Ashes and Diamonds

1958 romantic war movie

Rating: 18/20

Plot: A pair of Polish resistancers attempt to assassinate some Communist dude when a pretty bartender gets in the way.

A shot of Ewa Krzyzewska, this smoky light encircling her as if she's nothing more than a dream, was enough to make me understand why the assassin decided he needed a change in his life. This film's cinematography made me giddy. I wasn't understanding the story initially and couldn't keep track of the characters' motivations, likely because I'm not smart enough to be watching movies like this, but I was pulled in by the visuals--the glasses of alcohol on fire on a bar, a creaking upside-down crucifix, fireworks punctuating a stunning death sequence.

Alex van Warmerdam Fest: The Waiter

2006 Dutch comedy

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A waiter endures work stress and tries to manage a complicated love life in a story being written by a scriptwriter and his partner.

Even though this won two Gouden Kalverens (according to the poster), this wasn't my favorite von Warmerdam movie I've seen in my little Alex van Warmerdam fest. It did have a pair of laugh-out-loud moments, however. One shows the results of a screenwriter falling asleep at the keyboard. The other involves a purchase the titular waiter makes at a shop, a dialogue-free scene that tests the viewer's patience and cracks him up at the same time. I believe the shopkeeper was an old lady, but she looked a little like Marty Feldman or maybe a Monty Python character. The character is "Oud Winkel Vrouwtje" and she's played by Rene van 't Hof.

The meta aspect is a little cheesy, and the reveal that this poor guy's life is being mercilessly scripted might be revealed a little early. As with all van Warmerdam comedies, this is filled with dark slapstick and quirky characters. It's probably a little too easy to consider the screenwriter as a metaphor for God or the screenplay as an existential crisis, so I won't do it.

Velvet Buzzsaw

2019 arsty thriller

Rating: 9/20

Plot: Works of art start killing people.

You're very aware that there's a script here. This thing is written hard, and that makes nearly everything--the characterization, the suspense, the satire of the art world--feel completely flat. The cool animated credits are the highlight of this one as it's downhill from there, a crazy-but-not-crazy-enough frustratingly incoherent downhill ride. If you've got a movie that has more visual reminders that Starbucks exists than combined laughs and scares, then you've got a horror-comedy (which is what I think this is supposed to be) that has some problems.

The last time Jake Gyllenhaal worked with Dan Gilroy worked out fine although this is the kind of movie that can make you wonder if something like Nightcrawler is really as good as you remember it. Here, Gyllenhaal is trying very hard in what is a borderline offensive performance. Every blink is mannered, and it seems like he's trying to win an Academy Award with his fingers. Worse might be Rene Russo. She's terrible. So is the music. John Malkovich is apparently only doing Netflix projects now. He's better here than he is in Bird Box and seems like he might care a tad bit more. And he gets to show off his basketball game, his second best scene. I won't share the other because it would be a spoiler, but I liked it a lot. So I guess I did like something other than the animated opening credits.

This skewering of the art world is about as obvious and juvenile as it could be. Greed and exploitation gets punished, pompous critics and art-world dilettantes are lambasted, and somebody mistakes a few bags of trash for a work of modern art. It's the sort of thing that's been done better before and will be done better again.

The suspenseful parts weren't quite cheesy or campy enough, and they definitely weren't thrilling or horrifying enough. Things happened, and then I kind of just waited for more things to happen. I didn't care about a single character, and that probably didn't help matters.

Netflix is starting to tick me off again. After Private Lives, Happy as Lazarro, and Roma, I was pretty excited about the possibilities, but they're off to a bad start in 2019.

Time of the Gypsies

1988 turkey movie

Rating: 17/20

Plot: A coming-of-age story about a boy and his turkey.

A long shot introducing this quirky village sucked me in, but the turkey is what sealed the deal. Yes, there is a turkey sex scene in this movie, and there's also a scene where a kid plays and accordion while squawking at the turkey.

There's a mafioso dwarf in this. He blows smoke rings. I'm not sure what his name was.

