McLibel

2005 documentary

Rating: 10/20 (Jen: 9/20)

Plot: Two English demonstrators are sued by McDonald's after refusing to apologize for comments made in a flyer. They represent themselves in a court case against the clown's money and expensive lawyers. The court case lasts almost as long as this movie seemed to have lasted. Lives are touched, and McDonald's ceases to be a corporation.

Very cheaply made and completely unengaging (Jen's word), a documentary without any style at all. There was substance though, lots of information that everybody either knows or should probably know about McDonald's role in the environment (flimsy, possibly faulty cause-and-effect propaganda here), animal cruelty (some scenes not for the squeamish), advertising strategies (although really, if this is news to people...), their treatment of employees, and the lack of nutritional value in the food (again, if this is news...). Unfortunately, everything came across as self important, and some scenes/interviews were completely pointless. The funniest part of the film might have been when the male defendant revealed that he and the female defendant were not involved sexually. Other parts of this equally dopey, especially the use of actors in courtroom reenactments. And heck, the movie started with a Star Wars-esque text scroll!

Note: I would have given this bonus points if the Hamburglar or Grimace were interviewed.

Jen and I watching McLibel:

American Movie

1999 narrative documentary

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Budding filmmaker Mark Borchardt doesn't want to shovel snow or vacuum carpets at the cemetary anymore, nor does he want to deliver The Wall Street Journal at six in the morning. Instead, he wants to make a feature film called Northwestern. Oh, he wants to read The Wall Street Journal, as well. Unfortunately, he is short on cash. He decides instead to finish his short film, Coven. He begs money from his skeptical Uncle Bill and gets help from a bunch of his friends, some who are undoubtedly mentally challenged. Finally, he's able to premiere his horror masterpiece at a Milwaukee theater, more than likely confusing the audience in the process.

Mark Borchardt might have some talent. Indeed, some of the shots in Coven, including in the dvd bonus materials, are pretty cool. Unfortunately, empty pockets and alcohol get in the way and probably kept the short from being what it could have been. Plus, Mark might be a little crazy. This documentary following him around during his quest to make his dream come true is very funny, sometimes almost devastingly sad (although not as sad as a whole as it probably should have been), and really pretty inspiring. I enjoyed every scene with Uncle Bill, especially the rerecording of his opening lines from the short film. When Mark said, "Alright...take 37," I chortled. The scenes with Mark trying to put one of the actor's heads through a cabinet door and where he's describing in great detail the cleaning of a toilet at the cemetary were also great. The filmmakers (the real ones...not the subject of the documentary) treated the "characters" with respect, never getting too fancy or taking cheap shots. Reminiscent of the equally entertaining Lost in La Mancha (although arguably not as depressing), this beautifully shows how painfully difficult it can be to want to make something.

This was my brother Mark's recommendation.

Here I am wondering what I would look like with Mark's hair:

Nosferatu the Vampyre

1979 horror remake

Rating: 16/20

Plot: It's Dracula. A really old pale guy laments the fact that he can't get a girl to like him on account of his silly looking ears. "Cursed! Cursed with these monstrostities [sic]! All the kids on the playground called me Batboy." He mopes around for a while and finally decides to go to the woodshed to fashion himself some wicked fangs with the use of an electric sander. He then falls in love with the sander and injures himself during attempted intercourse. Blaming his misfortune on Black and Decker (Franz Black and Hans Decker, the guys at the local hardware store who sold him the discount sander from the clearance aisle), he seeks revenge. Or a good manicurist. He ends up getting a haircut instead and regretting it instantly. He takes a trip on a boat to forget his troubles and befriends several rats. Together, they produce their own musical comedy--"The Frantic Athletic Cup". They're booed fiercely during the first show, tossed from the boat, and spend the rest of the movie regretting every decision they've ever made.

