The Terminator

1984 Schwarzenegger movie

Rating: 16/20

Plot: In the distant future (I think, 2007), machines have taken over the world. The titular robotic assassin is sent back in time to terminate a women who will later give birth to a guy who will mess up the robots' picnic. Some other guy also travels back in time to try to stop him and maybe to convince him to put on a pair of pants.

I don't know how old I was, but I have a fond memory of watching this movie at some relative or step-relative's house following a game at Busch Stadium, the second one, that ended with a diving catch by Willie McGee. I slept in this person's basement and found this on the television when I was probably flipping through the stations in search of nudity. The next day, I got to try out a pogo stick. The step-relatives had a cute girl who lived next door, and I'll bet she still thinks about how impressive I looked on that pogo stick. Or in those yellow shorts that were a little too short.

But I digress. That has nothing to do with what this movie's all about which is actually Arnold Schwarzenegger's penis. It's probably the second most exciting Arnold Schwarzeneggar movie moment right next to that scene where he fights a guy in a bear suit in Hercules in New York. Soon after naked Arnold arrives in 1980-something, he punches through a guy and steals a guy's clothes. Now Arnold, if you haven't noticed, is a fairly large man. I'd think it was pretty lucky that he found a random guy whose clothes fit him so well. Speaking of random guys, that's really what James Cameron is good at here--allowing random guys to shine. There's the "Hey, man, you got a dead cat in there?" guy, the "That son of a bitch took my pants!" guy, and the guy on the telephone who says, "Hey, man, you have a serious attitude problem," all which makes it seem like Cameron has never actually met real people. Arnold never acts like a real person, but he surprisingly plays an emotionless robot really well and has a screen presence that makes almost every moment of screen time he has exciting. The plot's a little on the goofy side, and the flashback sequence special effects and the general story line, almost thirty years later, are very dated. I kept expecting Doc Brown to run out and yell at Arnold and Michael Biehn for messing up the space-time continuum or something. I did like the stop-motion terminator action at the end though. Solid sci-fi entertainment. I have not, by the way, seen any of the sequels. I think I did eat a Terminator cereal at one point though, but that could all be in my imagination. Phallus-shaped marshmallows?

Hercules in New York

1969 action comedy

Rating: 4/20

Plot: The titular demigod is bored with life in Olympus, so his father Zeus lightning-bolts him to New York City to teach him a lesson. While in the Big Apple, he becomes a successful wrestler and competitive weightlifter with the help of a nerdy streetwise guy named Pretzie and gets himself a girlfriend. Meanwhile, Zeus sends Mercury and Nemesis to retrieve him.

This is worth watching for fans of Arnold Strong as this is his first film appearance. Or Arnold Stang fans, I guess, if there are any of them out there. I liked him in The Man with the Golden Arm enough. But back to Schwarzenegger, the real star of this show. With the screen presence this guy has in this movie, I'm really surprised he didn't have more of a career in movies. Seems like he could have had a nice career as an action hero or something even though the acting he does in this is embarrassing. He's worse in Kindergarten Cop actually. Here, he doesn't have to do much acting. He just has to be big and strong, and he does a fine job of doing that. Now, the version I watched has Arnold Strong dubbed, allegedly because he was unintelligible when delivering the wonderful dialogue that was written for him. The voice used is odd since we all know what Schwarzenegger sounds like. I watched some bits and pieces of the non-dubbed version for comparison purposes, and Arnold's heavily-accented voice would have been pretty brutal for the duration of this one. Honestly, I think this is kind of a cute idea for a movie, and writer Aubrey Wisberg got a lot of the mythology right. This, by the way, was her last writing credit. The writing's bad, but it's the inept direction that really makes this one special. The poster brags about this being filmed almost entirely in New York. Well, they really should have located a more isolated location for the Olympus scenes since you can hear traffic in the background while Zeus and Juno are bickering. The pacing of the story's awkward. Even more awkward is the amount of screen time devoted to Arnold Strong just standing around flexing. The most awkward of those is when he spots a movie poster as he's walking down the street with his lady friend and starts griping that the actor doesn't even look like him. Of course, he takes off his shirt and starts flexing in order to prove it to her. But the scene that makes this movie? Arnold Schwarzenegger fighting a guy in a bear suit! I had to rewind and watch that epic battle twice just to make sure I really saw it.

Side note: I wish Arnold Schwarzenegger would have stuck with Arnold Strong. It's a lot easier to spell.

FINAL Urine Couch AM Movie Club: Kindergarten Cop

1990 action comedy

Rating: 6/20

Plot: A cop has to pose as a kindergarten teacher in order to find a drug dealer. It's just like a Fast and the Furious movie except with children replacing the cars.

