Seymour Hoffman. There's also a great scene where Hoffman cries while eating eggs. "Your brother won't marry me, but when I cook him eggs, he cries." I don't know if I like seeing anybody cry (except for my students maybe), but he sure is good at it. I'll have to keep track during Philip Seymour Hoffman Fest, but I think the guy cries in a lot of movies. Anyway, I liked these two together, and I really liked a scene where they have a cross-country phone call with much different weather, a nifty visual to show their different personalities. Bosco is also really good as the dad, lost and feisty and unhappy with his own skin. Writer/director Tamara Jenkins could have taken a cheaper, easier route with that character, and I'm glad she didn't although the ending feels Hollywoody enough. I'm not sure the titular family is really likable, but I didn't mind spending this amount of time with them at all. 

This was a hard movie to steal a poster for because of that Oliver Stone movie. This is the superior "Savage" movie though.

My apologies Sylvester Stallone just in case he Googles himself and finds this.

Jiro Dreams of Sushi

2011 foodie documentary

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A look at the titular sushi master and his Tokyo restaurant, Sukiyabashi Jiro. Jiro works passionately to perfect his craft, and even though the viewer doesn't get to eat any of his food, we get to consume his philosophies.

Quick question: Is "Massage the Octopus" some kind of sex act because it sounds like it might be one. Or maybe it just sounds like it should be one.

The social studies teacher on the other side of my wall plays a lot of videos in class. He might be a former Teacher of the Year for our district, but he apparently doesn't know how to use the volume button. I've brought it up with him before. A few weeks ago, he caught me in the hall and warned me that he was going to be playing a bunch of footage from Japanese game shows in order to introduce Japanese culture to his students, and I got to hear the sounds of Japanese game shows all day. Long after my classroom was aurally assaulted by those sounds, I started wondering if that was the best way to introduce 7th graders to Japanese culture anyway. What point does the social studies teacher want to get across there? What is the typical 7th grader going to assume about Japanese people with that stuff?

As I watched this movie that my brother recommended, I thought about how much the first 10 minutes of this would have been the perfect way to introduce Japan to students. Jiro goes along with this Zen-like attention to detail, an ability to be ecstatic doing the same thing over and over and over again, and this desire to achieve perfection that he'll never be willing to admit that he's achieved even if he does get there, and I was completely fascinated by him. I was amazed to find out that he's been at this for something like 78 years, since the age of 7 when he was on his own. So his story is a fascinating success story on its own, but look at the lessons you can learn from this guy and the way he does business and life:

--It's not about money at all.
--You can never know it all.
--The importance of doing something "for life." And staying passionate about it.
--Always look ahead and above yourself.
--The "no-home-to-come-back-to" parenting style.
--You're only as good as your team.
--Only accept the best from people selling you tuna or rice, from the people you work with, and yourself.
--There's no such thing as a peak.
--Probably other stuff

I've never actually eaten sushi that didn't come from a grocery store (one sample), and I've never seen sushi like it's prepared at Jiro's restaurant. But I'm going to admit that I was almost sexually attracted to his creations. There was something just so artistic about the whole thing, and I liked how they pressed the fish with their fingers. I think it has something to do with the Phillip Glass music. Once again, this proves that documentaries are always better when they have Phillip Glass music. Jiro's creations are aesthetically pleasing visually because he seems to consider what he does to be more artistic than nutritional. There's something Zen-like there, too, the creation of art that you know isn't going to survive and be appreciated at any time in the future. I loved watching these people work and the meticulous attention to detail in every step along the way. I also liked the mega-serious tuna expert guy, and a scene at a tuna auction is pretty insane. And a rice expert, a ball of giggling insanity. I did sort of feel sorry for Jiro's oldest son who, because of tradition, is still chugging along as an apprentice at the age of 60-whatever while his younger brother has opened up his own sushi joint, and I'm not sure a scene where Jiro visits his parents' graves was really necessary. Still, this documentary made me feel very warm inside and was a much better introduction to Japan than a series of clips from game shows.

Philip Seymour Hoffman Fest: Doubt

2006 nun movie

Rating: 17/20 (Jen: fell asleep)

Plot: The principal of a Catholic school suspects a liberal priest of being like most other priests.

