2010 Lindsay Lohan movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: An ex-cop who looks as if he finished in third place in a hatchet-fighting contest is hired to assassinate a senator during his re-election campaign. He realizes that the whole thing was a set-up, and while on the run from seemingly everybody, he has to figure out who's behind it all. Turns out it's a tubby Steven Seagal, the same Steven Seagal who put him out of commission in the first place. We learn that revenge is a dish best served with jalapeno.

You pretty much know what to expect going in, and the first ten minutes delivers with a few decapitations, a naked woman, a hero using a gun with a severed hand attached to it, and a ridiculous pace. From there, one could accuse the movie of flat lining. The characters grow little, if at all, and the story's framework seems to have been stolen from the musuem of action movies. There's a pinch of your average kung-fu movie, 70's grindhouse (naturally), and (again naturally) Rodriguez's earlier work like Spy Kids and Spy Kids 2. The violence is so over the top that it's lucky this isn't in 3-D like the third Spy Kids movie. The audience would wind up wet with blood. This is co-directed, and I imagine Rodriguez focused his abilities on the action sequences with the other guy (Ethan Maniquis) tackling the boring stuff. I like how the action stuff is filmed; whether or not you actually want it, you're forced to be right in there with the splatter. You're forced to sweat and bleed with the characters, and since I imagined that I smelled a lot like I imagine Danny Trejo smells after I finished Machete, I required a quick shower. But the violence is always displayed with a tongue in cheek or, more appropriately, with a tongue that pokes all the way through a cheek so that blood gushes out and stains the walls and carpet. Being a Rodriguez flick, you're sure to get a handful of those cool moments that make Tarantino want to be his buddy. Here, you get the crucifixion of Cheech Marin (It's about time!) and Lindsay Lohan shooting people while wearing a nun's habit. Actually, just Lohan in the habit would have been blasphemous enough. Like buddy Tarantino with Travolta in Pulp Fiction, Rodriguez manages to coax some really cool performances from guys who aren't supposed to have cool performances anymore. In Machete, it's Don Johnson who is chilling as corrupt lawman Von Jackson and, to a lesser extent, Seagal as the big bad guy. Really big. Robert Deniro and Jessica Alba are both OK, and Jeff Fahey is his usually bitchin' self. And Danny Trejo, an actor who may have tasted his last chance at a starring role unless Rodriguez really does make a couple sequels to this, is very very cool. There's a lot of stuff about immigration and border control that seems superfluous, really doing nothing other than getting in the way of the fun violence. Recommended for fans of the genre.


l@rstonovich said...

I kinda kick myself for missing Grindhouse at the theatre, I have no excuse. And the just last night I watched Deathproof... so apparently I got none of the fake trailers (of which i guess Machete was one, maybe some of the fake trailers come with the planet terror DVD) and I get a two hour movie so full of filler that by the time the epic car chase comes on I'm bored and pissed.

Barry said...

Another of those movies that just runs out of steam for me. Yeah its interesting to see someone make a 70's exploitation movie in 2010, but the whole scratchy film stock crap got real old after a while. The whole movie seemed like an excuse for Rodriguez to get Danny Trejo to get multiple hot leading ladies to get naked for him. Ooh, look theres Lindsay Lohan taking her clothes off for Trejo.....theres Jessica Alba sleeping with Trejo...theres Michelle Rodriguez stripping for Trejo. Can you believe that ugly guy is getting all this prime tail? What exactly does Robert Rodriguez owe Trejo that he does all this for him?

It was interesting for a while, be becomes such a complete and total mess by the end that its barely a movie. I give this thing a 12....most of that for seeing various Hollywood leading lady body parts.

Shane said...

Larst...'Deathproof' and 'Planet Terror' are both on the blog somewhere. I was really harsh with 'Deathproof' as I recall.

Barry, I can't really argue with anything you said there. Except I think I saw where that's not Lohan's actual parts in the pool and that's a computer-generated Alba body in the shower. You just can't trust anybody anymore.