It's my final Urine Couch AM Movie Club selection, and it makes me a little sad. I don't know what Gene Siskel's ghost is going to do without me actually. Probably try to find a transvestite, drug dealer, trucker, or whore or some combination of those to sit in the lobby and watch movies with.

First off, Arnold's performance in this is one of the worst "big name" performances ever. It's got to be. He stumbles his way through this one, fitting into a comedy like seven ham hocks trying to fit into a latex glove. It's awkward and messy! And I'm not sure who was in charge of his wardrobe, but I'd guess that person never worked in Hollywood again. Or I could be wrong and the various outfits he wore in this were part of the comedy. He starts the thing in this glasses/stubble/trenchcoat ensemble that, along with his size, made him stand out way too much for an undercover cop. Later, he's wearing these jeans that are the oddest color of pant that I believe I've ever seen. He's dressed up at one point as a farmer, singing through "Old MacDonald Had a Farm" with ukulele accompaniment, and yes, that's as wonderful as it sounds. But that's not the most ridiculous outfit they even put him in! No, that would have to be the V-neck with gray sweatpants that made it completely obvious that Arnold Swarzenegger has never actually been a real person. As ridiculous as his wardrobe makes him look, his acting is what makes him aggressively ridiculous. And I'll say it again--this has to be right up there with the worst acting performances of all time. He spends the majority of the movie doing this actually:

That's a face that 99.9% of people just can't make. And I guess that's something. You know how all those 80's action movies gave Arnold those great one-liners? This has all kinds of them! My favorites:

"I'm the party pooper." Come on. That's classic.

"I'm the new kindergarten teacher." You have to read that with the same intonation he used with "I'll be back."

"It's not a tumor. It's not a tumor at all!"
"Good. Now we are having fun." (Picture him with a ferret for this one.)
"What's that? It's a fire alarm! Aaahh!"
"Hi, kids! I'm back." (One of the more touching moments in the movie. What am I saying? One of the most touching moments in movie history!)

You also get to see Arnold threaten children comically, participate in a two-legged race, and act all tough in some scenes where this transforms from a comedy to what seems to be the worst television cop drama of all time. He throws down hard, too, like he's making up for all the time lost shooting those scenes with the kids. He is, after all, the party pooper. Speaking of those kids, they act circles around him. The kids are a lot funnier in this than Arnold, especially when given a chance to improvise. The scripted stuff is lousy though. One kid gets a recurring line that somebody should have been shot for writing--"Boys have a penis; girls have a vagina." The second time the kid says it, he finishes it with a flourish of unnatural arm pumps that Arnold probably taught him between scenes. That kid's name is Miko Hughes, and shane-movies aficionados will be interested to know that he was Billy Robberson in Cops and Robbersons, a movie I've never actually seen. Don't be surprised if you see Miko Hughes' name turn up on my end-of-the-year post. I'm also fond of this bit of dialogue:

"He's a poo-poo head."
"He's a poo-poo face."
"Yeah, he's a cocka poo-poo."

The bad guy's got a ponytail. Did I not mention that? This movie also has one of the most exciting action sequences I've ever seen. I don't want to give too much away, but there's a ferret bite, a gunshot, an Arnold slow-motion dive for a gun, another gunshot, and more exaggerated motions than you'd see if you were watching a pair of mimes.

The Running Man

1987 movie in which Arnold Schwarzenegger says "I'll be back"

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Ben's a cop framed for the slaughter of starving women and children in a future dystopian society. He and some revolutionaries bust out of prison, but Ben is later apprehended and forced to be a contestant on futuristic version of Family Feud, one that involves far less surveys but far more goons trying to kill off the players with saws. Soon after the host says, "Let's play the Feeeuuuuuuud!" Ben realizes that in order to survive, he's got to stop running and fight back.

Naturally, when I first saw former Family Feud host Richard Dawson, I called 911 and angrily screamed, "Where the hell is Wink Martindale? Where is Wink Martindale?!" until I realized that I was talking into a colorful plastic Shirt Tales telephone instead of a real telephone and had dialed Rick Raccoon, Rick Raccoon, Mr. Dinkle instead of 911. The police would not be able to assist me. I sat, distraught and damp, and watched The Running Man anyway. Turns out that Richard Dawson is the best thing about the movie. He plays slimy extremely well here, and is a terrific villain. But when the best thing about your movie is a game show host, your movie probably isn't very good. To be fair, the makers of The Running Man scrape against some pretty good ideas. I liked the theme song ("We bring you joy. We bring you strife."), the mention of an "entertainment division" of the Justice Department, another game show alluded to called Climbing for Dollars, court-appointed theatrical agents, an old cursing woman, and another chance to see Jesse Ventura and Arnold in the same movie. Unfortunately, where this could have taken advantage of the opportunity to have a satirical edge, it instead spirals into a mindless and unpleasant action movie. Ventura's character probably said it best--"This is garbage." I did like some of the stalkers (not the opera singer with Christmas lights on him) though, even when their names or gimmicks are just an excuse for Arnold to throw out some pun-laden one-liners. This movie also loses points for The Running Man's 80s dance party intro which seemed endless and bad font for the title credits. That's right. I'm criticizing a movie for its font.

