Movies-a-Go-Go: Bram Stoker's Dracula

1992 vampire movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Bram Stoker's Dracula was a book. This is that same story in movie form.

My buddy Josh really wanted me to put this on my blog. Here are my stream-of-conscious thoughts as I watched it, I think for the third time. The first time was in a theater in Knoxville, Tennessee, with my girl I would eventually marry, and it really seems like the type of thing she would have hated. The second was probably a decade after that, and I liked it less. I think I probably like it even less now, probably because I'm a grown-up, unlike Francis Ford Coppola when he made the film.

Anyway, it's Movies-a-Go-Go time! I apologize in advance to anybody who reads this.

Josh is making me watch this. I’m down, but it’s only because Winona Ryder and Tom Waits are in it.

We start with some pretentious imagery, a brooding score, and a narrated history lesson that I probably don’t care about.

You get that, Dracula!

His armor looks like it’s made of cheap plastic. Is he a Masters of the Universe character?

Shadow puppets battle sequence! Say what you want about Coppola's overindulgence in these opening sequences, but this is pretty good looking.

A dude just got hoisted on somebody else’s petard, and it wasn’t a Wilhelm Scream, but it was very close to a Wilhelm Scream.

It’s all fun and games until somebody gets poked in the abdomen and lifted into the air. Or until that happens to seemingly everybody.

Cannonball, Elisabeta! Or whatever your name is.

Oh, no. It looks like she missed the river.

Were those gargoyles laughing at Gary Oldman’s overacting? I’m pretty sure they were.

I had to rewind this scene where Dracula stabs a stone cross and everything starts bleeding. I could have sworn that I heard a little squelchy fart sound, kind of like a car exhaust sputter in an old-fashioned cartoon. And you know what? I absolutely did hear that. Somebody actually thought that sound effect was a good idea here.

Dracula is doing communion all wrong.

Just speculation here, but how bad do you think Dracula would smell at this point? That ugly armor's got to just collect stench, right?

Renfield is deranged? What makes you think that? The fake accent or the bug eating?

Thanks, Keanu. It was so nice of you to make Tom Waits’ accent sound 100% authentic.

Tom Waits was happily married at this point, but this was right around the time when he won a Grammy for Best Alternative Rock Album which means Winona Ryder would have likely slept with him had he been interested. She likes her 90's alternative rockers.

Peacock or flower thing to train tunnel transition...that was pretty nice. This has a very comic book feel that I have a feeling is going to get really tedious pretty soon.

Your friend, D-bag.

I don’t know what to think of Oldman’s voice. It's the kind of thing you'd expect to hear in a Naked Gun-type of parody of a Dracula movie.

Oh, wait. There was already one of those.

Carriage guy with a basket on his head...what’s his story?

These over-the-top sound effects, almost like they come from that Disney record of scary sounds that I had as a kid, are probably supposed to be terrifying, but I can’t tell what Harker thinks. John Wick is so stoic here.

Man, there really isn’t a moment here where Coppola doesn’t have this turned up to 11, is there? He has letting his freak flag fly freely here!

Emperor Palpatine needed a second take there.

I guess if the stupid accent is giving you second thoughts about staying with this guy, that gigantic cape will make you feel just fine.

I’m listening with headphones, and I haven’t heard a squelchy fart in a while, but there’s all kinds of weird ambiance here. Coppola just isn’t letting up.

That joke about the blood was a good one, D.!

You offended D. with your ignorance, Keanu. And you’re offending me with your accent!

His palms are super-furry. Does that mean the Count masturbates too often?

This is so stylistically wacky, that it’s almost hard to believe this isn’t supposed to be comedic.

Of course he’s not married, Johnny Mnemonic! Didn’t you see his furry masturbation hands? What a dumb question.

You have no chance with Winona, D. You’re not an alternative rocker.

These two needed to play a little more Sound Ball before this scene where they’re looking at a pornographic Arabian Nights.

Only first base? Harker probably got there and Mina said, “Oooh, gross!” and made him stop based on her reaction to that book.

Young and fresh? You can tell that by the way he tossed that grape in his mouth. Just like a Texan!

I’m starting to think that Lucy is a whore.

