Batman and Robin

1997 superhero movie

Rating: 4/20

Plot: Homoerotic superboys Batman and Robin have to save Gotham from an ice man and a hippie.

My random thoughts as I watched Batman and Robin, a movie recommended by Barry, one of my favorite blog readers:

--Great choice to start this movie with close-ups of both Batman and Robin's rear ends.
--Batman on Ice? Oh, my. This is full of stupid.
--I'm 4% into this movie and have realized that 90% of the dialogue in this is going to be made up of bad puns.
--These action sequences make no sense. People float. And Batman certainly went through a lot of flipping and sliding just to kick Schwarzenegger in the chest, all while Arnold just stands and watches.
--Nice to see that Mr. Freeze has to copulate with his little rocket thing in order to drive it. I believe I just saw hip thrusting as he said, "Oh, yes!" Apparently, Mr. Freeze and his rocket climaxed simultaneously.
--This movie only has one color in it--blue. That's not going to work for me.
--I wonder how much better this movie would be if I turned the sound off?
--I wonder how much better this movie would be if I turned the visual off?
--What the hell is Uma talking about and why is she saying it like that?
--"Yes. Yes. Let the poisons and toxins dig a grave for you into the dirt you love so much." Now that is some sharp writing.
--OK, here's a shot of Mr. Freeze becoming Mr. Freeze. It's shot by a security camera but it has zooms?
--"I trust you, Alfred." Oh boy. I think we're going to see the first Bruce Wayne/Alfred make-out scene in Batman movie history.
--Great, the picture's cock-eyed again. Why does that keep happening? Should I tilt my head? Should I just go with it? Should I call somebody? Should I bang on the side of my television?
--Wait a second. I think the crazy scientist guy who made the Mexican wrestler was one of the bad guys in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 show. I'm too lazy to look it up. Speaking of that show, Batman and Robin wouldn't be a bad candidate for that show. Except it's so loud that I doubt the robots would even be able to be heard over it.
--Uma just claimed she had a "literal change of heart." She sounds like Madonna in this movie.
--Mr. Freeze's machine runs on diamonds. I'm no scientist, but I don't see how that makes sense.
--Enter Alicia Silverstone, apparently hypnotized before her scenes.
--Even the extras are laughing at Uma's acting job here.
--"In Gotham City, Batman and Robin protect us. . .even from plants and flowers."
--Mr. Freeze watches a really well-filmed home video. The home video, taken on its own, might be better than this movie. In context, it's just a piece of a crappy puzzle.
--Ahh, we make a visit to Les Baxter's house. Jen, who started watching parts of this, asks if any of these scenes go together. In Les Baxter's house, we get some characters from Where the Wild Things Are and a dancing monkey.
--I was wondering to myself just how many awards Elizabeth Sanders, who plays Gossip Gerty is going to win in her career. Her "ooohs" and "aahhhs" in this are amazing. Unfortunately, it seems that she only has played Gossip Gerty in multiple Batman movies. Elizabeth--if you're reading this--you are not going to win Oscars playing Gossip Gerty!
--Batman flashes his gold card. OK, these people aren't even trying. This has more in common with the television show than the movies. But not in a good way.
--Love the cartoonish sound effects.
--Also love this bit of dialogue:
Uma: We've got work to do.
Bane: (nods) Uhh. Monkey work.
--I think I just watched the worst chase scene ever. A case down a statue's arms? And Batman disengaging Robin's engine and nearly getting him killed?
--This movie has to be the worst thing any of these actors and actresses has been involved in or will ever be involved in. It's definitely the worst movie Elizabeth Sanders has been in.
--Alfred's brother's name is Wilfred? Nice.
--Jesse Ventura? There are too many future governors in this movie.
--Dayglo cannibals in a condemned Turkish bath. More of those cartoon sound effects. I'm starting to see the hidden genius buried in the murk of Batman and Robin.
--Ah, an A Clockwork Orange visual reference. And I think I saw Coolio. And the kid in that old Art of Noise video from the 80's. I can dig it. I'm not sure what the hell is going on with this motorcycle race, however, and I don't think a bunch of those colors are supposed to happen.
--Repetitive techno music. At the one hour and twelve minute mark, I vomit.
--Alicia Silverstone hovering over the city. . .it doesn't quite look real, and I can't help wishing Robin would drop her.
--Uma and Jesse Ventura just kissed. C'mon. That's not kosher.
--Wait a second. Batman's suit has nipples on it.
--If I'm ever attacked with a cool mist, I hope I can still utter "My lungs!" like the guy in this movie.
--Seems like this movie is reaching an end, but there are still forty minutes left. I'm not sure I have the stamina. Or the will to continue living. If given the opportunity, I would allow Uma to kiss me just so I wouldn't have to finish the rest of Batman and Robin. And I'd get to find out what Uma tastes like. She probably tastes like Quentin Tarantino. And that probably doesn't taste very good at all.
--Poison Ivy is not a great villain. All she does is blow dust, slow down the action, and quiet the bombast.
--At the one hour and thirty minute mark, a break is required.
--Once resumed, this movie treats me with an awkward attempt at poignancy. I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.
--Gotham City's got some pretty dopey architecture.
--I'm just going to stop trying to decipher what Arnold is saying. I can assume a pun about being chilly is involved.
--Well, it's only a single line, but Guy in Observatory (I think I've decided it's Michael Paul Chan) could win my Torgo Award this year. "Who is this nutball?" I loved the delivery of that line. Too bad Arnold iced him.
--Alicia Silverstone's conversation with Alfred in the bat cave makes no sense. But she sure gets a chance to show off her acting chops. "Suit me up, Uncle Alfred."
--Ahh. A Batgirl posterior close-up. That's better than the architecture.
--More great dialogue, almost Shakespearean:
Poison Ivy: Kiss me.
Robin: Tell me your plan. Then I'll kiss you.
Poison Ivy: Kiss me first; then, I'll tell you.
Robin: No, tell me your plan first. Then I'll kiss you.
Poison Ivy: How about you kiss me first. Following that, I will tell you my plan.
And so on. This scene ending with faux lips is icing on the cake of stupidity.
--Great--more incoherent blue action scenes.
--"It's one of those days!" Yes! Michael Paul Chan is unfrozen to clumsily deliver another line!
--Is this movie ever going to end?