This is probably not as good as the original 20's Murnau version (I think...it's been a while) but it is infinitely better (well, twice better) than the Coppola thing, despite the substitution of Tom Waits for the annoying giggling Renfield in this one. The annoying giggling Renfield delivered one of the more laughable acting performances I've ever seen, and the acting was the biggest problem (only problem?) with the film. Werner Herzog produced two simultaneous versions--one in English and one in German--and the heavily-accented English combined with this oddly tired, confused acting really made the English version difficult to watch in parts. I watched snippets of the German version, and it didn't seem much better though. The movie was also a little choppy; you could tell scenes were hurried (one take only, probably due to a combination of budget, the need for two language versions, and time). The individual scenes themselves, however, were almost perfect. Kinski is as good as anybody who's seen Kinski would think he'd be in this role. He's got the eyes for the part, and his timing is so perfect in the elongated, tension-filled scenes. His presence completely overwhelms the scenes he's in. And with the imagery and set design, there's enough to look at to make up for the story we already know and the acting we wish we could ignore. The castle in this is perfect and haunting. Herzog paints with shadows and somber colors, and by slowing down scenes, he creates an almost hypnotic tension if not something completely terrifying. Almost every scene with Kinski is beautiful, but my favorite image is during the great "pestilence" chapter, a scene featuring a "last supper" with a family feasting while in the company of scuttling rats. There's also some really sexy mummies and a nicely choreographed pall bearer dance scene. Great rats though. It adds backbone to my theory that Werner Herzog (my favorite director) could direct animals as well as people. (See: the monkeys at the end of Aguirre, the defecating camel at the end of Dwarves, the dancing chicken at the end of Stroyzek.) This could have been the greatest horror movie ever made, and it is one of the best remakes of all time.

Look! I'm terrified!

Danny Deckchair

2003 romantic comedy

Rating: 7/20

Plot: While hosting a barbie, scruffy Danny, seemingly bored with life and recently cuckolded, drifts away in a lawnchair with helium balloons tied to it. He lands in what must be the imbecile capital of Australia as the townspeople can't put two and two together to figure out that he's the missing guy they keep mentioning on the television. He falls in annoyingly unbelievable love with a woman who has almost no personality at all and inspires the imbeciles. Will Danny reveal his true identity to his new friends? Will his wife and old friends ever see him again? Will anybody watching the movie even care?

Poorly written, predictable, greasy, schmaltzy and insipid. There's an idea in this somewhere, but nothing about this was executed properly. It attempts quirk and heart and maybe even magical realism, but comes across as nothing more than stupid cheese. I'm actually a little angry at Australia after viewing this one, and all those people who would like this and use a word like "delightful" or "charming" to describe it should be urinated upon. Or they should be forced to watch City Lights. Or, better yet, they should be forced to watch City Lights while being urinated upon. It's a romantic comedy with the plastic romance you can only find in bad movies and with not one funny moment to be found.

Here I am wishing that I wasn't watching Danny Deckchair:

The 400 Blows

1959 French drama

Rating: 18/20

Plot: A disillusioned adolescent raises hell. Trouble at both home and school forces him to react--he spins, ogles, steals a typewriter, reads Balzac, fibs, catches part of his bedroom on fire, engages in subtle homoerotic romance, ticks off his teacher, conjugates, slinks, runs away, drums his fingers, and goes to the beach.

As I've said, I love good endings. This one has a classic, an image of a look into the camera that says more than millions of words in thousands of movies. Truffaut succeeds because he constructs a plot where nothing is wasted and every scene builds to that final shot. At the same time, few of the scenes really scream at you and seem to matter. There's nothing fancy here because there doesn't need to be. Subtle comedy intermingles with the despair of adolescence. Great lead actor. A human is created, and the kid makes it easy to want to follow him around. Well-constructed autobiographical film-making, tragic and life-affirming and beautiful.

Bonus points awarded for puppets.

