"That stork had human feet. And it had a harelip."
'You know how to multiply ham sandwiches?"
"It's too bad I don't have billy goat nuts."
"I used to have a flappy dong, but it ain't flappy no more."
"Don't just eat a hamburger. Eat the hell out of it!"
"Don't go. I'm just shocked that you're a clone."
"You know, I'm freaky. I'll suck a wet door knob."
"Try not to suffer that much."
"The people in your dreams--you should call them when you're awake. It would make life simpler."
"This town's crawling with soldiers, sadists, and unknown poets."
"Tonight, I'm as horny as a ten-peckered owl."
"You take my word for it--that is an evil spoon."
"Oh, there's nothing in this life but mist."
"When an apartment cries, it takes a lot to mop it up."
"I have to think that everything that happens to me is my life. That's all. I'm sorry."
"Fuck no, I am not packing a spork."
"The only thing worse than being incompetent or being evil or being unkind is being indecisive."
"Caw caw bang fuck I'm dead."
"Do you think baby carrots feel pain?"
"He who has water buffalo grieves over his water buffalo."
"Ok, we'll have a bunch of horse Americans and sheep Americans."
"When a cold mama gets hot, boy, how she sizzles."
Squelchiest Movie of the Year
Kuso
Best Sound Effect
A rhythmically-rumbling chair in an art installation in The Square, loads of stuff in A Quiet Place, a killers breathing in Pieces, a fucking bird in James Nguyen’s Replica that is easily louder than anything else in the movie, a clock clicking or bell tolling in Welles’ The Stranger? Those are all good, but that water sound effect that accompanies a slideshow surprise in 45 Years wins this award.
Best Montage
The Bollywood-style skateboarding montage in Chan’s Wheels on Meals is entertaining, and Pocket Ninjas definitely had the most montages with the lamest training sequences you're likely to ever see.
The scream montage in Everything Is Terrible’s The Great Satan was a thing of beauty, however, so it wins. I mean, that is kind of what those folks do.
Best Mermaid
This one’s a tie! I liked the cute little mermaid in the Czech version of that story because of her big eyes and bigger hair, but I also really liked the recurring mermaid in dream sequences in Tully.
Best Monster
The big thing in the arena in Manborg
The minotaur in Dave Made a Maze
Any number of the stop-motion creations in Winterbeast
The creatures in Tremors
The Chooper, if that’s even a monster--I was never sure what was going on in that movie.
The Boggy Creek 2 monster and his son, not as scary as the backwoods rapey dude though
I'm disappointed that these are the only ones I have in my notes. Really, Winterbeast needs to be seen to be believed. We'll go with this fellow to represent the collective of monsters in that flick who can share the prize.
Best Use of a Puppet
Whatever magical animatronics used to make Brigsby Bear’s head work
A ventriloquist dummy with boobs in Garbanzo Gas
Lots in The Dark Castle, especially the Skeksis (the vulture-like bad guys), Aughra with her weird eye, or the cute little dog Fizzgig
Three cup puppets in The Lock In that the characters make and play with because apparently there was time to fill
The smoking main character in the abysmal Happytime Murders
The award goes to Dave Made a Maze for a scene when the characters turn into puppets.
Best Use of a Doll or Dummy
Come and See
The Corpse Grinders (the gravedigger’s wife’s doll)
A Night to Remember (a frozen “kid” being raised into a lifeboat from the icy waters)
Wolf Guy, when one is thrown off a cliff
Do I have to pick a winner? I’m really running out of gas here. Nobody cares if I don’t pick a winner in the “Best Use of a Doll or Dummy” category, right?
Best Animal Performance
Bird in I, Tonya
Peanuts the horse in Blood Shack
The monkey in King of the Kickboxers who doesn’t do a whole lot but is easily the best actor in the film
The mad dog (Mad dog!) in Boggy Creek 2
David Lynch’s turtle in Lucky
The fake Bart the Bear in Pete’s Dragon
A chimp in The Square, definitely the most surprising animal when it’s seen just walking in without any warning
Cats in Corpse Grinders
Guatemalan Handshake has a pair of great performances from a turtle and a dog
The dog in Love on a Leash
Lean on Pete from Lean on Pete, who even does a stunt
That crow (or was it a raven?) in The Hawks and the Sparrows
The camel in The Coca-Cola Kid is really good...a mouse and a bird are also solid.
Cherize’s dog in Young Adult
The horse being trained in The Rider...really that whole scene was just so good
Louisiana the Cat in The Lovers on the Bridge
The dog in White Dog, an animal with an incredible range of emotions
Essenc the dog in The Shop on Main Street
Panda the Dog (played by Woody) in Drugstore Cowboy
A rabbit in Kumiko, the Treasure Hunter
Butterscotch the miniature pony in Damsel from the same directors of Kumiko
The cool mule (voiced by Ice-T) in Tommy and the Cool Mule
The cat in Can you Ever Forgive Me?
The llama in Zama
If I see a movie with Bart the Bear, he’s winning this award. And I saw The Bear. Youk the Bear, by the way, is also really good.