This Emir Kusturica flick was the last movie I watched before putting together a "Favorites of 1988" list, and on the strength of that turkey performance, it made the cut.

I know a lot of people depend on my reviews, but I just don't feel like writing a lot. I'm trying to catch up here.

And yes, I know nobody depends on my reviews. Nobody's even reading this!

On the Silver Globe

1988 Polish unfinished sci-fi film

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Polish people arrive on a new planet.

Found footage weirdness with all these perfectly coordinated little movements and some wonderful imagery including impossible shots of these people impaled on twenty-foot poles on a beach, bird guys in a graveyard, and an explosive earthquake sequence with puffs of soil and toppling trees keep this worth watching even when it's painfully dull and way too talky. Director Andrzej Zulawski wasn't able to finish this project because the Polish government didn't like how much of the lines were screamed (or something), and the missing bits are filled in with Zulawski's narration while he shows pedestrians walking on Polish sidewalks or people riding down escalators. The narrated bit with the escalator is sadly almost as riveting as a lot of the other scenes in this lengthy movie. The characters really never do shut up, and the diatribes, dialogue, and declarations are really dense. And they really are mostly screamed by these actors and actresses giving these expressionistic performances.

I had a tough time understanding what was going on a lot of the time, likely because I'm not very smart. But when the astronaut started riding around some desert in a car while the score amped up with some guitar music, I was even more confused.

A flamboyant character reminded me of Brian Eno, but I don't think it was him.

Anyway, I'm glad I'm able to see this and glad that I watched it. It was kind of a tough watch though.

Frantic

1988 thriller

Rating: 16/20

Plot: While at a conference in France, a doctor's wife is kidnapped after a luggage mishap. He tries to find her. Frantically!

This unfolds in a very non-frantic manner. It's patient, but it still really moves. With a Morricone score that punctuates moments and a surprising amount of humor, this feels just different enough for a Hitchcockian, neo-noirish thriller. Honestly, I thought this was an Indiana Jones movie, but I still enjoy Harrison Ford when he's not my favorite archaeologist or Han Solo. He's a little grouchy anyway and likely more fun the grouchier he is. And here, he's super grouchy because his wife is gone, he has to run around like Bruce Willis without shoes for parts of the movie, and he can't figure out that a Garfield phone is a phone. He also shows off his dance moves when he tries to keep up with Emmanuelle Seigner gyrating in that red dress of hers.

Silent Saturday: Earth

1930 Soviet propaganda piece

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Farmers wrestle with the idea of collective farming.

Aleksandr Dovzhenko is more interested in allowing his visuals to tell his story. And that's likely why you get intertitles that detail dialogue like "You dyin', Simon?", "Well, goodbye, I'm dyin'," and "He liked pears."

That was all post-lengthy pear montage. This movie also has a pretty stunning bread-making montage, and I almost had to turn the movie off during that dizzying sequence because of my gluten intolerance. I enjoyed both of those food-related moments, and I also liked a death dance and some subversive religious imagery. But nothing can compare to the arrival of a tractor where even the horses are jazzed and an order to "Let 'er fly!" which preceded a shot of some guys urinating on the new piece of machinery. I probably only watch Russian movies to impress a certain Russian friend of mine, but I'm always going to be all-in if there's a scene where people urinate on farm equipment.

Fireworks

1997 action love story

Rating: 17/20

Plot: Following a tragedy on the job, a policeman leaves the force to take care of his dying wife.

Hooked from the colorful opening credits, I had some trouble getting into the rhythm of the narrative. Once the disjointed storytelling settled in (or settled down) and this became a love story, I was absorbed. The beautiful colors were still there in these well-constructed shots. A lot of that has to do with the use of a lot of bizarre artwork, apparently paintings made by writer, director, and star Takeshi Kitano. I don't know if all the artwork is his, but there were a few pieces I liked, including a snow/light/suicide one. His background as a painter likely contributes to his ability to have this unique visual flair with Fireworks. Or Hana-Bi. Whatever I'm supposed to call this. That sounds like where Puff the Magic Dragon is from.

