Bad Movie Club: Tommy and the Cool Mule

2009 talking animal movie

Bad Movie Rating: 2/5 (J.D.: 2.5/5; Fred: 2/5; Josh: fell asleep; Lisa: fell asleep)

Rating: 6/20

Plot: A kid whose dad died in combat finds a talking mule that helps his family through all of their problems.

This should have been called Tommy and the Flatulent Mule. That is one gassy mule!

Tommy and the Cool Mule is almost good enough for the Hallmark Channel. There's real human drama on display in this family movie with dead fathers, teenage girls who really want tattoos, bullying, and financial problems. At the same time, this would be fun for the whole family because they can sit around and laugh at all the farting. Farting can bring the whole family together.

It's never really determined if the cool mule really talks or if it's the result of a few head injuries that Tommy the not-so-cool kid gets in the first quarter of the movie. He falls off a horse and bonks his head on the ground. He's clobbered in the noggin by a board while in a paintball war a few days after that. That's when he sees some dazzling special effects--twinkling colors--and meets his mule, who he later calls his best friend. The mule is naturally voiced by Ice-T who apparently has nothing better to do with his time these days. I expected the cool mule to throw out a "Fuck the police," but I was disappointed.

If you have told me in the early-90s that Ice-T would someday provide the voice of a talking mule in a family movie later in his career, it would have been hard to believe. I'd think, "Shouldn't that be the kind of thing Vanilla Ice is doing with his career? I think you've got the wrong Ice!" Before the movie started, I told my Bad Movie Club friends that I would likely shit my pants if the cool mule started rapping at any point. He sort of rapped at one point, and I sort of shat myself. Anyway, Ice-T's performance can only be described as inspired. As in--inspired to make an easy paycheck with an afternoon of work reading lines that he probably didn't even understand. "Lean into the barrel? What kind of motherfucking movie is this? Fuck the police!"

I have to give the movie credit because I really thought the dad was going to end up coming back to life or something. That didn't happen. A whole bunch of other stupid things happened, but at least that didn't happen.

Kevin Sorbo is also in this. He plays a villain named Dodge Daviss who has too many s's in his name and a wide variety of cowboy shirts. The mom was played by Siri Baruc. I don't know her at all, but I'll tell you one thing--her ass sure was talking to me.

I shouldn't type movie reviews this late at night. I apologize for all of the above.