The French Connection

1971 action thriller

Rating: 18/20

Plot: Long before he would meet Olive Oyl, Popeye works with his partner in the narcotics unit where he tries to stop that guy in those Bunuel movies from making life a lot more fun for people in New York City.

One of my least favorite movies ever is The French Connection II which I'm reminded exists every time I think about The French Connection. That movie is as terrible as this one is brilliant, just one of those nearly-perfect movies from cinema's best decade. I guess you really have to start with Hackman's performance and the character created here. That or you start by wondering why a song performed in this movie had the lyric "It's customary in songs like this to use a word like spoon." No, it's better to start with the character, a kind of anti-hero. Hackman just seems so big, towering over everybody else. I think when I first watched this movie, I thought Gene Hackman had to have been 7'4" or something in that neighborhood, and not with a scrawny Manute Bol build either but a burly 7'4". Then, I realized that this was the same guy who was in Superman and wondered where his hair went and how he lost a foot and a half. I was a stupid child. Doyle's slightly racist, probably a misogynist, and chews his gum obnoxiously. He's loud and crude, but you never deny that he's really good at what he does, and I think it's impossible not to enjoy watching him go about his business. Oh, and he sure likes his boots on women, doesn't he? Partner Roy Scheider's good though somewhat overshadowed by the star, and Fernando Rey brings some class into this often too-gritty urban crime drama as the criminal mastermind. This movie is the epitome of grit, really diving into the oily crevices to bring out the soul of the story. Things get ugly here, but it works because the world Popeye Doyle is charged with protecting is an ugly one. I'm not sure the camera has to jerk around that much though. I like the attention to detail there is, all the tiny spectacles this movie has to offer. Love seeing Hackman chasing down a guy while wearing a Santa suit, a lengthy scene where the good guys are stalking the bad guys on the streets, that absolutely ridiculous little cat-and-mouse game on the subway that was really probably too ridiculous to even work. It's brilliant stuff. And then, of course, there's one of the best car chases ever filmed. And things end with a bang, literally. A bang more open-ended than any bang I can think of, an ambivalent bang. Great movie, but I'm always a little surprised when I think of it cleaning up at the Academy Awards. Wouldn't this have been more than a little daring in 1971? Regardless, it seems like people have been trying to make another one of these for over forty years.

Sorry about the spoiler on that poster up there.

Shane Watches a Bad Movie with Friends on Facebook: Dead Heat

1988 zombie movie

Rating: 9/20 (Fred: 8/20; Libby: 7/20; Ozzy: 8/20; Josh: left before rating; Carrie: also left before rating)

Plot: A pair of cops fight off zombies created to commit robberies of jewelry stores. One of them turns into a zombie himself, and it's a race against the clock as they try to figure out who's responsible for the zombification.

Ozzy, the youngest member of our little Bad Movie Club, was annoyed because "zombies don't shoot guns" and because "no one can get that messed up." He apparently doesn't give Vincent Price bonus points. Price is in this for only a short amount of time, probably all he could handle at this stage of his career, but he certainly classes up the movie a little bit. As always, he's great to see, especially when trilling his R's in a movie where R-trilling seems completely out of place. Joe Piscopo does the opposite of "class things up," whatever that is. Piscopo doesn't quite have enough screen presence to make up for his lack of acting ability, and he's not funny or likable. He's like a big dopey gorilla, and he's got this thing where he'll say one of his stupid lines (i.e. "Sorry to interrupt your erection, pal.") in a way where it's obvious he wants to be noticed for saying it. He doesn't quite look at the camera and wink, but he might as well do it. This thing is painfully written anyway, and Joe Piscopo's delivery and/or general personality somehow makes it all worse. I can't knock the guy's triceps though. Treat Williams isn't much better. It's almost like he's brought down by being in the same room with Piscopo or something. Darren McGavin is Piscopo-proof and is as good as you'd expect him to be. The story's really goofy and not really effective as either horror or comedy. In fact, it's sort of painful as comedy. There are a few inspired moments, however, including one that involves zombified duck heads and some hulking decapitated meat monster. In fact, if you just watch the scene that takes place in a butcher's shop and nothing else, you will probably think this is some kind of horror-comedy classic, something directed by Raimi or Jackson maybe. The zombies look ok but they don't have much personality. They're kind of blandly gross and blandly menacing, even when they are armed. A corpulent one that Joe engages in fisticuffs with isn't a bad little zombie.  This movie is full of dumb. Of course, that's what makes it tolerable to watch on Facebook with a few friends, I guess.

