X-Men Origins: Wolverine

2009 prequel

Rating: 8/20 (Emma: 20/20; Abbey: 14/20)

Plot: Wolverine's story, leading up to that first X-Men movie. He gets metal put in him, falls in love, chops down trees, and has fights with another furry guy, but not necessarily in that order.

As some of my readers might recall, I sort-of watched this movie with my brother back when it came out. It was a leaked version without completed CGI. My brother tried to tell me that completed special effects wouldn't make a difference, but I really thought they would. Nope. He was right, and I was wrong. Other than Hugh Jackman, who really does his very best to give this a little something, this movie's got nothing going for it. Part of the problem is that it's a prequel, so any fight scene between Wolverine and anybody else has very little if any tension or suspense. And the fight scenes are ludicrous, the CGI effects laughable. I did like the montage during the opening credits that took Liev Schreiber's character and Wolverine through various stages of America's bloody history. I did wonder, as the duo stormed Normandy, why they didn't end up in Saving Private Ryan though. The Liev vs. Wolverine fights though? They're jumpy enough to give you vertigo, and unfortunately, there are about a dozen of them. And they're all sort of the same except the last one which takes place in an implausible location. I can't think of a movie that gets worse and worse and more and more nonsensical like this one does. I thought it had reached the bottom of the barrel with one of those overhead shots showing Wolverine screaming after his girlfriend dies, but I was wrong. Then, I thought we'd reached the bottom when Wolverine, after running around naked for a little too long, interacts with some farm people, farm people who end up dead in a really shocking scene that, to this conservative viewer, just seemed unnecessary. But no, that wasn't the bottom because there's a grotesque Fat Fred who might have been modeled after the obese glutton who dies in Se7en. I'm pretty sure he's got CGI man tits. And there's lots of Will.i.am, poker great Daniel Negreanu, and a climax that seems to go on for hours. The movie's absolutely no fun at all, and unless I missed something, doesn't really give us all that much background about the character or the story that isn't in those first two X-Men movies. This is superfluous entertainment, and no amount of bad special effects could save it. I'm almost insulted that this movie exists.

Bonus points for the work of Septimus Caton as a bartender. "Guys, whatever this is, take it outside." It's easily the best performance in this terrible movie. He's also got a great name.

Hey, I've noticed there's a second Wolverine movie coming out. What the hell could that possibly be about? Emma says we're seeing it in the theater, so I guess I'll know soon enough.

X2

2003 superhero sequel

Rating: 15/20 (Emma: 20/20; Abbey: 16/20)

Plot: The X-Men and X-Women have to find a mysterious mutant monkey man who attempted to assassinate the president, and the bald guys' mutant friends have to team up with the Lord of the Rings wizard and his mutant friends in order to stop the government from killing all the mutants. It's thrilling stuff!

X2? Really? That's the title you're going with?

A question: I don't like those outfits on that poster up there. Why isn't Wolverine wearing yellow and blue like in the comic books I've seen? What am I missing there? I do like Rebecca Romijn's costume though. How hot would it be to date lizard girl, by the way? That scene where she's attempting to seduce Hugh Jackman in a tent forced me to make some adjustments in both my pants and my list of superheroines who I would like to have sexual relations with. That's right--I bumped lizard girl ahead of Wonder Woman. More perversity: Can a guy be horny enough to score with Rogue?

I doubt this movie is really a 15/20, but it's at least 2 points better than the first one. The effects are improved. The vanishing monkey man effect in the White House was very cool, and the vocal music worked so well with that action choreography. I think monkey man is my favorite X-person although I wouldn't be interested in a sexual encounter with him. My least favorite X-person is Cyclops, but I think that's because his need to wear sunglasses indoors makes him look like a complete tool all the time. I think a flaw in the story-telling with these X-Men movies is that all their superpowers and the way they all come together in these scenes just seems a little too convenient. Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, Alan Cumming, and Brian Cox all seem perfectly cast, but again, I'm not a guy who is familiar with the source material for these things. There are a few missteps in this movie--a fight between Wolverine and Girl Wolverine, the weird plastic prison-escape (never understood that whole thing, by the way) with metal balls that managed to simultaneously look cool and be really goofy--but this is better written and has a better look than its predecessor. I'd have high hopes for the third installment, but I've heard bad things.

X-Men

2000 supermutant movie

Rating: 13/20 (Emma: 20/20; Abbey: 16/20)

Plot: The bald guy in the wheelchair and his mutant friends including a guy who wears sunglasses indoors and an albino woman and a fuzzy guy and Boobsy have to stop the guy with the funny-looking helmet and his mutant friends including his own fuzzy guy and a naked blue woman and a guy with a long tongue.

What's all this stuff about evolution? I heard at church camp that it wasn't real. Evolution, an opening scene that takes place in a concentration camp, hints at McCarthyism. I'm not sure this is as smart as it wants to be. In fact, I'm pretty sure this movie indirectly calls Jewish people mutants which doesn't seem very nice. The stories, including Magneto's big plot to take over the world or whatever the hell he's doing, are strong, but the storytelling isn't. Comic book movies usually confuse me, and this one wasn't exactly easy for me although it helped that this was my second time. There's an interesting hodgepodge of mutant super powers which I imagine is part of the appeal, but they do kind of come together in really convenient and therefore kind of unbelievable ways at times. Also kind of unbelievable--the special effects. The multitudinous explosions were fine, probably because Hollywood's had more than enough practice with explosions. However, a scene where Lion Man throws Wolverine around, the senator's oozing through bars and his rubbery visit to a beach, a fast motorcycle, and a big white laser show were all laughable. I was also annoyed by how much these characters talk during action sequences. There's a lesson that action movie screenwriters need to learn: Characters don't need to talk to each other during action sequences. Halle Barry's Storm Lady character actually says, "Do you know what happens when a toad is struck by lightning?"--a line that caused me to miss a chunk of the climax because my eyes were rolling too much. The entire climax at a national landmark is actually pretty dopey. I do like the conflict, especially since the good guys and the bad guys, in a way, are kind of looking for the same thing, but this movie felt repetitious after a while. I also got tired of them finding excuses to get Hugh Jackman to take his shirt off. His character even has a line about that in the movie. Now, don't get me wrong--I'm a warm-blooded American male and can enjoy a shirtless beefcake as much as the next fella, but this got ridiculous after a while.

I hope that's not why Emma's suddenly into X-Men movies. For whatever reason, her biology teacher showed the students this movie in its entirety and part of the sequel. She likes them for some reason. Hopefully, Plastic Man is in the sequels. He's an X-Man, isn't he?

