A Talking Cat!?!

2013 talking cat movie

Rating: 2/20 (Emma: 4/20; Abbey: 3/30)

Plot: The titular cat!?! brings a pair of families together.

"Is that a cat?" You'd be surprised how many times that line is in this movie. This is a movie about some people who apparently have never seen a cat before. And that's weird because there are several times when the cat gets up and walks away and you can clearly see cat food on the floor. That leads me to believe that these are people who have cat food but who aren't sure what a cat looks like. And that's the real mystery of this movie. This is one of those movies where all the pieces come together so imperfectly to produce something so beautifully awful that you want to tell everybody you know about it. The acting isn't the worst that you'll ever see, but combined with everything else, it seems almost magical. The worst offender is Eric Roberts who provides the voice of the cat. The cat is fine, but Roberts sounds like he was locked in a closet, fed nothing but vodka and oatmeal pies, and forced to read his lines. He mostly sounds tired, and when he doesn't sound tired, he sounds bored. When he doesn't sound tired or bored, he sounds like he has come to a point in his life where he despises himself and his maker. Johnny Whitaker isn't a realistic father or millionaire, but he's got a soul patch and does a great Bogart impression. Justin Cone is awful as his son, surly and effeminate in cut-off jeans. He nails one line though: "I did see a cat--that one!" Soap star Kristine DeBell is just as bad playing a character who doesn't need oven mitts when taking things out of an oven. She does play exasperated well, probably because that's how she feels about having to be in this movie. The music is also terrible, and whoever scored this thing should be put to death immediately. I know that sounds harsh, but we're talking about somebody who threw a MIDI version of "La Cucaracha" in this thing. This is clumsily written and poorly paced. I was convinced halfway through that this was possibly written in under a half an hour. Cheese puffs were mentioned extraneously, the explanation of the cat's powers of human speech were never explained in a way that made sense, and the human characters seemed to have been created by people who have never heard human beings interact with each other before. Most impressive of all might be the special effects that allow the cat to talk. I was confused about whether the cat was "talking" to the human characters telepathically, but the magic of special effects made it clearer later with an animated black mouth. Dreadful, the kind of special effect that makes you feel sorry for everybody involved in the production of this so that you start weeping in front of your daughters. This is the type of movie that is around ninety minutes but seems like it goes on for ninety days, sad since it was really about twenty-five minutes of movie padded with random shots of a waterfall and some trees. In fact, the only thing that might have been in the movie more than nature shots were shots of the cat's butt hole. That thing popped up so many times in this movie that I began to wonder if it was intentional.

Good news: A Talking Pony!?! is in post-production. It features DeBell and Whitaker, so it must be a sequel. Also, director David DeCoteau has a movie in post-production called My Stepbrother Is a Vampire!?! I almost wish I was making the punctuation up.

It's possible that I'll see a worse movie this year, but this is a strong Manos contender right now. And Roberts, in a voice-acting role, just could grab himself a Torgo. He's really that bad here.

Amelie

2001 romantic comedy

Rating: 19/20 (Jen: 17/20)

Plot: An awkward, introspective waitress in Paris decides to become a good-deed doer, and after she gets the hang of that, she decides to help herself.

This little feel-good movie of the century seems impossible to not love. It's refreshing, like lemonade washing over you without any of the stickiness. Amelie is as cute as a peach, and Tautou just nails this quirky and lovable character. The direction is as flamboyant as you'd expect and want from something Jean-Pierre Jeunet had anything to do with, and although the surface of this story is as simple as it can possible be, its diversions are so much fun. This is definitely a case where the "Where the characters go" doesn't matter nearly as much as "How the characters get there," the latter keeping this movie fresh no matter how many times you watch the thing. Along the way, there's a tiny bit of animation, fun camera play, some narration, a lawn gnome, and a sex montage that is as much a whimsical treat as my favorite scene in Delicatessan. Oh, and I just love the music of Yann Tiersen here. Even though it wasn't written specifically for this movie, the music matches the visuals so well. Another of my favorite little things about this movie: Amelie and Nino don't have any face-to-face dialogue in this movie. There's just something so precious about that. Ah, precious! That's a good word to describe this one. It's almost a fragile little movie, so delicate that I fear somebody with big clumsy hands might come along and accidentally break the thing. This is definitely not a movie for people with big clumsy hands.