Oh, the Lord Nugent’s Wyndom Club? [Note: I just watched this last night and have no idea what this even means.]

More guys with cages on their heads. That must have been all the rage in the late 19th Century.

“No one would refuse me a kitten!”

I’m probably biased, but I think Tom Waits is really pretty good in this. I wish he had a musical number though.

Harker seems like a major dumbass. I’m sure a lot of that has to do with Keanu, but he’s the least perceptive character I’ve ever seen in a movie. And he never seems to know what to do with himself when Oldman is doing his thing. There’s almost no reaction at all.

Wolves crack me up too, D.

“What sweet music they make.” And there, Gary Oldman sounds like a Saturday Night Live character.

There’s something weird to see in almost every frame of this thing. Or something weird to hear. It’s almost overwhelming, but I kind of dig it.

Was that supposed to be a boner? Dracula's wives seem like fun.

This Dracula wives sequence reminds me of a Howard Johnsons’ promotion from the early-80s.

"Guh! Guh! Guh! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Gaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Was that in the script or did Keanu just kind of improvise? Was this the product of Sound Ball? [Note: This reference likely makes sense to a single person--the only person who might be reading this.]

"Dearest Mina, All is well here. Except I just saw an old man and three shirtless women eat a baby. It made me say both guh and gaaaaaa. Love, Ted. Or Bill. Whichever one I was in that movie." [Note: It was Ted.]

Dracula awakening...that’s exactly how I get out of bed every Monday morning.

Harker’s letter is cold and unnatural? That’s not like him at all? Have you watched him during any of the scenes in this movie, Winona?

Fifty boxes of experimental earth? What’s that even mean? It seems like that should have raised suspicions.

Whoa! Mina and Lucy exchanging a kiss?

I could just watch Tom Waits play crazy for hours.

Wolf cam!

Werewolf Dracula might be a bit ugly, but that’s not going to stop horny Lucy from getting some. Soon, there won't be a man or monster or Winona in the vicinity of England or Transylvania who hasn't gotten a piece of that.

I could watch a bra-free Winona Ryder bounce down the stairs for hours.

Lucy appears to be sleep-whoring again.

Mina was disgusted enough by that cartoon in Arabian Nights. Watching Lucy and this wolf thing is going to be a little too much for her.

Whoa! Lookin’ good after popping out of that box, D.

That tophat/glasses combination makes you look like a bit of a dick though.

See you now? If only you could see your reflection. You might reconsider.

He’s flirting like a guy who hasn’t had much experience in 500 years.

A simple “My name is Prince. . .and I am funky” might have worked better, Vlad.

Dr. C-Word? Is he a gynecologist? [Note: I really wish the world could see this kind of wit that I have to offer.]

“Lucy, as your doctor, my diagnosis is that you are a complete whore.”

Mice in the attic stomping like elephants. And elephants in the basement walking around like mice! 

 “And may I say, Miss Lucy is hotter than a June bride riding bareback buck naked in the Sahara.” Why didn’t she pick that guy again? I mean, we know he has a huge knife.

 If I had a nickel for every time somebody asked me to watch my colonial tongue. . .

Mustache guy (not the Texan or the doctor) had a look in his eye like he knows Lucy’s about to get freaky and likes it. Or maybe that was the Texan. I'm getting my suitors confused, surprising since they're such well-rounded characters.

Hey, Mina. Vlad took you to a movie. You almost have to put out now.

#metoo

This wolf-loose-in-the-freak-show-slash-movie-house scene...I’m not even sure what the fuck is going on anymore. And these strings in the score are oppressive. I'm starting to get a little disgruntled.

From now on, I’m going to teach like Van Helsing and rearrange my classroom so that students can stand on raised platforms in a circle around me.

Civilization and symphilization! Good one, professor! I'm looking forward to appreciating the comic stylings of Anthony Hopkins.

I’m glad Van Helsing is here. This movie desperately needed another voiceover.

Sheeps? You’d think a genius doctor would know that the plural of sheep is sheep.

From what I’ve seen, it seems like Lucy is acting completely normal here.

Trituration? I’m going to have to look that one up. [Note: I'm not going to look that up.]