The Avengers

2012 superhero mayhem

Rating: 14/20

Plot: A glowing cube--perhaps the same one from a Transformers movie or something--threatens the existence of mankind, and Samuel L. Jackson and his motherfucking eyepatch have to assemble the titular group of superheroes in order to save everybody. The boring emo villain from Thor's movie is also involved. Thor and his hammer, Iron Man and his snarkiness, Scarlett Johansson and her glorious posterior, Captain America and his patriotic shield, some guy with a bow and arrow, and the Incredible Hulk and his magic indestructible pants team up to deliver all sorts of one-liners and do superheroic things.

I really got tired of hearing about this cube. Everytime one of the characters mentioned "the cube," I just thought, "The cube? Really? Is that the best they could do?" This movie depends on character development from the characters' individual movies except for the two who don't have their own movies. There's potential with Johansson's character maybe and I like her costume because I'm a pervert, but the bow-and-arrow guy (Buckeye?) played by Jeremy Renner is just a dull character. The new Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) is fine; this is the new best movie with the Hulk in it. I still think Chris Evans is perfect for Captain America although he's a little overshadowed by all the personality around him, especially with Downey Jr.'s arrogant Iron Man. And Samuel L. is fine although I prefer him in more realistic roles like he got in Pulp Fiction or the Star Wars prequels. He kind of seems like he's going through the motions here although that could be because he can only use one of his eyes. But look at all those characters! It was a lot to keep track of, and since this is a comic book movie, the plot was almost incomprehensible to me, at least for the first half before everything comes together. All I really understood completely was that there was a cube because that was referred to about three hundred and fifty times. If I had played one of those drinking games where I took a shot each time a character said "the cube," I would have died from alcohol poisoning. Once things were cleared up, this story's a pretty thin earth things vs. alien things with the titular superheroes battling some fairly nondescript and unmemorable space beings who were apparently brought here by the cube. The aliens do have a funky gyrating caterpillar thing, and the destruction to the poor city during the very long climactic action sequence is an impressive demonstration of terrific special effects and creative camera movements. There's one sequence in particular that I really enjoyed where the camera was swooping around to the different characters kicking ass--like Thor would hammer somebody 200 feet away while the camera follows to reveal Buckeye shooting an arrow which the camera would follow to the Hulk smashing something. It was very well done, almost poetic comic book character movements and cartoon violence.

For those of you who keep up with this sort of thing--Is Buckeye going to get his own movie eventually? How about the cube?

The Amazing Spider-Man

2012 superhero reboot

Rating: 9/20

Plot: It's just like this Spider-Man (hyphenated for Kent) except with a mutant lizard man instead of a goblin. And this one is in 3D.

Thank God! I've been wanting a movie to explain the origin of Spider-man for years!
It's like they decided to celebrate the 10th anniversary of the Sam Raimi Spider-Man by releasing the same movie again with different actors and a different villain. When that first movie came out, the story already felt stale to me because Spider-Man was one of the handful of superheroes who had a backstory that I knew fairly well. So here's the story again, so soon after the other one came out that it's impossible not to compare the two. I'm not going to do much of that, however, other than taking time to mention that there was a Randy "Macho Man" Savage-sized hole in this one.

This is what they showed me on the plane. I was going to try sleeping but couldn't. It's entirely possible that I dozed off throughout this, and I'm pretty sure it was edited for time. Either of those could explain why this seemed so choppy and poorly-paced. And there seemed to be quite a few lazy storyteller shortcuts in this, like how the bad guy finds out that Peter Parker is really Spider-Man. This is heavy on the one-liners--as predictably lame as one-liners can get--and since you can't see Spider-Man's mouth move, they always seemed like voice-overs, lines added during the punch-up stages of the script-writing process. The action sequences are dizzying and cartoony, all special effect and no soul, and since you already know how everything's going to turn out in the end, you kind of just want them to end. I really liked Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker. He's charming enough and everything. This version of Spider-Man was a little too cocky though, and that character trait was either not developed enough (i.e. Spider-Man as a dynamic character who learns a little humility while he fights crime) or that was lost in the airplane edit. Denis Leary and Emma Stone's characters were silly cliches, and Rhys Ifans and his stump were really good, the lizard villain (I think he's named The Lizard) just didn't do it for me. The budding romance between Peter Parker and whatever the girl's name seems like it was developed to grab fans of Twilight movies. I might have just thought that because of Garfield's hair though. Oh, I did like Charlie Sheen's dad as Uncle Ben although he was also a little cartoonish. This adaptation of the Spidey story has a troubling lack of depth, a movie made for teenyboppers. If you're easily entertained by watching a guy in spandex fly around the city, there's plenty of that. A lot of that, I'm sure, was for the 3D or even just big screen crowd. I was just irritated. More irritating was a scene where a bunch of tough New Yorkers--construction workers and firemen, aka the real heroes--help out our titular superhero with some cranes. And most irritating? That would have to be the music, a horrible mix of bombastic blockbuster score and emo tunes.

Hopefully, the studio that makes these Spider-Man movies will give a little better effort in 2022 when they reboot this again. And hopefully, the sequel to this tedious reboot will reunite Sally Field and Burt Reynolds. It's about time Burt Reynolds gets a shot to play a comic book villain. Maybe he can be that guy with all the arms or the Riddler.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

2011 action movie

Rating: 25/20

Plot: The titular guy with the flaming skull has to fight the devil in order to save not only a boy's life but the entire world. Bring it on!

