I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With

2006 fat guy comedy

Rating: 9/20 (Jen: 5/20)

Plot: A fat actor living in Chicago with his mother is having a bad day. His agent drops him, he's fired from his job, and his girlfriend dumps him. He sneaks out of an Overeaters Anonymous meeting and heads right into an ice cream shop where he meets Sarah Silverman, a woman I'm not even convinced is human. She's bizarre, but he digs her, and eventually, they do it.

Jen hated this movie so much that she's barely spoken to me today except for a few times when she's hollered things. It's not been a good year for Curb Your Enthusiasm-related movies as Jeff Garlin wrote, directed, and starred in this affair. Sure, you get to see Sarah Silverman, suspiciously sans head, in underpants, but you don't get to see Jeff Garlin in underpants which is why I took the chance with this one anyway. There are a couple mildly amusing moments, but I only laughed one time during a scene involving a giant pirate head. But I laugh at mascots all the time, so that probably wasn't really funny. Seriously. Next to the place where I get gas, there's a Kentucky Fried Chicken, and the first time I saw the Colonel (not him, but some sort of statue) sitting on a bench inside, I laughed for a solid ten minutes. Gas was leaking all over the ground, I was rolling around and holding my sides, an elderly woman kept asking, "Is he having a seizure or something?" It was great. And sporting events? If there's a mascot involved, it doesn't matter what the final score is. Everybody wins! My first erection was actually at Busch Stadium in St. Louis as I watched Fred Bird dancing on top of the visitor's dugout. I've been to Disney World a few times, but I'm no longer allowed to go back because I humped Pluto's leg and fondled Baloo the Bear. It's a lifetime ban, one that I think is really unfair. But I digress. Back to this ridiculously titled movie. The story's a bit random, and there were too many characters in this movie for only a few minutes. The writing had an improvisational quality to it, usually something I'm not going to mind at all, but the problem was that it just wasn't all that funny. So, to recap: Sarah Silverman trying on underwear? Good. Pirate? Great! No scenes with Jeff Garlin trying on underwear? Depressing. What do we learn? A two-hour movie featuring nothing but Jeff Garlin on top of Mr. Redlegs while Sarah Silverman tries on underwear in the background would probably be the greatest movie of all time. Get crackin', Hollywood!