Me, who during my own childhood never got above 280 blows:

Week End

1967 avant-garde comedy/drama

Rating: 16/20

Plot: A bourgeousie couple take what is supposed to be a pleasant trip to visit the parents of one of them, although secretly, they are hoping for their deaths. The trip starts out terribly with a fender bender that leads to neighbors shooting bullets and arrows and serving a barrage of tennis balls at them. The trip only gets worse--ghastly traffic jams, numerous burning automobile accidents, kidnappings, and a piano concert that seems to go on forever.

Radical filmmaking reminiscent of Bunuel's choppier surrealist works and Songs from the Second Floor, crazily episodic, disturbing, and darkly humorous. This benefits from a very made-up-as-it-goes approach, and although not all the extended scenes work, they all manage to seem really important. Classic epic traffic jam scene featuring giraffes, chess players, broken bodies, picnickers, and people playing catch between cars and building to a devastating denouement is jaw-dropping, one extended tracking shot nearly worth the price of admission alone. Very meta film--minor characters ask if they're real or part of a movie and flashy title cards proclaim the film as the end of cinema. I didn't care for all the political stuff (nor did I completely understand it...indictments of both Western Culture and cinema) and those title cards seem tacky and overdone, but this is very entertaining absurdism. Comedy roadkill and satiric chaos! As the opening credits promise, this is a "film adrift in the cosmos."

Here I am, also adrift in the cosmos:

The Day the Earth Stood Still

1951 Science Fiction

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A mild-mannered spaceman arrives in Washington D.C. with his own theremin and Gort, a robotic thug with no sign of genitalia. He parks his spaceship illegally and is given a good ol' American greeting--he's shot. After escaping from the hospital and sneaking around incognito (under the guise of a pedophile), he's shot again. He leaves, but not before giving humanity nearly the same message Rodney King would give 40-some years later.

Bloated and strangely sterile science fiction with a message that, although universal and timeless, feels like it was delivered via Gort smacking you upside the head with it repeatedly. Everything seems so dated about this; however, in the context of the early 50's, I'm sure the effects and even the message would have been revolutionary. In that context, it might be a little more atypical--the plot isn't advanced by minor characters being violently acted upon and the "fears" aren't created with special effects or lurking slimy things. Unfortunately, there's just no tension at all, and none of the characters are worth caring about. The punchline was the moralizing of the alien Christ figure. A complete destruction of Washington D.C. would have been a lot cooler to see. I would have also enjoyed a sex scene with the robot. Maybe some Gort-on-midget action. Then, this movie would not only be famous for it's "Klaatu barada nikto!" line but also for introducing the expression "He's hung like Gort" into the vernacular. Bad B-acting and choppy characterization also hurt this one a bit, making it seem more dated than it probably should.

Here I am, considering very seriously whether I should start loving my neighbor and stop carrying out senseless acts of violence (ultimately, I decided to stay just the way I am):

Super Mario Bros.

1993 action adventure

Rating: 4/20 (Jen: 1/20 [She couldn't make it all the way through though. "If you'd let me give a movie a zero, I would. I'd even go into the negatives with this one."], Dylan: 2/20, Emma 9/20, Abbey 15/20)

Plot: Mario Mario and Luigi Mario (no, I'm not kidding) have to save the world from the nearly-sinister Dennis Hopper and his devolving (like, reverse evolving) machine. They also have to save their girlfriends. There's a subplot that involves Luigi attempting to lose his virginity.

It's a sensory overload. Everything is so big and loud here that it actually becomes repulsive. Power Rangers-esque effects, terrible acting, a story that makes little sense and barely resembles the video game at all, and a bad bad script featuring humor from the 80's combine forces to make a four and a half hour film that makes you wish you were watching somebody play the video game instead. In fact, I would have rather watched somebody play the first level of the video game over and over again (having the first menacing turtle thing kill Mario in the exact same way every time) while having somebody else hit me in the back of the head repeatedly with a plastic pipe. This should have ruined careers. John Leguizamo...ok, maybe his career was just starting out. But what the hell were Bob Hoskins and Dennis Hopper thinking involving themselves in this? Or Mojo Nixon. If your movie don't got Mojo Nixon than your movie could use a fixin'? Hoskins, at least, acknowledges that this is the worst thing he's ever done. I'm more embarrassed for Hopper. Hearing him recite lines like "You know what I like about mud? It's clean and it's dirty at the same time" was painful. This was the first movie based on a video game, and it probably should have been the last. The 90's weren't great for movies anyway, and this is one of the worst of the decade.