This whole movie feels like the cover of a heavy metal album that has come to live for the purpose of eating your stinking soul. That's especially true of flaming motorcycle cam scenes where Nic Cage's face starts contorting and getting all Ghost-Ridery. It's pretty badass. This sequel or reboot or whatever it is is a lot better than the first movie although that honestly doesn't say a lot. No, it's not a true 25/20, but there's a scene where the Ghost Rider pisses fire. And oh my God that might be the best thing that I've ever seen--Cage standing on the back of a moving truck demonstrating with some of his own flaming urine sound effects is magical all by itself, but when it changed to the Ghost Rider pissing fire, looking back at the audience, definitely breaking that fourth wall, and nodding his skull head? Holy hell, that's something to behold! It made me wonder if there was something I could buy in a toy store--similar to Hulk hands that make smashing noises or a Captain America shield--that would allow children to urinate flames. I'm a little confused about Ghost Rider's superpowers actually. Apparently, he can eat bullets, spin around while perpendicular about five feet in the air, survive missiles, turn all vehicles he drives into fire vehicles, and make people explode with a chain. And, of course, he can piss fire. The general tone of this movie feels different than it did with that first movie, but I'm probably not remembering it very well. There's almost non-stop action, right from the get-go with some crazy shaky-cam monastery kidnapping action and a car chase scene, but this also feels a lot more tongue-in-cheek. There's a humor I either don't remember or was too distracted to see. Nicolas Cage doesn't laugh at a monkey in this movie though. Cage's performance adds to his legendary list of unhinged credits. There's a scene where the Ghost Rider does a cute little dance while a nondescript bad guy says "Get some" which was nice, but the best scene is where he really loses his shit, makes himself twitch like no other actor is capable of doing, laughs like no other actor can laugh, and says "Scratching at the door, scratching at the door!" in this unearthly falsetto. He also threatens to eat somebody's stinking soul. He also narrates a bit (of course, because he's Nicolas Cage), reminds me of The Wicker Man remake with a line about bees, and gets a terrific line that I think might have been lifted from an original draft of Die Hard--"Merry Christmas, you assholes!" That line had to be improvised. And Nicolas Cage has to be on drugs. I also liked the too-brief performance of a guy playing a Swedish hippie who says, "Dude, what happened?" There are lots of "dudes" in this movie actually. And enough references to Twinkies to make me wonder if Hostess had some kind of deal. I can't imagine a urinating Ghost Rider being on a box of Twinkies next to the Twinkie cowboy with his lasso. Despite all the moments in this movie with a raw sublimity that will likely make you either spew blood or ejaculate right in your pants, this movie is a whole lot of dumb. When the devil gives the main bad guy the "power of decay," it apparently also involves giving him bad blond hair for some reason, and he succeeds in looking stupid rather than menacing. A big motorcycle stunt has either the dumbest or greatest musical selection backing it--a guitar-driven song with the lyrics "I got a velvet itch, I got a velvet itch, I got a velvet itch in my jeans." There's the randomly jerking camera, a trick I don't normally like in action movies and that here seems even more irritating. There's an unnecessary dig at Jerry Springer, and a subtitle that read "All chanting in demonic language." And a climactic fight scene on top of moving vehicles was about the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen, and I had just seen a leather-clad flaming-skulled guy urinating fire about an hour before. I did laugh at a whispered "Roadkill" that punctuated that fight though. I did appreciate a very obvious Wilhelm scream though. This movie is far from great, but at least it's a consistently entertaining bad movie.

Captain America: The First Avenger

2011 history lesson

Rating: 15/20

Plot: It's the exact same plot as this movie actually.

Either I'm in a really good mood or Captain America: Full Sequence is the best of these pre-Avengers Marvel movies. As always, I went into this knowing nothing of the titular superhero. Like the rest of these superhero movies, this does a fine job of explaining Captain America's origins. It's a lot like the other superhero origin stories, but I really like how the protagonist becomes no more than a goofy propaganda symbol before he runs off doing remarkable things. And the makers of this really nail it with the stage shows and posters and things. They also nail 1940's America which looks stylized and cool, straight out of a comic maybe. The bad guys are the same ones in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Nazis with an interest in the occult, although there could have been a better bad guy than Red Skull Man. The special effects are mostly fine although there is a scene where Captain America, right after he gets his powers and starts dressing like a flag, runs in a way that makes Superman's running in the original Christopher Reeve movie look normal. It's the newly-Superheroed Rubbery Blubbery Leg Syndrome, I guess. I don't know much about Chris Evans, the guy who plays Mr. America here, but he also played Fire Man in the Fantastic Four movie. I'll have to watch that one, I suppose, just in case they're in the Avengers movie. Speaking of those guys. Fire Man, The Rock, Ice Surfer. Who else is there? But I digress. I liked Chris Evans as the hero here. I also liked Tommy Lee Jones who seems to do his best work when grumpy. This is the type of movie that a true patriot, such as myself, would have trouble not enjoying. I mean, watching this red white and blue guy sneaking around in such a dopey superhero costume with the most conspicuous prop ever? What's not to like there? How come I didn't read about any of this in my 8th grade American history class?

I was pretty sure that this contained some inaccuracies and thought I'd do a bit of research to get things right and not offend comic book aficionados who might stumble in and read this. So I looked up the bad guy's name. Red Skull really was his name! I just have to assume I'm right about the rest of this stuff, too.

The Dark Knight Rises

2012 blockbuster

Rating: 16/20 (Kent: 19/20; Dara: 15/20)

Plot: [Spoiler free!] One of my creepier experiences was when I was at a grocery store in Terre Haute called Great Scot. I was eight, and one of my favorite things to do was roll the Coke bottles down the noisy conveyor belt. My mother wandered off--as she frequently did--to take care of the bottles, and I was approached by a guy in a raggedy trench coat. He had a mustache, one of those mustaches, and I didn't trust him, mostly because one of his hands was submerged in the folds of the trench coat. In my eight-year-old brain, I could only assume that he either had a gun or a penis in that unseen hand, and either way, I wasn't comfortable with the way this trip to the grocery store was going to end. "Hey, kiddie," he said in a way that could be described as damp, "want to see my Batman comic." I ran off and found my mom loading up the cart with Zingers and told her about the encounter. "Well," she said, "I've warned you about that."

Is there another third superhero (I know, I know--Batman ain't a superhero) movie that is any good at all? Superman III is a travesty. Spiderman III is embarrassing. I don't remember the other Batman's third movie, but I assume it's awful. I had my doubts about this one, but it's a satisfying conclusion to the trilogy. The Dark Knight is better, mostly because of Ledger's use of hand sanitizer, but I really enjoyed where this one took the characters and where it left them. Now, you need to be aware that I am typing these words as a person who does not read Batman comic books. I don't know how faithful Nolan is to those, but I really don't care about that sort of thing all that much. There are a handful of new additions to the cast. As much as I like Matthew Modine, I don't really understand why his character is around so much or why he's Matthew Modine. I wasn't excited to see any Catwomen in this, maybe because of that dreadful Halle Berry movie, but Anne Hathaway has a nice shape to her and her character was really interesting. The rapport with her and Bale was great. The other new addition is the villain Bane played by Tom Hardy. He's a good villain, a combination of evil brains and terrifying brawn, but having to follow the Joker? Those are tough purple britches to fill! Still, it's a great character until the very end when something unfortunate happens which lame-ifies him a bit more than I'm comfortable with. A lot was made of the voice when the previews came out, but I really liked it even though I really wish I had subtitles during a couple scenes. It was Sean Connery in a gas mask. Bale's voice remains irritating. I guess I understand the need to disguise his voice, but why does he need to use the deep-voiced, gravelly Batman voice when it's just him and Alfred? Bale, as I said an hour or so ago, makes a good Batman, but I think he's an even better Bruce Wayne, and this trilogy is really more about Bruce Wayne and his redemption than it is Batman. Or maybe it's about Gotham City, a microcosm of modern humanity. Marion Cotillard isn't very good in this, but Joseph Gordon-Levitt turns on his action hero switch and makes his character work. I also really liked how this connected to the other two movies, referencing the first thematically and tying it all together in some nifty and relatively non-cheesy ways. This movie does have one of the lamest death scenes you're ever likely to see. No, I'm not even talking about that one. I'm talking about the one that comes after that. There were also all kinds of time problems during the climax. I thought for a moment that I was watching 24 or something. As with the first movie, you've got some stuff that happens right when it's supposed to happen, but I can probably ignore that. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention Michael Caine when I wrote about Batman Begins, and I don't want to forget him here. Where the other actors play their parts, Caine manages to rise to a new level here. His story in this third movie was surprisingly touching. These movies aren't perfect, but even though I'm far from an expert on this kind of movie, I'm pretty sure it'll be the best superhero trilogy for a very long time. At least until they get start on those Plastic Man movies.