This isn't all visual flair and disjointed narrative with the occasional splashes of bloody violence. Instead, this has a pair of powerful stories about a friendship and a loving marriage. The latter unfolds almost entirely without dialogue, and it's just beautiful. When this movie morphs into a road trip movie, watching the couple work on puzzles or have these sightseeing mishaps is so sweet. The friendship is almost as sweet. I loved Kitano's patience with a scene where Ren Osugi opened a gift, and a scene with a beret almost brought on the tears. A shot of a wheelchair on a beach was also powerful.

Tristana

1970 Bunuel film

Rating: 18/20

Plot: A young woman is taken in by Don Lope following the death of her mother. Don Lope treats her as a father while falling in love with her. That causes some issues later.

This is a masterful glimpse at the complex lives of complex characters and what happens when their lives collide. Don Lope, a walking contradiction, wants to "defend the weak" while not doing much at all to defend anybody. I can't think of another character I've seen where our perception of him is so vastly different from the way he seems to see himself. The great Fernando Rey plays him perfectly. Catherine Deneuve is the titular character, one who starts the film with all this innocence but ends the film with something else. A lot of this movie is about choices or free will, and Deneuve's character is a feminist representation of that as she talks about choosing favorite pillars or chick peas. Or pinto beans.
I don't know my legumes. I write about movies all time and have had this stupid blog for over ten years and don't know a damn thing about movies. You expect me to know about legumes?

I'm in a bad mood now. I didn't appreciate your attitude.

The Killing of a Chinese Bookie

1976 crime movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A club owner tries to pay up some gambling debts.

It's tough for me to watch any movie with Ben Gazzara without imaging that scene in Lebowski where Jackie Treehorn doodles an enormous erection.

I always wonder if I'm appreciating a John Cassavetes movie as much as I'm supposed to. The grit fits with these characters whose stomping grounds seem like they could only exist in 1970's American movies. And I like this as a character study of Gazzara's character.

My favorite bits were the ones in the club, Crazy Horse West, emceed by Mr. Sophistication played by Meade Roberts.

I watched the longer version of this because that's what was available to me. A reputable source told me that the shorter edit is actually better. Is that true?

Alex van Warmerdam Fest: The Last Days of Emma Blank

2009 dark comedy

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A woman's family waits for her to die so they can stop acting like her servants or, in one case, a dog.

One character, the one played by director Alex van Warmerdam, does spend the majority of this movie acting like a dog. He has to defecate outside and at one point humps the titular character. And it's times like this where I type words here and think, "What the hell am I doing with my life?"

This is the closest van Warmerdam movie I've seen to the original one I saw--Borgman. It feels allegorical like that one did, and it has a really cool house. Apparently, the house was specially built for this film because the script had specific references to a specific house in van Warmerdam's mind.

Lots of stand-out moments here, but my favorite is a simple one that features an almost magical skirt flip.

Stars and Bars

1988 comedy

Rating: 10/20

Plot: An art expert travels to the South to purchase a Renoir from some country folk.

Here's a movie for anybody who wants to see Daniel Day-Lewis not being very good. It's also for anybody who wants to see Daniel Day-Lewis a little naked. I've yet to see Lincoln, but I assume there's not a Lincoln nude scene in that. If there is, let me know so that I can start watching that immediately.

Day-Lewis--actually, he's sans hyphen in the credits for this one, so I guess he's Day Lewis--plays the straight man in what is pretty much a straight comedy. This isn't the shoulda-been cult classic I imagined it might be. The movie also has Steven Wright, Harry Dean Stanton, Spalding Gray, Rockets Redglare, Laurie Metcalf, and Joan Cusack, and a few of those are among my favorite people. So I thought this might be something. It has it's moments, and Day Lewis does have some comedic chops in this fish-out-of-water role, but this isn't the part for him and this isn't the type of movie that's going to develop a cult following. Despite some black slapstick comedy and this surreal redneck wonderland backdrop, the tone issues really get in the way.

