1964 musical extravaganza
Rating: 18/20 (Jen: 17/20; Abbey: 14/20; Buster: 20/20)
Plot: A magical nanny and her friend Bert save Mr. Banks.
Buster wanted to see this after seeing commercials for the new one, the one where Mary Poppins returns. It had been a while since I'd seen it and thought it was a great opportunity for a little Movies-a-Go-Go action. So what follows contains my unadulterated thoughts as I watched Mary Poppins. My advice would probably be not to read any of it, but it's your choice.
Before this starts, I feel that I have to admit that this movie makes me horny and that watching this with my family might be awkward.
Actually, just thinking of typing the words “titular nanny" gets me hard.
Opening shots of a Dickensian London, and I’ve already got visions of chimney sweeps dancing in my head.
I imagine making love to Mary Poppins on a cloud would be similar to making love to Mary Poppins on a waterbed. I’d be fine with either.
Responstable? That’s not a word!
One-man band by day, chimney sweep--oddly enough--by night. Dick Van Dyke with that swampy accent also makes my heart go pitter-patter.
Van Dyke goes nuts with a boisterous solo! I’m just going to assume he won every single award manageable for his work in this.
I’m not actually sure if Van Dyke is a chimney sweep. Maybe he just hangs out with them. [Note: Memories were obviously sketchy at this point. To clarify--Bert has a variety of jobs in this, and one of them is indeed as a chimney sweep.]
Mrs. Banks’ feminist anthem isn’t exactly one of the most memorable songs in Mary Poppins.
When I was a kid, I thought all these Disney movies with David Tomlinson were in the same cinematic universe and that he actually played the same character. I was not a smart child.
Whenever I come home from work, I usually sing a song, too.
A crazy guy who fires a cannon from his roof must bring down the property values in your neighborhood.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Jane and Michael--a couple of little shits.
“Kites are skittish things.”
Sweet smoking jacket, Tomlinson!
I’d never condone child abuse, but this “nanny advertisement” song that Jane is singing is making me reconsider.
If I had a nickel for every time I hurt a child’s feelings after not showing enthusiasm after a stupid song, I’d have enough nickels to fill a sock that I could then use to beat a small child.
These women lined up to interview must have just come from a nanny funeral.
Poppins’ arrival--my God, that was sexy.
I beg to differ, Mary Poppins. I think Michael could be part-codfish.
In a deleted scene, Mary Poppins pulls a Marx brother out of her bottomless bag. I think it was probably Harpo.
This whole bottomless bag nonsense is the kind of thing that would have given Georges Melies a raging hard-on, by the way.
Christmas present idea: a tape measure that feeds my ego.
“In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.” Cleaning up a hotel room after Donald Trump has spent time with a prostitute? How about that job, Mary Poppins?
Mary Poppins broke into the Tiki Room and ripped off some of its occupants for this “Spoonful” sequence.
You should definitely wash up after you’ve handled a bird. The more you know…
These special effects are just magical.
Michael’s attempts-to-snap acting isn’t very good.
This mirror sequence with a pair of dueting Julie Andrews...man, oh man. My penis is moving just like that out-of-control jack-in-the-box. One Mary Poppins is almost more than I can handle, but two Mary Poppins?
Mary Poppins? Mary Poppinses? Mary Poppi?
“Chim-chim Che-ree” won the Academy Award for best song, I think. It’s also my personal favorite from this and one of my favorite Disney songs. We had a Disney karaoke thing a few years ago, and I did a pretty mean version of that one.
Now Van Dyke's job is "vandal."
Bert should probably be locked away. Dude’s certifiable.
Think, wink, double blink. Sounds like what I do when I masturbate. [Note: What is wrong with me?]
“Mary Poppins, you look bee-you-ti-full.” Yes, she does, Bert. Yes, she does.
I'm pretty sure the Monty Python boys borrowed Bert’s funny walk for one of their acts.
I’m kind of surprised a remake/reboot/sequel didn’t feature Jim Carrey in the Bert role.
Ummm, nanny. Jane and Micheal, the little shits you're supposed to be watching, have run off.
I think I just saw a sex scene between a cane and an umbrella.
No cartoon turtles were abused in the filming of this movie. But I can tell you that as a kid, this movie is probably responsible for giving me the idea to try to ride on turtles, something that turned out as disastrous as you'd guess it would.
Bert’s outfit sure is spiffy.
Watching cartoon swans swim over their reflection--man, these animators are masterful.
I’m not sure if it’s a good move to freestyle rap about all the women you’ve slept with while a quartet of penguins watch you on a date with Mary Poppins, Bert.
Oh, boy. Van Dyke and penguin dance sequence. My nine-year-old just asked me why I was crying. The wife is eyeing my suspiciously.
This whole sequence is really wacky when you imagine it as foreplay.
Calm it down, Michael. Nobody has THAT much fun on a carousel.
Why isn’t the carousel at Disney World a Mary Poppins carousel? The wife wants to know. My guess is that horses that fly off the merry-go-round would be considered too dangerous.
Now the movie has transformed into anti-hunting propaganda. It’s my Second Amendment right to shoot merry-go-round horses! Cold, dead hands, etc.