Am I weird for wanting a Catwoman action figure? How about if I purchase one while wearing a trench coat?

The Dark Knight Redux

2008 middle movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: I once played poker with a woman dressed as Heath Ledger's Joker. It was around Halloween time, but it still didn't make a lot of sense. It was before I saw The Dark Knight, so I didn't know if she was imitating the character or just gassy. I'll tell you one thing though--I'm pretty sure people dressed as movie characters have more tells than people dressed as ordinary people. If I'm remembering correctly, I won almost 13 dollars that night.

I like how all three of these movies open with a bat symbol.

What an opening this one has! Wisely, this starts with the Joker who is the most intriguing character in a trilogy with a lot of intriguing characters. Unwisely, this doesn't end with the Joker, and when I wrote about this movie the first time, that was the biggest problem for me. Once the antagonist is gone, there's no need to continue things unless you're trying to set up the third movie which Nolan isn't even doing here. I didn't get it. Why the hell does this movie keep going? Watching this a second time, it makes a little more sense. The movie isn't the Joker's story. If it was, we'd be disappointed because there isn't a beginning to the story. And it's not Batman's story either. This is really Harvey Dent's story, his fall from grace, and his eventual demise. And as Harvey Dent's story, that final 30 minutes or so is absolutely necessary. Of course, the problem is that the character who gives this film its fire is gone, and Two-Face, no matter how many times he flips that coin of his, just can't carry that final chunk of movie. It's not Aaron Eckhart's fault; he's fine as this brash character, really another perfect choice for a role in these movies. No, it's all the Joker's fault. So back to that opening. From the get-go, nearly everything Heath Ledger does here is perfect. I even love the way he walks, this swagger that he's got, in the opening scene in the bank. And the music in this opening bit is incredible, building this perfect tension. Since childhood, I was always more attracted to the villains in movies--Boba Fett, Lex Luthor, The Blockheads, the list goes on--and as an adult, Ledger's villain is one you can really sink your teeth in. And although you might not want to completely get on board with what the guy is doing, the Joker's argument does actually make some sense, doesn't it? This isn't really a movie about good vs. evil anyway. It's more a clash of philosophies or ideologies, and that's what really gives it its strength. It definitely gives the most dynamic fifteen-or-so-minutes in the entire trilogy (arguably. . .I might have to reconsider this one) its power. The interrogation, the rush to the buildings where Dent and Maggie are about to be blown to smithereens, the Joker's prison games. Is there a fifteen minute chunk of movie that is as intense as that? There's another powerful scene where the camera circles Maggie Gyllenhaal and the Joker. Intensity. Whenever Ledger's on the screen, this is magical. His disappearing pencil, the dark humor in the dialogue, his greed at the bank, his shenanigans when he meets the mob, the burning pile of money, the dangerous game he plays near the end of the movie. It's all so good, but you know what my favorite Joker moment is? It's when he is leaving the hospital and stops to use the hand sanitizer. Such a beautiful little detail. The rest of the cast? More of the same. They're fine, and Gyllenhaal is an improvement over Tom Cruise's ex-wife. William Fichtner gets a small part as a badass bank manager. The action stuff is fine, thrilling enough and refreshingly filmed with few computer-aided special effects. There's a dopey helicopter crash though. This is a nearly-great movie which is why its flaws are so frustrating. Batman's new voice? The whole sonar cell phone thing? "Have a nice trip? See you next fall." Did that line actually happen in this movie?

I really liked a truck driver's performance in this. I think his name is Jim Wilkey although Jim Wilkey is only credited with stunts. His performance was even better than Heath Ledger's!

Batman Begins Redux

2005 superhero movie

Rating: 15/20

Plot: But Batman isn't a superhero, Shane! I know it's a free country and all, but you shouldn't even have the right to type a blog entry about this movie if you think Batman is a superhero. You just don't get Batman. The character is too cerebral for you or something. Why don't you go find some Japanese website that will sell you bootleg dvd's of season one of Plastic Man or something. Or watch Up again and avoid comic book movies altogether. Geez Louise!

A couple questions: Why, if you know your son had a traumatic experience with bats after he fell in a well and frequently has bat-related nightmares, would you take him to a weirdo opera that has bats in it? That's just bad parenting. And how did Liam Neeson get all those bats on that mountain?

I'd promised to give these movies another shot and figured that the week prior to the release of the last movie was a good enough time to make it happen. I've seen them all now and liked these first two a little better than I did the first go-around. First thing I notice is how perfect the casting is. I've trashed Christian Bale many times on this blog, but that was only because he looks like a guy who started yelling at me (for no good reason!) at a shopping mall once, right in front of The Gap. Who knows--maybe it actually was Christian Bale? But still, that's no reason to hate him as an actor, and he's a really good Batman, at least in this one before his voice changes. He is a lot more believable as an actual human being during scenes where he's not required to think or show any emotion though. Tom Wilkinson as Falcone is really good, just the perfect accent for the part he's playing. Ken Watanabe gets to stand around. Gary Oldman is just about as good as it gets here; he adds a depth to this character who, from my limited comic book and Batman experience, always seemed like a fairly generic character. Liam Neeson is his usual awesome self with his "Death does not wait" and other trash talk. Morgan Freeman plays himself, but he plays that part really well. And what the hell? Mark Boone Junior is haunting me or something. Dude actually showed up in my dream the other night, did this little juggling fiery bowling balls trick while saying, "Got my eyes locked on you, buddy--I'm doing this instinctively!" The dream ended with the whole world on fire. One criticism that I had about this movie the first time was a villain that I couldn't get too excited about, but the Scarecrow character--played in a kind of silly way by Cillian Murphy, a guy with a silly first name--is fascinating. Weaponized hallucinogenics? The weak spots are Gus Lewis as young Christian Bale and Linus Roache as Batman's dad, both not on the screen enough to really matter. Batman's dad should have been Gary Sinese or--and I might be stretching things a bit here--Denzel Washington. On the screen more than enough to matter is Katie Holmes who is just not a very good actress. The action sequences don't always thrill me. An early one in prison is so choppy and quickly edited that I actually got a little dizzy. I could have watched a lot more of those old-school kung-fu-ish training sequences with Liam throwing out all these little Yoda-esque nuggets of wisdom. The destruction of the League of Shadows pad was fine if you suspend your disbelief enough, but that slide down the mountain to save Liam Neeson looked ridiculous. Once Batman pops into the movie, the action works better. A brawl at the dock, one that played on the whole idea of fear as a weapon really nicely and showed off Batman's ninja skills, was great, all swooping black and peek-a-boos. There are a couple big action scenes where things happen just in the nick of time, all too typical of big big action movies. It takes away some of the realism and reminds me too much of the television series in those moments. And it's all set to this giant movie music from Hans Zimmer and James Newton Howard which really fits but almost cheapens things. Things are poured on really thick in the end with a Bruce Wayne and Gordon love subplot. Throw in a bunch of scenes with a badass bat tank with thankfully only a few dopey jokes to interrupt the proceedings, and you've got a very good first act for this trilogy, one that never really feels like it needs to find its feet at all.