As far as I know, this is still my brother's favorite movie.

Rocky Balboa

2006 sequel to a sequel to a sequel to a sequel to a sequel to an original good movie

Rating: 11/20

Plot: The titular former heavyweight champion of the world is adjusting to a new life as a retired athlete whose fame has withered away, a restaurant owner who owns a burgundy jacket, and, sadly, a widower. That's right. They'll killed off Adrian, probably because of some contract dispute with Talia Shire. There's a fire burning (boynin' as Mickey would have said) inside Rocky, and he longs for one last chance in the ring even though he's in his 90s and can't find those ridiculous red, white, and blue shorts still drenched with his buddy Apollo's junk sweat. The new champion, a cocky and unchallenged Mason Dixon (seriously?), becomes disturbed when ESPN boxing analysts suggest that Rocky was a better fighter with a virtual match between the two proving them right. Rocky agrees to an exhibition match. Cue theme music/workout montage!

The best thing about this movie is that it isn't the last movie. This is the first one of these sequels where we don't have to watch a big chunk of the previous movie, presumably because they were all embarrassed by Rocky V. "What? This is how we ended it?" This makes for a more fitting end for our character (though a part of me was hoping this would end in his death) but it really feels like they've dug up a dead horse so that they could beat on it. Like a pinata, hoping that candy or maybe even money will come out. Everything that reminds me of the other movies feels tired, and everything that is different isn't really different. For example, Adrian's gone, but this movie still manages to have her stink all over it. His restaurant's got pictures of her all over the place, and there's a sickening scene where Rocky returns to his old crib and says "I remember when she was standing there" which of course makes an Adrian ghost appear. In the years that have passed since the last movie, Paulie's become a complete cartoon. My favorite Paulie moment is when he's rambling, "I got a watch! I got two watches!" I wasn't sure if that was comedy or tragedy so I laughed and cried at the same time. Another nice Paulie moment:

Paulie: Are you made because your wife left you?
Rocky: She didn't leave me. She died.
(Blubbery weeping)

Mason "The Line" Dixon (seriously, they really went with this?) has the boxing chops, but doesn't have nearly the personality of any of Rocky's other opponents, even Tommy Morrison in that last pitiful movie. There's the obligatory training montage where you get to see Rocky do all the stuff that he did in the previous movies when he was much younger. He even runs up those steps, this time with a dog. Here, it just seems like an excuse to show off how good Stallone thinks he looks as a guy in his 60s. Speaking of that, something artificial has to be going on there, right? And speaking of artificial, I didn't buy the father/son stuff in this. And where was Rocky's son anyway? You're telling me that they could get Skip Bayless in this, but Stallone's son was too busy? And holy cannibalism! There's Mike Tyson's tattoo! Iron Mike gets to say, "You got that midget with you right there!" which makes me wonder why the heck anybody would let Tyson improvise in a movie. And once you've thrown Mike Tyson talking about midgets in a movie, you have nowhere to go but down, so the boxing match that takes place afterward is anti-climactic. I'm not a boxing expert, but I'm pretty sure this fight would have been stopped in the 2nd. This lays the theme on so thick that the whole thing seems like an over-icing'ed cake collapsing under its own weight. It's like a very small cake, a heaping layer of Adrian, a layer of father/son, and at least five layers of redemption.

My two favorite things about this movie: Rocky's new quirk--a "How ya doin?" long after a "How ya doin?" is appropriate in a conversation. He does it twice. And the second is Angela Boyd's performance as "crazy woman who turns all gangsta in the bar" which is quite possibly the worst performance from any of the Rocky movies. And that's saying something! "A fool? I'm the fool? You're the fool!"

Rocky II

1979 sequel

Rating: 12/20

Plot: The world champion's pissed following the improbable conclusion to the last movie. People are questioning whether Creed really deserved the decision, and his ego can't take it. He pressures our titular hero into a rematch. Rocky's reluctant, and his manager and wife aren't happy with the idea. Family pressures and an inability to read become other obstacles that Rocky must overcome, and there's only one thing that can save him--a leather jacket with a tiger on it!