I picked the French (I think) poster for this because Piscopo wasn't holding up a pair of panties and making a stupid face on the others.

Samurai Cop

1989 action movie

Rating: 2/20

Plot: The titular cop and his sidekick battle organized crime in Los Angeles.

Matt Hannon plays that titular cop and is pretty dreadful as an actor but not too bad as an action hero. He's no worse than an Arnold or a Stallone really although he doesn't have that special whatever that either of them have. Still, it's strange to me that he wasn't in a single movie after this one and only had other straight-to-video release. Jannis Farley, who plays his love interest Jennifer, also had no other movies after this one, and I would have figured that her posterior alone would have gotten her more work. The bad guy is played by Robert Z'Dar whose had plenty of work including the sequels to Hell Comes to Frogtown and Beastmaster, Tango and Cash, and that awesome Soultaker movie with Joe Estevez. So with a cast like this, how could it possibly miss? Well, it was apparently written by an individual with some mental problems. Amir Shervan wrote and directed it. And Amir Shervan might have written this without first hearing other human beings speak to one another. Most of these are likely worse in context, spoken from the mouths of people who can't act very well:

"I will bring his head, and I will place it on your piano." (This is right after the gang leader guy said, "I want you to bring me his head and place it on my piano.")
"I can relieve you of this gift, this black gift." (This is a reference to the castration of Samurai Cop's black sidekick.)
"You lost. . .you lost face." (Spoken by the protagonist after he beats a guy up. No, it doesn't make more sense in context.)
"Hey, wait a minute. I want to talk to you." (This isn't a bad line on its own, but it's the exact thing spoken by four extras in a row during an escape from a hospital.)
"I feel like somebody stuck a big club up my ass. And it hurts. We have to figure out a way to get it out of there." (This is the police captain. He's got a few gems as almost nothing he says makes sense.)
"Oh, shoot!" (Right after the cops run over a guy they just shot. What?)
"Shoot! Shoot him!" (Said repeatedly during a car chase scene. Then, a "Yeah! You got him!" Spoken like a true sidekick.)

This sexy bit of dialogue:

Girl cop: Ok, Joe. Just keep it up.
Cop: Oh, it's always up. You just keep it warm.
Girl cop: It's warm and ready.
(Then, later--following the car and helicopter chase they're involved in during the above exchange) Girl cop: I'll be home later.
Cop: I may stop by, so (pause--tongue click) keep it warm."

And then there's this conversation between a sex-crazed Samurai Cop and a nurse who is only in the movie to have this conversation:

Nurse: Do you like what you see?
Cop: I love what I see.
Nurse: Would you like to touch what you see?
Cop: Yes, yes, I would.
Nurse: Would you like to go out with me?
Cop: Umm. Yes, I would.
Nurse: Would you like to fuck me?
Cop: Bingo.
Nurse: Well, then let's see what you got. (Checks groin area) Doesn't interest me. Nothing there.
Cop: Nothing there? Just exactly what would interest you--something the size of a jumbo jet?
Nurse: Have you been circumcised?
Cop: Yeah, I have. Why?
Nurse: Your doctor must have cut a large portion off.
Cop: No, he was a good doctor.
Nurse: Good doctors make mistakes, too. That's why they have insurance.
Cop: Hey, don't worry. I got enough. It's big.
Nurse: I want bigger.

And that's it.