It probably doesn't help that it starts with a Sting song. "Shut your ass, English shitbird!"

Brain Damage

1988 horror comedy

Rating: 12/20

Plot: A guy's life is ruined by a creature that grows out of him, offering him euphoric feelings in exchange for human blood.

"He needs the brains, but I need his juice."

This fun little horror-comedy from the damaged brain of the guy responsible for Frank Henenlotter doubles as a too-obvious metaphor for drug addiction. The too-obvious part is probably part of the gag.

Lots works here. The effects for this little creature work, and a lot of the humor does too. That little guy's first appearance--a surprise appearance in a mirror with a goofy "Hi!"--makes me smile just thinking about it. That's after an endless scene where the protagonist bleeds, sees an eye, and has his bedroom flooded. A scene with some meatballs and one where our beleaguered hero enjoys the colors at a junkyard are also fun. There are two music moments worth noting--a live performance by the Swimming Pool Cues in a club and "Alymer's Tune," a lovely little number sung by Alymer from a sink.

The weirdness definitely isn't paced very well. Some sequences go on and on, and there are some odd scenes that just don't seem to fit all that well. That's right, naked muscle guy in the shower--I'm looking at you. And yeah, I realize how what I just typed can be taken out of context. The acting is not very good. Rick Hearst gives a Bruce Campbell-esque performance as the lead. Theo Barnes is really terrible, bringing all these wacky histrionics. Barnes also gets a great death scene, histrionically wacky.

There is a Basket Case allusion here. It's fun.

The Last of England

1987 avant-silliness

Rating: 9/20

Plot: Not really much of one.

It's a good thing I took notes on this movie because it's almost instantly forgettable. Here are my notes:

"dry humping a painting as a prelude to the apocalypse--a veteran move"
"pan pipe as the world falls apart"
"shirtless guy with ballerina skirt and horns dancing around a fire"

Those were my notes.

I didn't enjoy this movie, and I don't think I enjoy Derek Jarman.

The Band Wagon

1953 musical

Rating: 14/20

Plot: An aging song 'n' dance man joins a pretentious stage production and falls for a dame.

Vicente Minnelli might not be for me. As a cinephile who loves color almost more than he loves anything else, it seems odd to say that Minnelli isn't for me. I enjoyed the colors in this one, too. Some shots dazzle with striking colors. A song-and-dance number in Central Park, the weird and noirish "Girl Hunt" sequence (especially a great shot of Astaire on a fire escape), the hyperactive colors at the arcade where Astaire gets a shoeshine, hotel wallpaper and furniture. There are lots of colors, and as a guy who likes colors, that alone makes this worth watching.

Actually, it's worth watching because of that shoeshine. This is a comedy that I can't imagine would make too many people laugh, but I lost it during this shoeshine sequence. Astaire starts singing about how wonderful shoeshines are, probably with the lyric "I like a good shoeshine because a good shoeshine is fine!" in there somewhere, and he and the shoeshiner started dancing flamboyantly and whipping towels around and circling the shoeshine chair while people watched. I started imagining that happening in real life and then couldn't stop laughing for over twenty minutes.

Fred Astaire seems completely unnatural in this when he's doing anything other than dancing. All of the male performers give pretty hammy performances actually. Cordona has a great Price-esque voice, more deliberately hamming it up because that's what his character is supposed to be, but with Astaire and that other guy, it's just a wackiness that makes them seem like the type of people who would be overly excited about getting a shoeshine. I did like both women in this. Cyd Charisse showed more versatility than even Astaire by dancing ballet, soft-shoeing in the park, and getting downright jazzy during that "Girl Hunt" bit. And I fell in love with these striking green gloves that she wore in one scene. And when she removes a coat and reveals this glimmering red dress, one that showed off a whole bunch of her lovely legs, in the "Girl Hunt" club? My, oh, my. I think I became a man at that stage.