It's a ton of fun watching two actors--Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman--at the tops of their games. This is almost entirely dialogue driven, and that pair of antagonists get more than a few scenes to try to eat each other with words. There's just so much ummph behind each and every phrasing, and I don't think I've seen a pair nail every single word so perfectly before. They push on each other, hammer away, bicker like pros. Sometimes, it's less about the writing and more about the delivery. Sometimes, it's just a word, Streep saying "Candy!" or "This" or Hoffman saying "Intolerance" in ways that show you how much performance matters. They're words like claws. Streep's Sister Aloysius recalls Nurse Ratched, only a little more in-your-face and bitchy. She's got an accent and a loathing of ballpoint pens and Frosty the Snowman which apparently celebrates the pagan belief in magic. I'd find it hard to believe that anybody can watch this movie and root for her character from the first time we meet her, a shot where she's slapping a kid on the back of the head during a church service. That's the first time we see Hoffman's priest, too, giving a sermon about the titular feeling. He's good in two sermon scenes, and hopefully they're enough to get him into heaven. Hoffman gets to show off his extraordinary basketball skills, the same ones he showed off in Along Came Polly. He also creates continuity errors with a forehead vein. Each actor is great individually, but they really seem to turn it up when they're in scenes together. "Where's your compassion?" Hoffman will ask, and Streep will answer, "Not anywhere you can get at it." Some of the most violent dialogue you're ever likely to hear. And I love how the two are shot, sometimes with crooked camera angles and sometimes with just the way they're positioned. In a way, I feel sorry for poor Amy "Am I in the way here?" Adams who just can't keep up, but her character is important as the on-screen representation of the movie's audience trying to make up our minds about who to believe. And that's where this movie really gets interesting. It toys with you, creating doubt with the likability of the characters, subtle clues or red herrings, obvious clues or clues that just seem obvious. It's a movie that requires you to decide for yourself without any real evidence, and it's the kind of thing that could bring out a person's biases and reveal more about the person watching the movie than any of the characters. In a way, it reminds me of that short story "The Lady or the Tiger?" It's the kind of art that holds up that proverbial mirror in front of the viewer. Two people watching in the same room, provided one doesn't fall asleep about five minutes after the movie's started--won't have the same reaction to the central plot or questions of pedophilic behavior or a scene where a boy's mother (played terrifically by Viola Davis in a small role) has a reaction that might not make a lot of sense to some people. It's a powerful movie that'll challenge your thinking a bit. And three more things I want to mention: 1) A pair of birds, the symbolism which I didn't understand. 2) Alice Drummond, the actress who didn't like Dan Marino in Pet Detective, brilliant as the elderly Sister Veronica. 3) A scene where the wind picks up and some leaves swirl around a character. I avoided this movie because I thought it looked really boring. It's definitely not boring!

Mud

2013 movie where Matthew McConaughey keeps his shirt on (for the most part)

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Two boys living off the mighty Mississippi help a fugitive hiding in a boat in a tree on an island. 

This movie is too long, and I'm not sure I was that interested in the main plot line about a murderer who a bunch of tough guys are after. What elevates this movie are its themes about love and how the main character--not the titular character--is trying to figure it all out. With apologies to Foreigner, he wants to know what love is and feel what love is and he wants you (or anybody) to show him. That's apparently why he puts so much faith in Mud and his stories which in no way can be the God's honest truth because nobody else around seems to love right. His parents are heading for divorce, his best pal and partner-in-crime Neckbone's got an uncle who seems to be a womanizer and all-around offender of women, older boys are just interested in copping feels. Reese Witherspoon's character eventually lets him down, too, despite the fairy tale romance he believed that whole thing to be. And then there's the relationship he forms with a high school cougar, a relationship which turns out to not be exactly what he expected or wanted. I wasn't sure what Ellis was ultimately supposed to learn from all this, but I decided this is a movie about how love can let you down but that you'll still come out just fine on the other side. Or maybe it's not about that at all since the kid doesn't even know what the audience knows by the end of the movie. McConaughey continues to take roles that he's about perfect for, and he does a good job creating this mysticism or at least mystery. You don't trust what he says, but you trust that it's a real character who's saying it all. And look at Sam Shepard and Joe Don Baker! I was most impressed with Ray McKinnon who played Holly Hunter's fiance in O Brother, Where Art Thou? as the dad in this. It's a controlled performance, and he's got these eyes that let you know there are tons of things he'd like to say that he can't because it's not in the script. The way he attacks a Ding Dong package was enough to sell that character. And give credit to the boys--Tye Sheridan and Jacob Lofland who play Ellis and Neckbone respectively. This dives into territories that feel too Hollywoody at times, and I'm still not sure the ultimate payoff is completely worth it, but it's a well-acted story with a lot of the natural beauty of the Mississippi to look at. If I ever watch this again, it'll be to keep better track of the religious imagery though. Crosses on shoes, snakes, a motorcycle. Were there more? And what's the deal with Mud's superstitions? And why does he seem to appear out of nowhere the first time we see him? 

