Dinosaur Island

1994 dinosaur movie

Rating: 7/20

Plot: Some military guys' plane crashes, and they end up on the titular island. Luckily for them, the scantily-clad women who inhabit the island believe they're gods who have come to destroy the lamest-looking T-Rex you're ever likely to see.

"Die, you dinosaur dick!"

Jim Wynorski and Fred Olen Ray co-directed this movie, one that I'm sure very few people would confuse with Jurassic Park which came out the previous year. This one's got more boobs in it though. Jim Wynorski, subject of this documentary, and Fred Olen Ray teamed up to direct this one. The former's got Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders, The Hills Have Thighs, Busty Cops and the Jewel of Denial, The Devil Wears Nada, House on Hooter Hill, and The Bare Wench Project on his resume while the latter is known for Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Dirty Blondes from Beyond, The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, Bikini Frankenstein, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfolds, and Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes. Out of Olen Ray's 125 director credits, 19 have the word bikini in them. So I shouldn't have been surprised that there was a bare breast in the first second of the film. Literally, the first second. But if any of my wives are reading this, I watched this because I love dinosaurs. Fans of breasts should be happy. Fans of dinosaurs? Well, not so much. And fans of movies where the dinosaurs and the characters are really on the same island will be really disappointed. And the funniest thing about the whole movie, to me at least, was this note before the title credits:

I don't know where they stole these dinosaurs from (I assumed stock footage), but it's obvious that whatever cheap camera was used to film the creatures was not the same cheap camera used to film everything else. But the makers of this don't really expect anybody to buy that the dinosaurs are real. No, this is a little more tongue-in-cheek, the script made up of jokey rapport that is more miss than hit. "You got a problem with your privates, Private?" is a classic though. And I did chuckle when one of the island gals said, "Maybe they can save us from The Great One," which made one of the soldiers ask, "Jackie Gleason?" but in retrospect, that was a pity chuckle. All kinds of cartoony sound effects are used in this, too. The fight choreography is extra special, and the acting is about as bad as you'd expect it would be. Worst of the bunch is Antonia Dorian as Princess April, all open-mouthed and doe-eyed and delivering every one of her lines with this angry surprise. She's potentially my blog's first female Torgo winner. The woman playing Queen Morgana is bad, too. Apparently, she mistook "savage" for "wooden person" or something. But I don't know what I'm complaining about. You've got dinosaurs, guys with guns, bare-breasted splash fights, a cat fight complete with a wardrobe malfunction or two. What else could a warm-blooded American male want in a movie? But again, I want to make it clear that I only watched this because I like dinosaurs. That and I was fooled into thinking Jeff Goldblum would be in it.