I'll argue that Rocky inexplicably seems more lucid the more he gets hit in the head, but that tiger jacket? Nobody in his right mind is going to see that thing and think it's a good idea. He also proposes to Adrian ("Yo, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind marrying me very much."), clumsily, at the zoo in front of a tiger who looks to be embarrassed that he has to be in the movie, and Gazzo's driver in the first movie told us that the zoo is where retards like to go. Remember: driver's words; not mine. Later, we get the classic "I never use condominiums" line, Rocky's admittance that he can't "tell time real good" [sic], and the reading "It makes me smeal mainly" from a cue card. And there's that Tarzan yell again, something that's got to be scripted. So the answer to another character's question "Do you think you had brain damage?" would still have to be a definitive yes, but his brain still seems stronger than it did in the first movie, a trend that will oddly continue through the first four of these movies.

This is very much a case of "second verse, same as the first." We start by showing the end of the first movie again, something that happens in all the rest of these Rocky movies and in The Karate Kid II. There are more Jesus allusions, and the biggest difference is that we get a more offensive, improbable Hollywood feel-good ending. Now, I'm not a boxing expert (there was a time when I did watch a lot of boxing though), and I've never even been in a fight, but I might know more about the sport than Stallone's character here. If somebody is punching me, I'd at least know to put my hands up and protect my face. The boxing match that ends this chapter in the story could only happen in a movie. But more offensive than that to my sensibilities is the whole Hollywoody Adrian coma nonsense even though we get to see a premature baby with more hair than Mickey and hear what might be the worst poem ever recited on film. Am I a bad person for laughing during that scene? I like that the Apollo Creed character has two sides here--the showman and the more classy other side. And initially, I thought Burgess Meredith's Mickey was going to save this thing. The more Mickey we got--"He'll hoit ya poymament!"; "A good snarl can give you what the Bible calls a psychological edge."--the better. Later, I changed my mind about that as Mickey turned into more of a parody. Still, Burgess Meredith is the best thing about this movie.

My idea for how this should have ended: At the 1:30 mark, while Rocky is running and being chased by about a thousand children, he's struck by a truck and dies instantly. That would have saved us all from a lot of nonsense.

One more thing: I'd like to live in a place where guys sing around burning trashcans.

The Karate Kid

2010 remake

Rating: 12/20 (Abbey: 15/20)

Plot: Same as the 1984 version of The Karate Kid except the thirty-five year old "kid" Ralph Macchio has been replaced with Will Smith's daughter. Oh, and it takes place in China and has a Lady Gaga song replacing that Joe Esposito "You're the Best . . . Around" song.

When I was a kid, I was in a book with Grover, the Sesame Street Muppet. My mom or grandmother or somebody had sent away for it. It had my picture in it, and Grover used my name. And you can bet that I felt special as a seventeen-year-old kid, the only boy in my high school who co-starred with Grover in a picture book! I imagine this version of The Karate Kid is a lot like that only Will Smith's daughter's parents have a lot more money to spend on the project. The story is nearly identical, cheesy layer after cheesy layer. I think it might (shockingly) have even more montages though. The incomparable Jackie Chan replaces the incomparable Pat Morita, and the fight scenes are, and this is no compliment, a bit flashier. The big climactic "Crane" thing from the first movie is replaced by something incoherent and goofy, and probably because of the 1984 movie, I knew it was coming and just had to sort of wait for it in agony. "Oh, I bet Will Smith's daughter is going to try to pull that off in the tournament," I groaned. Jaden Smith isn't awful, even with all the bad lines she's forced to read, and the endless training montages looked authentic enough. The kung-fu aficionado in me probably liked those best. That whole jacket thing didn't quite have the impact that "Wax on/Wax off" had though. I also liked the lone fight scene with old man Jackie Chan beating up some children although I wished those children would have been dressed as skeletons. The biggest problem I had with this remake was its length. At five hours and twenty-three minutes, it just seemed a little long. I probably could have done without the couple hours of violin recitals and the montages could have been cut in half from fourteen to seven. I think Will Smith should have his daughter remake Teen Wolf next, by the way. Or maybe the three Back to the Futures! Hell, Jackie Chan could even take Christopher Lloyd's Doc Brown in that one, right?

Cinderella Man

2005 boxing movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Jim Braddock loves punching people in the head. For a while during the late-1920s, he is really good at it and getting paid. Then, he breaks his hand. And everybody gets depressed. And he can no longer find anybody to pay him to punch people in the head. He desperately searches for work so that he can keep his wife and children fed and warm. A few years later, his manager gets him a one-fight offer, essentially to get paid to be knocked out for the first time by the then number two heavyweight contender. Improbably, he wins, and the performance puts him back in the spotlight as a legitimate contender to the heavyweight crown and as a people's champion.