Batman and Robin

1997 superhero movie


Rating: 4/20


Plot: Homoerotic superboys Batman and Robin have to save Gotham from an ice man and a hippie.


My random thoughts as I watched Batman and Robin, a movie recommended by Barry, one of my favorite blog readers:


--Great choice to start this movie with close-ups of both Batman and Robin's rear ends.
--Batman on Ice? Oh, my. This is full of stupid.
--I'm 4% into this movie and have realized that 90% of the dialogue in this is going to be made up of bad puns.
--These action sequences make no sense. People float. And Batman certainly went through a lot of flipping and sliding just to kick Schwarzenegger in the chest, all while Arnold just stands and watches.
--Nice to see that Mr. Freeze has to copulate with his little rocket thing in order to drive it. I believe I just saw hip thrusting as he said, "Oh, yes!" Apparently, Mr. Freeze and his rocket climaxed simultaneously.
--This movie only has one color in it--blue. That's not going to work for me.
--I wonder how much better this movie would be if I turned the sound off?
--I wonder how much better this movie would be if I turned the visual off?
--What the hell is Uma talking about and why is she saying it like that?
--"Yes. Yes. Let the poisons and toxins dig a grave for you into the dirt you love so much." Now that is some sharp writing.
--OK, here's a shot of Mr. Freeze becoming Mr. Freeze. It's shot by a security camera but it has zooms?
--"I trust you, Alfred." Oh boy. I think we're going to see the first Bruce Wayne/Alfred make-out scene in Batman movie history.
--Great, the picture's cock-eyed again. Why does that keep happening? Should I tilt my head? Should I just go with it? Should I call somebody? Should I bang on the side of my television?
--Wait a second. I think the crazy scientist guy who made the Mexican wrestler was one of the bad guys in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 show. I'm too lazy to look it up. Speaking of that show, Batman and Robin wouldn't be a bad candidate for that show. Except it's so loud that I doubt the robots would even be able to be heard over it.
--Uma just claimed she had a "literal change of heart." She sounds like Madonna in this movie.
--Mr. Freeze's machine runs on diamonds. I'm no scientist, but I don't see how that makes sense.
--Enter Alicia Silverstone, apparently hypnotized before her scenes.
--Even the extras are laughing at Uma's acting job here.
--"In Gotham City, Batman and Robin protect us. . .even from plants and flowers."
--Mr. Freeze watches a really well-filmed home video. The home video, taken on its own, might be better than this movie. In context, it's just a piece of a crappy puzzle.
--Ahh, we make a visit to Les Baxter's house. Jen, who started watching parts of this, asks if any of these scenes go together. In Les Baxter's house, we get some characters from Where the Wild Things Are and a dancing monkey.
--I was wondering to myself just how many awards Elizabeth Sanders, who plays Gossip Gerty is going to win in her career. Her "ooohs" and "aahhhs" in this are amazing. Unfortunately, it seems that she only has played Gossip Gerty in multiple Batman movies. Elizabeth--if you're reading this--you are not going to win Oscars playing Gossip Gerty!
--Batman flashes his gold card. OK, these people aren't even trying. This has more in common with the television show than the movies. But not in a good way.
--Love the cartoonish sound effects.
--Also love this bit of dialogue:
Uma: We've got work to do.
Bane: (nods) Uhh. Monkey work.
--I think I just watched the worst chase scene ever. A case down a statue's arms? And Batman disengaging Robin's engine and nearly getting him killed?
--This movie has to be the worst thing any of these actors and actresses has been involved in or will ever be involved in. It's definitely the worst movie Elizabeth Sanders has been in.
--Alfred's brother's name is Wilfred? Nice.
--Jesse Ventura? There are too many future governors in this movie.
--Dayglo cannibals in a condemned Turkish bath. More of those cartoon sound effects. I'm starting to see the hidden genius buried in the murk of Batman and Robin.
--Ah, an A Clockwork Orange visual reference. And I think I saw Coolio. And the kid in that old Art of Noise video from the 80's. I can dig it. I'm not sure what the hell is going on with this motorcycle race, however, and I don't think a bunch of those colors are supposed to happen.
--Repetitive techno music. At the one hour and twelve minute mark, I vomit.
--Alicia Silverstone hovering over the city. . .it doesn't quite look real, and I can't help wishing Robin would drop her.
--Uma and Jesse Ventura just kissed. C'mon. That's not kosher.
--Wait a second. Batman's suit has nipples on it.
--If I'm ever attacked with a cool mist, I hope I can still utter "My lungs!" like the guy in this movie.
--Seems like this movie is reaching an end, but there are still forty minutes left. I'm not sure I have the stamina. Or the will to continue living. If given the opportunity, I would allow Uma to kiss me just so I wouldn't have to finish the rest of Batman and Robin. And I'd get to find out what Uma tastes like. She probably tastes like Quentin Tarantino. And that probably doesn't taste very good at all.
--Poison Ivy is not a great villain. All she does is blow dust, slow down the action, and quiet the bombast.
--At the one hour and thirty minute mark, a break is required.
--Once resumed, this movie treats me with an awkward attempt at poignancy. I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.
--Gotham City's got some pretty dopey architecture.
--I'm just going to stop trying to decipher what Arnold is saying. I can assume a pun about being chilly is involved.
--Well, it's only a single line, but Guy in Observatory (I think I've decided it's Michael Paul Chan) could win my Torgo Award this year. "Who is this nutball?" I loved the delivery of that line. Too bad Arnold iced him.
--Alicia Silverstone's conversation with Alfred in the bat cave makes no sense. But she sure gets a chance to show off her acting chops. "Suit me up, Uncle Alfred."
--Ahh. A Batgirl posterior close-up. That's better than the architecture.
--More great dialogue, almost Shakespearean:
Poison Ivy: Kiss me.
Robin: Tell me your plan. Then I'll kiss you.
Poison Ivy: Kiss me first; then, I'll tell you.
Robin: No, tell me your plan first. Then I'll kiss you.
Poison Ivy: How about you kiss me first. Following that, I will tell you my plan.
And so on. This scene ending with faux lips is icing on the cake of stupidity.
--Great--more incoherent blue action scenes.
--"It's one of those days!" Yes! Michael Paul Chan is unfrozen to clumsily deliver another line!
--Is this movie ever going to end?