We're the Millers

2013 comedy

Rating: 9/20 (Jen: 13/20)

Plot: After his stash is stolen, drug-dealing loser David is forced to go to Mexico to smuggle a gargantuan amount of marijuana across the border so that his drug boss doesn't kill him. With a neighbor kid, a homeless girl, and a stripper who lives in his building, he travels incognito as the titular family in a recreational vehicle. Then: comedy! 

These are very difficult-to-like characters (I mean, one is a virgin! And he's weird looking!) played by actors and actresses willing to demean themselves to be about half as funny as they think they are. Jennifer Aniston, at this stage in her career, does not have to play a stripper and have a lengthy scene where she disrobes, a scene that doesn't--at least logically--move the plot along and isn't funny at all. A later scene involving a lot of kissing will also make you question Aniston's choices. Will Poulter plays the virgin, creepily, and he gets a nice moment where he drops his pants and flashes fake genitalia. The clumsiness with how that scene is shot makes it seem like director Rawson Marshall Thurber (Rawson?) went into this with the attitude that he was going to shockingly show us a boy's genitals and didn't really need to worry about the technical side of things. That scene will be shown in Poulter's "in memoriam" thing on the awards shows when he dies. Emma Roberts is barely noticeable. And I'm surprised Jason Sudeikis, playing the really unlikable "dad" here, isn't hit in the nuts repeatedly. It's that kind of movie, the kind that starts with a series of Internet memes--double-rainbow guy, etc.--and is stuffed with modern references that nobody will even understand in ten years. I hate when comedies give themselves a very short shelf life. Ed Helms is another actor who needs to start making better decisions because his likability is about to expire if it hasn't happened already. Not even Nick Offerman and Nick Offerman's mustache can save this. I really hated this movie and am embarrassed that I laughed a couple times. 

Mario Bava Fest: Black Sunday

1960 horror movie

Rating: 18/20

Plot: A 17th Century witch is understandably pissed when she's sentenced to death and has an iron-spiked mask hammered into her face before her burning. A couple hundred years later, she is brought back to life by some bumbling visitors and decides to try to inhabit the body of a girl who sort of looks like her.

Bava's first is my last for January's Mario Bava Festival. Yes, it's already on the blog somewhere, but I'm bumping it up a couple points because it's just that good. I think some clumsy dubbing got in my way the first time I watched this. New to Bava, I'm not sure I knew that I was just supposed to watch the thing. Also known as The Mask of Satan, this is Bava adding his own visual style to an otherwise classical presentation. The set design and a lot of shots could have come from a silent horror movie or one of those Universal monster movies. But man, I love how the camera moves in this, weaving through trees and maneuvering through the kind of house you'd expect to see in a movie like this, and in one terrific long shot, leading a girl as she goes out to milk a cow. Some of Bava's shots are so perfectly framed. He uses the architecture and gnarled tree branches as well as any director, and along with the lighting and an omnipresent mist, it all creates a mood of supernatural mystery. Dig that grave emergence scene, the movement of a phantom horse and carriage where it looks like it's in slow motion with everything else at regular speed, the shot of Javuto driving said coach like he's being filmed in 1923, a pan and a swirl on a dead face, a great shot of Asa's hand and long long fingers, a partially-decomposed face complete with maggots, and glowing cloudy orbs transitioning into a brass instrument bell. Oh, and who can forget that harshly satanic scene with the mask and the bulbous hammer? It's gorgeous stuff, and if you watched this entire movie without any sound at all and had no clue what was going on in the story, you really wouldn't mind. There's also the standard beautiful woman Bava loves to show off. This time, it's Barbara Steele who is so good in dual roles that you might not realize she's playing dual roles. Just so good, and an undeniably influential piece of horror art. I'd have to see Kill Baby, Kill again to decide whether this is my favorite Mario Bava movie. It's probably the one newcomers should watch first.