Anybody who wants to make a derivative feel-good sports movie that teeters on edge of the Cliff of Over-Sentimentality starring the oft obnoxious Russell Crowe and the always obnoxious Renee Zellweger should watch this Ron Howard joint first to see how to get it just right. I was surprised that I liked this as much as I did, twice as much as Rocky and just as much as the original Karate Kid II. Crowe and Zellweger, as usual if I want to be fair, have fine, restrained performances, and it's so easy to root for them. There are several times in this story when poorly written dialogue or over-emoting could have made me vomit all over the boxing gloves and shiny pink trunks I wear when I watch boxing or boxing movies. (Yes, it's difficult to eat popcorn with boxing gloves on.) But the fears and worries, Crowe's when he has difficulty bringing home the bacon and Zellweger's whenever she pictures her man coming home with less head than he started out with, are restrained and authentic. Paul Giamatti, as Braddock's manager, tops both the leads with a great character and lines that he really gets to sink his teeth in. I also like a lot of the minor details, especially the ones that showed Braddock's relationship with his children. The Depression-era period detail paints a grim picture, and the boxing matches are brutally realistic and exciting. I did think the stuff with Braddock's friend and co-worker Mike, a sort of foil for the protagonist, could have been developed a little better, and I almost thought Craig Bierko's Max Baer was overly antagonistic almost to the point of silliness. I'm not exactly a boxing aficionado (Is Jorge Paez still around? That guy was my favorite!) so maybe Max Baer was actually just like that. This might not be the type of movie I love, but I wouldn't hesitate to recommend this, even to folks who don't necessarily like boxing.

The Rookie

2002 Disney movie

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Jim Morris's dream of pitching in the major leagues ended because of a shoulder injury. The injury, aside from making it impossible for him to pitch, also strangely left him with the ability to make only two facial expressions--a kind of disappointed one and a befuddled one. He gets a high school teaching and coaching job and promises his team that if they start winning, he'll try out for a major league baseball team or, as a sort of compromise, try out for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Suddenly, this forty-year old can throw ninety-eight miles per hour, faster than he threw when he was in his twenties. He works his way through the Rays minor league system and makes his debut for the big league club in Arlington. There's a bunch of stuff about his family and his dad in there, too. And he talks on the telephone a lot.

This is a movie that manages to make baseball boring. As well as father/son relationships. And living your dream. It makes that boring, too. I'm pointing my big but slightly drooping foam finger at Dennis Quaid, an actor whose lack of range made it really difficult to for to have any interest in his character or his story. It's too bad because the story of the real Jim Morris is an interesting enough footnote in baseball history. This telling of it, unfortunately, is really sappy. Even George Brett would tell you there's too much pine tar on this bat. By the time you wade through all the dopiness, all the extended conversational treacle, and all the lengthy shots showing Dennis Quaid attempting to make a different facial expression, the interest is gone. With a story that wouldn't be believable if I didn't know it was based on a true story, The Rookie is a typical and painfully average sports movie.

Even George Brett would tell you there's too much pine tar on this bat? I don't like to toot my own proverbial horn, but that's award-worthy shit right there. I should be nominated for. . .well, something.

The Man without a Past

2002 Aki Kaurismaki movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Arriving in a new town, our protagonist is attacked by some thugs, beaten very badly, and robbed. He loses his memory and tries to put some kind of life together--getting a home in a sort of shanty town, repairing a juke box, finding employment, and hooking up with a Salvation Army worker.

Ho-hum. Another great Aki Kaurismaki movie. I can't quite place my finger on it, but there's something a little different about this one than the previous three I've seen this year. The pacing is the same, the camera still doesn't move, the comedy is just as dry, the romance is still quirky, the characters are still awkward, and the ending is similarly sweet, but there's something different. Nevertheless, another great one. If I could watch nothing but Aki Kaurismaki movies for an entire month, I'm not sure I'd mind. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I can even find any more.