Oh, I forgot to mention Michael Caine. Did it surprise anybody at all that he's perfect for the role of Alfred?

Thor

2011 religious movie

Rating: 8/20

Plot: Odin's titular kid is too cocky and stirs up too much trouble, so he's sent from Asgard to earth where he falls in love with Natalie Portman and saves humanity from some bad guy from Asgard who is up to evil things that I never quite understand because I'm too bored to pay attention.

If I'm going to eventually watch The Avengers, apparently the greatest movie ever made, I have to do my homework and watch these other movies. I've got Hulk and Iron Man covered, so it's just this and Captain America. I'm not exactly a comic book or superhero expert, but when the most interesting character in the whole movie is "Pet Store Clerk" played by some guy named Isaac Kappy, you probably have a sucky superhero movie. Isaac Kappy's had a great start to a very promising career, by the way. No, he doesn't have his picture on imdb.com yet, but he does have three message board posts on his page and only one of them is his. He just hasn't had the right role yet because his work as "Pet Store Clerk" in this is fantastic. He's played Rowdy Prisoner, Stoner Dude, Geek, Buzter Pie (in Klown Kamp Massacre), and Hustler, but I'm willing to bet his best work is still to come. But back to Thor since this is his movie, unfortunately for him. This is the least fun I've had watching a superhero movie with the exception of Spiderman 3, but Spiderman 3 did at least have a great scene where James Franco is enjoying pie. It's all so stiff and lifeless and the scenes on Asgard taste a lot like the inside of a computer. So many grand swooping fake camera movements over shiny castles. Look at the scene where, accompanied by giant omnipresent predictable music, Thor and his peeps ride horses on a iridescent bridge after these big fake doors open. It just made me wish that I was watching a Western with real people riding real horses. Then, they go to a yellow-eyed guy who watches over the bridge. He turns out to be important, and if more people read this blog, some comic book nerd (Kent?) would tell me what his name was and make fun of me for not knowing it. I could stop all that from happening by just looking it up, but my eyes still hurt a little bit from all the Asgard glossiness. I really hated the action scenes in this. It didn't take long for me to be convinced that this whole movie was just part of a conspiracy to sell plastic hammers to children. But the action scenes confused me, especially the one where they loudly fight in the land of the ice people. There's a lot of swooshing and a lot of crumbling things, but it was mostly too dark for me to figure out exactly what was happening. Or maybe it was my television. I'm too lazy to Google "Guy with yellow eyes on the shiny gay bridge in Thor," so it's not hard to believe that I'd be too lazy to adjust the brightness on my television. Things improve slightly once Thor hits earth, and this part of the movie really could have worked as an entry in the whole stranger-in-a-strange-land genre if ("What realm is this?") it just didn't take itself so seriously. I did chortle when Thor smashed a glass in a diner. I might have enjoyed that part of the movie more, but I was confused about how a taser could take a superhero out, probably because I didn't watch this with a comic book nerd (Kent?) who would have explained it all to me. And what's with all the tilted camera angles in this? Was it the cinematographer's ingenious way of showing that Thor's world had become askew? Was it an homage to the comics? The dialogue in this is very awkward, and that might explain why the acting is almost universally bad (Pet Shop Clerks excepted), especially Natalie Portman who is quickly becoming a sort of pet peeve for me. She needs to stop before she loses all credibility. And speaking of credibility, why is Kenneth Branagh directing stuff like this? Did he run out of Shakespeare plays? Did somebody convince him that this was a Shakespeare play? Another question--isn't the whole Thor-as-a-Christ-figure thing a bit odd? Or is the whole father/son story (that's how Netflix categorized this for me, by the way) an archetype? Anyway, back to the movie. Eventually, Thor magically--and by that, I mean stupidly--gets his hammer back and fights a giant metal man in a tornado. And that's not even the big dumb climactic fight scene that all of these superhero movies seem to end with. No, that pits the sort-of good against the ambiguously evil in a special effects laden bunch of hurls and clashes that succeeded in making me wish I had gone to bed instead of watching this. And it was four in the afternoon!

This is fairly verbose, so let me simplify things for you: Watch this with a comic book nerd (Kent?), give your comic book nerd instructions to wake you up in time to see the scene in the pet store, fall asleep before the movie starts, watch Isaac Kappy's genius, and leave to buy an ice cream cone. You can thank me later.

The Warriors

1979 gang movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: During a big gang get-together at a New York City park, a charismatic gang member is murdered. The titular gang is blamed. Without any weapons but their spunk, they have to return to Coney Island, preferably alive, while moving through hostile territories.

So prior to this, was the whole live-action-freeze-frame-turning-into-a-comic-book-page been done before? I liked it here even though I feel like I've seen it too much lately in other movies. I liked the variety of gangs but kind of wished there were more of them as they were more colorful than the rather boring Warriors. I can imagine the conversations they have about their gangs' themes. "Ok, so you want to go with leather vests and no shirts--headbands optional? Sounds good to me? Anybody object?" I liked the clown baseball players, the mimes, and The Orphans led by either a retarded David Schwimmer or a David Schwimmer who was beaten repeatedly with a Ralph Macchio. And then there was a scene with a long guy wearing overalls and roller skates in the subway, and wondered, "Can he technically be considered 'a gang' all by himself?" before seeing that he had some friends. David Patrick Kelly plays the main villain a little too goofily, but that little "Come out the play" bottle trick is a nice musical number. I wish the fight scenes were a little more realistic or at least choreographed. I guess there's a chaos to them that does create a sort of realism. But I don't know. A lot of the fighting looks so much like play fighting. I did like a scene where a guy in overalls gets punched, hurls himself into a wall melodramatically, has a baseball bat broken across his stomach, and then falls awkwardly onto a trash can. This is an entertaining little B-movie apparently loosely based on a historical Greek battle legend which I think means you could probably show it in school.