Shane Watches a Bad Movie on Facebook with Friends: Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn

1983 post-apocalyptic sci-fi

Rating: 9:/20 (Fred: 12/20; Carrie: 8/20; Josh: 6/20; 6.7/20; Johnny: 6/20)

Plot: Mad Max rescues a chick and then has to rescue her again after the titular bad guy kidnaps her. So he drives his little tank thing, finds a friend or two, and drive and drive to find him. Along the way--Richard Moll. 

Things I'm sad about: 

1) That I couldn't see this film as God intended me to see it--in glorious 3-D! 

2) That the sequel the makers of this ambitiously set up never was made. 

Here's a Spoiler Alert: Jared-Syn is not destroyed in this movie. No, he goes on a ride on Disney's Space Mountain and disappears. This movie has a ton of sand and lots of vehicular explosion. There is a lot of dopey moments where they're obviously trying to take advantage of the 3-D. You won't care about the characters in this--not even Richard Moll--and you might not even be able to find anything you'd call a plot. However, it's not all bad. There's a cool variety of post-apocalyptic vehicles which get maybe more screen time than the actors, some pretty good costumes, and a few interesting creatures including a bunch of cyclopes and a guy with a metal arm that spews anti-freeze at his enemies. Oh, and there's a lightning crab monster that is not a special effect that I reckon anybody would be proud of. This movie's also got it's own Cantina scene which, believe it or not, looks a little cheaper than the one in A New Hope. And for all you Kelly Preston fans, this movie's also got Kelly Preston. 

Why is this movie called Metalstorm, by the way? Is it because that's the most badass title in the history of cinema? It must be. There isn't anything resembling a storm of metal in the movie. Maybe that only showed up in 3-D? 

This isn't a particularly inspired motion picture or even a very good one, but I think I would have really liked it as a kid, especially if I had gotten to see it in 3-D. The title screen alone would have had me ruining a perfectly good pair of pants. 

The Act of Killing

2012 documentary

Rating: 17/20

Plot: Documentary guy Joshua Oppenheimer and some anonymous friends talk Indonesian death squad gangsters Anwar Congo and Adi Zulkadry into reenacting their titular violent deeds in the style of Hollywood musicals, gangster dramas, and Westerns.

I'll start this with the same Voltaire quote that was used to preface this documentary: "All murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets." That's almost insanely juxtaposed with a shot similar to the surreal image on the poster above, pink-clad dancers near the mouth of a giant metal fish. And the other bookend for this chilling and utterly mesmerizing documentary is what I can only describe as a phony exorcism, Congo attempting to vomit away his sins or something in one of the more painful and beguiling scenes I can remember seeing in a movie. I generally like my documentaries more human than historical; this is, sadly, a little of both. For large parts of this, I suspected that I was being had, that this was all a little too strange to be real. It's stuffed with moments that are unforgettable, jaw-dropping, or just plain nutty. A cha-cha'ing executioner, boasts that they were "more sadistic than the Nazis," a story about a girl sucking off six guys and not losing any cum followed immediately by a prayer, a guy showing off his collection of crystal animals before exhibiting immense pride for his Billy the Bass, a bizarre "Born Free" musical number in front of a waterfall, a gangster who spends a great deal of the movie hamming it up for the camera in drag. A lot of this is funny, kind of in an uncomfortable way. You don't see a lot of black comedy in documentaries. And, of course, a lot of it is nightmarish. There's a profound indifference that makes you a little sick, probably most despairing in a stand-out scene where they're reenacting the burning of a village. It was just like watching a nightmare where the most sinister people in that nightmare are having too good a time. Congo himself is an enigma, sometimes in a hot pink cowboy hat. There's a scene where he's watching some of the film they're making and calls to his grandchildren, "Come watch the scene where Grandpa is tortured and killed." He seems to be acting during a lot of this after the acting is over, and one scene threatens to turn into a complete cliche, one that brought out the beginnings of a groan in me until the director called him on his bullshit and turned it all into something else. This is a guy who craves redemption, it seems, as he's forced to relive his past or in some cases relive reliving his past, but he doesn't seem capable of getting rid of the indifference or pride. This is chilling but engrossing, even through the credits where a large percentage of the crew and even two of the directors are listed as Anonymous. That's almost a little gimmicky. Most chilling is that I'm not sure this really says anything at all. It doesn't give a voice to the victims or really make a statement about what is going on, more like a couple of these death squad guys taking the part of unreliable tour guides through a hell they don't seem to completely comprehend. It's baffling and worth discussing. Good stuff, a documentary that reminds me of something Werner Herzog would put together. He and Errol Morris executive produced the thing. I do wonder if it's a little too long though.