Buster Keaton Saturday: Seven Chances

1925 comedy

Rating: 15/20

Plot: Poor Jimmie and his financial broker partner are facing financial and reputational ruins as well as jail time. Luckily, a lawyer pops by to inform Jimmie that he stands to inherit seven million dollars from his grandfather. Unluckily, he can only inherit the fortune if he is married by 7:00 on his 27th birthday which, because this is a movie, is that very day. Jimmie, his partner, and the lawyer rush around to find a willing bride.

The first half of this is very sweet, funny enough, and perfectly ordinary. I like the story just fine and Keaton and (especially) Snitz Edwards who plays the lawyer are great. But Harold Lloyd or really anybody else could have starred in it. It's a good first half of a movie, but it doesn't really seem like a Buster Keaton movie. Then, a scheme of his partner's draws about a thousand potential brides to a church which sets off a more typically Keaton chase scene, reminiscent of the short "Cops" but with blushing (and ticked off) brides taking the place of the po-po. It's always fun to watch quick little Buster dart around, and his athletic prowess is definitely on display during those last twenty minutes. Interestingly enough, I think I was more amused by that first half. The jokes work well although there are way too many title cards.

Because I couldn't find the remote control and was too lazy to get out of bed, I also watched the two shorts on this dvd. "Neighbors" (1920) is a very good and very funny short with sort of a Romeo and Juliet story, kind of like Our Hospitality but in the city. It's stuffed with stunts which makes it one of the more cartoony Keaton shorts. There's also a great gag involving pants, and there's another one of those terrific how's-he-doing-that moments. Keaton's father plays his character's father in this one. "The Balloonatic" (1923) is also worthwhile despite its made-up-as-we-go plotline. The Buster vs. the wild scenario that makes up the bulk of the short is fine, but it probably didn't help I watched it after the superior "Neighbors."

The Kid Brother

1927 silent comedy

Rating: 16/20

Plot: The Hickory family--the sheriff, two tough-guy sons, and one Harold Lloyd--is an important family in Hickoryville. Harold falls for Mary, a woman who rolls in with a medicine show and has to use his wits, since he doesn't have the brawn, to get back the town's money that has been stolen by fiends and save his father's reputation.

Solid tale with some fun moments. The problem with Harold Lloyd though is that he's not Buster Keaton or Charlie Chaplin. Too bad for him. I did really like the sweet moment following the scene where Harold meets Mary in which he climbs a tree, and I really like the music in this one although that does become a little redundant. There's a very lengthy fight scene on a boat that, although humorously endless, has some great moments. And The Kid Brother not only has a monkey but the monkey from Chaplin's The Circus and Keaton's The Cameraman that Dylan said was his favorite actor. That still didn't pull him down here to watch it with me though. It's not the monkey's most brilliant role.

Night at the Museum

2006 family comedy

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Unemployed Larry Daley is a disappointment to his son. He manages to land a job as a night security guard at a museum but discovers the exhibits come alive at night because of some Egyptian gold tablet thing or something. Just as he starts to get the hang of controlling things at the museum, he finds out that he also has to stop criminals from stealing the Egyptian gold tablet thing. All while simultaneously winning the affections of his son and the pretty tour guide! Go, Larry Daley, go!

I think there's a clever premise here, but it too often takes these nose dives into these chasms of stupidity. Why does Teddy Roosevelt need to have a crush on Sacagawea, for example? Why does the Easter Island head demand gum? There are some funny moments, but there are more occasions when the story is cliched and predictable or the gag goes on for too long. At times, this thing sparkles with life and is both fun and kid friendly, but at other times there is way too much going on and the action gets chaotic and distractingly unbelievable. There's a mean monkey, too, and I just can't tolerate mean monkeys. Mickey Rooney might be the best thing about this movie although I also liked Ricky Gervais as the museum's manager/director/whatever-they're-called and Steve Coogan and Owen Wilson as miniature gladiator and cowboy. This is a big loud movie (the kind of movie I watch parts of in pain, just wishing it was a silent comedy), and perhaps the nicest thing I can say about it is that it wasn't as awful as I thought it would be. I'd also not object to seeing the upcoming sequel.

This was a school movie. I suggested Buster Keaton movies instead, but my colleagues weren't interested.