Note: I did doze off once during this movie, but I don't think I missed anything important.

Here we are. Jen may be a little mad at me here. Goomba shoe!

Planet Terror

2007 1970's zombie movie

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Cardboard cut-outs try to save the world from zombies. The zombies ooze. Luckily, everybody knows how to handle a gun.

It's pointless to give this a rating or say much about it. It's the movie that most adolescent boys probably dream of making--sexiness, things exploding inexplicably, guns, more guns, over-the-top gore. There's enough fun, and it's well done for what it is, but what it is is pretty pointless. It's a movie with a little bit of everything. Except substance.

Here I am admiring the gore:

The Pursuit of Happyness

2006 Drama

Rating: 12/20 (Checking my notebook, I watched this about a year ago and gave it an 11/20...must have been in a bad mood because I'd give it a 13 or maybe even a 14 this time. The 12, then, is an average.)

Plot: A failed white rapper spends the remaining savings from his lone hit single, "I'm Gonna Boogie [Am I?]" on juice boxes (Ecto Cooler) which he believes will keep longer than they actually will. They expire, as do his hopes and dreams. And his aspirations. But he tries to make it big and live the American dream, balancing hard work and harder work with looking for places to sleep and trying to figure out to do with his son's hair. I think it's supposed to be his son. It could have been a midget sidekick. He's hit by a car during one of the numerous times in the film when he's running across a street without looking (main theme of the film: look both ways before you cross) and dies. Miraculously, he wakes up with powerful robotic hands, hands which he quickly realizes could give him an edge as he attempts to get a job as a stockbroker in the competitive world of stockbrokering. Lord knows his lack of experience ain't gonna give him no edge! Lord, have mercy! The protagonist, the late M.C. Ecto Coolio, finds out too late that the midget has been stealing his stationery and is quite possibly a fiend. "Shoulda known it by the twitch in his eye," says Ecto with a twitch in his eye. There's a climactic battle in which his opponents, united with his former sidekick (or is it a clone?), attempt to use his own stationery to "make him bleed...make him bleed good." But as the movie's tagline promises: "Robotic hands don't bleed!" Based on a true story.

After two sick days in a row, I decided I might as well go do my job today, forgetting that it was a student half day in which I'd be professionally developed. That's sort of the public educator's equivalent of getting breast implants. I was scrambling to figure out what to teach the youth of America when somebody reminded me that I wouldn't have to teach them anything at all and that our team had already planned on watching this movie. This actually isn't much different than my normal day except a movie usually isn't involved. It was a nice way to get back into the swing of things following my four-day weekend.

Originally, I accused this movie of being predictable and sappy and too Hollywood. Not sure what my problem would have been. The Fresh Prince does a great job in this, and even the kid is ok. I usually despise child actors (exception: Anakin Skywalker in Episode I). There are some moments that'll make ya cringe, but there are also some really touching, really authentic moments, most of them dealing with the relationship between the father and the son. It's peppered with humor, and although it's in no way flashy or modern, it still manages to maintain a style. It's written well, although it is difficult to see through the syrup at times, but it's really Will Smith's performance that makes the movie what it is. He's instantly likable and gives a completely believable performance, more than likely one aided by the natural chemistry between him and the midget. Earlier, I wrote that Michael Cera might be the next Jimmy Stewart. That's probably wrong because Will Smith might be the next Jimmy Stewart. Heck, he might be the original Jimmy Stewart!

No picture of me watching this movie is available.