Mario Bava Fest: 5 Dolls for an August Moon

1970 murder mystery

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Swingers attempt to swindle a chemist during a getaway on an island and then back stab each other literally and figuratively.

Don't watch this movie. Watch Bava's next feature, A Bay of Blood (or Twitch of the Death Nerve) which has a similar premise (people being murdered on an island) and is much better. This is an Agatha Christie type murder mystery that, to be perfectly honest, didn't make a hell of a lot of sense. Did you know that her original story was Ten Little Niggers, by the way? I am not making that up. And I'm happy to provide you with that little bit of trivia because now my blog might enjoy more traffic from white supremacists who happen to be fans of Mario Bava. More than likely, that's the demographic I'm writing for anyway.  The only thing I really liked about this was that all the dead were hung in a meat locker which was always shown with this carousel music. For whatever reason, that struck me as funny. This has almost none of the style you'd expect from a Mario Bava movie except for a scene with some spilled glass balls rolling down stairs and the no-way-that-could-be-accidental placement of a carrot following one death scene. Of course, any bonus point I would have given this for the use of a carrot as a phallic symbol is taken away when there's a continuity error in a later shot and the vegetable moves. This movie feels somehow more sleazy than the other island movie even though it lacks nudity. And it's pretty boring with most of the murders taking place off-screen. The biggest bunch of nothing happens for the first 20 minutes or so. There are some swinging dancers or dancing swingers, a peeping Tabitha, parlor games that oddly involve faux human sacrifice. Even the waiter guy is dancing. I'd not mind partying with these characters, but I'm not exactly glad I had to spend this hour and a half with them. This is a movie that is not as good as its title.

Boy

2010  coming-of-age comedy

Rating: 16/20

Plot: New Zealand's number one Michael Jackson fan, the titular boy featured on the poster, is happy to have Dad back in life. Dad, however, turns out to be a complete jackass and seems to be using his sons to help him find some money he may or may not have buried in a field. Boy desperately tries to connect to his father. 

Taika Waititi is a name I'd love to have. He's the guy who wrote, directed, and starred in this movie, and I believe the only thing I know him from is Eagle vs. Shark which I almost liked. He plays a completely unlikable character in this as Boy's dad, but for some reason, he's still hard to dislike. Waititi's physical comedy is great--a Dukes of Hazard move, a Michael Jackson dance or two, his general posture, a Pee Wee insult. My favorite scene out of lots of favorite scenes in this was some playtime at a beach when Waititi's character, remote from his two boys, continues to gun down imaginary foes in a wartime scenario, a child in a man's body playing with stick guns. I liked the two kids in this movie, too, even though the main character said "Egg" way too much. I didn't realize that was an insult. I've heard "Egghead" and "You've got egg on your face," but just "Egg"? This movie also has the Maori Winnie Cooper. I like the playfulness of this. There's a sad and eventually touching father-son story at the center of all this, but rapid narration that would remind me of a quirky French comedy if it wasn't in the wrong accent at the beginning, spoon violence, failed breakdancing on a square of cardboard by a guy wearing a Michael Jackson jacket (so me, circa 1984), Boy's Michael Jackson dance, a bunch of pop references with an emphasis on E.T. for some reason, and an awesome teacher who says things like "Who knows what disease this sheep's got?" and "Oi! Both of you fuck up or I'll send you to the principal!" all set the stage for silly slice of life from down under comedy. The movie's often hilarious although it does wear itself out a little by the end. Still, there's something refreshing about it. And I loved the Bollywood-esque ending where the characters perform a Michael Jackson song complete with choreographed line-dancing. This one hit me in all the right places. 