Spiderman

2002 superhero movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Young Peter Parker deals with puberty and tries, despite having a "grandmother with benefits" relationship with his grandma, to get it on with the neighbor girl. He has an affair with a spider and begins developing some superhuman abilities, like the ability to beat up Randy "the Macho Man" Savage. Meanwhile, his best friend's dad keeps turning into Metallic Elf Man and tries to kill everybody. A whole bunch of characters get the chance to say "With great power comes great responsibility." And the audience wishes they were watching the one with the tentacle guy instead.

And the Academy Award for Best Use of a Retired Wrestler in an Action Movie goes to. . .Randy "Macho Man" Savage. Actually, I'd give him best actor, best actress, best picture, whatever the guy wanted. Yes, best picture because Randy "Macho Man" Savage is Spiderman. Out of the 12 points I'm giving this movie, the late wrastler represents 11.5 of them.

Time hasn't treated Spiderman very well. The story, the Spiderman-origin story, is tired anyway, and although I liked some of the human element in the story and thought Tom Cruise made a pretty good Spiderman, I would much rather read the comic book or watch the old cartoon version of this. But those special effects! They look awful, just so cartoony, especially when Spiderman or the green guy are doing there thing in broad daylight. The darkness of the city covers up the limitations of the special effects, but Spiderman's floppiness (he suffers a bit from Superman Leg Syndrome) just looks silly when the sun's out. Speaking of Superman, this is an obvious attempt to capture some of the magic of that superhero movie, but it just doesn't work and the novelty of seeing Spiderman dicking around with his new gifts early in the film wears off about as fast as Tom Cruise's lone facial expression in this movie.

Question of the Day: Who do you think would win in a fight--Macho Man or El Santo? Wait! Don't answer that. Either way, you're going to make yourself a powerful enemy.

Urine Couch AM Movie Club: American Splendor

2003 movie

Rating: 17/20

Plot: The real life and comic life of the very real Harvey Pekar, author of the American Splendor comics that R. Crumb illustrated, collide in a multimedia presentation.

This is a brilliantly layered movie with some stunning transformative performances from Paul Giamatti, Hope Davis, and Judah Friedlander. I dig the playfulness of this one, the twisting of reality, the meandering metafilm technique, the weaving in and out of documentary and narrative. American Splendor is a fun and completely unique biopic that makes you laugh and wonder, taking jabs at the absurdities of human existence. I really like it.

But I would really like to write about something else that happened during this Urine Couch AM Movie Club. About a half hour after I got to work, a transvestite, one of our guests, waltzed in. He had a wig, layers and layers of make-up, a nice blouse, a very short black skirt, these sexy fishnet stocking things, and some black high heels. I know what you're thinking, too. Man, Shane really checked this guy out. Yeah, and what's your point? He asked for a new room key and then sashayed out for what I assumed would be a glamorous evening. Around four-thirty in the morning, he/she came in. I was watching this and heard the ice machine in the room behind me. I peeked through the door and saw that it was my transvestite friend again. He got his ice (I can only imagine what he's using it for) and then walked into the lobby to ask when I'm putting our luxurious continental breakfast out--a few "Manager's Special" doughnuts, some coffee, napkins. I tell him that I usually do that after my movies have ended but offer him the rest of yesterday's doughnuts. He took two stale doughnuts and thanked me. "Man, thank you so much. I just don't have any money right now." He high-heeled out again, and I sat down to enjoy more American Splendor. Fifteen minutes later, he came back with a shrink-wrapped pornographic dvd. He flashed both sides at me and said, "Hey, do you know anybody who would be interested in buying this for five dollars?" I apologized and told him that I didn't.

I found out the next day that he refused to leave. He told our front desk person that she was going to have to call the police because he wasn't going anywhere.

Oprah Movie Club Pick for June: V for Vendetta

2006 Britney Spears biopic (you know, the bald thing)

Rating: 17/20 (Rubber Duck: Oops. I forgot to ask him.)

Plot: A clueless guy named Mr. V. just doesn't understand Halloween. Not only does he dress up a week late, but his "tricks" include throwing knives at people and blowing up buildings when he doesn't get an adequate amount of candy. He's too old for Halloween anyway! He meets that stripper from that one movie and tries to impress her with his jukebox and barber skills.

I tried to get Rubber Duck, official June Oprah Movie Club picker, to do the write-up for this one because a) he's a better writer than I am and b) he's smarter and probably has a better understanding of the movie than I do. Unfortunately, he's got better things to do, so you're stuck with me.

I have not read the Alan Moore/David Lloyd comics this is based on. Kent, who wrote about this movie and the comic previously on his own blog, can give some background there.

I tried to take some notes during this movie, but I was worried Rubber Duck would poke fun at me. I wrote down "a vice of Larder" at one point, so apparently notes wouldn't do me much good anyway.

As entertainment, I think this movie is solid stuff. You've got one of the most intriguing and unforgettable characters ever in the titular V. Hugo Weaving doesn't get a chance to act much as V since he's hidden behind a mask the entire movie. It's more like he's doing voice work for an animated movie. It's good voice work though. What's amazing to me is that the mask is so expressive when shot from different angles. There are times when you're watching the Guy Fawkes mask, and it almost seems to change expressions. And I still swear that there are a couple scenes where they add blush to that thing. Portman's as good as she usually is even though she unfortunately kept her clothes on the entire movie. Like Sinead O'Connnor and Britney Spears, she helps prove that bald women can be beautiful. She's run through a range of emotions in an oft-physical role and does a great job. There weren't as many action scenes as I remembered. Some key explosions that felt more artsy-fartsy than Rambo-ish, probably because of the classical music score, and two dazzling fight sequences that remind us the Matrix boys had something to do with this. It's poetic violence and never corny. John Hurt also stands out as Adam Sutler. The story is told vibrantly. It's artistic and stylish. But the beauty of the film is the way it can have so much emotional depth. Unlike the Matrix movies, even the only one that anybody could call any good at all, this one forces you to care about not only the characters but what they stand for. There is a little twist at the end that makes me cringe though.

Thematically, this is a little gummy. It's one of those thickly thematic movies, one that you don't really stop trying to piece together for a few days after you watch it. I like what it has to say about the power of ideas, how they can be dangerous and how they can be our saviors. But the story's packed with messages about faith, about symbols, about fear, about words, and about truth, all hitting home in timeless ways with an ending that I'd describe as cynically optimistic. It's all pretty powerful stuff, and I look forward to hearing what you people have to say about it.

Kick-Ass

2010 comic book movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Although he's not been bitten by a radioactive chicken or peed upon by a radioactive monkey, comic aficionado Dave decides to become a superhero. He sends off for a costume, dubs himself Kick-Ass, and wanders the city in search of crime to fight. He finds out quickly that fighting crime ain't all that easy after his first attempt puts him in the hospital with numerous broken bones. But he doesn't give up on his dream and eventually gets some media attention for his exploits. Meanwhile, a father/daughter crime fighting duo with actual superhero training and a hodgepodge of weaponry make plans to overthrow a big-time crime lord responsible for the death of their wife/mother. Their paths cross.