Monsieur Verdoux

1947 black comedy

Rating: 16/20

Plot: Following economic depression, the charming title character loses the bank job held for 30 years. Forced to find a way to support his invalid wife and young son, Verdoux starts a new business--find wealthy women, persuade them to put their finances in a vulnerable position, and then kill them. He travels via train, juggling his actual family and his numerous financial possibilities, and tries to outwit captors.

Written by Charlie Chaplin based on an idea given to him by admirer Orson Welles, this is a pretty tightly structured dramatic comedy. There are some old timey slapstick moments (rarely involving Chaplin himself and mostly involving the family of one murdered woman), but for the most part, this has the feel of something a lot more modern. The plot is similar to Kind Hearts and Coronets, possibly a superior film, but fractured in that the murderer has to drift back and forth between those he's interested in killing. The characters grow a little bit instead of just popping into the movie as props to be killed. There's not a laugh-out-loud moment in this. Instead, the humor depends on dramatic irony where a large part of the dialogue between characters takes on double and even triple meanings. Initially, I suspected Verdoux's character would suffer from being too flat, but there was room for growth, and it's brilliant how it's easy to feel both hatred and empathy for the man. I believe this is the first Chaplin movie in which he isn't the Little Tramp, and he made it pretty easy to forget that it was him in the first place. My wife didn't know when I asked her. Aside from two spots when he sort of winks at the audience through that fourth wall, there's not much Little Tramp in this at all, and his performance as the title character is really good. I also liked the photography, in particular a shot involving a staircase and another involving a door, a hallway, and a window and another involving a greenhouse. There were also a few extended scenes that managed to maintain both humor and suspense. The only gripe I have is a little preachiness at the end with an attempt to thematically tie in Chaplin's ideas (pacifism mostly, but also some really pessimistic ideas about politics and humanity including possibly his opinions on dropping the twin big ones on those poor Japanese women and children). Seemed a tacked-on stretch to make Monsieur Verdoux too much of a symbol, and the lack of subtlety was unnerving. Chaplin, by the way, was booted out of the country for his views in the early 50's, and Monsieur Verdoux flopped majestically.

Look! I watched this movie with an unpleasant stain on the front of me!

How Tasty Was My Little Frenchman

1971 Brazilian black comedy (or so it says on the box)

Rating: 15/20

Plot: A delicious, well-hung Frenchman is captured by some locals in the jungles of late 16th-Century Brazil and mistaken for a Portuguese guy. The locals consider the Portuguese enemies because they have given aid to their enemies--the Mookoopacapica. The Frenchman tries his best to escape or win over the tribe since they've promised to eat him in eight months. They give him a wife, and he makes gunpowder and helps them win a battle against their enemies. Then they eat him. Ironically.

The combination of this being very cheaply produced and filmed on beautiful location gave this a more authentic, almost documentary feel. Also adding to the authenticity was the costuming--every character but one (I believe) is completely nude for the majority of the film. I would have nominated this for best costume design if it were me, but it is rarely me. The movie stumbled from the gate, almost too different or National Geographical to want to watch, but it got going once the Frenchman in the title attempted to acclimate. I kept thinking how great this could have been with a director like Werner Herzog and a lead like Klaus Kinski (the latter, of course, not making any sense since he spoke German), but Nelson Pereira dos Santos, the director, has a good eye for natural details and knows how to use a lack of sound for effect while the lead actor was, as I mentioned in the plot synopsis, well hung. Other than the goofy title and the situational irony, I found it difficult to believe that this could be considered a comedy. It's important to note that even though you know he's going to be eaten (I hope I'm not giving away the ending...it says it right in the title of the film!), the ending still works due to an affecting set-up.

My pants, folded:

The Collector

1965 psychological thriller

Rating: 13/20

Plot: General Zod, a butterfly-collecting outsider, wins a sizable chunk of change and decides to buy a large house out in the country, the main reason is that it's got a nice little cellar thing in which he can lock kidnapped women. He kidnaps a pretty art student and tries desperately to make her fall in love with him.