The Intouchables

2011 French movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A rich quadriplegic hires a troubled young guy from the hood to be his caretaker, and they become really good friends. 

I'd seen this around and avoided it because it's called The Intouchables and has a poster like the one above. Seriously, I'm supposed to want to see a movie called The Intouchables that looks like that? Then, I saw the super high rating on imdb and noted that it was currently sitting as the 38th highest-rated movie on the site and figured it was time to check it out. I'm glad I did because even though it's a little color-by-numbers with a story that could only make sense in Hollywood (it's actually based on a true story), I thought it was very well acted, often really funny, and ultimately profoundly touching. The leads are great, and I was surprised by the amount of chemistry between Francois Cluzet as the rich guy and Omar Sy as hooligan Driss. That chemistry is what made the movie, and if they wouldn't have been able to sell that relationship as the titular duo (whatever Intouchables means) to the audience, this wouldn't have worked at all. I'm not sure exactly why Driss was a black guy from some country in West Africa instead of an Algerian guy or whether or not I should care about all that. I think the directors (Olivier Nakache and Eric Toledano) just liked him, and I also thought he was extremely likable. His antics during a trip to the opera made me laugh, and I also liked watching him paint. Oh, and he's got some pretty sweet dance moves. Cluzet's performance is powerful, more powerful since he's doing it all without moving anything below his neck. I was touched by his desire for romantic love and his mostly-unspoken fondness for Driss. There's nothing fancy about this movie, and it's a better story because of it. It's just a naturally unfolding friendship that, even if you don't bother filling in all the gaps, hits you in ways that you can't help but understand. It's really a beautiful little story, and I really like it the more I think about it. Just now, I thought about early scenes where Driss is picking Cluzet's character up and later when the latter is in the passenger seat of a Masserati recklessly driven by the former. You've got to put yourself in Philippe's shoes there to fully appreciate the love and trust this scene shows us. 

My spell check is telling me that "intouchables" is not a word. 

Shane Watches a Bad Movie with Friends on Facebook: Forbidden World

1982 Alien clone

Rating: 8/20 (Libby: 7/20; Josh: 5/20; Fred: 6/20)

Plot: A space guy with an android friend is sent to a planet where research and experimentation is happening. Oh, and sex. That's apparently happening quite a bit, too. While there, the experiment they call a Ding Whopper (seriously, several times) breaks out and wreaks havoc. 

An alternate title for this is Mutant which is more appropriate because it's a one word title like the classic it's ripping off. This is from a story by shane-movies favorite Jim Wynorski (and frequent collaborator R.J. Robertson) who co-directed Dinosaur Island and was the subject of this kind-of cool documentary. And that's unfortunate because the writing is easily the worst thing about this movie. I guess we can blame screenwriter Tim Curnen who also wrote something called Ghost Warrior about a samurai in deep-freeze before he was never allowed to write anything again. The storytelling's languid when it's not unnatural and goofy, and I'm not sure Wynorski or anybody else associated with the writing of this has ever heard of science. Or maybe they just made filthy doodles in the back of their science classrooms like I did when I was in school. The acting also makes it impossible to take this seriously. The pair of women space scientists don't look like the type of people who have even heard of outer space, and they definitely don't belong anywhere near a spaceship or a laboratory. They look like they might have been "discovered" in a strip joint actually, and that's about what their characters are in this for anyway. Seriously, this might have the most gratuitous nudity and sex I've ever seen in a movie. Guy arrives, horrible monster kills somebody horrifically, sex happens, more mutant mayhem, same guy almost gets it on with the other woman. And this is exactly the type of movie that's going to throw a scene where the two gals are having a conversation while showering just because. Don't get me wrong. I love female nudity as much as the next guy, but it just didn't make any sense here. One of the women, Dawn Dunlap, played Taramis in another Bad Movie Club flick, Barbarian Queen, so there's a pretty good chance we'd already seen her naked since they were all naked in that movie.  June Chadwick was the other female scientist, and she had more of a career. She was even in This is Spinal Tap and a couple episodes of The A-Team. The worst acting comes from Linden Chiles who played Dr. Gordon. Chiles can't play angry realistically at all which is not good at all since he's angry for almost the entire movie. Well, until he's replaced by an oozing special effect. Those special effects--including different evolutions of the titular mutant--are really pretty effective, at least if you're into gross-out squelchy stuff. There's an effect near the end, one that has to do with a twist that would be cool if it wasn't for science and stuff, that was really disgusting, and what happens to some of these characters is often hard to watch. The ship and weapons used by the characters aren't half bad either. But none of it is enough to be an adequate life preserver to save Forbidden World from drowning in its bad acting and worse writing. 