Most Animals
Love on a Leash has more shots of ducks than a viewer can possibly count!
Most Flags
D’Curse. I wish we would have counted these.
Best Performance by a Person Pretending to Be an Animal
Now here’s a hotly-contested award!
There was exactly one moment in Johnny Knoxville's Action Point, another movie I don’t really want to admit that I watched, that made me laugh, and that involved a mascot having sex and later getting kicked in the balls.
I’m not sure if Cool Cat goes here or if he goes in Best Animal Performance. It’s really hard to tell.
In Madeline’s Madeline, the titular actress gets to act like both a sea turtle and a cat, and she really shines as a cat.
But I have to give this to the performance artist in The Square, a shirtless gorilla in a really intense scene. His name is Terry Notary. He might be acting like a chimpanzee. What do I look like, some sort of monkey expert?
Other Great Animal Moments I Want to Mention
Koko and Mr. Rogers getting to know each other in Won’t You Be My Neighbor?
Jack Jack vs. that raccoon in a fun scene in Incredibles 2
Dennis Hopper feeding pancakes to a raccoon (different than the one in Incredibles) in Human Highway
The big revelation in Sorry to Bother You
The slow-motion duck race in The Favourite
Best Animal Mask
The fishhead guy in The First Purge, the one armed with a squirt gun
Best Insects
Hellstrom Chronicle. Seriously, that movie is so cool!
Best Scene Involving Bestiality
One reader might be rooting for the scene in Bram Stoker’s Dracula, but I’ve got five words for that reader: Catherine Denueve and a gorilla. And that scene is in The Brand New Testament, not Bram Stoker’s Dracula.
Best Sex Scene
Take your pick in Blue Is the Warmest Color. There are plenty of long ones to choose from there.
The sex scene in Call Me by Your Name
Daniel-Day Lewis and that Pakastani guy going at it while the “uncle” and mistress are making out in the background of the shot in My Beautiful Laundrette
The juxtaposition of sex scenes in Final Cut
A lady with a severed head in the French short, “The Cold Head” (Thanks, Eric, if you’re reading this.)
Levitating sex with Alexander and with Maria in The Sacrifice, a scene preceded by the worst foreplay (a sad story about gardening and a haircut) in history
The recording-sound-for-porn scene in The Brand New Testament
“It’s too bad I don’t have billy goat nuts,” says a guy while watching animated goats doing the deed in Nuts!
A daughter having sex with her father, who is dressed like a mummy, in Singapore Sling
The daughter in Singapore Sling making love to a kiwi (Does this go in a different category?)
Vitti’s crazy love in Red Desert, contorting after insanity foreplay
Roberto Benigni and a mannequin in The Monster (maybe the funniest sex scene of the year)
A cacophony of orgasms in the hallway of sexual conquests in City of Women
Baby of Macon, one amidst the farm animals
Cow porn filming in The Happytime Murders (or the silly-string ejaculate scene shown in the trailer)
Funeral Parade of Roses, one accompanied with demented carousel music
Sound only--Nicholson and Ann-Magret in Carnal Knowledge, a slow tracking shot through an apartment to find the couple
Normally, the scene in Border where the audience gets to find out what troll sex looks like would be a winner in this category. But Orson Welles’ sex scene in the movie-within-a-movie in The Other Side of the Wind might be the very best thing I saw all year. The sound, the visuals. It’s a stunner!
Best Dispassionate Handjob
Emma Stone, The Favourite
Best Penis
Singapore Sling’s knife penis
Deadpool 2
Horse penis in Sorry to Bother You
The guy they’re laughing at in Supiria
The winner: The Lovers on the Bridge, a fantastic beach silhouette
Best Nudity
2018 has caused me to reconsider whether or not this award is a good idea.
Best Masturbation
Something should probably make me reconsider this award.
In Lemon, there’s an odd phone masturbation session (“What’s your favorite name?”).
In Blue Is the Warmest Color, there’s a dream with Adele writhing on a bed.
In Raw, a scene features a roommate jacking off to gay porn on his laptop.
In Terminal USA, there’s a “freak in the back bedroom” and a clever use of a rocking horse.
In Call Me by Your Name, Timothee Chalamet uses Armie Hammer’s swimming trunks in an interesting way but tops himself with a peach later on.
In Microbe and Gasoline, there’s a kid masturbating to a picture he drew and then banging his head on a desk because he couldn’t reach climax.
In Door in the Floor, there’s a kid who covers up children’s feet in a picture before pleasuring himself to a picture of Kim Basinger and nearly getting busted.
In Men and Chicken, there’s a character who is a chronic masturbator, but the best moment is right after his romantic date, an overhead shot in a bathroom.
In Pump Up the Volume, Slater fake-masturbates in a pair of scenes, once while “Love Comes in Spurts” is playing.
In Tag, there’s threatened masturbation with a stuffed bear.
In Bad Moms (which I don’t remember watching), a husband is caught by his wife.
In Kings of the Road, there’s a masturbating projectionist.