Read an interesting bit of trivia--this movie's ending was apparently not the kind of ending that was allowed by censors in 1965, but the reviewer, a newlywed, actually fell asleep and didn't finish watching the movie. The ending is pretty good, too, and a more Hollywood ending (of which I can think of at least three), would have made it a far inferior movie. The acting, I thought, was a little spotty, and the music was oppressive, but the story went at a Hitchcockian pace and managed to keep me interested with, for the most part, only two actors and a single setting. That single setting (also reminding me of Hitchcock in more ways than one), however, was a real find--lots of beams and bricks and curves and creaks that would have made it nearly impossible to not make pretty while filming. I didn't always believe what was going on, and I really would have liked to see a nude scene even though a nude scene would have created a contradiction with the title character's mindset. The development of that character's mental flaws was very good and almost real.

Here I am watching The Collector and wondering if I'll ever be able to fulfill my fantasy of kidnapping a pretty art student:

The Short Films of David Lynch

1967-1995

Rating: 14/20

Plot: Ranging from the 55 second 'Premonitions Following an Evil Deed' to the 30-odd minute 'The Grandmother,' these six short films show the development of Lynch's techniques and vision.

'6 Men Getting Sick (Six Times)' is wholly animated. In the interview segment prior to the minute short (the interview segments are great, by the way...I could listen to David Lynch talk for hours probably), Lynch says that he wanted "to see a painting move and have sound." That's pretty much what is going on with the abstract, surrealistic '6 Men'. It's crudely animated and has sirens and is meant to be looped.

'The Alphabet' from 1968 is nightmarish and a little silly. Dark stuff though.

'The Grandmother' from 1970 predates Eraserhead and contains similar imagery and ideas, especially in the really strange way the people interact with each other. There's no dialogue--only grunts and whine and barks. I thought this was pretty difficult to watch. Very bleak mix of dark live action and child-like animation and including some stop-motion animation with actual people. Creepy kid brother to Eraserhead.

'The Amputee' was made while on hiatus from Eraserhead because he had run out of money. This wasn't worth watching.

'The Cowboy and the Frenchman' from '88 was the oddball of the bunch, and if it weren't for the wackiness of Wild at Heart and that failed television shows he did in the early nineties ("On the Air"...I looked it up), you might not even think it's Lynch at all. He toys with cliches and stereotypes affectively and the "western" turns out to be pretty hilarious. I love when Lynch's sense of humor pops out from the darkness of his films.

The best of the bunch is the 55-second short he did for the one hundredth anniversary of the Lumiere brothers' camera along with 39 other directors. I'd seen that, and 'Premonitions Following an Evil Deed' is one of the few that were memorable. What he does with this rudimentary camera in his 55 seconds is absolutely stunning. It might be my favorite 55 seconds of Lynch's career actually.

Here I am watching these short films (not pictured: me):

Balls of Fury

2007 sports comedy

Rating: 6/20

Plot: Olympic table tennis failure and Jack Black lookalike Randy Daytona is recruited by an FBI agent to come out of retirement and get himself involved in the dirty underworld of ping pong, specifically with the invite-only and deadly annual tournament that Christopher Walken's character has. The audience scrunches its collective brow and demands to have its money back immediately.

The good: I really enjoyed the scenes in which ping pong was played. During the matches, there was very rarely anything stupid going on, and the special effects involved worked perfectly to create something that looked very real and very exciting. That was about it though. The rest of this Dodgeball/almost-every-kung-fu-movie-plot rip-off stunk. The characters, with the possible exception of James Hong's (the James Hong who was in that Seinfeld episode where they are trying to see Plan Nine from Outer Space but can't get a table at a Chinese restaurant) role as the elderly eccentric teacher character who uses unorthodox methods to educate, aren't interesting, and the plot is just an excuse to get to the next situation that is supposed to be funny. I was in the mood for something stupid and funny, but sadly, I didn't laugh a single time. This, I guess, is what happens when you set out to make a cult classic. For whatever reason (and perhaps unfairly), I blame Will Ferrell for stuff like this.

Here I am watching Balls of Fury: