Orphan

2009 piece of shit

Rating: 6/20

Plot: Kate and husband John decide to adopt a highly intelligent and artistic nine-year-old Russian orphan. Kate, a recovering alcoholic, is trying to get over nearly accidentally killing one of her two biological children and a miscarriage. Things are going swimmingly until Esther, the family's new addition, begins misbehaving. She forms an attachment to John but has trouble getting along with her new mom who wonders if she might be evil. Bad stuff happens. And there's nothing more horrifying, ladies and gentlemen, than when bad stuff happens in a bad movie.

This is a Macaulay Culkin away from being The Good Son. There's also a bit of The Omen in here. In fact, the whole thing is derivative, entirely predictable in its unpredictability, and offensively bad filmmaking. You know that horror movie cliche where the filmmaker dicks around with you, letting you follow a character who is anxious or nervous and then suddenly jabbing you with a shockingly loud musical note or a noise and causing you to jump because the character has seen something scary before revealing that the only scary thing in the room is something innocent like a kitty or a child with a lollipop? If you like that, you'll love Orphan because that's a trick the director uses about ninety times. It's actually almost the entire movie. You also get some really terrible child acting, including a title character who can't remember if she's Russian or not, and several plot points that just don't make any sense whatsoever. Seriously, some of the decisions these characters make are just bewildering. There's a big big twist in this movie. Really, there had to be a big big twist because without a big big twist, nobody would care to sit through this one. But the big big twist is so stupid, crossing the line from "shocking" into "What the hell?" and forcing me, whether fair or not, to really want to kick M. Night Shyamalan right in the head. It was offensive more than anything else, an attempt to trick a reaction out of people. And that's the biggest problem with Orphan--it substitutes good storytelling, realistic character development, and genuine horror and suspense for manipulative movie cliches and lazy trickery and dickery. Trickery, dickery, dock. I really hate this movie, and I hope it's my least enjoyable movie watching experience of the year.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-joG-8J_Ls&feature=related

Please find this. I don't want to watch it, but I want you to watch it.

Shane said...

Anonymous 1: I'll see what I can do.

Anonymous 2: A couple few things...

1) Seriously? You're getting upset because somebody doesn't like THIS movie? Were you somehow involved in the making of this thing? Is other people's enjoyment of this movie so important to you that you're going to throw the word "dickhead" at me?

2) The dickhead is the guy who cut you off on the way to work this morning. I'm just the guy who has better taste in movies than you.

3) A lollipop would have improved things. It would have been the best actor involved in the movie.

4) I'm really not sure what I didn't understand about 'Orphan'. It wasn't about not understanding the movie. It had more to do with hating it.

5) I write like I'm gay? Can you give me some pointers on how to make my writing more hetero? Thanks in advance!

cory said...

I was going to say your brother has gotten REALLY cranky.

Does this guy(girl?)regularly mutely read your stuff, or can he only make his constructive comments when he is out on parole? Calling someone stupid is much more effective when it is not part of a comment absolutely riddled with spelling and grammatical errors.

l@rstonovich said...

wow that was cool! i wish you got more comments like anonymous 2, means you're getting out there.

btw was the "6" rating even after the midget bonus?

Anonymous said...

Shabazz,

While I post on here anonymously, I can assure you that the 13 year old whom posted after me, was not me. I hope you know me well enough to understand that posting such an abortion of grammer would cause me to lose both sleep and hair.

My first guess was that Jeff, your former dorm buddy, had found you on the internet. Then I remembered that Jeff did not use periods, and only wrote in page-long sentences.

The best part of this was the timing. He made his first post just before his mom made him go to bed. Then jumped right up and checked it before he left for his court orded work detail.

Don DeFreese

Shane said...

Anonymous 1: Right, I figured these weren't the same anonymouses. I didn't know if you were you or my brother though, but now I know that you were you.

Anonymous 2: King of English teachers? I'm not sure if that was a typo or if that's what you actually meant. I was going to comment on your atrocious spelling and grammar, but I was afraid of being accused of being an English teacher, truly one of the very worst things one human being can call another human being.

"Shane" is a "gay ass" name? But that cool cowboy was named Shane in that one "gay ass" movie. And it's an Irish name that means "tough guy" or something. Are the Irish "gay ass" or something? "Cory" might be a "gay ass" name, but I don't think "Shane" is.

I'm amazed that you came back, by the way. Hopefully, you've subscribed. Oh, and you might want to check out 'Russian Ark' some time. It's not 'Orphan,' but I think you might really dig it! Either that or you'll think it's another "dickhead" movie.

Lol!!!!

Cory(a very manly name) said...

I try to defend your site a little and you throw me under the bus.

l@rstonovich said...

How did this anonymous go to Cory's blog? Cory do you have a blog or was he talking about this blog?

For the record I think all three of our names are equally gay. That's why anon is so hot for us. Irresistible.

Shane said...

Well, I don't think Anonymous knew your name was Lawrence. If he reads this, however...

Cory has a blog? What?

I'm loving the word "dickfart" and will be using it every chance I get. But are there really seven 'Saw' movies? I saw the first one because a student brought it to me to watch, but I doubt I'll see any of the others.

l@rstonovich said...

oh there weren't 7 saw movies? I blew it.

as far as I know my buddy Roy coined dickfart. he has mild tourettes. my name isn't Lawrence, that's crude. It's Laurence.

Shane said...

I've only had one completely random comment like this, a fan of the awful 'Begotten'...I doubt it's the same person though. That was a long time ago, and as far as I know, the 'Begotten' fan never came back.