And then there's some great dialogue with dubbed (I think) voices that are pretty much unintelligible, like gangsters just growling at each other. And two conversations about how black the Samurai Cop's sidekick's ass is. The greatness of the dialogue is nearly surpassed by the greatness of the action sequences in this bad boy. During a car chase where the film was speeded-up but still seems to involve vehicles that never top 30 miles per hour, a van drives into a pile of dirt and naturally explodes before the driver runs out on fire while the cops panic and yell about how he's burning and how they need to do something. Then, it cuts directly to the first of a few awkward sex scenes. Another great action scene involves the cop throwing a samurai sword (really the only time he uses that weapon, I think) and chops a guy's arm off. The black sidekick's response? "Damn!" There's some kung-fu fighting with some strangely echoing utterances that would likely embarrass Bruce Lee, and a final shoot-out that makes up the final redundant 30 minutes of this thing that feature some of the best (and by that, I mean the worst) death scenes I've ever seen. Oh, and at one point, you can hear an audible gun click. It's all wildly entertaining and really funny if you're looking for a movie bad enough to make you laugh.

Special mention goes to Joselito Rescober who showcases some of the best acting I've ever seen as a waiter.

FINAL Urine Couch AM Movie Club: Kindergarten Cop

1990 action comedy

Rating: 6/20

Plot: A cop has to pose as a kindergarten teacher in order to find a drug dealer. It's just like a Fast and the Furious movie except with children replacing the cars.

It's my final Urine Couch AM Movie Club selection, and it makes me a little sad. I don't know what Gene Siskel's ghost is going to do without me actually. Probably try to find a transvestite, drug dealer, trucker, or whore or some combination of those to sit in the lobby and watch movies with.

First off, Arnold's performance in this is one of the worst "big name" performances ever. It's got to be. He stumbles his way through this one, fitting into a comedy like seven ham hocks trying to fit into a latex glove. It's awkward and messy! And I'm not sure who was in charge of his wardrobe, but I'd guess that person never worked in Hollywood again. Or I could be wrong and the various outfits he wore in this were part of the comedy. He starts the thing in this glasses/stubble/trenchcoat ensemble that, along with his size, made him stand out way too much for an undercover cop. Later, he's wearing these jeans that are the oddest color of pant that I believe I've ever seen. He's dressed up at one point as a farmer, singing through "Old MacDonald Had a Farm" with ukulele accompaniment, and yes, that's as wonderful as it sounds. But that's not the most ridiculous outfit they even put him in! No, that would have to be the V-neck with gray sweatpants that made it completely obvious that Arnold Swarzenegger has never actually been a real person. As ridiculous as his wardrobe makes him look, his acting is what makes him aggressively ridiculous. And I'll say it again--this has to be right up there with the worst acting performances of all time. He spends the majority of the movie doing this actually:

That's a face that 99.9% of people just can't make. And I guess that's something. You know how all those 80's action movies gave Arnold those great one-liners? This has all kinds of them! My favorites:

"I'm the party pooper." Come on. That's classic.

"I'm the new kindergarten teacher." You have to read that with the same intonation he used with "I'll be back."

"It's not a tumor. It's not a tumor at all!"
"Good. Now we are having fun." (Picture him with a ferret for this one.)
"What's that? It's a fire alarm! Aaahh!"
"Hi, kids! I'm back." (One of the more touching moments in the movie. What am I saying? One of the most touching moments in movie history!)

You also get to see Arnold threaten children comically, participate in a two-legged race, and act all tough in some scenes where this transforms from a comedy to what seems to be the worst television cop drama of all time. He throws down hard, too, like he's making up for all the time lost shooting those scenes with the kids. He is, after all, the party pooper. Speaking of those kids, they act circles around him. The kids are a lot funnier in this than Arnold, especially when given a chance to improvise. The scripted stuff is lousy though. One kid gets a recurring line that somebody should have been shot for writing--"Boys have a penis; girls have a vagina." The second time the kid says it, he finishes it with a flourish of unnatural arm pumps that Arnold probably taught him between scenes. That kid's name is Miko Hughes, and shane-movies aficionados will be interested to know that he was Billy Robberson in Cops and Robbersons, a movie I've never actually seen. Don't be surprised if you see Miko Hughes' name turn up on my end-of-the-year post. I'm also fond of this bit of dialogue:

"He's a poo-poo head."
"He's a poo-poo face."
"Yeah, he's a cocka poo-poo."

The bad guy's got a ponytail. Did I not mention that? This movie also has one of the most exciting action sequences I've ever seen. I don't want to give too much away, but there's a ferret bite, a gunshot, an Arnold slow-motion dive for a gun, another gunshot, and more exaggerated motions than you'd see if you were watching a pair of mimes.

Bad Lieutenant

1992 one man show

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Lieutenant No-Name roams around the city, almost lifelessly, performing cop duties. In the spaces between, he gambles recklessly and obsessively, cavorts with whores, and drugs it up. Darryl Strawberry tries to make it to the World Series with his Dodger friends.

It couldn't have helped that I had to watch this movie in fifteen installments. But it couldn't be helped. I couldn't have my daughters walking in and seeing Harvey Keitel's penis. They'd be traumatized for life. And I couldn't have my wife seeing that either, frankly because it puts mine to shame. And although my son is at an age where he's mature enough to watch more mature movies, seeing Harvey Keitel jacking off next to a car or the rape of a nun might give the lad ideas and lead him into a life of jacking off on cars and/or raping nuns. I nearly like Bad Lieutenant. I think Harvey Keitel is frequently brilliant, but the performance is ultimately an uneven one. At times, his character is so bloated by badness that it begins to look like a parody of itself, more comical than anything else. During one final scene, when Keitel begins excessively whining like a wounded animal, I almost laughed, and I don't think laughter was what Abel Ferrara was going for in that scene. I also found a scene with Jesus almost uproariously funny. Lots of religious imagery in this one, far too much in fact. It almost felt less like watching a movie and more like the pope hurling religious objects at me. And I'm not sure if you've had the experience of the pope hurling objects at you, but it's not something I'd recommend. I do like a bunch of the stark and gritty scenes. Bad Lieutenant refuses to hide anything at all, and as uncomfortable as that might make the typical audience member feel, it does succeed in being realistic and at times emotionally charged. But this is Keitel's show. He's the center of every single scene, and when what he does works, which it frequently does, everything works. And when he doesn't, things unfortunately get sort of goofy.

As a baseball fan, why don't I remember this Mets/Dodgers playoff series?

Stray Dog

1949 Japanese cop movie

Rating: 17/20

Plot: Following shooting practice, a rookie cop named Murakami has his gun stolen on a crowded bus. Embarrassed, he goes on a hunt for the thief. He finds a mentor in a veteran cop named Sato, and together, they work on finding the culprit.

Kurosawa! I almost don't need to say anything else. This looks and feels like an ordinarily copper-chasing-a-bad-guy movie, noirish with some suspense, but it's got such well-defined characters that it becomes something a little deeper. I'm reminded of Slacker and the "Should Have Stayed at the Bus Station" character's ideas about choices people make and how drastically different things would be if opposite choices were made. That's sort of what this movie's about with Mifune's character not only looking for his gun but investigating exactly what his life could be like if he'd chosen a life of crime instead of life as a cop following his experiences in the war. It's interesting to me that as the audience finds out all about the bad guy, a character who isn't seen, you're really getting a glimpse at Mifune's character, a character you do see but who isn't characterized directly. I didn't really like the actual ending, but I did like what should have been the ending with a pair of characters lying in a field. There's also some nice footage showing post-war Japan and a lot of a Japanese baseball game. Good flick, and the inspiration for Rush Hour 4.

Dirty Harry

1971 action movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: If there's any type of person the misanthropic title cop hates more than anybody else, it's hippies. And San Francisco is currently being tormented by a maniacal one who is sniping random folks from rooftops and promising that he'll continue his bad behavior until the city forks over 100,000 dollars. And he does it all while giggling which ticks off Dirty Harry even more. So, Dirty Harry grows his hair really tall and goes after him, breaking more than a few rules along the way. His struggles with counting make the task even more difficult.

A lot of this movie is too dark. Was that just a problem with the dvd version I saw? I suppose this is the movie that a lot of people have been trying to copy for a few decades now. The story's actually a little weak, and the villain is a little campy (I prefer Malcovich in In the Line of Fire), but there's a coolness working here and combined with some good writing, real characterization, and exciting action scenes, this will likely remain a dated but timeless classic shoot 'em up flick.