The Last Laugh

1924 silent German drama

Rating: 17/20

Plot: An aging man immensely proud of his job as a ritzy hotel doorman, along with the accompanying big-buttoned uniform that he gets to wear, shows up to work one day to find out that he has been demoted because of a misunderstanding on the previous night. Because of his many years of service, the hotel gives him a job in the washroom. Stripped of his uniform, he can't face being also stripped of his dignity and steals the uniform back to hide the loss of his job and status from his wife and his neighbors.

This is a much, much better film if stopped before the epilogue. I happened to love the downer that was the real ending even though there is a really nice one-shot sequence where the camera moves from patron to patron to waiter to patron to waiter in a crowded fancy restaurant that is really cool. Really, everything up to that point in this Murnau film is about perfect. The acting, especially from the lead, is spectacular for 1920's drama, so good that not a single title card is even needed to tell the story. Of course, it's not just the acting that tells the admittedly simple story here. The camera actually does most of the work, and it's amazing to see a 1924 film in which the camera does this much work. The fluidity (especially), the creative angles, the effects, the zoomings in and out. Impressive and undoubtedly influential stuff. Seriously, find me a camera that moves this much in the first half of the 20's. The set is also worth mentioning, a beautifully realistic construction of a city with towering and leaning buildings. Also impressive is the use of lighting and shadow in the movie. Along with the setting changes--the literal placement of our protagonist--the lighting mirrors the temperament of the unfortunate ex-doorman. My favorite scene--when the wife discovers her husband's secret and runs away screeching. It probably wasn't meant to be funny, but I couldn't help myself and may have chuckled.

Slumdog Millionaire

2008 best picture

Rating: 12/20 (Jen: 16/20)

Plot: On the verge of winning 400 billion rupees on Indian's version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, Jamal is arrested on the suspicion that he is somehow cheating. As the police sergeant watches the show with Jamal and questions him on how he knew the answers, his biography unfolds and we watch him growing up with his brother, becoming an orphan, and falling in love.

I really sort of hated this movie. If your favorite part a movie is the montage (fragments of a story told visually with some really terrible background music), then this is the movie for you because the entire movie seems like a two-hour montage. The story stutters along in a clumsy way that ends up getting really predictable and leaving me completely unsatisfied. I really hated the way the film looked. The jump cuts, the angles, some handheld stuff, unnecessary camera movements, the oddly-placed subtitles, the colors. Along with a deafening soundtrack that went great with voices that were nearly inaudible at times, the movie actually made me a little sick to my stomach. Everything was so loud and modern, both sonically and visually. The romantic plot (and accompanying themes) are nearly offensive, but I did like the ideas about how knowledge is shaped by our experiences. I also liked the acting for the most part, especially since a large percentage of the cast was children. I really liked the guy who played the Indian Regis Philbin. This movie tries to be ultra-pessimistic and feel-good at the same time and winds up a choppy, annoying mess that I ain't falling for. I'm shocked that this won best picture.

Son of Rambow

2007 dramatic comedy

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Will lives a sheltered existence under a protective God-fearing mother's thumb. He's forced to sit in the hall whenever teachers at school show videos, and he reads Bible verses in front of movie theaters as some form of protest against violence in cinema. It's during one of his classroom movie times that he meets little hellcat Lee Carter who exposes him to a pirated copy of the first Rambo movie and opens the already imaginative Will Proudfoot's eyes to a new exciting world. They form a special bond and work together to make their own Rambo-esque movie.

Sopping wet with sentimentality and with characters I unfortunately just didn't care about that much, this really could have been a lot better. There are some nifty touches--some quirky characters, some animated fantasy bits--but this just sort of plods along, never rising above anything more than a quirky novelty until it abruptly changes into a feel-good story about friendship and family. Too bad. I really wanted to like this one.

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

2007 family film

Rating: 11/20 (Emma: 17/20; Abbey: 19/20; Dylan: Missed 1st 20 minutes and stubbornly refused to rate)

Plot: Approaching 250 years of age and on his last pair of shoes, the title proprietor of a magical toy store is ready to leave the earth. He's passing his legacy to the store's manager, Natalie Portman. But will the departure of Magorium cause the store to lose its wonder? Can a little kid who collects hats and a workaholic accountant help save the store?

There are things I really wanted to like about this. Lots of potential. Unfortunately, it ended up looking like a strangely half-assed production, extremely predictable and trite. I'm most offended by the terrible puns and schmaltz, but there are also some special effects that were just embarrassing. The movie also jars you with whimsical but pointless dopiness butted up against forced poignancy and reflective bits of dialogue. The scene that typifies the movie? Natalie Portman's character laughs at Dustin Hoffman's character as he dances on bubble wrap for approximately twenty minutes. I'm not sure if I'm exaggerating or not, but exaggerating doesn't seem like something I ordinarily do. After that twenty minutes, different music starts up and they have a conversation about death. Then it's time for another scene, probably something involving a monkey, a giant ball, or something that is funny because it's moving around in a way that it shouldn't move around in. There's also a lack of character development that actually distorts the movie's central themes. Natalie Portman's character and the little kid don't grow; the accountant's character changes far too abruptly. I actually was optimistic about this one but it's another one of those films that is not as good as its opening credits. It really reminds me of Jumanji or, especially, the sort-of sequel Space Jumanji, and that is not even close to a good thing.

It's a Wonderful Life

1946 silly movie

Rating: 14/20 (Jen: 18/20)

Plot: The happiest-go-luckiest man on earth, George "People Shouldn't Have Had Me Run on Film Because I Can't Do It Naturally" Bailey was born, saved his brother's life, saved a pharmacist's job, saved his podunk town, got married, and had sexual intercourse at least four times. It's a wonderful life! None of that matters, however, because his staircase railing is broken and he isn't man enough to be able to fix it. Within minutes, he becomes drunken and suicidal. As he's about to end his life by jumping off a bridge into the icy waters below, his guardian angel Clarence jumps into the icy waters. So George jumps into the icy waters below to save his life. Clarence, working on earning his wings, needs to convince George that life is worth living and shows him what the lives of others would look like if George had never existed.

The following is a partial transcript from a meeting following a showing of It's a Wonderful Life, then called Untitled Frank Capra Communist Propaganda Film:

Film Producer #7: But why does he keep shouting at everybody?

Frank Capra: Because he's excited! He's got his life back.

FP7: No, I'm talking about the rest of the movie. He spends the entire movie shouting.

FC: He does?
Film Producer #3: He really does, Frank.

FC: Well, that's acting. That's how Jimmy Stewart acts.

FP7: Well, I don't like it at all. Something must be done.

FP3: Yeah, I'm not sure I like all the shouting either. Nobody's going to want to spend 17 hours watching the longest movie ever made with a protagonist who shouts at everybody for no reason.

FP7: What if we give him a reason?
FC: What do you mean, Film Producer Number Seven?

FP3: Yes! We could have George born with a condition of some kind where he shouts unnecessarily.

FP7: How about this? How about we write in a scene where he has some sort of childhood injury which causes him to lose his hearing in one of his ears?

FP3: Yeah! The right one!

FP7: No, the left one.

Film Producer #4: And then his "acting" (finger quotes--actually the first time finger quotes were ever used) would make a little more sense. The character won't know that he's shouting.

FP3: I think this might work. Back to the studio, Frank Capra!

Film Producer #2: Anybody else think the movie is too long?

FP7: (Scratches self)

FP2: I mean, do we really need to show George using the potty for the first time or trying meatloaf? We have the longest exposition in film history here. It takes so long to get to the real meat of the movie and audiences have fallen asleep during test screenings.

Film Producer #5: The real meatloaf of the movie!

FP7: Are you drunk again, Film Producer #5?

Quite possibly the most overrated movie ever made. Definitely seems like the longest although, admittedly, I'm not used to watching movies with commercial interruptions and that probably made it seem longer. It's a very average movie, a little too manipulative and old-timey to fully appreciate. I gave it an 11/20 the first time I watched it, so maybe by the forty-seventh time I see this, I'll develop a soul and think it's a classic like everybody else.

Reign over Me

2007 drama

Rating: 11/20

Plot: Alan Johnson, a New York City dentist, is sort of bored with life. That is until he runs into an old college roommate who wrecklessly drives around a little scooter while listening loudly to music on headphones. Charlie's lost his family (9-11, of course) and he's also lost his grip on reality, spending almost all of his time with his record collection, his drum set, and a video game. Johnson and Charlie strike up a friendship, straining the relationship between Johnson and his own wife while seeming to help Charlie's mental state a little bit.

Very tidy, messy movie. It's overlong and Hollywoody. I also don't think Adam Sandler is good here at all which really hurt this movie's chances of having any real emotional impact on me. I just didn't buy it. Most, if not all, of the ending can be seen from about a mile and a half away. It's all just too convenient. There are definitely things to like about the movie (I especially like how the music is handled), but there's far too much weighing it down. I also don't understand the title.

Recommended by R.D.

Wall-E

2008 animated film

Rating: 16/20 (Jen: 17/20; Dylan: 13/20; Emma 18/20; Abbey 20/20)

Plot: The title robot is a sex-starved janitor left on earth after all the people have disembarked. It's lucky that he's a trash collector because there's an excess of it and he really has nothing better to do with his time. Until a hot little robot with a dynamite figure and beautiful blue eyes shows up and rocks his world. Initially, she rejects his awkward sexual advances--at one point, Wall-E tries to offer Eva a Rubik's cube in exchange for sexual favors--but when he helps her find what she was looking for in the first place, she becomes interested and they engage in robot coitus. Then they go to space!

First forty-five minutes: brilliant, funny, touching, poignant. Last forty-five minutes: flawed, forced, overly ambitious, far too action-oriented. The characters, especially Wall-E, are definitely likable enough, and there are some very nice touches (a lot of the stuff Wall-E collects is funny) with more probably likely to reveal themselves during a second viewing. The music's fine, the visuals are often pretty staggering, and a lot of the messages behind the cute little kids' story work well without being at all forced. Some things did annoy me during that second half. The humor doesn't work as well, and the movie seems to lose it's focus and voice. That first half though is about as good as it gets, probably the best 40 minutes Pixar's put together. I was really wavering between 15 and 16 on this one, but given that I'll probably end up liking this better when I see it again. And I also like the social commentary and the homage to Buster Keaton. And watching my kids enjoy it always helps, too. So, 16 it is.

Question: Did they not let black people on the big spaceship? What's with that?

Ratatouille

2007 animated feature

Rating: 17/20 (Abbey: 20/20)

Plot: Remy is a rat with an atypical interest in fine cuisine. His interest leads to the forced retreat of his friends and family into the sewers of Paris. Meanwhile, Remy, led by (probably drug-fueled) hallucinations (maybe not drugs; maybe it's that special chemical imbalance that makes geniuses into geniuses), meets the son of his cooking idol. Together, they form a symbiotic relationship. The rat contributes cooking genius; the person uses hands. Interest in Gusteau's restaurant picks up, an interest that doesn't make the antagonists (the restaurant's owner Skinner who has more lucrative plans for frozen foods bearing Gusteau's name and a snobbish food critic Anton Ego who previously dismissed the restaurant and Gusteau's ideas that "anyone can cook") happy at all.

Every time Pixar makes a movie, I see the previews and predict that I'm finally going to be disappointed. And nearly every time, I've been pleasantly surprised. Not with Cars. That one's not that good. Ratatouille moves a step beyond pleasantly surprising into something pretty great, definitely higher echelon Pixar. For sentimental reasons, it's not my favorite Pixar movie, but it might be the most fully realized and consistently terrific one. The animation is shockingly great with that mix of things looking highly realistic and beautiful but not so realistic that you wonder, "Why is this even animated?" Enough of the cutesy remains. There are some scenes where there's so much going on, arguably too much action, but those Pixar details are still there. It's really unbelievable. The characters (and voice talent--Oswalt, Brad Garrett, Will Arnett, and especially Peter O'Toole as the critic) are great with the exception of one, actually the main human character who is distracting. Funny, energetic, suave, and touching. For whatever reason, the scene with the title food chokes me up a little bit. Typical Pixar with a great mix of creativity and heart. Better than The Incredibles, and I look forward to seeing what Brad Bird does next

Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines or How I Flew from London to Paris in 25 Hour 11 Minutes

1965 comedic adventure

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Birdmen from around the world gather in England for a London-to-Paris flying machine race. Love triangles, duels in hot air balloons, international conflict, and (Oh, snap!) cheating are involved.

Based on a real event? The jokes ain't great and the slapstick doesn't really work either, but the film still has a sort of charm and is really great looking. The colors are fantastic, and the aerial acrobatics are dazzling. It's a fun movie, sort of a live-action Wacky Races, but it does seem to go on and on and on with running gags that aren't funny the first time and definitely don't work the fifth time. Love those airplanes though.