Thanks for the recommendation, Barry.


Barry said...

See? That was a MAJOR STUDIO release too, with big time stars and endless money behind it.

It is in my top ten list of worst movies of all time, and I love watching it, shaking my head on how Joel Schumacher can continue to get paid for his complete garbage. You want to see where American society began its decline? Its right here, with this movie.

Makes me warm and fuzzy that you watched this. I feel good about life now.

cory said...

The cliche in Batman lore is that Batman creates the very villians he battles. Schumacher came very close to creating one(?) homicidal moviegoer. I remember watching this like it was yesterday. Each horrible one-liner (especially from the Governor), and every strange physics-defying, freakish-looking movement made me more and more pissed.

This is definitely a front-runner for worst movie of all-time. Anyone can make a crappy movie with no budget or little talent. It takes special idiocy to take a huge budget and some decent acting talent (Clooney-charm, O'Donnell is not bad) and make complete, unsalvagable shit. The only positives that can be found are that it effectively destroyed this series and probably made Nolan want to make a decent film to wash out the bad taste from our mouths. It also slowed the "witty" hero one-liner trend begun, I believe, with "Die Hard" (which had some wit).

Thirteen years later I have calmed down a little. I am no longer enraged at my wasted 6 or 7 dollars and lost 2-plus hours. Clooney recovered, Silverstone was rightly pretty much never heard from again, and the ex-Terminator became a Republican politician, so I can now continue to hate him guilt-free. The film was a BOMB!, and the gay Schumacher is no longer given a hundred million dollars to create homo-eroctic cinema. I may even be able to watch "Batman and Robin" again to enjoy bad-filmmaking at it's very best. A 2.

Shane said...

American society began its decline right here, eh? Wow. I haven't checked a middle school history book for a while, but I suspect 'Batman and Robin' will have to be mentioned as being the beginning of the end for our nation.

I almost always like George Clooney, but he just looked lost in this thing. I thought he was a terrible Batman. I thought everybody was terrible from the top of the cast list to the bottom. Well, not Arnold exactly. The Schwarz was actually the same he is in every movie (even with the one-liners...see my forthcoming write-up on 'The Running Man') only in this one he was wearing a ridiculous costume.

I'm sure there are big budget popcorn flicks as bad as this one. 'Ghostrider' was terrible. That third 'Spiderman' movie was terrible. They just weren't as entertainingly terrible as this one...

Barry said... personal list of the all time BIG BUDGET bad movies of all time.

1-Exorcist 2: The Heretic (1977)

2-Batman and Robin (1997)

3-Showgirls (1995)

4-Cobra (1986)


Right now these would be the movies I would want to sit through if I wanted to watch some bad movie making.

2012 is one of the funniest, dumbest movies ever made....and it raked in like 300 million bucks.

And there have been plenty of movies as poorly made as Batman and Robin. Pearl Harbor, Van Helsing, I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry.....but there are precious few that have as many stupid, hilarious things in it like Batman and Robin.

cory said...

I think you have forgotten "Armageddon" and "Con-Air", which I would put above (below?) "Showgirls" and "2012".

Shane said...

'Con Air' is awesome!

What about 'Titanic'? 'Ghostrider' and 'The Wicker Man' too. 'League of Extraordinary Gentlemen' was a really big-looking terrible movie, too.

I'll check out 'Showgirls' once I'm finished with the "man" movies. I know you really think highly (or lowly) about it.

Kairow said...

It's not the subject, it's how you present it.

Consider that this movie and "The Dark Knight" are about the same character.

Oh, and Schumacher is a hack.

Shane said...

Ah, thanks Kairow...I'm reminded that I promised to watch 'Showgirls'...

What happened to your blogging, by the way?