My Own Private Idaho

1991 gay movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: In this unpopular sequel to Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Bill and Ted decide to become male prostitutes in late 18th Century Philadelphia. Bill winds up with Yellow Fever and Ted can't stop laughing at him. "Look at your eyes, Bill! Look at 'em!" Eventually, Hitler comes along in his own time machine, and the boys, following the miraculous recover of Bill, have to stop him from using a nuclear weapon to blow up Roosevelt's ancestors and change the historical future. Oh, snap!

I can't be the only person who thinks this movie is uninspiring and flat, right? Bad acting and Shakespearean pomp suck the life out of this one, and I don't care for how this one meanders. Most, I'd assume, would find this whole ordeal pretentious, but I do like how a lot of it looks with Van Sant creating this dreamy aura while experimenting both sonically and visually. There's just too much distraction in this art schoolish affair that keeps the story from really having an emotional impact.

Encounters at the End of the World

2007 documentary

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Werner Herzog ventures to the unforgiving landscape of Antartica to discuss humanity's inevitable extinction with philosopher/fork lift drivers and other "professional dreamers."

Herzog captures rare breeds and gives us their stories on our big and small screens. He asks questions that have no answers and then gets answers. "Why is it that a sophisticated animal like a chimpanzee does not take advantage of inferior animals? He could straddle a goat and ride off into the sunset." This, as Herzog says, is not another movie about penguins. It's a movie about mankind dreaming its way straight into extinction and is a profoundly moving, if kind of odd, experience. Some of the photography is stunning, but you can get that sort of thing elsewhere. What this offers is Herzog's unique blend of found art--the ability he has to find the surreal hidden in the mundane--and his philosophical ramblings. His narration, although I could listen to his voice for hours, is at times oppressive. He cuts off one interviewee's story with a "to make a long, drawn-out story short" and another one's with "her story goes on forever." This is a fantastic companion piece to Fata Morgana, and it's cool to see that Herzog's modus operandi hasn't changed all that much in the 35+ years since he made that one. Lots of moments in this one which will require a second viewing, but I loved the interaction with an aloof penguin expert: "I tried to keep the conversation going. 'Dr. Ainly, I read soemwhere that there are gay penguins."

College

1927 comedy

Rating: 13/20 (Dylan: 11/20; Emma: 17/20; Abbey: 20/20)

Plot: Ronald graduates at the top of his class and attends his graduation ceremony with his proud mother. Mary, the girl of his dreams is also there, and following a speech in which he criticizes athletics, he is told that she could never love a man who wasn't an athlete. When he goes off to college, he tries his hand at baseball, track and field, and rowing, which in 1927 was actually considered a sport. Unfortunately, his rival Jeff also has his eyes on Mary and is more than a little more athletically gifted. He's got girth!

There are good bits here, but this is overall a sub-par Keaton feature film. Some of the sketches go on for too long, and some are just extraneous. His attempts to get a job, for example, are unnecessary to the storyline. There's also a scene that is a bit racially insensitive, but it was nothing that would be overly shocking to anybody who's seen a Shirley Temple movie. What keeps this from being as good as other Keaton movies, although it does have some very funny moments, is that it's far too episodic and doesn't have the flow of a The General or Our Hospitality.

This, by the way, is the first of many consecutive Buster Keaton Saturdays. I announced this to two of this blog's readers last night, but neither really seemed all that excited.

If I Should Fall from Grace with God: The Shane MacGowan Story

2001 documentary

Rating: 12/20

Plot: A documentary about how everybody in Ireland is ugly. Mainly, the cameras follow around one particular ugly Irishman, Shane MacGowan, former frontman for Irish folk-punkers The Pogues. He was also in an earlier band called The Nip Erectors. He drinks a lot, but a lot of other ugly people call him a genuis. But his self-destructive behavior threatens not only his musical career but also his life. Check out those teeth!

I love that the last line in this documentary is a woman saying, "Don't worry, Shane. Your teeth will grow back." Non-Pogues fans probably have no need to watch this. Lots of music, some old footage when Shane still had teeth and a voice like an angel. Or at least one of the two. There's also a lot of unintelligible interview footage which, I think we'd all agree, is the very best kind of interview footage.

The Cocoanuts

1929 musical comedy

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Hammer owns a beachside hotel in Florida. It makes no money. He tries his best to swindle his way into riches while at the same time, some jewel thieves concoct a plan to rob from a rich visitor. The other Marx Brothers get in the way of both plans. And then there is much singing!

Too much singing. Hokey-pokey subplots and insipid song and dance numbers get in the way of what the Marx Brothers are doing. They do their thang in this, their first movie--the fast talking funk, Zeppo's physical stuff, the musical instrument dabbling--but it's a messy thang and there's nothing really all that memorable like the classic scenes in their better work.

The Shaolin Temple

1982 kung-fu movie

Rating:

Plot: Chieh Yuan wants revenge on the man who killed his father. Monks help him out which then causes trouble for them.

Jet Li's first film is a strong one. The fight scenes are lively and creative and, at times, very long. They're also very complex with giant melees that fill the screen with action. Definitely very traditional kung-fu, the choreography depending on nothing more than the skills of the participants rather than any special effects or wires. And although Li's skills are as fun to watch as in his later works, he doesn't even come close to overshadowing the work of the others. In fact, they could more than likely have all beaten me up. Add a variety of weapons and a dude who does flips off his head, and you've got the recipe for some quality action. This is a kung-fu movie I'll definitely watch again.

Watchmen

2009 movie

Rating: 15/20 (RD: 15/20)

Plot: The times they have a-changed, and in an alternate universe 1980's New York City (in which Richard Nixon is inexplicably still president and American won in Vietnam), superheroes have been outlawed and crime is everywhere. People live in fear of a seemingly inevitable nuclear holocaust. Following the murder of aging costumed hero The Comedian, another costumed superhero called Rorshach runs around in a fedora to warn his former cohorts about a potential threat against all superheroes and try to figure out who's behind it. Comic books explode as invitations to the apocalypse are mailed out.

I was unclear about my own anticipations going in, and coming out, I was more unclear about whether what I watched was brilliant or crappy than I have been following a movie in a long time. I'll borrow from RD, my friend who recommended and loaned me the graphic novels a few years ago (I should add, by the way, that without that reading, I might have been completely lost during this nearly three-hour movie): it was almost as if this movie had two directors, one who wanted to make a silly blockbuster that would make fanboys drool and pee their pants in delight and another who understands subtlety and grace and wanted to focus more on the depth of the graphic novel--the philosophy, the satire, and the dark dark humor.

The brilliance. An absolutely stunning opening scene followed by a gorgeous opening credits with bizarrely artistic visuals that simultaneously shocked, amused, and enlightened while "The Times They Are A-Changin'" blared. The rest of the visuals--seamless CGI, breathtaking imagery, fight scenes straddling the line between over-the-top and over-the-over-the-top. The story itself which retains the difficulty of the graphic novel's narrative structure, unfolding gracefully with flashbacks and (maybe?) flashbacks within flashbacks. There's so much to see; this is an absolutely jam-packed nearly three hours. And this is the exact kind of movie that excites me, the kind you just want to discuss endlessly and the kind which I believe people will be discussing for years and years. Nuances, depth, power, ambiguity. So much of this is so great, transcending comic book movies and blockbusters, baffling and tickling the audience, and holding that mirror up to our world in a way that reflects now, twenty-five years ago, sixty-seven years ago, and two hundred years ago. But. . .

There was so much wackiness, so many times when the movie loses focus, and so many unfortunately embarrassing moments in this. There was a necessary but troublingly campy sex scene, a few too many of those moments where this slipped into goofy action mode (self-parody?), and lots of stuff that should have easily ended up on the cutting room floor. There was some genuinely awful acting. There were some truly odd soundtrack choices ("99 Luft Balloons"? Was that incidental or was that supposed to be on a jukebox since the setting was the 80's?) and some scenes that might have been unnecessarily super-ultra-violent. I also hated this animated creature that was in the movie for no apparently reason. It looked really stupid.

I'll add four more things. 1) I really look forward to seeing this again. It's a feast. 2) I don't see movies often at all in movie theaters. I almost forgot that I had to buy tickets and am lucky RD was with me or I would have probably been beaten and arrested. But I wonder how much seeing movies in theaters makes those movies seem more impressive than they would be on my television screen. 3) I believe this is better than any Batman movie ever made. Add any Incredible Hulk movie to that. 4) My favorite audience member comment: "Doesn't anybody in this movie wear clothes?" I doubt I see more big ol' blue CGI penis this year.

The Monster Squad

1987 children's horror movie

Rating: 4/20

Plot: Some really dorky kids form a monster club, somehow get Fonzi to join them, and retreat to a clubhouse where they talk about monsters and plan for the events of this movie. Then Dracula, after recruiting a wolf man, Frankenstein's monster, a swamp thing, and some famale vampires, arrives to take over the earth or something and look for Van Helsing's diary which the main character's mother just happened to pick up at a yard sale that day. A German fellow and the main character's father, who since this is a movie from the 80's must find a way to reconnect with his son, help out.

This script was terrible. A pet peeve of mine is kids cursing in movies. This one annoyed me right off the bat, and then creeped me out later when there was a discussion of a five-year-old girl's virginity. The special effects in The Monster Squad were worse than they were in the 1940's classic monster movies which this movie seems to be pissing all over. Another pet peeve of mine is bad child acting, and this had about forty-seven examples of it. If it was bad in a funny way, I could forgive and forget, but this was just bad. Offensive bad. A student actually brought this in to watch instead of Apollo 13. I told him no, but he told me to take it home and watch it anyway. Now I'm probably going to fail the kid.

The Rocker

2008 Jack Black comedy that he actually has nothing to do with

Rating: 6/20

Plot: Fish is the passionate drummer for a 1980's hair metal band called Vesuvius. The other members of Vesuvius dump him after their manager convinces them that it's a good idea. Apparently it was, as they ride that volcano all the way to the rock 'n' roll hall of fame. Fish is bitter but eventually accidentally joins a teenage relative's garage band which then becomes a smashing success. Rock on!

The music in this is horrible, and I don't think Rainn Wilson, as much as I like him on The Office, can carry a movie. This is a paint-by-numbers comedy with barely enough going on to hold my attention for the duration. I will never speak of it again.

Apollo 13

1995 movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A sequel to the box office flop Apollo 12, this episode in the series features our three heroes--Roy Davenport, Sebastian Futon, and Rocko Picnic--as they travel to the distant conical planet called Borkenloaf to attempt the rescue of the American president from the clutches of space monkeys who are repeatedly and ingeniously molesting him with tobacco-stained gloves and extraterrestrial prods. The problem is that Borkenloaf is so far away (nearly 1,200 miles!) and they are without a spacecraft (destroyed in the final moments of Apollo 11 during the climactic space tornado scene) and must walk instead. "Chin up," says Picnic. "You weren't chosen for this mission because you're a God damn puss." They must tangle with space squid, space centipedes (later, a video game), and space koala bears along the way. Conflicts arise when Davenport finishes off the last of the potato salad and Futon is accused of deeds of which only Futon could be accused. Can the astronauts settle their differences in time to work together to save the president? Will a figure from Davenport's checkered past threaten the mission? Will this movie make enough money to justify an Apollo 14? Based on a true story.

I don't hate Tom Hanks. Not at all. But I do have a problem with him that is really hard to articulate. The only way I can put it is that he is just too Tom Hanksy. This isn't a bad movie. But like Tom Hanks, this movie is just too much a movie. I don't know if it's due to spoilers or with what I thought was sterile direction, but I was never moved by anything that was happening on the screen and never on the edge of my seat. There was a moment in this when what was happening on the spacecraft got kind of boring, probably because the movie was nearly six hours long, and the stuff on earth became more intriguing. Actually, now that I think about it, that stuff was probably always more intriguing. I was never able to empathize with the astronauts in this one except for maybe Sinise's character who was on earth anyway. This, like most movies based on historical events, would have been much better with puppets. But gosh, I hope we go back to the moon some day. I can't think of anything better to do with all of this money America has saved up.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

2008 romantic comedy

Rating: 7/20

Plot: Heartbroken composer Peter Bretter takes a trip to Hawaii to try to forget his actress girlfriend Sarah Marshall. She happens to be there with her new rock star boyfriend which makes things difficult.

This wasn't funny. And I can find no reason why Jason Segel's penis needs to be on the screen multiple times. I guess you know you're in trouble when the best thing about the movie is Billy Baldwin. These movies from the guys who brought us The 40-Year-Old Virgin are getting tired. I did appreciate the puppets near the end though.

El Norte

1983 drama

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Enrique and Rosa, Guatemalan peasants, decide to flee the violence of their homeland to look for some really good shopping malls in the land of the free and the home of the brave. They travel via bus, trucks, boats, train, elephant, chimp, motor scooter, children's backs, moon shoes, vines, skateboards, pogo sticks, more boats, tank, giraffes, dog sleds, magic carpet, cereal boxes fashioned into skis, each other, a circus train, rockets, skates, unicycles, ostriches, a race car, pterodactyl, wagon, police car, Oscar Meyer Weinermobile, submarine, jet skiis, crotch rockets, hot pockets, Calista Flockhart, jeeps, giant rats, bumper cars, flying saucers, underground burrowing, mules, kites, falcons, hot air balloons, cold air balloons, giant tire, shopping cart, feet, magic snowman's back, plastic motorized car, mammoth, Segways, clown car, Volkswagon van filled with hippies and pot smoke, big rig, little rig, medium-sized rig, tractor, llama, and a rainbow until they reach America. Then, everything is peachy because they're in America which is always a welcoming, wonderful place for immigrants.

I believe I need to see this one again. I was distracted by a my own gloominess and fatigue. The saga of these two unfortunate souls isn't always easy to watch, and not just the devastatingly sad scenes. Check out the scene in the sewer amongst the rats, a couple which the siblings ride upon. Some interesting settings, atmospheres decorated with some almost surreal touches working as a virtual road trip through Central America. The third part of the film, in Los Angeles, gets a little melodramatic and loses some steam. The filming looks cheap, and the characters are likable but not exactly a draw, but this is important story showcasing the plight of numerous people and is still topical 25 years later.

The Gambler

1974 drama

Rating: 10/20

Plot: A literature professor struggles with addiction and alienates his family and friends. He should learn a lesson when he finds himself drowning in a dangerous forty-four thousand dollar debt and has to have his mommy bail him out, but he goes right on gambling.

If only there were Oscars awarded for chest hair. This movie isn't very good; it's dated and overlong. It's one of those movies that threatens to end several times but then doesn't. I'm not saying a movie has to have a nice tidy tight resolution, but this one goes absolutely nowhere. The character doesn't get, learn, change, or anything. And that's a problem with a movie like this. He's not really likable, but he's not exactly unlikable all the time either. He's just kind of there, and I got really tired following him around after about an hour. The point was sort of driven home after ten minutes. I really didn't need the additional hour and a half.

The Straight Story

1999 David Lynch joint

Rating: 17/20

Plot: True story of Alvin Straight, an Iowan with bad hips who travels to Wisconsin via John Deere riding lawnmower to visit his sick brother he hasn't spoken to in nine years. Leaving his daughter behind, he makes the 266 mile trip in six weeks on the 60's John Deere while facing storms, giant hills, and menacing 16-wheelers. He also interacts with a variety of folks along the way.

I thought I had a label for movies that make me cry. I'm not sure why this one grabs me so hard because it's quite possible that I'm being manipulated. I can forgive though when a movie is this beautiful. I've seen this twice previously and only checked it out this time because my brother saw it recently and didn't like it. I can only conclude that he is a heartless bastard. Lynch's direction is excellent here, such a delicate directorial hand. It might be my favorite Lynch movie actually. The movie is both touching and funny with several quirky locals, almost like Disney-fied versions of the typical members of the lunatic fringe who inhabit Lynch's films. No backmasking midgets though. The dialogue is unrealistic, but in such a homey way that it can also be forgiven. My favorite bit of dialogue involves Straight trying to buy a grabber from his local hardware store. It's such a wonderful mix of character acting and well-written dialogue and makes me smile just thinking about it. Now, my brother didn't think either Richard Farnsworth or Sissy Spacek acted well in this. He's wrong. Spacek, playing the mentally challenged daughter of Straight, isn't easy to watch, but she's very good. And the old man is perfect, one of those roles you can't imagine could be played by anybody else. Watch the scene where Straight shares war stories and tell me the acting is bad. Both roles are also so physical, and I think my brother probably missed that because he was too busy being wrong. Disney and David Lynch--a match made in heaven!

I have to come clean though. I might have given this movie a bonus point just to annoy my brother.

Cats and Dogs

2001 children's movie

Rating: 5/20 (Dylan: 6/20; Emma: /20; Abbey: 19/20)

Plot: Cats and dogs fight.

These talking animals creep me out, and combine that with a talking Jeff Goldblum, something else that creeps me out, and you've got one creepy movie. The special effects can't save this piece of crap story. These computer-generated cats and dogs really don't come to life which makes it nearly impossible for an adult to hop on board and enjoy this even a little bit. Great idea on the drawing board, I think, but this would have worked much better as traditional animation than with this creepy live action + Jeff Goldblum formula they dreamed up. Definitely one of those movies that you watch while thinking about all the starving people out there who could have been fed if the money that went into this project was used to help them. Actually, thinking about starving people is a lot more entertaining than watching Cats and Dogs.