Did she just slap a jockey’s ass with an umbrella? I wonder how much I'd have to pay a Mary Poppins look-a-like for that sort of thing.
It’s a good thing all these horse race fans brought along their folksy instruments.
It must be exhausting to be Bert.
I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a person move in a movie like Dick Van Dyke in this one. The Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz might be the closest. My work-in-progress theory: Bert is part-scarecrow.
Ahh, the rain turned Bert’s art into Monets.
A lullaby with lyrics about staying awake. That’s pretty clever.
And totally arousing.
“Unseemly hullabaloo.” Mr. Banks might be a complete dick, but I like his way with words.
Uncle Albert played by Ed Wynn...what a voice! This scene, like almost every other one in the movie, is pointless, but how could a person not love it?
The part of this where Van Dyke and Uncle Albert are floating around, holding hands, singing, and giggling might be the gayest thing I’ve ever seen. I don't mean this in any negative way.
“What’s the name of his other leg?”
Mary Poppins just said, “Next, you’ll be expecting me to pour out.” I don’t even know what that means, but once again, I’m aroused.
Do you think Uncle Albert’s issue might be opium? It seems like it's opium.
The lesson having to do with gravity affecting the depressed more than others is more poignant than it should be.
It's been a while since I've taken a look at any of the Travers books, but I think I remember the floating scene being in one. As strange as this movie is, by the way, the books are a lot stranger. And a little darker. They're really worth checking out.
Mr. Banks only has one melody apparently.
“Consorting with racehorse persons.”
Michael and Jane are going to be disappointed when they find out what spending all day in a bank is actually like.
“Feed the Birds” is a song that should be covered a lot more. When I go on The Voice, I think I might audition with that one.
Maybe I wouldn’t suffer from insomnia if I had Julie Andrews sing me to sleep every night.
I’m wagering that a visit to the bank isn’t going to be nearly as delightful as a trip into a chimney sweeping swindler’s painting.
The bank architecture is so perfect here. It's a stark contrast to the more imaginative outing locales Mary Poppins and Bert take the kids to.
Van Dyke showing off his physical range as this old fucker.
You can see the rubbery edge of his old-man cap, however.
[I just read that Dick Van Dyke actually paid Walt Disney 4,000 dollars to play the part of the old banker. Interesting.]
Ok, I was wrong about the bank. This song about investing that they’re all singing with these elderly-men-choreographed dance moves really is delightful.
Mr. Banks’ expressions show that he really does think he’s giving his children a good time here.
Michael and Jane were very lucky that they didn’t get Jack-the-Rippered after their escape from the bank.
“It so happens that today I’m a chimney sweep.” You probably wouldn’t believe me, but I swear that is something I’ve said during foreplay before.
Bert is nearly as important to this movie as the titular nanny--there we go!--so this movie was probably pretty close to being called Bert.
There go Dick Van Dyke’s legs again! Somebody stop him! Smokin'!
We’ve got nobody to watch the kids, so let’s just ask this filthy chimney sweep we just met.
Because of Disney movies, I wanted to either be a race-car driver (Thanks, Dean Jones!) or a chimney sweep when I grew up.
What a beautiful rooftop shot there.
Julie Andrews with soot all over her face--still smokin’ hot!
Digging all this smoke and this gorgeous sky. Envious of the birds, the stars, and the chimney sweeps who get to enjoy this all the time.
This chimney sweep “Step in Time” sequence is still the most thrilling thing I’ve ever seen in a motion picture. Just try to argue with me.
That shot of Mary Poppins’ tapping shoes...so good.
With this setting, I keep expecting to see James Stewart chasing a bad guy across the roofs any second.
My wife: “Whose roof are they dancing on top of?” Who the hell did I marry?
Mary Poppins spin move reveals bloomers, and I’m spent.
Buster: “They’re going to fall.”
Me: “They’re chimney sweeps. They know what they’re doing.”
Mary Poppins trivia: 2 ½ chimney sweeps perished during the filming of this ridiculously dangerous dance sequence.
It’s bad enough that you cause mini-earthquakes with the shooting of a cannon from your roof, but that was the attempted murder of dozens of chimney sweeps.
Now that they’re in the house scaring the cook, a few of these chimney sweeps are looking a little rapey.
“It’s that Mary Poppins. From the moment she stepped into this house, things began to happen to me.” Me, too, Mr. Banks.
"Higgledly-piggedly."
Mr. Banks’ walk to the bank through a very foggy and very gloomy London probably goes on a little too long, but I wouldn’t want to lose a second of it.
Oooh, that swipe at Americans with that harbor tea comment. Throwing shade, Mr. Banks! Trump would not be happy to hear that kind of talk.
Bank people are ruthless when they fire you!
Where exactly was Mr. Banks all night after being canned? My only guess would be drinking with chimney sweeps.
I remember when my father sang a song similar to Banks’ “Let’s Go Fly a Kite” song. It was “Let’s go fish, you son of a bitch,” and wasn’t quite as catchy.
The semi-dark and artificial happy ending where Banks gets his job back--is that necessary? The happy ending is that he's connecting with his children, right? This is exactly the same problem that Crispin Glover had with Back to the Future.
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