Thanks for the recommendation, Barry.

Predator

1987 science fiction action mayhem

Rating: 13/20

Plot: Some tough guys, led by Arnold Schwarzenegger, is tricked by Carl Weathers into venturing into the South American jungle to find captured soldiers. While there, a scary alien thing hunts them one by one and strips them of their skin. Apparently it's a hobby.

I wonder if I'm the only person who can't watch Carl Weathers in this without inserting the line "You got yourself a stew goin'" after everything that he says.

"We pick up their trail at the chopper, run 'em down, grab those hostages and bounce back across the border before anybody knows we were there. And you got yourself a stew goin'!"

"Goddamn jackpot. We finally got those bastards. We got 'em. And we've got ourselves a stew goin'!"

Arnold: "Bleed, bastard. Bleed."
Carl Weathers: "And you've got yourself a stew goin'!"

It's really amazing how many of the actors in this ended up with a political career. Everybody knows that Schwarzenegger became the governor of California, and almost everybody knows that Jesse "The Body" Ventura became governor of Minnesota. But did you know that Bill Duke (Mac) later became a congressman in New York? Or that Richard Chaves (Poncho) was a senator for seven and a half days before being ejected from his seat due to a sex scandal involving a mollusk? Sonny Landham (Billy) became the mayor of Sugar Tit, South Carolina, and R.G. Armstrong was elected the president of Belarus. The Predator himself, a guy named Kevin Peter Hall, could have retired after a terrifically versatile career playing a mutant bear, an alien, a monster, another alien, another monster, another mutant bear, a mutant alien, a mutant monster, a mutant, a regular bear, and Harry from Harry and the Hendersons to become President of the United States, but he sadly passed away in the early 90s and never got the chance. This movie is pretty straightforward. You get exactly what you figured you'd get--a ton of explosions, some inexplicable; some stock characters; a fistful of Arnold one-liners ("Stick around."); action scenes piled on top of action scenes; some pretty good special effects; and a wafer-thin plot. Most of the movie looks like the director just said, "Hey, fellas, why don't you wander around the jungle here for a few hours. We'll film you and then pull out the best stuff to use in the movie." I do really like the jungle imagery in this. It's filmed really well. Some of the action sequences are fine; others make little-to-no sense. The Predator's look is cartoony whenever he's in his camouflage state but effectively menacing when he's not. The climactic fight scene between Arnold and the alien, a fight scene you know is going to happen before you pop the dvd in the machine, is actually kind of boring.

And I thought of a new movie idea, a screenplay I'm going to write and present to Arnold himself to get him back on the silver screen. The movie poster above actually inspired me because it almost looks like the movie is called Schwarzenegger. My movie, titled Schwarzenegger! (note the punctuation) will have Arnold playing himself with all the things and people he's ever beaten up or killed coming back to get their revenge. At the end of my movie (spoiler alert!), Sinbad is going to kill him. How badass is that going to be?