I'm not a comic book guy. Kairow is, and that's probably why one night during our freshman year at Johnson Bible College, the two of us and a guy called Wombat dressed up as superheros, left our dorm after curfew, and tried to find our campus security guard. I'm not completely sure what our goal was. We were probably just bored, and after Kairow had discovered that his pant leg (after he cut it off to make himself some bitchin' jean shorts) actually fit over his head, there's no way it wouldn't become a mask. And if he had a mask, he'd have to have a cape. And if he had a mask and a cape and a thing of Stain Stick and a cool superhero name like Stain Stick Man, then I'd have to have a costume. So I become the Human Fly with a jock-strap worn over some running tight things and a see-through hat over my face. And a tennis racket. I think that was the only thing I ever used the tennis racket for actually. Wombat was the type of guy who had both boxing gloves (no, he was not exactly a boxer; too round) and a monk outfit, so he became the Boxing Monk, probably the ballsiest of the trio since his face wasn't even covered. We waited outside our dorm entrance for a while before wandering off to find the security guard. We finally located them (didn't make me feel all that secure, I must say) and approached the car. Then, probably anticlimactically, we had the following conversation:

Stain Stick Man: Hello!
Security Guy: Hi.
Stain Stick Man: What are you boys doing out so late tonight?
Security Guy: Not much. How about you guys?
Stain Stick Man: Just fightin' crime.

Then, we walked back to the dorm. And that was pretty much that.

My point? We almost came up with this idea before the comic book was written. And it was a much more entertaining way to spend ninety minutes. No, I'm not saying that the makers of Kick-Ass ripped us off and owe us royalties or anything. I'm not exactly saying that it's a rip-off of anything. But it did have a tone similar to Scott Pilgrim, only less thrilling and with a protagonist who wasn't quite as likable or Michael Cera-ish. The romantic subplot made it seem derivative, like an 80's movie, and there wasn't anything going on with the main plot that felt like anything I've never seen before. It wasn't funny enough or playful enough to be satire either, so to me, it was just another comic book movie, and aside from a couple vibrant fight scenes featuring the cute little girl, a pretty tired one. Oh, and Nic Cage's surprisingly subdued performance as Big Daddy. I like how he Adam Wests it up when in the superhero garb, and the majority of the fun in Kick-Ass, is courtesy of America's finest actor. Craig Ferguson's also got a cameo, and it's always good to see him.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

2010 rom-com fantasy mayhem

Rating: 15/20

Plot: 22-year-old Pilgrim's on the rebound after being dumped by his girlfriend. He spends his time playing with his band, Sex Bob-ombs (Mario reference), and hanging out with his high school girlfriend, Knives. They've even held hands. One night and falls for Ramona. Things are going well as they start dating, but soon, her evil ex-boyfriends start appearing out of nowhere to battle Scott, Mortal Kombat style!

I'm not a gamer although I have spent considerable amounts of time with a joystick, and yes, I'm aware there's a double meaning there. I'm not a comic book guy, and I probably wouldn't have known this was based on graphic novels if not for Kairow. Romantic-comedy ain't my genre, and over-the-top action movies annoy me. I really doubt, since I'm fastly approaching elderly, that I'm anywhere near the right demographic. Scott Pilgrim is a loud, often repetitive assault on the senses, a barrage of wackiness and fantastical mischief. But you know what? It's a hell of a lot of fun! It's a fervent and fresh approach to your old boy-meets-girl story, managing to have a style of its own despite plagiarizing from everything from the Batman t.v. show to Donkey Kong. It's a potpourri of pop-culture regurgitations, spewing technicolor from the television screen right in my lap, but I didn't mind a bit. The pace is rapid, and the jokes come a mile a minute. Not all of them connect (more than a few probably because I'm twice as old as Michael Cera) but it's stuffed full with so many of them that the fpm (funny per minute) is still impressive. Speaking of Michael Cera, an actor young enough to be my son, he plays the same character he always plays but with bushier hair. I still like that character, but I wonder what's going to happen to this kid's career when he hits puberty. Creative, energetic and, if not especially meaningful, lots and lots of fun. I would definitely see it again.

Beck (the American Cornelius) and Cornelius (the Japanese Beck) did songs for this.

Jonah Hex

2010 comic book Western

Rating: 9/20

Plot: In postbellum America, Jonah Hex is Civil War hero turned ruthless bounty hunter. The government enlists him to help find John Malkovich and his posse, Wild West terrorist who hope to bring America to its knees by using the same weapon technology that Jar Jar Binks and his friends used in The Phantom Menace--glowing orbs. Hex is all over that because Malkovich is the guy who scarred his face and killed his family.

A lot of this movie is incoherent. The plot's easy enough to follow, and the characters are nothing but cardboard types, but the individual parts that made up this whole just didn't make a lot of sense. It has the kind of fight scenes where you lose focus and can't keep track of what's going on. It's almost like that feeling when somebody turns off the lights and you can't figure out what's happening until your eyes adjust. Watching the action sequences in this movie was just like that feeling. The ultra-modern look of the movie almost clashed with the post-Civil-War and dusty town settings, and the score, thick in rockin' electronic git-fiddles, really annoyed me. There were some moments here (I like the first gun fight scene that winked at predecessors) and Josh Brolin was pretty good as the anti-hero type although his character does seem like a composite of a handful of silver screen anti-heroes. And despite all the whining about Megan Fox lately, I liked it when she was on the screen. But I suspect Jonah Hex is a movie that should have stayed a comic book, a film that cries out, "Look at how fresh I am! I'm new!" while actually seeming like nothing more than a Sin City rip-off.

What do you think, Kairow? Comic/movie comparison?

Batman and Robin

1997 superhero movie


Rating: 4/20


Plot: Homoerotic superboys Batman and Robin have to save Gotham from an ice man and a hippie.