If I had missed a large chunk of this movie, I’d think Van Helsing and the Three Suitors here would be having a conversation that demonstrates they have no clue about the menstrual cycle.

“Absinthe is the aphrodisiac of the self.” Wait, is this a commercial?

Get Mina a little tipsy and she starts spouting out terrible poetry, I guess.

Yes, Mina. Usually princesses have faces. The absinthe has gone straight to Mina’s head!

Talking about the suicide of your former wife doesn’t seem like the best foreplay, but whatever works, guys.

Keanu’s going to be pissed when he finds out that he Shawshanked his way out of the castle while she’s Beauty-and-the-Beast dancing with his friend D.

Now Van Helsing is coming on to Mina? She must be irresistible.

“Tell Jonathan oceans of love.” Lucy has a violent fever of the brain, Mina. Don’t listen to her and tell him that.

These crying sounds are embarrassing, D.

Hopkins has certainly been better than he is here.

A bitch of the devil? I thought that was my mother-in-law. Ba-dum-dum.

Oh, snap! He just messed with Texas.

Oldman both looked and sounded like Palpatine there. “My power!” Just like Ian McDiarmid!

Van Helsing with some much needed comic relief at Lucy’s funeral. This guy's wacky!

“It is the man himself! Look! He’s grown young!” Those lines were as poorly delivered as lines can be delivered. I’m not even sure how Keanu got roles after people saw him in this movie.

OK, I might have laughed when undead Lucy dropped the child she was carrying.

Hopkins with a crucifix is a boner kill. Mustache was getting into it there.

That stake-through-the-heart-and-severed-head to meat-carving transition is the product of a disturbed mind.

Winona smells herself an alternative rock star!

Good luck sleeping, Mina, with all the Tom Waits screaming.

The Three Suitors and Van Helsing are kicking those boxes’ asses.

“I’ve wanted this to happen,” Mina says. We have something in common because I’ve always wanted to see Winona Ryder get it on with some green mist, too!

This “I am nothing” speech is the saddest admittance from a man that he suffers from erectile dysfunction that I’ve ever heard.

I’m starting to wonder if Oldman is the worst actor in this thing. This seems like a hot take.

How stupid did Oldman and Ryder feel during the filming of this bedroom scene? Especially when Van Helsing and the Three Suitors show up and she’s in the bed alone.

Peek-a-boo!

D.’s an ugly motherfucker.

I had to put this picture somewhere in here. 

Is it considered polyandry when one of your husbands is a hundred and twenty rats?

Hypnosis? Make her act like a chicken, Van Helsing!

OK, enough of this geography lesson, Keanu Voiceover.

This scene on the train between Harker and Mina is the most painful thing I’ve heard in a long while, and I saw the rest of this movie.

Random sheep bleating. I think the sound editor is pranking Coppola with a lot of this.

Half-vampiric Winona is 14% hotter than the non-vampiric one.

It’s like Coppola told her, “Winona, just jerk around a whole bunch and I’ll make it look really great in post-production.”

I’m hearing Yoko Ono. [Note: I looked the sound editor up. Tom McCarthy, likely prankster. He actually won an Oscar for his work in this, probably because the Oscar voters were drinking absinthe.]

I know a good name for Van Helsing’s horse...the Amazing Mr. Dead.

I sincerely apologize to anybody who read far enough to see that “Mr. Dead” line up there. [Note: Making it even sadder, I just added the "the Amazing" part up there because the afternoon after the night I typed that, I somehow thought that would make the whole thing better.]

What do you think about that "Mr. Dead" joke, Winona? 

This chase sequence is an assault on my senses.

Oh, they’ve got to the part of the video game level where they have to defeat the boss.

“We’ve all become God’s madmen. All of us.” I’m not sure that line makes a lot of sense here, but I like it.

This is almost exactly like the end of Edward Scissorhands.

Great, now I have to watch Winona Ryder make out with Gary Oldman’s severed head.

Oh, I guess not. That’s the end of the movie.

Yikes! This Annie Lennox song during the credits! It’s almost shocking that somebody didn’t chop off her head during the recording of this.

Josh better appreciate this.