Ding Whopper though. You've got to give them credit for that one.  

I'd apologize for the poster creases up there, but this is a movie that deserves creases.

Holy Motors

2012 experience

Rating: 17/20

Plot: Oscar is whisked around in a large limousine as he changes character and keeps assignments. 

I know I've mentioned this before, but my favorite movies are ones that I don't fully understand or ones that I'm not sure I understand. I knew enough about this movie going in that this would be that type of movie, and since I really have to be in a certain mood and be wearing the correct pants to make it through a movie like this, I kept putting it off. Well, until I saw it and wrote about it on the blog and somehow inspired my friend Rubber Duck to check it out. This is bizarre, probably by anybody's standards, but I really felt, after making it through the nearly-two-hour film and honestly feeling a little worn out afterward, that I had a pretty good grasp on what this is all about. And then it bounced around in my head a lot more, and I convinced myself that it was about something else. The main character, played by Denis Lavant who was in Tuvalu, a movie I really liked and would recommend for people who like quirky art and/or silent movies, plays around ten different "characters," and it's never clear whether any of them are actually supposed to be the real Oscar although there's one in the middle that very well might be and one at the end that could possibly be. Oh, and another in the middle who gets to hang out with Kylie Minogue, an Australian pop artist who I've heard has a lovely posterior, might very well be the real him, too. Anyway, he's playing roles, and this movie could be about the roles that all of us regular people are forced to play to get through our lives. We have to be violent, we have to be lovers, we have to be spiritual, we have to be parents, we have to be victims, and we have to be needy. A fantastic two-and-a-half-word final line to his surprising family in a last scene intrigues, and there's also a line he says to his daughter that just has to be a key to solving this riddle of a movie. "Your punishment is to be yourself." Or, this could be a movie all about the film industry and the way actors play these different roles, the demands placed upon them by their audience, and maybe how it's all a dying craft. Minogue's character asks at one point, "And if there's no beholder?" and during a surprising musical number (this movie's full of surprises) sings, "Who were we when we were who we were back then?" which fits in thematically with the idea of playing roles and also has nine W-words in a row. So what's this about? Actual people or actual people playing actual people? Or maybe both of those are far too simplistic, and I'm just a dumb guy easily amused by things he hasn't seen before. This has plenty of that and is unlike any movie I've ever seen. I really want you to see it and be as surprised and surprised again as I was, so I'll keep specifics out of this, but the opener with a guy with a tool for a finger, boat sounds, and a secret door in the wall opening into an opera house with zombie people, some dogs, and a naked kid hooked me right away and my eyes stayed wide open during contortionist sex in motion capture suits with squeaking leather and a truly grotesque ending, some flower eating, a crime, a second crime, and a bunch of other stuff. And there's an interlude featuring more accordions than I think I've ever seen in a movie that blew me away. So good! Anyway, I've said too much already. Denis Lavant is brilliant as Oscar and all the other characters he's playing, and I realize that there's a lot of make-up and costuming being used to transform him into all these different roles, but I'd like to see another actor take all this on and do it as effectively. Edith Scob from Eyes without a Face drives him around, and Eva Mendes also has a memorable role. The movie's frequently funny, sometimes almost profoundly sad, and always mesmerizing. I loved it despite not being 100% sure what I thought of a goofy ending in the titular place of business. It's a challenge for sure, but it's great fun for adventurous movie lovers.