My random thoughts as I watched Batman and Robin, a movie recommended by Barry, one of my favorite blog readers:


--Great choice to start this movie with close-ups of both Batman and Robin's rear ends.
--Batman on Ice? Oh, my. This is full of stupid.
--I'm 4% into this movie and have realized that 90% of the dialogue in this is going to be made up of bad puns.
--These action sequences make no sense. People float. And Batman certainly went through a lot of flipping and sliding just to kick Schwarzenegger in the chest, all while Arnold just stands and watches.
--Nice to see that Mr. Freeze has to copulate with his little rocket thing in order to drive it. I believe I just saw hip thrusting as he said, "Oh, yes!" Apparently, Mr. Freeze and his rocket climaxed simultaneously.
--This movie only has one color in it--blue. That's not going to work for me.
--I wonder how much better this movie would be if I turned the sound off?
--I wonder how much better this movie would be if I turned the visual off?
--What the hell is Uma talking about and why is she saying it like that?
--"Yes. Yes. Let the poisons and toxins dig a grave for you into the dirt you love so much." Now that is some sharp writing.
--OK, here's a shot of Mr. Freeze becoming Mr. Freeze. It's shot by a security camera but it has zooms?
--"I trust you, Alfred." Oh boy. I think we're going to see the first Bruce Wayne/Alfred make-out scene in Batman movie history.
--Great, the picture's cock-eyed again. Why does that keep happening? Should I tilt my head? Should I just go with it? Should I call somebody? Should I bang on the side of my television?
--Wait a second. I think the crazy scientist guy who made the Mexican wrestler was one of the bad guys in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 show. I'm too lazy to look it up. Speaking of that show, Batman and Robin wouldn't be a bad candidate for that show. Except it's so loud that I doubt the robots would even be able to be heard over it.
--Uma just claimed she had a "literal change of heart." She sounds like Madonna in this movie.
--Mr. Freeze's machine runs on diamonds. I'm no scientist, but I don't see how that makes sense.
--Enter Alicia Silverstone, apparently hypnotized before her scenes.
--Even the extras are laughing at Uma's acting job here.
--"In Gotham City, Batman and Robin protect us. . .even from plants and flowers."
--Mr. Freeze watches a really well-filmed home video. The home video, taken on its own, might be better than this movie. In context, it's just a piece of a crappy puzzle.
--Ahh, we make a visit to Les Baxter's house. Jen, who started watching parts of this, asks if any of these scenes go together. In Les Baxter's house, we get some characters from Where the Wild Things Are and a dancing monkey.
--I was wondering to myself just how many awards Elizabeth Sanders, who plays Gossip Gerty is going to win in her career. Her "ooohs" and "aahhhs" in this are amazing. Unfortunately, it seems that she only has played Gossip Gerty in multiple Batman movies. Elizabeth--if you're reading this--you are not going to win Oscars playing Gossip Gerty!
--Batman flashes his gold card. OK, these people aren't even trying. This has more in common with the television show than the movies. But not in a good way.
--Love the cartoonish sound effects.
--Also love this bit of dialogue:
Uma: We've got work to do.
Bane: (nods) Uhh. Monkey work.
--I think I just watched the worst chase scene ever. A case down a statue's arms? And Batman disengaging Robin's engine and nearly getting him killed?
--This movie has to be the worst thing any of these actors and actresses has been involved in or will ever be involved in. It's definitely the worst movie Elizabeth Sanders has been in.
--Alfred's brother's name is Wilfred? Nice.
--Jesse Ventura? There are too many future governors in this movie.
--Dayglo cannibals in a condemned Turkish bath. More of those cartoon sound effects. I'm starting to see the hidden genius buried in the murk of Batman and Robin.
--Ah, an A Clockwork Orange visual reference. And I think I saw Coolio. And the kid in that old Art of Noise video from the 80's. I can dig it. I'm not sure what the hell is going on with this motorcycle race, however, and I don't think a bunch of those colors are supposed to happen.
--Repetitive techno music. At the one hour and twelve minute mark, I vomit.
--Alicia Silverstone hovering over the city. . .it doesn't quite look real, and I can't help wishing Robin would drop her.
--Uma and Jesse Ventura just kissed. C'mon. That's not kosher.
--Wait a second. Batman's suit has nipples on it.
--If I'm ever attacked with a cool mist, I hope I can still utter "My lungs!" like the guy in this movie.
--Seems like this movie is reaching an end, but there are still forty minutes left. I'm not sure I have the stamina. Or the will to continue living. If given the opportunity, I would allow Uma to kiss me just so I wouldn't have to finish the rest of Batman and Robin. And I'd get to find out what Uma tastes like. She probably tastes like Quentin Tarantino. And that probably doesn't taste very good at all.
--Poison Ivy is not a great villain. All she does is blow dust, slow down the action, and quiet the bombast.
--At the one hour and thirty minute mark, a break is required.
--Once resumed, this movie treats me with an awkward attempt at poignancy. I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.
--Gotham City's got some pretty dopey architecture.
--I'm just going to stop trying to decipher what Arnold is saying. I can assume a pun about being chilly is involved.
--Well, it's only a single line, but Guy in Observatory (I think I've decided it's Michael Paul Chan) could win my Torgo Award this year. "Who is this nutball?" I loved the delivery of that line. Too bad Arnold iced him.
--Alicia Silverstone's conversation with Alfred in the bat cave makes no sense. But she sure gets a chance to show off her acting chops. "Suit me up, Uncle Alfred."
--Ahh. A Batgirl posterior close-up. That's better than the architecture.
--More great dialogue, almost Shakespearean:
Poison Ivy: Kiss me.
Robin: Tell me your plan. Then I'll kiss you.
Poison Ivy: Kiss me first; then, I'll tell you.
Robin: No, tell me your plan first. Then I'll kiss you.
Poison Ivy: How about you kiss me first. Following that, I will tell you my plan.
And so on. This scene ending with faux lips is icing on the cake of stupidity.
--Great--more incoherent blue action scenes.
--"It's one of those days!" Yes! Michael Paul Chan is unfrozen to clumsily deliver another line!
--Is this movie ever going to end?

Thanks for the recommendation, Barry.

Batman

1989 superhero movie

Rating: 13/20

Plot: All of Gotham's criminals are talking about a mysterious crime fighter who dresses as a bat and can't be killed. Batman! One night, Batman throws one particular criminal in a giant pot of soup. He emerges disfigured and annoyed and decides to take out his frustrations on the people of Gotham.

I'm not sure I actually ever saw this movie all the way through. I was 16-ish, watching this in a theater with Krissy. There was fondling involved, lots of it as a matter of fact, and Krissy was a lot prettier than anything in the movie. And I'm including that scene where Jack Nicholson's over-the-top Joker is dancing purple-suited in an art musuem with his henchmen, one who has a boom box on his shoulder. There's not a movie critic alive (or in the case of Gene Siskel, dead) who doesn't realize giving a henchman a boom box is like pumping an action scene full of steroids, automatically increasing the level of bitchin' by 27%. Other than that, one of three scenes that date this movie with weird, out-of-place Prince (was he Prince in 1989 or was he a symbol?) funk tunes, there's not much going on in this overlong movie. For an action movie, it sure is boring. The action sequences are dull and often hard to see through this murkiness or, in several scenes, wryneck-inducing lightning strike editing makes it hard to figure out what's even going on. As with the most recent Batman movie, the performance of the guy playing the bad guy gives the film almost all of its energy. Nicholson's Jokering is off-kilter and deranged, although the script calls for far too much demented laughter and lame puns. Regardless of a thrilling score and piles of explosions, there's just something stiff about this whole thing. Of course, there was always something stiff when Krissy was around. Wacka-wacka-wacka!