In 8th Grade, a kid pleasures himself during a “lit” sex-ed video.
In The Devils, there’s plenty of nun masturbation, and a confessor climbing a ladder to spanks his proverbial monkey while observing a possession orgy.
In Private Life, Paul Giamatti gets to show off his slapstick skills in a post-masturbation sequence while trying to conceive.
In The Favourite, there’s a pervert in a carriage.
And in Damsel, Robert Pattinson follows a lovely rendition of his “Honeybun” song by furiously masturbating by a river to a picture in a locket of his loved one.
Congratulations, Timothee Chalamet! And congratulations, peach!
Hottest Scene of the Year
Harry Dean Stanton doing yoga in his boxers in Lucky.
Best Golden Shower
A tie! Singapore Sling and Let the Corpses Tan both have good ones.
The “Thanks for the New Fetish, Movies” Award
Naked women in high heels. Thank you to Indecent Desires for that one.
Best Poop
There was a lot of a poop in Kuso and Stanfield was covered in fecal matter in a game-show scene in Sorry to Bother You.
The winner goes to Kings of the Road with Rudiger Vogler. It’s such an iconic defecation that I should probably just rename this award The Vogler.
Best Scene Involving Urine
Ryan Reynold’s character in The Hitman’s Bodyguard (an underrated comedy) is introduced urinating in his car.
Two sisters seeing how far they can “shoot” in a rooftop peeing scene
A roller rink accident, a kid who has peed himself surrounded by cones in Guatemalan Handshake
Bryan Cranston pissing outside a car in Carrell’s yard while barking in Last Flag Flying
First Reformed has what I can only describe as cancer pee
Bacon urinates off a cliff at the very beginning of Tremors
The main character and brother-in-law urinate outside right before a cock crows in The Shop on Main Street
The girl in Crooklyn takes a somnabulistic leak on a floor
Sweetie in Sweetie, squatting down next to a car almost in a protest
And a character dies while urinating in Damsel
I'm not going to pick a winner. This whole endeavor has brought me to a level of depression that I haven't reached in a very long time.
Best Fart
Selma Hayek, The Hitman’s Bodyguard (mostly because there’s absolutely no reason for it to even happen)
Living in Oblivion
Early Man
Garbanzo Gas, naturally (this one is what I’d describe as a spinning fart assault)
King of the Hill (“I have something to tell you.” “What?” Fart!)
Ice-T as Cool Mule (three times)
Sweetie in Sweetie with attack flatulence from a tree house
The winner is Love on a Leash with a lady trying on a dress.
Things That Would Probably Annoy My Wife Is She Read My Blog
The delight I took in a particular lesbian scene in Blue Is the Warmest Color
My excitement from seeing Sally Hawkins in Paddington 2
My claim that I’m as “gay as they come” (write-up for Call Me by Your Name)
My obsession with Daniel-Day Lewis
The admittance that I love unclothed backsides
How much I imagined Derek Savage and Cool Cat’s mom engaged in sexual intercourse
That I may have been sexually aroused by an animated dog (again)
My man crush on The Rock and obsession with his arms
That “oh, mama” with Marie-France Pisier in the Trans-Europ Express review
Not being able to stop thinking about Juliette Binoche’s bathing scene in Lovers on the Bridge
The ease of my ogling with Irene Jacob
Both my camel infatuation and Kidman’s nipple love with Queen of the Desert
My desire to see Chris Pratt (charming, with dimples) having sex with a dinosaur
Being turned on because of a fetishized Chrysler at the beginning of Quiz Show and hoping she didn’t notice
Wanting to experiment with fear powder in order to stare at Catherine Jourdan in her short little skirt
The fact that I’m sexually aroused by Kanga, Winnie-the-Pooh’s friend
That I wrote about how she didn’t want to see Christopher Robin because she doesn’t like science fiction or time travel movies even though she told me not to mention it to anybody
Being upset that lice didn’t actually lead to a cat fight in The Emigrants
How much time I spent looking at pictures of Jane Fonda
That I could only find one movie I really wanted to watch on a porn site
Spending too much time writing about sex with Maleficent
My theory about how fairies have likely made me impotent
Grossest Scene I Saw in a Movie This Year
Kuso was filled with grossness, but there’s something about that scene in Cronos where an old guy licks blood off a bathroom floor. Here--you can all enjoy it.
Best Vehicle
The hot dog card with a ventriloquist dummy head in Roadkill wins although I also liked the firetruck in Fahrenheit 451, the little peddle things in the underwater scenes in the Karel Zeman Jules Verne movie, and the flying spaceship bucket thing in Kin-Dza-Dza.
Best Movie Walk
Be in Kin-Dza-Dza
Wiseau, absolutely ridiculous in those shoes and baggy pants in Best F(r)iends
All the characters walking in place in front of a green screen laboratory in Replica
Pacino's swagger, Panic in Needle Park
Four worthy nominees, but this is Wiseau’s award!
Best Gum Chewing
Pacino’s jaw can have this one for its work in The Panic in Needle Park.
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